One Last Time (We Promise) With Breaking Bad

For the past six years, Walter White has reigned as the king of television on top of his empire of meth. As of last Sunday, the king is officially dead. Whether I mean that figuratively or narratively will be revealed later (I’ll warn you when the spoilers show up), but by any definition, America’s love affair with Breaking Bad has officially reached an end point with the series finale.

No, I'm not tearing up. There's just so much smoke in here suddenly.

But I come not to bury Walter White, but to praise him. And his wife Skyler, son Walt Jr., brother in law and DEA agent Hank, and the myriad of other Rosencrantzes and Guildensterns that made up the show that has been called the best television show ever. Despite a decidedly unglamorous setting (meth labs among unattractive downtrodden people in Albuquerque, New Mexico) and a cast of people who seemed, you know, real and not like caricatures, somehow this taut, tense little show found a way to worm itself into our collective bloodstreams and leave us just as addicted as the wasteabouts we were watching each week.

Through preternaturally solid and consistent writing, precision directing that would make German auto engineers jealous and award-winning acting, Breaking Bad let us see a story that started off utterly sympathetic and turned horrific. The basic premise, that sad-sack high school chemistry teacher Walter White learns that he has terminal cancer and so decides to cook meth with a former student to raise the easy money he needs to ensure his family’s survival after he’s dead, is well known, even for those who haven’t watched the show. What was fascinating though was how much the characters that we initially believed would be the victims, like wife Skyler, turned out to be just as morally ambiguous as the character we started off with. The cheap and easy classification of this show is that it is another in a long line of anti-heroes that we love despite knowing that we shouldn’t. What made Breaking Bad different, though, was that at his core, Walter was never an anti-hero; he was a villain, right from the start. We just didn’t notice it until we, like the rest of Walter’s family and associates, were so deeply enmeshed in the chaos that we couldn’t turn away from him.

In retrospect, we all probably should have seen the writing on the wall.

It’s a testament to how well Breaking Bad did things that the episode that sounds the most dull on paper, Season 3’s “Fly” which followed Walt and Jesse through one long, interminable night stuck in their underground meth lab and unable to leave because of a delicate chemical process all the while being tormented by a single fly that’s managed to find its way into the otherwise perfectly sealed lab, seem interesting and tense. Because no one just talked about the weather in this show and every line of dialogue could be interpreted multiple ways, we as the audience sat through 45 minutes of two men chasing a fly around a lab and couldn’t stop watching because we knew that what was really going on was that Walt was carrying a secret that he couldn’t tell Jessie – namely that the previous season, he was in a position to save Jessie’s girlfriend from dying and actively chose not to, mostly to keep Jessie loyal to him. The continual ratcheting up of tension and dread, which started with a terminal cancer diagnosis for a man who just turned 50 and who’s wife is seven months pregnant, meant that learning that your life is about to end ends up seeming like light-hearted fun by season five.

And so we watched Walter build up his empire, all under the nom de plume of “Heisenberg”, the Mr. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll. Before long, it becomes clear that Walter has long since stopped making meth, and in the process becoming one of the most powerful drug lords in the southwest, just because he wants money for his family – he’s doing it because it’s the only way to get the respect and the fear that he’s long craved and never been able to claim as a low-paid, disrespected high school teacher. In the fifth season, Skyler, who has long since showed her true colors by helping Walt launder the massive piles of money that he’s acquired, brings Walter to a storage facility that she’s been forced to rent just to house the mound of money, well into the millions of dollars. “How much is enough?” she asks him. “How big does this pile have to be?”

Thus marking the first time in history a wife ever got angry with her husband for making too much money.

Walter agrees to retire, but not happily. We’re led to believe that Walter is corrupted by his experience, turning more ruthless as he amasses power, but in reality Walter was really just becoming what he always was inside. Walter White was the persona – Heisenberg was the reality. Meanwhile, just as he is out for good, his DEA agent brother-in-law finally makes the connection that the meth empire he’s been hunting for the last two years is being run by none other than his own family member, setting into motion a blitzkrieg of final episodes that bring us to the end of our story.

Spoiler-phobes, skip the next paragraph. I go back to spoiler-free mode after it.

With all this drama, then, it was odd that the series finale chose to go the way of safe television, an unconventional choice for a show that was so bound up in allowing the worst of all possible things happen to its characters. There was no ambiguous Sopranos-style ending here. As such, the episode felt like a victory lap, to use the phrase of my friend who watched it with me. The episode was almost fan-service, showing Walt outsmart everyone that he had to confront and even resorting to an almost Robert Rodriguez-level of ridiculousness involving a hidden machine gun in the trunk of a car. In the end, Walter’s family is ruined – his son hates him, his wife is broken an unemployable due to her association with him and has moved herself and her kids into a dingy basement apartment. The various drug dealers and kingpins are all dealt with, most of whom are killed outright. And in the end, we’re down to Walter and Jessie, the two who started this whole mess, staring each other down and the audience wondering which one is going to kill the other. Walt, knowing that his cancer has returned for good and that there is no survival for him now that his crimes have become public knowledge tries to manipulate Jessie one last time into killing him. Jessie, for once, is able to resist, telling Walt that if he wants to die so badly, he should kill himself and then tearing off into the night in a stolen car, weeping and broken but finally free. Walt however, unbeknownst to Jessie, has already been fatally wounded in the epic shootout that occurred moments before and makes his way over to the meth lab, appreciating the setup that produced the purest form of meth and was his signature contribution to the world. Walt collapses to the ground, dying as we always assumed he would – in his lab, just as the police finally arrive to arrest him for good, thus allowing the Scarface that we knew we shouldn’t like something like a final getaway. And a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest.

"I love you, meth bin. Never leave me."

And maybe it was because the final episode, while powerful and as satisfying as an ending to a beloved show can be, never really hit the high emotional stakes that I wanted to, but for me, the true finale was “Ozymandias”, the episode airing three weeks ago when Walt’s vast criminal empire finally comes truly tumbling down at the same time as several major characters are killed in the desert.  At the moment when Walter White finally allowed himself to rip off the mask and become the monster, the show utterly proved how fearless and rare it was. There have been “the best television show”s before and there will be “the best television show”s again. But here’s one that deserves its moniker, regardless of how monstrous or good the characters were. 

Mad Men Threeway

Yay, so Fourth of July weekend. Since I am not stuck working 11-hour days for the present moment, AND SINCE IT WILL NOT STOP EFFING RAINING, I decided that I would be able to sit down and post our first ever TV Sluts Three Way, brought to you by Mad Men and Don's complete meltdown. Seriously. Someone send me a vacay.

 Remember when Don told a room full of Hershey execs that he was raised by prostitutes? Those were good times.

Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. 

I'm sure you've all been able to have some time to process your thoughts, so here are ours.
Maggie: Hurray!

Clovis: Hey, can everyone see me?

 Maggie: Yup

 Clovis: w00t Arsenic Pie, you there?

 Maggie: Arseeeeeniiiiiic.

 Arsenic Pie: I am here. I was finishing up with a student.

 Maggie: TV Slut threeway!

 Arsenic Pie: I told her I liked Lady Gaga. And she shrieked in my ear.

 Maggie: God, ESL students take FOREVER

 Arsenic Pie: Legit shrieked. She was super stoked.

 Maggie: I mean, what? Arsenic Pie: You have no idea

 Maggie: Haha.

 Clovis: Twelve lines in and we're already inappropriate.

 Maggie: There goes my food empire, I'm a racist.

Quiet, bird. I'll deal with you later. 

 Arsenic Pie: feel like we're off to a good start.

 Maggie: Hurray! So, Arsenic Pie, I dub thee in charge, since you are the Mad Men expert du jour.

 Arsenic Pie: YAY I'M THE QUEEN. Okay, so. OMG. Where to start?

 Maggie: TRUTHTELLING and CONSEQUENCES. That was what I got out of it.

 Arsenic Pie: Holy crap. I loved how the Hershey meeting turned into Don's therapy session. I mean, let's be real. Don needs a ton of therapy.

 Maggie: It was the anti-Kodak carousel speech, right?

 Arsenic Pie: But not in the chocolate meeting!

 Maggie: Is it wrong that through that whole meeting, I just wanted a Hershey bar? Hershey is my favorite. 

Arsenic Pie: I dislike Hershey. It is too sweet.

 Clovis: Funny, I wanted a prostitute. What can you do? 

Arsenic Pie: I like dark chocolate. I'm sure that could be arranged, Clovz.

Maggie: FOCUS, TV SLUTS.

Arsenic Pie: I wonder what Aimee is up to these days. Still deflowering 14-year-old boys. With her withered old hooker hands. ANYWAY.

 Maggie: Sigh

Clovis: Well, on that (and seriously)... I was impressed that I think this is the first time in the show Don has, like, told the truth about something.

Arsenic Pie: I feel as though Don has grown. Maggie: I know! That was exactly what I was thinking!

Clovis: I mean, it's one thing for Megan to know his past. But it's totally something else for everyone else. He has grown, but that growth is showing how far down he really is.

Maggie: Other than when he told a few people about the Dick Whitman thing, but this was like honesty about FEELINGS. And then, oops, he gets canned.

Arsenic Pie: You always root for him (at least I do) because he's this horrible cad who lies and cheats his way through everything, but he always somehow manages to come out of it relatively unscathed. But OMG he felt more human and less of a tool. I felt bad for him. That scene at the end with Sally made me want to cry.

Maggie: That was so cold when that dude with Duck was like, "Going down?" Burn! The girl who plays Sally is amazing.

Clovis: HAHA IKR?

Maggie: Remember when she said she didn't know anything about him? That look she gave him at the end, when he finally revealed something about himself...perfect.

Arsenic Pie: OMG I wanted to hit Duck. Where did they dig him up, anyway? I thought they fired Duck ages ago.

Clovis: See, I'm from the school of thought that I want to see Don fall, so I kind of got some glee from watching him get effectively shit-canned.

Arsenic Pie: Oh, that girl has MAD acting skils. I felt like Don was going to fall eventually, but I thought it would be more in a lung cancer way.

Maggie: Also with the sick burn: Bert Cooper.

Clovis: Or liver failure.

Arsenic Pie: Or a heart attack. Really.

Clovis: Which might be where they're going now that Don's got the DTs before a meeting

Arsenic Pie: As a side note, I did like how Ted revealed his dad was a drunk. Ted is like almost the anti-Don.

Maggie: Ted is exactly the anti-Don Clovis: I feel like Ted is what Bobby could be if he grows up okay.  I read an article where Matthew Weiner said that explictly. 

Arsenic Pie: They should whip a goatee on Ted. Did he really? I did not see that article. Clovis: That makes sense. He's Don's foil a lot of the time. Plus they both use Peggy, but at least Ted is more honest about it. 

Maggie: http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/06/24/mad-men-finale-matthew-weiner/

Arsenic Pie: Because Ted could totally leave his wife for Peggy, but he chooses to stay with his wife. The Total Draper Move in that situation is to leave the wife.

Maggie: Except for when he lies about leaving his wife to get in her pants. I was SO MAD at him. Because I adored Ted...up until then.

Arsenic Pie: Or the Total Roger Sterling Move. I thought for a second that maybe he meant it, but when he went back to his wife I was like nah. He's not gonna leave his wife for Peggy. And poor Peggy. Man. 

Maggie: Peggy needs to get with Stan and stop being with unavailable guys. Stan was so adorable in his suit, waiting for Don. A

Arsenic Pie: It's what Peggy does. I love me some Stan. I hated Abe.

Maggie: Agreed.

Clovis: I actually thought they were going to have Peggy pull a role reversal on Ted

Maggie: His hair was bloody stupid.

Arsenic Pie: Abe was awful to her. He was so hairy and annoying. 

Maggie: I would have stabbed him MONTHS ago.

Clovis: Like, have Peggy be all "Well, thanks for the sex. Now get it. Mamma wants to sleep."

Arsenic Pie: I loved that she used a BAYONET.

Maggie: Peggy is old school.

Arsenic Pie Like who does that? Peggy Olson. Who has a bayonet? No one.

Maggie: I am going to add that to my OK Cupid profile. "Once stabbed an ex with a bayonet, because it was handy."

Arsenic Pie DO EEET I was totally expecting Peggy to be all over Ted and not kick him out. She wants a guy so, so, so bad.

Maggie: Can we talk for a moment about her amazing pant suit?

Arsenic Pie Or she thinks she does.

Clovis: I loved her line about "Well, isn't it nice for you to have decisions."

Arsenic Pie OMG HER PANTSUIT Yeah, bc she feels like she has no choice.

Clovis: YES! I was saying to AP earlier that it was cool that she was the first woman to see on the show wearing pants to the office.

Arsenic Pie: She has to be a career woman, not because she's Ms. Feminist, but because she knows she can't get married.

Mr. Shaw, you're trying to seduce me. 

 Maggie: She will have ALL the decisions now. The pant suit never lies.

 Arsenic Pie: I hope she takes Don's office. And is like, "This shit is mine."

 Clovis: I hope Don has to ask her for it back in season seven and she says no.

 Arsenic Pie: Side note: Did Ted get the office that Lane offed himself in? I think he did.

Maggie: Haha. I have a feeling though that Duck might get the office...

Arsenic Pie: Duck owes Peggy.

Maggie: I mean, it is still 1968, I don't know if we'll see a female head of creative.

Arsenic Pie: For sleeping with him.

Maggie: Oh, ew. I kept thinking about that too. Duck and Peggy. Girl has made some bad decisions. 

Arsenic Pie: I think she should sell hard for that job. She really has. She really has. I feel Duck owes her. 

Clovis: Peggy will still be reporting to Ted, according to Joan. But still, Peggy has pretty well positioned herself. Arsenic Pie Why did they ask him back? They fired his ass. Methinks Ted isn't going to interact with Peggy much.

Maggie: Do you think they will split next season between NYC and LA?

Clovis: They didn't ask him back - he was bringing in the other candidate that Roger chatted up in the Detroit airport back a few episodes ago.

Arsenic Pie: And she will end up ostensibly in charge and then unofficially in charge and then in charge. Ooohhh. Okay, I missed that part. But he'll worm his way back into their good graces.

Clovis: Oh totally. Duck is kinda slimey.

Maggie: KINDA?

Arsenic Pie: Duck is way smarmy.

Clovis: Heh. Word.

Arsenic Pie: They should have a smarm off

Clovis: Between Duck and Pete?

Arsenic Pie: Between Duck and Bob Benson. BOB

 Maggie: Whoever leaves the slicked slime trail wins.

 Arsenic Pie: BENSON

 Maggie: I love Bob!

 Arsenic Pie: GIVE IT UP FOR BOB BENSON

 Clovis: BOB BENSON WINS EVERYTHING!!!

 Arsenic Pie: How much do you love him???

 Maggie: He won a frilly apron! And is Joan's Big Gay Best Friend!

 Clovis: Seriously, I loved Bob Benson for his showing up Pete

 Maggie: Hahahah, that was amazing. I feel like he could go crazy, ala Single White Female though.

 Arsenic Pie: He totally showed him up and he's TOTALLY going to figure out Roger is Kevvy's real daddy, if he hasn't already.

Clovis: The thing about that was that Pete has never had to fight for anything in his life - everything's been handed to him and he doesn't know what it means to actually push for something. Bob clearly has those skills and has been using them for his entire career. Bob is also like the new and improved Don Draper

 Maggie: Sidenote: does the agency have ANY kind of vetting process for job applicants??

 Arsenic Pie He's Don 2.0. I don't think so, no. I mean, they hired Don.

 Maggie: : My point, that is it.

 Arsenic Pie: And Peggy got promoted for helping with one or two campaigns.

 Clovis: Maybe they should spend less time banging secretaries and more with their HR department

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, but that would take all the fun out of it. I think they just hire people they like and don't look into their resumes.

Maggie: Clearly. I need to work there. I can be Joan 2.0.

Arsenic Pie I want Don's bar.

Clovis: I'll take Roger's. He seems to have a rum thing going on.

Maggie: Well, then that's agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I want to be Scarlett, Pete's beleaguered secretary.

Maggie: When TV Sluts opens their corporate headquarters, we all know our place.

Arsenic Pie I love Roger. He's just such a rake

Maggie: I love John Slattery, the Silver Fox.

 Arsenic Pie: Like an unabashed, unapologetic rake.

 Clovis: I love how he's becoming outdated and doesn't really let it bother him.

 Arsenic Pie: John Slattery ftw.

 Clovis: Like, Don's worried about losing his mojo. Roger just figures if the ladies don't get him, that's their loss because he's such a catch.

Maggie: He could not give two shits. He has worn that same three-pieced suit style for 30 years, thank you very much.

 Arsenic Pie: This is why we love Roger.

Maggie: That's how I feel about my dating life. (NOT).

Arsenic Pie: Roger is the Honey Badger of Mad Men. Roger don't give a shit.

Clovis: I keep saying that the point of this show is which characters are going to make it through the 60s and which will be tanked. Roger is clearly going to make it, only because he doesn't care.

Maggie: I live in constant fear that Roger will have another heart attack.

Arsenic Pie: I am afraid Ted will kill someone with his plane. Like his wife.

Clovis: Heh. How convenient for Peggy!

Maggie: Or himself?

Arsenic Pie: How much did you love Ken Cosgrove getting Dick Cheneyed? Or all three?

Maggie: Up until this episode, I full on loved Ted. Now not so much. Poor Ken.

Arsenic Pie. I know. Poor Ken.

Clovis: I just want Ken to go write his novel.

Maggie: Remember when he had to give up his writing? Arsenic Pie: I thought he was dead.

Clovis: You know it's what he wants to do.

Maggie: His science fiction novel!

Arsenic Pie: It totally is, but he got married and has to support a kid. Yes!

Maggie: The scene of him tap dancing might be the best thing to ever happen on Mad Men.

Arsenic Pie: Didn't he try to write an episode of Star Trek or am I imagining things? I loved the tap dancing scene.

Clovis: I want him to get it published and then rub it in Pete's face by asking for an endorsement quote for the dust jacket.

Arsenic Pie: He should get an Emmy for that. Oh poor Ken Cosgrove.

Maggie: So, question.

Arsenic Pie: ?

Maggie: Did you all think the season ended on a hopeful note for Don?

Arsenic Pie: I think so.

Maggie: With everything else in free fall, at least he seemed to be opening up to his kids.

Arsenic Pie: He's losing all of his material stuff, but I think he might be able to connect with his kids on some level.

Clovis: I think it ended with him (almost) at rock bottom, almost becoming Dick Whitman again. Whether or not he still has more to fall, I'm not sure.

Arsenic Pie: And his relationship with Betty has improved since the hate sex.

Maggie: But remember how we felt at the end of Season 1, the hopefulness of the Kodak carousel speech? And then that obviously didn't take.

Arsenic Pie: The thing we know about Don is that he can always bounce back.

Clovis: He can bounce back because he always has the trappings of what he believes makes him the impressive man. He's now losing those things.

Maggie: Excellent point. Do you think he could pull a Dick Whitman and now and just leave it all behind and reinvent himself?

Arsenic Pie Right, but I think he has the intellect and fortitude to rise above things, even if he isn't an important Manhattan ad exec. He's done it before. It took major cahones to pretend to be Don Draper in the first place.

Clovis: I think he could, but I don't know if he will. He values himself only in how others see him. He may not be able to pull himself back together without the encouragement of his own youth.

Maggie: I honestly don't know if he would be willing to abandon his kids.

Clovis: Well, Sally maybe. The other two? Who knows?

Maggie: He has had a couple kid revelations this season, like when he took Bobby to the movies.

Clovis: What are their names again? Billy... something.... ;)

Maggie: Sally, Bobby, and Gene.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like if he's more centered if he has people depending on him and he cares about them in a real way, not in an "I have to" way. Well we only care about Sally.

Maggie: Don's just going to return them to the SC&P Prop Department, let's be honest. *shakes head* 

Arsenic Pie: Sally's the only one worth keeping.

Maggie: I dunno, I kind of like Bobby.

Clovis: Literally, since the others have been played by multiple actors.

Maggie: He had some interesting things in the Planet of the Apes episode, he seems like a good kid.

Arsenic Pie: I like the new Bobby. I hope he sticks around. Although he looks like a Brady kid to me. He looks like Peter Brady and Opie had a love child.

Clovis: Somehow Sally has grown into a teenager and Bobby is still perennially 8 years old.

Maggie: I....never really paid attention to what he looked like to be honest. Do we think this is it for Don and Megan?

Arsenic Pie: I didn't even know they had a new Bobby until I looked it up. I hope so. I'm tired of Megan. I know what her purpose is on the show. But she is really boring.

Clovis: I was never a big Megan fan. I know she isn't going anywhere because Matthew Weiner is obsessed with her, but I do hope this is the end of the marriage.

Maggie: Huh, I always liked her. Mostly because she didn't put up with Don's shit....at least the stuff she knew about.

Arsenic Pie: I liked her on that level -- the not putting up with Don's shit level -- but I feel like she's the least interesting of the female characters. Yet she gets the most screen time.

Clovis: Agreed. 

Maggie: Also, she's Canadian.

Arsenic Pie: Yes, I caught that. Since they mention it.

Clovis: Did we really need a year of her quest to become an actress at the expense of Peggy and Joan? 

Arsenic Pie: All the time. I fucking love her mom, though. If for nothing else, Juliette Binoche as Marie is pretty classic.

Maggie: Some follow through with Joan would have been nice. I assume she got Avon, but really they needed more of THAT this season. More Joan, plz.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, WTF happened with Avon? They just dropped that plotline.

Clovis: OMG SPEAKING OF MOMS - How much did we love the Mother Overboard development? 

Arsenic Pie: Did she land the account or what? OMG PETE'S MOM OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!!

Maggie: Apparently, Matthew Weiner thinks it's obvious to the audience that she got the account.

Clovis: I seriously LOLd at that, you guys.

Maggie: That was ridiculous (Pete's Mom) Poor Pete, he is never going to be able to travel ANYWHERE by air or sea.

Arsenic Pie: That was some legit Downton Abbey realness. PEOPLE DO NOT FALL OFF BOATS. 

Clovis: RIGHT!!!!! Maggie: Actually.... It happened on a cruise ship I was on.

Arsenic Pie: Are you serious?

Maggie: Yep.

Arsenic Pie: Did they die?

Maggie: That's the assumption.

Arsenic Pie: Hahahahaha. Omg.

Maggie: If you are in the middle of the ocean and someone comes up missing...

Arsenic Pie: Holy crap.

Clovis: It still happens. proof:

Maggie: I don't think it's actually that uncommon.

Arsenic Pie: Maybe not uncommon, but rare.

Maggie: Especially on cruises with older people. Oops, there goes Grandma!

Clovis: You have to admit, though, it's totally something this show would do. It veers from ultra realism to total absurdity sometimes.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like Pete's mom is going to show up in Venezuela. With a cabana boy.

Maggie: What is the deal with her marrying Manolo??

Clovis: Who's name wasn't even Manolo!

Maggie: Do we think he married and then murdered her for her money??

Arsenic Pie: I just figured Manolo was after her money.

Maggie: I didn't really get what was going on there.

Arsenic Pie: Which Pete and Bud aren't going to let him have.

Clovis: Or because Manolo wanted to stay in the US. Arsenic Pie: If she even has any. Clovis: After all, Manolo knew that Pete was paying all Mother's bills.

Maggie: True. Arsenic Pie: He had to know Mother really didn't have money, or didn't have control of the money. Maybe he's a psychopath.

Maggie: But then why would he marry her? That whole thing was so weird.

Arsenic Pie: And as we know he is gay...

Maggie: Mad Men definitely became more soap operaish, probably because of Megan.

Clovis: Although I feel like that story's likely done. It would be American Horror Story level ridiculous to bring Mother back next season after spending the summer on Gilligan's Island or whatever.

Arsenic Pie: It's totes what happens on soaps.

Clovis: True.

Arsenic Pie: Why doesn't Megan just go to LA?

Clovis: I think she's going to.

Arsenic Pie: Like, she cold leave. No one's stopping her.

Maggie: I think so too. I do think they will have to split the show between LA and NYC.

Arsenic Pie: I was kind of pissed at her for telling Don his kids are screwed up. I mean they are screwed up.

Clovis: Don's pathetic "we'll be bi-coastal" excuse wasn't cutting it for her.

Arsenic Pie: No, she should just go.

Maggie: She instantly felt bad about saying that though. To be fair, they were in the middle of a fight.

Clovis: Yeah, but you know she's been holding that one in a while. She's been overly patient with the kids, Sally in particular, several times.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I can see how she might resent them. Like, Don's left her alone with the kids several times. Several times when she'd been expecting him to be there. And Megan's not really cut out to be a mom. And doesn't want to be, really.

Maggie: Yeah, I thought it was a totally understandable and realistic comment to make in that situation. And so was her response immediately after.

Clovis: Yeah, agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I still want her to leave. ;)

Clovis: I think Megan's generally a nice person. I just am kinda at a loss for what else to do with her story, you know?

Maggie: I guess we'll find out next year!

 Arsenic Pie: There's nothing you can do with her, really. She's nice and good.

 Maggie: Maybe she'll get hit by lightning.

 Arsenic Pie: And that's about it. Or STABBED

 Clovis: HAHAHAHA. By Pete's mother

 Maggie: Or kidnapped.

 Arsenic Pie: Back from Venezuela. AND OMG SHE MISTAKES MEGAN FOR TRUDY.

 Clovis: With Manolo's twin.

 Arsenic Pie: AND STABS HER.

 Maggie: I would watch that show.

 Arsenic Pie: I would watch the shit out of that.

 Clovis: Agreed a thousand times.

At this point, Maggie Cats had to leave the chat in order to work on her Syfy movie draft, which I can't yet  reveal all the secrets of, but I can say that it involves rabid snakes invading Lake Superior. Yes. Rabid. Snakes. You're welcome, America.

Clovis: I totally want to hear what you think of the whole season.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I think it was better than last season. And plenty of OMG and WTF moments to go around. I live for those. But I felt like there should have been more Joan and more Betty.

Clovis: Agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I liked that we saw a lot of Peggy.

Clovis: The women characters are so much more interesting than the men, I think.

Arsenic Pie: But honestly...less Megan.

Clovis: HAHAHA totally. I didn't like how last year became The Megan Show.

Arsenic Pie: Legit. I'm sure she's nice and all, but less Megan. It was The Megan Show. I don't hate her, I just think the other female characters on the show are more interesting. I did like how they focused on Sally. Because she kills it on that show.

Clovis: I feel like Matthew Weiner was tricked out over January Jones and so gave her all this screen time that she hadn't earned because she's not that great of an actress. Then when Jones got a boyfriend that wasn't Weiner, he found another actress to obsess over. Sally is totally the character that you just want to see what happens to her. Like, I really want to see a postscript with a 60-year-old Sally in the modern day and see what becomes of her life.

 Arsenic Pie: I feel like he's unnecessarily mean to Peggy. Sally will be divorced three times. With four kids. Three of whom hate her.

 Clovis: Exactly. I feel like sometimes Peggy really gets written as the Ball Buster or something.

 Arsenic: I feel like JJ is a better actress than Jessica Pare. The thing is, Peggy isn't even a feminist. She wants to get married and have kids. She just can't. Not a feminist in the traditional sense.

 Clovis: Yeah, I probably agree. And I don't think JJ is that great. Jessica Pare just doesn't have a lot of talent aside from looking pretty and playing one or two rote emotions. Yeah, true on Peggy.

 Arsenic Pie: I don't even think JP is that pretty, honestly. She's horsey. JJ is prettier.

 Clovis: It's true.

 Arsenic Pie: It is. Girl's got a horse face. Anyway, yeah. Peggy isn't the single-minded career woman who chooses work over family.

 Clovis: Seriously. She's getting by a lot on the fact that she speaks French and so has other skills to work with.

Arsenic Pie: She has no choice. If she wants goodies she has to earn them. I get annoyed when she speaks French. It's like they think we forget she's French so they have to remind us.

Clovis: Exactly. Plus, she's willing to do whatever for a man. She was all "Oh, you want to live in a hovel but give me babies, Abe? Okay!"

Arsenic Pie: But Juliette Binoche is hysterical. She is. She will bend over backwards for a guy, unless it's Pete.

Clovis: Haha. Pete.

 Arsenic Pie: Hahahaha. Pete.

Clovis: You screwed the pooch on that one, buddy. 

Arsenic Pie: Eventually, I will feel sorry for Pete. That day has not arrived.

Clovis: God I hate watching Pete and his tantrums. I mean, I like how he's written because it's good that the audience is allowed to dislike him and he is given depths. But dude.

Arsenic Pie: I felt so bad for his mom. He was so mean to her. I don't even dislike Pete. I think he's hilarious.

Clovis: Can I also say that I just really want Bob Benson to totally smack Pete down?

Arsenic Pie: Oh, totally. Bob Benson is my new hero. That actor reminds me of Jason Sudeikis so I have a hard time taking Bob Benson seriously.

Clovis: Vincent Kartheiser does a really wonderful job of showing how false Pete is when he's trying to be smarmy. He also plays Pete as someone who totally idolized Don Draper without understanding that he's looking in the wrong direction of history. Ironically, Bob is the character that is most like Don, but is doing Don Draper better than Don Draper does right now.

Arsenic Pie: They should make a Bob Benson action figure.

 Clovis: I would buy that action figure. Especially if it came with the self-help records.

Arsenic Pie: And the headphones. Someone put us in charge of AMC merch.

 Clovis: Right?!?!

 Arsenic Pie: I love how Bob is another Don Draper, and it disgusts Pete so much to meet people like Don and Bob. Because as you say, Pete has had everything handed to him. And Don and Bob may lie, but they work for what they have.

 Clovis: And Pete sees them as being not worthy because they aren't the right kind of person.

 Arsenic Pie: Yes, and also because he's puritanical and sees himself as the moral center. Whereas everyone else is morally bankrupt.

 Clovis: Despite being equally as bankrupt as everyone else.

 Arsenic Pie: Or more so.

 Clovis: "Know thyself" is not advice he ever thought worth taking, clearly.

 Arsenic Pie: Pete justifies everything in his head, and when things go wrong for him, then he thinks other people are out to get him. Like, he would not take the time to get adequate care for his mother, so he hires Manolo. Then blames Bob for things going haywire.

 Clovis: That's totally his MO - take the easy way out that will get him the most benefit for the least work and then never accept responsibility. That particular track was brought out most i thought when he was one of the biggest advocates of prostituting Joan out so that they could get a wealthy client.

 Arsenic Pie: Oh, he was all for that. And Don was against it. Don is the only guy in that office who has never hit on Joan. He either doesn't sexualize her or he respects her, or both. Well maybe with the exception of Bert Cooper, but I doubt his engines fire anymore.

Clovis: Exactly. The one time he sorta kinda did (when he took her out to drive around in the jaguar) even then it wasn't really something he was aiming for. And Joan, to her credit, refers to Don as "irresistible", but can resist him perfectly fine herself because she knows what it would be like to be with him.

Arsenic Pie: It's so weird how he's never disrespected her, when practically every man disrespects Joan. 

Clovis: I wonder if that's because, despite his own treatment of women, he knows what it's like to be around women who have to work for afford their lives.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like he respects Joan, and he doesn't respect women in general. But he doesn't respect Peggy.

 Clovis: I mean, Joan's no prostitute, even that one client aside, but there are similarities. Yeah, true. But he kinda does - he values her a lot. He just doesn't know how to show it. His need to manipulate her always wins out.

 Arsenic Pie: He treats Peggy the way he treats his male colleagues. And Peggy takes it personally.

Clovis: My favorite scene in the entire series so far is the one last season where she tells him she's leaving and for the first time, he actually shows affection to her, partially as a tactic, but also because he knows that he's lost her and he'll never get her back, really.

 Arsenic Pie: I guess I should say he doesn't treat Peggy with the same respect he shows Joan. He won't. Don was her mentor and he didn't give her what she felt she was entitled to. Now I think she's just going to take it. Instead of waiting for a man to give it to her.

Clovis: I hope so. I mean, It's easy to make Peggy the stand-in for feminism when, as you say, she isn't, really. But she's one of the characters that I really like, so I really want her to come out on top of this. 

Arsenic Pie: She's way not a stand-in for feminism. I was really hoping things would work out with Ted. Then I realized what a tool he is.

 Clovis: What about that massive turn around?

 Arsenic Pie: She's the Edith.

 Clovis: It only took him, what, half a day after sleeping with Peggy to be all like "shit, I've got to go to California. Haha, she so is.

 Arsenic Pie: Ikr. First he was like, "I don't love my wife. I love you." Then he figured he had to stay with her. Out of what? Pity? Inertia? I feel like Peggy can't catch a break.

 Clovis: Little of column A, little of column B?

Arsenic Pie: Maybe.

 Clovis: I also found it interesting that this is the first time we've seen Peggy really play up her sex appeal. Arsenic Pie: HAHA I LOVED THAT

 Clovis:  Peggy NEVER toys around with sex, probably because of what happened with Pete.

Arsenic Pie: When she walked into that office full of dudes. 

Clovis: But she did this time and did it FULL FORCE

 Arsenic Pie: AND SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE A PLAYBOY BUNNY. No, she is all business, all the time. I thought that was awesome. She owned that shit. And you know it is prolly the first time people like Cutler took any notice of her.

 Clovis: Yeah, exactly. Also, fucking Harry Crane. That guy can't resist throwing in a stupid, sexist statement, can he?

 Arsenic Pie: No, he really cannot

 Clovis: He refers to every woman as a "sex kitten" if they do anything more than be dumpy. 

Arsenic Pie: I like how we've never seen his wife. Like ever.

 Clovis: That said, I actually kind of like Harry. I just think he's a putz.

 Arsenic Pie: Harry's an idiot, but a lovable one.

 Clovis: I know, right? We've seen the secretaries he's slept with, but never his family.

 Arsenic Pie: Supposedly, he has a wife. I don't think we've seen Ken's wife, either. We've met Trudy.

 Clovis: And you just know that he was angling to become partner so he could run the LA office. Now I guess he's out of that running.

 Arsenic Pie: We've met Trudy a bunch. Nah, there are too many sharks in that office for Harry to be in charge of anything. He doesn't have the balls.

Clovis: I love Trudy, BTW. But then, it's Allison Brie, who everyone loves.

 Arsenic Pie: Who doesn't love Allison Brie? No one. That's who.

 Clovis: Only a fucking monster, that's who.

FUCK YOU, SARAH MACLACHLAN.

 Arsenic Pie: HER LAST NAME IS CHEESE. A DELICIOUS CHEESE. I also love Trudy. I loved it when she kicked Pete out.

 Clovis: I KNOW RIGHT!!!

Arsenic Pie: SHE WAS SO PISSED.

 Clovis: I know we haven't seen everything from her perspective, but she's also the only one who's kicked out the husband and not given a fuck about it. She's been all like "screw you guys, I'm going home" over this and content to raise her kid on her own.

 Arsenic Pie: And she was one of the most conservative and traditional women on the show. At least, that's how she was presented. She did her little early 60's housewife thing. She even told Pete when she kicked him out that she'd expected that he'd cheat on her.

 Clovis: She's barreling into the 1970's full steam ahead.

 Arsenic Pie: She is Trudy. Hear her RAWR. It's going to be all Garp, all the time at that house now.

Clovis: For realz.

Arsenic Pie: Fo shiznit.

At this point, both Clovis and I had to leave the chat in order to don our parkas and grab our harpoons en route to Siberia to save some wayward nerpas, who were in an advanced state of distress.

EHERMAGEHRD. THA CUHTE!

Our Biggest Challenge Is To Not Get Syphilis

So, I spent most of this episode waiting for Pete Campbell to either go ballistic in the office of SCDPEDBSBSXQJ or jump out a window. 

Not a whole lot happened in this episode OMGZ-wise like last week (like, seriously, WTF), but it was the first full-fledged Joan episode this season, so I was happy that the writing started focusing on Joan being a more active business partner, even though That's Not How Things Work Around Here. I love how Joan is one of the few decent people in a sea of morally bankrupt human beings. She's so decent that it doesn't even bother me when she starts acting like some of the more douchey characters on the show, because she's learned that if you want to play with the big boys, you've got to get your hands a little dirty.

I grew some balls to complement my amazing tatas.

So, in the wake of the Bobby Kennedy assassination, Don is watching the Democratic National Convention. Megan thinks no one will vote for Hubert Humphrey, and Don is skeptical that Nixon will win. Wrong horse, Don. Don's heading out to Cali and invites Megan along, but she can't go. Don and Megan seem a little closer in this episode, but we know it won't be long before he's led astray yet once more.

Back at the office, Ken Cosgrove's been let into double secret offices at GM. There's one GM exec who's giving them a hard time and tabling all their ideas due to a lack of ass kissing. Roger doesn't know his name. Jack Something. All the execs are named Jack. Pete offers to go to Detroit, but Ted says he'll go (and presumably fly himself). Don strolls in late and this commences a  spectacular convo about SCDPCGC being a bit of a mouthful for the clients. The clients don't know the official name of the firm, and neither does the firm itself, so they're all swimming in a sea of letters.

No one has observed the memo that requested specifically that all seven letters be used when answering the phone. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Cutler Gleason and Shaw. Roger suggests that they all lose a letter, and Don thinks the abbreviation sounds like a stutter. Bert Cooper says he'll  take his name off the list, along with all of the deceased partners. Oh, Bert. We see you there. You're adorably grumpy. Don suggests they just get a bigger front door.

Cutler: Of course you like it. You're at the front. I'm at the end.

Ted: I'm at the end!

That's what she said!

And it's off to LA for Roger and Don to meet with Carnation, leaving Harry Hamlin to meet with Manischewitz. 

On the plane, Roger's annoyed with Don because Don's working on the Carnation Instant Breakfast account. They're execs, says Roger. They're working with rednecks and hayseeds and said rednecks and hayseeds will trust two gentlemen from the big city. Big New York Ad Men. 

Hey, there! Georgie Girl!

Over in creative's freeflowing workspace, Ginsberg and Stan are listening to a news report about Vietnam. Ginsberg is mad because Humphrey doesn't have a peace plan for the war. Cutler wants to know what work they've actually got done on the Manischewitz account and the answer to that question is zero. Zilch. Exactly. Nada. Ginsberg accuses Cutler of being glib about the lack of a peace plan because he's for the war, and Cutler points out that he served in the Air Force. Ginsberg gets ticked off and tells Cutler that Cutler disgusts him and then it devolves into yet another in-office shouting match, in which Ginsberg calls Cutler a fascist and a Nazi (not sure how that works), and Cutler burns Ginsberg by pointing out that Ginsberg is a hippie who cashes checks from Dow Chem. Ouch. 

Then...is it a bird? Is it a plane! It's...it's...it's OUR HERO, Troutshorts (nee Bob Benson). Troutshorts wants to know what this ruckus is about, and Cutler yells at Troutshorts. Poor Troutshorts. Cutler later approaches Troutshorts and asks him to accompany him on the presentation for Manischewitz. One small step for Troutshorts. One giant step for earnest possibly evil account men.

My biography, Full Frontal Nudity: The Making of an Accidental Actor, is available at fine booksellers nationwide.

In Ted's office, Cutler tells Ted he wants to fire some of the SCDP staff, namely Ginsberg. He thinks they should fire the the SCDP people while Draper and Sterling are in LA. Yeah. Because that will go over well. Ted tells Cutler that they can't fire Ginsberg; he's too good. Then Cutler storms out.

Remember Joan's friend Kate? The one who works for Avon? Well, Kate set Joan up on a date. Joan goes to lunch with Andy, an ostensibly divorced man who keeps talking about his wife. He's also the head of marketing for Avon. Andy asks Joan what he should look for in an agency, then it dawns on Joan that this is also a business lunch and she makes her move. Joan sells SCDP. She sells it hard. Andy asks Joan what her job is, and since she can't tell him it's head secretary, she tells him she's in charge of giving people what they want before they even ask for it. Then she pays for lunch. Sold!

Joan comes back from lunch and talks to Peggy. Peggy urges Joan to set a meeting, even though Don and Roger are out of town. Peggy's stoked. Peggy suggests that they take it to Ted, and Joan's concerned about getting kicked off the account. But Peggy urges Joan to ask to be the account man, and Joan sees her opportunity. 

Peggy approaches Ted and tells him the news, and Ted brings in Pete Campbell (and also makes him head of new business, which Pissy Pete doesn't want because, like, OMG he's twelve). Ted instructs Pete to set a meeting for the next day with Peggy, and unwittingly excludes Joan. Joan insists on coming to the lunch, and Pete insists that, under no uncertain circumstances, that this is how things are done. Joan's offended and walks away insulted. Pete, however, assures Joan that she'll get all the credit. Yeah. Right.

Don, Roger and Harry Crane pull up at their hotel in swinging 60s style. Don's grumpy because Roger kept talking on the plane, and Roger's grumpy that Don doesn't want to par-tay. Don's a Responsible Husband and Father now, Roger. Harry Crane, however, has been invited to a party in the Hollywood Hills with some movie and TV execs. I'm sure there's no way that could possibly end badly.

You folks want to see me give Slattery a wedgie? Hold on. This cracks him up when I do this.

On the teevee news,  protesters are being arrested and clubbed for demonstrating outside the 1968 Democratic National Convention, which was held at the Chicago Hilton. Megan on the phone with Don and expresses that she's upset, and Don tactfully reminds her that she can't vote. 

Peggy shows up the the lunch and Joan walks in, sans Pete, and tells Peggy that she didn't invite Pete. Joan tells Peggy that she can leave, but before she can, Andy arrives and Joan introduces them and sells Andy on Peggy.  Peggy starts babbling about her Avon lady and Joan takes charge of the meeting. Andy expresses his frustration with nagging sales, what with these working females and these darn hippies who don't wear make-up. Peggy asks Andy if he thinks that maybe his ad campaign might be intentionally old-fashioned,

and suggests that they have the Avon lady come to the office. Joan even comes up with a tag line, "There's no doorbell in an office." Peggy smiles politely, but sister knows she's been upstaged. 

Meanwhile at Carnation, Harry, Roger and Don are meeting with Mitt Romney's Zombie. Mitt Romney's Zombie is gleefully expressing his opinion that the Democrats are dead. Maybe not even just for now. MAYBE FOREVER. BWAHAHA.

Oopsie.

In walks Jack, the head honcho at Carnation.Remember when Roger said they're all named Jack? THEY'RE ALL NAMED JACK. 

Jack is mad that they were laughing about the riots and how said riots handed the election to Nixon. Jack is offended and thought last night was disgusting. Because the protests lacked eight essential vitamins and minerals and were a delicious way to start your day? Because police were beating people who were exercising their constitutionally protected right to protest? No! Because of Those Damn Long-Haired Hippies! They shamed this country. Can Nixon fix that? Nixon's an opportunist. You know who's a patriot? Dutch. Reagan. That's who. Now let's talk about how our nasty ass processed chalky instant food product is part of this complete breakfast.

Peggy is PISSED at Joan. She tells Joan that, on no uncertain terms, Joan threw away her access to the Avon account. Joan feels like Peggy doesn't respect her, and Joan feels like Avon is hers. Joan and Peggy hash it out, with Peggy reminding Joan that she used to ridicule her when Peggy first started writing copy. Joan insults Peggy by insinuating that Peggy rode Don's coattails and didn't work hard enough on her own, and Peggy retorts that she never slept with Don. Joan takes that comment personally, and reminds Peggy that the only thing that matters now is who has a personal relationship with the client and that's Joan. 

Benson's in his office, honest to shit listening to a vinyl recording on how to be a good salesman, when Stan beckons him into his office. Ginsberg is having a full on panic attack and wants to bow out of the Manischewitz meeting. Troutshorts goes all motivational speaker on Ginsberg, but Ginsberg's convinced that he's part of the Dark Side. Troutshorts tries to convince Ginsberg that Manischewitz isn't a bad company; they're YOUR PEOPLE.  Then Ginsberg asks TS if TS is a homo. Yes, it's a great day for political correctness.

Roger is all dressed up in the latest Aristotle Onassis fashions. Our slick, cool cats, Don and Roger, are heading to the Hollywood Hills party. No, you're not hallucinating. They are, in fact, playing Harper Valley PTA. Things go pretty well until Roger runs into Jane's cousin,  Danny. Remember Danny? Danny worked for SCDP for a hot minute while Roger was married to Jane. He wasn't very good at advertising, but he's become a Hollywood director/producer in the mean time. Roger opens with his usual round of 12-year-old boy charm, and tells a string of short jokes that aren't even worthy of Cartman. Roger, you are a total square.

Don's talking to some hipster guy out near the pool who does jingles, and he's distracted by ladies in bikinis. He excuses himself and wanders into an ashram, where there are several stoned people worshiping at the ganja altar. This Bettyish blonde offers Don "a nipple" (not that kind of nipple, you pervs) and Don sits down and tokes up. 

Again, I want to remind people that there is no way that this could possibly go wrong.

Roger starts hitting on Danny's old lady, Lois, who is, of course, tripping on acid. Danny approaches and tells Lois it's time to leave, and Roger starts in with the smack talk, which ultimately ends in Danny punching Roger directly in the nutsack. See, it helps to be short.

Inside the party, Don's cornered the Bettyish blonde in a corner and he's baked. Yes, here we go again with Don cheating. Then Megan shows up. And she tells him she's totally okay with all this free love. At this point, we know Don's hallucinating because Megan would cut off his balls if she caught him with another woman. THC Delusion Megan leads Don through the party, where she reveals she is pregnant. WHAT? Then she morphs into the Vietnam soldier from the season premiere. Remember him? The one who got married on the beach. Anyway, he's real dead now. Then Don thinks he fell into the pool and drowned, but it turns out he just fell in the pool. And he is high. He is really, really high.

Make the most of the hemp seed! And sow it everywhere!

On the up side, Ted has great news! He kissed the right asses and things are a go and troublesome Jack is off the account. Troutshorts comes in and tells them that Manischewitz has put them in review because they haven't been happy with their work. Cutler was supposed to go to the presentation for Manischewitz, but he let Bob and Ginsberg take it. Cutler puts Troutshorts on the Chevy account without first consulting Ted, and Ted feels like Cutler is trying to split the firm in half. (Spoiler alert: he is). Cutler is nonplussed. 

Don's hung over and dying of TB on the flight back to New York. Roger gives Don some uncharacteristically sage advice, gleaned from his shrink. According to Roger's shrink, it's the business of our lives to know ourselves and love who we are. Will Don take his advice to heart or lapse back into a downward spiral of self-loathing? The voyeur in me hopes it is the latter.

MEANWHILE, Pete is royally pissed at Joan. He calls Joan into the conference room and rips into her. Pete's riled up because Avon sent over a box of samples to the girls and Andy left a note on the box about a "productive breakfast." 

I sent you to the store to get cake! 

Pete throws a temper tantrum (because he's a tween girl), and Joan tries to explain it away as confusion. This is such BS on Pete's part because you know he'd be the first to throw someone else under the bus and steal their client. Peggy bursts in and Joan has it out with Pete, with Pete accusing Joan of sleeping with Avon (literally) to gain an upper hand with the client and Joan says, "Because it's better than being screwed by you."

Pete storms out and brings in Ted, hoping that Ted will back him up. Ted comes in and scolds Joan and Pete kicks Peggy out of the meeting. Fortunately for Peggy, there's a one-sided window in Joan's office (with audio), so Peggy listens in on the convo. Pete continues to throw a fit, and tells Joan that she breached the fundamental rules of how the business works. Peggy hastily scribbles a note and sends Meredith in to deliver it in the conference room. Meredith reads out the fake message, which reads that Andrew Hayes from Avon is on the phone for her. Ted angrily orders Joan to go take the call and Pete continues to be pissy. Ted tells Pete he needs to suck it up. Joanie thanks Peggy for saving her ass, and Peggy tells Joan to hope that Andy really calls.

Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites.

Pete's waiting for Don and Roger when they arrive, and then the partners meet in Don's office. Roger's nonplussed about the Manischewitz account because he's been expecting it, so he effectively asked Cutler to cover an account he was already pretty certain they were going to lose. On a happier note, they've decided on a name, and they're dropping all the partners except Roger and Bert from the firm's name. Heretofore, they will be known as Sterling, Cooper & Partners. Pete tries to warn Don that there's all kinds of mutiny and shenanigans a-happening, and Don tells Pete that if he doesn't like it, then he should get out of the business. 

Pete wanders aimlessly into creative. One thinks he's going to go all Lane Pryce on us all, but Pete may be too ineffectual to actually kill himself. He instead just steals a joint from Stan. 

Only three more episodes this season. 

Every Time We Get a Car, This Place Turns into a Whorehouse

So, I didn't watch Mad Men when it aired Monday night, because I thought, you know what, I bet watching Don Draper flail about this week will be equal the normal amount hot messery we've come to know, love and expect. I found myself really groovin this episode. I liked the bad trip dream-like quality about it, and the relative unpredictability of the plot. It felt like an ordinary day-in-the-life, but there was the added element of Don being disoriented (and stoned) throughout, so the timeline was a little disjointed (which I dig) and there was a hint of unreliable narration when the story was being told through Don's POV.  Since he's got a shaky grip on reality, there were some scenes where you weren't sure if they were happening for real or in Don's head, and in others, you could see that what was happening maybe was really happening to the other people in the Mad Men world, but Don had a totally different way of experiencing it, and Don seemed unable to tell what was real and what was not. 

Trippy.

The episode's called "The Crash" and so I started it, sitting there wondering if THIS IS FINALLY THE EPISODE WHERE EVERYONE DIES IN A HORRIBLE, FIERY PLANE CRASH. But nay. I spent most of this episode waiting for Don to drop dead of a heart attack.

The episode beings with Ken Cosgrove shitting his pressed Brooks Brothers pants in a car. He's in said car -- an Imapla -- driving significantly above the posted speed limit, with gun-wielding drunk Chevy reps, who seem to either be in the mob or a frat. They point a pistol to his head and urge him to go faster. Because what doesn't go better with alcohol than a fucking pistol? Cosgrove's level of job satisfaction is sinking at an exponential rate.

In creepy news, Don's stalking Sylvia and chain-smoking outside of the Rosens'. Arnie's back, and Sylvia's back to making him his dinnah.  Draper sucks at stalking, so he legit leaves his cigarette butts out in the hall way, as if this is some nicotine-laden version of pissing to mark his territory.

Cosgrove walks into the meeting at work, limping on a cane and Don calls him a cripple. A. Cripple. It's unclear whether the crash we saw at the beginning of the episode caused him to limp, but that crash we saw looked very much like a head-on collision and I'm surprised that anyone came out of that with only a limp. Is there a worse crash happening later in the episode? Oh God, I hope so. So, while we wait for people to die in horrific ways, let's have a meeting and see where were stand with Chevy, huh, gents?

Chevy has tabled all of SCDP's ideas for the campaigns, so creative has to work the weekend to come up with something suitable. Ted's secretary comes in and calls him out of the meeting, and then the door opens again. It's Dawn! She says Dr. Rosen is on the phone for Don. Eek. Did he see all those cigarette butts in the hallway and put two and two together? No! It's Sylvia. Arnie SAW all those cigarette butts and he thinks she's smoking again. Don tells Sylvia he needs to see her and Sylvia tells him no. She's freaked out about last week and tells Don to leave her alone. Don begs to see her and she tells him she's afraid of him. Then Don throws his phone and destroys his in-office wet bar. Oh, no! Not the wet bar. Then he cries. And then he coughs in a congestive heart failurey way.  Then Dawn calls him on his extesion, asking if he's all right. "I'm fine," he sobs. "I'm just...just...crying because I'm so happy."

Mr. Draper, I've got the Cleveland Heart Clinic on Line 1.

Cue flashback to Don dying of pleurisy at a whore house back in the 30s. Teen Don is banished to the cellar of the whorehouse so he doesn't get the hookers sick. Wouldn't want any nasty chest colds complicating that clap, now would we?

Over at the Fat Betty Francis house, Sally Draper has boobs! Betty's blonde again! Betty hates Sally's skirt because 1) it's too short and 2) she figures Sally got it from Megan.

Betty: "Where did you get that?" 

Sally: "I earned it." 

Betty: "On what street corner?" 

Betty: 1; Sally, 0

Frank died. He did not in fact "beat this thing." 

Frank: 0; Pancreatic cancer, 1. Too soon?

Everyone in creative at SCDP is getting a shot in the ass today! Are they getting vaccinated against polio? Heavens, no. They're all getting caffeinated roids in the office, courtesy of the firm,  "to help the creative process" with Chevy. The doctor, who looks  like two Zach Galifianakises duct taped together, says it's "a proprietary blend." A proprietary blend. OF FUCKING LSD. They're getting this "proprietary blend" of caffeine, wood alcohol, acid and turpentine shot directly into their ass cheeks. 

Now available as a convenient suppository!

Doc asks Don if he has a heart condition. He says no. Ha! That's what you think, Draper! Who cares? I'm sure it's totally safe. 

Anyway, so they're all high. They're all high and they're all going to die. Don coughs some more. Again. Not congestive heart failure. Not at all.

Don spies Peggy comforting Ted, and he spies Ted's secretary, Moira. Moira reminds Don of someone he once knew and he asks her during the episode if he knows her from somewhere else, and Moira coyly responds that she doesn't. 

All this hacking reminds Don of his first visit to a medical professional: Aimee, a lady of the night who works in the brothel where he's living with his stepmother. The hooker diagnoses him with a chest cold and nurses him. You're left wondering at what point this is going to turn into sexy time, because Don is disoriented and keeps having flashbacks. His cough reminds him of being ill as a child, and being nursed through it, not by a mother or a stepmother, but by a PROSTITUTE. Aimee brings him soup and keeps him in her bedroom until he is well. Ahem. Yes, although gumpy and sickly as a lad, Dick Whitman grew to be a handsome and powerful man, with the help of a bowl of Campbell's and the love of a hooker named Aimee.

Paul Pfeiffer, is that you?

So, everyone in the office is stoned, except for Peggy (who later gets drunk) and Ginsberg. A wigged out Cosgrove tap dances for Don and does a spoken word piece about all of the work he has to do for Chevy and how he has to kowtow and be a yes-man for Chevy and for SCDP. In case you missed the metaphor, Cosgrove is tap-dancing for Chevy. Don tells Cosgrove that this is his job. Apparently, everyone who works for Chevy is a drunk idiot and they're taking Cosgrove out every night, exploring the world of gang bangin and liver failure. 

Don is totally disoriented. He comes into the creative workspace, free associates with his fellow smackheads, leaves, has a flashback of Aimee, and somehow he's missed an entire day. It's now Saturday and he has no idea what is going on. Peggy and some of the other employees are back from Frank's funeral and Don wants to talk soup. There is also randomly a hippie girl doing the I Ching in creative. Don wants Peggy to go into the archives and go into 1958 - 59 for soup. SOUP.

Don goes into his office and the random hippie girl is there, being all love childey. Rainbow Sunbeam stole a stethoscope from one of the doctor's offices upstairs (prolly Rosen's; he can't keep track of his shit) and listens to Don's heart. She says, "Oh, I think it's broken" and Don says, "You can hear that?" No, you silly rabbit. It's the stethoscope that's broken. 

Don calls home and gets Sally, surprised that she's there, apparently forgetting that he has the kids on the weekend. Megan tells Don she has to leave, but Don can't come home. Megan is leaving so she can see a play with her agent, and she leaves Sally to babysit so she can earn herself some boots.  Meanwhile over in creative, Ginsberg, Peggy and Stan playing drunk/stoned William Tell. Ginsberg stabs Stan in the arm. This is exactly what Don meant when he said, "Go look up soup."

Peggy drags Stan away to patch him up and then he starts hitting on her. She drags out the old "I have a boyfriend" plea and snogs Stan. MOAR in-office action for Peggy. FTW. Stan wants her to sex him, and becomes maudlin and relates the story of his cousin Ralph getting killed in Vietnam.

What? No pity sex for ole Stan?

Peggy says she's had hella sorrow in her life, but you can't dampen it with drugs and sex. 

Like hell you can't.

Stan compliments Peggy's ass and she leaves the room. Go look up soup, Peggy!

Don't creeping around outside the Rosens' instead of being home with his children, and Sylvia just has the radio playing, likely because she knows Don is out in the hallway, listening at the door and...being weird. 

So, it's now the middle of the night, and there's a strange black woman in the Drapers' apartment. Megan isn't back yet, and Don is still...somewhere...looking up old soup ads and obsessing about Sylvia. This woman says she's Sally's "Grandma Ida" and that she raised Don. She's lying. She didn't effing raise Don. The hookers raised Don.

"Grandma Ida" knows enough generic rich white people trivia to get Sally to trust her enough to let her stay, but she's conning Sally. Grandma Ida tells Sally that Don gave her the key and told her to come over. Yeah, in the middle of the night. We all know Don's losing it, but it wouldn't go quite that far, even if she did somehow know him in his Dick Whitman past. But, Sally is still very much a child and isn't mature enough to handle situations like, you know, breaking and entering. 

Don's down in the archives looking up soup ads, and he comes across and ad, featuring a woman who reminds him of Ted's secretary/Rainbow Sunbeam/Aimee. In the flashback, Dick's recovered from his illness, and Aimee stars hitting on the lad in a molesty way. So. Don got raped a bunch.

Hey, Teenage Dream. You got my heart racin' in your skin tight knickers. . 

Bobby wakes up and finds "Grandma Ida" trying to steal the television set. "Grandma Ida" scams Bobby into telling her where Don keeps his watches. Sally decides to call the police, and Grandma Ida catches her and takes the phone away from Sally. Grandma Ida takes the hint and skedaddles, and Sally gets up to (hopefully) lock the door. 

Don writes up a prospectus and calls Peggy and Ginsberg into his office. He's sweaty and passionately pitching his idea. Don reveals he actually has not been working on Chevy, but has been working on a way to get Sylvia to acknowledge his existence. He asks for their opinion on his campaign, and they tell him it's great. He runs out, presumably headed off to Sylvia. Also, Rainbow Moonstone or whatever her name is banging Stan in one of the offices, and Cutler is watching! Peggy gives up and goes home.

Back at the apartment, an incoherent, sweaty Don is practicing what he's going to say to Sylvia. He plans to stop into his apartment to get some smokes, and he finds way more than cigarettes waiting for him. Don finds Megan there, and Bobby, Sally and Genie are up. There are also two cops there. This would be bad enough, if it weren't for the fact that Betty and Henry are also in the apartment. The cock, he is blocked. Grandma Ida is some kind of klepto and she robbed a bunch of people in the building and Don has to go down to the police station to ID his stuff. Betty yells at him and Sally says she wants to go home.

Then Don passes out. 

He has another flashback to the whorehouse, where Aimee's having an argument with her pimp. The pimp tells her to get out, and she claims she's owed money. She says she "took that boy's cherry" and that the pimp owes her five dollars. That's all it was worth, Dick. Five. Dollars. Don's stepmother asks him if that is true and he denies it. Wicked Stepmother doesn't believe him and beats him with a wooden spoon.

It all makes sense now.

The next morning, Don runs into Sylvia in the elevator. He is stoic and doesn't talk to her, and thus begins the longest awkward elevator ride in the history of television. Sylvia seems as though she about to say something, but Don's attitude is like, "Whatever, bitch" and they don't speak. At FBFH, Sally wants to talk to Don. He reassures her that he didn't have a heart attack. Sally says "Grandma Ida" sounded like she knew a lot about Don, but, as Sally says, ""Then I realized I don't know anything about you." Don, sympathetic to another child having her trust and innocence violated by an adult, tells Sally it wasn't her fault. Don says he left the door open and that it was his fault.

Don't worry, children! This looks like a job for Captain Subtext!

Monday morning and zero work got done on Chevy. Don (who showered) enters Ted's office with Cutler (and if you haven't noticed Cutler is played by Harry Fucking Hamlin, Cutler is played by Harry Fucking Hamlin). Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam was actually Wendy, Frank's daughter. It was Frank's daughter that Stan screwed. HAHAHAHAHA!!  Don promises to continue on Chevy on his function as creative director, and he says that's all he can do. Then he walks out of Ted's office.

Booyah.

Yes, children. That is what. After witnessing years of Don acting like a complete cocklord to his wife, his children, his ex-wife, his mistresses, his coworkers and his bosses, you keep rooting for the SOB. 

Don. 

Draper. 

For.

The.

Win.

Stay tuned for more office intrigue next Sunday. 

Who, me? Just biding my time, Daddy-o.