HBO Round-Up

 **Spoilers for the season finale of Game of Thrones and season premiere of True Blood*

It seems to defy belief that the fourth season of Game of Thrones would end and nobody here at TV Sluts would comment on it. I mean, we commented on it to other people in our daily lives, but just not to you guys. Not because we don't love you, but because you would be surprised how hard it is to coordinate the schedules of several working adults to figure out a time when an online chat can take place.

So instead of a patented TV Sluts GOT chat, you'll just have to make do with little old me, sharing some thoughts.

First thought: WOW.

This season has been my favorite by far, and not just because we are into some real meaty plot stuff, but because it is also the season that has deviated the most from the books. Not in any real substantive way, but in some amazing character moments and relationships and yes, even some minor changes in the plot.

Remember this guy from the book? YEAH, ME NEITHER.

So despite having read all the books several times, I was still on the edge of my seat throughout the finale. Scenes like the Hound. vs. Brienne throw-down (not in the book) had me filled with anxiety because I had no idea what was going to happen! That must be how watching the entire show is for others. How do y'all take the pressure??

Even when I knew what was going to happen, such as the Tyrion--Shae--Tywin scene, everything was so well done and acted that I was peeking through my fingers because of the tension. Tywin Lannister, the most powerful person in Westeros, killed by his son on the shitter....oh, excuse me, the privy. Classic.

"Lord Tywin Lannister, did not, in the end, shit gold."

I don't want to go through and just rehash the finale with comments like "wasn't that cool?!?" because the whole thing was cool. This show just keeps getting better and better, and despite all the horror, death, and pain of the fourth season, they even managed to end on a hopeful note with Arya sailing off to a new life across the sea.

*cue "awwwwws" from the crowd*

....and as they say, out with the old and in with the new! With the conclusion of Game of Throne's most recent season, we get the premiere of True Blood's seventh and final season.

It seems like I might have been the only person who was excited for the True Blood premiere. Everybody I would ask "are you watching True Blood???" would look at me weird and respond with something along the lines of, "oh, I stopped watching X number of years ago." This saddens me, because I still find the show wildly entertaining. Silly, no doubt, but still entertaining.

The season premiere last Sunday followed a typical True Blood pattern. We started off with a bang, checked in with all the characters, laid the groundwork for the season to come, and had to make due with some meh plots.

There was no waiting for the action in the premiere; we opened the show right where we left off, with a horde of hepatitis V infested vampires attacking (and kidnapping and killing) many of the poor citizens of Bon Temps.

And then....we flash over to Tara's gross mother, who, in an astounding act of grace in last season's finale, finally "fed" and "nourished" her daughter by allowing Tara to drink her blood. And Tara's mother is weeping over a big pile of vampire goo that is....Tara. Yep, apparently Tara died. And off screen!

Clean up in aisle 3. 

Of course, I immediately call bullshit. No way True Blood is going to kill a major character without some more fanfare. But then I read this article by my favorite tv author, Jacob (who used to write amazing recaps for Television Without Pity). Jacob raises the most excellent point that the show has basically shit all over Tara's character since the second season, so Tara's potential death feels more likely. Sadly. Despite Tara's kind of...I dunno, uselessness? to the overall plot aside from being the person who wanders off and gets in trouble or yells at everyone a lot, I've always liked the character. Probably because the actress does such a great job, but still. Tara deserved better. 

Though like I said...if she ends up coming back in some fashion, I definitely won't be surprised.

The episode set things up nicely for the season: all the show's most annoying characters are locked in the Fangtasia basement getting eaten one by one by the infected vampires. Sookie is still making stupid decisions (wandering off in a huff when she KNOWS there is a pack of evil vampires close by) but somehow still being awesome and banging Alcide so at least girlfriend has made one good choice. Jessica is quickly becoming one of my favorites through her bravery in protecting half-fairy Adilyn, Andy has shown some of the best character development in the last seven years of any character I can think of, Bill is....well nobody really cares about Bill, right? Except his book does sound like something I would TOTALLY read.

This is totally my next book club pick. My Mom is gonna love it.

There are more characters and subplots then you can shake a stick at, but it seems like this year True Blood has finally hit upon a main story that affects everyone on the show and is driving everyone towards related goals. Except for one notable exception.

Pam spent the premiere wandering around "exotic foreign" backlot sets in her search for Erik. We haven't seen hide (and what a nice hide it is) nor hair of him since he burst into flames on the side of a Swedish mountain last year. I love that Pam is looking for him, especially after he released her from the maker bond, but dear god, I am already bored with this plot.

Bring Erik back. NOW.

But that one flaw aside, I am very excited for what the final season holds. I haven't read the Sookie Stackhouse books so have no idea how things end up there and no expectations or hopes for how things end up on the tv show. As always with True Blood, the best strategy is just to enjoy the ride. Silly as it may be.

Erik is always starting fires. IN MY PANTS.

And Now, A Very Special Episode About STDs

Apologies, all - I'm behind in the True Blood recaps. The first of two this week, summarizing the two most recent episodes. We're definitely moving into the second half of the season with this one as shit is starting to go down and we even lose a (mostly) major character. Without further ado...

Because there’s never a time when this show doesn’t like to start us directly in the middle of the action, we begin this time with Lafayette (who, you’ll remember, is possessed by the ghost of Sookie’s father) attempting to drown Sookie in a river to finish what he planned on doing all those years ago – kill her before she could be taken by vampires. True Blood logic, everybody! Anyway, Ben saves her before anything can happen and forces Mr. Stackhouse out of Lafayette with his faerie light. GhostDad was hoping for a nice reunion but he pretty much ruined that. Sookie tells Lafayette to tell him to get out of her life forever. So basically she’s doing the same thing all girls say to their fathers at some point, it’s just delayed by about ten years post-puberty. And, you know, drowning.

"Just saying. Father of the Year Award nomination? Off the table."

In VampireDome, Eric and Pam prepare to stare at each other to death. Pam is none too pleased that Eric sired another vampire, but puts that aside to help Eric kill the guards who are watching the room with their guns and seriously freaking out the Gov, Sarah and Steve Newlin who are watching. Take Away Message here: don’t pit Eric and Pam against each other. Bitches will literally eviscerate you.

Bill/Lilith is calling Ben to him/her. Sookie transports her and Ben to the magic faerie dimension that looks like it was shot through a 1970s gauze filter to keep them safe.  Bill, unable to bring Ben to him, gets his professor in the basement to drain him of almost all his blood in order to force a hallucinatory meeting with Lilith.

Jason, pursing a long line of unfortunate choices, is in the VTF recruiting office where he comes on a little strong even for these folk, expressing a significant desire to “fuck these fucking fangers up.” “Why don’t I just go through the interview checklist first,” the recruiter offers. Either way it goes well with Jason providing a litany of what he knows about vampires and the recruiter meeting eagerness in kind and deciding to fetch his supervisor for approval. “Racist fucks,” Jason mutters under his breath as the recruiter walks away.

You know what would be awesome? More time away from the Sam/Nicole plotline. Unfortunately, we’ve got more of it. Nicole wants Sam to face up to who he is, stop running away with Emma, blah blah blah. Sam is doubtful. Yuck. At any rate, Alcide finds his father in the motel that Sam and Nicole are staying in. Pops and one of the “were-bitches” have been, ahem, passing the time but tell him where to find Sam and Nicole. Alcide HULKSMASHs his way into their room, but Sam and Nicole have gone already.

In the faerie realm, Ben tells Sookie that he needs her to restrain him before the sun sets so that he won’t hurt her. Sookie complies, using vines and her magic light to tie him down. Ben meanwhile expresses regret that Sookie had to find out about what her parents were planning. The touching reconciliation could go farther, but he starts to vamp out.

This is so going to go in an S&M-y direction, isn’t it? 

Andy Bellefleur has a talk with his surviving daughter who is about ready for a real name, especially because being called Number Four is kind of an uncomfortable reminder about what happened to the other three. He decides to give her the name Adilyn Braelin Charlene Danica, one name for each sister.

Lafayette is trying to recover from his possession-a-thon with the best way he knows how – copious drugs and crafting. 

For realz. 

He’s interrupted by Terry, who appears shaken (we know why) and gives Lafayette the key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette, rightly, knows something’s up but accepts the key and a very awkward hug from Terry. He also calls Arlene to let her know that her husband is wicked unstable. Arlene panics, worried that Terry will try to kill himself out of guilt from the war. Holly suggests using a vampire to glamour Terry into forgetting about what happened in Iraq, perhaps asking her son’s friend’s dad’s husband who is a vampire. “He owes me one,” she tells Arlene, picking up the phone to call before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “they’re gay!” And see, True Blood, when you write shit like this it makes me want to fall in love with you all over again.

Sookie is getting the low-down from Ben – he was born in 3532 BC, turned in 3500 BC and he’s been waiting for her the entire time. Uh huh. “So, how did you think this was going to go?” Sookie asks, pointing out that showing up with a contract roughly 6,500 years after becoming a vampire and demanding that she be his faerie bride may not go over like gangbusters and you’d think six thousand years of planning would have yielded something a little more graceful. Like flowers and a box of chocolates, or something. Ben tells her that the contract was arranged in the 17^th century, but he’ll tear it up if she wants him to. He despises that Lilith made him a vampire and if Sookie was with him, it would be okay because with Sookie also a faerie vampire, they’d only need each other’s blood.

At the VampCamp, the Gov is getting smug over Eric being put to the True Death. He brings in Nora as a bargaining chip, saying he’ll kill her to make Eric understand what it feels like to lose someone close to him like the Gov feels now that Eric has “killed” Willa. The Gov’s scientist inject Willa with something they call “Hepatitis V”, which can be spread sexually, hence all that experimental vampire lab sex. They leave them both chained and facing each other.   

I really wanted this scientists to have a fake stereotypical German accent, but alas. He was American. 

Bill, through the help of blood loss, is able to meet with Lilith who tells him that The Tyrant took Jessica and “The Blonde” took their salvation and basically Bill is the biggest disappointment she’s seen which, given her age, you have to admit is saying something. Lilith warns him not to come to her again and instead he needs to grow a pair, man up and act.

Sam meanwhile has called Martha, Emma’s grandmother, to come get her provided that she’ll be kept safe from the Pack. Martha tells Sam that she’s left the Pack and seems genuinely grateful. Sam says what is probably supposed to be a heart-rending goodbye to Emma, but honestly since we’ve only spent like three minutes of screen-time on these two together this season, it’s hard to muster the tears. Later, Alcide catches up with them and gets pissed to see that Emma has already been taken away. Sam calls Alcide out, tells him to stop being a dick or come at him already. Alcide tells Sam to leave town if he knows what’s good for him and that Alcide may not kill Sam, but he won’t stop his pack from doing it.

Arlene and Holly welcome in the gay vampire (conservatively, but fashionably dressed, btw) to hypnotize Terry. Arlene asks the vampire to ensure that Terry remembers nothing about the war and only remembers his family and his civilian life. Finally, a life of happiness and contentment can be theirs!

"I'm sure our long-fought struggle for emotional and familial stability will in no way be undermined by actions one of us has taken without consulting the other."

Jason is regaling the VTF with his war stories about Rambo-ing the Authority last season when Sarah enters the room. Jason admits to her privately that he’s getting Jessica out and if she tattles on him, he’ll reveal her secrets as well. Willa, meanwhile, demands that her father put her with the rest of the vampires instead of solitary, despite the Gov’s insistence that she needs to be kept safe so that they can “fix” her.  

As Bill rejoins the land of the somewhat living, news hits that the Gov has made an agreement with the makers of True Blood to start up production again. Bill fears time has run out and swallows Ben’s blood, allowing him to go outside in the daylight for the first time in 150 years.

In creepy emotionally abusive news, Sarah Newlin isn’t about to take Jason’s threats laying down. Unlike everything else of his that she’s taken in that position. (hey-o!) She arranges for Jason to observe the vampire’s “copulation study” process from behind a one-way mirror. Naturally, one of the two subjects is Jessica. Her “study partner” is just as squicked out, insisting that he’s a vampire, not a rapist. He is hit with bursts of sunlight for protesting. Jessica sobs and tells him just to have sex with her to spare him, but the vampire with the heart of gold refuses. Sarah orders Jessica removed from the room.

At Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, Terry has a new lease on life and Arlene couldn’t be happier. Life is good! Terry gleefully going about his job, cleaning up the kitchen and taking the trash out. Which is when the shot rings out. Arlene runs outside to see Terry shot through the neck and bleeding out on the ground. She holds Terry to her as Terry slowly dies in her arms. Okay, I know I said I was tired of this plot last time, but man. Harsh.

Damn. That's cold, brah. 

The Gov is conducting a dramatic reading of the Bible when Bill invades his compound, wooden bullets flying right through him without harming him. Bill uses his new abilities to make all the guards shoot each other and demands that Gov tell him about the room where all the vampires are executed by the sunlight. The Gov doesn’t want to play, refusing information and saying that Bill killing him will just turn him into a martyr for the cause. “Cut off my head and another grows in its place,” the Gov warns. Bill decides to take his chances…and literally rips the Gov’s head off.

"Alas, poor Yorrick..."

Nora isn’t looking too good, the Hep V disease working into her system. Eric summons Willa from the common room, who glamours the pervy guard who tried to her to blow him last time into  taking her to the room Eric and Nora are being held. Eric and Nora dress in guard and doctor clothes and pretend to take Willa hostage in order to flee the facility, but Willa insists they get Tara and Jessica as well. In the search, Eric discovers that the facility is the True Blood bottling plant and that the scientists have been contaminating the new True Blood supply with Hep V. 

In the spirit of truthful things, Sookie is still talking with Ben and confessing that she knows that everyone in town thinks she is “a danger whore.” Ben snarks that he’s had the same problem, why do you think he lived alone for thousands of years? Sookie wonders if they’re right, given that she’s developed feelings for Ben and she’s at least finally aware that she’s got a pattern going. Then, to prove the point, she offers her blood to Ben, knowing he needs to feed. Him biting her leads to her biting him which leads to her removing Ben’s pants which leads the hot sweaty sexytime. As the two grind each other, they both begin to glow.

Offered without comment. 

True Blood Special - All Shirts Half Off!

So, the True Blood episode "At Last" this week finally brought us back to some of the classic Season 1-era good stuff, with all the vampire-lovin' and crazy V Juice hallucinations and some good, old fashioned slaughter. It took us four episodes, but we're finally getting to the good stuff, people. 

We begin with Sookie and Ben distracting themselves from their nascent hormones to notice that Jason’s “I’m Totally Fine It’s In No Way A Problem” related sickness from last episode is, go figure, a problem now that he’s passed out on the floor. While Sookie goes to call 911, Ben vamps out (!!!)and bites into his own arm to feed Jason his blood. Why Ben – you sly dog you! So that’s why Sookie is so into you.  And it couldn’t possibly be in no way shape or form because you’re totally maybe not really Warlow. I mean, there’s absolutely no possible way our blonde heroine could be fooled by a handsome man who’s secretly the big bad, right?

Oh. Right. 

Nora is fleeing but is stopped by Grandpa. Nora has figured out that Warlow is the only one who can kill Lilith, but no one knew before now due to a mistranslation in the Vampire Bible. Don’t you just kinda wish there was also something about wearing mixed textiles or selling your daughter into slavery for not being a virgin as well? Anyway, It’s right about then that Nora realizes she’s talking to a yummy, yummy faerie and Grandpa has to literally blast her half a mile away, right into a troop of the Gov’s armed men, who bag and tag Nora like it’s their job. Of course, that’s because it is.

Back at the house, Jason has made an astonishing recovery and is back to normal in, literally, seconds. Ben feigns ignorance as Grandpa returns to remind Ben that Sookie is the one who is Fey and needs protecting, not Jason. Tough love, Jason. Don’t look to Grandpa to be your new father figure.

The werewolf pack is finishing up their meal of Hipsters Au Gratin when Martha notices that Sam made away with Emma. Alcide orders the wolves to give chase. Sidebar – did the writers this season just decide to throw out all of Alcide’s characterization from the past three years? He’s approaching serious dick-itude. Sam is helping the wounded Nicole get to Lafayette who’s waiting with the getaway car.

"I know. We're almost halfway through the season and we're both stuck in this plotline."

Ginger, meanwhile, is doing her best to keep the Governor talking, but his patience is up and his men raid her house with “silver oxide” tear gas. Ginger gets yet another chance to scream her trademark scream as the Governor orders her taken to the Camp as well. Given how often she’s been glamoured, the Camp may actually be restful for her. Eric and Pam, however, have already escaped to find Tara, who has says she’s hidden Willa at the county fairground.

At the Bellefleur’s, the Quintuplets are listening into Terry’s thoughts about Patrick, the dead fire-monster Marine from last season. Terry tries to tell them he’s just sad that Patrick had to go away, but the girls are like, “Um… we’re mind-readers. You killed him, dude.” These four are rapidly becoming the Mean Girls of Bon Temps with all their giggling and laser-hand blasting. Andy arrives to put the girls to bed. “You haven’t slept since you were three,” he tells them. He kisses them goodnight and turns out the light and closes the door, which is right when the next growth spurt hits and the girls instantly mature to late teenagers. “I don’t want to stay in bed,” one of them says. “We might be 30 by the time we wake up.” They decide to do what teenage girls do best – sneak out and find a rager somewhere.

"Maybe a pillow fight will break out while we're still developmentally age-appropriate for one."

At Sookie’s, Jason is working out (shirtless, naturally) and managing pull up reps in the upper 200s. Hrm… Sookie is tidying up the living  room when she sees a drop of blood on the floor. She remembers Grandpa showing her last episode how the blood that was all over the slaughtered faerie Go-Go club reacted strangely to faerie light and this drop does the same. Remember how Ben was supposedly walking around for a day before finding the place and I was asking if it was bad writing or a plot point? Guess we know which.

The Quintuplets meanwhile have stolen Andy’s police cruiser and headed to the liquor store in Aunt Arlene’s best “gal on the town” clothes, unaware that they’re being followed by Bill and Jessica. Inside the liquor store, the girls tell the skeezy cashier that they forgot their IDs, but they’re totes 27. The cashier says if they want to follow him to the back there’s a “little known trick of anatomy” that he knows that can tell him for sure if they’re of age. Jessica saves the day, glamouring the cashier into leaving. Jessica tries to bond with the kids before inviting them back to her place, but the girls notice that she “smells funny” and isn’t like them. Jessica admits that she’s a vampire, but tells them not to worry because she’s “Like, totally old and I can totally control myself and I have, like, a ton of faerie friends.” Sounds good to the girls! (See my repeated comments re: faeries and their lack of critical thinking skills.)

Jason, meanwhile, is shaving (shirtless, naturally). With Ben’s help. While Barry White style music plays in the background.  “Do you want to do me now?” Ben asks, winking. Jason lathers his face with shaving cream before accidently cutting Ben’s neck with the razor, causing a trickle of blood. Ben asks him to taste the blood and Jason moves in, mouth open, tongue out aaaaaaaand you TOTALLY knew this was a weird sex dream, right? Jason bolts upright in his bed, looking hilariously freaked out.

Ho-yay ahoy!

Bill talks one of the girls into letting him take some of her blood, under the guise of it being a foreplay thing. He then brings the blood to the professor that Jessica brought in last episode who’s being held in a makeshift lab in the basement. Bill asks him to use the girl’s blood to replicate this blood, just like he did with human blood to make True Blood, telling the professor “failure is not an option.”

Eric has found Willa in the fairgrounds. She reiterates that she’s on his side, not being happy with what her father is doing and she wants to help in any way that she can. Eric digs a grave in the earth and helps her into it before joining her (shirtless, naturally). “Is it going to hurt?” She whimpers. “Not the way I do it,” he responds before biting her, spilling blood all over her white nightgown. He then uses her crucifix to open his own neck and has her drink from him. FINALLY, TRUE BLOOD! Only took you, like six years to get to this classic dangerous, Dracula-y, sexy, sacrilegious vampire stuff. 

Jeez, way to make a guy wait for it, you know?

The next day, Sam and Nicole are patching up Nicole and breaking the bad news that her Vampire Unity group was killed. By Werewolves. There’s a joke in there, but I’m not sure exactly where it is. Nicole tries to leave town, but Sam points out that’s ridiculously stupid given that there’s a whole pack of werewolves on her tail that can follow her anywhere.

Sookie finds Ben at his hotel (shirtless, naturally). She offers to fix him supper for his trouble, but it’s totally not a date. Actually, it’s probably totally not since Sookie has uncharacteristically seemed to figure out that Ben’s not being totally upfront here.

Jason finds Grandpa at the kitchen table and decides to “coyly” ask about his sexytime dream. Grandpa immediately knows what’s going on, amusedly noting that Ben is “a handsome fella.” It could all be a good opportunity for a Bon Temps It Gets Better video, when it occurs to Grandpa that if a vampire could turn a Fey, the end result could be a vampire who can be out in the sun. Grandpa and Jason find Ben in his hotel room about to get into the shower (he apparently put a shirt on after talking to Sookie, however quickly takes it off, naturally) and move in for the kill. They try to ambush him in the shower, but Ben is already behind them, taking Grandpa out with a light blast and glamoring Jason into believing that they never found him, and suddenly speaking in an English accent. Jason is sent to the car, leaving Grandpa with Ben who feeds on him.

Andy Bellefeur is going nuts looking for his missing daughters and wants to put out an APB on “four Caucasian girls between 4 and 7 feet tall, 60 and 260lbs. and the ages of 10 and 50.” Arlene and Terry correctly point out that they’re probably just being teenagers and his reactions are exactly what parents go through. They’re not wrong, but, as usual, they’re so not right at the same time.

Sookie has set the table all nice and Southern-like, however like a true Southern Gothic novel character, she’s got a bottle of liquid silver poison next to her recipe box.  Upstairs she makes herself pretty (shirtless, naturally. Hey, everyone gets a little sumthin’ sumthin’ in this episode).

"Let me show you how a shirtless scene is done, boys."

In the lab, the Professor has figured out that the girl’s blood is highly unstable and will turn into regular human blood once outside of the girl’s bodies. The Professor refuses to work as long as Bill is holding anyone else hostage, but Bill’s not hearing it, throwing the Prof to the ceiling with his brain.

Willa, meanwhile, has awoken and is feeding off a young man until Eric tears her away, handing the young man some money as “short notice hazard pay.” Willa wants to either hunt or have sex, but Eric sends her home to her father. Eric tells her that in 1000 years, she’s only the second vampire he’s ever made and it wasn’t done lightly – if her father can see that vampires were once human and aren’t something to be hunted, it will be worth it. Have to say, I can’t see this going the way he thinks it’s going to.

Pam and Tara are trying to find an underground speakeasy for a willing human meal and fighting about Willa. Tara is pissed at Pam’s “This is war” attitude and runs away just as Pam is shot by an approaching Army guard and taken captive.

In the Governor’s mansion, Sarah Newlin is trying to distract the Governor from his missing daughter. Sarah, it seems, has embraced the mistress-y parts of modern politics. Just then, Willa arrives, and tells her father he has to stop persecuting “us vampires” and if he still loves her, he will call off his plans. “This is my daughter” he says, seemingly willing to agree. Too bad he’s still got that wound from earlier, leaking fresh blood which just sets Willa off. Thankfully, Sarah’s there to shoot Willa down like a dog. “You’ve got to send her to the camp,” Sarah tells the Gov.

On the bridge, Ben is feeding Grandpa his blood when Grandpa makes the connection that Ben is Warlow. Ben tells Grandpa that what made him spare Grandpa all those years ago was the struggle that he feels between his own dark and light impulses before opening the portal that he came through and tossing Grandpa into it.

Sam and Nicole hide out in a hotel room as Nicole has serious survivor guilt over being the last hipster standing and Sam is just now thinking about how Luna died in his arms. Well, this is a good time to make out, right?

Sookie is about to give up on Ben having stood her up when he shows up at the door with flowers. She serves him the plate of silver-infused chicken which he eats with gusto, confounding Sookie.

At Bill’s house, the girls are getting restless and ready to go and no amount of Jessica’s dress up clothes is going to keep them here. Jessica suddenly looses control and lunges at one of them, biting her neck. 

"None of you even have names. I'm just going my part to clean up the character roster."

Andy and Jason, meanwhile, have found Andy’s abandoned cruiser and the cashier who can’t recall the girls ever coming by. Jason says that its possible he was glamoured “or he might just be an idiot.” Right on both counts, Jason. Jason lets slip that faeries are catnip to vampires, sending Andy running for his car.

At Bill’s house, Jessica has fallen off the wagon in a major way. Like, in a “sorry I ate all of the Sheriff’s daughters, but at least we’ve resolved this aging plotline before they got to middle age” kind of way. Bill finds her sobbing over their bloody bodies, praying that they’re not dead.

Sookie and Ben are getting friendly on the couch. This being Sookie and Ben being a vampire, “friendly” means going from a kiss to straddling and unzipping within literally seconds. (I never have dates like this.) The shirts come off one last time (naturally) and Ben is about to get lucky when Sookie whispers all soft and sexy-like into his ear, “You can get the fuck off me now, Warlow.” We see she’s got her Faerie Nuclear Light Bomb ready to go in her hand as we cut to black.

"The writers never give me moments of awesome. Don't take this from me, Jerk."

A Comedy Tonight!

Recap of this week's True Blood’s episode “You’re No Good." Despite the overly serious nature of the last two episodes, we finally got some time to (intentionally) bring the funny in this one. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric abducts Willa, the daughter of the Governor and learns that the Gov has been building a concentration camp for vampires, the newest addition to which is a captured Steve Newlin. Alcide is torn between protecting the pack and Emma’s obvious fear and desire to be returned to Sam. Andy Bellefleur tries to make nice with waitress Holly. Bill’s new powers don’t extend to keeping him safe in the sun, so he tries to force Sookie to give him some of her blood to save everyone, possibly irreparably damaging their relationship forever. Jason falls mysteriously ill just as Ben and Grandpa try to help Sookie defend herself against Warlow.

Recap:

Eric is making with the sexy gesturing on the Governor’s daughter, Willa. It’s all very cheesy 1990s porn-y, honestly, with Eric saying things like, “Are you daddy’s little girl?” to her. The point being, if he kills her, will it mess up the Governor in a royally craptastic way. (One assumes “yes”.) Willa manages to tell Eric just before the biting and draining begins about her father's “experiments.” This is news to Eric. Armed guards burst down the door to Willa’s bedroom, but Eric and Willa are already gone through the open window.

Sookie is practicing her faerie lights unaware that something is watching her from outside her house. Again, how the hell have faeries survived all this time? Any other prey in the animal kingdom at least had the good sense to evolve side-facing eyes in order to avoid predators. Thankfully, Grandpa is a bit better in tune and feels something approaching. He begins to pursue, but when Jason, who’s suddenly feeling ill, collapses outside and Sookie leaves the house to help him, Grandpa is forced to teleport them all back inside. Sookie says she’s so used to danger she doesn’t get scared until the “shit starts to really hit the fan.” 

“Inter-dimensional ancient vampire with a hate on for your blood? That’s pretty much as shit-and-fan as you get, sister.”

Eric brings Willa to Fangtasia. Which is to say, he’s kidnapped the Governor’s daughter and brought her to an illegal vampire business that the Governor is expressly trying to shut down. Tara sums it up nicely with an “aw hell no you di’en.” Eric orders Pam and Tara to pack what they need while he glamours the hell out of Willa, but before he can do anything Willa turns that tables and offers to help, saying she doesn’t approve of her father’s politics. Apparently the Gov has been using state funds to build a vampire concentration camp, but she doesn’t know where. Pam wants Willa killed out of retribution, but Eric’s says the world is changing and she’s their only bargaining chip. Well, her and, you know, super powers.

Meanwhile, at the Vampire Concentration Camp, guards drag a hooded man into a lab and strap him down – it’s Steve Newlin! Remember him? The rabidly Christian anti-vampire preacher who last season got turned into a vampire and in the process also became uber gay? Poor guy’s fallen on harder times it seems. The lab scientist does his best Goebbels impression and orders the guards to get Newlin ready.

Sam and Lafayette are coming to in Sam’s living room – Nicole and her boyfriend Jesse brought them in after the werewolf fight was over. Lafayette kicks them and their overly PC asses out with a bottle of whiskey and awesomeness, but Nicole manages to get an apology out to Sam before leaving. Yup, it’s new love interest season and no existing boyfriend is safe. Sam wants to get Emma, but Lafayette points out that he can’t possibly do it along since his schemes usually end up with him being captured. “So I’m telling you, I is in, and I want to know what’s the muthafuckin’ plan, boyfriend?”

Lafayette is awesome ALWAYS.

Eric shows up at Ginger’s house (she’s the tweaked out barmaid at Fangtasia who’s perpetually hot for Eric and perpetually confused from how many times Pam has had to glamour her) and gets her to invite him in on the pretext of having sex so he can hide Willa and hide from the sun that’s going to rise soon. Classic comedy of errors with many times the front door slamming only to be stopped by Pam then Tara. It’s classic comedy, people.

Jessica, meanwhile, is trying to clarify Bill’s “everyone’s going to burn” comment since, you know, details on such a prediction could potentially be important since she’s one of everyone, but Bill doesn’t know the whys or wherefores. Because his vision is a gift from Lilith he thinks he can survive during the day. As the sun comes up, Jessica tries to talk him into coming inside, terrified that he’ll burn, but Bill sends her inside to safety and waits for the sun in his front yard. It…doesn’t go well. Bill instantly ignites in flames and runs burning into the house. “I don’t understand…” he weeps as Jessica holds him.

"I believe I'm a God and so I want to take a potentially fatal risk. When has that ever gone wrong?"

Grandpa arrives at the faerie sanctuary/club to find it deserted and bloody. He uses his faerie light whatchamahoozle powers to see into the recent past and all the faerie Go-Go dancers that lived there scattered as something entered the club and killed them. That’s when he finds the one faerie left alive, who confirms that it was a vampire that got in somehow and asks Grandpa to send him home – which apparently involves disintegrating him into a pile of dust. Hail and farewell, you brave Go-Go dancing faerie boy.

Jason is still feeling miserable back at the house. Sookie wants to take him to the hospital, but he insists he’s getting better now that the hallucinations are gone, which Sookie had no idea about. “You didn’t wonder why I’ve been acting all crazy and more racist than usual?” he asks her. Fair point, Jason. He tells Sookie that it was because he’s been seeing their parents encouraging him, which he doesn’t understand given how nice they were in life. Sookie points out that when we lose people, sometimes we only remember the good and become blind to their faults, reminding Jason that their mother was scared of her for Sookie’s entire life. The entire scene is actually really sweet and I honestly love Sookie/Jason scenes for how well the way they capture how adult siblings act with each other.

At the Sheriff’s office, Andy Bellefleur and his deputy are unpacking their new anti-vampire provisions supplied by the Louisiana state government when Holly the waitress and sometimes paramour arrives wanting to know if Andy’s going to enforce the Governor’s vampire curfew. Behind her are Andy’s now tween-aged quadruplets, who have evolved quickly to like tracksuits and Justin Beiber. Holly, being there for the girls’ birth two days ago is…nonplussed to say the least. “Do they have names?” she asks. “ Right now I’m just using numbers,” Andy replies.

"There's literally nothing about the concept of good parenting that makes it through to you, is there?"

Meanwhile, two officers have arrived at Martha’s house looking for Emma, who is stashed in the back. Alcide and Ricki (one of the two indistinguishable were-bitches, just using her words) say they haven’t seen her and can’t help, but the cops insist on seeing Martha. Ricki fetches Martha to distract the cops and then turns on Emma, forcibly demanding that she shift into wolf form, despite her terror at being there. Outside the cops aren’t buying anyone’s story and insist that they be let in, since the Gov’s new orders give them vast latitude on search and seizure. Because Governors can overrule federal law as well as constitutionally protected rights with an executive order, but whatevs reality. Upon entering, they find Ricki holding a small puppy and leave. Ricki gains a little sympathy from me when she points out to Alcide and Martha that if the cops learn that they’re all werewolves than it’s only a matter of time before everything that they’re doing to the vampires is done to them too. Grumble, grumble, character depth, grrr…

Andy, Holly and the girls have taken to the woods so that Andy can teach Holly how to shoot a gun in case she needs to protect herself. When Holly can’t manage to hit any of the targets, the girls begin taking potshots of their own. “Dammit, girls! How many times do I have to tell you? Hand lasers off!” Andy yells. When Holly finally manages to hit a target, Andy confesses that he still has feelings for her and knows she’s mad that he, you know, knocked up a faerie a few weeks ago. Holly tries to sound unimpressed until one of the girls says, “Do you want to know what she’s thinking?” “Shut up, Number Three,” Holly yells back.

In less funny situations, Willa is stuck sitting in a hole in the ground with Eric all day trying to talk to him when all he wants to do is sleep. Willa says the reason the Gov hates vampires is because her mother was cheating on him with a vampire. So Mom was a fangbanger and, turns out, Willa is too! (Naturally – we’ve gone almost two episodes without a sex scene.) Willa tries to taste Eric’s blood from a scratch on his face, but he won’t let her. No sex for you, Willa!

"If I wanted to not have sex, I wouldn't have dumped that Pattinson guy."

Ben apparently never made it to the faerie club/abattoir because he’s still wandering the forest almost 24 hours after Sookie left him. Bad writing, or a plot point? Time will tell. Anyway, he spots Grandpa leaving the field where the sanctuary is hidden and recognizes him as the King of the Fey. Grandpa gives him the 411 on Warlow and recruits him to help once Ben hears that Grandpa is related to Sookie.

At the Vampire Concentration Camp lab, a visitor is here to see Steve – it’s his ex-wife Sarah, who we last saw co-leading the Fellowship of the Sun with him before she had extra-marital sex with Jason and he left her to be a gay vampire. Modern marriage, you know? Anyway, Steve thinks Sarah’s here to save him, which judging by her significantly greater amount of makeup and hairstyling, is not going to happen. They argue about who left who, who run away with who’s money, who decided to write a best-selling tell-all book about the whole deal. Again, the usual for a recently-divorced Christian celebrity power couple. Sarah tells him the Camp is a legally-sanctioned facility for eradicating the vampire race. After all, she tells him, “if you really want to go God’s work, you have to be in politics.”

"Is there possibly a vampire version of the Appalachian Trial you could hike? That would really help my congressional ambitions." 

That night, Bill awakes healed and asks Jessica to find a professor at the university, the one who originally created True Blood and bring him, but he advises her to wear something “inappropriate.” Oh Jesus, True Blood. This was all just an excuse to get Jessica in a schoolgirl outfit wasn’t it?

Spoiler alert: Yes.

Jessica joins the Good Dr. Jailbait’s lecture, Charlie’s Angels style, and immediately catches his attention. After the lecture Jessica lays it on thick, telling him that she just switched her major to organic chemistry and needs a little “private tutoring” to catch up. Dr. Pedophile suggests tonight, perhaps? “Oh, it has to be tonight,” Jess vamps. (Pun!) Bill, meanwhile, shows up at Sookie’s door and asks for her help to prevent the vision he saw. Sookie refuses to invite him in, but Bill somehow is able to enter without the invitation. He tells Sookie he needs her blood for Dr. Sleezy to synthesize so he can save Eric, Pam, Jessica and Tara from his vision and he’ll take her with her or against her will. Sookie says if he ever loved her, he’d leave and not ask for her blood again. Bill angrily tells her that she’s practically dead to him now. “I’m good with that,” she responds, albeit a little sadly.

Nicole, Jesse and the other hipster activists are trying to get covert video of the werewolves turning, so they approach Alcide and the others asking to talk to them. In retrospect, approaching werewolves with a name like the Vampire Unity Society was not a smart idea, and the pack gets restless quickly, starting with Ricki who wolfs out and charges. A few blood splatters later and Nicole is the only member left alive. She flees for the hills pursued by the wolves, which is when the owl that has been watching them for a while turns into Sam, who runs into the house to rescue Emma.

At Ginger’s house, the Governor is on the line. Literally. He’s called Eric’s cell phone. Ginger rouses the vamps who keep Willa quiet while Eric talks. The Gov tries to trace the call while they talk (ATTN: Hollywood – do you not know how caller ID works?), locating them. Eric uses Ginger to keep the line open while chasing after Willa whom Tara has fled with.

Grandpa brings Ben to Sookie’s house, just in time for Sookie’s emotional break with Bill. He tells them about what he found, including how many of Sookie’s faerie friends are now dead. Ben tries to make nice with Sookie, asking if he can help clean the damage to the kitchen from Bill’s temper tantrum. She softens a bit and notices that she can feel it when Ben listens in on her thoughts, but not when other Fey do. Grandpa senses that Warlow is back outside the house. Grandpa and Ben head outside and trap something, but it turns out to be Nora. Just then, Jason collapses inside the house, allowing Nora to get away.

Andy catches Bill outside after curfew, but Bill persuades him to let him go home. In the process, Bill notices that Andy suddenly has a whole batch of new half-faerie children floating about. Well, isn’t that a development for someone who’s looking for faerie blood…