Recapping AHS: Something Witchy This Way Comes

We’re back, everyone! We’ve all suffered through/enjoyed a long year without turning on our television sets and watching Jessica Lange and Company do something that makes us say “dafuq?” out loud. What say we end that streak, shall we? Read on for the recap for the first episode of American Horror Story: Coven.

Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?

Picture it. New Orleans. 1834. None other than Madame Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) is introducing her three daughters to some eligible gentlemen at a society ball.  They’re all prizes, with the possible exception of the youngest. “Perhaps my talents are in the boudoir,” the youngest daughter snarks. Right out the gate, AHS.  Later that night, Madame is coating her face with blood and complaining that it isn’t fresh enough to reverse the signs of aging like she’s accustomed to when one of her servants breaks the news that the slutty daughter has been caught making Victorian-era whoopee with Bastien, a slave, though Bastien swears it was her who came on to him. Oh Bastien. This is the pre-war South. And did you read that Wikipedia entry about how LaLaurie treated her slaves? This isn’t going to go well for you, my friend.  Madame has Bastien brought to her attic, which is stuffed to the gills with slaves who have been tortured. It’s grotesque – some have broken and warped bodies, others have their skin peeled off their faces.

“You want to behave like a beast,” she tells Bastien, “We’re going to treat you like one.” She has the hollowed out head of a bull placed over Bastien’s head like a mask while she pontificates on how she always loved the story of the Minotaur.

Man, that reparations argument is just getting stronger and stronger.

To the modern day! We meet Zoe (Taissa Farmiga, who played Violet in season 1), a teenage girl with an eye toward love, or at least scoring with a boy that she’s brought back to her house to make sweet, tender, first-time love with since her parents don’t get home until 6pm. It’s going exactly as losing your virginity should, right up until the boy begins to bleed from his eyes. And then from everywhere else as he hemorrhages in front of her. Bummer.

Zoe’s mother explains to her that turns out she’s a witch and not to worry, grandmother was the same way, but it’s really time to get this looked after. And so Zoe is transported (by train, natch) from her home to Miss Robichaux’s, a school in New Orleans for young witches in the company of an OMGYOUGUYSSERIOUSLYAMAZING Mrytle Snow (Played in campy, crazy goodness by Frances Conroy) who talks with a Mid-Atlantic accent and says things like, “I’m simply MAD about Tartan” while admiring Zoe’s drapes. She’s also with two albino black men, because why not?

Oh yeah. I can work with this. 

Witchcraft, it turns out, is not always predictable. “It doesn’t show up in every family member,” Zoe voiceover’s. “Like my cousin, Amanda. She’s just bulimic.” It’s happened often enough though that the witches from old Salem Towne got out of dodge when things got rough and fled to New Orleans to train new witches in peace. Even in the 17^th century, everyone from up north went to Mardi Gras, apparently.

Zoe arrives at the sprawling completely creepy mansion that is Miss Robichaaux’s. As she enters, the albinos and the crazy campy woman vanish behind her. Doors open on their own, creeking, etc. etc, leading me to doubt this school’s accreditation. Zoe is suddenly ambushed by three figures in black robes and masks who throw her to the ground and bring down a knife to stab her before pulling back to reveal themselves as the three other students of the school. I guess this was, like, her hazing or something? Man, just have her drink a bunch of shots and then circle the parts of her thighs that are too fat like all other civilized co-eds.

Roll call! There’s Madison (Emma Roberts), the Hollywood movie star who is also a telekinetic. Next is Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), the human voodoo doll. Finally, there’s Nan (Jamie Brewer, who played Addie in season 1), a clairvoyant. The entire place is run by Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), who explains that the school started off innocently enough in the 18^th century, but was acquired by witches in the 19^th century to train young witches, usually with classes around 60 women, but now most of the witches have died out. Cordelia explains that most witches have one or two gifts, but in every generation there is a Supreme who has all of them. As an object lesson in safety and needing to keep hidden, Cordelia tells the girls about another girl who was killed just a month ago not far from the city, a girl named Misty Day (Lily Rabe, who’s played more drunk socialites and possessed nuns than anyone on this show) who had the power to return dead things to life. Sadly, Misty was also a member of a snake-handling Christian group, who saw her gif t as less Holy Revelation, more Work of the Devil and burned Misty alive. (Fear not - Lily Rabe is listed as a lead character this season. Betting she’s coming back.) The point is, from Cordelia’s perspective, keep your heads down if you want to survive, girls.

Still better looking than Dumbledore...

In Los Angeles, we meet Cordelia’s mother, Fiona (Jessica Fuckin’ Lange), who is meeting with a researcher conducting cutting edge work on drugs to reverse aging. Fiona is impressed with the researcher’s work and wants to know when she can get in on the drug that her late husband’s money entirely funded. The researcher isn’t too excited about jumping the queue into human trials. “What we do here is not magic,” he tells her. Heh.

Regardless, Fiona is apparently successful in her argument. Five days later, she is in her penthouse apartment getting high and dancing to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (‘Cause wouldn’t you!?!) and getting pissed that she has yet to revert to the body of an 18 year old. She summons the researcher to demand more drugs, but he has nothing to give her. “We’re organic matter,” he says. “We rot and we die.” Not in Fiona’s plans, apparently, as she causes all the windows and doors to fly closed and lock and moves in on the researcher, kissing him passionately. He struggles, but gives in as he slowly begins to wither in her arms. When she’s done, he’s a dehydrated corpse who has aged 50 years and Fiona is looking stunning, young and beautiful. For a few moments, at least. She reverts quickly back to her older body, disgusted with herself.

Dinner at Hogwarts. Madison is mocking the butler, who looks exactly like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror and apparently is missing a tongue. Seriously. Can’t wait for that backstory. The four girls alternately snark each other and ask what they’re in for. Madison is there because she “accidently” killed a director who gave her a bad note that she didn’t like. It’s not long before the girls start using their powers on each other before cooler heads prevail and two of them stalk off. Madison informs Zoe that they’re going to a frat party tonight.

Cordelia is apparently skilled at potions and tinctures and is relaxing by brewing up some new concoctions in her garden/lab when Fiona surprises her. Fiona is disappointed that Delia has never lived up to her full potential – Fiona is the Supreme and Delia could be so much more than a teacher. Fiona has come back to New Orleans because she heard about Misty and fear that “this is Salem all over again.” She wants Delia to teach the girls how to fight, not to cower, and she’s come back to do just that, even if that means mother and daughter having to live under the same roof again. It’s bad enough for any adult child to hear that from a parent, just imagine if that parent was the most powerful witch in the modern age? Goes a long way to explaining why Delia is single.

Time for the frat party. There’s a keg bus, natch, and inside Frat President Kyle (Evan Peters, also returning from seasons 1 and 2) is explaining to his brothers how much fun they can have at this party without getting their charter revoked after some unfortunate disciplinary action by their university. Have to say, so far this is the part of the episode I most believe is accurate. Anyway, the frat brothers descend just as Madison and Zoe do as well. Horny Frat Boy #1 has his eyes on Madison, but Frat Boy With A Heart of Gold Kyle is taken with Zoe. Ah, the sweet sting of young love, which is never felt clearer than when two eyes meet through the ice luge at a Sig Eps rager.

"So, my vagina kills. That's what the writers gave me this season. Get abducted by any aliens lately or shoot up any schools on your way here?"

Madison, meanwhile, is Mean Girl-ing it up. She spots Horny Frat Boy and demands that he get her a drink and be her slave for the night. He willingly agrees. Know what you shouldn’t really do? Ask a morally bankrupt frat boy to mind your drinks. It takes all of five minutes before Madison is roofied out the wazoo and the entire bus of frat brothers are gang raping her in one of the rooms upstairs. This is AHS, guys. You know rape was coming sooner or later. Never change, AHS. It’s only interrupted when Kyle discovers them after Zoe asks for his help finding Madison. The Frat Boys flee back to the bus, pursued by Kyle. The brothers knock Kyle out and begin to drive the keg bus away from the party just as Zoe tries to chase it down in vain. But you know what the one thing worse than a bunch of rapey frat boys are? When their victim is a witch who is also telekinetic. Madison causes the bus to flip into the air, crashing back down and exploding.

The next morning, the girls are having breakfast when Fiona breezes into the room bemoaning “college boys taken in the prime of their lives. But then, the world’s not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy shirts.” Fiona tells Madison that was fine work, but she was sloppy. She’s taking them all on field trip to start their new instruction.

Madeline: The Adult Version

She brings them through the French Quarter giving the girls history of the underground covens of New Orleans. “When witches don’t fight, we burn,” she advises them. They’re distracted, though, when Nan wanders off to the house of Madame LaLaurie, which still stands in New Orleans despite being once owned by Nicholas Cage (true story) and the haunted tour that’s going on inside. Fiona glamours the docent into letting them in for free and we all get a magical mystery tour of exposition.

Madame LaLaurie apparently tried to fight age and keep herself young and fresh by creating poultices from the pancreases of her slaves, ripped out of them while alive.  That is, until the day she was approached by Marie Laveau (played here by Angela Bassett), who offered her a love potion that would ensure her husband’s fidelity. Madame drank Laveau’s concoction, but as anyone could guess, it was a poison, not a love potion. Turns out that slave that was turned into the Minotaur? He was Marie’s lover and she extracted her revenge. To this day, Madame LaLarie’s body has never been found. It’s then that Fiona notices Nan staring suspiciously at the backyard. “What do you hear?” Fiona asks her. “The lady of the house,” Nan replies.

I personally can't wait for the scene when she learns about the Civil Rights Act.

Zoe meanwhile has taken a detour to the hospital to see which of the frat boys survived the crash and hoping that one of the two survivors is Kyle. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Yeah, life’s a bitch – it’s the guy who was leading all the raping. And so Zoe makes a choice – her vagina has the power to kill, after all. All it takes is a little hand job for the unconscious rapey frat boy followed by a quick mounting and it’s hemorrhages all around!

That night, Fiona has paid two workers to dig up the backyard of Madame LaLaurie’s house and they have found a suspiciously human-sized box in the ground. She glamours the workers into forgetting her and opens the wooden casket to find a still hale and healthy looking Madame LaLaurie, quivering and shaking and bound in chains. “Come on, Mary Todd Lincoln,” Fiona says as she frees her. “I’ll buy you a drink.”

So, right off the bat we’re away from the muted tones and repressive feeling of season two’s Asylum. This is all glamour and camp and a whole lotta lady power, maybe as an antidote to the amount of violence done to the female characters last season? As someone who personally doesn’t find witches all that frightening, I’ll have to see how scary this season gets. MaggieCats will also have to update us on any of her Pillow of Fear moments, but for right now all I’m stuck on is, “needs more Angela Bassett.”

MOAR ANGELA!!! MOAR!!!!

Season Finale! And the Fangirls Wept...

Midday in the Garden of Good and Evil plotlines. Alcide has apparently remembered that he used to be a character that we liked because he graciously offers to join Sookie as she walks home from Terry’s funeral and contemplates mortality, right and wrong, why she wore high heels, etc. The flirty eyes are on full display and just might continue even though Sookie is supposedly trying to remember which creature of the night she’s going to make an undying promise to when they overhear the newly freed vampires stumbling back to Bill’s house, still high as a punch of pale kites. And fucking each other in Bill’s lawn. But in a Summer-of-Love-Peace-Out-Brother kind of way, so it’s beautiful. Or something.

"Come on people, now - Smile on your brother. Everybody get together, just don't eat one another right now..."

Sookie approaches when the vamps are literally jitterbugging. And that’s not a metaphor. Although I suppose some of them probably were alive during the 1920s, so it’s not that odd that they’d still want to cut a rug, old style. Next they start burning their prison uniforms, completely unable to understand what time they live in. Violet is feeding off Jason and offering him her blood, which Jason accepts willingly until Sookie stops them. Despite being initially upset that Jason never mentioned a sister (because their relationship up until this point has been about sharing?), Violet is suddenly overtaken by the need to make out with Sookie before letting Sookie and Jason talk. Jason tells Sookie that he might be in love with Violet and wants to be with her forever as Sookie gets more and more emo about the meaning of that word. 

Back in the Faerie dimension, Ben is hearing wedding bells and has prepared a Maypole for their wedding ceremony. Ben’s having a hard time understanding how a funeral for a friend is making Sookie feel less excited about her upcoming nuptials despite the reasonable argument that if they’re going to be together forever, maybe going out on a few dates before the wedding is order. And that’s when Ben slaps Sookie so hard she falls to the ground.

It’s not that we haven’t all wanted to hit Sookie at some point, but you’re not making the case for Husband of the Year here.

VampireCamp has become Vampire Summer Camp as the vamps all play volleyball in the sun. Violet is having a case of “Bitch stay away from my man” jealousy with Jessica talking to Jason. Pam meanwhile, wants to be into it but is missing Eric and wants to go after him, despite Tara trying to reason with her not to. Bill is also not appreciating the fun, staying inside and brooding over the fact that he doesn’t seem to have Lilith’s powers any longer. He’s also just now realizing that he pushed Sookie to Ben and that she’ll soon be a vampire and his wife and there’s nothing Bill can do about it. “You said you were Bill again,” Jessica tells him when he confesses this to her. “Bill Compton would have walked through fire to save her.”

Bill gathers Jessica, Violet and Jason and tells them about Sookie and Ben and that the only person who can get them all to Sookie in the Faerie dimension is Andy Bellefleur’s half fey daughter Adilyn. Arriving at the Bellefleur house, Jason is welcomed in but problems arise when Violet confesses that she needs to be invited in, sending everyone into a perfectly understandable panic. Violet tries to calm them down by insisting that she only feeds off Jason. “We’re monogamous,” she explains. Jason begs Adilyn to help Sookie, who agrees after listening to Jason’s thoughts and understanding how genuinely he wants to save Sookie. Andy only agrees if he’s allowed to come too and can bring his vampire armory.

In Faerieland, Ben has bound Sookie to the Maypole and monologues about he was meant to be with Sookie and be faerie royalty, but Lilith took it all. Also, turns out he really just wants to (in his words) “fuck you, and own you, and use you for your blood.” Cue the biting as Sookie screams, but suddenly hears Adilyn call to her. In our world, the A-Team has arrived but Adilyn isn’t sure how to open the portal. “I’m, like, two weeks old!” she reminds the rest of them when they express exasperation at this. Bill tries some new age coaching about connecting with the earth but it doesn’t work. Theorizing that maybe Adilyn needs to be afraid to use her powers, Violet obliges, attacking Adilyn and causing the portal to open and everyone to be taken into it.

The gang arrives and the Vamp Fight begins! Ben and Bill fight while the rest of the team grabs Sookie and brings her back to our world, leaving Bill to continue the fight until Ben opens the portal himself and brings them both back as well, knocking Bill unconscious in the process. Ben finds the rest of the gang at Sookie’s house and proceeds to take them down, one by one. Ben can enter Sookie’s house, but Bill can’t, leaving Ben to lock Jason, Adilyn and Andy in the basement. Ben finds Sookie upstairs in the bathroom and is about to move in when who should reappear but Grandpa! Grandpa finally breaks through that dimensional portal Ben threw him into so many episodes ago just in time to hold Ben in place so Jason can stake him good and proper.

Three cheers for Rutger Hauer, ladies and gentlemen!

As Ben disintegrates into a pile of radioactive red goo and Jason, Sookie and Grandpa rejoice in their winnings, all the vampires who drank Ben’s blood begin to glow, seeing their ability to go out in the sun removed from them. Good thing it’s night, right? Well, true, but here’s the funny thing about time zones – when it’s nighttime in Louisiana, it’s high noon in Sweden, which is where Eric has gone to go sunbathing in the nude. That sound you hear? That’s the sound of millions of fangirls crying out as Eric Northman, sex symbol of True Blood, erupts in flames and burns, presumably to his death. Personally, I'll believe it when I see next season's cast list.

This picture and the gifs of him standing up full frontal and bursting into flames are literally making up about half of the internet right now. 

Cut to six months later and Lawrence O’Donnell (seriously) is giving a news report about new cases of mutated Hepatitis V being diagnosed and interviewing Bill, who’s the author of a new book about his experiences called And God Bled. Well done, publishing industry! Sookie watches the interview from home as Bill confesses to killing the Governor which he justifies as an action that’s understandable given that it was technically a biological weapon against a particular class of people. Yes, True Blood, I get it – Nazis were evil. Moving on… Alcide and Sookie are officially a couple that sexes each other all the time now. Violet has convinced Jason to redecorate his basement to be her girly bedroom, even if Violet will only let Jason go down on her and won’t let him take off his pants. Not very GGG, Violet.

Sam, meanwhile, has been elected Mayor and has organized a community-wide blood test at church one Sunday to see if anyone in Bon Temps is a carrier for Hep V. Predictably for the South, the Whites sit on one side and the Blacks on the other until the preachers convince everyone to mingle a bit. Sookie introduces herself to a young black girl named Crystal, who seems a little scared by the reverend’s sermon about “roving bands of hungry vampires” who are out to destroy small towns.  When Sam takes the podium, he outlines a plan that he and Bill have come up with – that night, the results of the blood tests will be available at Bellefleur’s Grill (the renamed Merlott’s) along with the good times that, as they are wont to do in Louisiana, shall roll. The catch is that every uninfected human will agree to let an uninfected vampire feed from them in exchange for protection for them and their families. This… doesn’t go over well, despite Sam’s insistence that “every single human needs and vampire and every vampire needs a human” in order to be safe in the Brave New World.

This is one of the only two times we see Lafayette in this episode. UNACCEPTABLE!

That night, the band plays, the people mingle, the food is eaten. Humans and (select) vampires together. Cats lay down with dogs. Both Alcide and Sookie share their negative results (Jesus, True Blood – pick a metaphor!) as Tara, the perpetually lonely single girl, confesses to Violet that she’s not sure she would pick any of the slobby men here. Dead or living, it’s always the same story for the sad girl at the party, isn’t it? Tara’s mother approaches her to apologize for 25 years of bad history between the two of them. Her mother confesses that she’s knows she’s guilty for neglecting Tara as she grew up, even forgetting at times to feed her as a child, but now she wants to make it right and offers her blood to her. Tara emotionally agrees, moving in to bite her mother. The entire scene is actually equal party squicky, frightening and sweet.

What? No Madonna and child imagery to go along with the VampireJesus? Missed opportunity, True Blood.

Adilyn and Andy, meanwhile, are watching Toddlers and Tiaras when the door knocks. It’s Jessica, who has come to offer both of them protection, but not for either of their blood. She tells them that she will keep them both safe, no strings attached. Andy considers shooting Jessica through the heart, but lets her go instead as Jessica stands guard outside their house in the dark.

Bill finds Sookie and Alcide leaving the party and offers protection to Sookie, saying Alcide isn’t good enough and that he’s changed and can be trusted. “Even at your best, I could never really trust you,” Sookie tells him. Just then, both Alcide and Bill pick up the scent of some approaching infected vampires looking to move into the party like it’s a buffet, which it kind of is. They are quickly joined by more and more infected vampires who all begin to move in.

And with that, vampire pop culture has finally grown out of its Anne Rice phase and moved back to the point where vampires are once again scary instead of sexy. I really, really hope this is the direction they move in for the seventh season (oh yes, there's going to be one) because it's beyond obvious to say that I think we've done the sexy vampire thing to death. 

True Blood was at its best when it began partially because it was one of the first of the post-Interview vampire stories in the public eye to at least partially embrace the vampire as, if not horrifying, at least dangerous. And not dangerous in an "Finally! A bad boy that I can take home to mom and dad because they'll hate him and his leather jacket and motorcycle" kind of way. True Blood has within it the potential to keep breaking new ground with vampires, even if the show has kind of lagged the past couple of years. 

Of course, you could also make the argument that the infected vampires shambling out of the bayou to devour the innocent party goers is less a stroke of originality and more an attempt to capitalize on another tired trend, the zombie story. But let's (perhaps foolishly) give it the benefit of the doubt until at least next summer and hope that scary, ugly vampires are finally coming back to us.

Praise Lilith!

True Blood Special - All Shirts Half Off!

So, the True Blood episode "At Last" this week finally brought us back to some of the classic Season 1-era good stuff, with all the vampire-lovin' and crazy V Juice hallucinations and some good, old fashioned slaughter. It took us four episodes, but we're finally getting to the good stuff, people. 

We begin with Sookie and Ben distracting themselves from their nascent hormones to notice that Jason’s “I’m Totally Fine It’s In No Way A Problem” related sickness from last episode is, go figure, a problem now that he’s passed out on the floor. While Sookie goes to call 911, Ben vamps out (!!!)and bites into his own arm to feed Jason his blood. Why Ben – you sly dog you! So that’s why Sookie is so into you.  And it couldn’t possibly be in no way shape or form because you’re totally maybe not really Warlow. I mean, there’s absolutely no possible way our blonde heroine could be fooled by a handsome man who’s secretly the big bad, right?

Oh. Right. 

Nora is fleeing but is stopped by Grandpa. Nora has figured out that Warlow is the only one who can kill Lilith, but no one knew before now due to a mistranslation in the Vampire Bible. Don’t you just kinda wish there was also something about wearing mixed textiles or selling your daughter into slavery for not being a virgin as well? Anyway, It’s right about then that Nora realizes she’s talking to a yummy, yummy faerie and Grandpa has to literally blast her half a mile away, right into a troop of the Gov’s armed men, who bag and tag Nora like it’s their job. Of course, that’s because it is.

Back at the house, Jason has made an astonishing recovery and is back to normal in, literally, seconds. Ben feigns ignorance as Grandpa returns to remind Ben that Sookie is the one who is Fey and needs protecting, not Jason. Tough love, Jason. Don’t look to Grandpa to be your new father figure.

The werewolf pack is finishing up their meal of Hipsters Au Gratin when Martha notices that Sam made away with Emma. Alcide orders the wolves to give chase. Sidebar – did the writers this season just decide to throw out all of Alcide’s characterization from the past three years? He’s approaching serious dick-itude. Sam is helping the wounded Nicole get to Lafayette who’s waiting with the getaway car.

"I know. We're almost halfway through the season and we're both stuck in this plotline."

Ginger, meanwhile, is doing her best to keep the Governor talking, but his patience is up and his men raid her house with “silver oxide” tear gas. Ginger gets yet another chance to scream her trademark scream as the Governor orders her taken to the Camp as well. Given how often she’s been glamoured, the Camp may actually be restful for her. Eric and Pam, however, have already escaped to find Tara, who has says she’s hidden Willa at the county fairground.

At the Bellefleur’s, the Quintuplets are listening into Terry’s thoughts about Patrick, the dead fire-monster Marine from last season. Terry tries to tell them he’s just sad that Patrick had to go away, but the girls are like, “Um… we’re mind-readers. You killed him, dude.” These four are rapidly becoming the Mean Girls of Bon Temps with all their giggling and laser-hand blasting. Andy arrives to put the girls to bed. “You haven’t slept since you were three,” he tells them. He kisses them goodnight and turns out the light and closes the door, which is right when the next growth spurt hits and the girls instantly mature to late teenagers. “I don’t want to stay in bed,” one of them says. “We might be 30 by the time we wake up.” They decide to do what teenage girls do best – sneak out and find a rager somewhere.

"Maybe a pillow fight will break out while we're still developmentally age-appropriate for one."

At Sookie’s, Jason is working out (shirtless, naturally) and managing pull up reps in the upper 200s. Hrm… Sookie is tidying up the living  room when she sees a drop of blood on the floor. She remembers Grandpa showing her last episode how the blood that was all over the slaughtered faerie Go-Go club reacted strangely to faerie light and this drop does the same. Remember how Ben was supposedly walking around for a day before finding the place and I was asking if it was bad writing or a plot point? Guess we know which.

The Quintuplets meanwhile have stolen Andy’s police cruiser and headed to the liquor store in Aunt Arlene’s best “gal on the town” clothes, unaware that they’re being followed by Bill and Jessica. Inside the liquor store, the girls tell the skeezy cashier that they forgot their IDs, but they’re totes 27. The cashier says if they want to follow him to the back there’s a “little known trick of anatomy” that he knows that can tell him for sure if they’re of age. Jessica saves the day, glamouring the cashier into leaving. Jessica tries to bond with the kids before inviting them back to her place, but the girls notice that she “smells funny” and isn’t like them. Jessica admits that she’s a vampire, but tells them not to worry because she’s “Like, totally old and I can totally control myself and I have, like, a ton of faerie friends.” Sounds good to the girls! (See my repeated comments re: faeries and their lack of critical thinking skills.)

Jason, meanwhile, is shaving (shirtless, naturally). With Ben’s help. While Barry White style music plays in the background.  “Do you want to do me now?” Ben asks, winking. Jason lathers his face with shaving cream before accidently cutting Ben’s neck with the razor, causing a trickle of blood. Ben asks him to taste the blood and Jason moves in, mouth open, tongue out aaaaaaaand you TOTALLY knew this was a weird sex dream, right? Jason bolts upright in his bed, looking hilariously freaked out.

Ho-yay ahoy!

Bill talks one of the girls into letting him take some of her blood, under the guise of it being a foreplay thing. He then brings the blood to the professor that Jessica brought in last episode who’s being held in a makeshift lab in the basement. Bill asks him to use the girl’s blood to replicate this blood, just like he did with human blood to make True Blood, telling the professor “failure is not an option.”

Eric has found Willa in the fairgrounds. She reiterates that she’s on his side, not being happy with what her father is doing and she wants to help in any way that she can. Eric digs a grave in the earth and helps her into it before joining her (shirtless, naturally). “Is it going to hurt?” She whimpers. “Not the way I do it,” he responds before biting her, spilling blood all over her white nightgown. He then uses her crucifix to open his own neck and has her drink from him. FINALLY, TRUE BLOOD! Only took you, like six years to get to this classic dangerous, Dracula-y, sexy, sacrilegious vampire stuff. 

Jeez, way to make a guy wait for it, you know?

The next day, Sam and Nicole are patching up Nicole and breaking the bad news that her Vampire Unity group was killed. By Werewolves. There’s a joke in there, but I’m not sure exactly where it is. Nicole tries to leave town, but Sam points out that’s ridiculously stupid given that there’s a whole pack of werewolves on her tail that can follow her anywhere.

Sookie finds Ben at his hotel (shirtless, naturally). She offers to fix him supper for his trouble, but it’s totally not a date. Actually, it’s probably totally not since Sookie has uncharacteristically seemed to figure out that Ben’s not being totally upfront here.

Jason finds Grandpa at the kitchen table and decides to “coyly” ask about his sexytime dream. Grandpa immediately knows what’s going on, amusedly noting that Ben is “a handsome fella.” It could all be a good opportunity for a Bon Temps It Gets Better video, when it occurs to Grandpa that if a vampire could turn a Fey, the end result could be a vampire who can be out in the sun. Grandpa and Jason find Ben in his hotel room about to get into the shower (he apparently put a shirt on after talking to Sookie, however quickly takes it off, naturally) and move in for the kill. They try to ambush him in the shower, but Ben is already behind them, taking Grandpa out with a light blast and glamoring Jason into believing that they never found him, and suddenly speaking in an English accent. Jason is sent to the car, leaving Grandpa with Ben who feeds on him.

Andy Bellefeur is going nuts looking for his missing daughters and wants to put out an APB on “four Caucasian girls between 4 and 7 feet tall, 60 and 260lbs. and the ages of 10 and 50.” Arlene and Terry correctly point out that they’re probably just being teenagers and his reactions are exactly what parents go through. They’re not wrong, but, as usual, they’re so not right at the same time.

Sookie has set the table all nice and Southern-like, however like a true Southern Gothic novel character, she’s got a bottle of liquid silver poison next to her recipe box.  Upstairs she makes herself pretty (shirtless, naturally. Hey, everyone gets a little sumthin’ sumthin’ in this episode).

"Let me show you how a shirtless scene is done, boys."

In the lab, the Professor has figured out that the girl’s blood is highly unstable and will turn into regular human blood once outside of the girl’s bodies. The Professor refuses to work as long as Bill is holding anyone else hostage, but Bill’s not hearing it, throwing the Prof to the ceiling with his brain.

Willa, meanwhile, has awoken and is feeding off a young man until Eric tears her away, handing the young man some money as “short notice hazard pay.” Willa wants to either hunt or have sex, but Eric sends her home to her father. Eric tells her that in 1000 years, she’s only the second vampire he’s ever made and it wasn’t done lightly – if her father can see that vampires were once human and aren’t something to be hunted, it will be worth it. Have to say, I can’t see this going the way he thinks it’s going to.

Pam and Tara are trying to find an underground speakeasy for a willing human meal and fighting about Willa. Tara is pissed at Pam’s “This is war” attitude and runs away just as Pam is shot by an approaching Army guard and taken captive.

In the Governor’s mansion, Sarah Newlin is trying to distract the Governor from his missing daughter. Sarah, it seems, has embraced the mistress-y parts of modern politics. Just then, Willa arrives, and tells her father he has to stop persecuting “us vampires” and if he still loves her, he will call off his plans. “This is my daughter” he says, seemingly willing to agree. Too bad he’s still got that wound from earlier, leaking fresh blood which just sets Willa off. Thankfully, Sarah’s there to shoot Willa down like a dog. “You’ve got to send her to the camp,” Sarah tells the Gov.

On the bridge, Ben is feeding Grandpa his blood when Grandpa makes the connection that Ben is Warlow. Ben tells Grandpa that what made him spare Grandpa all those years ago was the struggle that he feels between his own dark and light impulses before opening the portal that he came through and tossing Grandpa into it.

Sam and Nicole hide out in a hotel room as Nicole has serious survivor guilt over being the last hipster standing and Sam is just now thinking about how Luna died in his arms. Well, this is a good time to make out, right?

Sookie is about to give up on Ben having stood her up when he shows up at the door with flowers. She serves him the plate of silver-infused chicken which he eats with gusto, confounding Sookie.

At Bill’s house, the girls are getting restless and ready to go and no amount of Jessica’s dress up clothes is going to keep them here. Jessica suddenly looses control and lunges at one of them, biting her neck. 

"None of you even have names. I'm just going my part to clean up the character roster."

Andy and Jason, meanwhile, have found Andy’s abandoned cruiser and the cashier who can’t recall the girls ever coming by. Jason says that its possible he was glamoured “or he might just be an idiot.” Right on both counts, Jason. Jason lets slip that faeries are catnip to vampires, sending Andy running for his car.

At Bill’s house, Jessica has fallen off the wagon in a major way. Like, in a “sorry I ate all of the Sheriff’s daughters, but at least we’ve resolved this aging plotline before they got to middle age” kind of way. Bill finds her sobbing over their bloody bodies, praying that they’re not dead.

Sookie and Ben are getting friendly on the couch. This being Sookie and Ben being a vampire, “friendly” means going from a kiss to straddling and unzipping within literally seconds. (I never have dates like this.) The shirts come off one last time (naturally) and Ben is about to get lucky when Sookie whispers all soft and sexy-like into his ear, “You can get the fuck off me now, Warlow.” We see she’s got her Faerie Nuclear Light Bomb ready to go in her hand as we cut to black.

"The writers never give me moments of awesome. Don't take this from me, Jerk."

A Comedy Tonight!

Recap of this week's True Blood’s episode “You’re No Good." Despite the overly serious nature of the last two episodes, we finally got some time to (intentionally) bring the funny in this one. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric abducts Willa, the daughter of the Governor and learns that the Gov has been building a concentration camp for vampires, the newest addition to which is a captured Steve Newlin. Alcide is torn between protecting the pack and Emma’s obvious fear and desire to be returned to Sam. Andy Bellefleur tries to make nice with waitress Holly. Bill’s new powers don’t extend to keeping him safe in the sun, so he tries to force Sookie to give him some of her blood to save everyone, possibly irreparably damaging their relationship forever. Jason falls mysteriously ill just as Ben and Grandpa try to help Sookie defend herself against Warlow.

Recap:

Eric is making with the sexy gesturing on the Governor’s daughter, Willa. It’s all very cheesy 1990s porn-y, honestly, with Eric saying things like, “Are you daddy’s little girl?” to her. The point being, if he kills her, will it mess up the Governor in a royally craptastic way. (One assumes “yes”.) Willa manages to tell Eric just before the biting and draining begins about her father's “experiments.” This is news to Eric. Armed guards burst down the door to Willa’s bedroom, but Eric and Willa are already gone through the open window.

Sookie is practicing her faerie lights unaware that something is watching her from outside her house. Again, how the hell have faeries survived all this time? Any other prey in the animal kingdom at least had the good sense to evolve side-facing eyes in order to avoid predators. Thankfully, Grandpa is a bit better in tune and feels something approaching. He begins to pursue, but when Jason, who’s suddenly feeling ill, collapses outside and Sookie leaves the house to help him, Grandpa is forced to teleport them all back inside. Sookie says she’s so used to danger she doesn’t get scared until the “shit starts to really hit the fan.” 

“Inter-dimensional ancient vampire with a hate on for your blood? That’s pretty much as shit-and-fan as you get, sister.”

Eric brings Willa to Fangtasia. Which is to say, he’s kidnapped the Governor’s daughter and brought her to an illegal vampire business that the Governor is expressly trying to shut down. Tara sums it up nicely with an “aw hell no you di’en.” Eric orders Pam and Tara to pack what they need while he glamours the hell out of Willa, but before he can do anything Willa turns that tables and offers to help, saying she doesn’t approve of her father’s politics. Apparently the Gov has been using state funds to build a vampire concentration camp, but she doesn’t know where. Pam wants Willa killed out of retribution, but Eric’s says the world is changing and she’s their only bargaining chip. Well, her and, you know, super powers.

Meanwhile, at the Vampire Concentration Camp, guards drag a hooded man into a lab and strap him down – it’s Steve Newlin! Remember him? The rabidly Christian anti-vampire preacher who last season got turned into a vampire and in the process also became uber gay? Poor guy’s fallen on harder times it seems. The lab scientist does his best Goebbels impression and orders the guards to get Newlin ready.

Sam and Lafayette are coming to in Sam’s living room – Nicole and her boyfriend Jesse brought them in after the werewolf fight was over. Lafayette kicks them and their overly PC asses out with a bottle of whiskey and awesomeness, but Nicole manages to get an apology out to Sam before leaving. Yup, it’s new love interest season and no existing boyfriend is safe. Sam wants to get Emma, but Lafayette points out that he can’t possibly do it along since his schemes usually end up with him being captured. “So I’m telling you, I is in, and I want to know what’s the muthafuckin’ plan, boyfriend?”

Lafayette is awesome ALWAYS.

Eric shows up at Ginger’s house (she’s the tweaked out barmaid at Fangtasia who’s perpetually hot for Eric and perpetually confused from how many times Pam has had to glamour her) and gets her to invite him in on the pretext of having sex so he can hide Willa and hide from the sun that’s going to rise soon. Classic comedy of errors with many times the front door slamming only to be stopped by Pam then Tara. It’s classic comedy, people.

Jessica, meanwhile, is trying to clarify Bill’s “everyone’s going to burn” comment since, you know, details on such a prediction could potentially be important since she’s one of everyone, but Bill doesn’t know the whys or wherefores. Because his vision is a gift from Lilith he thinks he can survive during the day. As the sun comes up, Jessica tries to talk him into coming inside, terrified that he’ll burn, but Bill sends her inside to safety and waits for the sun in his front yard. It…doesn’t go well. Bill instantly ignites in flames and runs burning into the house. “I don’t understand…” he weeps as Jessica holds him.

"I believe I'm a God and so I want to take a potentially fatal risk. When has that ever gone wrong?"

Grandpa arrives at the faerie sanctuary/club to find it deserted and bloody. He uses his faerie light whatchamahoozle powers to see into the recent past and all the faerie Go-Go dancers that lived there scattered as something entered the club and killed them. That’s when he finds the one faerie left alive, who confirms that it was a vampire that got in somehow and asks Grandpa to send him home – which apparently involves disintegrating him into a pile of dust. Hail and farewell, you brave Go-Go dancing faerie boy.

Jason is still feeling miserable back at the house. Sookie wants to take him to the hospital, but he insists he’s getting better now that the hallucinations are gone, which Sookie had no idea about. “You didn’t wonder why I’ve been acting all crazy and more racist than usual?” he asks her. Fair point, Jason. He tells Sookie that it was because he’s been seeing their parents encouraging him, which he doesn’t understand given how nice they were in life. Sookie points out that when we lose people, sometimes we only remember the good and become blind to their faults, reminding Jason that their mother was scared of her for Sookie’s entire life. The entire scene is actually really sweet and I honestly love Sookie/Jason scenes for how well the way they capture how adult siblings act with each other.

At the Sheriff’s office, Andy Bellefleur and his deputy are unpacking their new anti-vampire provisions supplied by the Louisiana state government when Holly the waitress and sometimes paramour arrives wanting to know if Andy’s going to enforce the Governor’s vampire curfew. Behind her are Andy’s now tween-aged quadruplets, who have evolved quickly to like tracksuits and Justin Beiber. Holly, being there for the girls’ birth two days ago is…nonplussed to say the least. “Do they have names?” she asks. “ Right now I’m just using numbers,” Andy replies.

"There's literally nothing about the concept of good parenting that makes it through to you, is there?"

Meanwhile, two officers have arrived at Martha’s house looking for Emma, who is stashed in the back. Alcide and Ricki (one of the two indistinguishable were-bitches, just using her words) say they haven’t seen her and can’t help, but the cops insist on seeing Martha. Ricki fetches Martha to distract the cops and then turns on Emma, forcibly demanding that she shift into wolf form, despite her terror at being there. Outside the cops aren’t buying anyone’s story and insist that they be let in, since the Gov’s new orders give them vast latitude on search and seizure. Because Governors can overrule federal law as well as constitutionally protected rights with an executive order, but whatevs reality. Upon entering, they find Ricki holding a small puppy and leave. Ricki gains a little sympathy from me when she points out to Alcide and Martha that if the cops learn that they’re all werewolves than it’s only a matter of time before everything that they’re doing to the vampires is done to them too. Grumble, grumble, character depth, grrr…

Andy, Holly and the girls have taken to the woods so that Andy can teach Holly how to shoot a gun in case she needs to protect herself. When Holly can’t manage to hit any of the targets, the girls begin taking potshots of their own. “Dammit, girls! How many times do I have to tell you? Hand lasers off!” Andy yells. When Holly finally manages to hit a target, Andy confesses that he still has feelings for her and knows she’s mad that he, you know, knocked up a faerie a few weeks ago. Holly tries to sound unimpressed until one of the girls says, “Do you want to know what she’s thinking?” “Shut up, Number Three,” Holly yells back.

In less funny situations, Willa is stuck sitting in a hole in the ground with Eric all day trying to talk to him when all he wants to do is sleep. Willa says the reason the Gov hates vampires is because her mother was cheating on him with a vampire. So Mom was a fangbanger and, turns out, Willa is too! (Naturally – we’ve gone almost two episodes without a sex scene.) Willa tries to taste Eric’s blood from a scratch on his face, but he won’t let her. No sex for you, Willa!

"If I wanted to not have sex, I wouldn't have dumped that Pattinson guy."

Ben apparently never made it to the faerie club/abattoir because he’s still wandering the forest almost 24 hours after Sookie left him. Bad writing, or a plot point? Time will tell. Anyway, he spots Grandpa leaving the field where the sanctuary is hidden and recognizes him as the King of the Fey. Grandpa gives him the 411 on Warlow and recruits him to help once Ben hears that Grandpa is related to Sookie.

At the Vampire Concentration Camp lab, a visitor is here to see Steve – it’s his ex-wife Sarah, who we last saw co-leading the Fellowship of the Sun with him before she had extra-marital sex with Jason and he left her to be a gay vampire. Modern marriage, you know? Anyway, Steve thinks Sarah’s here to save him, which judging by her significantly greater amount of makeup and hairstyling, is not going to happen. They argue about who left who, who run away with who’s money, who decided to write a best-selling tell-all book about the whole deal. Again, the usual for a recently-divorced Christian celebrity power couple. Sarah tells him the Camp is a legally-sanctioned facility for eradicating the vampire race. After all, she tells him, “if you really want to go God’s work, you have to be in politics.”

"Is there possibly a vampire version of the Appalachian Trial you could hike? That would really help my congressional ambitions." 

That night, Bill awakes healed and asks Jessica to find a professor at the university, the one who originally created True Blood and bring him, but he advises her to wear something “inappropriate.” Oh Jesus, True Blood. This was all just an excuse to get Jessica in a schoolgirl outfit wasn’t it?

Spoiler alert: Yes.

Jessica joins the Good Dr. Jailbait’s lecture, Charlie’s Angels style, and immediately catches his attention. After the lecture Jessica lays it on thick, telling him that she just switched her major to organic chemistry and needs a little “private tutoring” to catch up. Dr. Pedophile suggests tonight, perhaps? “Oh, it has to be tonight,” Jess vamps. (Pun!) Bill, meanwhile, shows up at Sookie’s door and asks for her help to prevent the vision he saw. Sookie refuses to invite him in, but Bill somehow is able to enter without the invitation. He tells Sookie he needs her blood for Dr. Sleezy to synthesize so he can save Eric, Pam, Jessica and Tara from his vision and he’ll take her with her or against her will. Sookie says if he ever loved her, he’d leave and not ask for her blood again. Bill angrily tells her that she’s practically dead to him now. “I’m good with that,” she responds, albeit a little sadly.

Nicole, Jesse and the other hipster activists are trying to get covert video of the werewolves turning, so they approach Alcide and the others asking to talk to them. In retrospect, approaching werewolves with a name like the Vampire Unity Society was not a smart idea, and the pack gets restless quickly, starting with Ricki who wolfs out and charges. A few blood splatters later and Nicole is the only member left alive. She flees for the hills pursued by the wolves, which is when the owl that has been watching them for a while turns into Sam, who runs into the house to rescue Emma.

At Ginger’s house, the Governor is on the line. Literally. He’s called Eric’s cell phone. Ginger rouses the vamps who keep Willa quiet while Eric talks. The Gov tries to trace the call while they talk (ATTN: Hollywood – do you not know how caller ID works?), locating them. Eric uses Ginger to keep the line open while chasing after Willa whom Tara has fled with.

Grandpa brings Ben to Sookie’s house, just in time for Sookie’s emotional break with Bill. He tells them about what he found, including how many of Sookie’s faerie friends are now dead. Ben tries to make nice with Sookie, asking if he can help clean the damage to the kitchen from Bill’s temper tantrum. She softens a bit and notices that she can feel it when Ben listens in on her thoughts, but not when other Fey do. Grandpa senses that Warlow is back outside the house. Grandpa and Ben head outside and trap something, but it turns out to be Nora. Just then, Jason collapses inside the house, allowing Nora to get away.

Andy catches Bill outside after curfew, but Bill persuades him to let him go home. In the process, Bill notices that Andy suddenly has a whole batch of new half-faerie children floating about. Well, isn’t that a development for someone who’s looking for faerie blood…

What If God Was (A Vampire Like) One Of Us?

Hi All - A little delayed, but here's the recap for last week's episode of True Blood, "The Sun."

TL;DR:  Surprise! The guy we thought was Warlow is actually the Stackhouse pater familias who tells Sookie she can kill every vampire at the price of her faerie-tude. The Governor has a few technological tricks up his sleeve including silver-UV bullets, glamour-resistant contacts and a sense of the dramatic. Sookie meets yet another handsome wounded man who is half-faerie. Eric has a plan involving the Governor's daughter. Bill has a Lilith-acid trip and learns that he is JesusVampire and can see the future and we're ALL GOING TO DIE!


FULL STORY: While Sookie sleeps and the magic fairy contract glows, a monster or possibly Odin from the Neil Gaiman universe rips open a tear in the fabric of space and time and forces himself into our world. NotOdin bears his vampiric teeth and vanishes into the night. I would kind of love this show forever if it turns out he’s just popping around to our world because whatever hell dimension he is from just doesn’t have twinkies or something and he’s really got a craving.

"In the event of inter-dimensional invasion, the secondary party as described by the blood oath in section 2, paragraph 1, shall be entitled to full compensation via faerie orgy party."

Warlow stops Jason from crashing the car into a tree with magic laser blasts out of his hands. Since the only reason the car was crashing to begin with is that Warlow, who was driving, vanished out of it, seems like there was an easier solution. The laser blasts are at least quickly explained – Rutger Hauer is actually not Warlow (joke’s on us) – he’s Jason’s Fairy Grandfather. Oh True Blood. I really do love you sometimes for the things you let me write. Anyway, the reason he convinces Jason he is who he says he is by telling him he knows about the “juicy porn” that Jason keeps stashed under the bed. He cooked up the hitchhiker opportunity to test Jason’s ability to defend himself against Warlow – and Jason has failed. In fairness, if Grandpa has been watching Jason for years, the news that Jason can’t trust people or keep his mouth shut when big things are afoot really shouldn’t have needed any more proving. Grandpa tells Jason that something big is coming and neither he nor Sookie is ready.

At Fangtasia, Tara is in pain after being shot by the National Guard and she isn’t healing. Eric and Nora figure out that the bullet is made of silver and emitting UV light. The Governor’s folk have been watching a lot of Underworld, apparently. Nora admits that the Vampire Authority was talking about humans developing new weapons. Eric says he isn’t scared, but Pam points out that “there’s more of them than us, maybe we should be scared.”

At Bill’s house, Jessica wakes up to Bill screaming downstairs. He is manic, insisting that he can feel all the vampires’ pain, everywhere, and has visions of vampires being harmed in different ways including one who is being chained and dragged behind a car. (Subtle, True Blood.) Bill goes into a kind of trance where he sees himself being led by three naked and bloodied women through a field to a woman who appears to be Lilith, who tells Bill that events have been set in motion. A Tide Is Rising. It Is The Beginning of the End. Etc, etc. Jeez, even vampires’ prophetic dreams are cryptic. Lilith tells Bill he’s not a God, although one day people may worship him as one. (Foreshadowing!) There is only one God, and He created Lilith as a Vampire and Adam and Eve as humans. Theological differences aside, Bill must complete Lilith’s “work”. Just when we might find out what that is, Jessica manages to snap Bill out of the trance, saying she’s ordered delivery for him.

 From the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog in Hell.

Sookie wakes to a phone call from Arlene who is upset that Sookie (again) has not shown up for work. Terry and Arlene notice that one of the pregnant women who has just entered the very busy Merlotte’s bar is the wife of Patrick, Terry’s old army buddy from last season. The wife demands to know what happened to Patrick, assuming he left her for another girl. Loveable Oaf Terry wants to tell her the truth – that he was implicit in the summoning of an Ifrit that almost consumed everyone from their unit in Iraq but Terry killed Patrick thus allowing the Ifrit to resolve its bloodcurse without further destruction, but Sensible Human Arlene steps in, telling her that yes, sweetheart, he left you. Men, right? Ice cream? It’s Death By Chocolate!

Sookie hauls herself to work for once and passes a potential love interest strange man in the bayou groaning. “Not today. I have a real job,” Sookie hilariously tells herself before giving in and checking on the man. The thing is, no one on this show ever just has a stomach ache, so I honestly can understand her logic that a groaning or wounded man on the side of the street is certain to be a supernatural entity that will probably look amazing with his shirt off and that’s just not the distraction she needs right now. The man says a vampire attached her, but she hears his thoughts that it was for his blood. Sookie asks him telepathically if he’s a faerie, to which he responds that he’s a halfblood, like her. She drags him back home (Again, Sookie gets out of going to work. How does she afford her house?) as he tells her that she reminds him of the first girl he ever fell in love with, but she's nicer.

There's only so much Meet Cute FLOTUS can take.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene seats a collection of cool kids who have arrived to be ironic in places you’ve never heard of. One wants to know if the food is organic. “This is Bon Temps,” Arlene tells them. “Around here, that means you play the piano in church.” Meanwhile, Sam checks in with Lafeyette who is watching little Whatshername by allowing her to play dress up tea party with him.

Whatshername literally could not have picked a better person in Bon Temps for this job. 

One of the hipsters asks for Sam by name, saying she knows he’s a shifter and she’d like to start a dialogue between humans and supernaturals and she knows he’s been targeted by hate groups. The girl, Nicole, is the founder of the Vampire Unity Society and she wants Sam to “come out” and tell his story to the world because politicians are forcing them to stay hidden. She’s basically like a one-woman ACT UP intern who’s probably just graduated from Berkley and wants to live in an environmentally friendly co-op and refer to people as “the Movement.” Nicole admits that her mixed-race grandparents were Freedom Riders and, once again, True Blood does not miss an opportunity to tell us how much it thinks subtlety is a thing for pansies.

At Bill’s, the delivery service has arrived. Delivery is a platinum blonde woman named Veronica who works for a service called “Human Edibles” (Honest tagling: “We’re Tasty!”). I honestly really like this idea – they’re basically prostitutes for vampires who need blood instead of sex. Now I’m honestly wondering if the folk who work for this service are viewed differently from other prostitutes in this reality. Leave it to me to think of the socio-political implications of an easily telegraphed joke. I’m here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway,  Veronica isn’t exactly tickled by letting Bill, who is unresponsive, feed off her and tries to leave when her body begins to contort suddenly and she’s pulled back in front of Bill. Veronica begins to hemorrhage from her mouth, the blood pouring out from her and floating directly into Bill’s until she’s nothing more than a husk.  

Sookie is nursing the latest mysteriously attractive man (this one’s named Ben) to pass out on her couch when she notices that touching him causes her faerie light powers to act up. She confesses that she has wanted to get rid of her light, wishing to be normal. He agrees and offers folksy wisdom about things not turning out how we want before getting up to leave. Sookie tells him about the faerie sanctuary near town where he may be able to be safe.

Speaking of which, Andy Bellfleur is bringing his rapidly aging quintuplets to the field where the sanctuary is yelling for Mirella, the mother, to take them back. Given that he’s yelling this in front of his kids and the girls are still giddily running literal circles around him without feeling at least a little hurt by their father’s intense desire to be rid of them, faeries must have a pathological inability to recognize reality.

Jason has brought Grandpa to Sookie’s house to show her where Warlow attempted to break into our world in Sookie’s bathroom at the end of last season. Grandpa finds the portal and leaps through it to see if Warlow succeeded, returning seconds later covered in slime. “Well, that was worse than I thought,” he deadpans.

Ben walks with Sookie to the Faerie Field, dropping like his twentieth hint that he’s had something really bad in his past, but Sookie’s not picking up on it. See above, re: faeries and their inability to recognize things. Sookie is more interested in dissuading Ben from any kind of romantic interest. “I shouldn’t be taking walks with handsome strangers,” she tells him. “That never ends well.” Ben overhears Sookie’s thoughts about Bill and asks about him. Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh Sookie? She demurs but tells Ben how to find the faerie sanctuary.

 "The fact that you're telling me up front about your supernatural abilities is frankly 80% of the attraction."

Nora is scouring the Vampire Bible for references to Lilith and Bill. Pam snarks her, as is Pam’s wont, but Nora realizes that a passage may have been mistranslated and wants to investigate. Nora tells Pam that Eric loves her and is proud of her and the reason he never told her about Nora is because it would have put Pam in danger if the Authority connected the three of them.

At the Governor’s mansion, aides are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out this vampire thing. Again, possibly they shouldn’t be doing this at night, but whatevs. The Governor’s daughter, recent Tulane grad, wants to go out drinking with the staff rather than stay at work, but Gov says no. She instead sees in the Gov’s next appointment, which happens to be Eric, who has put on nerd glasses and a bad haircut and is pretending to be human from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

"Golly, Miss Lane - I don't know how it is that I keep just missing Superman."

Eric chats up the Gov, applauding his vision on the vampire front after the Gov tells him about a vampire attack on a Chuck E Cheese. (Me: heh. Awesome.) Eric carries on a double-entrendre laden conversation about how the Whooping Crane is just trying to survive and that maybe the Gov shouldn’t make things worse for them because a Whooping Crane will rip your fucking throat out while you sleep. Oops, a step too far, Eric. Eric attempts to glamour the Gov into reversing his course of action, informing him that he now loves all vampires, but it MASSIVELY doesn’t work thanks to the Gov’s special contact lenses that protect him. The humans have more than just the silver-UV bullets up their sleeves, apparently. The Gov thanks Eric for gift-wrapping the political excuses he needs to look like a hero to the state and orders Eric taken to “the camp.” He’s marched outside before being all “hell with this” and flying away before the guards can do anything.

Sookie arrives home to find Jason who introduces her to Grandpa, saying he’s hunting down Warlow, just like Boba Fett. Grandpa assures Jason he’s not from “outer space” like Jason thinks but that Warlow has definitely made it into this reality. Apparently Sookie’s actions last season with the faeries created the energies that have let Warlow get through. Grandpa tells them that Warlow has been obsessed with the Stackhouse family for years because they are the original Fey and in fact, Grandpa is the King of their tribe. Jason brightens: “That means Sookie is a Faerie Princess and I’m a Faerie Prince!” he exclaims. “The gene skipped you,” Grandpa says. Wah-wah. Anyway, backstory time: Warlow massacred Grandpa’s entire village when he was a child, killing everyone but him. Grandpa tracked Warlow, but not before Warlow showed himself to one of Grandpa’s sons, John Stackhouse, who signed the fearie pact with Warlow to give him Sookie. The night Warlow came for Sookie and killed her parents on the bridge, Claudine (their Faerie Grandmother) managed to send Warlow into another existence before he could get to Sookie. Grandpa tells Sookie they have a unique ability among the fey – they can channel their light into essentially a supernova in a glowy ball that will kill any vampire nearby. Because Sookie is only half-fey, she can only do this once and after it’s done, she’ll no longer be a faerie.  

But if you clap your hands three times and say "I do believe in fairies!" nothing will happen and you just look like an idiot.

Sam arrives home to find Lafeyette has already put Whatshername (turns out it’s Emma) to bed and is now watching reality TV. Alcide, Luna’s grandmother (Martha) and some other wolves show up looking for her and Sam has to tell them that Luna is dead. Alcide says the feds will be investigating Luna’s stunt on TV, looking for all shifters and werewolves sooner or later and that Sam may not be able to hide for long. Martha insists that Emma come with them, grabbing her when Emma rushes outside looking for Sam. The predictable fight ensues, all the while being witnessed by the Vampire Unity group.

In her room, The Governor’s daughter removes her special contacts to go to sleep when Eric Draculas up to her window and glamours her into inviting him in. It took six seasons, but we finally got the “Vampire at the Window Next to the Willowy Virgin in the Nightgown” scene.

 "My father's secret defense, all undone by my discomfort with dry eyes!"

At Bill’s, Jessica has cleaned up what’s left of Veronica while Bill is still catatonic in his chair. Trying to reach him, Jessica reminds him that if he can feel the pain of all vampires, he should be able to feel how scared she is right now. Jessica confesses she doesn’t know which Bible is real, having been force fed the traditional version by her father as a repressed human girl and now the vampire one by the Authority, but she’s starting to wonder if Bill is God, kneeling to pray before him and confessing her sins and asking Him to bless her friends, including Hoyt, wherever he is. (Cue audience sob at the Hoyt reference, remembering that breakup scene.) Finally, she asks God to bring Bill back to her. Internally, Lilith tells Bill that he must save them all, forcing Bill awake. As he comes to, the television turns on to news of the vampire lynching that Bill saw earlier, along with the news that the Governor has announced that vampires have no rights, so violence against them is not illegal. Jessica realizes that Bill can see the future just as Bill has a vision of a room full of vampires, including Jessica, Tara, Pam and Eric, being executed in a room that is opened to the sun.