Fear the Walking Dead

When I first heard AMC was making a prequel series* to The Walking Dead, my response was "ugh." The show is insanely popular so of course we need to milk that teat until it's completely dry.

After giving it some more thought,** I realized there is actually a good story to tell here. The Walking Dead picks up after the the zombie apocalypse has already occurred. We, the viewer, see the show through Rick Grimes' eyes, and his initial confusion and lack of information adds to the feeling of dread and unease we experience. The Walking Dead has never explained the events that led up to the collapse of civilization; we don't know where or how things started, how quickly the world fell apart, how the government responded, when things went to....well, to put it bluntly, went to shit.

So then I was excited for Fear the Walking Dead. I was hoping it would fill in some of the gaps and give some more information about the virus, which to me is the most interesting part of The Walking Dead's story. I was also hoping that the show would learn from some of the elements of TWD that didn't quite work--such as the family drama bullshit with Rick, Lori, and Carl. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, "Caaaaaaaaaaarl!"

Alas, no. Because the public was definitely crying out for more family drama.

I don't want to say I'm disappointed in FWD exactly. It's great to look at, the acting is top notch (especially from Kim Dickens whom I loved in Deadwood), and it's very effective at building tension. Just like people used to say you had to watch Doctor Who from behind the couch, FWD sometimes makes me want to peek out from behind my fingers because I don't think I can handle what is going to happen next.

And that is what makes it all so monumentally frustrating that almost every single one of these characters is completely and utterly stupid.

Stories like this only work if you like the characters. You have to care what is going to happen to them. And it's hard to have your audience care about people who are TOTAL FUCKING MORONS.

Maybe FWD takes place in a world where George Romero never existed. Where Night of the Living Dead, World War Z, and the whole zombie genre never existed. Maybe these people don't have any reference for the undead shambling around craving brains. But there is nothing in this series (or TWD for that matter) to establish this as an alternate universe following those rules and I am not letting the showrunners off that easy. To leave it to the third episode before even one single person proffers that the infected are actually dead, to have no character even mention the word "zombie," defies belief and makes it seem as if all these people are brain-dead themselves.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the more I think and write about this the madder I get. Seriously. All these characters have already seen the infected stumbling around, appear as if corpses, get shot MULTIPLE TIMES and keep going, feast on the flesh of the living, and they are still standing around asking, "what is going on?" I can't. even. handle. it. Just having one character say, "Hey, maybe it's zombies" and then everyone can shoot him/her down about how that is so implausible, only happens in movies, etc. would placate me. But no. Instead they sit around looking shocked and dismayed and trying to convince each other that we shouldn't destroy the neighbor's brain because there IS STILL A CHANCE HE CAN BE CURED. Even though we just caught him snacking on someone's dog and is actively trying to kill everyone in the house.

Flames. On the sides of my face.

But I guess the sickest part is I still want to see what happens next. At the end of the third episode the National Guard shows up and seems to be doing well with putting down the infection. So I still want to see how it all goes to shit.

But if all these people survive the season I am giving up. Because there is no way people this dumb would survive the zombie apocalypse. Zombies? I have no trouble with that. But these characters all surviving will defy even my ability to suspend belief.

Fear the Walking Dead airs Sunday nights at 9:00PM EST on AMC.

*Oh, excuse me, a COMPANION series. Whatever, AMC.


*I'll have you know I spent a good 10 seconds of brain power on this topic.

HUMANS

It's summer! Yeah, still. Ugh.

I know, I know--it's hot, you're tired, you're cranky, you want to just kick back with the AC on and get lost in a tv series that won't tax your brain too much.

There's not a lot of choice right now, but thankfully AMC is there to fill the void with its series (made in partnership with British television station, Channel 4), HUMANS. 

Cue the synopsis!

Your Saturday afternoon errands could result in purchasing a fully functional robotic domestic helper that will get your kids ready for school or take care of an ailing parent. Whether that’s a good or bad decision is the question HUMANS sets out to explore. It’s not about what this technology is capable of; it’s about the impact that this advanced technology will have on the human population. Will this new way of navigating life be detrimental or beneficial to us as a human race? And who will we become when this technology arrives?  

Set in suburban London, HUMANS takes place in a parallel present where the latest must-have gadget for any busy family is a “Synth” – a highly developed, artificially intelligent servant eerily similar to its living counterpart. At the center of the four concurrent story lines explored throughout the series is the flawed but loving Hawkins family. 


HUMANS isn't plowing any new ground. There are androids, they are used as servants, some of them have developed feelings. Blah blah blah. What sets this show apart from its predecessors are the mysteries that surround the characters. We know a lot of things aren't right...but we aren't exactly sure why.

Nobody is this happy to be cleaning. Something ain't right, y'all.

HUMANS is expertly plotted with multiple story lines that connect in surprising ways. I was gratified that it doesn't take too long for characters from seemingly disparate plots to begin interacting with one another. Each episode teases out more information about the underlying mysteries--some about the overall plot and some about the characters themselves. Why does Laura, the mother in the Hawkins family, keep her kids at arms length and doesn't trust herself around them? Why is Leo tracking down four synths that have developed personalities and what is his connection to them? What is Dr. George Millican's (William Hurt!!) connection to the synths and why is he hiding his old original model?

See? MYSTERIES.

Another point in HUMANS favor: the actors. Much like the similarly atmospheric sci-fi series, Orphan Black, HUMANS is anchored by an amazing performance from its lead actress, Gemma Chan. You might recognize her from Sherlock (but probably not). She absolutely nails the role of a synth...who's not quite right and frankly kinda creepy. The other performances are excellent too, especially Katherine Parkinson as Laura Hawkins, the mother with a secret.

In short, HUMANS is a perfect summer series. It covers familiar territory but is tightly plotted, well-acted, and addictive. And you don't need to worry about getting drawn into a series that will get cancelled--it's already been renewed for a second season.

You took her out of the original packaging? YOU FOOL.

HUMANS airs Sundays at 9PM EST on AMC.

Spring show reviews

Every Spring the networks roll out some new shows trying to fill the gaps left by the failed Fall shows. Hope springs eternal--maybe this time they'll find something that catches on! But from what I have seen so far...I'm not sure we have any big hits. Here are some capsule reviews of some of the new shows I've managed to catch!

Resurrection: what would you do if your long dead loved ones suddenly started coming home? Looking the exact same as they did at the time of their death and with no memory of anything since their unfortunate...accidents? This set of circumstance is the central plot of ABC's Resurrection, which is actually not too bad. In fact, it's pretty good, if a bit meandering.

In the small town of Arcadia, Missouri, people are starting to come back from the dead. Not like zombie hordes, but one or two people here and there. They aren't hungry for brains, but just want to get back to their lives. Except they've been gone for quite some time...and their families aren't sure whether they are the same. All the medical tests seem to indicate and they are normal healthy humans, but clearly something strange is afoot.

Well, that's not ominous at all.

I am enjoying this show more than I thought I would, I think in part because it's way darker than I expected. Not everyone who has come back is a good person and the show is doing a nice job of teasing out subtle clues about the how and why of the resurrections. I genuinely want to find out what happens next and to know what the hell is going on. The cast is also pretty great, especially the always good Omar Epps as a US immigration agent (random, I know) who finds himself at the middle of the mystery.

Resurrection airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST and you can catch up with all the episodes over on the show's website.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge: Syfy's new show is clearly trying to capture the same magic as the fantastic Face Off. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work for me.

In JHCSC, the contestants are challenged to create and fabricate creatures that are Jim Henson-y in style. Human actors/puppeteers bring the creatures to life (usually from inside the large puppet body) and they are "shot" on a soundstage in the Jim Henson studios in front of the panel of the judges.

I like the concept, but the show just doesn't have the same entertainment value as Face Off. Maybe it's because the challenges are a little more limited as they are constrained by the muppet-style of the overall show's conceit, but I just find it hard to get into. I'll give it a few more episodes, but unless things pick up I don't think I'll stick with it.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge airs Tuesday evenings at 10:00 EST on Syfy.

Turn: It doesn't really matter if this new AMC show is terrible (it isn't), because I am going to watch it no matter what. There are two reasons:

1) It takes place during the Revolutionary War, a criminally un-represented area of American history in movies and television.

2) The cast includes JJ Feild who played the dreamy Mr. Henry Tilney in the BBC's most recent adaptation of Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey. You bros might know him as "the English guy in the beret" who was part of Captain America's team in Captain America: The First Avenger.

It takes a real man to rock a cravat. 

The good news is the show isn't terrible, hurray! It is a bit confusing though, so make sure you are sitting on the thinking side of your couch and are paying attention. It's not really the type of show you can just have on in the background while you wander around your apartment picking up and putting away all your shoes.*

The show tells the story of America's first spy ring...which sounds fancy but really just means it's about this farmer (Jamie Bell, sans Billy Elliot dancing shoes, alas) who lives in British-occupied New York and ends up reluctantly spying for the Continental Army. I say reluctantly not because he was a British loyalist, but because he basically just wants to live with his family and grow cabbages or lettuce or something. But you know, these things happen. And I guess he ends up forming something called the Culper Ring and inventing modern spycraft? This is all according to the show's website. After the first two episodes the spies have only just figured that maybe hanging a special petticoat on a wash line isn't the best way to communicate with each other. Baby steps.

Anyway, it's enjoyable if a bit complicated, but the attention to detail in the sets and costumes is nice. Also, JJ Feild. So you should watch it.

TURN airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST on AMC. You can watch the two episodes that have already aired over on the website.


*Just me?

Why You Should Watch Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad returns to AMC for its final season on Sunday, August 11 at 9:00. I confess I've never seen the show, despite all the glowing reviews, Emmy awards, and friends who watch it. Last weekend at brunch, my friend Mike started waxing poetic about the show, and I managed to con him into writing a guest post about it. If I may paraphrase, the real draw of Breaking Bad is the main character's journey into villainy--not a hero's journey, but his progress from normal guy to full on criminal mastermind. Sounds awesome...which means I have some serious catching up to do. 

"L. of G. at last complete—after 33 y'rs of hackling at it, all times & moods of my life, fair weather & foul, all parts of the land, and peace & war, young & old" - Walt Whitman

To be clear, Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is the villain of Breaking Bad. If you consider that a spoiler, then you have watched too much television. In the real world, a meth dealing chemistry teacher cannot be a hero. You may root for him occasionally, but undoubtedly, the universe that Vince Gilligan has created would be significantly improved if Mr. White's lung cancer had taken him long ago.

It's so simple and obvious, but therein lies the brilliance of Breaking Bad. While Gilligan clearly respects the character, he has no love for the one going by the pseudonym of Heisenberg. Unlike other attempts at showcasing villainy, namely Showtime's Dexter, how far the character is willing to go is not determined by network renewals that simply stretch an untenable story or affection for the sociopath that you have created.

All too often, we are presented with an image of a villain, despicable and fully-formed: one that we can jeer at and declare far enough removed from our own lives that he is unrecognizable. His status as "bad guy" is not questioned. Walter White came to us a frustrated family man, a role that he still believes he is in. He has shown a willingness to kill innocents and children when it suits him. He has destroyed the life of his usual accomplice, Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul), especially when poor Jesse has shown any sort of affection. His general goal is to provide for a drug-addicted populace. But, at least in his own mind, he has always provided for his family.

As we await the August return of the family man who has taken a detour through the empire business, it is worth remembering that while every villain is a hero in his own mind, Breaking Bad succeeds by keeping Walter White from being a hero to the viewer.

 You got a problem with my life choices? How about I just shoot you in the head. 

Breaking Bad returns for its last season (technically the second half of season 5) on Sunday, August 11 at 9:00 EST on AMC.

Mad Men Threeway

Yay, so Fourth of July weekend. Since I am not stuck working 11-hour days for the present moment, AND SINCE IT WILL NOT STOP EFFING RAINING, I decided that I would be able to sit down and post our first ever TV Sluts Three Way, brought to you by Mad Men and Don's complete meltdown. Seriously. Someone send me a vacay.

 Remember when Don told a room full of Hershey execs that he was raised by prostitutes? Those were good times.

Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. 

I'm sure you've all been able to have some time to process your thoughts, so here are ours.
Maggie: Hurray!

Clovis: Hey, can everyone see me?

 Maggie: Yup

 Clovis: w00t Arsenic Pie, you there?

 Maggie: Arseeeeeniiiiiic.

 Arsenic Pie: I am here. I was finishing up with a student.

 Maggie: TV Slut threeway!

 Arsenic Pie: I told her I liked Lady Gaga. And she shrieked in my ear.

 Maggie: God, ESL students take FOREVER

 Arsenic Pie: Legit shrieked. She was super stoked.

 Maggie: I mean, what? Arsenic Pie: You have no idea

 Maggie: Haha.

 Clovis: Twelve lines in and we're already inappropriate.

 Maggie: There goes my food empire, I'm a racist.

Quiet, bird. I'll deal with you later. 

 Arsenic Pie: feel like we're off to a good start.

 Maggie: Hurray! So, Arsenic Pie, I dub thee in charge, since you are the Mad Men expert du jour.

 Arsenic Pie: YAY I'M THE QUEEN. Okay, so. OMG. Where to start?

 Maggie: TRUTHTELLING and CONSEQUENCES. That was what I got out of it.

 Arsenic Pie: Holy crap. I loved how the Hershey meeting turned into Don's therapy session. I mean, let's be real. Don needs a ton of therapy.

 Maggie: It was the anti-Kodak carousel speech, right?

 Arsenic Pie: But not in the chocolate meeting!

 Maggie: Is it wrong that through that whole meeting, I just wanted a Hershey bar? Hershey is my favorite. 

Arsenic Pie: I dislike Hershey. It is too sweet.

 Clovis: Funny, I wanted a prostitute. What can you do? 

Arsenic Pie: I like dark chocolate. I'm sure that could be arranged, Clovz.

Maggie: FOCUS, TV SLUTS.

Arsenic Pie: I wonder what Aimee is up to these days. Still deflowering 14-year-old boys. With her withered old hooker hands. ANYWAY.

 Maggie: Sigh

Clovis: Well, on that (and seriously)... I was impressed that I think this is the first time in the show Don has, like, told the truth about something.

Arsenic Pie: I feel as though Don has grown. Maggie: I know! That was exactly what I was thinking!

Clovis: I mean, it's one thing for Megan to know his past. But it's totally something else for everyone else. He has grown, but that growth is showing how far down he really is.

Maggie: Other than when he told a few people about the Dick Whitman thing, but this was like honesty about FEELINGS. And then, oops, he gets canned.

Arsenic Pie: You always root for him (at least I do) because he's this horrible cad who lies and cheats his way through everything, but he always somehow manages to come out of it relatively unscathed. But OMG he felt more human and less of a tool. I felt bad for him. That scene at the end with Sally made me want to cry.

Maggie: That was so cold when that dude with Duck was like, "Going down?" Burn! The girl who plays Sally is amazing.

Clovis: HAHA IKR?

Maggie: Remember when she said she didn't know anything about him? That look she gave him at the end, when he finally revealed something about himself...perfect.

Arsenic Pie: OMG I wanted to hit Duck. Where did they dig him up, anyway? I thought they fired Duck ages ago.

Clovis: See, I'm from the school of thought that I want to see Don fall, so I kind of got some glee from watching him get effectively shit-canned.

Arsenic Pie: Oh, that girl has MAD acting skils. I felt like Don was going to fall eventually, but I thought it would be more in a lung cancer way.

Maggie: Also with the sick burn: Bert Cooper.

Clovis: Or liver failure.

Arsenic Pie: Or a heart attack. Really.

Clovis: Which might be where they're going now that Don's got the DTs before a meeting

Arsenic Pie: As a side note, I did like how Ted revealed his dad was a drunk. Ted is like almost the anti-Don.

Maggie: Ted is exactly the anti-Don Clovis: I feel like Ted is what Bobby could be if he grows up okay.  I read an article where Matthew Weiner said that explictly. 

Arsenic Pie: They should whip a goatee on Ted. Did he really? I did not see that article. Clovis: That makes sense. He's Don's foil a lot of the time. Plus they both use Peggy, but at least Ted is more honest about it. 

Maggie: http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/06/24/mad-men-finale-matthew-weiner/

Arsenic Pie: Because Ted could totally leave his wife for Peggy, but he chooses to stay with his wife. The Total Draper Move in that situation is to leave the wife.

Maggie: Except for when he lies about leaving his wife to get in her pants. I was SO MAD at him. Because I adored Ted...up until then.

Arsenic Pie: Or the Total Roger Sterling Move. I thought for a second that maybe he meant it, but when he went back to his wife I was like nah. He's not gonna leave his wife for Peggy. And poor Peggy. Man. 

Maggie: Peggy needs to get with Stan and stop being with unavailable guys. Stan was so adorable in his suit, waiting for Don. A

Arsenic Pie: It's what Peggy does. I love me some Stan. I hated Abe.

Maggie: Agreed.

Clovis: I actually thought they were going to have Peggy pull a role reversal on Ted

Maggie: His hair was bloody stupid.

Arsenic Pie: Abe was awful to her. He was so hairy and annoying. 

Maggie: I would have stabbed him MONTHS ago.

Clovis: Like, have Peggy be all "Well, thanks for the sex. Now get it. Mamma wants to sleep."

Arsenic Pie: I loved that she used a BAYONET.

Maggie: Peggy is old school.

Arsenic Pie Like who does that? Peggy Olson. Who has a bayonet? No one.

Maggie: I am going to add that to my OK Cupid profile. "Once stabbed an ex with a bayonet, because it was handy."

Arsenic Pie DO EEET I was totally expecting Peggy to be all over Ted and not kick him out. She wants a guy so, so, so bad.

Maggie: Can we talk for a moment about her amazing pant suit?

Arsenic Pie Or she thinks she does.

Clovis: I loved her line about "Well, isn't it nice for you to have decisions."

Arsenic Pie OMG HER PANTSUIT Yeah, bc she feels like she has no choice.

Clovis: YES! I was saying to AP earlier that it was cool that she was the first woman to see on the show wearing pants to the office.

Arsenic Pie: She has to be a career woman, not because she's Ms. Feminist, but because she knows she can't get married.

Mr. Shaw, you're trying to seduce me. 

 Maggie: She will have ALL the decisions now. The pant suit never lies.

 Arsenic Pie: I hope she takes Don's office. And is like, "This shit is mine."

 Clovis: I hope Don has to ask her for it back in season seven and she says no.

 Arsenic Pie: Side note: Did Ted get the office that Lane offed himself in? I think he did.

Maggie: Haha. I have a feeling though that Duck might get the office...

Arsenic Pie: Duck owes Peggy.

Maggie: I mean, it is still 1968, I don't know if we'll see a female head of creative.

Arsenic Pie: For sleeping with him.

Maggie: Oh, ew. I kept thinking about that too. Duck and Peggy. Girl has made some bad decisions. 

Arsenic Pie: I think she should sell hard for that job. She really has. She really has. I feel Duck owes her. 

Clovis: Peggy will still be reporting to Ted, according to Joan. But still, Peggy has pretty well positioned herself. Arsenic Pie Why did they ask him back? They fired his ass. Methinks Ted isn't going to interact with Peggy much.

Maggie: Do you think they will split next season between NYC and LA?

Clovis: They didn't ask him back - he was bringing in the other candidate that Roger chatted up in the Detroit airport back a few episodes ago.

Arsenic Pie: And she will end up ostensibly in charge and then unofficially in charge and then in charge. Ooohhh. Okay, I missed that part. But he'll worm his way back into their good graces.

Clovis: Oh totally. Duck is kinda slimey.

Maggie: KINDA?

Arsenic Pie: Duck is way smarmy.

Clovis: Heh. Word.

Arsenic Pie: They should have a smarm off

Clovis: Between Duck and Pete?

Arsenic Pie: Between Duck and Bob Benson. BOB

 Maggie: Whoever leaves the slicked slime trail wins.

 Arsenic Pie: BENSON

 Maggie: I love Bob!

 Arsenic Pie: GIVE IT UP FOR BOB BENSON

 Clovis: BOB BENSON WINS EVERYTHING!!!

 Arsenic Pie: How much do you love him???

 Maggie: He won a frilly apron! And is Joan's Big Gay Best Friend!

 Clovis: Seriously, I loved Bob Benson for his showing up Pete

 Maggie: Hahahah, that was amazing. I feel like he could go crazy, ala Single White Female though.

 Arsenic Pie: He totally showed him up and he's TOTALLY going to figure out Roger is Kevvy's real daddy, if he hasn't already.

Clovis: The thing about that was that Pete has never had to fight for anything in his life - everything's been handed to him and he doesn't know what it means to actually push for something. Bob clearly has those skills and has been using them for his entire career. Bob is also like the new and improved Don Draper

 Maggie: Sidenote: does the agency have ANY kind of vetting process for job applicants??

 Arsenic Pie He's Don 2.0. I don't think so, no. I mean, they hired Don.

 Maggie: : My point, that is it.

 Arsenic Pie: And Peggy got promoted for helping with one or two campaigns.

 Clovis: Maybe they should spend less time banging secretaries and more with their HR department

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, but that would take all the fun out of it. I think they just hire people they like and don't look into their resumes.

Maggie: Clearly. I need to work there. I can be Joan 2.0.

Arsenic Pie I want Don's bar.

Clovis: I'll take Roger's. He seems to have a rum thing going on.

Maggie: Well, then that's agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I want to be Scarlett, Pete's beleaguered secretary.

Maggie: When TV Sluts opens their corporate headquarters, we all know our place.

Arsenic Pie I love Roger. He's just such a rake

Maggie: I love John Slattery, the Silver Fox.

 Arsenic Pie: Like an unabashed, unapologetic rake.

 Clovis: I love how he's becoming outdated and doesn't really let it bother him.

 Arsenic Pie: John Slattery ftw.

 Clovis: Like, Don's worried about losing his mojo. Roger just figures if the ladies don't get him, that's their loss because he's such a catch.

Maggie: He could not give two shits. He has worn that same three-pieced suit style for 30 years, thank you very much.

 Arsenic Pie: This is why we love Roger.

Maggie: That's how I feel about my dating life. (NOT).

Arsenic Pie: Roger is the Honey Badger of Mad Men. Roger don't give a shit.

Clovis: I keep saying that the point of this show is which characters are going to make it through the 60s and which will be tanked. Roger is clearly going to make it, only because he doesn't care.

Maggie: I live in constant fear that Roger will have another heart attack.

Arsenic Pie: I am afraid Ted will kill someone with his plane. Like his wife.

Clovis: Heh. How convenient for Peggy!

Maggie: Or himself?

Arsenic Pie: How much did you love Ken Cosgrove getting Dick Cheneyed? Or all three?

Maggie: Up until this episode, I full on loved Ted. Now not so much. Poor Ken.

Arsenic Pie. I know. Poor Ken.

Clovis: I just want Ken to go write his novel.

Maggie: Remember when he had to give up his writing? Arsenic Pie: I thought he was dead.

Clovis: You know it's what he wants to do.

Maggie: His science fiction novel!

Arsenic Pie: It totally is, but he got married and has to support a kid. Yes!

Maggie: The scene of him tap dancing might be the best thing to ever happen on Mad Men.

Arsenic Pie: Didn't he try to write an episode of Star Trek or am I imagining things? I loved the tap dancing scene.

Clovis: I want him to get it published and then rub it in Pete's face by asking for an endorsement quote for the dust jacket.

Arsenic Pie: He should get an Emmy for that. Oh poor Ken Cosgrove.

Maggie: So, question.

Arsenic Pie: ?

Maggie: Did you all think the season ended on a hopeful note for Don?

Arsenic Pie: I think so.

Maggie: With everything else in free fall, at least he seemed to be opening up to his kids.

Arsenic Pie: He's losing all of his material stuff, but I think he might be able to connect with his kids on some level.

Clovis: I think it ended with him (almost) at rock bottom, almost becoming Dick Whitman again. Whether or not he still has more to fall, I'm not sure.

Arsenic Pie: And his relationship with Betty has improved since the hate sex.

Maggie: But remember how we felt at the end of Season 1, the hopefulness of the Kodak carousel speech? And then that obviously didn't take.

Arsenic Pie: The thing we know about Don is that he can always bounce back.

Clovis: He can bounce back because he always has the trappings of what he believes makes him the impressive man. He's now losing those things.

Maggie: Excellent point. Do you think he could pull a Dick Whitman and now and just leave it all behind and reinvent himself?

Arsenic Pie Right, but I think he has the intellect and fortitude to rise above things, even if he isn't an important Manhattan ad exec. He's done it before. It took major cahones to pretend to be Don Draper in the first place.

Clovis: I think he could, but I don't know if he will. He values himself only in how others see him. He may not be able to pull himself back together without the encouragement of his own youth.

Maggie: I honestly don't know if he would be willing to abandon his kids.

Clovis: Well, Sally maybe. The other two? Who knows?

Maggie: He has had a couple kid revelations this season, like when he took Bobby to the movies.

Clovis: What are their names again? Billy... something.... ;)

Maggie: Sally, Bobby, and Gene.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like if he's more centered if he has people depending on him and he cares about them in a real way, not in an "I have to" way. Well we only care about Sally.

Maggie: Don's just going to return them to the SC&P Prop Department, let's be honest. *shakes head* 

Arsenic Pie: Sally's the only one worth keeping.

Maggie: I dunno, I kind of like Bobby.

Clovis: Literally, since the others have been played by multiple actors.

Maggie: He had some interesting things in the Planet of the Apes episode, he seems like a good kid.

Arsenic Pie: I like the new Bobby. I hope he sticks around. Although he looks like a Brady kid to me. He looks like Peter Brady and Opie had a love child.

Clovis: Somehow Sally has grown into a teenager and Bobby is still perennially 8 years old.

Maggie: I....never really paid attention to what he looked like to be honest. Do we think this is it for Don and Megan?

Arsenic Pie: I didn't even know they had a new Bobby until I looked it up. I hope so. I'm tired of Megan. I know what her purpose is on the show. But she is really boring.

Clovis: I was never a big Megan fan. I know she isn't going anywhere because Matthew Weiner is obsessed with her, but I do hope this is the end of the marriage.

Maggie: Huh, I always liked her. Mostly because she didn't put up with Don's shit....at least the stuff she knew about.

Arsenic Pie: I liked her on that level -- the not putting up with Don's shit level -- but I feel like she's the least interesting of the female characters. Yet she gets the most screen time.

Clovis: Agreed. 

Maggie: Also, she's Canadian.

Arsenic Pie: Yes, I caught that. Since they mention it.

Clovis: Did we really need a year of her quest to become an actress at the expense of Peggy and Joan? 

Arsenic Pie: All the time. I fucking love her mom, though. If for nothing else, Juliette Binoche as Marie is pretty classic.

Maggie: Some follow through with Joan would have been nice. I assume she got Avon, but really they needed more of THAT this season. More Joan, plz.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, WTF happened with Avon? They just dropped that plotline.

Clovis: OMG SPEAKING OF MOMS - How much did we love the Mother Overboard development? 

Arsenic Pie: Did she land the account or what? OMG PETE'S MOM OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!!

Maggie: Apparently, Matthew Weiner thinks it's obvious to the audience that she got the account.

Clovis: I seriously LOLd at that, you guys.

Maggie: That was ridiculous (Pete's Mom) Poor Pete, he is never going to be able to travel ANYWHERE by air or sea.

Arsenic Pie: That was some legit Downton Abbey realness. PEOPLE DO NOT FALL OFF BOATS. 

Clovis: RIGHT!!!!! Maggie: Actually.... It happened on a cruise ship I was on.

Arsenic Pie: Are you serious?

Maggie: Yep.

Arsenic Pie: Did they die?

Maggie: That's the assumption.

Arsenic Pie: Hahahahaha. Omg.

Maggie: If you are in the middle of the ocean and someone comes up missing...

Arsenic Pie: Holy crap.

Clovis: It still happens. proof:

Maggie: I don't think it's actually that uncommon.

Arsenic Pie: Maybe not uncommon, but rare.

Maggie: Especially on cruises with older people. Oops, there goes Grandma!

Clovis: You have to admit, though, it's totally something this show would do. It veers from ultra realism to total absurdity sometimes.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like Pete's mom is going to show up in Venezuela. With a cabana boy.

Maggie: What is the deal with her marrying Manolo??

Clovis: Who's name wasn't even Manolo!

Maggie: Do we think he married and then murdered her for her money??

Arsenic Pie: I just figured Manolo was after her money.

Maggie: I didn't really get what was going on there.

Arsenic Pie: Which Pete and Bud aren't going to let him have.

Clovis: Or because Manolo wanted to stay in the US. Arsenic Pie: If she even has any. Clovis: After all, Manolo knew that Pete was paying all Mother's bills.

Maggie: True. Arsenic Pie: He had to know Mother really didn't have money, or didn't have control of the money. Maybe he's a psychopath.

Maggie: But then why would he marry her? That whole thing was so weird.

Arsenic Pie: And as we know he is gay...

Maggie: Mad Men definitely became more soap operaish, probably because of Megan.

Clovis: Although I feel like that story's likely done. It would be American Horror Story level ridiculous to bring Mother back next season after spending the summer on Gilligan's Island or whatever.

Arsenic Pie: It's totes what happens on soaps.

Clovis: True.

Arsenic Pie: Why doesn't Megan just go to LA?

Clovis: I think she's going to.

Arsenic Pie: Like, she cold leave. No one's stopping her.

Maggie: I think so too. I do think they will have to split the show between LA and NYC.

Arsenic Pie: I was kind of pissed at her for telling Don his kids are screwed up. I mean they are screwed up.

Clovis: Don's pathetic "we'll be bi-coastal" excuse wasn't cutting it for her.

Arsenic Pie: No, she should just go.

Maggie: She instantly felt bad about saying that though. To be fair, they were in the middle of a fight.

Clovis: Yeah, but you know she's been holding that one in a while. She's been overly patient with the kids, Sally in particular, several times.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I can see how she might resent them. Like, Don's left her alone with the kids several times. Several times when she'd been expecting him to be there. And Megan's not really cut out to be a mom. And doesn't want to be, really.

Maggie: Yeah, I thought it was a totally understandable and realistic comment to make in that situation. And so was her response immediately after.

Clovis: Yeah, agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I still want her to leave. ;)

Clovis: I think Megan's generally a nice person. I just am kinda at a loss for what else to do with her story, you know?

Maggie: I guess we'll find out next year!

 Arsenic Pie: There's nothing you can do with her, really. She's nice and good.

 Maggie: Maybe she'll get hit by lightning.

 Arsenic Pie: And that's about it. Or STABBED

 Clovis: HAHAHAHA. By Pete's mother

 Maggie: Or kidnapped.

 Arsenic Pie: Back from Venezuela. AND OMG SHE MISTAKES MEGAN FOR TRUDY.

 Clovis: With Manolo's twin.

 Arsenic Pie: AND STABS HER.

 Maggie: I would watch that show.

 Arsenic Pie: I would watch the shit out of that.

 Clovis: Agreed a thousand times.

At this point, Maggie Cats had to leave the chat in order to work on her Syfy movie draft, which I can't yet  reveal all the secrets of, but I can say that it involves rabid snakes invading Lake Superior. Yes. Rabid. Snakes. You're welcome, America.

Clovis: I totally want to hear what you think of the whole season.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I think it was better than last season. And plenty of OMG and WTF moments to go around. I live for those. But I felt like there should have been more Joan and more Betty.

Clovis: Agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I liked that we saw a lot of Peggy.

Clovis: The women characters are so much more interesting than the men, I think.

Arsenic Pie: But honestly...less Megan.

Clovis: HAHAHA totally. I didn't like how last year became The Megan Show.

Arsenic Pie: Legit. I'm sure she's nice and all, but less Megan. It was The Megan Show. I don't hate her, I just think the other female characters on the show are more interesting. I did like how they focused on Sally. Because she kills it on that show.

Clovis: I feel like Matthew Weiner was tricked out over January Jones and so gave her all this screen time that she hadn't earned because she's not that great of an actress. Then when Jones got a boyfriend that wasn't Weiner, he found another actress to obsess over. Sally is totally the character that you just want to see what happens to her. Like, I really want to see a postscript with a 60-year-old Sally in the modern day and see what becomes of her life.

 Arsenic Pie: I feel like he's unnecessarily mean to Peggy. Sally will be divorced three times. With four kids. Three of whom hate her.

 Clovis: Exactly. I feel like sometimes Peggy really gets written as the Ball Buster or something.

 Arsenic: I feel like JJ is a better actress than Jessica Pare. The thing is, Peggy isn't even a feminist. She wants to get married and have kids. She just can't. Not a feminist in the traditional sense.

 Clovis: Yeah, I probably agree. And I don't think JJ is that great. Jessica Pare just doesn't have a lot of talent aside from looking pretty and playing one or two rote emotions. Yeah, true on Peggy.

 Arsenic Pie: I don't even think JP is that pretty, honestly. She's horsey. JJ is prettier.

 Clovis: It's true.

 Arsenic Pie: It is. Girl's got a horse face. Anyway, yeah. Peggy isn't the single-minded career woman who chooses work over family.

 Clovis: Seriously. She's getting by a lot on the fact that she speaks French and so has other skills to work with.

Arsenic Pie: She has no choice. If she wants goodies she has to earn them. I get annoyed when she speaks French. It's like they think we forget she's French so they have to remind us.

Clovis: Exactly. Plus, she's willing to do whatever for a man. She was all "Oh, you want to live in a hovel but give me babies, Abe? Okay!"

Arsenic Pie: But Juliette Binoche is hysterical. She is. She will bend over backwards for a guy, unless it's Pete.

Clovis: Haha. Pete.

 Arsenic Pie: Hahahaha. Pete.

Clovis: You screwed the pooch on that one, buddy. 

Arsenic Pie: Eventually, I will feel sorry for Pete. That day has not arrived.

Clovis: God I hate watching Pete and his tantrums. I mean, I like how he's written because it's good that the audience is allowed to dislike him and he is given depths. But dude.

Arsenic Pie: I felt so bad for his mom. He was so mean to her. I don't even dislike Pete. I think he's hilarious.

Clovis: Can I also say that I just really want Bob Benson to totally smack Pete down?

Arsenic Pie: Oh, totally. Bob Benson is my new hero. That actor reminds me of Jason Sudeikis so I have a hard time taking Bob Benson seriously.

Clovis: Vincent Kartheiser does a really wonderful job of showing how false Pete is when he's trying to be smarmy. He also plays Pete as someone who totally idolized Don Draper without understanding that he's looking in the wrong direction of history. Ironically, Bob is the character that is most like Don, but is doing Don Draper better than Don Draper does right now.

Arsenic Pie: They should make a Bob Benson action figure.

 Clovis: I would buy that action figure. Especially if it came with the self-help records.

Arsenic Pie: And the headphones. Someone put us in charge of AMC merch.

 Clovis: Right?!?!

 Arsenic Pie: I love how Bob is another Don Draper, and it disgusts Pete so much to meet people like Don and Bob. Because as you say, Pete has had everything handed to him. And Don and Bob may lie, but they work for what they have.

 Clovis: And Pete sees them as being not worthy because they aren't the right kind of person.

 Arsenic Pie: Yes, and also because he's puritanical and sees himself as the moral center. Whereas everyone else is morally bankrupt.

 Clovis: Despite being equally as bankrupt as everyone else.

 Arsenic Pie: Or more so.

 Clovis: "Know thyself" is not advice he ever thought worth taking, clearly.

 Arsenic Pie: Pete justifies everything in his head, and when things go wrong for him, then he thinks other people are out to get him. Like, he would not take the time to get adequate care for his mother, so he hires Manolo. Then blames Bob for things going haywire.

 Clovis: That's totally his MO - take the easy way out that will get him the most benefit for the least work and then never accept responsibility. That particular track was brought out most i thought when he was one of the biggest advocates of prostituting Joan out so that they could get a wealthy client.

 Arsenic Pie: Oh, he was all for that. And Don was against it. Don is the only guy in that office who has never hit on Joan. He either doesn't sexualize her or he respects her, or both. Well maybe with the exception of Bert Cooper, but I doubt his engines fire anymore.

Clovis: Exactly. The one time he sorta kinda did (when he took her out to drive around in the jaguar) even then it wasn't really something he was aiming for. And Joan, to her credit, refers to Don as "irresistible", but can resist him perfectly fine herself because she knows what it would be like to be with him.

Arsenic Pie: It's so weird how he's never disrespected her, when practically every man disrespects Joan. 

Clovis: I wonder if that's because, despite his own treatment of women, he knows what it's like to be around women who have to work for afford their lives.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like he respects Joan, and he doesn't respect women in general. But he doesn't respect Peggy.

 Clovis: I mean, Joan's no prostitute, even that one client aside, but there are similarities. Yeah, true. But he kinda does - he values her a lot. He just doesn't know how to show it. His need to manipulate her always wins out.

 Arsenic Pie: He treats Peggy the way he treats his male colleagues. And Peggy takes it personally.

Clovis: My favorite scene in the entire series so far is the one last season where she tells him she's leaving and for the first time, he actually shows affection to her, partially as a tactic, but also because he knows that he's lost her and he'll never get her back, really.

 Arsenic Pie: I guess I should say he doesn't treat Peggy with the same respect he shows Joan. He won't. Don was her mentor and he didn't give her what she felt she was entitled to. Now I think she's just going to take it. Instead of waiting for a man to give it to her.

Clovis: I hope so. I mean, It's easy to make Peggy the stand-in for feminism when, as you say, she isn't, really. But she's one of the characters that I really like, so I really want her to come out on top of this. 

Arsenic Pie: She's way not a stand-in for feminism. I was really hoping things would work out with Ted. Then I realized what a tool he is.

 Clovis: What about that massive turn around?

 Arsenic Pie: She's the Edith.

 Clovis: It only took him, what, half a day after sleeping with Peggy to be all like "shit, I've got to go to California. Haha, she so is.

 Arsenic Pie: Ikr. First he was like, "I don't love my wife. I love you." Then he figured he had to stay with her. Out of what? Pity? Inertia? I feel like Peggy can't catch a break.

 Clovis: Little of column A, little of column B?

Arsenic Pie: Maybe.

 Clovis: I also found it interesting that this is the first time we've seen Peggy really play up her sex appeal. Arsenic Pie: HAHA I LOVED THAT

 Clovis:  Peggy NEVER toys around with sex, probably because of what happened with Pete.

Arsenic Pie: When she walked into that office full of dudes. 

Clovis: But she did this time and did it FULL FORCE

 Arsenic Pie: AND SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE A PLAYBOY BUNNY. No, she is all business, all the time. I thought that was awesome. She owned that shit. And you know it is prolly the first time people like Cutler took any notice of her.

 Clovis: Yeah, exactly. Also, fucking Harry Crane. That guy can't resist throwing in a stupid, sexist statement, can he?

 Arsenic Pie: No, he really cannot

 Clovis: He refers to every woman as a "sex kitten" if they do anything more than be dumpy. 

Arsenic Pie: I like how we've never seen his wife. Like ever.

 Clovis: That said, I actually kind of like Harry. I just think he's a putz.

 Arsenic Pie: Harry's an idiot, but a lovable one.

 Clovis: I know, right? We've seen the secretaries he's slept with, but never his family.

 Arsenic Pie: Supposedly, he has a wife. I don't think we've seen Ken's wife, either. We've met Trudy.

 Clovis: And you just know that he was angling to become partner so he could run the LA office. Now I guess he's out of that running.

 Arsenic Pie: We've met Trudy a bunch. Nah, there are too many sharks in that office for Harry to be in charge of anything. He doesn't have the balls.

Clovis: I love Trudy, BTW. But then, it's Allison Brie, who everyone loves.

 Arsenic Pie: Who doesn't love Allison Brie? No one. That's who.

 Clovis: Only a fucking monster, that's who.

FUCK YOU, SARAH MACLACHLAN.

 Arsenic Pie: HER LAST NAME IS CHEESE. A DELICIOUS CHEESE. I also love Trudy. I loved it when she kicked Pete out.

 Clovis: I KNOW RIGHT!!!

Arsenic Pie: SHE WAS SO PISSED.

 Clovis: I know we haven't seen everything from her perspective, but she's also the only one who's kicked out the husband and not given a fuck about it. She's been all like "screw you guys, I'm going home" over this and content to raise her kid on her own.

 Arsenic Pie: And she was one of the most conservative and traditional women on the show. At least, that's how she was presented. She did her little early 60's housewife thing. She even told Pete when she kicked him out that she'd expected that he'd cheat on her.

 Clovis: She's barreling into the 1970's full steam ahead.

 Arsenic Pie: She is Trudy. Hear her RAWR. It's going to be all Garp, all the time at that house now.

Clovis: For realz.

Arsenic Pie: Fo shiznit.

At this point, both Clovis and I had to leave the chat in order to don our parkas and grab our harpoons en route to Siberia to save some wayward nerpas, who were in an advanced state of distress.

EHERMAGEHRD. THA CUHTE!

You Found a Prostitute that Takes Traveler's Checks?

The quality of mercy is not strain'd
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blesst
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

My corset itches, Bassanio. Also, I am really racist.

I once recited, with great aplomb (and hand gestures), that monologue in its entirety in front of an entire undergraduate introductory English class. AND I SCHOOLED THEM. Because why? Because we were studying the play and we all divided up into groups to do different scenes, and no one wanted to be Portia in the courtroom scene, so I volunteered. Why? Because I'm an attention whore, that's why! I WAS THE BEST PORTIA IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. 

Okay, maybe not as cool as this Portia. 

I ran a clinic on that monologue. I posted part of it here so you can search for deeper meaning in the episode bearing the title, "The Quality of Mercy." I assume that if you're reading this blog that that is the kind of thing you spend your time doing. So, have at it. The Merchant of Venice quote is a nice choice, considering all the Jewish jokes spread throughout the show. Oh, anti-Semitism.  *Jazz hands*

Victorian postcard portrayals of saucy wenches and other high-minded strumpets.

Welcome TV Sluts, to the TVSluts Mad Men-a-palooza AMC-a-go-go. This last episode before the finale was like a Mad Men cake with five layers of oh no he didn't, topped with oh no he better don't frosting. And a cherry on top. 

So, Don wakes up shitfaced, in a fetal position, hoping that that dream he had about letting his daughter catch him in bed with the neighbor lady was just a dream. Nope. Nope, that shiz was real. In an act of defiance, Don is drinking Tropicana OJ and not Sunkist. Megan wants Don to take a break, and then she burns the eggs. She asks him to stay home and "sleep it off" today, and then she heads to work. There's all kind of ominous music. 

So, Ken Cosgrove is out hunting with some clients and in an incredibly Dick Cheney move, one of them shoots him instead of whatever fowl they were hunting. Well. Crap.

Ahh, nature. The birds. The trees. The sun. The....ahhh! My eye! My fucking eye!

Three minutes in and we are off to a rousing start. In an ironic twist, Don's home watching a Nixon ad about how he's tough on crime. Tell that to poor fucking Ken Cosgrove, man. Don switches the channel and then he sees Megan, in that bad wig, pretending to be the really French sister of the other French character she plays on TV. She's more French than she is in real life. And Jessica Pare is French Canadian. It's all very meta. Then the phone rings and IT'S BETTY.  Betty wants to talk Sally and Don wants to know what's up, and Sally's been refusing to visit Don. Betty still has no idea what happened and Betty tells Don that Sally wants to go away to a boarding school. 

Carnation Instant Breakfast: Have the energy you need to telephone your ex-husband.

Back at SC&P, Ted's successfully gotten his hands all over Ocean Spray. Ted and Peggy are FLIRTING and telling everyone about this HILARIOUS guy who took them around the plant. He had a red shirt and he talked like a really bad Kennedy impersonator. Hahaha. Hahaha. No, seriously, you had to be there. Ginsberg wants to know if no one has noticed that Cran-Prune sounds like a glass of diarrhea (it does) and Ted tells him they can't change the names. Ginsberg gets up to say he has to use the bathroom, but really it's a ploy to get Ted and Peggy out of the room. Yes, please. Get a room. 

Mmm...kay. To do: 1) Flirt with Peggy.  2) Flirt with Peggy more. 3) Feel guilty. 4) Go home to neglected wife.

The phone rings at Megan and Don's and it's Harry Crane and he has good news!  Now Sunkist wants to deal with SC&P and Don tells Harry that it's a conflict and he has to drop it. Great shorts, Harry. Jeffrey, the fat Sunkist reps, took a look at the media plan and wants to do TV. Don tells Harry he should have told them that they had a conflict with Sunkist. Megan's idea is to take Don out of the apartment.

Don's at a movie with Megan and awkwardly run into Ted and Peggy AT EFFING ROSEMARY'S BABY and Don doesn't like it that Ted is hanging with Peggy and let's remember that Don's supposed to be home sick today. Megan's convinced that Ted and Peggy are having an affair and Don thinks Megan's been on a soap too long.  Ted tries to brush it off by saying they're doing "research" for the St. Joseph aspirin spot. No, you blew off work to play footsie in a dark theater.  Don and Megan head home and Don decides to, yet once more, go behind everyone's back and make a business decision. He phones Harry Crane in Cali.

False alarm. Ken Cosgrove is alive and he hates Michigan a bunch. Chevy has been trying to kill him and Pete tells him to man up. Pete GRACIOUSLY offers to take the Chevy people off Cosgrove's hands. Cosgrove's wife Cynthia is pregnant and he wants off the account, and Pete sees his opportunity and offers his services to take over the account. He cuts a deal with Cosgrove to get Cosgrove off the account. 

You know, cyclops have feelings, too.

At the morning partners meeting (which Joan does not attend), Don and Roger present Sunkist to Cutler and Ted. Sunkist wants an $8 million TV ad, and Cutler is on board with Don and Roger, but Ted hates the idea. Let's remember that Don gave Ted his WORD OF HONOR AS A GENTLEMAN that if Ted pulled strings with Mitchell Rosen, Don would back off Sunkist. Upon agreeing to take the Sunkist account, Ted tells Don he wants Peggy on the account. Because you know. Juice experience. Stuff like that.

Rosemary's Baby. What a RIOT! *Snortgigglegigglesnort*

So Pete has his gun out, which is always a good sign, and Miss Scarlett tries to give Pete advice about firearms. She informs him that he has a .22 and that isn't good for anything but squirrels. Scarlett tells him he's got a meeting with Old Man Cooper, and she straightens his tie. Awwwww. Yeahhhh. Pete Campbell. Gettin' some secretary tail. 

Bert's called a meeting with Roger, Cutler, Cosgrove and, yes, Bob Benson! BOB BENSON!!! Pete hasn't calculated this very well, but he must have been aware that when he volunteered to take Chevy that Cutler put Troutshorts on the Chevy account. Pete doesn't want to work with Bob, and Pete tries to worm out of it, but Cosgrove tries to convince Pete that he needs Troutshorts. Troutshorts graciously leaves so that they can discuss this amongst themselves, but you know he is seething and plotting as he leaves. Plotting. Yes. Plotting.

Cutler lets Pete know that, on no uncertain terms,  he has to work with Troutshorts. Cutler likes Troutshorts. Chevy likes Troutshorts. We all like Troutshorts,  Pete. Pete realizes he's been beaten, thanks them and leaves. Turn that Pete Campbell Smarm-o-Meter up to 11.

So. In potential serial killer news, Pete graciously shakes Bob's hand, and they have a very polite and intense exchange about how Troutshorts is gay, Pete thinks it's sick, and how Pete should watch what he says to people. Or else! See you later, old sport!

Pete yells at Scarlett, thus likely ruining his chances at some potential casual banging and he calls his old buddy Duck Phillips. Pete wants Duck to find a way to get Troutshorts out of the office by way of presenting Troutshorts with some other opportunities. Duck promises to help Pete out if Pete pays him $1,000 for the work, and Pete readily agrees. Meanwhile, Troutshorts esta hablando espanol con su novio (o eso?), Manolo. Dice que Pete es un hijo de punta. MOTHER shows up a bit later, annoying Pete with her -- well, her existence, really. Apparently, Pete has engaged the services of a beleaguered and terrified young nurse, Josephine. MOTHER informs Pete that she's in need of her passport because she's going on a trip and she also tells him that she's spoken to Manolo about the way Pete treats Troutshorts. This causes Pete to blow his stack again because HE GAVE ORDERS that MOTHER wasn't to see Manolo anymore, and Pete says all kinds of insulting things to MOTHER and threatens to fire poor Josephine for...well, because he's an ass.

In future teen delinquent news, Betty and Sally are on their way up to Sally's ritzy private school and Betty steals one of Sally's fries. Betty reminds Sally that one of her friends in school went away to boarding school.

Betty: Did I tell you she hated her mother?

Sally: Good for her.

Betty can't figure out why Sally suddenly wants to go to boarding school, and she figures it has something to do with her. No, worries, Betty. Sally hates the world.

Now, dear, it's all right to be blase, but we want to make sure you're the right kind of blase.

At . other end of the SC&P office, Ted and Peggy are having entirely too much fun with the St. Joseph account, with poor Joan held hostage to witness all of this flirtin' and Ted and Peggy (with Joan in a cameo as The Jewish Mother) 

Peggy soon learns that this is also Ted's O face. 

Ted and Peggy leave the meeting like a couple of giddy school kids after Don agrees to attend casting. This is where he finds out from Joan that the St. Joseph budget is $5,000, but Ted and Peggy have racked up over $35,000 in incidentals. St. Joseph hasn't seen the new budget and Don is livid, wanting to know who's been paying for the casting. Joan says that they have so far, and Don asks if the plan is to spring it on St. Joseph in the meeting. This is where Joan takes the opportunity to remind of him of her lack of power in the agency,  and says, "I don't know, Don. I don't tell them what to do." Don calls St. Joseph while Peggy and Ted are at casting and sends them a budget, and St. Joseph calls Ted during casting and puts a stop to it because they are angry about the budget. Don wants to know why Ted pushed St. Joseph when they've been running the same ad for 20 years, and Ted explains it's because the client wanted a more memorable ad. Peggy came up with some great work and Ted doesn't want to let her down and asks Don to back him up at the meeting the next day. 

Sally begins her overnight at Hogwarts, and this is where we discover that Hogwarts is populated with cynical, chain-smoking, bored little rich girls who expect Sally to bring them liquor, cigarettes, boys, and, if she can score it, weed.

Anyway, so Sally's stuck at this boarding school with some teen skanks. Eager to fit in Sally tells them she can get them anything they want. So, what does she do? She calls Glenn, who brings along one of his uber horny teen friend, weed and alcohol. 

Tonight, on a very special episode of Mad Men.

Duck Phillips calls Pete with some GREAT NEWS. Well, it's great news for Pete, but not-so-great news for SC&P. Turns out, Troutshorts aka Bob Benson aka Alias is a total fake. Total fraud. Didn't go to UPenn. Never went to Deloitte. He called Barriman Bros. because of the info Pete gave him, and they DO remember Bob Benson. Turns out, he is from West Virginia (mountain mama, take me home) and a senior VP's buttboy. Duck says he's never seen anything like this before and Pete says, "I have." Awww. Yeah.

Meanwhile, back at the After School Special, Sally is shitfaced. Glenn's hitting on Sally's roomie, and roomie takes Glenn into another room so he can "read her diary." That's what the kids are calling it these days.

I"m so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm...so...scared.

Glenn's buddy Rolo is putting the moves on Sally, but Sally's about two steps past playing Barbies and also likely has some serious issues with human mating rituals. He gets mad at her, and Sally bangs on the door where Glenn is...banging her roommate. Glenn is mad at Rolo for hitting on Sally because he's like her sister, and Glenn punches Rolo. Did you see that little smile on Sally's face? Oh, I did. Is she totally geeked about witnessing violence or is she happy that someone -- Glenn -- is taking on the daddy role and beating someone up to protect her? A little of both? A little swirl? Glenn has to leave, and you'd think Sally's roomie would be mad at her for being a cockblock, but she seems a little impressed that Sally got a boy to beat up another boy for her sake.

Don and partners sit down to meet with St. Joseph so they can understand all of this spendthrifting. Ted tries to convince St. Joseph that their campaign is worth the money, but St. Joseph isn't buying it. St. Joseph wants a reason, and Don takes charge. He gives a long spiel, giving himself enough time to think of something convincing to pull out of his ass. Don puts Ted on the spot, asking Ted to read his mind and decipher the utter bullshit that is about to come out of Don's mouth. Don tells St. Joseph that it was FRANK GLEASON'S LAST IDEA, humiliating Ted and stealing Peggy's thunder. Don, you are a heel. On the up side, St. Joseph agrees to the campaign and a budget of $25,000. After the partners leave, Peggy gives Don a death look. Ted asks Don WTF that was all about, and Don tells Ted that Ted's feelings for Peggy are getting in the way of his work.

Works wonders for professional rivalry, infidelity and other ailments of the digestion.

Pete confronts Bob and tells Troutshorts that he knows Troutshorts a fake.  Pete decides to keep his enemy closer and offers not to tell anyone about what he found out in exchange for Troutshorts agreeing to work alongside him and not to do anything underhanded or backstabbing. Pete's such a puritanical hypocrite that he thinks he has to take the high ground with Troutshorts, and lecture him about integrity, because Bob's lied about who he is and where he came from, whereas Pete's just been spoiled all his life.

Peggy asks to see Ted and his secretary tells him he's left for the day. Peggy asks when he left, and the secretary tells her he left when Peggy asked to see him. Peggy thinks, "Oh no he better did not!" and marches into that Don Draper's office and gives him a piece of her mind. Peggy accuses Don of killing Ted, killing the ad and killing everything because, as she says, Don can't stand it that Ted is a good man. Don responds with, "He's not that virtuous," and I think anyone who's seen the finale already (which is all of you) can now get behind that statement. Get behind it like Troutshorts behind a VP. 

Betty takes Sally home from Hogwarts and tells her that things went well for her, and that the school would be pleased to have her. Remember when Betty stole a fry? Betty lets Sally have a cig in exchange for said fry. Betty justifies it by saying that she's sure Don has given her a beer.. Sally takes a drag of her cigarette, stares out the window and says, "My father's never given me anything."

Boom! That's it for part one of the Mad Men-a-palooza. Stay tuned for the TVSluts Mad Men Threeway, part of this complete liquid breakfast.

Our Biggest Challenge Is To Not Get Syphilis

So, I spent most of this episode waiting for Pete Campbell to either go ballistic in the office of SCDPEDBSBSXQJ or jump out a window. 

Not a whole lot happened in this episode OMGZ-wise like last week (like, seriously, WTF), but it was the first full-fledged Joan episode this season, so I was happy that the writing started focusing on Joan being a more active business partner, even though That's Not How Things Work Around Here. I love how Joan is one of the few decent people in a sea of morally bankrupt human beings. She's so decent that it doesn't even bother me when she starts acting like some of the more douchey characters on the show, because she's learned that if you want to play with the big boys, you've got to get your hands a little dirty.

I grew some balls to complement my amazing tatas.

So, in the wake of the Bobby Kennedy assassination, Don is watching the Democratic National Convention. Megan thinks no one will vote for Hubert Humphrey, and Don is skeptical that Nixon will win. Wrong horse, Don. Don's heading out to Cali and invites Megan along, but she can't go. Don and Megan seem a little closer in this episode, but we know it won't be long before he's led astray yet once more.

Back at the office, Ken Cosgrove's been let into double secret offices at GM. There's one GM exec who's giving them a hard time and tabling all their ideas due to a lack of ass kissing. Roger doesn't know his name. Jack Something. All the execs are named Jack. Pete offers to go to Detroit, but Ted says he'll go (and presumably fly himself). Don strolls in late and this commences a  spectacular convo about SCDPCGC being a bit of a mouthful for the clients. The clients don't know the official name of the firm, and neither does the firm itself, so they're all swimming in a sea of letters.

No one has observed the memo that requested specifically that all seven letters be used when answering the phone. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Cutler Gleason and Shaw. Roger suggests that they all lose a letter, and Don thinks the abbreviation sounds like a stutter. Bert Cooper says he'll  take his name off the list, along with all of the deceased partners. Oh, Bert. We see you there. You're adorably grumpy. Don suggests they just get a bigger front door.

Cutler: Of course you like it. You're at the front. I'm at the end.

Ted: I'm at the end!

That's what she said!

And it's off to LA for Roger and Don to meet with Carnation, leaving Harry Hamlin to meet with Manischewitz. 

On the plane, Roger's annoyed with Don because Don's working on the Carnation Instant Breakfast account. They're execs, says Roger. They're working with rednecks and hayseeds and said rednecks and hayseeds will trust two gentlemen from the big city. Big New York Ad Men. 

Hey, there! Georgie Girl!

Over in creative's freeflowing workspace, Ginsberg and Stan are listening to a news report about Vietnam. Ginsberg is mad because Humphrey doesn't have a peace plan for the war. Cutler wants to know what work they've actually got done on the Manischewitz account and the answer to that question is zero. Zilch. Exactly. Nada. Ginsberg accuses Cutler of being glib about the lack of a peace plan because he's for the war, and Cutler points out that he served in the Air Force. Ginsberg gets ticked off and tells Cutler that Cutler disgusts him and then it devolves into yet another in-office shouting match, in which Ginsberg calls Cutler a fascist and a Nazi (not sure how that works), and Cutler burns Ginsberg by pointing out that Ginsberg is a hippie who cashes checks from Dow Chem. Ouch. 

Then...is it a bird? Is it a plane! It's...it's...it's OUR HERO, Troutshorts (nee Bob Benson). Troutshorts wants to know what this ruckus is about, and Cutler yells at Troutshorts. Poor Troutshorts. Cutler later approaches Troutshorts and asks him to accompany him on the presentation for Manischewitz. One small step for Troutshorts. One giant step for earnest possibly evil account men.

My biography, Full Frontal Nudity: The Making of an Accidental Actor, is available at fine booksellers nationwide.

In Ted's office, Cutler tells Ted he wants to fire some of the SCDP staff, namely Ginsberg. He thinks they should fire the the SCDP people while Draper and Sterling are in LA. Yeah. Because that will go over well. Ted tells Cutler that they can't fire Ginsberg; he's too good. Then Cutler storms out.

Remember Joan's friend Kate? The one who works for Avon? Well, Kate set Joan up on a date. Joan goes to lunch with Andy, an ostensibly divorced man who keeps talking about his wife. He's also the head of marketing for Avon. Andy asks Joan what he should look for in an agency, then it dawns on Joan that this is also a business lunch and she makes her move. Joan sells SCDP. She sells it hard. Andy asks Joan what her job is, and since she can't tell him it's head secretary, she tells him she's in charge of giving people what they want before they even ask for it. Then she pays for lunch. Sold!

Joan comes back from lunch and talks to Peggy. Peggy urges Joan to set a meeting, even though Don and Roger are out of town. Peggy's stoked. Peggy suggests that they take it to Ted, and Joan's concerned about getting kicked off the account. But Peggy urges Joan to ask to be the account man, and Joan sees her opportunity. 

Peggy approaches Ted and tells him the news, and Ted brings in Pete Campbell (and also makes him head of new business, which Pissy Pete doesn't want because, like, OMG he's twelve). Ted instructs Pete to set a meeting for the next day with Peggy, and unwittingly excludes Joan. Joan insists on coming to the lunch, and Pete insists that, under no uncertain circumstances, that this is how things are done. Joan's offended and walks away insulted. Pete, however, assures Joan that she'll get all the credit. Yeah. Right.

Don, Roger and Harry Crane pull up at their hotel in swinging 60s style. Don's grumpy because Roger kept talking on the plane, and Roger's grumpy that Don doesn't want to par-tay. Don's a Responsible Husband and Father now, Roger. Harry Crane, however, has been invited to a party in the Hollywood Hills with some movie and TV execs. I'm sure there's no way that could possibly end badly.

You folks want to see me give Slattery a wedgie? Hold on. This cracks him up when I do this.

On the teevee news,  protesters are being arrested and clubbed for demonstrating outside the 1968 Democratic National Convention, which was held at the Chicago Hilton. Megan on the phone with Don and expresses that she's upset, and Don tactfully reminds her that she can't vote. 

Peggy shows up the the lunch and Joan walks in, sans Pete, and tells Peggy that she didn't invite Pete. Joan tells Peggy that she can leave, but before she can, Andy arrives and Joan introduces them and sells Andy on Peggy.  Peggy starts babbling about her Avon lady and Joan takes charge of the meeting. Andy expresses his frustration with nagging sales, what with these working females and these darn hippies who don't wear make-up. Peggy asks Andy if he thinks that maybe his ad campaign might be intentionally old-fashioned,

and suggests that they have the Avon lady come to the office. Joan even comes up with a tag line, "There's no doorbell in an office." Peggy smiles politely, but sister knows she's been upstaged. 

Meanwhile at Carnation, Harry, Roger and Don are meeting with Mitt Romney's Zombie. Mitt Romney's Zombie is gleefully expressing his opinion that the Democrats are dead. Maybe not even just for now. MAYBE FOREVER. BWAHAHA.

Oopsie.

In walks Jack, the head honcho at Carnation.Remember when Roger said they're all named Jack? THEY'RE ALL NAMED JACK. 

Jack is mad that they were laughing about the riots and how said riots handed the election to Nixon. Jack is offended and thought last night was disgusting. Because the protests lacked eight essential vitamins and minerals and were a delicious way to start your day? Because police were beating people who were exercising their constitutionally protected right to protest? No! Because of Those Damn Long-Haired Hippies! They shamed this country. Can Nixon fix that? Nixon's an opportunist. You know who's a patriot? Dutch. Reagan. That's who. Now let's talk about how our nasty ass processed chalky instant food product is part of this complete breakfast.

Peggy is PISSED at Joan. She tells Joan that, on no uncertain terms, Joan threw away her access to the Avon account. Joan feels like Peggy doesn't respect her, and Joan feels like Avon is hers. Joan and Peggy hash it out, with Peggy reminding Joan that she used to ridicule her when Peggy first started writing copy. Joan insults Peggy by insinuating that Peggy rode Don's coattails and didn't work hard enough on her own, and Peggy retorts that she never slept with Don. Joan takes that comment personally, and reminds Peggy that the only thing that matters now is who has a personal relationship with the client and that's Joan. 

Benson's in his office, honest to shit listening to a vinyl recording on how to be a good salesman, when Stan beckons him into his office. Ginsberg is having a full on panic attack and wants to bow out of the Manischewitz meeting. Troutshorts goes all motivational speaker on Ginsberg, but Ginsberg's convinced that he's part of the Dark Side. Troutshorts tries to convince Ginsberg that Manischewitz isn't a bad company; they're YOUR PEOPLE.  Then Ginsberg asks TS if TS is a homo. Yes, it's a great day for political correctness.

Roger is all dressed up in the latest Aristotle Onassis fashions. Our slick, cool cats, Don and Roger, are heading to the Hollywood Hills party. No, you're not hallucinating. They are, in fact, playing Harper Valley PTA. Things go pretty well until Roger runs into Jane's cousin,  Danny. Remember Danny? Danny worked for SCDP for a hot minute while Roger was married to Jane. He wasn't very good at advertising, but he's become a Hollywood director/producer in the mean time. Roger opens with his usual round of 12-year-old boy charm, and tells a string of short jokes that aren't even worthy of Cartman. Roger, you are a total square.

Don's talking to some hipster guy out near the pool who does jingles, and he's distracted by ladies in bikinis. He excuses himself and wanders into an ashram, where there are several stoned people worshiping at the ganja altar. This Bettyish blonde offers Don "a nipple" (not that kind of nipple, you pervs) and Don sits down and tokes up. 

Again, I want to remind people that there is no way that this could possibly go wrong.

Roger starts hitting on Danny's old lady, Lois, who is, of course, tripping on acid. Danny approaches and tells Lois it's time to leave, and Roger starts in with the smack talk, which ultimately ends in Danny punching Roger directly in the nutsack. See, it helps to be short.

Inside the party, Don's cornered the Bettyish blonde in a corner and he's baked. Yes, here we go again with Don cheating. Then Megan shows up. And she tells him she's totally okay with all this free love. At this point, we know Don's hallucinating because Megan would cut off his balls if she caught him with another woman. THC Delusion Megan leads Don through the party, where she reveals she is pregnant. WHAT? Then she morphs into the Vietnam soldier from the season premiere. Remember him? The one who got married on the beach. Anyway, he's real dead now. Then Don thinks he fell into the pool and drowned, but it turns out he just fell in the pool. And he is high. He is really, really high.

Make the most of the hemp seed! And sow it everywhere!

On the up side, Ted has great news! He kissed the right asses and things are a go and troublesome Jack is off the account. Troutshorts comes in and tells them that Manischewitz has put them in review because they haven't been happy with their work. Cutler was supposed to go to the presentation for Manischewitz, but he let Bob and Ginsberg take it. Cutler puts Troutshorts on the Chevy account without first consulting Ted, and Ted feels like Cutler is trying to split the firm in half. (Spoiler alert: he is). Cutler is nonplussed. 

Don's hung over and dying of TB on the flight back to New York. Roger gives Don some uncharacteristically sage advice, gleaned from his shrink. According to Roger's shrink, it's the business of our lives to know ourselves and love who we are. Will Don take his advice to heart or lapse back into a downward spiral of self-loathing? The voyeur in me hopes it is the latter.

MEANWHILE, Pete is royally pissed at Joan. He calls Joan into the conference room and rips into her. Pete's riled up because Avon sent over a box of samples to the girls and Andy left a note on the box about a "productive breakfast." 

I sent you to the store to get cake! 

Pete throws a temper tantrum (because he's a tween girl), and Joan tries to explain it away as confusion. This is such BS on Pete's part because you know he'd be the first to throw someone else under the bus and steal their client. Peggy bursts in and Joan has it out with Pete, with Pete accusing Joan of sleeping with Avon (literally) to gain an upper hand with the client and Joan says, "Because it's better than being screwed by you."

Pete storms out and brings in Ted, hoping that Ted will back him up. Ted comes in and scolds Joan and Pete kicks Peggy out of the meeting. Fortunately for Peggy, there's a one-sided window in Joan's office (with audio), so Peggy listens in on the convo. Pete continues to throw a fit, and tells Joan that she breached the fundamental rules of how the business works. Peggy hastily scribbles a note and sends Meredith in to deliver it in the conference room. Meredith reads out the fake message, which reads that Andrew Hayes from Avon is on the phone for her. Ted angrily orders Joan to go take the call and Pete continues to be pissy. Ted tells Pete he needs to suck it up. Joanie thanks Peggy for saving her ass, and Peggy tells Joan to hope that Andy really calls.

Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites.

Pete's waiting for Don and Roger when they arrive, and then the partners meet in Don's office. Roger's nonplussed about the Manischewitz account because he's been expecting it, so he effectively asked Cutler to cover an account he was already pretty certain they were going to lose. On a happier note, they've decided on a name, and they're dropping all the partners except Roger and Bert from the firm's name. Heretofore, they will be known as Sterling, Cooper & Partners. Pete tries to warn Don that there's all kinds of mutiny and shenanigans a-happening, and Don tells Pete that if he doesn't like it, then he should get out of the business. 

Pete wanders aimlessly into creative. One thinks he's going to go all Lane Pryce on us all, but Pete may be too ineffectual to actually kill himself. He instead just steals a joint from Stan. 

Only three more episodes this season.