Save the Cheerleader Save the Whaaaat?! Heroes Reborn comes to NBC in 2015!

When I began to hear whisperings about some kind of return for the departed show, Heroes, I knew right where to go for the full scoop. My friend Priya, who has an amazing blog called This Is What Comes Next, was a Heroes fan back in the day and was kind enough to provide TV Sluts with her thoughts regarding the return of the show. Personally, I didn't think there was big outcry from the viewing public for more Heroes, but whatever, NBC. Desperate times, I suppose.

I have a routine. Where most people start the day with the New York Times or the Washington Post, I always kick things off scanning the headlines to Entertainment Weekly. So of course when this came across my twitter feed yesterday I did a double take.

"Heroes Reborn."

My first thought: Really? Have we officially run out of good ideas?

My Second Thought: But it started out so well. Five years later can it be better?

And then, again. Is this really necessary?

The answer of course, is no. Jeff Jensen covers most of the bases in this EW.come article, but here are my two cents.

Heroes was one of those shows that had so much potential and so many great characters. Horn-Rimmed Glasses Guy, Hiro Nakamura, Mohinder and the cockroaches, the Haitian! I mean seriously it started with a bang (and with a relatively diverse cast) and then ended season one with this bizarre flat, budget strapped sad climax. I wanted so much more this show and can't actually pinpoint the moment where I gave up -- though I know I stuck around a lot longer than most.

There were too many characters, too many subplots and nothing ever came together in the way we all wanted it to.

This is the show that gave us Hayden Panettiere (who is awesome on Nashville) and Zachary Quinto (New Spock!) and for that I will be grudgingly grateful. But I'm not sure I'll be willing to go back. NBC is going to have to do a hard sell --and in a world where we have Arrow, Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (though its future is questionable) and other examples of tight storytelling for super heroes I'm not sure I need to go back.

For your information, Heroes: Reborn is only a 13 episode miniseries. So who knows, maybe Peter Petrelli (or whatever version that shows up) can save the world once more....but for the love of all that is important in the land of television lay off the time travel.

Want to know who from the original cast might be back? Look at this cast picture and see who hasn't worked in a while. Chances are they'll be in the new episodes.

Putin on the Ritz

Well, you can't blame them for trying. It seems the networks have seen the success of Showtime's Homeland (and it's multiple Emmy wins) and now television series about US intelligence agencies are breaking out all over.

It's January so it's time for midseason premieres! In the Fall, the networks all tout their shows as the next big thing, but in reality they know most of those new shows are going to fail. There's always a back up plan and the networks have a bunch of new series waiting in the wings to take the empty time slots. This means that January is chock full of premieres, so let's get going on some of these reviews, shall we?

First up, The Assets!

I wasn't wowed by this one, and apparently most of America wasn't either. The first episode of this eight part miniseries debuted with the lowest rating in the key demo (a 0.7 among 18-49 year olds) of any drama to air on the big four networks. The lowest rating EVER. That's pretty impressive. No word yet on Putin's reaction to the series. 

Here's a basic plot summary from ABC:

The Assets is an eight-part miniseries based on the real life events of CIA counter-intelligence officer Sandy Grimes (Jodie Whittaker). 1985 serves as the backdrop to the final showdown of the Cold War when Sandy and her partner Jeanne Vertefeuille (Harriet Walter) vowed to find the mole that would turn out to be the most notorious traitor in US History, Aldrich Ames (Paul Rhys). Sandy is in a race against time to save the Soviet intelligence officers from being caught and killed. Living her own double life at home, this beautiful wife and mother vowed to stop at nothing until she uncovered the truth. The Assets will look inside the true, personal stories of the conclusion of the Cold War as told by the keepers of the nation’s secrets: the CIA.

It's basically Homeland set in 1980s. So instead of Middle Eastern terrorists, it's Russians. And the main blonde agent is kinda boring. And not crazy. And doesn't make goofy faces when she cries.

This is like 70% of the reason why I watch Homeland. The other 30% is hoping that Mandy Patinkin will sing.

I didn't hate it; the show had a lot of stuff going for it. The espionage stuff is all pretty neat, and there were some tense scenes of spy vs. spy shenanigans involving the CIA and the KGB. I also liked that the Russians weren't made to look like buffoons--they pose a genuine threat and out-maneuver the CIA at every turn in the first episode. It's also clear by the end of the first episode who the mole in the organization is.  Since it's a matter of public record now, keeping it secret would have been kind of silly. After 30 years, the cat is out of the bag.

There are some problems though. There was a lot of "huhs?" going on in the living room of my Dad's house for the first half of the episode. There's a difference between trusting the intelligence of your audience and being purposefully cagey. I guess they were hoping there would be a big "aha!" moment at the end when the pieces come together, but I wonder how many people actually made it that far.

In the end, I'll most likely keep watching, but if the pace doesn't pick up in the second episode or the characters don't become more engaging, I'm out.

The Assets airs Thursdays at 10:00 pm EST on ABC. You can view episodes online at the ABC website.

Second show: Intelligence!

It's kind of ballsy to name your show Intelligence. Especially if the underlying concept is kind of silly and completely derivative.

These two have seen it all before. And really so have you.

Hit it, promo monkeys!

In Intelligence, Josh Holloway stars as Gabriel Vaughn, a high-tech intelligence operative enhanced with a super-computer microchip in his brain. With this implant, Gabriel is the first human ever to be connected directly into the global information grid. He can hack into any data center and access key intel in the fight to protect the United States from its enemies. Marg Helgenberger stars as Lillian Strand, the director of the US Cyber Command who supports Gabriel and oversees the unit's missions. She assigns Riley Neal (Meghan Ory), a Secret Service agent, to protect Gabriel from outside threats, as well as from his appetite for reckless, unpredictable behavior and disregard for protocol.

Sound familiar? If you're a fan of NBC's Chuck, it should. Ok, so Josh Holloway's character isn't playing geeky 30 something....he's more of an ex-Delta Force superhuman crime-fighting machine. But still.

Intelligence is basically a standard CBS procedural masquerading as something more. They want it to be new! and exciting! But don't be fooled. Instead of a crime lab or whatever, it's the US Cyber Command (say what?). Sure, the first episode looked great--but almost every drama premiering on the networks these days looks good. I will admit that it had some great action sequences and fight scenes though, but nothing else about it really connected with me.

What you have here is last night's leftovers dressed up in some fancy packaging in an effort to make it more appetizing. And I count Josh Holloway among the wrapping. He's a looker alright, but still playing his usual wise-cracking tough guy character. Unlike Sawyer though, Gabriel has a quest! He needs to find his missing wife whom everyone is convinced was a traitor against America and died years ago. But he will never give up hope. Or something.

One more quibble. Other than a few Asian bad guys, everyone in this show is white. This was a HUGE problem for me, and rankled me throughout the pilot episode. In this day and age, it is basically inexcusable to have an ensemble show without any minorities. Get your shit together, CBS.

Oh, look! A show full of blandly attractive white people. SHOCKER.

Bottom line: unless you are hankering for another US agency procedural (this time dressed up with some admittedly awesome action scenes), skip it. Go watch SHIELD; while that show isn't perfect, at least has a sense of fun and some interesting ideas.

Intelligence airs Mondays at 10:00 EST on CBS.

Parade's End

I tried with the one, you guys, I really did. After all, it looks good on paper. A British Edwardian era costume drama (hello, Downton Abbey), Benedict Cumberbatch as the romantic lead, beautiful costumes and lush locales....

But oh my lord, this show is boring.

Benedict Cumberbatch is Christopher Tietjens, a brilliant but stodgy government statistician who is marrying Sylvia, a selfish and slutty socialite. The reason for the marriage isn't entirely clear--Sylvia is pregnant and not necessarily with Christopher's kid, but apparently they had a quickie in a train on the day they met so he's doing the honorable thing. Despite the fact that they clearly hate one another's guts.

Actually, the entire first hour is just Christopher being honorable and Sylvia being slutty.

"Hmm...what's on the schedule for today...oh, destroy one another's happiness. Same as yesterday then."

Basically, they both despise one other and Sylvia runs around on Christopher the entire time they are married,but he thinks divorcing her would be ungentlemanly. But then he falls in love with Valentine, a feisty suffragette. That's as far as I got (through the first hour of the five hour miniseries) before calling it quits. 

Cumberbatch could charm the pants off a rock, but Christopher is so dull and drippy that it's hard to root for him. I would get on Team Sylvia, but she's so whiny and sociopathic that even her flouting of Edwardian social norms isn't enough to get me on her side. The only one who seems to have any personality is Valentine, but I don't think I can take her pining for Christopher for 4 hours.

According to the BBC 2 website (the show airs here in the Colonies on HBO), Christopher gets sent off to the trenches in WWI so I am sure there is a lot of letter-writing and long looks towards the horizon coming in the later episodes. There's also a lot of "the times they are a-changing" type of discussions, but honestly, haven't we covered this ground before?

I am sure there is a market for these kind of slow-moving character-driven dramas, but I'll take the soap opera plots of Downton Abbey any day. I also prefer my costume dramas with a happy ending (ala Pride and Prejudice) and I honestly don't see how Parade's End is going to end well for any of these characters. But since they're all kind of miserable human beings, I just can't bring myself to care.

To make up for not liking the show, please enjoy this picture of Benedict Cumberbatch in a fetching hat, gazing soulfully into the distance. 

Have you met my friend, Ted?

What happened to How I Met Your Mother?

Seriously, you guys. I watched the first two seasons of the show and was pretty entertained. At that time anything with Neil Patrick Harris, Jason Segel, and Alyson Hannigan was a pretty safe bet. I admit to being charmed by Ted (played by...oh really, who cares) and Robin Sparkles was kind of the funniest thing ever. Let's go to the mall, indeed.

Those were the good old days.

But then more and more new shows started and HIMYM was sacrificed on the alter of time management. There were just too many shows airing and an old fashioned style sitcom wasn't high on the list of my priorities. So I took about a...oh, five year break from the show.

Last week I traveled to Los Angeles to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and adorable one year old nephew. With a baby in the house, there's not a lot of time for tv watching, so my brother and SIL only get in about one hour per day after the baby has hit the hay. My brother has remained a steadfast HIMYM fan, so we settled in to watch the most recent two episodes.

And you guys. It was TERRIBLE. The jokes were flat, the acting was stilted, and even NPH couldn't save it. Even the usually reliable Alyson Hannigan was...just bad. I mean, I can't explain it! I remembered the show being adorable with likeable characters, but this was just bland and flat and like watching any other badly written sitcom from the last five years.

Can anybody explain to me what happened? I've heard rumblings that people were getting tired of the core "who is the mother?" mystery dragging on and on and I can understand that. But did everyone involved with the show just get really lazy and start phoning it in?

What happened?

But I think the way to fix this is just to make a Robin Sparkles spin-off prequel. I would watch the SHIT out of that.

YES.

Dance Moms Are Evil

When I was younger, my parents were supportive of my extracurricular activities... as long as they didn't interfere with school. Sometimes that was frustrating, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I often wished that my parents were the dedicated, band booster, forensics coach, dance mom types. 

Dear little Sri - count your freaking blessings.

The most terrifying thing on television.

The Dance Moms on Lifetime make the women on Toddlers and Tiaras look like Carol Brady. They fight like cats in a sack, jockeying for position while trying to seem like they're above such petty concerns. What's worse is they hide behind their children, swearing up one side and down the other, "I'm just doing what's best for my daughter."

The hell did you just say?

It doesn't start or stop with the moms, however. The dance coach of the company, Abby, is a vindictive horror. She never hesitates to set her students against their mothers, each others, and themselves. Once, she told a 10-year old girl who lost first place by one point that what she did was: "Great. But not good enough."

To add another level of wrongness, there is a fierce competition between the two dance companies - Abby Lee and Candy Apple. I took dance when I was a kid, and my dance teachers were kind women who emphasized learning and fun. By contrast, to call the coaches at Abby Lee and Candy Apple "harpies" would be an insult to the winged monster community.

The final twist of the knife is the earnestness and innocence of the dancers themselves. You can tell by the wide-eyed looks on their overly made-up faces that they are but pawns in these women's sickening game. I realize that I'm usually much kinder in my reviews, even to other reality TV shows, but honestly.... these Dance Moms need to be stopped.

Run, girls. RUN!

Hate-Watching With Zoey Grace

My Good People! Say "Hello" to our newest guest-blogger, Zoey Grace! For her first post, she gives us a rumination on her own personal form of television schadenfreude. 

 

I am a TV person.  While most people allocate valuable brain space to their jobs and families, more space in my brain than I’d like to admit is dedicated to Lost trivia (seriously, ask me who Horace Goodspeed is), the comfort food that is the first four seasons of The West Wing, the brilliance of The Wire, and psychoanalysis of Don Draper (I am on Team Megan, in case you were wondering).

So, every new TV season I pick out the shows that could fill the hole that was left when Lost and other shows went off the air.  I follow the Upfronts and wait impatiently for the release of advance trailers.  I go through each night’s new lineup and pick the shows that are worth space on my tivo and which ones I have to watch live (Yes, I still watch Grey’s Anatomy live.  Deal with it.) 

Some shows, however, I don’t watch because I love them.  They drive me insane – I yell at the TV, roll my eyes, and even fast forward through scenes that are so ridiculous that I simply can’t watch.

But I still watch these shows.  Faithfully.  Every week.  This, my friends, is hate-watching.

Until May I did this with Smash, a show on NBC that seemed to be written especially for me (Showtunes! Catty actor drama! Authentic Broadway stars!), but ended up grating on my last nerve. 

My newest example is The Newsroom, Aaron Sorkin’s new show on HBO.  I absolutely love Aaron Sorkin.  I have memorized whole episodes of The West Wing.  I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I want him to script my life with a few walk-and-talks, fast moving intelligent romantic comedy banter, and inspirational speeches that give me the warm and fuzzies.

But - the Newsroom just drives me batty.  First of all, women are given short-shrift.  While relatively likeable, the two main female characters are overtly accident prone and a little daffy - I come away wondering how on earth McKenzie (the Executive Producer of the news show) has become so successful considering that she can’t even master email, nonetheless how such a clumsy person survived as a hard boiled war correspondent.  It’s not that Sorkin doesn’t know how to write strong women who aren’t more “relatable” than they are kick-ass, whose awesomeness isn’t described in dialogue but demonstrated on the screen.  Where is CJ?  Where is Dana?  Plus, for some reason blond women are summarily dismissed as unintelligent at every turn (I’m not kidding, this happened three separate times). 

Amazing, competent women being relatable by not understanding "technology". Beautiful women, they're just like us!

In contrast, the men are stable and rational.  It also bears mentioning that non-white men are explicitly categorized in dialogue – Neil is the Indian IT guy, Gary is the “smart black guy,” etc.  Plus, I wish the dad from I’ll Fly Away would stop being genially drunk and (non-threateningly) threatening to punch people.  It’s freaking me out.

However, I can’t stop watching it.  I’m rooting for it to work out the kinks.  It’s vintage Sorkin.  In some, not all, scenes the writing is inspirational.  The budding romance between Jim and Maggie is cute and engaging when the dialogue isn’t jarring and shrill.  I agree with Newsroom’s commentary on the news today  - if one side says the sky is green and the other says it’s blue, that doesn’t mean the answer is somewhere in the middle.  The writing makes me feel like I’m on the right team.  I respect the premise, and despite my misgivings I’ll watch again this Sunday, too.

Sigh.  You see my dilemma. 

What about you?  What shows do you hate-watch?

*Postscript to Aaron Sorkin – Although I know you are not especially fond of those who criticize you on blogs, internet girls in particular, don’t forget that I’m a huge fan.  And, as Toby said to Will in The West Wing Season 4 episode Arctic Radar: “You don't mind constructive criticism, do you?”