The Strain

My friend, GeekNomad, and I are both fans of Guillermo del Toro's The Strain Trilogy of books (though she liked it better than I did). When I heard that FX was turning the books into a television series, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Did we really need another series about vampires? The books explored a different and frankly, darker, outcome of the vampirism-as-virus genre, but I wasn't sure how that would translate to a network television series. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as if it worked out that well. Here to fill you in on the good and bad of FX's newest drama series is our new guest poster, GeekNomad!

A caveat before we begin: I loved the book The Strain. It has that kind of slow, sinister creep that makes you turn on all the lights in your house while you’re reading.

Like his more famous work, Pan’s Labyrinth, Guillermo del Toro’s horror/vampire/we’reallgonnadie trilogy started out with a seemingly straightforward, if depressing premise (plane full of dead people on a JFK tarmac, girl and mother in the clutches of a sadistic fascist) and spun a web to pull you in. Slowly. Carefully.

He let’s you think that everything might turn out ok...and then slowly it unravels. And you learn about the heart. The history. The creeping terror.

The TV version has opted to forego the slow descent into horror for the tried and true approach - gore and noise. And a really daft voiceover on the intro and finale. Rather than let the audience lean forward slowly in their seats as they’re sucked into the story, the director grabs us and tries to force us to pay attention, to care. It doesn’t necessarily work, which is a great disappointment.

From FX:

The Strain is a high concept thriller that tells the story of "Dr. Ephraim Goodweather," the head of the Center for Disease Control Canary Team in New York City. He and his team are called upon to investigate a mysterious viral outbreak with hallmarks of an ancient and evil strain of vampirism. As the strain spreads, Eph, his team, and an assembly of everyday New Yorkers, wage war for the fate of humanity itself.

The TV version opens onto the interior of the doomed plane. Following a distracting and hokey voiceover regarding the power of love, we follow a nice, capable flight attendant (she talks to a child and speaks French, naturally) to the back of the plane, where her hysterical colleague tells her there’s something living in the plane (of course there is, you’re in a horror show). Disbelief, followed by loud screaming ensues as something makes its way out from the storage by force. Yelling, screaming, and cut.

Boring.

The book starts differently, with a horror story told to Setrakian ("Professor Abraham Setrakian is a dedicated (and perhaps fanatical) vampire hunter for over six decades. He is an expert on vampire biology and destruction, and recruits Eph to his cause." --Maggie Cats) by his grandmother, and a snippet of the black box recording. No screams. No loud bangs. Just a quiet, sinister creep. Why the show couldn’t have started there, with the next scene, of the air traffic controllers realizing something is horribly wrong, is beyond me. To borrow from the book, “...she had a fleeting yet palpable sensation of standing in the presence of a dragon-like beast. A sleeping dragon only pretending to be asleep, yet capable, at any moment of opening its eyes and its terrible mouth...And she understood it then, unequivocally: something in there was going to eat her...” Suspense, not violence.

It would have worked.

And then the scene with Setrakian and the thugs, followed by Setrakian and his weak heart. The thugs, yes, and necessary for later. But the heart? Why take all the mystery out of it? Putting that out in the first episode is like laying your cards on the table in Las Vegas. The book waited, before drawing us in to Setrakian’s hidden world behind the storefront. Let him keep a little mystery for goodness’ sake.

Some of the scenes are good - Dr. Goodweather pwning the other acronym agencies and securing first rights onto the plane, Setrakian pwning the thugs... But it just feels a little rushed, like the director wanted to hurry us to the next scene where they spoil things for the rest of the book. Hurry up and get to the power hungry guy with the dialysis machine. Hurry up and get to the ATC guy getting eaten/pounded by the Dementor. No suspense. Shock, not horror.

No seriously, the vampire is THIS big.

But all that said, I’ll keep watching. I feel like I owe it to the books. The story itself is good. The acting is spot on. Corey Stoll does a fantastic job, with hair this time, of the good but flawed guy trying to do his best in a bad situation.

Thankfully, unlike his House of Cards character, you think he might have a chance at it. Sean Astin/Samwise Gamgee, proves to be a bit less trustworthy than his Hobbity past, which is refreshing, though, again, draw it out a little, damnit. I keep expecting Setrakian to carry around a red-eyed cat instead of a cane sword, but that’s hardly his fault. The acting by the lead women has been good, if limited, and I could do without the tropes of the naughty librarian/scientist (glasses on = work, glasses off = let’s talk about our relationship) and the unfeeling/distant wife.

I’m just hoping that the director will drink less coffee, give his audience a bit more credit, and slow the heck down. Give me suspense. Give me horror. Give me nightmares.

The Strain airs Sundays at 10:00PM EST on FX.  The first episode is available for viewing on the FX website.

You'll see a lot of similarities between these vampires and those of del Toro's Blade 2. Mostly that they are really really gross.

Oh, great--more vampires.

Back in September 2012 (a younger, gentler time), I told you that FX was developing a new vampire television series based on the The Strain trilogy of novels, by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan.

Guess what? FX has ordered a 13 episode first season of the series which will air on FX in July 2014.

Call me crazy, but there's nothing particularly scary about this title art--it could just be normal NYC subway graffiti.

Some interesting things about the show: del Toro and Hogan wrote the pilot episode (promising) and del Toro directed the pilot (very promising). Carlton Cruse of LOST fame will act as the show-runner. This last piece of news doesn't have me quite as excited--sure, Cruse's current work over on Bates Motel is great, but we all know LOST went off the rails there at the end. And with his fingers in so many pies (Cruse is also working with ABC to create a series called Point of Honor set in Civil War-era Virginia and ANOTHER vampire series, The Returned, with A&E), does he really have the time to run another show?

But, whatever. The big question here is do we really need or want another vampire-themed television show? Y'all know I am a vampire fan, but even I am starting to get a burned out with True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, and Dracula (and those are just off the top of my head). I read The Strain book series and enjoyed it--though they weren't without their problems. So the concept doesn't exactly light me on fire with eager anticipation. For those not in the know, here is a plot intro:

A plane lands at John F. Kennedy International Airport with lights off and doors sealed. Epidemiologist Dr. Ephraim Goodweather and his team are sent to investigate. On board they find two hundred corpses and four survivors. The situation deteriorates when the bodies begin disappearing from morgues. Goodweather and a small group of helpers find themselves battling to protect not only their own loved ones, but the entire city, from an ancient threat to humanity.

On a positive note, the novels don't shy away from the likely realities of a vampire outbreak (let's just say things get dark pretty quickly and go really bad for the humans), but the whole vampirism as a virus isn't anything new. And I think I read somewhere that del Toro has come out and said that The Strain was basically an attempt to rehash the ideas and themes he had for Blade 2 that were crushed down by the movie studios.

Much like the vampires in Blade 2 (pictured), The Stain vampires have mandibles and a stinger that transmits "the vampire virus." There's also lots more gross stuff about how you make a vampire, but I will let you discover that on your own.

I am going to do my best to withhold judgment until you show actually airs. I am sure I'll be first in line to watch it...but I remain skeptical that it will actually bring anything new to the genre.

Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave.

After months and months of anticipation here on the blog, NBC's Dracula has finally aired! As fans of all things vampire and ridiculous, Arsenic Pie and I were not about to let this occasion pass without a conversation discussing the show. So sit back and relax while we let you know whether Dracula is worth your time. 

Oh, and the pilot episode featured a plot twist at the end; I have marked our conversation of said twist with spoiler tags. 

Maggie: So: what did you think of Dracula?

Arsenic: Well I appreciate the Downton Abbeyness of it all. They've got great costumes, and Sir Anthony is on the show, being his usual douchey self. I literally laughed out loud when I saw him. All they need is Maggie Smith making snarky comments about the action.

Maggie: I think this is going to fall in the "hate-watch" category for me.

Arsenic: Oh, totes. It is ridonkulous.

Maggie: It's kind of terrible, but I can't look away.

Arsenic: I think all Dracula stuff I've ever seen has been a total train wreck, but this is unapologeticaly bad. 

Maggie: Here is my main complaint: there are too many unnecessary plot additions. Because you know what the Dracula story is really missing? A subplot about reliance on petroleum as an energy source versus geo-magnetic power.

Ew, get that science away from me!

Arsenic: The novel is a little light on taking down Big Oil. (SPOILER) I don't get why Dracula is suddenly a good guy who is working with Van Helsing. (END SPOILER).

Maggie: I don't think you could call Dracula a "good guy" though.

Arsenic: Well, he's the lesser of two evils because according to the show, he's working against a big corporation. He's like a 99 percenter who sucks blood and kills people

Maggie: Yeah, the killing people thing is kind of a sticking point. I usually love me some secret societies, but this whole Order of Dragon is so unexplained it is kind of laughable. What do they stand for? Why did they kill Drac's wife 200 years ago? What are they doing now other than being rich jackasses? Instead of "setting up mysteries" it's more like "we forgot to mention it in the pilot."

Arsenic: And I'm all for strong female characters and all,but my historical accuracy meter went off when I saw that Mina is somehow in med school.

Maggie: OMG YES what the hell?

Arsenic: In Victorian England? How??

Maggie: And nobody even bats an eye of course. Because her Dad is a famous doctor or something. PLEASE.

Arsenic: How did that happen?

Maggie: This is clearly some network suit being like, we need to make Mina a "strong" woman or the vaginas will bitch at us on twitter.

Arsenic: Those vajays be naggin'. And Mina isn't a strong character. She's meant to be an ingenue.

Maggie: Excellent point. And there are other ways to make her have a strong presence rather than some ridiculousness about her being in medical school.

Arsenic: Yeah, I don't buy that. No one would have been okay with that.

Maggie: Let's talk about Drac himself. Usually I hate Jonathan Rhys Meyers, but darn if he wasn't actually pretty good. Except for the American accent. DEAR GOD. It is terrible. And why is he pretending to be American? It makes NO SENSE.

Arsenic: He's good in this because he's playing total douche. I can't stand him unless he's being a douche because I feel that's his natural state. And yes, WHY is he American? That makes no sense. If it became clear in production that he couldn't nail the accent then it should have been time for a rewrite.

Maggie: Agreed. Just make him British and have him coming from India or something so he needs to be introduced to society.

Arsenic: Oh, and I loved how Jack the Ripper was ACTUALLY a vampire. Actually a fact. "Oh the trouble it took to clean up that mess." It was a total non sequitor and it made no effing sense.

Maggie: It's all a cover-up! Perpetrated by the same shadowy secret society that....well, we don't really know what else they do. Because it has in no way been established.

Arsenic: I feel like, and one of the reviews I read touched on this, that they can't use the Knights Templar because that's overdone, so they used something else. But still it's really stupid.

Maggie: I just don't understand what the society DOES. They burned heretics or something 200 years ago? But that doesn't mean anything. Who HASN'T?

Arsenic: I mean really. I thought that was a normal weekend in 1600s Europe. My mistake.

Maggie: So one change that I do like: Renfield.

Arsenic: I like him. He's enjoyable. I feel like he's the only likable character.

Maggie: I'll take quietly snarky over bug-eating batshit crazy any day of the week. I hope he ends up the hero of the show.

Arsenic: I can't stand Lucy. She's usually just a dumb blonde and here she's slightly more interesting with that actress. Mina is just a fainting flower with a ludicrous plotline.

Maggie: We will see what happens with Lucy. I mean, we kind of know from the book she shacks up with Drac, but hopefully she will play some purpose other than blood bag.

Arsenic: And Harker is a milquetoast, let's face it.

Maggie: He's better than Keanu though.

Arsenic: And I'm the tallest person at a midget convention. He is better. That actor fits the part better than Keanu.

Maggie (SPOILER) I know we already dropped this spoiler bomb, but the Van Helsing working with Dracula took me by surprise. And it didn't piss me off which also surprised me. I am interested to see where this goes.

Arsenic: It doesn't bother me, either, but I'm not a huge fan of the book. Maybe if I fangirled Bram Stoker I'd be more pissed. (END SPOILER)

Maggie: I just thought it was interesting, since they are so linked as enemies in pop culture. But since Dracula needs a hunter, thank goodness we have the blonde Lady Jane ninja.

Arsenic: It was like suddenly it was a kung fu movie. Oh, and why was Drac's fight on the rooftop in slo-mo??

Maggie: I think they were trying to be all 300 with it. It didn't work.

Arsenic: You save the slo-mo for epic battle scenes. Fighting a chimney sweep on the roof is not an epic battle.

Maggie: That guy was kind of shitty vampire hunter, to be honest.

Arsenic: I almost expected Mary Poppins to pop in. THAT'S the movie we should make.

Maggie: Dracula and Mary Poppins: Thunderdome. 

Arsenic: Mary Poppins: Vampire Slayer. I would pay to see that.

Maggie: To Kickstarter!

Arsenic: Let's make this happen!

Maggie: We just need some celebrity endorsements. I bet Dick Van Dyke would be down. Ok, we have gone off the rails a bit.

Step in time, motherfuckers.

Maggie: Any final thoughts?

Arsenic: I think there's not much else to say. It's silly.

Maggie: I'll give it a few more episodes, but mostly because I feel that I HAVE to watch something called "Dracula" as a vampire genre fan.

Arsenic: And I can't tell yet if it knows it it's silly or if it doesn't and it's taking itself very seriously.

Maggie: I think the later, which is kind of the problem.

Arsenic: Like Sleepy Hollow knows it's kinda silly.

Maggie: Exactly!

Arsenic: It's there. It's in on the joke.

Maggie: Are you going to stick with Dracula?

Arsenic: I don't know. Honestly, that whole Victorian murder spree stuff doesn't appeal to me. OH, but DID YOU KNOW...that experiment Drac did at the beginning was actually something Nikola Tesla did? So Drac = Tesla

Maggie:  When he was dissing Edison and Tesla, I was like, "oh no he didn't!

Arsenic: Oh, he went there.

Maggie: We'll see what The Oatmeal has to say about this.

Arsenic: The show's just trying too hard.

Maggie: Agreed.

Arsenic: I might tune in again just because it's so fucking funny.

Maggie: I think the takeaway is: if you enjoy hate-watching or drunk-watching, this is the show for you. If not, avoid.

Arsenic: I agree.

Maggie: Hurray, we agree!

Arsenic: It's a good thing to watch among friends when you are all drunk or feeling particularly snarky.

Maggie: if you ever come visit we will get drunk and watch it.

Arsenic: TOTES.


Dracula airs Friday nights at 10:00pm on NBC.

Season Finale! And the Fangirls Wept...

Midday in the Garden of Good and Evil plotlines. Alcide has apparently remembered that he used to be a character that we liked because he graciously offers to join Sookie as she walks home from Terry’s funeral and contemplates mortality, right and wrong, why she wore high heels, etc. The flirty eyes are on full display and just might continue even though Sookie is supposedly trying to remember which creature of the night she’s going to make an undying promise to when they overhear the newly freed vampires stumbling back to Bill’s house, still high as a punch of pale kites. And fucking each other in Bill’s lawn. But in a Summer-of-Love-Peace-Out-Brother kind of way, so it’s beautiful. Or something.

"Come on people, now - Smile on your brother. Everybody get together, just don't eat one another right now..."

Sookie approaches when the vamps are literally jitterbugging. And that’s not a metaphor. Although I suppose some of them probably were alive during the 1920s, so it’s not that odd that they’d still want to cut a rug, old style. Next they start burning their prison uniforms, completely unable to understand what time they live in. Violet is feeding off Jason and offering him her blood, which Jason accepts willingly until Sookie stops them. Despite being initially upset that Jason never mentioned a sister (because their relationship up until this point has been about sharing?), Violet is suddenly overtaken by the need to make out with Sookie before letting Sookie and Jason talk. Jason tells Sookie that he might be in love with Violet and wants to be with her forever as Sookie gets more and more emo about the meaning of that word. 

Back in the Faerie dimension, Ben is hearing wedding bells and has prepared a Maypole for their wedding ceremony. Ben’s having a hard time understanding how a funeral for a friend is making Sookie feel less excited about her upcoming nuptials despite the reasonable argument that if they’re going to be together forever, maybe going out on a few dates before the wedding is order. And that’s when Ben slaps Sookie so hard she falls to the ground.

It’s not that we haven’t all wanted to hit Sookie at some point, but you’re not making the case for Husband of the Year here.

VampireCamp has become Vampire Summer Camp as the vamps all play volleyball in the sun. Violet is having a case of “Bitch stay away from my man” jealousy with Jessica talking to Jason. Pam meanwhile, wants to be into it but is missing Eric and wants to go after him, despite Tara trying to reason with her not to. Bill is also not appreciating the fun, staying inside and brooding over the fact that he doesn’t seem to have Lilith’s powers any longer. He’s also just now realizing that he pushed Sookie to Ben and that she’ll soon be a vampire and his wife and there’s nothing Bill can do about it. “You said you were Bill again,” Jessica tells him when he confesses this to her. “Bill Compton would have walked through fire to save her.”

Bill gathers Jessica, Violet and Jason and tells them about Sookie and Ben and that the only person who can get them all to Sookie in the Faerie dimension is Andy Bellefleur’s half fey daughter Adilyn. Arriving at the Bellefleur house, Jason is welcomed in but problems arise when Violet confesses that she needs to be invited in, sending everyone into a perfectly understandable panic. Violet tries to calm them down by insisting that she only feeds off Jason. “We’re monogamous,” she explains. Jason begs Adilyn to help Sookie, who agrees after listening to Jason’s thoughts and understanding how genuinely he wants to save Sookie. Andy only agrees if he’s allowed to come too and can bring his vampire armory.

In Faerieland, Ben has bound Sookie to the Maypole and monologues about he was meant to be with Sookie and be faerie royalty, but Lilith took it all. Also, turns out he really just wants to (in his words) “fuck you, and own you, and use you for your blood.” Cue the biting as Sookie screams, but suddenly hears Adilyn call to her. In our world, the A-Team has arrived but Adilyn isn’t sure how to open the portal. “I’m, like, two weeks old!” she reminds the rest of them when they express exasperation at this. Bill tries some new age coaching about connecting with the earth but it doesn’t work. Theorizing that maybe Adilyn needs to be afraid to use her powers, Violet obliges, attacking Adilyn and causing the portal to open and everyone to be taken into it.

The gang arrives and the Vamp Fight begins! Ben and Bill fight while the rest of the team grabs Sookie and brings her back to our world, leaving Bill to continue the fight until Ben opens the portal himself and brings them both back as well, knocking Bill unconscious in the process. Ben finds the rest of the gang at Sookie’s house and proceeds to take them down, one by one. Ben can enter Sookie’s house, but Bill can’t, leaving Ben to lock Jason, Adilyn and Andy in the basement. Ben finds Sookie upstairs in the bathroom and is about to move in when who should reappear but Grandpa! Grandpa finally breaks through that dimensional portal Ben threw him into so many episodes ago just in time to hold Ben in place so Jason can stake him good and proper.

Three cheers for Rutger Hauer, ladies and gentlemen!

As Ben disintegrates into a pile of radioactive red goo and Jason, Sookie and Grandpa rejoice in their winnings, all the vampires who drank Ben’s blood begin to glow, seeing their ability to go out in the sun removed from them. Good thing it’s night, right? Well, true, but here’s the funny thing about time zones – when it’s nighttime in Louisiana, it’s high noon in Sweden, which is where Eric has gone to go sunbathing in the nude. That sound you hear? That’s the sound of millions of fangirls crying out as Eric Northman, sex symbol of True Blood, erupts in flames and burns, presumably to his death. Personally, I'll believe it when I see next season's cast list.

This picture and the gifs of him standing up full frontal and bursting into flames are literally making up about half of the internet right now. 

Cut to six months later and Lawrence O’Donnell (seriously) is giving a news report about new cases of mutated Hepatitis V being diagnosed and interviewing Bill, who’s the author of a new book about his experiences called And God Bled. Well done, publishing industry! Sookie watches the interview from home as Bill confesses to killing the Governor which he justifies as an action that’s understandable given that it was technically a biological weapon against a particular class of people. Yes, True Blood, I get it – Nazis were evil. Moving on… Alcide and Sookie are officially a couple that sexes each other all the time now. Violet has convinced Jason to redecorate his basement to be her girly bedroom, even if Violet will only let Jason go down on her and won’t let him take off his pants. Not very GGG, Violet.

Sam, meanwhile, has been elected Mayor and has organized a community-wide blood test at church one Sunday to see if anyone in Bon Temps is a carrier for Hep V. Predictably for the South, the Whites sit on one side and the Blacks on the other until the preachers convince everyone to mingle a bit. Sookie introduces herself to a young black girl named Crystal, who seems a little scared by the reverend’s sermon about “roving bands of hungry vampires” who are out to destroy small towns.  When Sam takes the podium, he outlines a plan that he and Bill have come up with – that night, the results of the blood tests will be available at Bellefleur’s Grill (the renamed Merlott’s) along with the good times that, as they are wont to do in Louisiana, shall roll. The catch is that every uninfected human will agree to let an uninfected vampire feed from them in exchange for protection for them and their families. This… doesn’t go over well, despite Sam’s insistence that “every single human needs and vampire and every vampire needs a human” in order to be safe in the Brave New World.

This is one of the only two times we see Lafayette in this episode. UNACCEPTABLE!

That night, the band plays, the people mingle, the food is eaten. Humans and (select) vampires together. Cats lay down with dogs. Both Alcide and Sookie share their negative results (Jesus, True Blood – pick a metaphor!) as Tara, the perpetually lonely single girl, confesses to Violet that she’s not sure she would pick any of the slobby men here. Dead or living, it’s always the same story for the sad girl at the party, isn’t it? Tara’s mother approaches her to apologize for 25 years of bad history between the two of them. Her mother confesses that she’s knows she’s guilty for neglecting Tara as she grew up, even forgetting at times to feed her as a child, but now she wants to make it right and offers her blood to her. Tara emotionally agrees, moving in to bite her mother. The entire scene is actually equal party squicky, frightening and sweet.

What? No Madonna and child imagery to go along with the VampireJesus? Missed opportunity, True Blood.

Adilyn and Andy, meanwhile, are watching Toddlers and Tiaras when the door knocks. It’s Jessica, who has come to offer both of them protection, but not for either of their blood. She tells them that she will keep them both safe, no strings attached. Andy considers shooting Jessica through the heart, but lets her go instead as Jessica stands guard outside their house in the dark.

Bill finds Sookie and Alcide leaving the party and offers protection to Sookie, saying Alcide isn’t good enough and that he’s changed and can be trusted. “Even at your best, I could never really trust you,” Sookie tells him. Just then, both Alcide and Bill pick up the scent of some approaching infected vampires looking to move into the party like it’s a buffet, which it kind of is. They are quickly joined by more and more infected vampires who all begin to move in.

And with that, vampire pop culture has finally grown out of its Anne Rice phase and moved back to the point where vampires are once again scary instead of sexy. I really, really hope this is the direction they move in for the seventh season (oh yes, there's going to be one) because it's beyond obvious to say that I think we've done the sexy vampire thing to death. 

True Blood was at its best when it began partially because it was one of the first of the post-Interview vampire stories in the public eye to at least partially embrace the vampire as, if not horrifying, at least dangerous. And not dangerous in an "Finally! A bad boy that I can take home to mom and dad because they'll hate him and his leather jacket and motorcycle" kind of way. True Blood has within it the potential to keep breaking new ground with vampires, even if the show has kind of lagged the past couple of years. 

Of course, you could also make the argument that the infected vampires shambling out of the bayou to devour the innocent party goers is less a stroke of originality and more an attempt to capitalize on another tired trend, the zombie story. But let's (perhaps foolishly) give it the benefit of the doubt until at least next summer and hope that scary, ugly vampires are finally coming back to us.

Praise Lilith!

Like a Woman Scorned and Melted Into a Pile of Goo

Hey folks. It's your promised second recap of True Blood this week. Think we're all caught up now. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric and Nora escape the camp, however Nora's caught the Hep V. Eric begs for Bill's help, but turns out nothing can be done. Hail and farewell, Nora. Sarah Newlin proves the old "power corrupts" adage is true, although in her case she was always a little corrupt to begin with. She seizes control of the Gov's operations. Arlene gets wasted drunk to cope with Terry's death. Sookie returns to our dimension after her FaerieGlowSexathon with Ben. Jessica thanks the vampire who didn't rape her by having sex with him a lot. 

Recap: It’s another day in the VampCamp/True Blood poison factory and Eric, Nora (who’s been infected with Hep V) and Willa are desperate to get out of it.  Willa goes to grab Tara and Pam while Eric and Nora try to escape through the True Blood plant. The guards, however, are onto them and have sounded the alarm. Thankfully, one of those guards is Jason, still undercover and swearing up a storm. Eric and Nora hide under a shipping truck that’s leaving the facility and make a run for freedom.  Willa, disguised as a doctor, finds Pam and warns her not to drink any True Blood because of the contamination. Pam says they should only tell Tara and Jessica, arguing that if every vamp in the camp suddenly stops drinking the True Blood, the guards will know they’re onto them. Hey, she didn’t get to be over 100 by being nice, you know. Eric brings a rapidly worsening Nora to Bill and begs him to help. Nora refuses Bill’s blood, knowing that it’s actually Lilith’s, even if it means she dies.

Sarah Newlin is in her car listening to her favorite book on tape (“Elocution Classes for Spreading the Gospel, Chapter Three: Drop One Octave and Repeat.”) when she arrives at the Governor’s mansion to see all the guards gone and the front door open. She turns off the audio lesson (“When speaking, remember to be strong, but not assertive.”) and makes her way to the courtyard where Bill has thoughtfully left the Gov’s head resting near a marble statue. Sarah melodramatically breaks down in front of the carnage before deeming it “part of God’s plan” and swearing vengeance, kind of like a really bigoted overly-religious Batman.

“Vampers are a superstitious, cowardly lot.”

Later, Sarah has called a Senator to the Gov’ mansion to enlist his support against the vampire cause. The Senator would like to help, but remember how there’s this whole chain of succession thing in government and the Lt. Governor is now clearly going to take control. “I am not letting that RINO with his folksy bullshit come anywhere near this office,” Sarah assures him, cooking up a plan to hide the Gov’s death from the public and use the Senator’s people who are well-practiced at hiding the Senator’s “seedy lifestyle” from the public eye to help. (Flashback: the Senator, we remember, was carrying on a closeted sexual relationship with Lafayette back in season 1 and apparently the staff member who has accompanied him to this meeting has taken over the…ahem…duties.) They will say that the Gov was attacked by the vampires and is now governing from an undisclosed location, leaving Sarah and the Senator to govern in his place.

"I have old fashioned views about what two people should do after their love making due to the last time I did it was with a vampire demon lady about 6,000 years ago. Now when do we kill a wild boar?"

In MagicFaerieLand, naked Sookie! Naked Ben/Warlow! Naked nakedness being all naked in the naked afterglow. Ben in particular is looking forward to all the wedding stuff that is about to come. “You don’t think just because we had sex it means I’m going to marry you?” Sookie asks. She’s about to explain to him how modern, liberated women can have all the monster sex they like without needing to be carried over some kind of threshold when she suddenly is able to hear Arlene sobbing over Terry’s freshly dug grave. Sookie transports herself back, leaving Ben in the safety of the FaerieAfterglowSexLand. Arriving at the cemetery back in our world, Sookie comforts Arlene as Arlene tells her how Terry died.

Sam hears from Lafayette via a phone call about Terry before deciding to go back to Bon Temps despite the danger to himself from the Pack. He tells Nicole to keep running and stay safe, but he has to go back for Terry, right after he takes this conveniently sexy shower. Nicole, not one to be held back by a person she barely knows mourning his lost friend, joins him.

Back at the Bellefleur house, Arlene takes her anger out on Lafayette as he hands over the key to Terry’s safety deposit box. Andy helps to calm her down and goes with her to tell the kids. Sookie and Lafayette decide to open the safety deposit box and find an envelope with Arlene’s name on it containing a life insurance policy issued three days ago. They realize that Terry knew what was coming.

Inside the VampCamp, Jason has Jessica, who hasn’t realized he was undercover, brought to him in private.  He promises to get her out, but she fatalistically tells him that he can’t keep her safe all the time, although she would like to thank James, the other vampire who wouldn’t rape her, face to face, if Jason can bring him to her.

Alcide drops his father off back at his trailer. Pops tells Alcide about some property that just opened up next to his place that Alcide could take if he agreed not to go back to the Pack. Alcide says he has responsibilities, but his father tells him that neither of them are made for Pack life.

"Dad, I've betrayed all semblance of consistency so far this season. Do you really think I'm the right person to take out a property mortgage in this housing market?"

Nicole’s mother has arrived to pick her up at the hotel, which has to be awkward given that she’s found her daughter at a cheap motel with a strange man, but she seems to take it well. Makes you wonder how often she and Nicole have been in this position. Nicole tells Sam that she won’t tell anyone about him being a shifter and gives him her home number, asking him to call.

Jason brings James who, to his credit, is a little weirded out to Jessica. Jessica tells Jason she can’t thank him enough, but she needs some private time with the new guy. Alone, she tells James that when she arrived in the camp, she was convinced that she was a monster for killing Andy’s daughters, but his kindness helped her to see otherwise. Turns out for his good deeds, the doctors ripped out his fangs. Jessica tells James about the Hep V in the True Blood and tells him not to drink it when they offer. James waxes philosophical about much more he wishes he could do with his life, which is ironic considering the whole mortality thing. Moved by the spirit of Things We’ll Never Get to Do, Jessica confesses that she’s never had sex with a vampire, only humans. Convenient, huh? (In fairness, she tells him what’s so attractive about him is how, even as a vampire, his humanity has shone through, which isn’t something that she’s ever seen with the vampires she’s been with, which might be the first subtle thing True Blood has done so far this season.)

Don’t worry. The subtlety is followed by this. 

At Bill’s, Eric tries once again to get Bill to save Nora’s life, saying that he believes Bill has become divine and maybe possibly God. Bill tells Eric about his visions of the future he’s been having, including the one about the room where all the vampires die. Bill tells Eric they need Warlow’s blood, which is what’s letting Bill walk around in the daylight, if they’re going to save all the others. Eric promises to help, if Bill gives Nora his blood. Bill agrees, but Nora is unimproved. Eric concludes that Warlow’s blood may be Nora’s last chance.

Sookie and Lafayette bring the insurance policy to Arlene who is managing her misery the best way possible – with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a PBR in the other. “I’m better,” she tells Sookie, slurring all the way. “Before it was like someone was scalping my brain away one slice at a time and plucking out my heart with a crab fork. But now, thanks to this, it just feels like someone’s crushing my windpipe.” Now’s not the best time to go over the policy, clearly. Of course, the real victim here is Adilyn, who by her own thoughts, is having something of a weird day. Sookie, however, can hear her and communicates telepathically before Holly’s teenage sons arrive. Know what could make this day even more awkward than the drug waitress grieving over her dead husband while being comforted by a twice-possessed gay medium in the kitchen and a couple of half-faeries in the sitting room? That’s right, teenage crushes. Stay away from her, punks - she'll be menopausal before you can even get to first base. 

But don’t worry, it’s going to get worse as Bill arrives right in the daylight. “Oh holy fuck,” Sookie sums up the situation nicely. Bill is there to offer his condolences to Arlene since Terry was technically his great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever grand nephew. Arlene is not at her best right now and it takes her a few minutes to comprehend that Bill is afoot in daylight. Bill offers more condolences to Terry, saying that his firstborn also died back before the Civil War so he knows there’s no greater pain. “Except for losing three,” Andy appropriately snarks.  But we’ve established Bill isn’t really here for the niceties, he wants to know about Adilyn. The tension and melodrama is getting a bit much and Lafayette heads for the door, muttering “I’m glad I remembered to take my beta-blockers.”

Everything about this image is amazing. 

Bill asks to talk to Sookie directly, ex to ex. He asks Sookie to let him have Warlow so he can save his progeny, which btw includes Tara and Jessica, two friends of Sookie’s. Bill tells her about the VampCamp and says they need Warlow in order to save everyone.

Speaking of which, back at the camp Pam has re-entered her therapy sessions. The Shrink wants to know why she doesn’t want to eat. Pam, playing up his discomfort, tells him it’s because she’s horny instead, not unsubtly unbuttoning her jumpsuit and reminding him of her sexual appetitites. “I was a whore in my human life,” she tells him, using the literal use of the word whore. “It wasn’t a coincidence.” The Shrink admits being very…um…interested in her specific sexual knowledge as a vampire and the next three minutes are ridiculous levels of double entendre moving rapidly to just single entendre as Pam agrees to sex in exchange for something she wants.

"No, seriously. I got paid for it. Let's not go thinking this means something, yeah?"

Sarah finds Jason in the hallway. She tells him that the Governor is dead and so is his influence and has his arm cut open and thrown into the women’s common room, which just happens to be full of starving lady vampires. Normally an entire room of women drooling for Jason’s body would be kind of like his ultimate turn on, but understandably, this time it’s different. Tara puts herself between the women and Jason, but the real day is saved when the vampire who saved Tara and Jessica a few episodes calls them all off, telling them “Ladies, he’s mine.”

Alcide, meanwhile, comes back to the Pack and tells them that Sam and Nicole have been killed and Emma returned to her grandmother. Nice try, Alcide. Too bad the “were-bitches” were a step ahead of you and have already captured Nicole and her mother.

Eric prays to Godric, his and Nora’s dead sire, in an attempt to save Nora. In the process, he remembers London in 1665 when he was sent by the King of England to fetch down a paramour of his who, naturally, happened to be Nora. Nora was tending the plague dead of London when she contracted the disease herself. Eric, impressed by her courage even that close to the end of her life, brought her to Godric to be healed and “live fully and forever.” Nora urges Eric to let her go, saying that she has lived fully before literally melting into a pile of gore in Eric’s arms as Bill watches. 

DO NOT WANT!!!

And Now, A Very Special Episode About STDs

Apologies, all - I'm behind in the True Blood recaps. The first of two this week, summarizing the two most recent episodes. We're definitely moving into the second half of the season with this one as shit is starting to go down and we even lose a (mostly) major character. Without further ado...

Because there’s never a time when this show doesn’t like to start us directly in the middle of the action, we begin this time with Lafayette (who, you’ll remember, is possessed by the ghost of Sookie’s father) attempting to drown Sookie in a river to finish what he planned on doing all those years ago – kill her before she could be taken by vampires. True Blood logic, everybody! Anyway, Ben saves her before anything can happen and forces Mr. Stackhouse out of Lafayette with his faerie light. GhostDad was hoping for a nice reunion but he pretty much ruined that. Sookie tells Lafayette to tell him to get out of her life forever. So basically she’s doing the same thing all girls say to their fathers at some point, it’s just delayed by about ten years post-puberty. And, you know, drowning.

"Just saying. Father of the Year Award nomination? Off the table."

In VampireDome, Eric and Pam prepare to stare at each other to death. Pam is none too pleased that Eric sired another vampire, but puts that aside to help Eric kill the guards who are watching the room with their guns and seriously freaking out the Gov, Sarah and Steve Newlin who are watching. Take Away Message here: don’t pit Eric and Pam against each other. Bitches will literally eviscerate you.

Bill/Lilith is calling Ben to him/her. Sookie transports her and Ben to the magic faerie dimension that looks like it was shot through a 1970s gauze filter to keep them safe.  Bill, unable to bring Ben to him, gets his professor in the basement to drain him of almost all his blood in order to force a hallucinatory meeting with Lilith.

Jason, pursing a long line of unfortunate choices, is in the VTF recruiting office where he comes on a little strong even for these folk, expressing a significant desire to “fuck these fucking fangers up.” “Why don’t I just go through the interview checklist first,” the recruiter offers. Either way it goes well with Jason providing a litany of what he knows about vampires and the recruiter meeting eagerness in kind and deciding to fetch his supervisor for approval. “Racist fucks,” Jason mutters under his breath as the recruiter walks away.

You know what would be awesome? More time away from the Sam/Nicole plotline. Unfortunately, we’ve got more of it. Nicole wants Sam to face up to who he is, stop running away with Emma, blah blah blah. Sam is doubtful. Yuck. At any rate, Alcide finds his father in the motel that Sam and Nicole are staying in. Pops and one of the “were-bitches” have been, ahem, passing the time but tell him where to find Sam and Nicole. Alcide HULKSMASHs his way into their room, but Sam and Nicole have gone already.

In the faerie realm, Ben tells Sookie that he needs her to restrain him before the sun sets so that he won’t hurt her. Sookie complies, using vines and her magic light to tie him down. Ben meanwhile expresses regret that Sookie had to find out about what her parents were planning. The touching reconciliation could go farther, but he starts to vamp out.

This is so going to go in an S&M-y direction, isn’t it? 

Andy Bellefleur has a talk with his surviving daughter who is about ready for a real name, especially because being called Number Four is kind of an uncomfortable reminder about what happened to the other three. He decides to give her the name Adilyn Braelin Charlene Danica, one name for each sister.

Lafayette is trying to recover from his possession-a-thon with the best way he knows how – copious drugs and crafting. 

For realz. 

He’s interrupted by Terry, who appears shaken (we know why) and gives Lafayette the key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette, rightly, knows something’s up but accepts the key and a very awkward hug from Terry. He also calls Arlene to let her know that her husband is wicked unstable. Arlene panics, worried that Terry will try to kill himself out of guilt from the war. Holly suggests using a vampire to glamour Terry into forgetting about what happened in Iraq, perhaps asking her son’s friend’s dad’s husband who is a vampire. “He owes me one,” she tells Arlene, picking up the phone to call before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “they’re gay!” And see, True Blood, when you write shit like this it makes me want to fall in love with you all over again.

Sookie is getting the low-down from Ben – he was born in 3532 BC, turned in 3500 BC and he’s been waiting for her the entire time. Uh huh. “So, how did you think this was going to go?” Sookie asks, pointing out that showing up with a contract roughly 6,500 years after becoming a vampire and demanding that she be his faerie bride may not go over like gangbusters and you’d think six thousand years of planning would have yielded something a little more graceful. Like flowers and a box of chocolates, or something. Ben tells her that the contract was arranged in the 17^th century, but he’ll tear it up if she wants him to. He despises that Lilith made him a vampire and if Sookie was with him, it would be okay because with Sookie also a faerie vampire, they’d only need each other’s blood.

At the VampCamp, the Gov is getting smug over Eric being put to the True Death. He brings in Nora as a bargaining chip, saying he’ll kill her to make Eric understand what it feels like to lose someone close to him like the Gov feels now that Eric has “killed” Willa. The Gov’s scientist inject Willa with something they call “Hepatitis V”, which can be spread sexually, hence all that experimental vampire lab sex. They leave them both chained and facing each other.   

I really wanted this scientists to have a fake stereotypical German accent, but alas. He was American. 

Bill, through the help of blood loss, is able to meet with Lilith who tells him that The Tyrant took Jessica and “The Blonde” took their salvation and basically Bill is the biggest disappointment she’s seen which, given her age, you have to admit is saying something. Lilith warns him not to come to her again and instead he needs to grow a pair, man up and act.

Sam meanwhile has called Martha, Emma’s grandmother, to come get her provided that she’ll be kept safe from the Pack. Martha tells Sam that she’s left the Pack and seems genuinely grateful. Sam says what is probably supposed to be a heart-rending goodbye to Emma, but honestly since we’ve only spent like three minutes of screen-time on these two together this season, it’s hard to muster the tears. Later, Alcide catches up with them and gets pissed to see that Emma has already been taken away. Sam calls Alcide out, tells him to stop being a dick or come at him already. Alcide tells Sam to leave town if he knows what’s good for him and that Alcide may not kill Sam, but he won’t stop his pack from doing it.

Arlene and Holly welcome in the gay vampire (conservatively, but fashionably dressed, btw) to hypnotize Terry. Arlene asks the vampire to ensure that Terry remembers nothing about the war and only remembers his family and his civilian life. Finally, a life of happiness and contentment can be theirs!

"I'm sure our long-fought struggle for emotional and familial stability will in no way be undermined by actions one of us has taken without consulting the other."

Jason is regaling the VTF with his war stories about Rambo-ing the Authority last season when Sarah enters the room. Jason admits to her privately that he’s getting Jessica out and if she tattles on him, he’ll reveal her secrets as well. Willa, meanwhile, demands that her father put her with the rest of the vampires instead of solitary, despite the Gov’s insistence that she needs to be kept safe so that they can “fix” her.  

As Bill rejoins the land of the somewhat living, news hits that the Gov has made an agreement with the makers of True Blood to start up production again. Bill fears time has run out and swallows Ben’s blood, allowing him to go outside in the daylight for the first time in 150 years.

In creepy emotionally abusive news, Sarah Newlin isn’t about to take Jason’s threats laying down. Unlike everything else of his that she’s taken in that position. (hey-o!) She arranges for Jason to observe the vampire’s “copulation study” process from behind a one-way mirror. Naturally, one of the two subjects is Jessica. Her “study partner” is just as squicked out, insisting that he’s a vampire, not a rapist. He is hit with bursts of sunlight for protesting. Jessica sobs and tells him just to have sex with her to spare him, but the vampire with the heart of gold refuses. Sarah orders Jessica removed from the room.

At Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, Terry has a new lease on life and Arlene couldn’t be happier. Life is good! Terry gleefully going about his job, cleaning up the kitchen and taking the trash out. Which is when the shot rings out. Arlene runs outside to see Terry shot through the neck and bleeding out on the ground. She holds Terry to her as Terry slowly dies in her arms. Okay, I know I said I was tired of this plot last time, but man. Harsh.

Damn. That's cold, brah. 

The Gov is conducting a dramatic reading of the Bible when Bill invades his compound, wooden bullets flying right through him without harming him. Bill uses his new abilities to make all the guards shoot each other and demands that Gov tell him about the room where all the vampires are executed by the sunlight. The Gov doesn’t want to play, refusing information and saying that Bill killing him will just turn him into a martyr for the cause. “Cut off my head and another grows in its place,” the Gov warns. Bill decides to take his chances…and literally rips the Gov’s head off.

"Alas, poor Yorrick..."

Nora isn’t looking too good, the Hep V disease working into her system. Eric summons Willa from the common room, who glamours the pervy guard who tried to her to blow him last time into  taking her to the room Eric and Nora are being held. Eric and Nora dress in guard and doctor clothes and pretend to take Willa hostage in order to flee the facility, but Willa insists they get Tara and Jessica as well. In the search, Eric discovers that the facility is the True Blood bottling plant and that the scientists have been contaminating the new True Blood supply with Hep V. 

In the spirit of truthful things, Sookie is still talking with Ben and confessing that she knows that everyone in town thinks she is “a danger whore.” Ben snarks that he’s had the same problem, why do you think he lived alone for thousands of years? Sookie wonders if they’re right, given that she’s developed feelings for Ben and she’s at least finally aware that she’s got a pattern going. Then, to prove the point, she offers her blood to Ben, knowing he needs to feed. Him biting her leads to her biting him which leads to her removing Ben’s pants which leads the hot sweaty sexytime. As the two grind each other, they both begin to glow.

Offered without comment. 

Vampires and Existentialism

Hello, Fangbaners! Welcome to season six of True Blood. In case you’re new to the show and want a summary of what’s gone before, here’s my write up. Fair warning, from here on out I’m either going to assume that you’ve been watching the show and don’t need to be caught up on five years of history or you just don’t care. Do join me!

TL;DR: Bill returns as something halfway vampire, halfway other and destroys what’s left of the Vampire Authority (and that stupid plotline) but still doesn't know what he is now.  Tara hearts Pam. Pam says she doesn’t heart Tara. Both are probably wrong.  Alcide becomes Packmaster and has his pick of the ladies. The Governor of Louisiana cracks down on vampires, but maybe definitely has a secret agenda. Eric gives Sookie back her home and searches for an answer to how Bill is connected to Warlow, the vampire that killed Sookie and Jason’s parents. Sookie swears for the umpeenth time that she just wants a normal life.

We pick right up where we left off with naked, bloody Bilith, the unholy union of Bill and Lilith, the first vampire, rising from his own pile of deconstituted goo to a terrified Eric and Sookie. This is all done “Bill Cam” style, btw. Eric and Sookie run away through the headquarters of the Vampire Ministry of Exposition but can’t get out before Bilith shuts down the power.  Things are looking dire as Bill-Cam speeds through the building looking for our other heroes, Pam, Tara, Jessica, Jason and Nora. Jason talks tough about his accuracy shooting the mean vampires coming at them with wooden bullets, saying he’s had a lot of practice “killing your kind” until Nora reminds him that she’s, oh, about two thousand years older than he is and she’s had a bit more practice killing his, so maybe lets just stop measuring our dicks and get out of the evil death trap building, okay? Nora gets the ragtag team out just as Sookie and Eric commandeer a sweet SUV. As they start to speed away, Bilith emerges from the flames of the destroyed Vampire Ministry of Religious Overzealousness before flying, still naked and bloody, off into the sky.

"But Mommy, why was that naked bloody man so angry?" "Because drugs, Sweetie."

The gang speeds away, hopefully not with Bill following them like, as Jason says it, “a naked, evil Superman.” Fortuitously, just at that time, Vampire NPR is carrying a live press conference on the radio from the governor of Louisiana (New character! Because we didn’t have enough!) announcing that he’s not life-ist or anything, but this “vamper” menace has got to stop and even though they’re “citizens” or whatever, he’s instituting a state-wide vampire curfew and recommending that everyone in the state buy a gun. I don’t know which I love more – that he’s announcing in an outdoor press conference at night instead of during the daylight that the state of Louisiana will no longer tolerate vampires or that when fleeing for their lives, the radio station of choice for Eric and Sookie is talk radio. Anyway, Jason is pretty thrilled with the Gov’s hardline take, leading to the entire car giving Jason his first “SHUT UP, JASON” of this season.

Eric pulls the car over to talk to Nora privately about whether or not there’s anything in the Vampire Bible about Lilith being resurrected into a modern body, but Nora says there’s nothing in this, but clearly Bill needs to be destroyed. Jessica is not pleased with the suggestion and vamps away. Pam meanwhile pouts on the beach (actual line: “I hate the beach. Fish piss and sand in your cooch.”) about Eric not ever telling her about Nora, leading Tara to try to comfort her. Oh Tara. You stopped dating men because you kept picking the bad ones who were emotionally unavailable and/or literal monsters. Good to see your patterns are the same now that you’re into chicks.

On another part of the beach, Jessica and Sookie bond over the fact that they both still love Bill, albeit in different ways, and they’re both afraid of what he’s become. Sookie says they need to let him go and that Jessica will never be alone as long as she’s around.

Literally the only two women on this show who have not yet made out with each other.

Nora decides to glamour Jason to learn more about Warlow, the vampire of mystery that we learned last season is the one who murdered Jason and Sookie’s parents and who is mentioned in the Vampire Bible as being progeny of Lilith. Glamouring Jason is not a smart idea though, because when he comes out of it and realizes what Nora has done he’s just more pissed off.  Jason threatens to shoot both Nora and Tara until Sookie steps between them, forcing Jason to run off, referring to Sookie as dead to him for sticking up for vampires.

Just then, Jessica is suddenly “summoned” by Bill. Jessica feels a powerful urge to go to his side and when Eric tries to stop her, she immediately begins to vomit blood all over him. (Eric, dryly: “Lovely.”) Sookie convinces Eric to let her take Jessica to Bill, despite the danger, because its clearly tearing Jessica apart. Eric and Nora sly off leving Pam and Tara to manage for themselves.

Meanwhile, on National Geographic: Earth the werewolf camp, the wolves are pulling apart their former Packmaster and bringing Alcide the severed human arm for him to eat, which he must do if he wants to become Packmaster. Alcide looks a little non-plussed about it, but what they hey – at least it’s not a full horse heart. Also, because he’s now Packmaster, there are a line of sexy weregirls who are “proud to serve” him. The wolves all decide to go for a frisky naked run through the forest, because apparently that’s just what you do on a Tuesday night.

At the Bellefleur home, Andy is still understandably freaked out about suddenly being the father to four newborn half-faerie babies after knocking up that faerie girl in the woods only, like, a week ago. Awesome waitress Arlene lays down the law and tells him to face up to his responsibilities. Andy is terrified because he doesn’t know how to care for one baby, much less four. Arlene softens a bit and tells him that every good parent is freaked out, now get in here and help but these diapers on. Arlene's right, although in Andy’s defense at least most parents have, like, a few months to think about the consequences of their sexy hookup in a field with a mysterious vanishing hot girl.

What to expect when you're expecting half faerie monster babies.

Elsewhere, a mortally-wounded Luna (don’t remember her? Don’t worry, she’s not around long) manages to get literally three lines in before dying, asking Sam to care for her daughter. Sam agrees and makes off with little Whatshername, taking her to Merlott’s. He thinks he hears someone in the darkness, but it’s just Lafayette, “holding down the fort.” “You mean drinking all my tequila,” Sam accuses. “Sobering up on the floor. Hell, drunk driving kills,” Lafayette responds, proving yet again why he’s awesome. Little Whatshername confesses sadly that her mom is dead and she’s hungry. Lafayette offers her “something deep fried, dipped in sugar and then deep fried all over again.”

Jason is making his way back to town in the dark when a car rambled by and offers him a ride. Who is driving? It’s Rutger Hauer, boys and girls! Gee, no way he’s going to turn out to not be Warlow someone important. To Jason’s credit, he at least realizes that this guy is a little off for not being freaked out by Jason being covered in blood and keeps his gun at the ready.

At La Casa de Bill, Jessica is being pulled inside. Sookie manages to grab a stick that she fashions into a stake just in case. They make their way to the upstairs verandah (this is Louisana. Of course there’s a verandah.) to find an utterly normal looking Bill sitting waiting for them who “just wants to talk.” Eric and Nora attempt a sneak attack, but Bill is much faster then them, even pulling out the stake that Sookie manages to plunge directly into his heart. Bill tells them that he’s not sure what he is, but he’s more than he ever was. Sookie insists that he’s not Bill, saying she felt him die. Sookie wants Bill to leave Bon Temps forever, but Jessica stands up for her Maker, telling the others to leave and that Bill can stay as long as he wants and the rest of them need to leave.

In new plot development time, the Governor meets with a representative of the True Blood production company at an abandoned bottling plant. The Governor wants to “bail out” the company by giving them the bottling plant free to start making True Blood again. Despite his political blustering, he claims to be interested solely in restoring the peace, which can be done with vampires back to having their True Blood and back to paying taxes like regular people. He referrs to himself as not “the new Big Bad” (ha! Joss Whedon humor!) and strikes a deal.

He's a politician, so it's possible his as-yet unrevealed superpower is lying.

In the woods, Alcide and one of the nameless naked werewolf ladies have sex when they are interrupted by Alcide’s other naked werewolf lady who’s kind into threeways, it turns out. She’s okay with Alcide doing what he has to go because she’s very GGG, but tells him to never for get that she’s his “number one bitch.” This, btw, is going to be your only sexy naked actors and actresses scene this episode, so enjoy it, people.

"Oh Yeah. It's good to be the Packmaster."

At Fangtasia, Tara tries to emo Pam into admitting that she actually has feelings and maybe some of those are for Tara herself. Pam lays it all out there, though and tells Tara that this isn’t going to be one of those lay in the meadow and gaze into each other’s eyes while admiring their sculpted marble bodies and not having sex before marriage kind of vampire love stories.

It kind of kills me that my browser history is going to have this image in it now.

Aaaand that’s when the National Guard arrives to shut down Fangtasia on Executive Order of the Governor to shut down all vampire-run businesses. Tara tries to defend her woman and gets shot by the guard for her trouble, causing actual distress in Pam and possibly undoing her own argument.

Eric escorts Sookie home, marveling that she would stake Bill to save him, a far cry from where the two of them were at the start of this whole series. Eric is feeling gracious and offers to return the lease to Sookie’s house back to her, removing his rights to it and restoring it to her. Sookie is genuinely touched and tells him that she wants her life back and for things to be the way they were. Which is why she’s taking back his invitation to her house, which is supposed to be sad but leads to a really cheesy effect that involves Eric looking like he’s been placed on a conveyer belt and carted out the door for bottling by either Laverne or Shirley. Outside the house, Eric tells Nora that Sookie stays out of this going forward. Nora isn’t convinced, to say the least.

"Schlemeel, Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated..."

At the Bellfluer house, the little half fairy babies have literally grown into toddlers in just hours. Jesus, poor Andy isn’t goint to even have time to get to the bank to even start a college fund for these girls before they’re ready for senior year.

At Bill’s house, he tucks Jessica into bed inadvertently revealing some new abilities like stopping a glass of True Blood from spilling with his mind. Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t know what he is or what’s happened, but he needs her as his progeny to help keep him from going all “power corrupts”. It’s a really sweet scene, with the father/daughter dynamic that they have, but it does lead one to ask why in the world would a vampire go to bed when it’s dark out?

On the road, Jason is still driving with NotWarlow, complaining about Sookie and about how lately Jason’s been seeing his parents more frequently. Sure enough, the ghosts/visions/hallucinations whatever they are to Jason are, in fact, sitting in the backseat. “They’ve gotten kinda racist and scary since they went to Heaven,” Jason confesses. NotWarlow tells Jason he’s never going to be able to keep him, who is TOTES WARLOW OMG from Sookie, surprising no one but Jason before vanishing out of the car.

In her house, the fairy/vampire contract beside Sookie’s bed begins to glow. In Bill’s house, Bill begins to hallucinate lashings against his skin and hears his name called, leading him to his study. In the study is Lilith, who suddenly rushes at Bill, entering into him.

That’s the end of the first episode, which by True Blood standards actually kinda dialed back the wacky a bit. Maybe because they had so much plot to get through or maybe because Alan Ball is now off the show, but here’s hoping they keep it up. I pay good money for the crazy and I don’t care what people think.

Word.