Murder Ball

I took one for the team and watched Fox's American incarnation of the British murder mystery series, Gracepoint.

Look eeento my eeeeyyesss.

As I said before, I have not seen the British original, Broadchurch, so I am basing my overall thoughts on solely my viewing of Gracepoint. I read that the show has not been renewed for a second season (why would there be a need for a second season?), but I just wanted to state my thoughts and final impressions.

UPDATED TO ADD. I FOUND OUT THAT BROADCHURCH IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX. I MAINLINED IT. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. 

So I come to you now fully informed.

The series finale aired December 11, and while it was fun guessing who the culprit may have been, the final reveal was rather...underwhelming. The overall ending of Gracepoint is like Broadchurch, but they did add a twist to the end that differed from the Broadchurch ending.

If you haven't seen either Broadchurch or Gracepoint, I suggest you stop reading this now. 

It didn't really take a genius to figure out that Det. Ellie Miller's family was involved in the death of Danny Solano in some way. The writers kept dropping CONSTANT hints that Ellie's son knew something, and they dropped CONSTANT hints that since she was working all the time, she had no idea what was actually going on at home. (A win for feminism!) 

However, they heightened the creeper factor in a way that I didn't think needed to be heightened. Finding out that her husband Joe (Josh Hamilton, of American Horror Story) was a pedophile and wanted to get into Danny's 12-year-old knickers definitely upped the ewww quotient, but in this day and age of Law & Order SVU, a pedophile dad is pretty tame for prime time TV. Even cliche. They'd been dropping a lot of hints during the run of the show that Someone in Gracepoint was a sexual predator, so the fact that it was revealed to be Ellie's husband just made me kind of shrug. They advertised this as the "ultimate twist" but it wasn't really the biggest twist I could have imagined, honestly. So, I think they lost a bit of points in the creativity department.

  I'm not a creepy perv. I only play one on TV. 

I mean, everyone in this town HAD A SECRET or SOMETHING TO HIDE and the fact that we learned, yet again, that someone in Gracepoint was HIDING SOMETHING, just made me kinda go, "Ok, yeah. We get it. Everyone in this town is messed up and weird. Who cares who killed Danny Solano because honestly? These people are screwed."

Original filmed ending of Broadchurch.

I think it would actually have been a lot more tragic if Danny and Tom Miller had been out messing around and being boys, and Tom had accidentally killed Danny, and went to his father about it, and his father helped cover it up. Or if Tom had accidentally killed Danny, then spent the rest of the night freaking out and dragging his body down to the beach, then hastily trying to make it look like he fell. But yeah, point being. It was completely obvious, from the first episode showing Tom deleting text messages, to him trying to break apart his hard drive, that Tom was involved in Danny's death somehow. Also, his completely nonplussed reaction to Ellie telling Tom that Danny had died was a big clue. Having to wait nine more episodes to have my suspicion confirmed that he killed him on accident didn't really bother me so much as I think that they should have tried to make it a little less obvious from the get-go.

We've gathered some evidence and it seems to point to you being a terrible mother.

Another change they made was in the character of Paul Coates. In Broadchurch, Coates is harmless and adorable and RORY and is into the local hotelier lady. In Gracepoint, he is just downright creepy. So creepy, in fact, he was many of the fans' prime suspect for a while. Gracepoint Paul Coats is in love with Beth Solano, and is creepy and pervy and generally the cause of many an irk. I'm not sure why they made this change for the American version. As if that town didn't already have enough creepers.  I preferred the Rory version, because he wasn't weird, and he also developed a relationship bonding with the slutty hotel lady. I guess they had to try to do something with the Coates character because he was supposed to be a priest but, um, guys? There are Episcopalian ministers in the States, too. Just sayin'. He didn't have to be Catholic. I'm just throwing that out there.

DT: You a priest this time?

AD: Yeah. You?

DT: I'm a foul-tempered, lonely, bitter, jaded inspector trying to save these people from themselves.

AD: Way to play against type.

Overall, Gracepoint was not a point-for-point copy of Broadchurch beyond the first episode. Watching Broadchurch over this last weekend showed that while Gracepoint hit all of the main plot points and for certain scenes, the dialogue was verbatim, but other episodes and scenes things went off in an entirely different direction. The last scene of Gracepoint showed a Detective Carver (Tennant) calling Ellie, who was in a hotel with Tom, and had figured out through her super sleuthing skills that he had killed Danny, and Ellie ignored his call. So, they left the door open for a second season, but Fox chose to renew the series. That was definitely altered from the original. 

So...This blows.

That leads us to the manner of death. While on Broadchurch, Joe Miller strangled Danny Latimer in an act of desperation, and Broadchurch Joe was sad and pathetic and clearly mentally disturbed, Gracepoint Joe was totally predatory and a bit freaky. On Broadchurch, Tom Miller is a bit of a red herring, but on Gracepoint, Ellie figures out that Joe is covering for Tom. Gracepoint Tom follows Gracepoint Joe and as Danny is running away, Tom confronts his father and seems to be trying to protect Danny, and accidentally hits him in the back of the head with an oar. Then Joe tells Tom to go home, and proceeds to try to cover up the murder. 

One other change they made was in the character of the lady journalist, Renee Clemons (Jessica Lucas).  I dislike her character in Gracepoint, and I don't care for her on Broadchurch, either. She is the epitome of a bad journalist, making accusations about Jack without getting the (easily available) public records and back stories about his conviction. Just a crappy, crappy journalist, but a pretty good indictment of the laziness and sensationalism that our media can become prey to. They kind of redeemed her character on Broadchurch, but on Gracepoint her arc ended at Horrible Human Being. 

I'm going to work for cable news. You yokels aren't getting in my way.

My overall take is that Gracepoint, while being a very close copy of Broadchurch, is not an exact carbon copy of the British murder mystery. It was good, but not great, but it did create a bit of an addictive factor. However, there was something special about Broadchurch that I don't think the American version was quite able to capture.  One minor detail that I observed about the British version is that they definitely showed the change in seasons. I think setting this in NoCal (*coughcoughBritishColumbiacoughcough*) was a poor choice. It's scenically quite similar to the cliffs of Wessex, but it looked like it was cold and rainy ALL THE DAMN TIME. So, I didn't get the same sense of a passage of time between Danny being found dead and Joe's confessions. On Broadchurch, Danny died in summer, and Joe was caught in late fall. Again, a minor detail, but it made a lot of difference in terms of gauging how long this case was dragging on.

What time of the year is it? Dreary O'clock.

Gracepoint is still pretty engrossing, and it is stylish, sophisticated, and moody. It is definitely worth a watch if you like murder mysteries and horrible people. 

However, I do feel the American make-up team did a better job of making David Tennant look like shit. 

There was also this.

Buuuurrrrp.

Putin on the Ritz

Well, you can't blame them for trying. It seems the networks have seen the success of Showtime's Homeland (and it's multiple Emmy wins) and now television series about US intelligence agencies are breaking out all over.

It's January so it's time for midseason premieres! In the Fall, the networks all tout their shows as the next big thing, but in reality they know most of those new shows are going to fail. There's always a back up plan and the networks have a bunch of new series waiting in the wings to take the empty time slots. This means that January is chock full of premieres, so let's get going on some of these reviews, shall we?

First up, The Assets!

I wasn't wowed by this one, and apparently most of America wasn't either. The first episode of this eight part miniseries debuted with the lowest rating in the key demo (a 0.7 among 18-49 year olds) of any drama to air on the big four networks. The lowest rating EVER. That's pretty impressive. No word yet on Putin's reaction to the series. 

Here's a basic plot summary from ABC:

The Assets is an eight-part miniseries based on the real life events of CIA counter-intelligence officer Sandy Grimes (Jodie Whittaker). 1985 serves as the backdrop to the final showdown of the Cold War when Sandy and her partner Jeanne Vertefeuille (Harriet Walter) vowed to find the mole that would turn out to be the most notorious traitor in US History, Aldrich Ames (Paul Rhys). Sandy is in a race against time to save the Soviet intelligence officers from being caught and killed. Living her own double life at home, this beautiful wife and mother vowed to stop at nothing until she uncovered the truth. The Assets will look inside the true, personal stories of the conclusion of the Cold War as told by the keepers of the nation’s secrets: the CIA.

It's basically Homeland set in 1980s. So instead of Middle Eastern terrorists, it's Russians. And the main blonde agent is kinda boring. And not crazy. And doesn't make goofy faces when she cries.

This is like 70% of the reason why I watch Homeland. The other 30% is hoping that Mandy Patinkin will sing.

I didn't hate it; the show had a lot of stuff going for it. The espionage stuff is all pretty neat, and there were some tense scenes of spy vs. spy shenanigans involving the CIA and the KGB. I also liked that the Russians weren't made to look like buffoons--they pose a genuine threat and out-maneuver the CIA at every turn in the first episode. It's also clear by the end of the first episode who the mole in the organization is.  Since it's a matter of public record now, keeping it secret would have been kind of silly. After 30 years, the cat is out of the bag.

There are some problems though. There was a lot of "huhs?" going on in the living room of my Dad's house for the first half of the episode. There's a difference between trusting the intelligence of your audience and being purposefully cagey. I guess they were hoping there would be a big "aha!" moment at the end when the pieces come together, but I wonder how many people actually made it that far.

In the end, I'll most likely keep watching, but if the pace doesn't pick up in the second episode or the characters don't become more engaging, I'm out.

The Assets airs Thursdays at 10:00 pm EST on ABC. You can view episodes online at the ABC website.

Second show: Intelligence!

It's kind of ballsy to name your show Intelligence. Especially if the underlying concept is kind of silly and completely derivative.

These two have seen it all before. And really so have you.

Hit it, promo monkeys!

In Intelligence, Josh Holloway stars as Gabriel Vaughn, a high-tech intelligence operative enhanced with a super-computer microchip in his brain. With this implant, Gabriel is the first human ever to be connected directly into the global information grid. He can hack into any data center and access key intel in the fight to protect the United States from its enemies. Marg Helgenberger stars as Lillian Strand, the director of the US Cyber Command who supports Gabriel and oversees the unit's missions. She assigns Riley Neal (Meghan Ory), a Secret Service agent, to protect Gabriel from outside threats, as well as from his appetite for reckless, unpredictable behavior and disregard for protocol.

Sound familiar? If you're a fan of NBC's Chuck, it should. Ok, so Josh Holloway's character isn't playing geeky 30 something....he's more of an ex-Delta Force superhuman crime-fighting machine. But still.

Intelligence is basically a standard CBS procedural masquerading as something more. They want it to be new! and exciting! But don't be fooled. Instead of a crime lab or whatever, it's the US Cyber Command (say what?). Sure, the first episode looked great--but almost every drama premiering on the networks these days looks good. I will admit that it had some great action sequences and fight scenes though, but nothing else about it really connected with me.

What you have here is last night's leftovers dressed up in some fancy packaging in an effort to make it more appetizing. And I count Josh Holloway among the wrapping. He's a looker alright, but still playing his usual wise-cracking tough guy character. Unlike Sawyer though, Gabriel has a quest! He needs to find his missing wife whom everyone is convinced was a traitor against America and died years ago. But he will never give up hope. Or something.

One more quibble. Other than a few Asian bad guys, everyone in this show is white. This was a HUGE problem for me, and rankled me throughout the pilot episode. In this day and age, it is basically inexcusable to have an ensemble show without any minorities. Get your shit together, CBS.

Oh, look! A show full of blandly attractive white people. SHOCKER.

Bottom line: unless you are hankering for another US agency procedural (this time dressed up with some admittedly awesome action scenes), skip it. Go watch SHIELD; while that show isn't perfect, at least has a sense of fun and some interesting ideas.

Intelligence airs Mondays at 10:00 EST on CBS.

I Don't Want His Juice. I Want MY Juice. MY JUICE.

Sorry about the delay in updating you good folks on the progress of our pilgrims on Mad Men. Imma gonna do what the celebs do and plead exhaustion.

As you may already be aware, the big bombshells for last week week were that Troutshorts is gay, and that Sally Draper is going to be needing even more therapy than previously anticipated.

Dafuq?

Bob Benson revealed a secret love for Pete Campbell (really? seriously? Pete?),  ending WEEKS  of speculation about whether or not he is gay. Still unexplained is why any man in his right mind would look at the trout shorts and think he could wear them in public. Well, it was the 60s. Everyone was dropping acid. The trout shorts have really made me question Bob Benson's judgement, so maybe it shouldn't be too shocked that he has the hots for Pete. Haha. Pete. Hahahaha. His life sucks so much. Anyway, yes. Troutshorts = gay. Suffice it to say that Clovis has better gaydar than I do. I probably owe him a pint.

I'll begin by recapping last week's episode just in case anyone has been living under a rock, and stay tuned for a recap of this week's episode. Which I have yet to watch. SO NO SPOILERS. 

So last week, in the episode "Favors" (snort), my Time Warner Cable says, and I quote, "Betty makes plans for Sally's future; Peggy faces trouble at home." I think by "trouble at home," they mean Peggy maims a rat and offers Stan sex in exchange for killing it. So, way to knock it out of the park, Time Warner. 

Seriously, Peggy is afraid of rats.

Don walks into his office and Roger is raiding his bar. Should he be at all surprised by this? I'm not. 

You're all out of gin.

Don and Roger are in with Sunkist and Roger learns to juggle oranges. Look at you, Roger. You've inadvertently found a purpose in life.

In Pete's mom is dressed like Jackie O. hawking Pepto-Bismal news, Pete's mom shows up at the office with her new nurse, Manolo (Blahnik?) whom Pete has hired upon the recommendation of Troutshorts. Pete is rocking some 70s sideburns and is annoyed that MOTHER has shown up at his his place of employment. Pete takes Manolo into his office and Peggy has THE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION EVER (and that is saying a lot) with MOTHER. You think, "Omg. Omg. Omg does she know?" and then MOTHER tells Peggy she should work things out with Pete, for the sake of their child! And you're like OMG SHE KNOWS! Then, you realize that it's just MOTHER's dementia talking and MOTHER has gotten Peggy confused with Trudy.

Oopsie. Tea?

Now, tell me, dear. Are you the estranged wife or the one he impregnated?

Over at the Francis home, Betty's sucking on a cancer stick and yelling at Sally because Betty has found out from Julie's mom that Julie and Sally are the only girls signed up for the model UN team. Of course they are. Has Betty not noticed it is 1968? Betty doesn't want Sally alone with all of those boys, and Sally asks to stay with Don and Megan, because Don, unlike Betty, doesn't just think Sally is a pain in the ass. Well, he thinks she's a cockblock, but we'll come to that later.

Speaking of people Don probably shouldn't have had sex with, Don meets Mitchell, Sylvia and Arnold's son. Mitchell's paid a surprise visit to Megan because Mitch has gotten himself into a passel o' trouble. A. Passel. Kid's in school, but he sent back his draft card in protest. Like WTF. Now he's 1-A.  Mitchell was asking Megan if she could help him run to Canada, but Don tells Megan that it's not their problem.

In other ill advised decision making news, Ted's getting hammered with Pete and Peggy before he flies them back to New York. I choose to believe that this entire scene was an outtake and this is how Elisabeth Moss and Vincent Kartheiser interact in real life because it was prosh. 

So, Peggy. I don't suppose you'd...No? No. Okay. Just thought I'd ask.

Pete picks up on the sexy tension between Ted and Peggy and Pete figures Peggy's just screwing Ted. Peggy denies it and moves on to MOTHER having told Peggy that Manolo has been giving her (MOTHER) about twenty big ones a day and the thought completely grosses Pete out. Peggy thinks it's just a delusion on MOTHER's part, but Pete isn't so sure. MOTHER better not be having more sex than he is. 

The doorbell rings and oh, crap, it's Arnie. Don takes Arnie to a bar so he can commiserate, and Arnie confesses that something has been "off" with his relationship with Sylvia. Ha! Don asks Arnie if he has any connections, and they talk about their service in Korea. Don served in Korea, but he's against Vietnam and tells Arnie as much. 

Ted's wife is angry because Ted hasn't been home to spend time with his family. Ted's wife seems a lot more human in this interchange and isn't just the harpy she appeared to be when we first met her in the MLK episode.

Don pulls Pete into his office and asks Pete if he still has a contact at the Department of Defense. Pete's contact left for Union-Carbine, and Don asks Pete if he knows anyone who can really pull strings. Pete reminds Don that's he having dinner with GM, so he should ask them. Pete reveals to Roger and Don that he's been working on an Ocean Spray account, and this undermines Don and Roger's plan to reel in Sunkist.

To be fair, this WAS Roger's original promo idea. 

Ted comes out of the conference room and wants to know if we are having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Ted wants to know why Don didn't tell Ted that Don told Harry Crane to put together a prospectus for Sunkist, while Ted has been having Pete court Ocean Spray. Ted wants to know why Don hasn't been following the memos. There's been a series of memos. 

Read your effing memos, people!

This leads Ted to fling himself dramatically on the couch and whine to Cutler about how he doesn't want Don's juice. He wants HIS juice, not Don's juice. Ted's juice. He just wants to avoid a urinary tract infection. That's all!

In this can't end well news, Mitchell Rosen has raided the Jackson 5's wardrobe and, thus finished, he is standing in the foyer of his parents' apartment building. Sally walks in, accompanied by her boy crazy friend, Julie. Mitchell says he would be down for some fun statutory times. Wait. They're, like, 14. Mitchell is 19. Ummmm... Anyway, Sylvia comes downstairs and yells at Mitchell for not calling a cab, and he sulks off with  his mom, giving the audience a full view of the Donny Osmondness of this ensemble he's got on.

So, what's the limit of what we can do that won't get me thrown in jail?

Anyway, Julie's in luv.

Mitchell Rosen, circa 1998.

Speaking of inappropriate sexual advances, MOTHER is supposed to have a nice dinner with Petey and then she has to go and ruin it all by talking to Pete about the heights of Nirvana to which Manolo has been taking her dusty lady bits. I think anyone watching at this point has figured out that Manolo is probably gay and that's probably how he knows Troutshorts, but poor MOTHER is firm in her delusions about Manolo's love stick. Pete tells her he's disgusted and that's when MOTHER tells Pete what we've always known to be true: That MOTHER is disappointed in Pete. She tells Pete that he was a sour little boy and he's grown into a sour little man (tru dat) and then she wanders off into the night. And Pete just lets her go.  Pete confronts Troutshorts about Manolo and tells Troutshorts that Manolo has to go. Troutshorts reveals to Pete that Manolo's interests lie elsewhere...ahem...and...so...do Troutshorts' interest. His interests lie with Pete. Yes, Pete. Out of all the men in that office. Troutshorts likes Pete. That's what.

In awkward dinner conversation news, Don makes thing REALLY awkward at the Chevy dinner by bringing up Mitchell Rosen, even after the other partners have already broken the ice.

Cutler: Well, you should go to Florida. Saltwater. Down off the keys where the marlin run.

Ted: Write your own Hemingway story.

Roger: If you don't catch anything, you have to blow your brains out. 

Too soon?

You see, these good ole boys at GM are in support of the war, and they don't like this here talk about no draft dodgin'. Wrong move, Draper. 

Am really going to need my teddy bear after tonight. 

So, over in Sally's room, Sally and Julie are writing all the stuff they like about Mitchell on a piece of paper. We really do stuff like this when we're fourteen, fellas. No joke. You think it's just a harmless bit of fun, but Julie signs Sally's name to the letter and volunteers to "take the trash out" the next morning. She sneaks over to the Rosens' apartment and leaves it for Mitchell.

Over at Peggy's, the aforementioned rat has fallen victim to Peggy's trap, and, sans male to rescue her, Peggy calls Stan and basically tells him she'll sleep with him if he comes over and takes care of the rat for her. You were hitting on me five episodes ago, remember? Stan's actually in bed with someone and he sleepily tells Peggy that he's not coming over and that she has to deal with it herself. Peggy's not our poster girl for feminism in this episode.

At SC&P, Ted is livid that Don horned in on Chevy and made them uncomfortable at the dinner.   Ted calms down a little when he realizes Don seems sincere about helping Mitchell, and Ted reveals a contact with a brigadier general in the International Guard. Ted says he'll help if Don backs off and stops going behind Ted's back and stops chasing Sunkist.

Mmmm. Cranberries.

Deal thus brokered with Ted, Don calls the Rosens', ostensibly hoping to reach Arnie. Buuut, he has to know who is most likely to answer the phone in the middle of the morning, and he reaches Sylvia instead. Thus it all makes sense. Don awkwardly tells Sylvia what he might be able to work out for Mitchell. Sylvia apologizes for being cold to Don, and tells him she was just "frustrated" with him. Hello? HE LOCKED YOU IN A HOTEL ROOM. Okay, Sylvia. Anyway. She's grateful. Really, really grateful. 

Julie and Sally get into the cab to go to the model UN, and that's where Julie tells Sally what she's done. Sally is like, "SHIT!" and books over to the apartment building, but she's forgotten her key again. She gets the keys from the doorman, and runs upstairs. She's relieved to find the letter still on the counter, but then she hears some...noises...and whispers...and THENOMGSHESEESDONHAVINGALLKINDSOFSEXWITHSYLVIAOMGOMGOMG. 

Sally runs out of the building and Don tries to chase after her, but she's already gotten into a cab. Later that night, the Rosens arrive and personally thank Don for all he's doing for Mitchell. Sally starts yelling about how she's disgusted with Don, and Don tries to mansplain why she caught him banging the neighbor chick, and Don tells her that Sylvia was upset and he was comforting her. Yes. That's what.  Yes he wanted to comfort her. With his penis. So, as if Sally weren't already going to be in therapy for the rest of her life, she's probably going to go from three sessions a week to four.

Bottom line, parents: Do not have or talk about having sex in front of your unfortunate offspring.

In sad, sad singleton news, Pete schleps home after a day of professional and personal humiliation and pours himself some cereal for dinner. We all knew that  Peggy was going to make some cat very happy one day, and she's taken in an orange tabby. D'awww. Ted's not going to be leaving his wife and family for her anytime soon, so sometimes it's just best to accept one's fate and get oneself a feline. 

Hope you enjoyed my ranting and raving. The recap of this past Sunday's episode to arrive posthaste. Ta! 

Attack of the Clones

Okay. So. You all watched Orphan Black, right? RIGHT? Seriously. If there was a more surprising show on television during this past spring, I’ll eat my hat.  I wrote about the show at the beginning of its 10-episode long first season, and now that we’ve come to the end of the season, let’s take a quick look back at one of the most innovative new shows this season. Slight spoilers in the paragraph below, however only in broad strokes. If you want to avoid all of them, just skip down to below the picture of the man with the ridiculously well-toned pectorals.

In terms of the plot, we learned that Sarah, the ne’er-do-well from England who has arrived in Canada some time previously, is drawn into a web of intrigue when a police officer who looks exactly like her commits suicide in front of her and Sarah decides to assume her identity. From there, Sarah learns that she is actually a clone, created for some unknown purpose, and that there are several more of her spread around the globe. To complicate things, the clones are being hunted down by a religious order (possibly) while being simultaneously pursued for some unknown reason by a group of technological futurists calling themselves the Neolutionists. Sarah, meanwhile, must keep her “partner” at the Toronto police force off the trail of the strange murders of women who look just like her and her possible involvement with them while at the same time she’s starting to suspect that Paul, the boyfriend of the woman who’s identity she’s assumed, may in fact be working for one of these clandestine groups.

Along the way, Sarah must interact with the other clones, who are almost alternate reality versions of herself. The tension gets higher when Sarah learns that each of the clones have “monitors”, or people installed in their lives to watch them and report back, however it’s not clear who those monitors are or which group they work for. This means that we get to know Sarah, but also her doppelgangers, learning more about each of their lives and seeing how they each fit into the broader puzzle. And we quickly realize that not all of the clones are working with each other and not all of them have the best intentions toward the others.

Fear not, ladies. There's a little somethin' somethin' in here for you too.

Okay, Spoiler-phobes. You can come back now.

First off, the good news (for my taste at least) is that this show didn’t succumb to the Lost-ization factor that I worried in my original post that it might. By that I mean that while the mysteries built on each other throughout the season and the mythology behind them was definitely dense and complex, none of the questions we found ourselves asking as viewers were put there simply for the sake of complexity. In other words, the show was taut, lean and we got a very clear idea that the writers know where this story is headed.

The second good thing it has going for it is the unique look and feel of the entire show. Not quite realism, not quite expressionism, the show didn’t look like anything we’ve seen before. The palate, generally muted through most shots, occasionally found ways to clash bright color against itself. As I said before, the only thing I’ve seen previously that reminded me of the same way the show used colors and visuals was Blade Runner, another story about people who are clones without necessarily realizing it. Regardless, it was the kind of visuals that we just don’t often see on television, so kudos to BBC America for putting together something really original.

Good evening, Mr. Decker. 

But of course, the 900-lb gorilla in the room is Tatiana Maslany, the actress tasked with playing the clones. If the original story set-up and visual look and feel were the show’s opening hands, Maslany was its ace up the sleeve. Maslany single-handedly took a concept that was probably going to be just gimmicky in any regular actress’s hands and turned it into something amazing to watch. She played each part with a separate style, including unique mannerisms, physicality, movement and voice. Maslany, unfortunately, is almost certainly not going to win an Emmy for her role here, but that’s to the fault of the Emmys, not her.

Among the roles that Maslany has had to play this year: Sarah, the English drifter; Beth, the Toronto cop; Cosima, the American grad student; Allison, the type-A suburban housewife; Helena, a Russian sociopathic religious fanatic; and Katja, a German socialite. Not enough variation for you? Maslany has, at times, had to play versions of each character pretending to be another character, such as when Sarah pretends to be Beth or when Allison presents to be Sarah. Maslany has so mastered each of these characters that not only do they each feel separate and instantly identifiable on their own, but they have their own nuances when they pretend to be each other. Maslany’s version of Sarah is slightly different than her version of Allison pretending to be Sarah. For an actress so relatively young and never before having anchored a television series, Maslany is providing something of a master class in voice and movement and how to create completely fleshed out, living characters.

Is it wrong that I hope future seasons have them forming a band together?

The variance that Maslany brought to each of her characters alone would be reason to be excited about what’s coming in season two. That not all of the clones make it through season one alive also illustrates that the show isn’t afraid to take some chances, as well as that the deaths that do occur feel like an organic part of the story. I’m really quite excited to see where the show goes given its cliffhanger ending this year, proving that the show has absolutely done its job for me. Tune in folks, you’re going to want to watch this one.

Seriously. Do it. Otherwise the unstable one will cut you.

Orphan Black is available through BBC America and season one will be released on DVD and BluRay on July 16. 

Every Time We Get a Car, This Place Turns into a Whorehouse

So, I didn't watch Mad Men when it aired Monday night, because I thought, you know what, I bet watching Don Draper flail about this week will be equal the normal amount hot messery we've come to know, love and expect. I found myself really groovin this episode. I liked the bad trip dream-like quality about it, and the relative unpredictability of the plot. It felt like an ordinary day-in-the-life, but there was the added element of Don being disoriented (and stoned) throughout, so the timeline was a little disjointed (which I dig) and there was a hint of unreliable narration when the story was being told through Don's POV.  Since he's got a shaky grip on reality, there were some scenes where you weren't sure if they were happening for real or in Don's head, and in others, you could see that what was happening maybe was really happening to the other people in the Mad Men world, but Don had a totally different way of experiencing it, and Don seemed unable to tell what was real and what was not. 

Trippy.

The episode's called "The Crash" and so I started it, sitting there wondering if THIS IS FINALLY THE EPISODE WHERE EVERYONE DIES IN A HORRIBLE, FIERY PLANE CRASH. But nay. I spent most of this episode waiting for Don to drop dead of a heart attack.

The episode beings with Ken Cosgrove shitting his pressed Brooks Brothers pants in a car. He's in said car -- an Imapla -- driving significantly above the posted speed limit, with gun-wielding drunk Chevy reps, who seem to either be in the mob or a frat. They point a pistol to his head and urge him to go faster. Because what doesn't go better with alcohol than a fucking pistol? Cosgrove's level of job satisfaction is sinking at an exponential rate.

In creepy news, Don's stalking Sylvia and chain-smoking outside of the Rosens'. Arnie's back, and Sylvia's back to making him his dinnah.  Draper sucks at stalking, so he legit leaves his cigarette butts out in the hall way, as if this is some nicotine-laden version of pissing to mark his territory.

Cosgrove walks into the meeting at work, limping on a cane and Don calls him a cripple. A. Cripple. It's unclear whether the crash we saw at the beginning of the episode caused him to limp, but that crash we saw looked very much like a head-on collision and I'm surprised that anyone came out of that with only a limp. Is there a worse crash happening later in the episode? Oh God, I hope so. So, while we wait for people to die in horrific ways, let's have a meeting and see where were stand with Chevy, huh, gents?

Chevy has tabled all of SCDP's ideas for the campaigns, so creative has to work the weekend to come up with something suitable. Ted's secretary comes in and calls him out of the meeting, and then the door opens again. It's Dawn! She says Dr. Rosen is on the phone for Don. Eek. Did he see all those cigarette butts in the hallway and put two and two together? No! It's Sylvia. Arnie SAW all those cigarette butts and he thinks she's smoking again. Don tells Sylvia he needs to see her and Sylvia tells him no. She's freaked out about last week and tells Don to leave her alone. Don begs to see her and she tells him she's afraid of him. Then Don throws his phone and destroys his in-office wet bar. Oh, no! Not the wet bar. Then he cries. And then he coughs in a congestive heart failurey way.  Then Dawn calls him on his extesion, asking if he's all right. "I'm fine," he sobs. "I'm just...just...crying because I'm so happy."

Mr. Draper, I've got the Cleveland Heart Clinic on Line 1.

Cue flashback to Don dying of pleurisy at a whore house back in the 30s. Teen Don is banished to the cellar of the whorehouse so he doesn't get the hookers sick. Wouldn't want any nasty chest colds complicating that clap, now would we?

Over at the Fat Betty Francis house, Sally Draper has boobs! Betty's blonde again! Betty hates Sally's skirt because 1) it's too short and 2) she figures Sally got it from Megan.

Betty: "Where did you get that?" 

Sally: "I earned it." 

Betty: "On what street corner?" 

Betty: 1; Sally, 0

Frank died. He did not in fact "beat this thing." 

Frank: 0; Pancreatic cancer, 1. Too soon?

Everyone in creative at SCDP is getting a shot in the ass today! Are they getting vaccinated against polio? Heavens, no. They're all getting caffeinated roids in the office, courtesy of the firm,  "to help the creative process" with Chevy. The doctor, who looks  like two Zach Galifianakises duct taped together, says it's "a proprietary blend." A proprietary blend. OF FUCKING LSD. They're getting this "proprietary blend" of caffeine, wood alcohol, acid and turpentine shot directly into their ass cheeks. 

Now available as a convenient suppository!

Doc asks Don if he has a heart condition. He says no. Ha! That's what you think, Draper! Who cares? I'm sure it's totally safe. 

Anyway, so they're all high. They're all high and they're all going to die. Don coughs some more. Again. Not congestive heart failure. Not at all.

Don spies Peggy comforting Ted, and he spies Ted's secretary, Moira. Moira reminds Don of someone he once knew and he asks her during the episode if he knows her from somewhere else, and Moira coyly responds that she doesn't. 

All this hacking reminds Don of his first visit to a medical professional: Aimee, a lady of the night who works in the brothel where he's living with his stepmother. The hooker diagnoses him with a chest cold and nurses him. You're left wondering at what point this is going to turn into sexy time, because Don is disoriented and keeps having flashbacks. His cough reminds him of being ill as a child, and being nursed through it, not by a mother or a stepmother, but by a PROSTITUTE. Aimee brings him soup and keeps him in her bedroom until he is well. Ahem. Yes, although gumpy and sickly as a lad, Dick Whitman grew to be a handsome and powerful man, with the help of a bowl of Campbell's and the love of a hooker named Aimee.

Paul Pfeiffer, is that you?

So, everyone in the office is stoned, except for Peggy (who later gets drunk) and Ginsberg. A wigged out Cosgrove tap dances for Don and does a spoken word piece about all of the work he has to do for Chevy and how he has to kowtow and be a yes-man for Chevy and for SCDP. In case you missed the metaphor, Cosgrove is tap-dancing for Chevy. Don tells Cosgrove that this is his job. Apparently, everyone who works for Chevy is a drunk idiot and they're taking Cosgrove out every night, exploring the world of gang bangin and liver failure. 

Don is totally disoriented. He comes into the creative workspace, free associates with his fellow smackheads, leaves, has a flashback of Aimee, and somehow he's missed an entire day. It's now Saturday and he has no idea what is going on. Peggy and some of the other employees are back from Frank's funeral and Don wants to talk soup. There is also randomly a hippie girl doing the I Ching in creative. Don wants Peggy to go into the archives and go into 1958 - 59 for soup. SOUP.

Don goes into his office and the random hippie girl is there, being all love childey. Rainbow Sunbeam stole a stethoscope from one of the doctor's offices upstairs (prolly Rosen's; he can't keep track of his shit) and listens to Don's heart. She says, "Oh, I think it's broken" and Don says, "You can hear that?" No, you silly rabbit. It's the stethoscope that's broken. 

Don calls home and gets Sally, surprised that she's there, apparently forgetting that he has the kids on the weekend. Megan tells Don she has to leave, but Don can't come home. Megan is leaving so she can see a play with her agent, and she leaves Sally to babysit so she can earn herself some boots.  Meanwhile over in creative, Ginsberg, Peggy and Stan playing drunk/stoned William Tell. Ginsberg stabs Stan in the arm. This is exactly what Don meant when he said, "Go look up soup."

Peggy drags Stan away to patch him up and then he starts hitting on her. She drags out the old "I have a boyfriend" plea and snogs Stan. MOAR in-office action for Peggy. FTW. Stan wants her to sex him, and becomes maudlin and relates the story of his cousin Ralph getting killed in Vietnam.

What? No pity sex for ole Stan?

Peggy says she's had hella sorrow in her life, but you can't dampen it with drugs and sex. 

Like hell you can't.

Stan compliments Peggy's ass and she leaves the room. Go look up soup, Peggy!

Don't creeping around outside the Rosens' instead of being home with his children, and Sylvia just has the radio playing, likely because she knows Don is out in the hallway, listening at the door and...being weird. 

So, it's now the middle of the night, and there's a strange black woman in the Drapers' apartment. Megan isn't back yet, and Don is still...somewhere...looking up old soup ads and obsessing about Sylvia. This woman says she's Sally's "Grandma Ida" and that she raised Don. She's lying. She didn't effing raise Don. The hookers raised Don.

"Grandma Ida" knows enough generic rich white people trivia to get Sally to trust her enough to let her stay, but she's conning Sally. Grandma Ida tells Sally that Don gave her the key and told her to come over. Yeah, in the middle of the night. We all know Don's losing it, but it wouldn't go quite that far, even if she did somehow know him in his Dick Whitman past. But, Sally is still very much a child and isn't mature enough to handle situations like, you know, breaking and entering. 

Don's down in the archives looking up soup ads, and he comes across and ad, featuring a woman who reminds him of Ted's secretary/Rainbow Sunbeam/Aimee. In the flashback, Dick's recovered from his illness, and Aimee stars hitting on the lad in a molesty way. So. Don got raped a bunch.

Hey, Teenage Dream. You got my heart racin' in your skin tight knickers. . 

Bobby wakes up and finds "Grandma Ida" trying to steal the television set. "Grandma Ida" scams Bobby into telling her where Don keeps his watches. Sally decides to call the police, and Grandma Ida catches her and takes the phone away from Sally. Grandma Ida takes the hint and skedaddles, and Sally gets up to (hopefully) lock the door. 

Don writes up a prospectus and calls Peggy and Ginsberg into his office. He's sweaty and passionately pitching his idea. Don reveals he actually has not been working on Chevy, but has been working on a way to get Sylvia to acknowledge his existence. He asks for their opinion on his campaign, and they tell him it's great. He runs out, presumably headed off to Sylvia. Also, Rainbow Moonstone or whatever her name is banging Stan in one of the offices, and Cutler is watching! Peggy gives up and goes home.

Back at the apartment, an incoherent, sweaty Don is practicing what he's going to say to Sylvia. He plans to stop into his apartment to get some smokes, and he finds way more than cigarettes waiting for him. Don finds Megan there, and Bobby, Sally and Genie are up. There are also two cops there. This would be bad enough, if it weren't for the fact that Betty and Henry are also in the apartment. The cock, he is blocked. Grandma Ida is some kind of klepto and she robbed a bunch of people in the building and Don has to go down to the police station to ID his stuff. Betty yells at him and Sally says she wants to go home.

Then Don passes out. 

He has another flashback to the whorehouse, where Aimee's having an argument with her pimp. The pimp tells her to get out, and she claims she's owed money. She says she "took that boy's cherry" and that the pimp owes her five dollars. That's all it was worth, Dick. Five. Dollars. Don's stepmother asks him if that is true and he denies it. Wicked Stepmother doesn't believe him and beats him with a wooden spoon.

It all makes sense now.

The next morning, Don runs into Sylvia in the elevator. He is stoic and doesn't talk to her, and thus begins the longest awkward elevator ride in the history of television. Sylvia seems as though she about to say something, but Don's attitude is like, "Whatever, bitch" and they don't speak. At FBFH, Sally wants to talk to Don. He reassures her that he didn't have a heart attack. Sally says "Grandma Ida" sounded like she knew a lot about Don, but, as Sally says, ""Then I realized I don't know anything about you." Don, sympathetic to another child having her trust and innocence violated by an adult, tells Sally it wasn't her fault. Don says he left the door open and that it was his fault.

Don't worry, children! This looks like a job for Captain Subtext!

Monday morning and zero work got done on Chevy. Don (who showered) enters Ted's office with Cutler (and if you haven't noticed Cutler is played by Harry Fucking Hamlin, Cutler is played by Harry Fucking Hamlin). Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam was actually Wendy, Frank's daughter. It was Frank's daughter that Stan screwed. HAHAHAHAHA!!  Don promises to continue on Chevy on his function as creative director, and he says that's all he can do. Then he walks out of Ted's office.

Booyah.

Yes, children. That is what. After witnessing years of Don acting like a complete cocklord to his wife, his children, his ex-wife, his mistresses, his coworkers and his bosses, you keep rooting for the SOB. 

Don. 

Draper. 

For.

The.

Win.

Stay tuned for more office intrigue next Sunday. 

Who, me? Just biding my time, Daddy-o.