How "The Keepers" Reimagines True Crime Stories

Quick, think back to the last true crime mystery that you watched or read about. Maybe it was Serial or Making a Murderer or whatever you happened to see on Investigative Discovery last night or maybe even The People v. O.J. Simpson. Do you remember the name of the killer (or accused killer)? So long as the story is still fresh in your mind, I’m betting the likes of Adnan Syed or Steven Avery or O.J. Simpson are in your head. Now next question – do you remember the names of the victims?

Sometimes victims become as unintentionally famous as the people who killed them. Most times they fade into obscurity, unless they become part of the zeitgeist like Nicole Brown Simpson or Hae Min Lee. But whenever we watch movies about them or read stories or listen to podcasts, we almost always lose sight of the victims because we tend to get the story more or less from the perspective of the killer, accused or otherwise. There’s a practical reason for this, of course – dead people are notoriously hard to get on the record whereas accused or convicted killers can be interviewed.  That dynamic creates a skewed view on crime where the victims become cyphers, unable to give us the answers we really want.

So what if you had a crime story where the victim of the murder could still speak? Answer that question, and you’ve got Netflix’s new documentary series The Keepers. The series examines the murder of Sister Cathy Cesnik, a nun and Catholic high school teacher in Baltimore in 1969. And before you get too checked out, this is not a story about ghosts or mediums or mistaken identity or any other trickery. It is, however, about how the victims of a murder (mostly) survived.

Catholicism, man. Amirite?

A quick note: It’s hard to have traditional spoilers in a true crime story, especially one that officially remains unsolved. But The Keepers takes viewers on such an intense ride that if you prefer to experience the story with all the emotional twists and turns that the series intends you to experience, you may want to stop here and go watch the first three episodes before reading any further. The series is full of revelations and I’m only going to review a few of them briefly, but if that’s a concern for you consider this your spoiler warning.

Now that that’s taken care of, let’s explore the facts of the case. In 1969, Sister Cathy Cesnik was a 26-year-old nun living in Baltimore and working as a teacher. Not that much older than the girls she taught, she was popular and well-liked. Several of her students, now women in mostly their late 60s, recount how close they felt to her and inspired by her they were.

Sister Cathy began her teaching at Archbishop Keough High School, an exclusive all-girls Catholic school. She taught English and Drama for several years, but despite a strong tenure at Keough, Sister Cathy nonetheless left the school at the end of the 1968-1969 school year and took a position at a local public school with another young nun in her order. The two nuns even opted to live together in an apartment in West Baltimore. The move was part of an experiment in which nuns would try to live among the world rather than in cloistered lives.

On the evening of November 7, 1969, Sister Cathy left the shared apartment and drove in her car a short distance to a shopping center to buy an engagement present for her sister in Pennsylvania. Along the way, she cashed a paycheck and stopped off at a local bakery. She left around 8:00pm. When she hadn’t returned home around midnight, her roommate Sister Russell called a priest and mutual friend, Rev. Koob who drove to the women’s apartment. At 4:30am, Rev. Koob discovered Sister Cathy’s car parked illegally less than 100 yards from the apartment building. The car was dirty and had twigs and debris inside. (In a weird coincidence, Sister Cathy’s apartment was located near the spot where Hae Min Lee’s body would be found 30 years later. Stay classy, Baltimore.)

Baltimore Policy conducted a basic search, however they reportedly didn’t see any evidence of foul play or violence. Sister Cathy would be officially missing for almost two months until on January 3 when two hunters discovered her partially-clothed body in remote wooded area not far from her home. An autopsy revealed that she had likely died due to a skull fracture caused by a blunt instrument to the back of her head.

From there, the case went cold. It remained largely inactive for almost 25 years when something happened that began to shed new light.

Enter these two jerks

In 1994, a woman in her 40s came forward to say that she had attended school at Archbishop Keough during the late 1960s. She alleged that for three years, from her sophomore year until graduation, she was routinely, systematically, and sometimes violently raped by a member of Archbishop Keough’s staff, Father Joseph Maskell, who served as the school’s counselor. The woman recalled detailed events where Father Maskell would call her into his private office, demean her as a “whore” and a “slut” and then rape her, telling her that only by having sex with him could her soul find forgiveness. What’s more, he routinely arranged for her to be raped by multiple men at the same time, often in his office with the door locked while he watched. Some of these men, the woman later learned, were high-ranking city and police officials.

While the woman’s reports were shocking, what really grabbed public attention was another detail: the woman claimed that not only had Sister Cathy known something about these attacks, but that Father Maskell had taken the woman to see Sister Cathy’s dead body a few days after the nun went missing. And what’s more, she may not have been the only one exposed to all this; there could be others.

Tom Nugent (no relation to Ted), reporter, shows the headline of his 90s era article re-opening the case

And therein lies the detail that separates The Keepers from other true crime series that I’ve seen. Unlike most that focus on the accused, The Keepers has access to the victims and investigates the events surrounding Sister Cathy’s murder and Father Maskell’s alleged conspiracy and sexual assaults through the eyes of people who were witnesses to them because it was happening to them too. Sister Cathy is a victim, to be sure, but the story quickly grows to encompass a number of victims who have spent more than 40 years unable to tell their own stories.

The Keepers is dense, but immensely watchable. As I binge-watched it with a friend, I turned to her after one episode and said out loud, “How are there four more episodes to go? There’s so much information here; how are they going to keep shedding new light on this story?” And yet, with each episode, the creators do.

This is largely thanks to the access they have not only to the still living victims of the crimes committed at Keough High School, but also thanks to the small sorority of women who, nearly 50 years later, are still dedicated to getting to the bottom of the murder of a teacher they loved and respected so much. What this means is that the narrative of the series is almost entirely told through the voices of women, most of them middle-aged or older. The women in this story have been abused, literally and figuratively, by a variety of forces and personages and they’re only now getting to tell their stories. That makes The Keepers a natural expression of the nascent “Nevertheless, She Persisted” notion.

Abbie (r) and Gemma (l), the amateur investigators still trying to piece together the crimes. AKA #Heroes.

As such, the series gives out a measure of justice, but justice is like Schrodinger’s cat – it both exists and doesn’t exist at the same time. These women finally get to tell their stories and be believed, but of course many of the perpetrators of the crimes done to them are long dead, having escaped whatever worldly justice the law could have meted out to them. There’s a sense throughout the series that history has already passed much of this story by, making it even harder to gain any sense of closure about these events. In a timely, though unrelated event, Keough high school, now officially named Seton Keough High School, announced last fall that the school would be closing its doors for good once school lets out this summer.

Crime and punishment are almost always, by their nature, reactionary things. It’s in keeping then that the way we’ve talked about both of those things has been reactionary as well. The Keepers represents an attempt to change that narrative, if only by looking at those concepts from a different perspective. The results are fascinating to watch.

Hannibal - Why it was great and why it was canceled

So, two years ago, my fellow TV Sluts blogger Clovis gushed about the season two finale of NBC's Hannibal. Having now binged it all the way into the midst of Season 3 on Amazon Prime, I feel qualified to render my verdict.

The first season was genius. The second season was fun to watch. The third season got decadent and, in my opinion, boring.

For those of you just tuning in and who also hate to click on links, let me summarize NBC's Hannibal. It is based on the Thomas Harris novels involving the character Dr. Hannibal Lecter, whom you may remember Sir Anthony Hopkins playing in a movie over twenty years ago.

I'm not the biggest horror buff, but apparently what makes good serial killer horror fiction is to put Batman-worthy supervillains in a "normal" world where Batman doesn't exist. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is a serial killer who eats parts of his victims. He also happens to be in excellent shape and a decent martial artist. And that "Dr.?" It's because Lecter's both a capable surgeon and an incredibly talented psychiatrist, not to mention an all-around super genius with encyclopedic knowledge of modern police forensics. He also draws, plays the harpsichord and theremin, arranges flowers, and has a sense of smell so good he can identify when someone he recognizes is in a room with him. As you can see from the picture above, Hannibal Lecter's a snazzy dresser.

Seriously, I'm not entirely sure how someone not a member of the Justice League stops Hannibal Lecter.

The TV show features the continuing cat-and-mouse between Dr. Lecter and Will Graham, an FBI profiler who is "super-empathic," meaning he's basically psychic when it comes to looking at crime scenes - able to see how it was done and why. While this is sort of a super-power, it's kind of a crummy one, especially since Mr. Graham feels very hard, like an Imagine Dragons song, so the more he does his super-killer-detector mojo the more it hurts him psychologically.

In the TV series, Dr. Lecter is played by Mads Mikkelsen, who brings a more "coiled spring" energy to Dr. Lecter than Sir Anthony.

Obligatory joke.

The other notable thing about the show is that the killing is truly, truly disturbing, even for a show about deranged serial killers. One of the things Hannibal loves to do is feed people to other people without them knowing, like a sick joke. He's a gourmet chef; NBC had DC-area chef Jose Andres and a "food stylist" consult on every episode, so most episodes Hannibal Lecter will serve something to a police officer or innocent civilian that looks like this:

He said it was pork. It looks really tasty.

And then, often, you have to guess whether it's the person he killed earlier in the show. Sometimes that's explicit, but not always.

"I love organ meats," said Tom, heartily.

They all look amazingly good.

This was said to be fois gras. It would be improbable for it to be a person's liver, but Hannibal Lecter does have a giant murder dungeon under his Baltimore home where he does things like pickle people's body parts in wine and feed them to snails to give the snails an extra "oomph" of flavor. So unclear.

And the show spends long, lingering shots watching people eat them.

Prior to these passed appetizers being made, we watch a montage of Hannibal Lecter selecting folks to murder. Are these little flowers beef tartare? Some of them are, certainly. But how many? 

As I said in my summary above, the first season is great. It's a tightly-plotted "serial murderer of the week" where Will Graham is chasing down multiple crazy people for the FBI while Dr. Hannibal Lecter acts as Will's therapist to keep Will's psychic powers from making him feel too hard. As a horrible human being who eats people, Dr. Lecter does not do this. Instead, he plays games with Will and other folks.

In season two, Will Graham has figured out that Hannibal Lecter is actually a cannibal serial killer with really good aesthetic taste, and Will tries to set traps to get Hannibal caught or killed. This season is suspenseful and well-timed, but a little crazier. Plausibility drops a bit. There are many too many dream sequences and hallucination scenes, as well as sex scenes that illustrate why you shouldn't bother having sex scenes on network TV (oh boy! People writhing artily under sheets or with CGI for three minutes! This is both uninteresting and unnecessary!). There's a B-plot involving a murderous pig farmer and his Italian good squad that added nothing whatsoever to the story other than some gratuitous violence and grossness. That said, I cared about what happened and didn't think the plot twists were too manipulative. And the finale? Like Clovis, I thought it was well-done. If the show ended there, it would have been great. But it didn't.

In season three, Hannibal Lecter, having blown his cover in America when basically the rest of the cast showed up in the season two finale to try to kill him (and he does a much better job trying to kill them in return), is now in Italy having some weird cannibalistic murder-themed codependent relationship with his ex-psychiatrist, played by Gillian Anderson. Everyone's still doing a great job acting, but the plot has become decadent. It goes from twisted murder to twisted murder, with gross revelation thrown in from time to time, without any real suspense. By the time Will Graham found a random Japanese woman guarding a prisoner in Dr. Lecter's snail-filled abandoned Lithuanian castle, with no good reason for any of those things to be and after multiple pointless and gross flashbacks where Eddie Izzard was forced to eat parts of himself, I said to myself, "Netflix has season 3 of The Blacklist on now, so I can see over-the-top plots with murderiness without all the self-seriousness." And I dropped the show like a hot potato. As did NBC.

Season 3's decadence also made me intolerant of the DC-area ignorance of the show's writers and editors in the first two seasons. Will Graham lives in "Wolf Trap, Virginia." This is actually a census-designated place in Fairfax County, but apart from the census bureau no one calls the area around the Wolf Trap Center for the Performing Arts "Wolf Trap, Virginia." Even Wolf Trap's physical address is "Vienna, Virginia." I don't know what kind of 3 to 5 acre farm Will Graham owns in "Wolf Trap," but he's crazy not to sell it to a townhome developer like every other large tract of land in that part of Virginia has been since at least 20 years now; seriously, people are taking parking-lot sized chunks of Fairfax County to build new homes on, housing there is that crazy. The show was filmed in Canada. The police did not wear Fairfax County police uniforms, probably because having policemen who look like city police in gray uniforms would make no sense in crazy alternate universe farmland Vienna, Virginia ("where'd those suburban cops come from?"). But I noticed that they just pulled the sheriffs' uniforms from Fargo out for costuming. Don't get me started on driving times between Vienna, Baltimore, and Quantico. Traffic alone would make Will Graham crazier than analyzing a murder scene.

Okay, I got that out of me. Trust me, you'll ignore it too if you only watch the first two seasons of Hannibal.

American Horror Story: Freak Show

Fellow TV sluts, I know what you're going to say. "Maggie Cats," you wonder. "Why didn't you guys recap or even discuss the most recent season of AHS?" 

My failure is of a personal nature, I didn't actually get a chance to watch the Freak Show season until just recently. "But wait a minute. Didn't Clovis handle all the AHS-related stuff?" Well, yes, he did. But the reason why he didn't write any recaps for this past season is very simple. And it comes down to one very simple fact.

Clovis is terrified of clowns. 

I KNOW! Who would have thought? The blog's obligatory shot of testosterone, the only male writer on staff, afraid of clowns. Not that it's an uncommon fear. Lots of people don't like clowns. And who can blame them. 

Coulrophobia: Fear of Clowns.

But this means that AHS: Freak Show passed by our blog mostly without comment. And that's a damn shame because this was the strongest season of the show. 

While seasons past clearly relied on the "let's throw every plot device we can think of at the wall and see what sticks" method of writing, Freak Show felt like an actual story that was cohesive with a clear idea of where it was headed. While (for me) it lacked the simple scariness of the first season and the what-the-fuckery of season two, there's no denying Freak Show held together better than it's predecessors and still had its fair share of terrifying and cracktastic moments.

One of the strengths of the show has always been its cast, and with Freak Show, it seems Ryan Murphy finally hit upon the perfect combination. The ladies have always been the real stars of AHS and in Freak Show, Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Angela Basset, and even Emma Roberts, chew the scenery and act the shit out everything they are given. But they also never let you lose sight of the humanity behind the curtain. One of the subplots I loved was how the women won and lost power both on stage and off. 

And if you can have Kathy Bates running around with a beard and Angela Basset with three breasts while making a point about feminism then YOU GO, GIRLS. 

And of course, because it's AHS, this season was chock full of blood, gore, horror, and the blackest of humor. The motivations of each character were as typically changeable as the wind and there were no real good guys. But that's part of the point really--and while the "the real freaks are the people outside the tent" theme is a little obvious, when the show is this most fun (and terrifying) to watch, who really cares. Murphy delivered on the promise of an American horror story. As Clovis would say, "it does exactly what it says on the tin."

Oh, and of course, there were truly scary clowns. 

I genuinely cannot decide which is scarier: Twisty the Clown or Pennywise from IT. Anybody want to weight in?

Finally, what do we do know about AHS Season 5? According to the AV Club, it will focus on a hotel and will feature Lady Gaga. 

SOLD. 

Nighty night, kids. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

The Bell Tolls for Thee

Last Sunday, Lifetime aired the made-for-tv-movie: The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. As a child of the 90s, Saved by the Bell came around at a formative period in my life. Everyone wanted to be cool like Zack, pretty like Kelly, smart like Jessie, buff like Slater, and sassy like Lisa. I guess nobody wanted to be nerdy like Screech, which pretty much explains why this movie got made. Yes. folks, Dustin Diamond is STILL carrying around his SBTB baggage, and this explains the movie--which is based on his book, Behind the Bell.

Surprisingly, I didn't think the movie was terrible, but it basically failed to consistently entertain as it wasn't able to pick a stance or point of view and stick with it. Fellow TV Slut, Arsenic Pie, and I obviously have many opinions about the movie, and we invite you to read them. You're welcome. 

Maggie Cats: Ok, so moving on to the clearly vital topic of the Saved By The Bell movie.

Arsenic Pie: It was fucking glorious. Although I was expecting it to be must more salacious.

Maggie Cats: I have two initial thoughts. First, that the actually most interesting part of the movie was (I thought) about the studio suits and producers who fought to keep it on the air. This is ironic, because when they pitched it, it was "all about the teenagers rather than the adults." But the teenagers were boring. Second, that nobody gives a shit that Dustin Diamond was a nerd and felt left out by the popular kids. Maybe it wasn't that he was a nerd, but that he was actually a spoiled brat who was fucking weird.

AP: I thought the kid was way too cute and adorable to be Dustin Diamond. He had a Screech fro but he was a pretty good looking kid .

MC: This is true. But the character of Dustin Diamond as written for the movie was basically intolerable. Mark Paul was way more interesting...sorry, Dustin. But I don't care that you took up drinking because NOBODY LIKES YOUUUUU.

AP: I believe that he was probably that much of a little shit, though.

MC: Oh, me too. Absolutely. I mean, he did write the book was based on. Probably because he couldn't find any other work. OH SNAP.

AP: He should have gone the sex tape route. Wait didn't he try to?

MC: I thought he did? Or he made a porno or something? He definitely did something gross like that.

AP: This is what I did for you fellow, TV sluts. I googled "Dustin Diamond sex tape."

MC: OH GOD.

AP: That's in my search history now.

MC: You are a braver soul than I. Part of me wants to know about it and part of me wants to run screaming.

AP: My first search result is about how he regrets Celebrity Fit Club. You don't want to see grainy images of DD's bare ass?

MC: NO. Moving on, what did you think of the movie having the Dustin "character" as the narrator? So basically Dustin was the "Zack" of the movie?

AP: I didn't care for him as the focus because I wanted more focus on the other characters. They were all way more interesting.

MC: I totally agree. I get that he wrote the book and is why the movie got made, but it just made the film feel so slanted.

AP: There was very little of Tiffany-Amber. I liked the kid they had playing Mark Paul. He was interesting.

MC: He was my favorite by far. The best actor as well.

AP: The stand-out was the girl who played Lark Voorhies. She was spot on. Like they nailed the casting.

MC: The scenes between those two characters were the best; I did not know Lark was a Jehovah's Witness so that was an interesting revelation.

AP: I wanted more of their relationship.

MC: Though it seems as if nothing ever came of their flirtation. I wonder how accurate that is. The depiction of their relationship I mean, though if she is a serious Jehovah's Witness, I guess not much actually happened.

AP: I don't care. I"m totally shipping them. I kinda felt a little bad for DD because he was the one geeky guy with two much better-looking male co-stars. But I got kind of sick of the whining and how bitter he was. He could have quit at any time. I felt like he didn't get how things in that industry work.

MC: Exactly. It's like, "I understand how this must have been frustrating but OMG SHUT UP ABOUT IT." Especially since like 75% of America felt the same way when they were a teenager. And we all got over it without making sex tapes and writing a bitter lame supposedly "tell-all" book.

AP: I know it's mean but if you want to be the romantic lead who gets all the girls you have to look a certain way. There was nothing tell-all about the movie. I wanted more salaciousness. They just looked like really normal, decent kids. I thought they'd be all into destroying hotel rooms and stuff but nay.

MC: I know, right? Don't go trying to make drama, Dutsin.

AP: Like tell us how Elizabeth Berkeley had Mr. Belding's love child.

MC: Think about how interesting the movie would have been if they had actually based this on interviews with everyone and it was more accurate. It doesn't need to be manufactured drama, just tell the story how this unlikely show because a huge hit.

AP: I felt like they went in that direction, then pulled back to focus on Dustin. There's not much else to Dustin except he felt left out. Which is kind of stupid when you think about it because everyone loved him. He just wasn't getting the type of attention he wanted. I wanted to know more about Lark's life, and MP's relationship with his parents, because I could be wrong about this but I believe he sued them at one point.

MC: You are totally correct; there was that one scene where he fought with his mother about his money, and it was really interesting. They both had valid points. Tell me THAT story. About a teenager on a hit show who makes a couple missteps but is overall a nice person trying to negotiate all this craziness.

AP: Yeah, I definitely wanted to know more about Mark-Paul and his parents. Mario's characterization was just he was A.C. Slater in real life. Tiffany-Amber just seemed kinda there. Elizabeth seemed like Jessie but in real life.

MC: I wonder if they were that dull or if it was just the way this story was told.

AP: But DD kept claiming how they were all hooking up all over the place and the only hint of that I saw was with Mark Paul and Lark in that one scene. I think it was the way the story was told. They touched on Elizabeth wanting to do more serious work, then they dropped it.

MC: There was that one moment where he narrated, "if you were wondering who we were dating in real life just look at who we were dating on the show." But then it never actually showed any of that. So I was like, WHUT.

AP: It was poorly edited. They showed Mark Paul at the party, and then the next scene was him getting chewed out for doing shit but they didn't say what that shit was. I want some Ferris Bueller level messing around. Overall I was left wanting more.

MC: Yeah! For a story that is probably largely fictionalized, it just wasn't that interesting.

AP: Like drive your car into a pool, Mark Paul.

MC: Either make it ridiculously scandalous, or tell me the true story of the show. I think you mean his motorcycle.

AP: Impregnate the hell out of Hayley Mills.

MC: If he had run the motorcycle over Mario in that one scene it would have been amazing.

AP: I feel like Mario's last words would have been, "Preppy..." See we could have written this script. Why aren't we in charge?

MC: You know, I ask myself that every day. Perhaps the world just isn't ready for our brilliance.

AP: We're unappreciated in our own time.

MC: It's true. But just wait until the TV Sluts The Unauthorized Story comes out.

AP: We'll include a portion with how Clovis impregnated Hayley Mills. And how we were doing lines of pixie stix. And throwing actual food at the TV.

MC: That all actually happened though.

AP: I will talk to E! and do the True Hollywood Story.

MC: And also Behind the Music on VH1.

AP: Yes. Yes, we need one of those as well. I want so badly to be in one of those confession booth thingies.

MC: Next time you visit we will do a vlog entry.

AP: And I want to be subtitled. I don't care if I sound educated and Midwestern. SUBTITLE THE HELL OUT OF ME. We should way do a vlog. With sock puppets. We can subtitle it for our Honey Boo Boo viewing demo.

MC: Final thoughts on the movie?

AP: Saved By the Bell: The Unauthorized Story. Yay. Just not that unauthorized. Just not that scandalous. I was left wanting more. Saved By the Bell: The Musical?

MC: It tried to tread the middle ground between salacious and telling the true story, and failed at both. And it made me wish for the more boring actual story--so probably not what they were going for. My absolute final thought: GET OVER IT, DUSTIN DIAMOND.

AP: There wasn't enough development of the other kids on the show, who were interesting in their own right. They should reboot the show. Except do it meta. With them playing the cast of Saved by the Bell but also playing themselves. I'd watch that. There should also be a Broadway musical in the works. Where can we pitch this? Again I ask of the universe why we are not in charge.

Essential Halloween Viewing

Ah, Halloween. Who doesn't love a holiday centered around candy and scares? And like most holidays, there is essential movie and television viewing that can help get you into the spirit. Here are some of my picks for your Halloween viewing entertainment.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown: Without question, this is the quintessential Halloween special. From Charlie Brown's, "I got a rock" to Sally's tirade against Linus in the pumpkin patch ("I MISSED TRICKS OR TREATS!"), this special is all it takes to get me into a Halloween mood. Sure, it's not scary, but sometimes family friendly will do the trick just as well.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown airs tonight on ABC at 8:00.

Hocus Pocus: Speaking of family friendly, this movie about the three Sanderson witches resurrected in modern day Salem isn't going to send you hiding behind your couch. But it IS going to be full of awesome like Bette Midler's teeth, Sarah Jessica Parker's ditzy witch, and some pretty fun musical numbers. Throw in a talking cat, lame teenage romance, and a large amount of cheesiness and you have a classic Halloween flick.

Hocus Pocus is NOT airing on Halloween which is a travesty of epic proportions. but you can find clips online like this one on you tube:




Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas: You could really just put "any Tim Burton movie ever" on this list and call it a day, but my personal holiday fave is this animated musical. The visuals are stunning, the songs are catchy and fun, and it mashes up my two favorite holidays. Plus, if you were a kid I am thinking you might find it kind of terrifying. I mean, it features a clown with a tear-away face. That shit is frightening.

Ok, enough of this family friendly crap. Let's get to the good stuff--what to watch if you want to be terrified. This website has a nice roundup of the specials and movies airing on Halloween night (like various entries in the Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises and even the Rocky Horror Picture show), but this is a tv blog. Which means I am going to list some of my favorite scary television episodes ever.

The X-Files, "Home":A family of mutant incestuous rednecks who haven't left their super creepy house in 10 years? DO NOT WANT. And yet, this episode is pretty much the bench mark for terrifying television. The image of the virtually limbless Mama Peacock rolling herself out from under the bed has haunted me for years (seriously, childhood trauma), and other parts of the episode are still burned into my mind. And psyche.

Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, "Hush": I remember when this episode first aired. I was watching it alone in my dorm room my sophomore year of college and The Gentleman scared me so badly, I had nightmares. The creepy score and arm-waving straight jacket wearing minions didn't help matters. It's Buffy at its finest (and scariest) for sure.

Trick or treat, motherfuckers.

Doctor Who, "Blink": Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Who knew statues could be so fucking terrifying?

Supernatural, "Ghostfacers": A departure from the usual Supernatural style, Ghostfacers featured a show within a show, as the brothers Winchester encounter some amateur ghost hunters shooting a reality show in a haunted house. Of course the house is really haunted. Usually "reality show trope" episodes of scripted dramas are super cheesy, but this one is actually genuinely frightening. And not everyone survives....(runner-up scary Supernatural episode, "Everybody Loves a Clown." NO THEY DO NOT).

All these episodes are available on Netflix streaming for your Halloween convenience. And for even more examples of scary tv episodes, check out this list from I09, which includes some pretty rockin older shows like Twin Peaks and The Twighlight Zone.

Have a happy (and safe) Halloween!

I Don't Want His Juice. I Want MY Juice. MY JUICE.

Sorry about the delay in updating you good folks on the progress of our pilgrims on Mad Men. Imma gonna do what the celebs do and plead exhaustion.

As you may already be aware, the big bombshells for last week week were that Troutshorts is gay, and that Sally Draper is going to be needing even more therapy than previously anticipated.

Dafuq?

Bob Benson revealed a secret love for Pete Campbell (really? seriously? Pete?),  ending WEEKS  of speculation about whether or not he is gay. Still unexplained is why any man in his right mind would look at the trout shorts and think he could wear them in public. Well, it was the 60s. Everyone was dropping acid. The trout shorts have really made me question Bob Benson's judgement, so maybe it shouldn't be too shocked that he has the hots for Pete. Haha. Pete. Hahahaha. His life sucks so much. Anyway, yes. Troutshorts = gay. Suffice it to say that Clovis has better gaydar than I do. I probably owe him a pint.

I'll begin by recapping last week's episode just in case anyone has been living under a rock, and stay tuned for a recap of this week's episode. Which I have yet to watch. SO NO SPOILERS. 

So last week, in the episode "Favors" (snort), my Time Warner Cable says, and I quote, "Betty makes plans for Sally's future; Peggy faces trouble at home." I think by "trouble at home," they mean Peggy maims a rat and offers Stan sex in exchange for killing it. So, way to knock it out of the park, Time Warner. 

Seriously, Peggy is afraid of rats.

Don walks into his office and Roger is raiding his bar. Should he be at all surprised by this? I'm not. 

You're all out of gin.

Don and Roger are in with Sunkist and Roger learns to juggle oranges. Look at you, Roger. You've inadvertently found a purpose in life.

In Pete's mom is dressed like Jackie O. hawking Pepto-Bismal news, Pete's mom shows up at the office with her new nurse, Manolo (Blahnik?) whom Pete has hired upon the recommendation of Troutshorts. Pete is rocking some 70s sideburns and is annoyed that MOTHER has shown up at his his place of employment. Pete takes Manolo into his office and Peggy has THE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION EVER (and that is saying a lot) with MOTHER. You think, "Omg. Omg. Omg does she know?" and then MOTHER tells Peggy she should work things out with Pete, for the sake of their child! And you're like OMG SHE KNOWS! Then, you realize that it's just MOTHER's dementia talking and MOTHER has gotten Peggy confused with Trudy.

Oopsie. Tea?

Now, tell me, dear. Are you the estranged wife or the one he impregnated?

Over at the Francis home, Betty's sucking on a cancer stick and yelling at Sally because Betty has found out from Julie's mom that Julie and Sally are the only girls signed up for the model UN team. Of course they are. Has Betty not noticed it is 1968? Betty doesn't want Sally alone with all of those boys, and Sally asks to stay with Don and Megan, because Don, unlike Betty, doesn't just think Sally is a pain in the ass. Well, he thinks she's a cockblock, but we'll come to that later.

Speaking of people Don probably shouldn't have had sex with, Don meets Mitchell, Sylvia and Arnold's son. Mitchell's paid a surprise visit to Megan because Mitch has gotten himself into a passel o' trouble. A. Passel. Kid's in school, but he sent back his draft card in protest. Like WTF. Now he's 1-A.  Mitchell was asking Megan if she could help him run to Canada, but Don tells Megan that it's not their problem.

In other ill advised decision making news, Ted's getting hammered with Pete and Peggy before he flies them back to New York. I choose to believe that this entire scene was an outtake and this is how Elisabeth Moss and Vincent Kartheiser interact in real life because it was prosh. 

So, Peggy. I don't suppose you'd...No? No. Okay. Just thought I'd ask.

Pete picks up on the sexy tension between Ted and Peggy and Pete figures Peggy's just screwing Ted. Peggy denies it and moves on to MOTHER having told Peggy that Manolo has been giving her (MOTHER) about twenty big ones a day and the thought completely grosses Pete out. Peggy thinks it's just a delusion on MOTHER's part, but Pete isn't so sure. MOTHER better not be having more sex than he is. 

The doorbell rings and oh, crap, it's Arnie. Don takes Arnie to a bar so he can commiserate, and Arnie confesses that something has been "off" with his relationship with Sylvia. Ha! Don asks Arnie if he has any connections, and they talk about their service in Korea. Don served in Korea, but he's against Vietnam and tells Arnie as much. 

Ted's wife is angry because Ted hasn't been home to spend time with his family. Ted's wife seems a lot more human in this interchange and isn't just the harpy she appeared to be when we first met her in the MLK episode.

Don pulls Pete into his office and asks Pete if he still has a contact at the Department of Defense. Pete's contact left for Union-Carbine, and Don asks Pete if he knows anyone who can really pull strings. Pete reminds Don that's he having dinner with GM, so he should ask them. Pete reveals to Roger and Don that he's been working on an Ocean Spray account, and this undermines Don and Roger's plan to reel in Sunkist.

To be fair, this WAS Roger's original promo idea. 

Ted comes out of the conference room and wants to know if we are having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Ted wants to know why Don didn't tell Ted that Don told Harry Crane to put together a prospectus for Sunkist, while Ted has been having Pete court Ocean Spray. Ted wants to know why Don hasn't been following the memos. There's been a series of memos. 

Read your effing memos, people!

This leads Ted to fling himself dramatically on the couch and whine to Cutler about how he doesn't want Don's juice. He wants HIS juice, not Don's juice. Ted's juice. He just wants to avoid a urinary tract infection. That's all!

In this can't end well news, Mitchell Rosen has raided the Jackson 5's wardrobe and, thus finished, he is standing in the foyer of his parents' apartment building. Sally walks in, accompanied by her boy crazy friend, Julie. Mitchell says he would be down for some fun statutory times. Wait. They're, like, 14. Mitchell is 19. Ummmm... Anyway, Sylvia comes downstairs and yells at Mitchell for not calling a cab, and he sulks off with  his mom, giving the audience a full view of the Donny Osmondness of this ensemble he's got on.

So, what's the limit of what we can do that won't get me thrown in jail?

Anyway, Julie's in luv.

Mitchell Rosen, circa 1998.

Speaking of inappropriate sexual advances, MOTHER is supposed to have a nice dinner with Petey and then she has to go and ruin it all by talking to Pete about the heights of Nirvana to which Manolo has been taking her dusty lady bits. I think anyone watching at this point has figured out that Manolo is probably gay and that's probably how he knows Troutshorts, but poor MOTHER is firm in her delusions about Manolo's love stick. Pete tells her he's disgusted and that's when MOTHER tells Pete what we've always known to be true: That MOTHER is disappointed in Pete. She tells Pete that he was a sour little boy and he's grown into a sour little man (tru dat) and then she wanders off into the night. And Pete just lets her go.  Pete confronts Troutshorts about Manolo and tells Troutshorts that Manolo has to go. Troutshorts reveals to Pete that Manolo's interests lie elsewhere...ahem...and...so...do Troutshorts' interest. His interests lie with Pete. Yes, Pete. Out of all the men in that office. Troutshorts likes Pete. That's what.

In awkward dinner conversation news, Don makes thing REALLY awkward at the Chevy dinner by bringing up Mitchell Rosen, even after the other partners have already broken the ice.

Cutler: Well, you should go to Florida. Saltwater. Down off the keys where the marlin run.

Ted: Write your own Hemingway story.

Roger: If you don't catch anything, you have to blow your brains out. 

Too soon?

You see, these good ole boys at GM are in support of the war, and they don't like this here talk about no draft dodgin'. Wrong move, Draper. 

Am really going to need my teddy bear after tonight. 

So, over in Sally's room, Sally and Julie are writing all the stuff they like about Mitchell on a piece of paper. We really do stuff like this when we're fourteen, fellas. No joke. You think it's just a harmless bit of fun, but Julie signs Sally's name to the letter and volunteers to "take the trash out" the next morning. She sneaks over to the Rosens' apartment and leaves it for Mitchell.

Over at Peggy's, the aforementioned rat has fallen victim to Peggy's trap, and, sans male to rescue her, Peggy calls Stan and basically tells him she'll sleep with him if he comes over and takes care of the rat for her. You were hitting on me five episodes ago, remember? Stan's actually in bed with someone and he sleepily tells Peggy that he's not coming over and that she has to deal with it herself. Peggy's not our poster girl for feminism in this episode.

At SC&P, Ted is livid that Don horned in on Chevy and made them uncomfortable at the dinner.   Ted calms down a little when he realizes Don seems sincere about helping Mitchell, and Ted reveals a contact with a brigadier general in the International Guard. Ted says he'll help if Don backs off and stops going behind Ted's back and stops chasing Sunkist.

Mmmm. Cranberries.

Deal thus brokered with Ted, Don calls the Rosens', ostensibly hoping to reach Arnie. Buuut, he has to know who is most likely to answer the phone in the middle of the morning, and he reaches Sylvia instead. Thus it all makes sense. Don awkwardly tells Sylvia what he might be able to work out for Mitchell. Sylvia apologizes for being cold to Don, and tells him she was just "frustrated" with him. Hello? HE LOCKED YOU IN A HOTEL ROOM. Okay, Sylvia. Anyway. She's grateful. Really, really grateful. 

Julie and Sally get into the cab to go to the model UN, and that's where Julie tells Sally what she's done. Sally is like, "SHIT!" and books over to the apartment building, but she's forgotten her key again. She gets the keys from the doorman, and runs upstairs. She's relieved to find the letter still on the counter, but then she hears some...noises...and whispers...and THENOMGSHESEESDONHAVINGALLKINDSOFSEXWITHSYLVIAOMGOMGOMG. 

Sally runs out of the building and Don tries to chase after her, but she's already gotten into a cab. Later that night, the Rosens arrive and personally thank Don for all he's doing for Mitchell. Sally starts yelling about how she's disgusted with Don, and Don tries to mansplain why she caught him banging the neighbor chick, and Don tells her that Sylvia was upset and he was comforting her. Yes. That's what.  Yes he wanted to comfort her. With his penis. So, as if Sally weren't already going to be in therapy for the rest of her life, she's probably going to go from three sessions a week to four.

Bottom line, parents: Do not have or talk about having sex in front of your unfortunate offspring.

In sad, sad singleton news, Pete schleps home after a day of professional and personal humiliation and pours himself some cereal for dinner. We all knew that  Peggy was going to make some cat very happy one day, and she's taken in an orange tabby. D'awww. Ted's not going to be leaving his wife and family for her anytime soon, so sometimes it's just best to accept one's fate and get oneself a feline. 

Hope you enjoyed my ranting and raving. The recap of this past Sunday's episode to arrive posthaste. Ta!