Mercy Me

Greetings, fellow TV Sluts! If you're on the East Coast chances are you're stuck inside for the foreseeable future thanks to Snowzilla 2016. Why not read a chat Arsenic Pie and I had this past week about the new PBS series, Mercy Street? 

"Based on real events, Mercy Street goes beyond the front lines of the Civil War and into the chaotic world of the Mansion House Hospital in Union-occupied Alexandria, Virginia." As you'll see below...I wouldn't say we loved it. --Maggie Cats

Arsenic Pie (AP):  GANGRENE BITCHES. THAT WOUND IS OOZING AND SMELLS FOUL ALSO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT HOW SLAVERY IS WRONG

Maggie Cats: (MC): I hope you aren't referring to the show in general with the "gangrene" and "oozing" comments.

AP: Not in a general sense, no. But as I stated before I was disappointed that there was no Neil Patrick Harris nor syphilis. Here's hoping.

MC: Maybe they will do a crossover with the now-cancelled Best Time Ever. Like, he can pop in to the room during amputations for a song and dance number.

AP: And use amputated limbs as props. See, we could write this. If they did that the show probably wouldn't have gotten cancelled.

MC: So what did you think of Mercy Street really?

AP: Well, from a production values standpoint it's on par with Downton Abbey and the BBC.

MC: But....

AP: But I felt in their attempt to be "fair," they are kind of whitewashing history and (don't hit me) making the Union look like the bad guys. Like, the Chief of Staff at the hospital is a dickbag. Nobody wanted to treat the Confederate soldier. The Union officers in charge of the hospital wanted to cheat the nice Confederate family. A little balance is needed, otherwise is comes across as propaganda. And if I need that, I'll just go watch Gone with the Wind for the twentieth time.

MC: I understand what they are trying to do, to show the nuances of all the different things people were thinking at that time, but it felt like there was way too many grand pronouncements of morality and war and politics shoehorned into the narrative. I actually thought the Green family didn't come off looking so rosy; I mean clearly they are rich people with their heads stuck in the sand. LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR THE SOUND OF THE UNION KICKING OUR ASS. But yes, they were clearly trying to demonstrate that "Confederates are people toooo!" Which ok, they were, but also, HELLO, SLAVERY. Of all the characters we met, I actually found the freeman surgeon the most compelling.

AP: Yes, and with Mary Phinney, the only abolitionist we've met so far being an insufferable shrew, and with the Union doctor being a horrible racist, I am really not sure what thesis they're trying to put forward. The Green family has the most likable characters. Emma is a lot more likable than Mary.

MC: I am hoping that as we go on, all the characters will become a bit more fleshed out than walking signboards for "I represent this side of the argument."

AP: Yes, too many grand pronouncements. Who meets Dorothea Dix and is like "Let me hold forth on my views about race and equality."

MC: If it was set anywhere other than Alexandria, I probably wouldn't keep watching. The characters are one-dimensional at this juncture. But it's my hometown, yo.

AP: Shout out to the Army of Northern Virginia.

MC: Ummm....woot? I AM UNCOMFORTABLE BY THIS.

AP: I also disliked that the only African American Mary had any contact with was like, "It's all good. I'm free. If only these racist as Northerners would let me practice medicine." Like be fair all you like, but if they're going to whitewash slavery, I'm going to call them out. I NEED A RACIST-ASS.

MC: I am sure someone will get horribly beaten soon. Don't fret.

AP: Okay. Good. I don't want my moral high horse to have been for naught. Hopefully Josh Radnor. Which is almost too bad because he looks good with the beard.

MC: And is less insufferable than Ted.

Trust me, you don't want this guy shooting you up with anything.

AP: I never watched How I Met Your Mother I was in it for the NPH for a hot minute and I got bored and tuned out.

MC: I think I watched a couple seasons in the beginning. But I wouldn't call myself a fan. As insufferable as Ted was, this guy, the doctor, who liberally shoots people up with morphine, is way better. I can't wait for the inevitable love triangle with Mary and the hot priest to kick in. Wait, I'm sorry. The hot chaplain. Or whatever.

*interlude where Arsenic Pie goes and gets her Red Baron oven pizza*

AP: The people I like the most are the Greens.They are sympathetic,and they are a nice family. And the dad is the dad from Talladega Nights. I don't like Baroness Munchausen, and the doctor is more likable than she is, and I did enjoy him telling her off.

MC: I also liked the Dad and the eldest daughter. Everyone else, including the Mother, despite being in Center Stage and a Star Trek movie, are kind of awful and insipid. Mary also looks so much like the actress who was in Scott Pilgrim it's distracting.

AP: She does. And what is Anna Sophia Robb doing on this show? Doesn't she have better things to do than lay around in a crinoline and swoon.

MC: I take it back, the hot chaplain he is my favorite character.

AP: Yes, and what a highly developed character he is,what with his two lines of dialogue.

MC: He doesn't need to speak. I can see it all through his soulful eyes.

AP: I'm telling your boyfriend.

MC: OH HE KNOWS. So, are you going to stick with Mercy Street?

AP: I might. I'll give it a go. I hated Mr. Selfridge at first, and then I ended up getting past all of the melodrama and enjoying it. But Mercy Street is kind of cliched. T

MC: The dialogue and the setting and the characters really don't stand out from anything else I've seen set during the Civil War. I'll give them a few more episodes. If nothing else for the dress porn.

MC: Keep those hoop skirts coming, ladies! So practical for nursing.

AP: It was kind of underwhelming but I honestly didn't expect that much. Hopefully, a few more episodes in and it should find its legs. Maybe Mary will kill someone with her vagina. Stranger things have happened on PBS.

MC: I am sure Lincoln will show up at some point.

AP: Those hoop skirts and corsets definitely allow for a nurse's freedom of movement.They should definitely give their costumes to Call the Midwife. I think Lincoln is due in the next episode. It's still supposed to be 1862 so we don't have to worry about him getting shot.

MC: Well, that's a relief. I am sure there will be a parade of distinguished figures through the hospital.

AP: Although, IMDB has a character listing for John Wilkes Booth.

MC: I was JUST wondering about that!

AP: I hope not, because I think that is such a cop-out to do stunt casting.

MC: And of course they'll have JWB. He was a well-known actor. Where else would he go but an Alexandria hospital.

AB: I wonder if we'll get to see him being a terrible fucking actor.

MC: This is what happens when artists get frustrated, people. They shoot presidents and commit genocide. Good thing I am a boring lawyer.

AP: I expect zero atrocities from you.

MC: When I get frustrated I just make a rubber band ball.

AP: Would you like to have some atrocities attributed to you?

MC: Let me make a Pro and Con list and get back to you.

AP: I've literally broken stress balls. No joke. I've broken like five of them.

MC: You have super strength. You are the hulk.

AP: RAAWWWWRR No stress balls are safe.

MC: No balls at all, actually.

AP: That's good news for the chaplain! We'll leave the ball-busting to Mary Phinney.

MC: That guy doesn't have any balls anyway. NAILED IT

AP: I don't know why we don't have a show.

MC: It would be a hot mess and fantastic.

AP: I concur. We'd have a zillion followers due to our wit and timely zingers.

MC: And my spectacular rack. Don't forget that, it's my power source.

AP: Your rack is far superior to my own.

MC: I should sooner pick a favorite star.

AP: You have an excellent rack. Mine are merely perky.

MC: See, we have something for everybody.

AP: And that's really all I ask. Stay perky, my friends.

MC: Once again, we have gotten completely off topic. But honestly, this is more compelling than the show.

AP: It really is.

MC: We'll be here all week. Try the veal!

AP: It's delicious Don't believe me, ASK THE DISHES.

MC: I think that's a good stopping point. We covered the basics.

AP: It's always good to know when you should throw in a good "Be Our Guest" reference.

MC: It really brought the whole thing home.

AP: It really tied the room together.

Time to go, I'm off for another day of nursing dressed all in white with my corset and 20 layers of underwear! I just need to navigate all the street cat-callers first....

Mercy Street airs Sundays at 10PM on PBS. Check your local listings for channel information.

Wolf Hall

Wolf Hall, a British miniseries about the rise of Thomas Cromwell in the Court of King Henry VIII (based on the books Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel), is currently airing Sunday nights on PBS as part of Masterpiece. Being connoisseurs of all things British, Arsenic Pie and I took to the internet for a bit of a chat about the show the other night. The bottom line is that we are both enjoying it, but we are also both fans of Tudor history. If the Brits aren't your bag....you may find the series a bit slow. Think of it as West Wing: Tudor Edition.

Maggie Cats: Have you read the books?

Arsenic Pie: I have not, have you?

Maggie Cats: I read Bring Up the Bodies for book club--I remember enjoying it, but I have a strong background in Tudor history from college, so it wasn't all that revelatory. What the show is doing character wise is striking me as more interesting.

Arsenic Pie: I took a British history class my freshman year. So I'm pleased to see Henry VIII as appropriately gouty and dickish.

Maggie Cats: You're an expert!

Arsenic Pie: I am totes the expert.

Maggie Cats: Let's talk about Henry; even though he doesn't appear hardly at all until the second episode, he's the reason people tune in.

Arsenic Pie: I love me some Damian Lewis. He plays a good asshat. See: The Forsyte Saga.

Maggie Cats: This is one of the more "realistic" portrayals of Henry I've seen. Henry was somewhat of a study in contradictions. Smart, but a slave to his id. He loved music and poetry (and wrote it) but also loved the outdoors and sport. I feel like this is the first time I have seen the character of Henry VIII portrayed as a smart thinking man in addition to the physical stuff. And can I just say, thank god they cast an ACTUAL GINGER THANK YOU.

Arsenic Pie: They're a dying breed. They're rare. They need to be utilized before they go extinct.

Maggie Cats: Have you heard about the Ginger Preservation Project?? *she said ringing the doorbell and holding out a flyer*

Arsenic Pie: Where can I sign up? Do you have an info booth? Is it the one located next to SPEW? 

Maggie Cats: We have our own facilities at Strawberry Preserves. We need to get the word out. But I digress. What do you think of Lewis' Henry?

Arsenic Pie:I think he is perfect for the part. Usually Henry is all bloated and walking around burping while he gesticulates with a turkey leg, but Lewis has got this on lock. *Let it be noted here that AP is gesticulating wildly with a turkey leg*

Maggie Cats: It's true that he is either portrayed as fat and slow or hot forever like in The Tudors. He's usually shown as a caricature. What about Mark Rylance as Cromwell? I love how he is quiet, but you still absolutely get his genius and ability to read people.

Arsenic Pie: I cannot take my eyes off him. Not that he's the epitome of male hotness, but he's really mesmerizing. I pay the most attention to him in all the scenes, even when he's sharing screen time with Jonathan Pryce.

Maggie Cats: You can really see the mind working behind the actor's eyes. Cromwell is quiet, but is always looking around and taking everything in. FOR FUTURE BLACKMAIL.

Arsenic Pie: I have always loved Jonathan Pryce. I like how he was Juan Peron. He is so not dictatory but he was great in that too.

Maggie Cats: He was pretty great as Wolsey, who honestly I found kind of pathetic. He just...didn't get it. Wolsey didn't understand the game or how to play it.  I don't know what dictatory means, but I am going to smile and nod.

Arsenic Pie: Yes, smile and nod. It is the best way to do things.

Maggie Cats: I got that part down.

Arsenic Pie: I'm super excited about Claire Foy as Anne Boleyn. She was just all kinds of crazy on Upstairs Downstairs.

Maggie Cats: She is doing really well; her Anne is also really different from Annes we've seen. Manipulative, but not super great at it. More like a spoiled child. I love it.

Arsenic Pie: It's because she's coo-coo.

Maggie Cats: Also French.

Arsenic Pie: Next thing you know she'll surrender. Because you know France. Off screen she eats cheese and complains about how much she hates Americans. But basically, it's a strong cast overall, and Mark Rylance is ruling it.

Maggie Cats: Definitely, I am just trying to enjoy the parts where he is large and in charge before it all goes south. It didn't really pay to be friends with Henry VIII. Well, maybe for a little while but then CHOP CHOP.

Arsenic Pie: Hey, he didn't kill ALL of his wives. Some of them died natural deaths.

Maggie Cats: Four of them, actually.

Arsenic Pie: Name them. Name his wives in order and the manner of their death.

Maggie Cats: Catherine of Aragon died of a broken heart. Anne B. went chop chop. Jane Seymour was ripped apart by her baby. Katherine Parr also chop chop. Anne of Cleves was too ugly so she got divorced and actually got to grow old. And the last Katherine lived to be awesome. I...might have mixed the names and orders of some of the Katherines.

Arsenic Pie: Catherine Howard was annulled and executed.

Maggie Cats: Whatever. CLOSE ENOUGH.

Arsenic Pie: Nobody ever talks about the women he DIDN'T marry. I mean historians are so biased.

Maggie Cats: There are simply too many. But at least everyone in Court had the same strain of hepatitis, right?

Arsenic Pie: Unless it mutated and turned into hepabola, yes.

Maggie Cats: So what else about the show has struck you? I'll put a shout out to the costuming which is impeccable.

Arsenic Pie: The fact that it's almost Shakespearean.

Maggie Cats: It's Shakespeare before there was a Shakespeare.

Arsenic Pie: Like you could put this side-by-side with one of the royal plays and it would hold up.

Maggie Cats: Really, what else was there to do in those days except plot and backstab and manipulate? NOTHING.

Arsenic Pie: NOTHING THEY DID NOT HAVE NETFLIX OR SMARTPHONES. Frankly I feel technology has saved us from beheadings. I would be insane without cable for sure. Imagine if someone took a selfie at Anne Boleyn's execution.

Maggie Cats: The world is fortunate there is cable. Else I would have conquered it by now out of boredom. We'd be like Pinkie and the Brain. I'm the Brain.

Arsenic Pie: I'm Pinkie.

Maggie Cats: This is why we work. So, any final thoughts?

Arsenic Pie: Wolf Hall is definitely worth checking out even if you are not into the regular PBS viewing crowd And I cast no aspersions on anyone because 80 percent of my PBS viewing is making fun of the people on Antiques Roadshow.

Maggie Cats: And definitely worth checking out for the multi-layered character portrayals and fantastic acting.

Arsenic Pie: I am really proud of PBS. They've like unintentionally become a bulwark of critically acclaimed drama.

Maggie Cats: BBC America is like their younger, slower sibling.

Arsenic Pie: But PBS still has the corner on British programming. They get stuff from ITV because they don't have to be brand loyal. So I can watch Mr. Selfridge and yell at the people in corsets.

(the conversation then devolved into a discussion of Jeremy Piven, WETA UK, and other facets of British television. It's best we wrap it up here, gentle reader.)

The Plot So Nice They Used It Twice

Anybody want to go on a Viking River Cruise? 

No? Okay then.

Kids, mama is facepalming hard over here.

So, last week's episode started off with Anna and Mrs. Hughes cleaning out the hot (literally) mess that Edith made when she tried to burn down Downton (accident, my ass). Anna finds the baby photo. She gives it to Mrs. Hughes. Edith, Mrs. Hughes IS SO ON TO YOU.

In rich white people news, the war memorial committee wants to build a war memorial. They want to do this on Robert's beloved cricket ground. Robert once again proves he Doesn't Get It. What do you think, Tom? Never mind, you're Irish and poor.

"Don't mind the nice man in the sunglasses, Tom. He's only here to erase your memory."

Jimmy is still fired for sleeping with Caroline Bingley. I'm sure he'll be back, though.

Thomas is sad that Jimmy is leaving. This is one of the few times when Thomas seems human. Yes, more of that and less of the puerile scheming. 

At breffie, Charles Blake is coming back to Downton, because he has a friend who wants to look at their della Francescas. Mary is a bit bummed because she's already promised Lord GingerAle that she will spend the weekend being his booty call. 

Rose is collecting evening gowns for Russian aristocratic refugees who have fled the Bolsheviks. She also wants a wireless. 

Escandelo!

Over at the cottage, Edith is still trying to get her baby back. Unfortunately, her child's adoptive mother does not want to give her up, since Edith's life is just the worst. 

Lord Merton is FRISKING AROUND Isobel's skirts. 

"Then Lord Merton invited me to go to Cleveland with him on a steamer. I've never been to Ohio."

Mary has to be certain that there aren't any Consequences to her weekend activities, so she straight up asks Anna to go into the village and buy some Plan B. 

I am super excited about Rose's Russian refugees and wireless.

Thomas, who is horrible, decides to go ahead and tell Molesley that his lady friend Baxter is a thief. Thomas is still trying to get Baxter to snitch on Bates, so can...I don't know...

Edith tells Robert and Cora that she wants to *cough* take an interest in a little orphan girl who is living at the Drews'. They suspect nothing because, I mean, Edith ain't getting any younger. 

Anna goes into the apothecary's to get some unmentionables for Mary and the scene proceeds with all the subtlety of an after-school special. The judgey lady pharmacist asks Anna personal questions and judges her, and this immediately turns Anna into a birth control crusader. 

Daisy is coming along quite nicely with Miss Bunting tutoring her in math (Maggie and I totally called that) , although Miss Bunting is still a Commie who also mouths off at dinner. She is TOLERATED at Downton.  Anyway, Tom clearly has his hands full.

#Gangsta

Molesley is quite convinced that Baxter would not have stolen from her former mistress. but Baxter won't tell him the whole story. Because nobody tells anyone anything on this show. They just perpetually spy and eavesdrop on each other. That is easier. 

Mary tells her parents that she is hanging out with one of her aristocratic friends while she is really with Lord Gallagher (what is she? fifteen?), but she misses out on getting to spend more time with Charles Blake (!!!!) and his art collector friend, who is 1) Totally Richard E. Grant and 2) Totally hitting on Cora. I have no idea why either of these things are happening, but they are happening simultaneously.

Mary goes to meat LordGingerSnap at the hotel in London where he has booked adjoining rooms (boom chicka waka). This is a bad idea on many levels. 

LG: You may think I'm after your money. Think again. What really interests me is your sweet, sweet aspidistra. 

LM: My aspidistra?

LG: Yes, I'm an amateur botanist. The Downton aspidistra is...quite rare."

And did I mention Charles Blake? 

How YOU doin'?

I rest my case. 

Rose gets her wireless, and they all gather to listen to the king give a speech, and the Empire remains solid, and you think that all is right with the world and THEN...

A constable from London randomly shows up at Downton to say that a "witness" has come forward and wants to talk to Carson about rapey valet Green's stay at Downton. LIKE WHO CARES? I thought we all agreed that we did not care.  Green raped Anna, he ran into a bus, and he died. End of story.

Are we REALLY going to do this plot again? The plot where Bates gets arrested for a murder he may or may not have committed, but we all agree it doesn't really matter because the victim was a horrible human being. Whyyyyyy? Is the twist this time that Bates is going to get convicted and executed? And then what will happen to Anna? Will she become a family planning crusader? 

What witness comes forward two years after the fact? And why would the coppers take it seriously? Lord Gallifrey certainly has a new valet by now, so I am going to call Green's death a net gain for our fair city. The only thing that would make it even remotely interesting this time is if Anna got accused. Girl already won a Golden Globe for being a rape victim. Let's see if accused murderer works out for her as well. But seriously. Get some new material, or call it a day.

I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong? PopSixSquishUhuhCiceroLipshitz

Burn It Down. BURN IT DOWN TO THE GROUND.

Maggie Cats: Well, hello there, m'lady! So any initial thoughts on Downton's Season 5 premiere?

Arsenic Pie: Just all kinds of insane.

Maggie Cats: It was certainly lightning quick in terms of characters moving around and plots being set up.

Arsenic Pie: I like how it started two years after the end of the last season, but none of the plots had changed. I felt like Thomas was still trying to get info, and Lord Gillingham was still chasing after Mary, even though two years had already passed.

Maggie Cats: Well, Downton has pretty much recycled the same plots over and over since season 1. And yet, we still love it. How many times have we heard, "Times, they are a-changing." And yet Lord Grantham is still as useless and nobody just tells him to get a job.

Arsenic Pie: I really don't get why Thomas is still plotting. Is he still plotting to get rid of Bates? Because I feel that ship has sailed.

Maggie Cats: It's very sad how one note he has become. I think EVERY scene he had involved him at some point badgering Baxter. I don't get it. It was the biggest flaw in an otherwise pretty enjoyable episode. Why does he even care anymore?

Arsenic Pie: I know, right! Isn't there something else they can do with Thomas? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: If Thomas got laid once in a while he wouldn't be such a dick. Also, why is everyone in love with Mary all the time?

Maggie Cats: Again, see season 1. Also. Asking Mary to sleep with you. EVERYONE WHO SLEEPS WITH MARY DIES. Don't do it, Lord What's His Name.

Arsenic Pie: I KNOW!

Maggie Cats: Her vagina = death.

Arsenic Pie: I've been warning Lord Gillingham about this but he doesn't seem to be able to hear me through the TV. Also, I liked the other guy better, honestly. Well Lord Gillingham asked her to be his booty call in the season premiere so we'll see how long he lives after that.

Maggie Cats: The other guy, Charles Blake, was cuter; Lord G-Spot's teeth make me squirm.

Arsenic Pie: Charles Blake is way cuter. Also Lord G hires rapey valets. I think we're firmly anti-Lord G.

Maggie Cats:  There is that.

So...what exactly is making this a difficult choice for you, Lady Mary?

Arsenic Pie: There is that. And knowing how repetitive this show is, he's likely to do it again. And then Bates will shove him in front of bus. And so on ad nauseum.

Maggie Cats: You know, as much as I love Downton, I feel like I enjoy it more when I DON'T talk about it like this. Because I end up deconstructing it and realizing all the flaws. All the plots are the same, there is almost no real character growth (Lord Grantham is still an idiot, Edith is a sad sack, Cora is dumb as a rock...), and if I don't think about it....then I don't realize it. At this point, I was kind of hoping Edith would end up burning it to the ground. At least that would be something new.

Arsenic Pie: But Thomas got in the way.

Maggie Cats: But I will point out that was just about the only time I can remember Lord Grantham being very useful; I will admit he sprang into action and took charge when everyone else was just sitting on their asses. Thomas bumbles into heroism a lot.

Arsenic Pie: I just think the show is funny. You can't take it seriously as a drama because it makes no damn sense. But on a positive note. I like Tom's new girlfriend, the schoolmarm. She is adorbz.

Maggie Cats: OMG, she is insane. And while I do like her as a character, she is really fucking rude.

Arsenic Pie: But you know that's going to end badly.

Maggie Cats: Just because I agree with her doesn't mean it's ok to openly insult people at their dinner table. Oh, god yes. AND I LOVE IT.

Arsenic Pie: There's no way they're going to get together. THEY ARE SO DOOMED.

"Tom's going to teach me a lesson about how my attitude toward 1%ers actually makes ME the snob, and we've done this plot before, so don't mind me. Hey! Are those canapes? I LOVE canapes!"

Maggie Cats: I am sure she will get pushed in front of a bus. Driven by the proletariat.

Arsenic Pie: I bet that's what happened to Gregson.  I bet the Nazis pushed him in front of the Hitler bus. Like who goes to Germany in the 1920s? Nobody. It's just a bad idea.

Maggie Cats:  Do you think he is dead? Or will make a reappearance? I wouldn't past Julian Fellowes to have kept it open in case he has some divine inspiration reason to bring him back.

Arsenic Pie: Oh, I am sure he will reappear.

Maggie Cats: Maybe he joined SHIELD? Oh, wait that's the 1940s. My bad.

Arsenic Pie: Maybe he went TO THE FUTURE and joined SHIELD. I am totally waiting for him to reappear. Like reappear and be a Nazi. He's be like, "No, Edith. I'm totally a fascist now. And it's fucking sweet." I really don't know why we aren't writing for this show.

Maggie Cats: Ooooh, that is totally what is going to happen. "Can I have that German primer I left here? It had microfiche in it with secrets that I really need."

Arsenic Pie: Yes! Yes!

Maggie Cats: We don't write for the show because we are too good.

Arsenic Pie: Like really he joined them in secret and is passing secrets and he disappeared because he's a spy.

Maggie Cats: Let's talk some more about the Downstairs folk. Daisy wants to learn numbers, Jimmy slept with Caroline Bingley...

Arsenic Pie: Then Edith can be like, "Um. I burned it. But look! I made you a kid!" JIMMY TOTALLY SLEPT WITH CAROLINE BINGLEY WHO HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL IN THE PAST 100 YEARS.

"Yes! Barged in on us in the midst of le grande delicto to say the house was on fire! The impudence!" 

Maggie Cats: Also: Duckface from Four Weddings and a Funeral. Watching this show I sometimes feel like a British IMDB. "Oh, it's THAT guy!"

"A little lower, Jimmy! No, lower! No, not to the right. To the left. The left!"

Arsenic Pie: Yes, Duckface was there, too. I like Daisy. I never warmed to Ivy and I'm glad she's gone.So is Alfred going to realize that Daisy is sweet and true? I really do think Thomas needs to get laid.

Maggie Cats: On one hand, it's great to have a gay character. There are amazing stories to tell about homosexuals in this era. On the other, Julian Fellowes has no interest in telling those stories, and since Thomas is gay and can't date any of the downstairs ladies, it seems there are no other plots for him. This bothers me.

Arsenic Pie: Right. It's one thing to be like "Look! We're progressive with this gay character" but he never has a relationship and he's always being an asshole. It's not a positive portrayal in any way. Aren't there any hot farm lads around for Thomas? Mary has some extra dudes. He could date one of them. I really do like the other guy for Mary. He is way hotter.

Maggie Cats: I would approve of that for sure.

Arsenic Pie: When was the last time Thomas had a date?

Maggie Cats: Um, never? And I say good for Daisy, and good for Mrs. Patmore for supporting her. She's not dumb and I think Tom's teacher will start tutoring her. Daisy clearly has a learning disability.

Arsenic Pie: I thought the same thing. :( Poor Daisy. I thought she had dyslexia or something. I thought maybe Tom's lady friend could teach her.

Maggie Cats: You and me share a brain.

Arsenic Pie: Or maybe the show is just that obvious. So, let's talk about Isobel. I like how Violet is trying to get her lord friend to be interested in someone else so Isobel can't raise her social position. We wouldn't want Isobel to be ranked higher socially than Violet.

Maggie Cats: This subplot fascinates me; beyond giving Maggie Smith more chances to be hilarious, it's one of the few times we see Violet actually scared. She is TERRIFIED of Isobel being ranked higher than her.

Arsenic Pie: AND IT IS AWESOME I really do ship Dr. Clarkson and Isobel, but this plot is good for a few laughs.

Maggie Cats: When Isobel figures this out, she will probably marry that lord just to have the win. Poor Dr. Clarkson. Also, how hilarious is that Violet's butler is named Spratt. And is a total snob. Even SHE thinks he's a snob.

Arsenic Pie: Spratt is the worst. I like how he won't serve Dr. Clarkson because he's, you know, middle class.

Maggie Cats: I love it. I would want some of that cake too. Except I would have said, "EXCUSE ME, BUT I WANT SOME CAKE, YOU ASSHOLE."

Arsenic Pie: I'd just take the cake from him. I'd be like GIVE ME THE WHOLE THING. And then I'd be like WHERE IS THE FROSTING.

Maggie Cats: I would have tripped him too, and caught the cake like Edward Cullen in Twilight.

Arsenic Pie: There was no frosting on that cake. I looked. If Edward Cullen shows up on Downton Abbey I will die happy. Like as a vampire.

Maggie Cats: And then come back as an undead. Edward should date Thomas. And they can be weird and stalk each other.

HOT. 

Arsenic Pie: That would be a match. Thomas would be totally into the sparkly boyfriend thing. I bet Thomas reads Twilight. Thomas reads Twilight and so does Ivy. Edith reads it sometimes but she realizes now that it was a lie. I bet that's what Gregson's book was.  It was a German translation of Twilight and that's why she burned it. It just sucked that much.

Maggie Cats: Thomas writes Twilight fanfic. OMG. Thomas writes Twilight fanfic that becomes 50 Shades of Grey, but with two dudes and set in the 1920s. Also: HAHAHAHA

Arsenic Pie: HOLY SHIT YES.

Look out, Evelyn Waugh!

Arsenic Pie: Aaaand we are officially off topic.

Maggie Cats: Perhaps this is a good time for final thoughts.

Arsenic Pie: Overall, better than the second and third seasons. I watched all of last season on Sunday and I liked it. So I think the show has picked up some of the steam it lost. I think Matthew was deadweight. I don't miss him at all.

Maggie Cats: I actually agree, and I remember being really sad when he died. I thought it was a good premiere and did everything a premiere should. And while I enjoyed it, I was disappointed in the plot recycling and the lack of movement in characters and relationships.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, the season premiere was supposed to pick up two years after last season but nothing had really changed. It's kind of unrealistic for a couple of the plotlines not to have moved along any. I do like Rose and I like her plots. It's fun to watch the whole debutante thing because they never did that with the other girls.

Maggie Cats: Oh, definitely agree. We didn't touch on Rose, but I will say that it's surprising the show was able to add her to the cast and make her actually interesting.

Arsenic Pie: I like her. She's a good replacement for Sybil. I mostly just feel bad for Tom.

Maggie Cats: Yeah, me too. I hope he ends up leaving Downton and being happy somewhere else. You know, because he is a real character.

Arsenic Pie: I think overall the plots need to move. I don't care at all if Bates killed the valet. I think everyone agrees they don't care, so I hope they just let it go. Tom does seem the most real of the upstairs cast. He and Rose are actually the most sympathetic of the upstairs cast.

"These people are just insane."

Maggie Cats: Definitely agree. Well, it sounds like there are both promising and disappointing things about the season premiere. Let's hope the plots get moving in the weeks to come!

Arsenic Pie: Let's hope. I will continue to watch and laugh myself silly.

Maggie Cats: NOT watching Downton would be the hard part. As Violet said, avoiding your friends is the hardest thing. And scene.

Lady Mary's (Second? Third?) Wedding Cake, by Molesley Cakes & Bakery, Ripon, Yorkshire, UK

Murder Ball

I took one for the team and watched Fox's American incarnation of the British murder mystery series, Gracepoint.

Look eeento my eeeeyyesss.

As I said before, I have not seen the British original, Broadchurch, so I am basing my overall thoughts on solely my viewing of Gracepoint. I read that the show has not been renewed for a second season (why would there be a need for a second season?), but I just wanted to state my thoughts and final impressions.

UPDATED TO ADD. I FOUND OUT THAT BROADCHURCH IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX. I MAINLINED IT. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. 

So I come to you now fully informed.

The series finale aired December 11, and while it was fun guessing who the culprit may have been, the final reveal was rather...underwhelming. The overall ending of Gracepoint is like Broadchurch, but they did add a twist to the end that differed from the Broadchurch ending.

If you haven't seen either Broadchurch or Gracepoint, I suggest you stop reading this now. 

It didn't really take a genius to figure out that Det. Ellie Miller's family was involved in the death of Danny Solano in some way. The writers kept dropping CONSTANT hints that Ellie's son knew something, and they dropped CONSTANT hints that since she was working all the time, she had no idea what was actually going on at home. (A win for feminism!) 

However, they heightened the creeper factor in a way that I didn't think needed to be heightened. Finding out that her husband Joe (Josh Hamilton, of American Horror Story) was a pedophile and wanted to get into Danny's 12-year-old knickers definitely upped the ewww quotient, but in this day and age of Law & Order SVU, a pedophile dad is pretty tame for prime time TV. Even cliche. They'd been dropping a lot of hints during the run of the show that Someone in Gracepoint was a sexual predator, so the fact that it was revealed to be Ellie's husband just made me kind of shrug. They advertised this as the "ultimate twist" but it wasn't really the biggest twist I could have imagined, honestly. So, I think they lost a bit of points in the creativity department.

  I'm not a creepy perv. I only play one on TV. 

I mean, everyone in this town HAD A SECRET or SOMETHING TO HIDE and the fact that we learned, yet again, that someone in Gracepoint was HIDING SOMETHING, just made me kinda go, "Ok, yeah. We get it. Everyone in this town is messed up and weird. Who cares who killed Danny Solano because honestly? These people are screwed."

Original filmed ending of Broadchurch.

I think it would actually have been a lot more tragic if Danny and Tom Miller had been out messing around and being boys, and Tom had accidentally killed Danny, and went to his father about it, and his father helped cover it up. Or if Tom had accidentally killed Danny, then spent the rest of the night freaking out and dragging his body down to the beach, then hastily trying to make it look like he fell. But yeah, point being. It was completely obvious, from the first episode showing Tom deleting text messages, to him trying to break apart his hard drive, that Tom was involved in Danny's death somehow. Also, his completely nonplussed reaction to Ellie telling Tom that Danny had died was a big clue. Having to wait nine more episodes to have my suspicion confirmed that he killed him on accident didn't really bother me so much as I think that they should have tried to make it a little less obvious from the get-go.

We've gathered some evidence and it seems to point to you being a terrible mother.

Another change they made was in the character of Paul Coates. In Broadchurch, Coates is harmless and adorable and RORY and is into the local hotelier lady. In Gracepoint, he is just downright creepy. So creepy, in fact, he was many of the fans' prime suspect for a while. Gracepoint Paul Coats is in love with Beth Solano, and is creepy and pervy and generally the cause of many an irk. I'm not sure why they made this change for the American version. As if that town didn't already have enough creepers.  I preferred the Rory version, because he wasn't weird, and he also developed a relationship bonding with the slutty hotel lady. I guess they had to try to do something with the Coates character because he was supposed to be a priest but, um, guys? There are Episcopalian ministers in the States, too. Just sayin'. He didn't have to be Catholic. I'm just throwing that out there.

DT: You a priest this time?

AD: Yeah. You?

DT: I'm a foul-tempered, lonely, bitter, jaded inspector trying to save these people from themselves.

AD: Way to play against type.

Overall, Gracepoint was not a point-for-point copy of Broadchurch beyond the first episode. Watching Broadchurch over this last weekend showed that while Gracepoint hit all of the main plot points and for certain scenes, the dialogue was verbatim, but other episodes and scenes things went off in an entirely different direction. The last scene of Gracepoint showed a Detective Carver (Tennant) calling Ellie, who was in a hotel with Tom, and had figured out through her super sleuthing skills that he had killed Danny, and Ellie ignored his call. So, they left the door open for a second season, but Fox chose to renew the series. That was definitely altered from the original. 

So...This blows.

That leads us to the manner of death. While on Broadchurch, Joe Miller strangled Danny Latimer in an act of desperation, and Broadchurch Joe was sad and pathetic and clearly mentally disturbed, Gracepoint Joe was totally predatory and a bit freaky. On Broadchurch, Tom Miller is a bit of a red herring, but on Gracepoint, Ellie figures out that Joe is covering for Tom. Gracepoint Tom follows Gracepoint Joe and as Danny is running away, Tom confronts his father and seems to be trying to protect Danny, and accidentally hits him in the back of the head with an oar. Then Joe tells Tom to go home, and proceeds to try to cover up the murder. 

One other change they made was in the character of the lady journalist, Renee Clemons (Jessica Lucas).  I dislike her character in Gracepoint, and I don't care for her on Broadchurch, either. She is the epitome of a bad journalist, making accusations about Jack without getting the (easily available) public records and back stories about his conviction. Just a crappy, crappy journalist, but a pretty good indictment of the laziness and sensationalism that our media can become prey to. They kind of redeemed her character on Broadchurch, but on Gracepoint her arc ended at Horrible Human Being. 

I'm going to work for cable news. You yokels aren't getting in my way.

My overall take is that Gracepoint, while being a very close copy of Broadchurch, is not an exact carbon copy of the British murder mystery. It was good, but not great, but it did create a bit of an addictive factor. However, there was something special about Broadchurch that I don't think the American version was quite able to capture.  One minor detail that I observed about the British version is that they definitely showed the change in seasons. I think setting this in NoCal (*coughcoughBritishColumbiacoughcough*) was a poor choice. It's scenically quite similar to the cliffs of Wessex, but it looked like it was cold and rainy ALL THE DAMN TIME. So, I didn't get the same sense of a passage of time between Danny being found dead and Joe's confessions. On Broadchurch, Danny died in summer, and Joe was caught in late fall. Again, a minor detail, but it made a lot of difference in terms of gauging how long this case was dragging on.

What time of the year is it? Dreary O'clock.

Gracepoint is still pretty engrossing, and it is stylish, sophisticated, and moody. It is definitely worth a watch if you like murder mysteries and horrible people. 

However, I do feel the American make-up team did a better job of making David Tennant look like shit. 

There was also this.

Buuuurrrrp.

Death Becomes Pemberley

A murder, a ball, a ghost story, a secret romance, and a possibly rabid woman running amok in the woods. It must be...Jane Austen!

Look at this stuff! Isn't it neat? Don't you think my collection's complete? 

Because OF COURSE Lizzie and Darcy could not just live their 1% lifestyle without being troubled by Lizzie's batshit sister and her good-for-nothing husband, Wickham. Because you know all of what I'm about to tell you more or less happened barely after the last paragraph of P&P was written, Jane Austen put down her quill pen, and the ink dried. Do not front and say this isn't canon. You know everything went immediately to hell after the wedding. JANE AUSTEN IS A LIE. You guys, this is hilarious. Actual real JA fan fiction brought to a teevee or computer screen near you.

The action actually begins a few years into Lizzie and Darcy's marriage. The Darcys have spawned a boy named Fitzwilliam (natch). Lizzie and Darcy are planning a ball, and then Captain Denny is mysteriously (and quite inconveniently, I might add) murdered, which basically strands everyone at Pemberley until the MUHDUH is solved. So, get ready for some Regency Clue realness. 

Fine weather for a MUHDUH.

The plot will be familiar to those who have read the novel of the same name. It begins with two Pemberley servant wenches, straight of out of Downton Abbey central casting, who claim to have seen the "ghost of Mrs. Riley" in the woods. Mrs. Riley is an unfortunate figure whose ghost reportedly haunts the woods around Pemberley after she committed suicide because her young son was hanged for poaching a deer on the Pemberley property. According to the legend, her appearance foretells the onset of tragedy. Wooooooooo. Unfortunately for the veracity of the ghost tale, Lizzie encounters this same woman in the woods, and when Lizzie attempts to restore the lady's lost bonnet, she straight up hisses at her. At which point, Anna Maxwell Martin is Deeply Confused.

Is she Catwoman or WTF? Wait, which Jane Austen fanfiction am I in? Is this the vampire one? Shit.

Georgiana Darcy has grown about ten feet, and she is in the lovez with a socially awkward lawyer, which makes total sense for her, actually. However, Colonel Fitzwilliam, who was such a sweetie in the novel, is hot for Georgiana and has apparently morphed into a real shady character since we last saw him. I blame Lady Catherine. So anyone who has a real stick up their bum about Jane Austen canon should stop watching RIGHT NOW.

You mean this didn't really happen in the book? You mean they made it up? Wait...

Things are going along swimmingly in Lizzie's tricked out life, until she is unfortunately reminded of her genetic and marital ties in the form of her sister Lydia and her dastardly rake husband, Wickham. WICKHAM. MISTAH WICKHAM. 

We see Wickham arguing with Captain Denny over Something, and Denny appears to be trying to talk Wickham out of some sort of deceitful behavior (because he is the most appalling rake), and Wickham is insisting that whatever it is that he has done or wants to do is no big deal. They are interrupted by the appearance of Lydia and HOLY SHIT IT'S CLARA!

You think you've got problems? Girl, please. I have, like, no idea where I parked my Tardis.

Lydia and Wickham's story, as it is revealed, is that they were planning to crash the ball at Pemberley, since they weren't invited because awkward. They are not received at Pemberley. They're just classy like that. Denny accompanies them, and midway on their journey, the coach stops and Denny gets out and goes into the Pemberley woods. Wickham, angry, gets out of the carriage too, and follows him. What happens after that remains the mystery that we must unravel.

Lydia's story is that she heard gun shots, immediately freaked out, and ordered her coachman to complete the journey to Pemberley, leaving Wickham and Denny behind. 

She bursts into Pemberley, creating all the drama that she so dearly loves, and announces that Wickham is dead dead dead alack alack he's dead. Mrs. Bennet helpfully suggests that it might be fine because Wickham might have died in a duel, and that sends Lydia into a fresh round of hysterics.

No, no. Tell the nice man from the newspaper I'm your momager, honey. 

Darcy and the other menfolk launch an expeditionary force to find Wickham and Denny, and they find Wickham sobbing over a super dead Denny. The game is then afoot! Wickham is, of course, the main suspect.  This is where things get mysteriously mysterious because everyone agrees that Wickham -- cad, reprobate, dipsomaniac that he is -- is not a murderer. Everyone also agrees that Lydia and Wickham probably know a lot more than they are telling.

Wickham: He's literally wearing a red, shirt.

Lydia: I know, right.

Darcy is forced to set off for the magistrate, an aging hippie named Mr. Hardcastle. Hardcastle and the Darcys have bad feelings between their families, because Hardcastle's father was responsible for prosecuting Mrs. Riley's son, and who had pushed for the boy's hanging. This was against the older Mr. Darcy's wishes. Hardcastle requests to see the sleeping Wickham, and then goes to meet the local barber veterinarian butcher doctor, to inspect the dead Denny. They determine that Denny died not from a gunshot wound, but someone gave him a jolly good whack on the back of the head. Ouchie. If it hadn't happened in the woods, I would have guessed it was the professor in the wine cellar with a candlestick.

Cause of death: Being an ancillary.

Wickham is later arrested for the murder, sending Clara, I mean Lydia, into further hysterics. The trouble is, no one really believes that Wickham committed the murder, and it may be up to Lizzie and Darcy to solve the murder, probably primarily Lizzie since she was on Bletchley Circle and so she has practice with that sort of thing. So now Lizzie is going to have to Do The Right Thing and clear the name of a man she hates. Is this going to be the redeeming of Wickham? Does he really need to be redeemed? Can't he just be a giant asshat? I haven't read the book, so I have no idea how it ends. I may or may not be hoping that the twist will turn out that Mr. Darcy killed Denny because he's a robot alien sent to destroy us all (much like Tom Hiddleston).

You think he's real, ladies? Come. On. Clearly aliens sent him to take us down.

In that case, I'm hoping that it's revealed that The Doctor sent Clara into Pride & Prejudice to pretend to be Lydia in order to catch the Darcybot before he can destroy Pretend Regency England. And Fantasia as well.

Exteerminate! Exteerminate!

But the real enemy, as it turns out, is not the Darcybot, but Lady Catherine, who is, of course, the Giant Cockroach Queen.

A girl can hope.

My overall reaction is that I thought this was really fun. If you really take Jane Austen seriously, then perhaps this isn't the movie for you, but if you are all about murder mysteries, costumed aggression, and people sobbing in corsets while flailing around big, fancy houses

#Swag

then this is right up your alley. Maggie Cats says she has actually been to the P&P house, which makes me jelly. I kid about Jenna Coleman as Lydia, but I really think she is a brilliant choice for that part. She is not a person I would have thought of immediately to play Lydia, but seeing her in the part makes total sense. I also enjoy the casting of Rebecca Front as Mrs. Bennet. She is the no-nonsense Chief Supt. Jean Innocent on Inspector Lewis and it's fun to see her take on a role as removed from her Lewis character as the flighty and clueless Mrs. Bennet.

The next installment of Death Comes to Pemberley airs on PBS during Masterpiece Mystery. In my area that means Sunday at 9 p.m. EST. Check local listings for dates and times.