Criminals Are a Superstitious, Foreshadowing Lot

I’m going to get this out of the way right at the beginning:  I’m a huge Batman fan, but I hate seeing his origin story.  The reason is because I’ve seen it so. Many. Damn. Times.  And now, come to your television and mine, is Gotham; yet another origin story for Batman.  And as the TV Sluts most dedicated comic book nerd, I’m here to break it down for you.  Fair warning: I’m getting Bat-nerdy ALL OVER THIS MOFO.  I won’t feel badly if you need to turn back now.

I"m so desensitized to this image that for all I know, this could be from Modern Family.

The saving grace of this take on Batman’s origin is that it is told through the eyes of a young Lt. James Gordon, the man who will one day become Gotham City’s famous Commissioner of Police.  As we see how Gordon will eventually become the paragon of law and order, the show is promising to focus more on the development of the various rogues and ne’er-do-wells that will eventually becomes Batman’s famous villains than on the Dark Knight himself.  As such, it’s sort of Batman without the Batman, though a young Bruce Wayne is a regular character.

The first episode sets the stage for us with a variety of characters good, bad, and ambivalent react to the shocking murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne, the wealthiest couple in the city and, obviously, parents to young Bruce.  We see the reaction to the crime from the three different factions of people Gotham has laid out for us: the police investigating the crime, the mob factions who see it as a potential leverage point, and the people caught up in between, most of whom have rather familiar names.

They're like the Brady Bunch.  With more secrets.  And darker clothes.  

And that’s where Gotham earns a lot of its nerd street cred right off the bat.  Seriously, you guys, there hasn’t been a finer collection of Easter Eggs in one place since the last White House Easter Egg Roll.   All the mainstays of the Batman universe are here:  Sarah Essen is Jim Gordon’s captain.  His partner is Harvey Bullock.  The CSI-guy who helps them understand the ballistics of evidence is Edward Nygma.  Bullock and Gordon, who work in Homicide, are envious and jealous of two other cops always showing them up from Major Crimes, ReneeMontoya and Crispus Allen.  And that’s just the police force.  The show opens on a teenage Selina Kyle just learning how to be a thief.  The daughter of a mob lackey is a young Poison Ivy.  Mob boss Fish Mooney’s underling is none other than Oswald Cobblepot.  Right off the bat (heh), your Batman geeks are SQUEEE-ing all over the place.

The risk for the show, then, is how to tell a major story that everyone knows, how Bruce Wayne becomes Batman, with this many characters, most of whom are the ones that are usually in the periphery.  Gotham aims to tackle that problem by running largely like a police procedural with an emphasis on the job that James Gordon has fallen into as the Last Good Man in Gotham City.  We can only presume that the deeper stories, already starting to be seeded in the pilot episode, will begin to fill in the holes that a Law & Order: Gotham would be unwilling to.

So how does it do in its first four episodes?  All told, not too bad.  Let’s start with look and feel.  Production value is high and the show looks slick.  The show gets a lot of free atmosphere simply from filming in New York rather than Los Angeles or Vancouver and as such, Gotham City looks and feels real.  New York is stylized, blending the actual architecture of a gritty city with enhanced fantastical elements to give it a more gothic feel.  The skies are always moody, the streets are always dirty.  To a comic book nerd like me, it looks very close to how Gotham City is supposed to look.  Denny O’Neil, one of the all-time greatest Batman writers who help shaped the character, once described Gotham as looking exactly like New York below 14^th street at 10 minutes past midnight on the coldest, wettest night in November.  The show has followed that lead, effectively making Gotham City a character in and of herself.

So how about the story?  Wisely, the central mystery that we’re given (who actually killed the Waynes?) is carried through the first four episodes without being overbearing.   The show is devoting much more time to showing how corrupt Gotham City is and what it means to try to keep this city, built on a precarious system of checks and balances between the warring crime families, the police, and the emerging underclass of citizens who are taking matters into their own hands, from falling into chaos.  The writing itself is, for the most part, good while obviously trying to find its pace and hit its stride, a common issue for new shows.  Some truly clunky dialogue in the first episode is thankfully significantly improved by the third, which gives me a lot of confidence for the rest of the season.  (Though for the sake of full disclosure, I would watch this show no matter what just because of the topic.  I’m a sucker.)   

This course of action is not uncalled for in my case. 

The performances vary from middling to fascinating.  Donal Logue’s Harvey Bullock and Robin Lord Taylor’s Oswald Cobblepot in particular steal just about every scene they’re in.  Taylor lets his proto-Penguin be sleazy and slimy while at the same time making you want to know more about this kid who is so clearly set on a bad path.   By episode four, Oswald has already started to become a minor player in the nascent gang war that has started to erupt since the death of the Waynes.  Likewise, Logue nails Harvey Bullock as the cop who is just going along to get along in a city as corrupt as Gotham is, despite the fact that underneath it all he really wishes he could make a difference.   The actor having the most fun with a role, however, is clearly Jada Pinkett Smith, cast as a mid-level mob boss named Fish Moody who nominally is in service to Carmine Falcone, the head of the most powerful mob family in Gotham, but scheming to improve her own station.  Watching Jada Pinkett Smith as she Eartha Kitts al over her scenes is legitimately fun.   And while Ben McKenzie is solid as James Gordon, it’s hard to get too creative with a hero character who has to carry all the action.  His best scenes so far have been playing off young Selina Kyle, cast here as a street orphan who’s ridiculously talented at getting by on her own.  (Selina is perhaps the character that the writers have nailed most solidly.  Every line she has absolutely sounds like something the 13-year-old version of Catwoman would say.)

"Purrrrrfect?"

That kind of devotion to the comics without being hemmed in by them is part of what makes Gotham so enjoyable for me.  The writers are playing with any number of nerdy references: Gordon and his Fiancé, Barbara, live in a curiously lavish penthouse apartment with the main feature being a huge clockface that doubles as a window.  Comic readers know that this couple’s future daughter, who becomes Batgirl, is frequently drawn in her own high-tech apartment in a prominent clocktower somewhere in Gotham.  Episode four revolves around a development deal to bring back the abandoned Arkham Asylum.  (A map showing the neighborhood even refers to the area as “Arkham City.")  Characters meet at the corner of Fourth and Grundy.  The dancers at Fish Moody’s night club are dressed curiously as harlequins.   There's even a struggling comedian who auditions at the same club.  (The producers have stated that they will tease exactly who becomes the Joker over time, and likely ambiguously owing to the ambiguous nature of the character's origins in the comics.)  

A Batman TV show has been something of the Holy Grail for both networks and Warner Brothers for some time.  For as popular as the character is, there are a dozen reasons why the last time Batman was on live action television, he was played by Adam West.  And while Gotham bears no resemblance at all to the 1960s Batman, fans of the Bat universe will be more than pleased to see it brought to them each week.  Whether or not it can win over more casual viewers is now the question.

Gotham airs Monday nights at 8pm on Fox.

Warmed Over Leftovers, Anyone?

This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends.  This is the way the world ends; Not with a bang, but with cryptic mysteries, several cults, and a bunch of dog murders.  Or, at least, that’s how HBO’s new series The Leftovers would have us believe it will go.  Allow me to explain with mild spoilers for just the first episode.

The end of the world will be shadowed dramatically. 

The Leftovers begins with a Rapture-like event on October 14 of some nameless roughly modern year whereby 2% of the world’s population, from babies to old women, suddenly vanish, clothing and all. Three years later, the small town of Mapleton, NY, is planning their “Heroes Day” remembrance parade to commemorate the missing and Police Chief Kevin Garvey (Justin Theroux) is concerned that a group called the Guilty Remnants, one of the many nascent cults that have sprung up since The Disappearance, will make problems at the event.  Kevin’s teenage daughter Jill (Margaret Quailey) is both despondent about her shattered family and wrestling with her own teenage demons while her brother, Tom (Chris Zylka), is estranged from his family and working for a charismatic cult leader who claims to be able to heal people.

The Guilty Remnants, meanwhile, are indeed planning a silent but antagonistic protest of the parade.  The GRs are notable for wearing all while, never speaking, and being required to always smoke a cigarette.  I know.  Weird.  But, you know.  Cult.  Regardless, despite being led to believe that the Garvey family was shattered by the disappearance of Mrs. Garvey, we learn that she is actually very much appeared but is a key member of the GRs and actively working to recruit a new member in Meg Abbot (Liv Tyler), a woman about to be married but for some reason not terribly excited about that prospect.  The four family members form our core characters and the myriad others radiate from their hub.

Just your average Chief of Police, chief-ing away.

So what we have is a thinly disguised interpersonal drama set against the backdrop of a fantasy story wherein something extremely mysterious has happened and lots of people with interweaving backstories connect.  If you’re thinking that this maybe sounds a lot like something else that you’ve seen recently there’s a reason: the show is the product of Damon Lindelof, the former Executive Producer and head writer of Lost.  And boy oh boy, does it ever show.

The Leftovers layers on the mysteries.  What was The Disappearance?  We don’t know, but we’re told that it emphatically was probably not actually the Rapture, or else how else to explain how it is that in addition to all the sinless and blameless babies that Disappeared along with them went a fair share of jerks, scumbags, moral miscreants and other general bad people.  (A news program runs a humorous “In Memoriam” segment of the famous who Disappeared including Pope Benedict, Condoleezza Rice, Solomon Rushdie,  Jennifer Lopez, and Gary Busey.)   Why does the religious healer receive visions that tell him “the Grace Period is over”?  Why does Garvey have disturbing dreams about animals embedding themselves into his car?  And what’s up with the pack of dogs that supposedly went feral and now live in the woods and why is a man with a massive speech impediment trying to hunt them all down and shoot them?  “You can’t just shoot our dogs,” Garvey tells the man upon seeing him go after a pack of the dogs that seem to appear out of nowhere.  “They’re not our dogs,” the man mumbles cryptically.  “Not anymore.”

All of this adds up to a show with a fair amount of potential, especially given that this is HBO which is far more willing to let its shows be experimental and intense than national networks are.  And the first episode does a good job establishing the world and teasing out the key questions of the series as well as making us if not care about the main characters, at least have more than a passing interest in seeing what happens to them.  The big problem will always remain Damon Lindelof himself.

"We're going to have to have everything not-explained to us by Allison Janney, aren't we?"

Lindelof really, really wants to write smart, provocative shows that use fantastical and supernatural elements to tell very relatable human stories.  That’s a fine goal, but the problem is that he tends to trip over his own shoes when he attempts to meet it.  He wants us, the viewers, to be more interested in the characters he creates than the mystery that brings them together.  That’s absolutely what should happen, but unfortunately the man has a history of succumbing to a need to add complexity upon complexity for no reason other than to make the story interesting or cool.  Lost collapsed under its own bloated weight for this exact reason.  To put it simply, you can make a show about a big supernatural event and then tell the audience not to care about that event.  Characters and interactions will always trump plot when creating a TV show, but you can’t expect people not to want to know about the thing that was the show’s pitch to begin with.

I’m watching The Leftovers for now, mostly just to see if Lindelof and the other writers have achieved a sense of maturity about how they write fantasy and sci-fi.  If they can avoid the strawman arguments that Lindelof tends to set up in his own writing by having one character argue religion and another argue science as if that were a debate that had never happened before, they’ve got the kernel of a good story here.  If, on the other hand, a smoke monster shows up at any point, I’m out.

Days of FuturePast: The Hour and The Bletchley Circle

So, with it being Memorial Day and all, I thought I'd take a televised road trip with ya'll and highlight two great BBC dramas set in the post-WWII era. Since it's now the unofficial official start of summer, this may be a good time to get some shows queued up for your summer watching.

No, not that 50s. This 50s.

That one. The one where everyone had a push-up bra and smoking was sexy and cool and didn't cause a bunch of cancer. Also, no one wore black-framed glasses ironically. Oh, the good ole days. 

I have waxed philosophic about The Hour before and how it was SO GOOD and then BBC canceled it because ugh. Never fear. Our modern space age era allows us to access moving pictures and television programs at the touch of a button like never before, all thanks to humanity's ability to harness the power of nuclear energy. Well, really it's electromagnetism, but I did want to sound like one of those announcer guys from the 50s.

Plus also:

Clip art!

Okay, so. The Hour. Seriously, this show is da bomb. (See above.) I binge watched all of the episodes about a year ago, and I have been hoping since then that Netflix would make the show available on instant streaming, but it is alas still only available on DVD.  However, it is available on Amazon Instant Video. Originally airing on the States on BBC America, The Hour dramatizes a fictional BBC news and information program entitled (you guessed it), The Hour. Don't ask. It's meta.

It features Romola Garai (Atonement, Vanity Fair, Daniel Deronda) as Bel Rowley, professional news lady and producer of The Hour (the show within the show, not the show show.) Her partner in crime is her bestie bestie (and maybe boyfriend if she could only stop screwing married men), Freddie Lyon, portrayed by the adorbzabear Ben Whishaw (Bright Star, Brideshead Revisited, Skyfall). Freddie is a truth-seeking journalist and co-presenter of the hour, along with Hector Madden (Dominic West). Hector is less of a truth-seeking journalist and more of a man whore. Hector has an affair with Bel, much to the humiliation of Hector's wife, Marnie (Oona Chaplin, really, yes, that Chaplin).

Freddie is totally in love with Bel, but Bel has friendzoned him, although it's clear from their working and platonic relationship that they should be a couple. In the mean time, Freddie sets out to uncover corruption in the British Parliament and PM's office, overturning secrets that are being kept at the highest levels of the incredibly paranoid UK government. His crusading puts both his life and the survival of The Hour in jeopardy. There are spies and all types of intrigue. Also featured are Anna Chancellor (if you remember your 1995 P&P, she threw shade at Lizzie Bennett as Caroline Bingley) and Peter Capaldi as the Season 2 Head of News. (Thaaaat's where I've seen him before.)

This show is smart, sexy, well-written, and engrossing. It had a following in the US, but BBC canceled it after two seasons. :Sadface: It would be nice if someone else would pick it up and make more episodes. I won't give away too much, but Season 2 ends on a cliffhanger and it was the cast's understanding that they would be tying up the loose ends when the execs at The Beeb brought down the ax. There's no reason why BBC America couldn't take up the reins and make a few more episodes. What does a girl have to do to see Bel and Freddie get together?

Is your "I Like Ike" button tingling? Well, that means it's time to discuss The Bletchley Circle.

Now, we all know the British are known for their great muhhhhder mysteries. There is so much murder in Britain, and so many clever people to solve said murders. Bletchley features a quartet of ladies who worked as Nazi code breakers at the top secret Bletchley Park during World War II. During the post-war period, they've found themselves without much to do because if a lady gets it into her pretty little head that she has a knack for puzzles and things, well then she's really not that content to sit at home and discover new ways with Spam.

Set in 1952 and starring the always awesome Anna Maxwell Martin (Becoming Jane, Bleak House, Philomena) as  Susan Gray, a London housewife who sets things in motion when she realizes that a string of murders she has been reading about in the Times shows a distinct pattern. Not taken seriously by Scotland Yard or even by her own husband, Susan becomes convinced that she can crack the pattern's code and find the killer. She enlists the help of her old Bletchley friends, who have found life rather dull after after their time spent cracking Nazi codes on Enigma machines and whatnot. Susan's friends -- Millie (Rachel Sterling), Lucy (Sophie Rundle), and Jean (Julie Graham) -- have, like Susan, had to keep their wartime activities to themselves and so must for the most part confine themselves to 1950s gender roles.

Girl, don't even think I don't have a tire iron in my dainty handbag.

Series 1 aired on PBS Stateside in 2013 and is available on Netflix streaming. Series 2 saw the departure of Martin's character, and the introduction of a new member of the circle, Alice, portrayed by Hattie Morahan (Elinor in Sense and Sensibility, 2008), a former Bletchley worker who finds herself in trouble with the law. 

I find the Brits tend to have a good grasp on the mystery and suspense drama, and if you're looking for something with some strong female leads, I'd encourage anyone to tune in. Series 2 is available on on Amazon Prime. 

Series 2 just finished airing on PBS, but if your fallout shelter has wifi, the series is available for binge watching online.

Now with wireless internet! And in technicolor! Spamdandy!

Death and Taxes

Yeah, so, I don't know about the rest of you fine folks, but I'm still just waiting for Lady Violet to turn back into a cat and trot off down the road, get on a northbound train, and head to Hogwarts. Let's face it, that would be the most realistic thing that happened on this show.

Yes, folks. It's another season of Downton Abbey. Get ready for more of Robert making stupid decisions, doubling down on them, and then regretting them AFTER HE GETS SOMEONE KILLED. Also, there will be lots of newfangled gadgetry appearing downstairs in the kitchen. IT MIGHT BECOME SENTIENT AND ENSLAVE ALL OF YORKSHIRE, so stay tuned! There's no shortage of scheming maids coming through the pipeline. So sit yourself down to your tea and crumpets and prepare yourself to be served up some telenovela realness from our friends across the Pond.

The season premiere was highly entertaining, and gave ever more fuel to the theory Clovis has that Julian Fellowes is secretly a genius and the show really is a black comedy. We've even come up with some potential plot lines that JF could use if he only paid us in advance, plus gave us a cut of royalties.

AP: Am waiting for M to return and say he faked his death. And it was his evil Siamese twin who died.

Clovis: OMG! YES, PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN, JF!

AP: WE UNDERSTAND YOUR GENIUS, JF!

Clovis: OMG EVEN BETTER PLAN. Matthew returns with news that it was his Siamese twin who died BUT the real Matthew has since had to hide his identity and so has gotten surgery to change his face, thus allowing a new actor to play the part.THIS SHIT PRACTICALLY WRITES ITSELF!!!

Either that or Matthew will return as a ghost and there will be some full on Wuthering Heights refs. We've already got Jane Eyre subplot happening. MOAR WEAK BRONTЁ SISTER PLOT RIP-OFFS. MOAR.

Enough about our brilliance. To the Recapmobile!

Does anyone else keep thinking that that Ralph Lauren commercial is part of the show? Because I sure do.

Season 4 of Downton Abbey begins exactly where we expected it -- picking up the pieces after Matthew Crawley's death.

Thanks, Obama.

The episode -- entitled "So. Much. Facepalm." -- begins with a shadowy figure leaving Downton in the middle of the night. Said figure packs bags and leaves notes. Who is it? Is it Edith? Oh, God! Please tell me it's Edith. If I were Edith, I would have run away a long time ago. Oh, drat, no! Curses! The morning reveals that it was O'Brien. O'Brien's decamped for India to be Lady Flintcher's lady's maid. Lady Flintcher, as you will recall, is Flapper Rose's mama. You see, kids, if a downstairs cast member leaves the show, they get a free trip to India. If a family cast member leaves the show, they die in a horribly graphic manner. Cheers! Why did she have to leave in the middle of the night? Geez, what a shady ho.

Well, nobody gives tuppence about O'Brien except Lady Cora, who needs someone else to try to kill her/make her miscarry with a bar of soap/do her hair, and so she's in need of a new scheming lady's maid. Oh, dear! We will have to hire more help! Robert's mad at Rose for not telling them that O'Brien was interested in traveling, but I guess they were all a tad distracted by the heir to the estate falling out of his car. Edith offers to put an advert in The Lady, but Rose feels guilty about Cora losing her maid, so she takes it upon herself to put an advertisement in a shop window in town. Anna, meanwhile, will see to her ladyship because Mary just wants to wear black and drink gin.

Mary is, of course, in deep mourning, and is of no use to anyone, especially Little Georgie, whom she's given charge of over to Evil Nanny West. Don't worry, folks. Just because O'Brien's gone, that doesn't mean that we have run plum out of psychopathic waitstaff. Oh, dear me, my dudes. No. Evil Nanny West is straight out of Yorkshire's world-renowned Dickensian Batshittery Factory. Thomas doesn't like her. Ordinarily Thomas would pair off with a fellow sociopath, but Nanny West's evil machinations are in conflict with Thomas Barrow's evil machinations, so she must be gotten rid of posthaste!

I sense a hint of... me.

Mary is in deep mourning over Matthew's death, and she's got a really sick black kimono to match. Branson wants to involve Mary in running the estate, but Robert forbids it. Because he's right about all things all the time always. 

Robert's thinking about abandoning Branson's plan for the estate, because they have to pay death taxes on the inheritance. Branson repeats his desire for Mary to be involved because she is George's guardian, but Robert nixes the idea, reminding Branson that Mary's experiencing the worst kind of pain. Hey, Robert. Remember when Branson married your daughter and she died and it was your fault? Yeah, those were good times. Facepalm.  I guess Robert forgot.

Yes, yes. You're grieving, too. But you're a peasant.

In adorable downstairs angst news, Molesley is looking for work. As we know, he was Matthew's blundering valet, and times they may be a-changin', but when your employer dies, you're also fucked. Molesley comes to Carson to ask for work, and Carson reluctantly has to tell him that there's no work to be had at the Abbey for a valet. Molesley later goes to Isobel to ask for his old job back, and Isobel has to turn him down as well. Since she's a widow. And just eats off a tray. Because her only child died senselessly. The second adorable downstairs angst plotline is that Carson is getting mail from his former Vaudeville partner, and Mrs. Hughes finds the letter in the trash. Throw out your incriminating trash, people. 

In Edith wins news, IT'S EDITH FTW!! Cora's come around to being supportive of Edith's relationship with the parvenu Gregson (girl ain't getting any younger), and Cora tries to sway Robert, but he's still not into this intermarrying with the underclasses. He married non-titled new money (and an American to boot, good heavens!), but that's different. WORK WITH WHAT YOU GOT, HOOKER.

The pretty one's dead... The bitchy one's widowed... I've got a boyfriend. Look out, 1922!

Let's talk about Lady Isobel, the person I feel sorriest for in all of this Matthew dying business. Mary is comically unsympathetic in her grief, but I feel for Lady Isobel, I do. I really want her to overcome her grief by getting with Dr. Clarkson and saving another prostitute from the streets. I really do. 

In there's no way this could possibly end badly news, the ad that Rose posted in the shop window has been seen by none other than Edna Braithwaite, the psycho stalker maid from Season 3. Remember her? The one who tried to rape Branson? I guess the one maid who was playing suck face with Robert on Season Two was unavailable for casting. Anyhoosle. Thanks, Rose. 

Girl, you need to fire your agent.

Hold just a second, my doves. My tea is ready. 

Learning is not one of Robert's strong points, and he tells Cora he feels that he needs to be in charge of running the estate in the absence of Matthew. Since Mary only owns 1/6 of the estate, he feels her contribution is insignificant. IF ONLY MATTHEW HAD LEFT BEHIND SOME WAY OF LETTING THE FAMILY KNOW HIS WISHES. Anyway, Cora feels like Robert is trying to shut Mary out, but since Mary has no interest in anything but staring out the window, Robert wants to take matters into his own hands. Death taxes on big estates in the UK went up after the war, and so Matthew's death has left the estate in financial straits yet once more. Since Matthew's not around anymore to be someone's heir, the Crawleys are out of inherited cashola.

In adorable downstairs plot line number four, Daisy has been sent a card for Valentine's Day. She has no idea who sent it. So she assumes it must be from Alfred. Totes. 

Mary is about to dramatically fling herself down walking down the stairs and she bumps into Edith, who has a Valentine from Him. HE wants Edith to come to London to go on a DATE at a RESTAURANT in PUBLIC and display their love for all of society to see.  

Who's getting her tiara polished? This girl. Whaat whaaaat. 

Cue audience bludgeoned with Irony Stick. Edith is going to London to meet with Gregson because he wants to talk with her about the spot of bother that is his insane wife. You all remember that, right? How his wife is insane and in a mental institution but he can't divorce her? Right? That really happened on the show. For really real. In reality.

Anyway, back to Mary. Homegirl has realized that it is Valentine's Day (OF ALL DAYS) and she is ALL ALONE. If I were Edith, I'd be gloating at that bitch HARD CORE, but Edith is nice about it and tries to hide from Mary the fact that she has a serious suitor, but Mary's out of fucks to give.

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, this is not the T you need.

Did you know that Ripon has a workhouse? It's true. Remnants of the Poor Law still in full swing in the early 20s. WTG, England! Mrs. Hughes visits Carson's old Vaudeville partner, Mr. Grigg. He's been reduced to living in a workhouse, and he had reached out to Carson for help. Mrs. Hughes tells Carson she went to visit Grigg, and he's furious. Carson refuses to help because of an old feud with Grigg, and we later learn that the source of the feud was A Lady. 

Mrs. Hughes reaches out to Isobel to help Mr. Grigg. She asks Isobel to help spring Grigg from the workhouse, and requests that Isobel take in Mr. Grigg. Isobel demurs, but Hughes insists that she set aside her grief. Stiff upper lip and whatnot.

SQUEE. Edith meets with Gregson and Gregson tells her that he's done some research about other countries where you can divorce someone for lunacy, but that would require moving there permanently. He names off Greece and Germany, but he is most sold on living in sin in Germany. JACKPOT. Solid plan.

Gregson: Let's take up permanent residence in Germany so I can rid myself of my craycray wife.

Edith: There's no way that could possibly go wrong!

Lady Violet takes it upon herself to introduce Molesley to Lady Shackleton, whose butler is retiring. She brings Molesley along with her to tea at Lady Shackleton's so he can show off his valeting skillz. 

Downstairs intrigue continues. Daisy has a new electric mixer and Mrs. Patmore warns her yet once more about the Rise of the Machines and human enslavement to their robot overlords. Jimmy teases Ivy about her Valentine's Day card, and hints that he sent it. Ivy speculates that if Jimmy sent her card, then someone else must have sent Daisy's, and so Daisy is ever more convinced that it was from Alfred. There's a reaction shot of Mrs. Patmore, and Mrs. Patmore later reveals that she sent Daisy a card so she wouldn't feel left out on Valentine's Day. What every girl wants. A pity Valentine. I kinda don't get why Ivy is supposed to be "the pretty one" and Daisy is supposed to be so much less attractive, since the make-up team on DA uglies up everyone. EXCEPT THOMAS. WHO IS BEAUTIFUL But I think we can all agree that William was a stellar lad and Alfred lacks both looks and brains to boot, so I do have to question Daisy's taste. Wasn't there a whole plot with her inheriting William's father's farm? Where did that go?

Myyyyyyyy Pity Valentiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Jimmy's hitting on Ivy for realzies now, and Alfred thinks he's just trying to make Alfred jealous, but Jimmy acts like he might be honestly interested in Ivy, so maybe the speculation about Jimmy being gay is a red herring. Or maybe Jimmy's interest in Ivy is a red herring. Anyway, I need a flow chart. And a fan video set to David Gray.   MY OVARIES JUST EXPLODED. 

Branson is keen on Mary taking her part in running the estate, and so he enlists Carson's help to persuade Mary and also maybe use his influence on Robert. Robert doesn't want Mary troubled by anything, and is insisting that he alone can keep the estate running.

I think we can all agree this whole past weekend disproves climate change.

Carson tries to talk to Mary about how she MAYBE MIGHT want to consider TRYING to move on with her life since Matthew isn't coming back (still holding out hope for the zombie plotline) and she turns back into Spoiled, Horrible Mary from Season 1. I kinda miss that Mary. She tells Carson that he is stepping out of his place, reminds him he's a servant and she's Milady, and basically makes him feel twenty kinds of horrible. Carson feels betrayed because he's always had a father/daughter relationship with Mary and let's face it. He has often been a better father to her than Robert has.

Meanwhile, instead of introducing YET ANOTHER subplot, there is progress in the first downstairs intrigue subplot. Thomas has had enough of Nanny West's monkeyshines. He approaches Cora and says it's not his place and all, milady, but he was just concerned and all about the children. He tells her he's seen Nanny West leaving the children unattended, and maybe she should consider installing a nanny cam. I know Thomas is a shade-throwing troll, but at least his scheming this time serves a purpose, because Nanny West is comically evil and I spent the entire episode wishing she would just go away.

It's just a spoon full of sugar, my pretties!

In awkward dinner conversation news, Mary's just gotten done breaking Carson's heart (and we love Carson) and she goes down to dinner and Lady Violet starts nagging her about doing some effing work on the estate. After all, as the dowager points out, it will fall to Mary to run things if anything happens to Robert before George is of age.

Why is everyone on her case all of a sudden. ????? IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY. AND MATTHEW SURVIVED THE WAR ONLY TO DIE IN A STUPID CAR CRASH. !!!!! She dramatically runs out of the dinner service. Robert takes charge and tells everyone he was right all along. Mary can't deal with this right now. He asks Violet if he's right and she says, "No." BOOM.

I still don't understand what this "week-end" is.

Proving once again that she is a bad ass, Lady V goes upstairs to talk to Mary before she leaves. I will allow you all to pause your DVR to audibly squee after Lady V reminds Mary she is her grandmother and that she loves her. Squee. 

Lady Violet lays down the T. She tells Mary for the good of Little George, she has to return to the land of the living. Mary feels like she was only not a bitch when Matthew was around, and how he's dead, so she feels like there's no point. Basically, her whole deal is she thinks George and everyone else would better off without her. Violet tells her that she needs to choose between living and dying, and everyone wants her to choose living.

Okay, maybe your father might not care so much if you died, but what does he know, really?

Thus ends Hour 1 of the season premiere. Stay tuned for Hour 2, sponsored by Zevia caffeinated soda products and Lean Cuisine. 

Please Stop Saying "Uniball"

So. Have you missed your weekly dose of office intrigue since the sixth season of Mad Men ended? Folks, have I got a remedy for this particular type of summer malaise. It's called Suits and it's on the USA network, and if you haven't seen it, you need to get on board. And don't fall off said metaphorical boat. Like Pete's mom. Haha. Pete's mom. Who fell of an actual boat. Hahaha. Pete.

But I digress. Suits follows the exploits of young Mike Ross, who, while running from police a couple years ago, happened to fall -- or was, rather, pushed -- into the Harvard-grad-only-hiring law firm of Pearson Hardman. Mike, armed only with boyishly rakish good looks, charm and chutzpah, was hired by Harvey Specter, a ballsy, if somewhat dickish, attorney at the firm. 

No law degree? Criminal record? Young man, you've got yourself a job!

Long story short, one of these handsome devils is Don Draper. Not sure which. It changes every episode. 

Bestill my lady heart.

Harvey knows full well that Mike doesn't have a law degree of any kind, let alone one from Harvard, but he hires him anyway and allows Mike to practice law, allowing the firm to win case after case. Harvey lets his boss Jessica in on this fact, and Jessica also does not give a damn. If you can suspend your disbelief long enough to get into the show,  and you aren't expecting each and every one of these people to end up in federal prison, it's worth watching. If you can't, then, I mean...Come on...There's eye candy. Because I mean...

What's that you hear? Just me standing out your window and not being creepy in any way.

Oh and also:

He's so pretty, it makes me want to cry.

When we left our friends at Pearson last season, we saw no-nonsense lady attorney Jessica Pearson about to merge with British dandy Darby. There's all sorts of intrigue. At the end of last season, Jessica went behind Harvey's back, and Mike went behind Harvey's back, and Harvey went behind Jessica's back and Mike and Harvey stopped being friends and as this season opens, everyone is just pissed at each other. 

Okay, Zoe's on the show, too.

And yes, Firefly fans. That is Gina Torres as Jessica Pearson. She's traded in her spaceship pilot's license for a power suit and some bitch heels. Seriously, I love her. I love her characterization on this show. While it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Jessica is an unmarried minority female, no one mentions it or makes it into a big issue. Or an issue at all. It's almost as if...as if...as if she's equal to her white male counterparts. Like. OMG. Whouda thunk it? She's got these boys on a leash, and if one of them (*coughcoughHarveycoughcough*) plays her, tries to play or thinks about playing her, she will eventually turn the tables on them and get them right smack in the balls. RAWR. Grrr. And the whole time she stays sexy, but she has no interest in sleeping with ANY of these jerk-offs that she works with. Seriously, I love this bitch.

So, yes. Jessica's awesome.

But back to Mike.

Mike's having some personal issues during the season opener, because his erstwhile girlfriend, adorable paralegal Rachel, is mad at Mike because Mike revealed to Rachel that he's been practicing law without a degree. Then they banged in the file storage room. Up against some legal briefs. Cha-ching. You see, this is problematic for Rachel because Rachel wants desperately to get into Harvard Law, and we saw her be rejected at the end of last season. She tells Mike that if he ever wants to file her motion again, he needs to quit the firm. Mike is all ready to do that when Jessica hands him HIS OWN OFFICE as payment for siding with her against Harvey to push through the merger, and for his help with a lawsuit. Jessica, LIKE A BOSS, tells Mike that he's staying in the firm and he will be using this new office. Or. Else.

Rachel's angry with Mike for a while because he decides to hang onto his job, but then she decides what the hell and sleeps with him again. Can we blame Rachel? No. No we cannot.

We do have to give props to Rachel for feeling a modicum of anger toward Mike being total fraud. I mean, she is, after all, the only regular character on the show who displays anything resembling a realistic reaction to this information. But Mike's still getting tail out of it. So...a net win?

So, the merger with Darby goes through without too many glitches. Harvey starts to work behind Jessica's back because he felt Jessica betrayed him last season on the merger. Harvey's not happy with the merger, and makes an agreement with Darby that if Harvey wins the case that Darby assigned him to (with the help of Harvey's erstwhile lady friend, Scottie), Darby will allow Harvey to break his non-compete and end his contract. Meanwhile, Mike tries to get back into Harvey's good graces by clandestinely helping Harvey with his case. However, what Harvey REALLY wants is to take over Jessica's position as managing partner and oust Jessica in a coup. Oh, the game. She is afoot.

Suits airs at 10 p.m. Tuesdays on USA.

Love Sucks

Friends, Romans, Fangbangers – lend me your ears. The sixth season premier of HBO’s wacky vampire love story, True Blood, is this weekend and given the show’s penchant for outrageous storylines and ridiculous character decisions, I am totally going to be recapping this bitch for your reading pleasure. But what of those of you who have not seen any True Blood and are wary of jumping into recaps in year six of a show? Fear not! I’m here to give you a brief rundown on the major players and themes.

Hey - I wonder if there's a double-meaning in that...

True Blood is set in the small town of Bon Temps, Louisiana in a world where, just prior to the start of the series, vampires have revealed themselves to be real and for the most part joined civilized society. The discovery of a synthetic blood substitute called True Blood, has made feeding off humans passé since it’s now easier for vampires to just pick up a six-pack of the stuff and call it an evening than slaughter a family in their sleep and have to relocate every few years before the locals start to get suspicious. Of course, if vampires are real one has to wonder what other supernatural forces might be out there, and oh boy do we find out.

As a sidebar, even if this doesn’t sound interesting to you, you owe it to yourself to at least watch the main titles. They’re seriously amazing and have won awards for how well they are made while at the same time capturing the look and feel of the entire show. 

Go ahead and watch. I’ll wait.

But who are the characters for us to hang our narrative hats on? Roll Call! Our “hero” is Sookie Stackhouse, played by Anna Paquin at her breast-y-est. Sookie is waitress at a local diner who can read minds and occasionally demonstrates other weird abilities that are initially unexplained. Sookie gets wrapped up into all the supernatural nonsense when she begins dating Bill, a 170-year-old vampire. Sookie’s twin brother, Jason, is the town’s resident poon-hound and all around dim, but lovable, bulb, like a Louisiana version of Ryan Lochte. Tara, Sookie’s best friend is the smartass skeptical one, while Tara’s cousin, Lafayette, is the town’s resident cook and fabulous gay man. Eric is the region’s “Sheriff” (kind of like a vampire middle-manager) and with his companion, the seriously amazing Pam, he runs a vampire bondage bar, because even in this world just being a badass vampire isn’t enough to pay the bills. Rounding out the supernatural cast is Baby Vamp Jessica, werewolf Alcide and a menagerie of ethereal, yet still kind of rape-y, fairies. Yes, really. Sookie, Tara and Lafayette all work for Sam, the owner of Merlotte’s Bar, though with all their vampire/werewolf/shapeshifter/fairy shenanigans, it’s rare that all of them actually show up to their shifts at the same time or at all.

Monsters, pictured in a rare moment of lighthearted bonhomie that doesn't involve viscera.

The wide variety of characters and the frankly ridiculous plotting is part of what makes the show, for me at least, stupidly watchable. It’s a train-wreck, much in the same way that the first season of American Horror Story was, but it’s so much frickin’ fun that you can get past the insanity and just enjoy the bloody, soapy good time. The stories are melodramatic, but enjoyable. The sex is hot and plentiful. (Seriously, how did swamp trash get so good-looking?) The show doesn’t believe it’s anything more than it is – a modern day Dark Shadows, albeit one given a much more significant budget, the pedigree of Oscar-winning actors and producers and a cable network that’s very willing to allow the show to indulge its adult desires with relation to sex, drugs and violence.

And to be honest, True Blood was never a show built on restraint – the opening scene of the first episode is a man getting a handjob from his girlfriend while they’re driving because she’s bored. The show clearly believes that if there are more than two scenes that pass without someone getting splattered in blood or being naked, the writers just aren’t trying hard enough. Meanwhile the metaphors are anything but restrained; vampires are referred to as having “come out of the coffin” and conservative religious groups protest the proposed Vampire Rights Amendment with signs that say “God Hates Fangs”. Vampire bars are depicted in the same cautiously naughty light as gay bars were in the 1970s – not hidden exactly, but not a place that anyone who wasn’t “like that” went. What saves the show from being completely offensive is, actually, this over-the-top sense of drawing comparisons. Because the show isn’t hiding its comparisons of vampires as a sexual minority, it avoids the uncomfortable implication that previous movies have made that all gay people are predators and murderers. “We’re here, we’re undead, get used to it” may as well be the show’s tagline.

So where does this put us for the season six premier? Spoilers Ahead!

To recap briefly over five years, Sookie and Bill met shortly after the Great Unveiling that told the world that vampires exist and that they just want to be treated like everyone else. Things could have gone okay, even for the sleepy southern town of Bon Temps, LA, with having an “out” vampire in their town until a series of murders occurred that naturally everyone thought Bill was committing. Sookie and Bill catch the real killer (it was Jason’s utterly human co-worker) and in the process learn that Sam is a shapeshifter and that there is a vampire hierarchy that must be obeyed at all costs. Season two brings us both a maenad named Maryann who almost destroys the town with drunken debauchery (of course that’s how it would happen on this show) while a religious group called The Fellowship of the Sun forms to combat the tolerance that the world is beginning to show for vampires. Think of them as the Westboro Baptist Church, except for the fact that, as we see, not all vampires are very fluffy, so maybe they actually have a point.

Not like you need me to tell you this, but their sunny optimism clearly indicates that they're evil. 

Season three brings us werewolves for the first time along with the story of a Vampire King who rules over Louisiana and enjoys causing a particularly destructive form of mischief. The season ends with Sookie learning that her strange abilities are the result of her being part fairy. Season four sees a coven of witches setting up shop in Bon Temps, introducing magic more thoroughly into the story line and setting up the vampires and the fairies as natural enemies of each other because vampires who feed from fairies can survive in the sunlight.

Season five delved deeper into the vampire community’s social structure, giving us The Authority, a sort of Ministry of Funny Walks for vampires only with less funny walking and a lot more purified blood sacrifice. The Authority is experiencing a schism in the vampire world between vampires that want to integrate with humans and pay taxes and play with puppies without eating them afterwards and those vampires that really, really miss the eating puppy parts of life and would just like to get back to slaughtering humans like the good old days in the Middle Ages. The season ends with Bill drinking from a vial of sacred blood that supposedly comes from Lilith, the first vampire. Bill “dies” and is reborn as a naked blood-coated demi-god who turns and advances on Sookie and Eric before the two can run away.

Thus, we begin season six wondering what, exactly, is Bill now that he’s met “the true death” and been reborn as some kind of new entity? How will The Authority’s corruption spill over into the already fractured relationships between humans and vampires? Will the Fellowship of the Sun swing opinion to their side, in which case the more loveable vamps (NEVER LEAVE US, JESSICA!) could be in danger? For God’s sake, how quickly can we get to the bloody sexy times? Starting this weekend, we’ll start to see.

MOAR PAM! MOAR!!

True Blood airs starting this Sunday, June 16, on HBO.