Everyone Cries When They're Stabbed

So, I just spent the better part of the last view days mainlining the Canadian gem of a show, Slings & Arrows, to the detriment of all else. Yes, yes, the first season is ten years old, but if you missed it the first time it aired on Sundance, the entire series is back on Netflix streaming. I am an uber geek and I own a box set, but if you, unlike me, spend your money on things like food, rent and bills, you can also get it on DVD from same. 

Slings & Arrows, people. OMG. Where to begin.

Slings & Arrows is a cynical behind-the-scenes look at the goings-on of The Stratford Festival  a fictitious Canadian Shakespeare festival in the equally fictitious New Burbage, Ontario. No one can ignore the fact that the show is mocking the famous and successful mecca of North American theater. However, most of the actors and writers on the show are Stratford vets themselves. Uber hottie Paul Gross portrays Geoffrey Tennant (no relation to David), the unstable yet brilliant artistic director of the New Burbage Festival, who fights the good fight against forces that would destroy good theater: apathy, pretension, commercialization, mass marketing, cynicism, corporate interference, cliche, musicals and Darren Nichols.

If you want to say something to the proletariat, just cover it in sequins and make it sing.

Geoffrey is given the job as artistic director after his former friend and mentor, Oliver Welles (Stratford mainstay Stephen Ouimette), is killed after he falls into the road drunk and is hit by a pig truck.

But not to worry, Oliver's ghost appears to Geoffrey after his death to guide him as he directs, and only Geoffrey can see him, lending more credence to everyone's belief that Geoffrey is insane. Before Oliver's death, Geoffrey hadn't seen Oliver in over seven years after Geoffrey walked off stage during an apparently incandescent production of Hamlet, which Oliver directed. Geoffrey had a mental breakdown and left, and Oliver lost his edge and began staging trite, predictable productions which relied on special effects and big-name stars as draws, rather than relying on honest productions with a core group of solid, gifted actors. Further complicating things is the fact that Geoffrey's former love, Ellen Fanshaw (Stratford and Shaw Festival vet Martha Burns), is still at the festival, but she's getting older, thus is playing Gertrude and boinking men half her age in a desperate attempt to feel young again.

Each season, the show focuses on one main production of a Shakespearean play, and OMG we get to watch brilliant acting not only from the cast, but also from the "company" of players when the productions are ready for previews and performance. Since they can't show one or two entire Shakespearean plays during the performance episodes, but we do get to see scenes from these productions, which are no less magical on teevee than I'm sure they would be in real life.

The show was written by Susan Coyne, Bob Martin and Mark McKinney of Kids in the Hall fame, who also stars as starched-shirt managing director, Richard Smith-Jones. 

The first season focuses on Hamlet, and stars Rachel McAdams as Kate/Ophelia. If you can watch her turn as Ophelia and not get chills, then you my friend, are dead inside. DEAD. DEAD LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY A PIG TRUCK.

 You mean after this I'm going to make The Notebook?

The second season features The Scottish Tragedy and Romeo and Juliet, and the third features a hysterically bad original musical and King Lear. I can't even begin to talk about how good this show is, and if you like theater, black comedy and good TV, you must get all over this forthwith. The acting is phenomenal and the writing is sharp-witted and wickedly funny. I just love Canadians. Even when they say "fuck" every other word or are supposed to be drunk or partying, they are SO ADORABLY DORKY. 

Fabulous Canadians appearing on S&A:  writer, actor and filmmaker Don McKellar as the uproariously pretentious Darren Nichols; actress, writer, director Sarah Polley as Cordelia/Sophie (her father, Michael Polley, appears in each episode as well); actor and erstwhile Gilbert Blythe, Jonathan Crombie as Geoffrey's understudy in Season 1 and Lionel Train (yes) in Season 2; Warehouse 13 star Joanne Kelly as Sarah/Juliet; the late William Hutt as Charles Kingman/Lear and the late Jackie Burroughs (Aunt Hetty on Road to Avonlea) in a minor but effective role during Season 2. 

Unlike some other shows about theater which I won't mention that try to push their preachy, phony agenda upon the masses, Slings & Arrows takes the stand that good theater does not have to be dumbed down to be appealing to the masses. It carries the message that overwrought, overly thought-out and (dare I say it) overly theoretical productions are not good theater, they are simply dishonest interpretations that are more about the director and his/her enormous ego than anything else. In Geoffrey Tennant's mind, the play is the thing.

There are only three seasons, but the story feels very complete when you finally finish the last episode. Slings & Arrows doesn't take on social problems and try to correct them in "a very special episode" and that's what makes is so true and so goddamn fucking honest. It says within the tiny world of the New Burbage Festival and struts and frets its hour upon the stage with stunning brilliance.

Teen Dreams

I am a 33 year old woman. I am a lawyer with a mortgage and other adult responsibilities. And yet, my favorite network is The CW--a network that unapologetically targets teen girls and guys with their programming.

What can I say? I guess I am young at heart. Or I relate to the problems of impossibly pretty young people in ridiculous situations.

(It's definitely not the later.)

Anyhoo, the networks have been presenting their Fall television schedules at the Upfronts all week, and I have to say that I am most excited about The CW's. Sure, we've got Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D coming up over on ABC and I admit to being intrigued about Sleepy Hollow on FOX , but can either of those compare to the amazingness of what will be Reign, a drama about the teen years of Mary Queen of Scots in France? No way, Jose. It's going to be like The Tudors meets Pretty Little Liars. Bring. It. On.

Entertainment Weekly has a pretty good break-down of The CW's new Fall shows (as well as all the other networks' offerings), and there are some other bright spots.  The Tomorrow People looks like a teen X-Men and possibly a better version of the flame-out that was Heroes--and stars the hottie cousin of the current star of Arrow. And of course, The Vampire Diaries is getting it's own spin-off in the form of The Originals when Klaus and company wave goodbye to Mystic Falls and take to New Orleans for their own show. Juries out on this one, but The Vampire Diaries has become one of the best dramas on tv (seriously) so I have high hopes.

Maybe this kind of fare isn't your thing, but if you look around at the other networks' offerings I'm betting you'll find something that looks exciting. In many ways, this is my favorite time of year for television. We get tantalizing views of what's to come without having to worry about the reality of the shows. I mean, let's be honest--Reign is going to be pretty terrible, right? But on paper it sounds amazeballs! It's like shopping for shoes on the internet; you get to look at all the pretty pictures without worrying about whether they'll pinch your toes or or run narrow.

So what are you all looking forward to from the Fall 2013 television season?

They Shot That Poor Kennedy Boy

Just a typical day at the office, folks. Don's keeping a woman hostage in a hotel room, he sets Ted drunk their first day working together and Joan's puking into a trash can. 

Wow, Don Draper. You certainly do know how to turn a girl's stomach. In this episode, we learn that Don doesn't being stuck in a private plane with Ted Shaw, but he does like keeping his mistress trapped in a hotel room.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was the Red Baron? No? It was 1917 and I was a young, idealistic enlisted man who believed in what we were fighting for. Little did I know that the war was the product of cynical men and it ushered in a cynical time...

In fact, this whole episode is about people being trapped in things. Pete's mom has Alzheimer's and she ends up trapped at his skeezy bachelor pad. 

Oh, and Bobby Kennedy gets shot. But you knew that was coming.

So then I said to her, "Stay here naked until I get back." And she did. These chicks, man. They kill me.

So, Don's headed to work one day. Or coming back from work. I don't know which and frankly, I don't really care. He hears Sylvia and Arnie Rosen having an epic argument, and Arnie's suitcase is in the hallway. Don listens to them argue, makes a sadface and presses the "Close the fucking door now button" before Arnie can storm out and catch Don eavesdropping.

At Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Alphabet Soup (new firm name TBA), there's crap everywhere. It's like Welcome Week on a college campus. Head Secretary Partner Joan is in charge of assigning female secretaries to their male bosses, but she takes a break to escort Peggy to her new office. Which has her name on it. In Magic Marker.

Colonel Sanders Bert Cooper starts off the partners' meeting and Don strolls in late. Because he's Don. Pete smarms in and is mad because he doesn't have a seat. Ted's secretary offers to give up her seat, but Ted tells Pete to take his seat and he sits on the filing cabinet. Also, there are danishes. With what looks like raspberry filling. Nummy. Henry LaMont from New York State thinks there's a conflict of interest in their accounts because SCDP's client list includes Mohawk Airlines as well as the New York transportation board. Ted thinks they should resign the New York account because Mohawk is an airline. Then one of the new partners gets angry at Pete for losing Vicks (and Clearasil as well, apparently) and Don breaks in to say that he will go upstate to soothe Henry LaMonte. He agrees to take Pete, and Joan insists that he take Ted along as well. Ted volunteers to fly them all up in his private plane. Don doesn't like the idea of Ted going or Ted flying them, but he can't defy the other partners. Cue everyone dying in a fiery crash. 

Oh, if only we were so lucky.

Really, Don could drive himself up there and take care of binnis by his own bad self, or at least have some time to get the hell away from all of you people. Pete's girl, Clara, pops in to let Pete know there's an urgent call for him, and Pete leaves the office to deal with his batty mother. Pete's mom is at Pete's apartment, which is where Pete still lives because he's not allowed home. 

Pete's ma is demanding of Pete's maint guy that she be allowed to see Pete's pop because she's convinced that Pete's dad is having an affair. Only problem is that Pops is real dead. Like real, real dead. Pete tells the maint guy to keep Mom liquored up with G&T until he can get there. Pete's brother is Bud sick of taking care of Ma, and he tells Pete it's Pete's turn. Bro of course does not know that Pete is persona non grata with Trude and that they're separated.

Bud's wife is Judy! Not Trudy!

Don welcomes Peggy back to the fold and gives his regards to Bert Peterson, who gets fired by Roger in the following scene. Nobody knows where Don's secretary Dawn is, so when freaking Sylvia calls, she gets Don directly. Since Arnie's flown the coop, she tells him she will spread like buttah for him if he comes over straightaway. Much in the manner of unoriginal hook-ups everywhere, Don agrees to meet her at a hotel at 12:30 for some nibbles.

And this is the point where Don goes off the rails. He has sex with Sylvia and it's gross and awkward and whatnot, but then, sensing lack of control in other areas of his life, he starts ordering Sylvia around. He tells her to get on the floor and crawl over to his shoes, and she refuses, but brings him his shoes and puts them on him. Then he tells her to take off her clothes and get into bed. Sylvia seems a little weirded out, but she plays along. She expects Don to undrape, but Don remains draped and heads back into work, leaving Sylvia alone in the hotel room, with orders for her not to go anywhere. Which she for some reason obeys.

Well, it's news to me that you don't respect me, Don. Frankly, I am shocked.

Over at the office, where people are doing, you know, WORK, creative is working on margarine. Peggy can't find Dawn/Don (neither black nor white, thanks, Ted), and Ted wants to do a "rap session" with the kids in creative to "free associate" about margarine. It's yellow. It spreads easy.

Nutritious, delicious frankenfat.

Peggy puts her useless margarine trivia knowledge to use and mentions that Napoleon III invented margarine as a way to feed his troops because it doesn't spoil. That is actually true. That actually happened. Can we get this girl on Jeopardy? But Ted's hearing a lot about bread. Less bread. More spread. Don waltzes in and Ted is pissed because Don was forty minutes late to the meeting.  Don takes his toast into his office and makes a creepy stalker call to Sylvia at the hotel. He orders her to wait there, with no idea of when he'll be back. Then he tells her not to answer the phone again. Sylvia starts some personal buttah time and he calls again. She follows his orders and doesn't answer, and this turns her on in a weird way. It's like phone sex tag. Or phone tag sex. Or something. Anyway, buttah. 

Don barges into Ted's office with some booze and wants to talk margarine. Ostensibly, it's a peace offering, but Don really wants to get Ted shitfaced because Don can drink the entire merged staff under the table. Don comes up with a campaign strategy for margarine, and Ted falls asleep at the creative table.

Yep.

At Pete's, Bud shows up and refuses to take Ma home. Bud's mad about a business deal of Bud's Pete didn't take him up on forever ago, and Bud won't take Ma back. Ma's place is apparently condemned because she won't clean it anymore, and Bud tells Pete it's his turn. Judy (with a J) won't deal with Mother anymore after Mother smacked her with a tea towel. She's had it. Plain had it. Pete orders Mother to say at his apartment. 

Sylvia isn't creeped out at this point by strange knocks on her door, so she opens the door to Room 503 thinking she will find Lil Dickie Whitman, but instead she finds a box from Saks. She opens it and it's a swank red dress, which she can presumably don. Pun intended. Don swaggers in and Sylvia thinks they're going out, but instead he tells Sylvia to take off the dress. Instead of running screaming out of the room, she does it, while Don watches her with this creepy evil self loathingy hatredy look in his eyes. Anyway, it gave me the irks. Then he goes home and goes to sleep next to the sleeping, clueless Megan. Nice job, Don.

Don's new special work mug?

Joan began today's festivities by puking into a trash can. Her vomiting is interrupted by likely serial killer (or at least planning a hostile takeover of the company), Bob Benson. Joan thinks she has food poisoning, but sister is in pain. Bob convinces Joan to let him help her out of the building and to the hospital. He calls a babysitter for Kevvy and scams the apathetic ER nurse into letting Joan, you know, see a doctor. Bob seems like kind of a decent guy, but then you have to remember that no one on this show is a decent person. I can't tell if he's helping Joan because he's a good person, or if he's taking advantage of an opportunity to gain a partner's loyalty because he knows the merger is creating redundancies. In either case, it's nice to see a man not treat Joan like shit for a change.

Hungover Ted's at the hospital visiting Frank the next morning. Things do not look so great for Frank. As we recall, Frank has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he is failing, despite Ted's chipper can-do attitude that Frank can beat it. Ted admits to Frank that Don pwned him, but Frank's advice to Ted is for him not to fight Don because Don will tire himself out more quickly, because Don views Ted as more of a threat to his roost than Ted views Don.

Peggy is lying in wait in Don's office. She tells him this is a Shut The Door type of convo and berates him for getting Ted drunk at work. I also really dig her outfit in this scene. Peggy's of course still twitterpated with Ted, because of both before and after zees:

Shut the front door!

Don tells Peggy she's adorably angry, pats her on the head and tells her it's just work. Peggy's still angry with Don because he doesn't respect her (WELL, DUH, YOU ARE AFTER ALL FEMALE), so she leaves and slams the door. I love how Peggy takes Don's assholery so personally, when really he is horrible to everyone. Doth the lady protest too much? Oh, she doth. She so doth.

Still no sign of Dawn. She's probably tired of everyone awkwardly hugging her.

Pete's in Harry's office bitching about how he has no clients when Clara comes in and tells him that there's an emergency at his place with Mother. Mother has set his apartment on fire and he must leave the office, presumably to swat her with a tea towel. This means Don is stuck flying up to Albany in a biplane with Ted at the helm. Don clutches at his book for some semblance of mommy control and security while Ted lets Don know that there is a mutha fuckin bad ass on this mutha fuckin plane.  

Bob Benson visits Joan and her mother thinks he is a Very Nice Young Man. And so handsome! And single! And successful! JOAN. Joan had a cyst all up in her lady bits, but she is perfectly fine. Joan's mom wants Joan to get together with Bob, but Joan sayeth she isn't interested. Then she saves him from the chopping block during a partners' meeting, and they let some other poor sap go instead of Bob. Well played, Bob. Well played.

Pete's pissed (again...yawn) when Clara informs him that Don and Ted went up to chat with Henry LaMonte and Mohawk and whoever and things are all cool. Pete had to miss the meeting because Mother is a pyro. He cries and stamps his feet because things are not going his way.

Over at the Hotel Amores Creepos, Sylvia doesn't want to spend another day naked in bed and tells Don she's not hanging around there all day while he goes out and saves the world and she plays blow-up doll. Finally, she tells him that they are done and she is going to ask Arnie to come home. After letting a man degrade her for a day and a half, Sylvia puts her stiletto down. Woo-hoo. Female empowerment. So, in a futile attempt to control someone in a world gone mad, Don learns the futility of his efforts and his existence. Le sigh. 

One awkward elevator ride later and Sylvia walks into her apartment and Don reluctantly goes back to his. He finds Megan there, chattering away about a vacation she wants to take. Don listens politely, but tunes her out. 

Later that night, at Pete's, Mother interrupts Pete's slumber by letting him know that Bobby Kennedy has been shot. Pete dismisses it as her confused rambling, mistaking JFK for Bobby. Pete's self-absorbed nature is at its full height in this episode with his obviously ailing mother-- begrudgingly helping her when  she is unable to think clearly and dismissing her during her one lucid moment.

The next morning, Megan is watching the television coverage of Bobby Kennedy's assassination and crying. Don walks in and sits on the bed, looking totally helpless. Is he thinking that he knows he doesn't love Megan and that maybe he should do the gentlemanly thing and let her go? Is he regretting how he treated Sylvia? Is he bothered by Bobby Kennedy's death? Is it all three? None?

Or perhaps something more pernicious? Perhaps he's having a vision of the future?

Coming soon (in fabulous Technicolor) to a television near you.

At least there's still the Chevy account.

Damn, it's good to be a gangsta.

Also, did you know that Death Cab is doing an Oreos commercial now? Oh, the things you learn when you watch Mad Men.

Update: I have been informed that the Oreo music video marketed directly to hipsters is by Owl City. WELL YOU SOUND LIKE FUCKING BEN GIBBARD. 

A Game of Gifs

Here's a new guest post from a long-time friend of mine...let's call him Outgoing Pete. Because his name is Pete and he is outgoing. See how that works? Anyway, Pete likes Game of Thrones and gifs. So he has scoured the internet to bring you some the best. Enjoy!

My feelings about Mondays are simple.

But not during Game of Thrones season. You see, Monday is the day when the internet blooms with all the tasty goodies from Sunday Night television. And the best of the best, the choicest of the choice are far and away the Game of Thrones gifs. (quasi spoilers below).

Take for example this gif from season 1.

Magnificent. Look how it captures the scolding look from Tyrion. I'd swear there are actually daggers emanating from his eyes. Look at the weakness that Joffrey expresses after being slapped. There are so many details, you can't hope to get it all in real time. And like fine wine it gets better with age. I love watching this more then when it first hit teh interwebs.

 Here is another great example from this season. A mashup of GoT with the mic drop meme.

No comment necessary. See this is what makes Game of Thrones gifs the best. The show evokes a visceral reaction, and so do these gifs. I mean maybe I get some loathing from Mad Men, but that's about it. But in the spirit of competition I must admit that Mad Men has its moments.

 Bam! You tell him Joan. (Joan is the best of all time -- Maggie Cats)

Still in the category of "gifs where people just say their lines" Game of Thrones still reigns supreme. And that is how I get through Monday.

ps: And as far as the pronunciation of gif goes. "it's gif, not gif, that's peanut butter man."

Secret Boyfriend of the Week: Insert obligatory "Winter is Coming" double entendre here

He's young. He's handsome. He's King in the North. He's the one, the only....

ROBB STARK.

(cue the sounds of fangirls everywhere shrieking, or more appropriately, baying like wolves)

Robb has it tough. He was forced to take over as head of House Stark following the shocking death of his father. He then went to war in an attempt to win back his hostage sisters and ended up getting himself declared King. Don't you hate it when that happens? All you want to do is kick some Lannister ass and you end up proving yourself SO AWESOME that all the grizzled old soldiers around you start calling you King. Man, if I had a dollar for everytime...

Wait, where was I? Right, Robb Stark. I mean, just look at those curls. I ask you, what man has hair that perfect? I just want to run my fingers in it. And then yank on it really hard, but that part might be just me.

My point is that Robb Stark is very pretty. Sure, he may not be the brightest bulb, but he's got lots of other great qualities. A very developed sense of duty and honor. A brilliant strategic mind, despite his lack of actual battle experience (though we're working on that). And ok, he really screwed the pooch when he married that dull brown haired girl, but he's a young man with certain...urges.

Actually no, I can't defend that decision.

Because Robb gave his word. If you're a lying Lannister lion that might not mean much, but Robb is a STARK. And he gave. his. word. And then went and married the first pretty young thing that wandered into his path. And now I can't shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen....

You know what they say. Winter is coming. And everyone has to pay the piper. Even Kings.

There's Poop in the Hallway Again

Oh. Dood. It got REAL on Mad Men last night. Angsty workplace personal and professional drama realness. It was SO good to see all of our favorite SCDP folks really being themselves and being so very much the characters we've all come to love and hate and hatelove. The cast acted the shit out of this episode. One of the best MMs I have seen in a while. I giggled throughout. 

Grumpy Old Man Bert Cooper is having a meeting with Pete, Joanie and some accountant fellow. SCDP is about to go public, and they want $12 a share. Accountant fellow tells them he's done the math, and the best he can really get at this stage is $9 a share. But what does it matter? We'll all be millionaires! "Maybe Trudy will take my sorry ass back if I'm loaded," thinks Pete. Then he hits on Joan. 

Joanie, Joanie, Joanie. Don't deny. You know you want somma dis.

Roger wakes up next to his stewardess lady friend, Daisy. Roger's been asking her to scout out the first class lounge for potential clients and he scolds her for calling him for sexy time and not business. Really, he will take either, but a man's gotta work.

Meanwhile over at the Campbell homestead, Pete's feeling rapey and gets into bed with his estranged wife, Trudy. Trude manages to flirtatiously threaten divorce, and Pete tells her that she should stick with old Petey. He's coming into some Big Buck$$ soon. Because there's no such thing as alimony?

Megan's maman and Roger Sterling erstwhile fuckbuddy Marie is visiting NYC for Mother's Day. Megan and Don have to go to dinner with Sleazy Herb from Jaguar. Megan tells Maman that something isn't right with Don, but she has no clue what's happened. That girl from Freaks and Geeks is what happened. Keep your man on a leash, Megz. Maman's expert advice is for Megan to dress a little sluttier. Because it's real hard to get Don Draper into the sack. 

Why don't we play Thomas Jefferson and you can purchase me?

I think that we can all agree that Marie is AWESOME. Unless you have been living on Saturn, I'm sure you're aware that Marie is portrayed by none other than Juliette Binoche. WHO IS THE FRENCHEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. I also love that Megan's dad is an angry French Canadian Marxist. Like. They should have a show. Rosen comes in to borrow some wrapping paper for Mother's Day, and he's intrigued by Marie. I think we can also all agree that Rosen deseves to get wildly fucked, ne c'est pas?

So. Peggy's moved into this fixer-upper with Abe. It's super cute and historic, but there is the problem of frequent human feces in the hallway, plus the kids upstairs with their damn loud rock music. Peggy hates it. Let's remember that girlfriend is chief creative at a NYC ad agency. And this is where she lives. Because her boyfriend wanted. Ugh. Girl. Fortunately, she is totes bored with Abe. 

In we saw that coming news, Peggy's alone at the office with Ted, and they kiss. D'aww. Peggy starts feeling all in luvz with Ted, an let us not forget that he is married to that hag we met last week, so I'm sure that this will somehow go horribly wrong for her. Then she expresses her love for Bobby Kennedy. Sorry, Peggy, m'love. That Bobby Kennedy thing isn't going to work out for you, either. 

Pete asks Don if he can tag along to the Jaguar dinner with Herb. Don is like, "Um, no." Don thinks the dinner is off, but Roger is in his office when Don arrives the next morning and tells him the dinner is back on, but Pete is not invited. Roger tells Don to bring the spouses to "limit the explosion," and Roger gets the bonus of the good news the La Femme Marie is back in town. Mais oui. 

At Ted's office, the creative team DOESN'T WANT TO DRAW ANY MORE ROCKET SHIPS. They're going over their presentation to Chevrolet, and one of the creatives, Frank, reveals he has pancreatic cancer. Christ on a moped. This sucks for them because of the way their contracts are structured. If Frank dies, the other partners have to buy him out and that could bankrupt the company, since they don't have the Alpha Romero account anymore. Can you dig?

At the airport, Daisy's flirted her way into the good graces of an exec in the first class lounge. She calls Roger and Roger heads over to chat him up. His name's Mikey and he's from Detroit. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that Mikey's from GM. Good scouting, Daisy. Roger instructs Daisy to bring him some water and an onion, but good ole Mikey needs to get liquored up. Then he tells Daisy to find him a seat on the flight to DTE. 

Unable to find a willing female to sleep with him, Pete heads over to a whorehouse with Bob Branson. It's a rule on teevee that if you frequent a brothel, you will run into someone you know. Pete runs into Trude's dad. Oopsie. Entertaining Trudy's dad is, "a two hundred pound Negro prostitute." Actual quote. This is problematic for Pete not only because of his problems with Trude, but in case we have forgotten, Trude's dad is Vicks. And Vicks was getting his Vapo rubbed by "the biggest, blackest prostitute." Actual. Quote. All that's really missing from this party is a few congressmen and some blow. Pete has a WTF do I do convo with Cosgrove and Cosgrove tells Pete to keep mum and cites MAD (mutually assured destruction).

Ya'll my sinuses are clear, thanks to Vicks VapoRuuuuuuuuu......

If Pete rats on Papa Vicks, they might lose the account and people will also know he was there, too. That strategy fails when, later, Don and Roger learn from a rival agency that Vicks has pulled their account. Pete goes over to Vicks and confronts Pa Vicks, and Pa Vicks tells Pete that he's a sleazebag for being at the cat house and that's why. Because dammit. His Trudy is a princess and she deserves better. So, I'm taking away your livelihood. That'll teach you. Then Pete decides to stupidly head out to Trudy's. He tells Trude that daddy pulled the account and informs her that her beloved papa was in a whorehouse. WITH A FAT BLACK PROSTITUTE. Trudy cries, and tells him to get out and that they are through. AND I LAUGHED SO EFFING HARD. Apparently that MLK thing went right over Pete's head after all. 

In awkward dinner conversation news, Don has exactly zero fondness for Herb. Precisely. None. Let's not forget that Don was the only partner who wasn't 100 percent on board with whoring Joanie out to snag the Jaguar account. Megan wears a short skirt to entice Don to, you know, actually sleep with his wife for a change. Maman accompanies them and Roger never shows because, as we later learn, he's in Detroit romancing Chevy. Maman HATES Herb's wife, who is a really talkative; really nice; really, really clueless lady. Maman snarks her in French to Megan, and then the ladies go off to powder their noses. Herb tells Don that he has a young copy editor friend and he'd like SCDP to run their copy by Herb's friend. Don's offended and gives Herb a business card, with the instruction that he can stick it up his ass. SCDP offically loses the Jaguar account, and the spouses and Maman return, wondering WTF just happened. On the up side, Megan's short skirt worked and Don gets into her drawers instead of Sylvia Rosen's. Oh, happy day. Roger calls to talk to Don, and he gets Maman instead. Maman is listening to the joyful sounds of  Don foutre her daughter. Maman wants to know why Monsieur Roger has not called her, and Roger swears he was going to call Maman. Maman thinks this is le merde and so she hangs up on him. He calls back. She hangs up on him again. Le sigh.

It gets real at the office on the morrow. Don drops the bomb that they lost Jaguar. Joan is PISSED. Joan wonders WTF she went through sleeping with Herb for if they were just going to drop the account. Don says Jaguar was going to drop SCDP anyway, and Don dumped them preemptively. Pete is livid. He tells Don that they were brokering a deal to go public, and he'd even gotten the news that they could sell SCDP stock at $11 a share. Don had no idea, and Pete's pissed because he thinks Don doesn't care about the company. There's a public shouting match in the middle of the office and then they take the shouting into the conference room. Then Roger sails in and is like,  "Guys. Guys. Guys. It's coooool, daddy-os. Who givvles a shizzle-nizzle?" He reveals that he landed an appointment to compete for the new Chevy account, and creative meets in Don's office to strategize. They have until Friday to come up with something that will blow the competition into Lake St. Clair.

The deal with GM is that they are working on a top-secret car. The teams have to come up with an ad pitch based on a car they've never seen. We're not all sure what car Chevy is going to debut, but the top guess is the second generation Camaro. If you know, post in the comments.

Ted's working on Chevy, too. Peggy enters his office and they suck face and jeah. Peggy spends the rest of the episode fantasizing about Ted, pretending Abe is Ted when she's sucking face with Abe. Is Peggy going to launch into an illicit affair with her married boss? Does Peggy get to be the office romance? The Other Woman? Does she get to do what she's seen so many of her male coworkers do? I do think she should dump Abe, though. Yeah, he's kind of a schleb, but I feel kind of bad for him now.

Do I win romance? Whee!!

Who does Don run into in the elevator but Dr. Rosen. Dr. Rosen has quit his job. It seems Rosen was trying to get a heart transplant patient and the hospital blocked him, and now his transplant patient and the heart donor are both dead. So, that means he's going to be home during the day. Sorry, Don. But there's always hate sex with Betty!

It's at the airport that Don and Roger learn that they've lost Vicks. Two accounts lost in about 24 hours. Their asses are toast. Don makes it to Detroit, but he can't sleep. He heads down to the hotel bar, and instead of being approached by a hooker or a drunk soldier, he runs into Ted. Ted realizes when he sees Draper that his little agency has no chance of getting the Chevy account. He explains to Don that Chevy brought in two small agencies along with the larger agencies. Ted thinks that they'll take one of the smaller agency's creative work and give it to one of the larger agencies. If you've been following the bouncing ball during this episode, you can guess what happens next. Don and Ted take turns giving their pitches, and they both agree they have solid work. So they decide to merge. They're merging their Chevy pitch as well as their entire agencies. If you hadn't guessed that SCDP and Ted's company were going to merge, the show's final ten minutes may have come to a shock to you. We've been seeing a lot of Ted not just because he's Peggy's boss, but because he'll be joining SCDP as an active member.  

I'm going to rule over you all!! You fools!!

This means Peggy will be working with SCDP peeps yet once more. Don, of course, only clears this merger with Roger before breaking the news to the other partners, but how much of a fit will they throw, really, once they reveal that they've landed the Chevy account to replace the losses of Beans, Ketchup, Jaguar and Vicks? 

Once Ted returns from Detroit, he calls her into his office. Peggy powders her nose and fixes up for her expectant tryst with Ted. She walks in and who's in Ted's office but fucking Don Draper. Fuck a Duck Phillips duck. Sure, Don inadvertently cockblocks her, but he actually seems appreciative of her work for a change. We'll see how long that lasts. Ted and Don assign Peggy to write up the press release and Don gracefully suggests that she give her finished copy to Ted. Will Don have more respect for Peggy now that she's stood up to Don and won Ted's respect? Peggy's team won Ketchup away from SCDP and Don will undoubtedly be using Peggy's creative on their Chevy project.

So, what kind of dick-measuring is going to be in store for the next episode? Will Joan be able to forgive Don for kicking Jaguar to the curb after she had to sex Sleazy Herb? Who will be in charge? Will it be Don? Ted? Will Petey be able to get back into VapoRub's good graces? If I were a conspiracy theorist, I'd think Bob Branson planned for Pete's FIL to see him at the sporting house, but maybe MM hasn't turned entirely into soap opera just yet. Winkies.

BUT WILL SOMEONE JUST PUT PEGGY IN CHARGE ALREADY???

You Lost Me at "Kitsune"

SORRY about the horrible delay in getting the Lost Girl finale recap posted. I know you've all moved on to Orphan Black by now (and if you haven't, you should do so posthaste). But, OMG but you guys! You guys!! You. Guys. Lost Girl has been picked up by Syfy for another season, and it will return in 2014!!!

So, let's get down to it.  Lost Girl has baffled me for most of this season. Bo nearly devolved into Under Fae and then she went through The Dawning, which on the whole, was rather underwhelming. Dyson volunteered to go in as her second and then he died but then Bo sucked out some chi from the Scooby Gang and gave it to Dyson and then he was no longer dead. Then Bo and Kenzi defeated a group of suburban moms who decided to be witches in addition to their weekly book club and yoga meetings (I just assumed witchcraft is common among suburbanite ladies). Before that, the Scooby Gang ran into a sorority full of Japanese fox demons. It turned out that that nasty rash Kenzi picked up at The Norn's digs allowed her kitsune twin to kidnap her and turn her into a rabid, snarling bitch. Then she got Bo locked in a cage. Then she tried to rape Dyson.

I'm Naruto??

Kenzi hasn't been around much most of this season and in the final two episodes, some totally racist Death Eater level Faes make it uber clear to Kenz that she's not wanted in the Fae world because she's human. It's like the writers all decided that Kenzi was more interesting and less whiny than Bo's girlfriend Lauren and so they pushed her to the side. For that matter, most of the interesting supporting characters are MIA this season. Kenzi hasn't been around that much; Vex, who is hilarious, has shown up about twice (and he went completely batshit and not in a fun way) and even The Morrigan has only been in two or three episodes. Dyson's former police partner Hale, who was elected Acting Ash,  has also been relegated to a minor role. Who did we get instead? The snoozefest that is Lauren. She left Fae-town a few episodes ago but you knew she would be back because she left in company with Isaac, who seemed interesting at first, then vaguely evil, then creepy and then you Solemnly Swore He was Up to No Good. 

And whatever. I'm sure we'd all rather see Bo with Dyson anyway. I get that there's probably a contingent of Lost Girl fans who like seeing a legit LGBT relationship taken seriously on teevee, but OMG Lauren is so awful. Like. She's just so, so awful. I feel like they tried this season to make her more likable and interesting, but now she's done gone gotten herself mixed up with this craycray Isaac, who's trying to do away with all the the Fae. 

Dude. What?

The Morrigan's peeps kidnapped Trick and threw him in the trunk of a car. I guess that was meant to be ominous, but since Trick is so short, it was actually pretty comical. The Morrigan tried to take over The Ash seat from Hale and denounced him as a human-lover. Which to be fair, is a legit concern. Hale is way in love with Kenzi (Fae on human? kinky) and I hope the relationship grows into next season and we actually get to see them do sex.  

Sadly, if the season finale is any indication, it looks like our girl Tamsin is on her way out. Tamsin is one of the most interesting characters on the show, and Rachel Skarsten is one of the better actors, so I was hoping they would keep her around and nix Lauren, but nay. Tamsin has been secretly working for a shady individual, The Wanderer, whom most Lost Girl-ites guessed about five episodes ago was Bo's father.  Tamsin's instructions are to weaken Bo and deliver her to The Wanderer, which she is super conflicted about since she is into Bo. So, since Tamsin was trying some Uber Bad Ass Dark Fae BS on the Light Fae PrincessHero, she might as well just kiss her sweet lil ass goodbye. Also, she's a super old Valkyrie and has some kind of Valkyrie-itis and so she's dying. Thanks.

I think my part's mostly filler.

I'm sure there's no way supergenius Fae healer Lauren could find a way to set aside her uselessness and passive aggressive bitchiness and find a way to help Tamsin out of her Valkyrie-itis, but we'll see what the writers have up their sleeves for Season 4.

Anyway, back to the plot. We learned that Isaac is an evil not-even-genius in the episode previous to the finale. Dr. Girlfriend Lauren dumped Bo and then took off with Isaac, bowing to his pressuring her to take a job with his company. She thought she would be safe leaving the Fae world (or so she thinks), even though she was warned that if she leaves Light Fae protection, the Dark Fae will try to kill her. That doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. Obviously, Lauren knows more about Fae physiology than anyone else in the Fae world, and you'd think that the Dark Fae would want to keep her around. But whatever, So, Lauren leaves, but she discovers that Isaac has been experimenting on the Fae. He won't let her leave and it's not like she can call Bo because Lauren left all of her crap, INCLUDING HER EFFING PHONE, at her apartment when she went off with Isaac. 

Isaac, of course, has an Evil Secret Semi-Underground Lab that looks very much like an observatory. I'd love to be the location scout for this show. Like I'm pretty sure every filming site is on the main Toronto subway lines. He's keeping all of the Fae -- including Bo's succumom Aife -- and giant refrigerators, which are standard-issue to evil-doers everywhere. He's got Lauren working on a technique to splice human DNA with Fae DNA to create a Fae/human hybrid. 

This might sting a bit.

Isaac's girlhood dream was to be Fae. Apparently, the Fae attacked his brother and killed him and whiny bitch that he is, Isaac decided to spend the rest of his life plotting revenge upon the Fae. Cry me a river. Hence stalking Lauren. He's been kidnapping the Fae, keeping them in refrigerated isolation booths and then making him fight each other until he found the strongest among them. The strongest among them turns out to be Dyson (natch), and Isaac has some creepy ho-yay/Single White Werewolf thing for Dyson and wants Lauren to remove stem cells from Dyson and implant them into Isaac, which will of course kill Dyson to death. I'm not sure about the scientific accuracy here, but I'm pretty sure a stem cell transplant doesn't involve the unavoidable death of a the donor. Since, you know, most stem cells live in petri dishes or vats of culture medium. Anyway, I'm watching a show that claims fairies and water sprites are real, so if I'm concerned about the scientific validity of Lauren's Evil Secret Lab experiments, I guess maybe I should take up a hobby. 

You've escaped ho-yay on this show for far too long, Dyson. Far too long.

So, Bo figures out where Lauren is and she and Tamsin make their way to the Evil Secret Lab. They get caught by the guards and Tamsin gets her ass shot. Bo and Tamsin are put in a fridge and Bo works out A Plan. 

Bo supergirls her way out of her refrigerator and then frees all the other confined Fae. Aife jumps in front of a bullet to save Bo and that's all really noble and whatnot, but let's not forget that she is FUCKING DARK FAE and all she has to do to heal is suck out someone's chi. So, what does Bo do but SHE LEAVES HER ALONE WITH SOMEONE WHOSE CHI SHE CAN STEAL. Like, did it occur to ANYONE that that's NOT A GOOD IDEA?? Like. What the fuck?

Lauren goes ahead with the procedure, but not before she can tell Bo that she's all jealous of Dyson. Instead of using Dyson's stem cells, she splices Isaac's DNA with some other Fae DNA that makes him behave as though he has Bell's palsy. Dyson chases him into the woods, turns into a wolf and Isaac shits his britches. And that's the last we see of Isaac. So, that whole climax more than a little underwhelming, especially considering the hundreds of Fae that Isaac killed over the course of his little experiments.

Lauren could have done all manner of things to this tool. She could have mixed his human genes with any number of craycray Fae. Since she knew how to slow down The Dawning in Bo's case, you'd think she could use that knowledge to turn him Fae and turn on a gene to make his Dawning happen super fast. Then he would have been Under Fae and they could have kept him in a cage and fed him catnip and Whisker Lickins. See, that would have been an arc.

Lauren sort of disappears while the Scooby Gang rescues everyone, so her position in the Fae community and her standing with Bo are left up in the air. Tamsin disappears during this episode, too, so I'm unsure what happened to her as a result of all this world savin'. 

But let's not forget that Isaac was not the main villain of this season. Nope, that's The Wanderer, who wants Bo in his clutches, since Daddy misses his Little Girl. After the dust settles, Bo heads back to Trick's bar and "The Wanderer" plays on the jukebox. The Tarot card makes its appearance again, and Bo picks it up. She wonders aloud who he is and what he wants, and then she gets turned into a cloud of black smoke and disappears, leaving behind The Tarot card in her place. Cliffhanger!! What will happen to Bo? Will Mary be on her right? Will Bo accept her new stepmom, Runaround Sue? 

Lost Girl has been green-lighted for another season by the Canadian company that produces it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bring Tamsin back for another season! 

Episodes from this season of Lost Girl are available On Demand. Previous seasons are on Netflix. 

She's Just Not That Into You

Picking up right where we left off last episode, Psychotown’s Finest are on the case, arriving several minutes after the nick of time to stop the psychotic child sex trafficker on the force who just tried to kill the Bates family. Good on ya, PD. As the Sheriff rolls into the parking lot, he sees Shelby’s body and Dylan holding the gun. “We’d better talk,” he says. We cut to sometime later with Mother having just finished telling the entire story to the Sheriff. “Now you know it all,” she says. The Sheriff is apparently not as pure as he seems, because he instantly agrees to go along with a fake story whereby they all pretend that the Sheriff has long suspected Shelby was dirty and Shelby killed Keith and the Sheriff is the hero in everything. Dylan ain’t pleased, which is understandable since he’s the one who actually stopped the raving madman, but Mother and Norman are just thrilled to be not under indictment.

Some indeterminate time later, Norman and Bradley make tender passionate love like the experienced sexers they are has a wet dream about making tender passionate love just as mother enters the room to wake him up in the morning. The motel is opening in seven days and Mother wants them to be ready now that all the Shelby mess is behind them. Sidebar, Norman plays out this entire scene with his blankets specifically draped over his lap. Well done, actor!

"Would you be comfortable if I called you 'mother' while we do this?"

Norman repairs a trellis at Mother’s request when he discovers a wee, angry dog underneath the porch. He tries to coax it out with a donut, but the dog makes a break for it and runs.

In the house, Mother cooks Dylan a lovely breakfast, arousing Dylan’s suspicions. Mother seems like she’s honestly trying to just thank him for, you know, getting shot saving them and all and seems genuinely hurt when Dylan says he’s still planning on moving out. Mother throws a temper tantrum over a trash bag, which Dylan all but wrestles away from her to help her out. Taking the trash to the dumpster, a swanky car pulls up to the motel. A dapper man asks what has happened to the motel and where he can find Keith Summers before speeding off when he learns that Summers is dead.

In school, Norman walks RIGHT PAST EMMA to go to Bradley, who is back at school and surrounded by her Super Model handlers who have literally done her homework for her while she was gone. When Norman asks if he can see her later, Bradley just kinda shrugs. Norman, you just got PWNED!

Mother puts on her nicest business suit and heads to a restaurant to ask them to help promote the Bates Motel. The manager instantly shuts Mother down, saying she doesn’t like to associate with certain businesses. Mother is confused until the manager explains that everyone in town knows about Shelby being shot there and the missing/dead Chinese girl. Small town life, everyone knows everyone else’s shit, nothing to be done about it.

"So, you're telling me the three dead people on my property in less than a month might be a deterrent to success?"

That night at the motel, Mother notices the dapper man from earlier trying to get into room 9 with an old key. He tells her that he has had a standing weeklong reservation for this room every other month. Mother offers to give him the room, eager for a customer.  Dylan notices him from earlier in the morning and is worried. When Dylan asks him for his license, the man tells him they should already have it on file. Dylan feigns ignorance, new system, etc. Dylan “casually” questions the man, who says he comes to town on “sales” and pays in cash rather than giving a credit card. Meanwhile Mother, smarting from what the local business folk have said, is trying to scrub the blood out of their steps at the spot where Shelby died. Actually, kinda starting to see the townspeople’s hesitation about this place, now that I think on it. And yes, this is a scene about Mother trying to “get blood from out of a stone.” Jesus, writers – we get it.

The next day, Bradley approaches Norman and Dylan buying supplies. Bradley mentions that her mom is out of town so she’s alone, but also says that she’s heard that Dylan is working for Gil now, who used to work with her dad. Man, Bradley. You do not do “casual” well at all.  Dylan puts two and two together, however, and figures Bradley’s up to something and it’s not just booty calls with Norman that she’s embarrassed to tell her friends about.

Emma is not going to take Norman’s snubbing lying down. She shows up at the house and Mother invites her in. When Mother goes to fetch Norman, Norman asks her to say that he’s sick and can’t come down. Emma, the resident wounded puppy dog, blames the tears in her eyes on allergies, arousing Mother’s sympathies. Mother asks Emma to come with her to help her on an errand for the motel. In the car, Mother tells her that Norman is “going through something” right now but not to worry he’ll get over it. “Between us,” Emma tells her, “I go to school with ‘it’ and I don’t think he’s getting over her.” Oh shit. See that bag, the one that used to have a cat in it? Emma may be non-threatening to Mother, but the same can’t be said about someone Emma describes as “the prettiest girl in the school.” Emma offers to point her out at her yoga class downtown, which is conveniently right by where they need to go on their errand. Mother is SO NOT STEALTHY in checking out Bradley at her class. Mother begins to imagine fantasies of Norman and Bradley having all kind of porn-y, S&M sex with nipple licking and lights swinging around right under her roof. (I’m not exaggerating, this seriously is something the show filmed.) Mother is, in short, taking this a lot harder than Emma.

"Let's be friends, so that you can better help me to manipulate my son and your affections."

Back at the motel, Norman is hanging up the welcome sign (literally) and trying to woo the dog from earlier with cookies that he’s set out, despite Mother telling him not to attract strays. Norman tries to get Mother to let him keep the dog, saying it’s what normal families do. Mother reluctantly agrees as long as Norman takes care of it. That’s when Mother decides to give Norman “The Talk” out of the blue. When the polite route doesn’t work, Mother lays it out: “you don’t know that girl well enough to be screwing her,” she tells him. Mother almost erotically tells Norman about what happens in woman’s body during and after sex and he shouldn’t be dabbling around in that. Also, Mother says she’s hired Emma to help out, so have fun with that obstacle that I’ve just given you. This leads to a fight when Norman insists that Bradley is his girlfriend, even though they’ve only talked twice since having sex and Bradley is a special flower who’s just dealing with her dad being dead which is why she’s not answering any of his texts and then he storms out. (As a total sidebar, I haven’t really said enough about how great Vera Farmiga is at playing Mother – she really nails the manipulative smoothness that Mother has in this scene and it’s frankly a lot of fun to watch her.)

Norman goes to Bradley’s house to talk to her and you just know this isn’t going to go well. Norman gives a long passionate speech about how he knows how much they mean to each other and how great their soft-focus early 80s-music video style sex scene was and he knows she feels the same and she should break up with Richard (remember him?) and God, it’s like watching the cliff approaching while the car is stuck at 90mph. When Bradley tells him, honestly in a very adult, mature way, that she’s flattered but she really doesn’t feel the same way, Norman runs off, causing her to run after him. She finds him a block away, walking with a creepy blank look on his face reciting Mother’s earlier words about Bradley’s low behavior verbatim. “I don’t think you’re a nice girl,” he tells her menacingly.

Might want to avoid taking any showers around this kid, I think...

Back at the motel, the dapper man comes upon Mother working late in the office. He tells her that he likes her changes to the motel and offers to put out the word about her place with “all the business contacts” that he has in the area. He asks for the same business arrangement that he had with Keith, where he books every room for the first week of every other month. “Is that for all the other people you work with?” Mother naively asks. Yes, Mother. That’s totally it. Sheesh. For a murderer, you really don’t have any instincts, do you?

Norman arrives back at the motel to see the dog waiting for him across the street. He calls for the dog to come to him and when the dog does the show totally drops a bridge on the poor mangy thing in the form of a suddenly speeding car. And yes, the camera shows us everything. If you have any kind of sensitivity to animals dying, this is NOT the scene for you to watch. Norman breaks down as Mother arrives, telling her that he was wrong about Bradley. He decides to bring the dog’s body to Emma’s father because he can "fix dead things." That he's saying this to Mother is doubly creepy, since we all know what eventually is going to happen to her.