Yes, It Is Wrong You Think Gilbert is Kinda Hot (and Other Observations)

***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***

Yes, here we are, folks. Netflix (and CBC's) long-awaited (dreaded?) Anne With an E is finally available, streaming stateside on Netflix. 

   I talk way too much and have all kinds of codependency and anger issues. PLEASE KEEP ME.

This adaptation has been subject to a pretty unfair tongue-lashing by the chattering classes. There has been a lot of propaganda against this adaptation in the press, and so what I will do here is try to give the positives and negatives of this new version and let you thinking, autonomous adults make up your own minds about whether or not to watch or if you like it.

Let me first start off by saying that there is no bigger L.M. Montgomery geek than yours truly. I was legit OBSESSED with L.M. Montgomery. I read all of her books, anthologized short story collections, several biographies, and her personal published journals. I visited P.E.I. and Nova Scotia, and I have been to actual Green Gables. I spent most of junior high watching the Megan Follows Anne and its subsequent sequel, and I spent a good portion of my time imagining I was Ilse Burnley in an adaptation of Emily of New Moon. I also was a YUUUUUGE fan of Kevin Sullivan's Road to Avonlea series, watching all of the episodes multiple times. 

I have cred.

Here's what I do like:

AmyBeth McNulty was born to play this role. That is all there is to it. This girl is mad gifted. She looks exactly like Anne, it's true, but beyond that, her performance -- please don't throw rocks at me -- surpasses that of Follows. I understand that a lot of the differences between the performances have to do with script and direction, but I see McNulty showing a wider range of emotions. For instance, during Anne's first scene at Green Gables, McNulty bursts into tears upon being told by Marilla that there has been a mistake. Anne has been deprived of love an acceptance her entire life and it is so clear and so sensitively and beautifully portrayed by McNulty. Compared to Follows, who was directed to be upset, but what really comes through in Follows' version of this scene is Anne being like, "But wait! I'm kooky."

This kid made me cry. Legit. She has been breaking my heart. The way she inhabits this role is on par with Follows -- she is Anne.

Also outstanding is veteran actress Geraldine James in the role of Marilla. It's not easy stepping into Colleen Dewhurst's shoes, but James does an outstanding job as the no-nonsense Marilla, portraying her as a woman disinclined to tolerate shenanigans but doesn't come off as a cold-hearted bitch. This is no small task. 

I also love RH Thomson (FAN SERVICE!!!!) as Jasper Dale -- I mean, Matthew Cuthbert. Of course, die-hards know that Thomson played a very similar role on Road to Avonlea as bumbling inventor/town recluse (and later husband to Olivia King), Jasper Dale. So, this is familiar territory for Thomson. His Matthew is spot-on and so lovable. 

For the supporting cast, Walking Trigger Warning Rachel Lynde is deftly handled by Corinne Koslo; Odd Squad actress Dalila Bela portrays a very believable Diana Barry. 

And...what about Gilbert Blythe? 

How can I make Anne not hate me?

Maybe I could brood harder.

The writers have ramped up the tension/attraction between Anne and Gilbert in this version. In the Sullivan one, it's there, but it's a lot more subtle. In this version, Anne is a little more honest with herself and she knows she'd like Gilbert to maybe pull on more than her hair. They've also made him more attractive by killing off his father and making him into an orphan. That makes him sad. Men become substantially hotter when they are sad. Fact. 

I really like this portrayal of Gilbert. He is played by Lucas Jade Zumann and he is just...a dude. He seems very real and very believable. 

So, let me digress here and address some complaints.

Here's the thing: It's been thirty years since the Sullivan adaptation. It was already several years old by the time I saw it. Anne of Green Gables is one of those books that has been getting remade over and over and over again; the first film version appeared in 1919. The Sullivan version is considered the definitive Anne, and I would actually really like Netflix to put it on streaming, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for new takes on the story. 

As for complaints that Anne is a family story and that this version is too dark and depressing -- like, did we read the same story? Anne is a victim of systematic abuse and neglect. She's an orphan in a world that has very little sympathy for orphan children. The only reason she has survived up until this point is because she has created this fantasy world around her. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have been able to deal with reality. She did have to live in an orphanage (and orphanages at this point in time were not nice places), and she was put out into service with a family where the father was a drunkard who got so mad at times that he broke mirrors and windows, and they had more children than they could realistically care for. It is perfectly reasonable to assume that, during this time period, and considering the situation she was in, Anne could very well have been beaten. I do not see anything wrong with directly addressing Anne's emotional and psychological scars because they are part of her story. The whole point of Anne is that she is able to overcome her past and succeed through the love and support of her new family and friends in Avonlea. 

Personally, I would simply like to know when we are going to find out that Anne is a wizard. I mean, think about it. She's an orphan. She was mistreated by people who were supposed to be caring for her. She has visceral reactions to what she perceives are injustices. I'm not saying that Anne and Gilbert are Harry Potter's parents, I'm just saying they're probably his parents. 

"Mum, he called you 'Carrots.'

"I know, son. Stand back while I cut this bitch."

Moving along here, a couple other things I actually like are the fact that the Avonlea kids are actually kids and they look like kids. Megan Follows portrayed Anne as a 16-year-old, while the late Jonathan Crombie played Gilbert at 19. While I know that playing down is done all the time, sometimes it adds more to a piece when the youth roles are filled by young and extremely capable actors. 

The young cast is very impressive -- on the same level as the child actors on Road to Avonlea. It's also nice to see the "minor" characters like Ruby Gillis and Josie Pye getting more screen time. The Sullivan adaptation didn't seem to have much room for the other kids in Avonlea, focusing primarily on Anne, Diana, and Gilbert. 

With all of that said, if you are on the fence about whether to check the show out or not, I would suggested watching at least the first episode with an open mind. It follows the book pretty much verbatim, and it is full of fabulous performances and lush scenery. I also really enjoy the flashbacks not just to Anne's life, but to Matthew and Marilla's childhood, especially Marilla's aborted romance with John Blythe.

Having gotten my gushing out of the way, here's what I don't like: 

I understand that the producers want to make the show modern and relatable, and want to bring in some issues relevant the present day. However, what the writers and producers have misunderstood is part of Anne's appeal is that it is a timeless story, so there really is no need to bring in "modernizing" influences. Granted, this is not my show, and so if I wanted to make my historical drama more pertinent, I think I would not go about it in such a heavy-handed fashion. There's a really adorable feminist club in Avonlea, but it's run by a bunch of bitchy hypocrites. Anne gives lectures to straw-man type characters about the capabilities of females etc. 

Yawn. 

Look. For those viewers seeking moral validation in their entertainment: This story is already feminist. It's about a brother and sister who ask for a boy and are given a girl instead, and they decide to keep the girl. Anne is smart, sassy, independent, and capable. She doesn't chase after boys, and she dreams of being educated and having her own life. It's not necessary to beat us over the head with a stick about how forward-thinking she is.

Oh, Matthew! This view from my moral high horse is so virtuous!

I feel like this has been done with period pieces. A lot. There's a spunky, outspoken heroine who shocks everyone by telling them that women can do things men can't. Like she's the only one who's ever thought of that before. And she's gonna blaze a trail. Because well-behaved women rarely make history. Right. That's why we've all forgotten completely about Queen Victoria. 

Ladies, you can work! You have so many choices! Yes, Anne who was forced to work from the time she could walk is going to go around demanding the right of women to work. And what about female servants like Mary Jo, WHO HAVE TO FUCKING WORK? The fact that Anne can choose between a career and family have NOTHING TO DO with her being female. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FEMINISM. They have to do with her social class. That's it. She got a class promotion. Poor women have always had to work. Period. Now, if she wants to go be a suffragette, that's great, but I'm guessing she doesn't want to go back to scrubbing floors.  

Secondly, I don't understand why Anne has to give the reverend a bunch of attitude about religion. L.M. Montgomery was married to a minister.  I also don't understand why the Avonlea reverend was changed from a kindly, gentle man in the novel to an insufferable, closed-minded sexist. 

I understand that the writers want to bring a new take on Anne, but is this the best they've got? Anne spouts pandering platitudes about how girls are just as good as boys and people should be accepted because they're different. This is coming from someone who is a complete jerk to Jerry Butte upon their first meeting because she doesn't want him there because she's afraid that will make her place at Green Gables precarious. She only starts to be nice to Jerry after he gets his ass kicked in Charlottetown. Again, this is someone who has to work for a living; he gets no say in whether or not he goes to school.

Honestly, sometimes these lines were making me cringe. What artistic purpose does it serve? Anne was never in the business of giving moral lectures to people. She was too busy fucking up puddings with dead mice and dyeing her hair green to get all up on her high horse and spout sanctimonious harangues. Anne never thought she was better than anyone else. 

Except Josie Pye. 

Please let her throw more shade at Josie Pye. 

I bind thee, Josie Pye. I bind thee from doing harm to yourself or other people.

And why is Billy Andrews a punk?

Please nobody get mad at me, but why is Aunt Josephine a lesbian? I get it; let's be inclusive. But...why? Is there an artistic purpose that's served? You can't just reboot a story and say, "Oh, this time, so-and-so is gay" and have that be considered a bold creative move. Gay people aren't signifiers of how progressive you think you are. They're people.

I also do not like the Stranger Danger plotlines. Similarly, I really felt uncomfortable with the Matthew suicide plot. Richard Farnsworth, who portrayed Matthew in the 1985 version, did commit suicide in real life and he did use a gun, and I just thought that was really not cool. 

Don't get me wrong; some of the new plotlines and writing are very compelling and very good. It's just sometimes the show jumps the rails and the Morality Police jump out, reminding us all about some trite popular notions. I do feel that there is enough in the book to fill out several episodes. There were many incidents in the Sullivan version that were blended, or cut altogether. 

One other thing is, and I know this is nitpicky, I don't like the contemporary dialogue thrown into the episodes. For instance, like "Bud" and "Seriously, what's your problem" and "A cute girl is a cute girl" are out of place. Your audience isn't stupid; they'll understand if you use more complicated vocabulary and words that have more than two syllables. 

To wrap up: If you're curious about the show, do yourself a favor and watch it. It has a lot of positive points, and they more or less outweigh the negatives. What I see here is a show trying to find its legs, and I think it might be a good idea to bring in some of the writing team from Road to Avonlea. The incidents that are taken from the book are really nicely adapted, so I would like to see them doing more of that and following more in the footsteps of the successful Sullivan series. 

"But what DO boys want, Marilla?"

"Cheetos and beer, my child. And video games."

Recapping AHS: Our Long National Nightmare is Over

Yup, it's been forever on this one, everybody. I wish I could say it was entirely because I was too busy to write this, but it's more than that. I'll explain more at the end, but in the meantime how do we start the final episode of the season? With a music video! Starring Stevie Nicks, naturally! Seriously – it happened.  Vaguely because we needed to see a montage about how each of the girls study for their finals the Seven Wonders, but really it just came off looking a lot like an early 90s VH1 hit.

The night before the trials begin, Myrtle has literally prepared a last supper modeled after DaVinci. Mrytle explains that any of the four girls competing could die in the process. “Childhood is over, my girls,” Cordelia tells them. “Kick ass tomorrow.”

The first wonder! Each of the girls must use telekinesis to move a burning candlestick across the table to their hands. Misty goes first and nails it. Queenie, Madison, and Zoe each follow. No elimination round here!

What "light as a feather, stiff as a board" would like like if high schools had sorority hazing rituals.

The second wonder! Mind control! Misty is up first again and makes Queenie smack herself repeatedly. Queenie retaliates by forcing Misty to pull her own hair. Madison gets more personal, however, and compels Kyle to make out with her in front of Zoe. Zoe, however, will cut a bitch and makes Kyle come to her for an extended make out. Madison then forces Kyle to strangle Zoe until Cordelia interrupts the entire test.

The third wonder! Descent into Hell. As Queenie learned last time, getting down isn’t hard, it’s the coming back before dawn that’s tricky. Each of the girls lies on the floor and descends into their own private hell. Queenie is back in the fried chicken shack. She rolls her eyes and makes it back first. Madison follows closely – gasping for breath. “It was horrible,” she cried. “I was stuck on a network musical. It was a live version of the Sound of Music. I wasn’t even the lead! I was Lisle.” Zoe surfaces later, coming out a hell where Kyle didn’t love and kept breaking up with her and oh Jesus really, Zoe? I don’t even want to talk about that. Misty, however, is not shaping up so well – she’s stuck in high school biology dissection class. Misty keeps reanimating her dead frogs until her jerk Bio teacher makes her cut apart a live one. Over and over. Poor Misty is not getting the point, screaming each time she’s forced to kill the frog. It’s getting light out and she’s still not coming back to the land of the living. Cordelia wants to help, but there’s nothing anyone can do but Misty herself. Unfortunately, the time runs out and Misty’s body decays into ashes in Cordelia arms. Which I seriously have problems with, because Misty rocked. Ugh.

Misty, we hardly knew ye...

The fourth wonder! Transmutation. Which basically just means playing tag, but with lots of vanishing. The girls actually start to break into levity, beginning to have fun until Zoe transmutates herself onto the spikes on top of the gates and impales herself where no one can reach her. Bummer. Time for the fifth wonder! Bringing the dead back to life. Queenie attempts to revive Zoe but isn’t able to for some reason. “Guess who isn’t the Supreme,” Madison crows. Cordelia tells Madison that the only way to prove that she can be Supreme is to bring Zoe back to life, proving that she can perform that Wonder. Madison, however, isn’t too keen on bringing in another competitor, especially since Queenie has effectively been eliminated. Madison finds a third way, killing a fly and then bringing it back. Game, set, match. “I’m starting to think Fiona had the right idea,” Madison crows. “Crown me, or kiss my ass.”

That night, Cordelia confesses to Myrtle that she feels she’s failed for allowing the Coven to die out if Madison is the best they can produce. Myrtle, however, sees it differently – Cordelia herself could be the next Supreme. Her own lack of building on her power has been because Fiona has held her back all these years. Game on! Freaky Eyes Cordelia goes into action the next day, lighting fires from a distance, making Queenie dance, levitating a grand piano, and generally making Madison start to sweat. It’s not until she comes back from Hell and still manages to transmute herelf across the house that things get serious though.

On to the sixth wonder! Each of the three witches must magically devine the location of particular items that belonged to former Supremes in the house. Cordelia locates hers within moments. Madison, however, has a much more difficult time. She’s unable to ascertain the location of her item, suggesting several possibilities and never getting a single one right. She throws a temper tantrum. “I’m going back to Hollywood, where things are normal,” she screams.

Like getting paid to make out on camera with the frankenstein'd version of your real-life boyfriend.

As she angrily packs upstairs, a grief-stricken Kyle approaches her and grabs her neck, demanding to know why Madison let Zoe die. Madison cries that she loves Kyle and that she did it for them. Kyle does what he does best and strangles Madison, leaving her body on her bed. But because not even death can stop things from being creepy, Ghost Spauling is on hand to “help” by removing the body for Kyle.

In the greenhouse, Cordelia makes her move toward the final of the Seven Wonders, reanimating Zoe’s dead body. Now fully a Supreme, Cordelia finds her eyes magically restored and she herself now in the full bloom of “glowing, radiant health.” And what to do with her new-found Supremacy? Press conference! After the passage of some time, Cordelia makes the decision to announce the presence of witches to the world and is being interviewed by Cable News. She issues an open call to all potential witches, urging them to come out of the shadows and come study at Miss Robichaux’s.

As the applications begin to pour in, Cordelia tells Myrtle that she wants to restart the Council with Zoe and Queenie as members. Mrytle agrees, but is more concerned about moving forward on a new era, needing to “clear the rot of the past.” By which she means that it is only right that Myrtle, as the one who murdered the past Council, needs to die. “At the start of your glorious reign, the last thing you need is a Watergate,” she tells Cordelia. Cordelia thinks of Myrtle as her true mother and isn’t keen on this whole process, but it’s what has to be done.

Back to the Stake! Myrtle is back where she started, doused in gasoline and about to be put to death for the second time. At least this time it’s done in love? Or something? And she gets to chose her own dress and her own last word. (“BALENCIAGA!”) And with that, Cordelia lights Myrtle aflame and heads back to the Academy.

Before long, there’s a line of goth girls trying to get into the real live Hogwarts. Cordelia officially asks Zoe and Queenie to be her right hands and her Council. The three of them go downstairs to open the doors, but first Cordelia says there’s one more thing she needs to deal with.

In the living room, who should be there but a withered and decaying Fiona. Turns out that vision of her death was planted into the Axeman’s head by Fiona as a rouse to suss out the next Supreme. Obviously, it didn’t go exactly as planned. Either way, Cordelia figures out what happened and can tell that Fiona is in her final moments. Fiona explains that all her life she saw Cordelia as a reminder of her eventual death, though she “loved you plenty” in her own way. It’s actually a testament to how good both these actors are and how good they are at playing apart from each other that this entire scene is ridiculously intense when it’s just two women sitting in a nice living room talking. It’s hard to figure out when exactly Fiona is going to strike and she feels like someone who you just can’t trust asking for a hug. The tension is so well played that when Fiona begs for and end to her own pain from Cordelia, you legitimately don’t know what’s going to happen. Until Fiona, true to her word, slips quietly away, dying in Cordelia’s arms.

Goodnight, horrible princess. And a flight of demons, etc. etc.

And then, Fiona awakes in a simple bed in a country house somewhere, nice but far from the glamorous surroundings we’ve seen her in. The sun is shining and she’s healthy, but she’s confused. The Axeman comes in from fishing and Fiona is repulsed. “Why are you always like this?” He asks her. Every morning, she wakes up and she doesn’t know where she is. It’s been like this for “eternity”, according to the Axeman. As she begins to realize where she is, a place that “reeks of fish and cat piss and knotty pine”, the Axeman tells her he’s in Heaven with her and she’s not going anywhere. Somewhere in the shadows, Papa Legba catches Fiona’s eye and laughs.

And in the academy, the doors are opened and a vast new generation of witches streams in. All wearing black, naturally. “We’ve survived,” Cordelia tells the witches-in-training. “It’s our time to thrive.”

And there we are – the end of American Horror Story: Coven. What with the bevy of talented actresses, the luscious sets, the gorgeous atmosphere provided by filming in New Orleans, it seems like this season had all the makings of an amazing season of television. So why did it feel so...flat? Somehow it became an example of something where the parts were greater than the sum. To borrow a quote from a friend of mine, the season was like a Bloody Mary - a final product that just wasn't good, even though each of the pieces are enjoyable on their own. This season also suffered from a critical sin - it just wasn't scary. Lance Riddick's too-little-too-late turn as Papa Legba brought some welcome chills, but by the time we made it to him the show was too far gone into the overly drawn out plot line of the next Supreme for us to really ever get scared. Given that the first two seasons did such a good job delivering genuine "pillow of fear" moments, it was a serious letdown to lose those here.

I'm not calling American Horror Story's death nell just yet - even strong shows can have weak seasons and given that this show is an anthology, we can't expect every story to be as good as the others - but I will say that the writers need to take a serious look at what they need to accomplish in next season's story and learn how to ensure that spectacle doesn't completely drown out what makes the show interesting to watch. 

Recapping AHS: Something Witchy This Way Comes

We’re back, everyone! We’ve all suffered through/enjoyed a long year without turning on our television sets and watching Jessica Lange and Company do something that makes us say “dafuq?” out loud. What say we end that streak, shall we? Read on for the recap for the first episode of American Horror Story: Coven.

Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?

Picture it. New Orleans. 1834. None other than Madame Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) is introducing her three daughters to some eligible gentlemen at a society ball.  They’re all prizes, with the possible exception of the youngest. “Perhaps my talents are in the boudoir,” the youngest daughter snarks. Right out the gate, AHS.  Later that night, Madame is coating her face with blood and complaining that it isn’t fresh enough to reverse the signs of aging like she’s accustomed to when one of her servants breaks the news that the slutty daughter has been caught making Victorian-era whoopee with Bastien, a slave, though Bastien swears it was her who came on to him. Oh Bastien. This is the pre-war South. And did you read that Wikipedia entry about how LaLaurie treated her slaves? This isn’t going to go well for you, my friend.  Madame has Bastien brought to her attic, which is stuffed to the gills with slaves who have been tortured. It’s grotesque – some have broken and warped bodies, others have their skin peeled off their faces.

“You want to behave like a beast,” she tells Bastien, “We’re going to treat you like one.” She has the hollowed out head of a bull placed over Bastien’s head like a mask while she pontificates on how she always loved the story of the Minotaur.

Man, that reparations argument is just getting stronger and stronger.

To the modern day! We meet Zoe (Taissa Farmiga, who played Violet in season 1), a teenage girl with an eye toward love, or at least scoring with a boy that she’s brought back to her house to make sweet, tender, first-time love with since her parents don’t get home until 6pm. It’s going exactly as losing your virginity should, right up until the boy begins to bleed from his eyes. And then from everywhere else as he hemorrhages in front of her. Bummer.

Zoe’s mother explains to her that turns out she’s a witch and not to worry, grandmother was the same way, but it’s really time to get this looked after. And so Zoe is transported (by train, natch) from her home to Miss Robichaux’s, a school in New Orleans for young witches in the company of an OMGYOUGUYSSERIOUSLYAMAZING Mrytle Snow (Played in campy, crazy goodness by Frances Conroy) who talks with a Mid-Atlantic accent and says things like, “I’m simply MAD about Tartan” while admiring Zoe’s drapes. She’s also with two albino black men, because why not?

Oh yeah. I can work with this. 

Witchcraft, it turns out, is not always predictable. “It doesn’t show up in every family member,” Zoe voiceover’s. “Like my cousin, Amanda. She’s just bulimic.” It’s happened often enough though that the witches from old Salem Towne got out of dodge when things got rough and fled to New Orleans to train new witches in peace. Even in the 17^th century, everyone from up north went to Mardi Gras, apparently.

Zoe arrives at the sprawling completely creepy mansion that is Miss Robichaaux’s. As she enters, the albinos and the crazy campy woman vanish behind her. Doors open on their own, creeking, etc. etc, leading me to doubt this school’s accreditation. Zoe is suddenly ambushed by three figures in black robes and masks who throw her to the ground and bring down a knife to stab her before pulling back to reveal themselves as the three other students of the school. I guess this was, like, her hazing or something? Man, just have her drink a bunch of shots and then circle the parts of her thighs that are too fat like all other civilized co-eds.

Roll call! There’s Madison (Emma Roberts), the Hollywood movie star who is also a telekinetic. Next is Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), the human voodoo doll. Finally, there’s Nan (Jamie Brewer, who played Addie in season 1), a clairvoyant. The entire place is run by Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), who explains that the school started off innocently enough in the 18^th century, but was acquired by witches in the 19^th century to train young witches, usually with classes around 60 women, but now most of the witches have died out. Cordelia explains that most witches have one or two gifts, but in every generation there is a Supreme who has all of them. As an object lesson in safety and needing to keep hidden, Cordelia tells the girls about another girl who was killed just a month ago not far from the city, a girl named Misty Day (Lily Rabe, who’s played more drunk socialites and possessed nuns than anyone on this show) who had the power to return dead things to life. Sadly, Misty was also a member of a snake-handling Christian group, who saw her gif t as less Holy Revelation, more Work of the Devil and burned Misty alive. (Fear not - Lily Rabe is listed as a lead character this season. Betting she’s coming back.) The point is, from Cordelia’s perspective, keep your heads down if you want to survive, girls.

Still better looking than Dumbledore...

In Los Angeles, we meet Cordelia’s mother, Fiona (Jessica Fuckin’ Lange), who is meeting with a researcher conducting cutting edge work on drugs to reverse aging. Fiona is impressed with the researcher’s work and wants to know when she can get in on the drug that her late husband’s money entirely funded. The researcher isn’t too excited about jumping the queue into human trials. “What we do here is not magic,” he tells her. Heh.

Regardless, Fiona is apparently successful in her argument. Five days later, she is in her penthouse apartment getting high and dancing to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (‘Cause wouldn’t you!?!) and getting pissed that she has yet to revert to the body of an 18 year old. She summons the researcher to demand more drugs, but he has nothing to give her. “We’re organic matter,” he says. “We rot and we die.” Not in Fiona’s plans, apparently, as she causes all the windows and doors to fly closed and lock and moves in on the researcher, kissing him passionately. He struggles, but gives in as he slowly begins to wither in her arms. When she’s done, he’s a dehydrated corpse who has aged 50 years and Fiona is looking stunning, young and beautiful. For a few moments, at least. She reverts quickly back to her older body, disgusted with herself.

Dinner at Hogwarts. Madison is mocking the butler, who looks exactly like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror and apparently is missing a tongue. Seriously. Can’t wait for that backstory. The four girls alternately snark each other and ask what they’re in for. Madison is there because she “accidently” killed a director who gave her a bad note that she didn’t like. It’s not long before the girls start using their powers on each other before cooler heads prevail and two of them stalk off. Madison informs Zoe that they’re going to a frat party tonight.

Cordelia is apparently skilled at potions and tinctures and is relaxing by brewing up some new concoctions in her garden/lab when Fiona surprises her. Fiona is disappointed that Delia has never lived up to her full potential – Fiona is the Supreme and Delia could be so much more than a teacher. Fiona has come back to New Orleans because she heard about Misty and fear that “this is Salem all over again.” She wants Delia to teach the girls how to fight, not to cower, and she’s come back to do just that, even if that means mother and daughter having to live under the same roof again. It’s bad enough for any adult child to hear that from a parent, just imagine if that parent was the most powerful witch in the modern age? Goes a long way to explaining why Delia is single.

Time for the frat party. There’s a keg bus, natch, and inside Frat President Kyle (Evan Peters, also returning from seasons 1 and 2) is explaining to his brothers how much fun they can have at this party without getting their charter revoked after some unfortunate disciplinary action by their university. Have to say, so far this is the part of the episode I most believe is accurate. Anyway, the frat brothers descend just as Madison and Zoe do as well. Horny Frat Boy #1 has his eyes on Madison, but Frat Boy With A Heart of Gold Kyle is taken with Zoe. Ah, the sweet sting of young love, which is never felt clearer than when two eyes meet through the ice luge at a Sig Eps rager.

"So, my vagina kills. That's what the writers gave me this season. Get abducted by any aliens lately or shoot up any schools on your way here?"

Madison, meanwhile, is Mean Girl-ing it up. She spots Horny Frat Boy and demands that he get her a drink and be her slave for the night. He willingly agrees. Know what you shouldn’t really do? Ask a morally bankrupt frat boy to mind your drinks. It takes all of five minutes before Madison is roofied out the wazoo and the entire bus of frat brothers are gang raping her in one of the rooms upstairs. This is AHS, guys. You know rape was coming sooner or later. Never change, AHS. It’s only interrupted when Kyle discovers them after Zoe asks for his help finding Madison. The Frat Boys flee back to the bus, pursued by Kyle. The brothers knock Kyle out and begin to drive the keg bus away from the party just as Zoe tries to chase it down in vain. But you know what the one thing worse than a bunch of rapey frat boys are? When their victim is a witch who is also telekinetic. Madison causes the bus to flip into the air, crashing back down and exploding.

The next morning, the girls are having breakfast when Fiona breezes into the room bemoaning “college boys taken in the prime of their lives. But then, the world’s not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy shirts.” Fiona tells Madison that was fine work, but she was sloppy. She’s taking them all on field trip to start their new instruction.

Madeline: The Adult Version

She brings them through the French Quarter giving the girls history of the underground covens of New Orleans. “When witches don’t fight, we burn,” she advises them. They’re distracted, though, when Nan wanders off to the house of Madame LaLaurie, which still stands in New Orleans despite being once owned by Nicholas Cage (true story) and the haunted tour that’s going on inside. Fiona glamours the docent into letting them in for free and we all get a magical mystery tour of exposition.

Madame LaLaurie apparently tried to fight age and keep herself young and fresh by creating poultices from the pancreases of her slaves, ripped out of them while alive.  That is, until the day she was approached by Marie Laveau (played here by Angela Bassett), who offered her a love potion that would ensure her husband’s fidelity. Madame drank Laveau’s concoction, but as anyone could guess, it was a poison, not a love potion. Turns out that slave that was turned into the Minotaur? He was Marie’s lover and she extracted her revenge. To this day, Madame LaLarie’s body has never been found. It’s then that Fiona notices Nan staring suspiciously at the backyard. “What do you hear?” Fiona asks her. “The lady of the house,” Nan replies.

I personally can't wait for the scene when she learns about the Civil Rights Act.

Zoe meanwhile has taken a detour to the hospital to see which of the frat boys survived the crash and hoping that one of the two survivors is Kyle. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Yeah, life’s a bitch – it’s the guy who was leading all the raping. And so Zoe makes a choice – her vagina has the power to kill, after all. All it takes is a little hand job for the unconscious rapey frat boy followed by a quick mounting and it’s hemorrhages all around!

That night, Fiona has paid two workers to dig up the backyard of Madame LaLaurie’s house and they have found a suspiciously human-sized box in the ground. She glamours the workers into forgetting her and opens the wooden casket to find a still hale and healthy looking Madame LaLaurie, quivering and shaking and bound in chains. “Come on, Mary Todd Lincoln,” Fiona says as she frees her. “I’ll buy you a drink.”

So, right off the bat we’re away from the muted tones and repressive feeling of season two’s Asylum. This is all glamour and camp and a whole lotta lady power, maybe as an antidote to the amount of violence done to the female characters last season? As someone who personally doesn’t find witches all that frightening, I’ll have to see how scary this season gets. MaggieCats will also have to update us on any of her Pillow of Fear moments, but for right now all I’m stuck on is, “needs more Angela Bassett.”

MOAR ANGELA!!! MOAR!!!!

Like a Woman Scorned and Melted Into a Pile of Goo

Hey folks. It's your promised second recap of True Blood this week. Think we're all caught up now. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric and Nora escape the camp, however Nora's caught the Hep V. Eric begs for Bill's help, but turns out nothing can be done. Hail and farewell, Nora. Sarah Newlin proves the old "power corrupts" adage is true, although in her case she was always a little corrupt to begin with. She seizes control of the Gov's operations. Arlene gets wasted drunk to cope with Terry's death. Sookie returns to our dimension after her FaerieGlowSexathon with Ben. Jessica thanks the vampire who didn't rape her by having sex with him a lot. 

Recap: It’s another day in the VampCamp/True Blood poison factory and Eric, Nora (who’s been infected with Hep V) and Willa are desperate to get out of it.  Willa goes to grab Tara and Pam while Eric and Nora try to escape through the True Blood plant. The guards, however, are onto them and have sounded the alarm. Thankfully, one of those guards is Jason, still undercover and swearing up a storm. Eric and Nora hide under a shipping truck that’s leaving the facility and make a run for freedom.  Willa, disguised as a doctor, finds Pam and warns her not to drink any True Blood because of the contamination. Pam says they should only tell Tara and Jessica, arguing that if every vamp in the camp suddenly stops drinking the True Blood, the guards will know they’re onto them. Hey, she didn’t get to be over 100 by being nice, you know. Eric brings a rapidly worsening Nora to Bill and begs him to help. Nora refuses Bill’s blood, knowing that it’s actually Lilith’s, even if it means she dies.

Sarah Newlin is in her car listening to her favorite book on tape (“Elocution Classes for Spreading the Gospel, Chapter Three: Drop One Octave and Repeat.”) when she arrives at the Governor’s mansion to see all the guards gone and the front door open. She turns off the audio lesson (“When speaking, remember to be strong, but not assertive.”) and makes her way to the courtyard where Bill has thoughtfully left the Gov’s head resting near a marble statue. Sarah melodramatically breaks down in front of the carnage before deeming it “part of God’s plan” and swearing vengeance, kind of like a really bigoted overly-religious Batman.

“Vampers are a superstitious, cowardly lot.”

Later, Sarah has called a Senator to the Gov’ mansion to enlist his support against the vampire cause. The Senator would like to help, but remember how there’s this whole chain of succession thing in government and the Lt. Governor is now clearly going to take control. “I am not letting that RINO with his folksy bullshit come anywhere near this office,” Sarah assures him, cooking up a plan to hide the Gov’s death from the public and use the Senator’s people who are well-practiced at hiding the Senator’s “seedy lifestyle” from the public eye to help. (Flashback: the Senator, we remember, was carrying on a closeted sexual relationship with Lafayette back in season 1 and apparently the staff member who has accompanied him to this meeting has taken over the…ahem…duties.) They will say that the Gov was attacked by the vampires and is now governing from an undisclosed location, leaving Sarah and the Senator to govern in his place.

"I have old fashioned views about what two people should do after their love making due to the last time I did it was with a vampire demon lady about 6,000 years ago. Now when do we kill a wild boar?"

In MagicFaerieLand, naked Sookie! Naked Ben/Warlow! Naked nakedness being all naked in the naked afterglow. Ben in particular is looking forward to all the wedding stuff that is about to come. “You don’t think just because we had sex it means I’m going to marry you?” Sookie asks. She’s about to explain to him how modern, liberated women can have all the monster sex they like without needing to be carried over some kind of threshold when she suddenly is able to hear Arlene sobbing over Terry’s freshly dug grave. Sookie transports herself back, leaving Ben in the safety of the FaerieAfterglowSexLand. Arriving at the cemetery back in our world, Sookie comforts Arlene as Arlene tells her how Terry died.

Sam hears from Lafayette via a phone call about Terry before deciding to go back to Bon Temps despite the danger to himself from the Pack. He tells Nicole to keep running and stay safe, but he has to go back for Terry, right after he takes this conveniently sexy shower. Nicole, not one to be held back by a person she barely knows mourning his lost friend, joins him.

Back at the Bellefleur house, Arlene takes her anger out on Lafayette as he hands over the key to Terry’s safety deposit box. Andy helps to calm her down and goes with her to tell the kids. Sookie and Lafayette decide to open the safety deposit box and find an envelope with Arlene’s name on it containing a life insurance policy issued three days ago. They realize that Terry knew what was coming.

Inside the VampCamp, Jason has Jessica, who hasn’t realized he was undercover, brought to him in private.  He promises to get her out, but she fatalistically tells him that he can’t keep her safe all the time, although she would like to thank James, the other vampire who wouldn’t rape her, face to face, if Jason can bring him to her.

Alcide drops his father off back at his trailer. Pops tells Alcide about some property that just opened up next to his place that Alcide could take if he agreed not to go back to the Pack. Alcide says he has responsibilities, but his father tells him that neither of them are made for Pack life.

"Dad, I've betrayed all semblance of consistency so far this season. Do you really think I'm the right person to take out a property mortgage in this housing market?"

Nicole’s mother has arrived to pick her up at the hotel, which has to be awkward given that she’s found her daughter at a cheap motel with a strange man, but she seems to take it well. Makes you wonder how often she and Nicole have been in this position. Nicole tells Sam that she won’t tell anyone about him being a shifter and gives him her home number, asking him to call.

Jason brings James who, to his credit, is a little weirded out to Jessica. Jessica tells Jason she can’t thank him enough, but she needs some private time with the new guy. Alone, she tells James that when she arrived in the camp, she was convinced that she was a monster for killing Andy’s daughters, but his kindness helped her to see otherwise. Turns out for his good deeds, the doctors ripped out his fangs. Jessica tells James about the Hep V in the True Blood and tells him not to drink it when they offer. James waxes philosophical about much more he wishes he could do with his life, which is ironic considering the whole mortality thing. Moved by the spirit of Things We’ll Never Get to Do, Jessica confesses that she’s never had sex with a vampire, only humans. Convenient, huh? (In fairness, she tells him what’s so attractive about him is how, even as a vampire, his humanity has shone through, which isn’t something that she’s ever seen with the vampires she’s been with, which might be the first subtle thing True Blood has done so far this season.)

Don’t worry. The subtlety is followed by this. 

At Bill’s, Eric tries once again to get Bill to save Nora’s life, saying that he believes Bill has become divine and maybe possibly God. Bill tells Eric about his visions of the future he’s been having, including the one about the room where all the vampires die. Bill tells Eric they need Warlow’s blood, which is what’s letting Bill walk around in the daylight, if they’re going to save all the others. Eric promises to help, if Bill gives Nora his blood. Bill agrees, but Nora is unimproved. Eric concludes that Warlow’s blood may be Nora’s last chance.

Sookie and Lafayette bring the insurance policy to Arlene who is managing her misery the best way possible – with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a PBR in the other. “I’m better,” she tells Sookie, slurring all the way. “Before it was like someone was scalping my brain away one slice at a time and plucking out my heart with a crab fork. But now, thanks to this, it just feels like someone’s crushing my windpipe.” Now’s not the best time to go over the policy, clearly. Of course, the real victim here is Adilyn, who by her own thoughts, is having something of a weird day. Sookie, however, can hear her and communicates telepathically before Holly’s teenage sons arrive. Know what could make this day even more awkward than the drug waitress grieving over her dead husband while being comforted by a twice-possessed gay medium in the kitchen and a couple of half-faeries in the sitting room? That’s right, teenage crushes. Stay away from her, punks - she'll be menopausal before you can even get to first base. 

But don’t worry, it’s going to get worse as Bill arrives right in the daylight. “Oh holy fuck,” Sookie sums up the situation nicely. Bill is there to offer his condolences to Arlene since Terry was technically his great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever grand nephew. Arlene is not at her best right now and it takes her a few minutes to comprehend that Bill is afoot in daylight. Bill offers more condolences to Terry, saying that his firstborn also died back before the Civil War so he knows there’s no greater pain. “Except for losing three,” Andy appropriately snarks.  But we’ve established Bill isn’t really here for the niceties, he wants to know about Adilyn. The tension and melodrama is getting a bit much and Lafayette heads for the door, muttering “I’m glad I remembered to take my beta-blockers.”

Everything about this image is amazing. 

Bill asks to talk to Sookie directly, ex to ex. He asks Sookie to let him have Warlow so he can save his progeny, which btw includes Tara and Jessica, two friends of Sookie’s. Bill tells her about the VampCamp and says they need Warlow in order to save everyone.

Speaking of which, back at the camp Pam has re-entered her therapy sessions. The Shrink wants to know why she doesn’t want to eat. Pam, playing up his discomfort, tells him it’s because she’s horny instead, not unsubtly unbuttoning her jumpsuit and reminding him of her sexual appetitites. “I was a whore in my human life,” she tells him, using the literal use of the word whore. “It wasn’t a coincidence.” The Shrink admits being very…um…interested in her specific sexual knowledge as a vampire and the next three minutes are ridiculous levels of double entendre moving rapidly to just single entendre as Pam agrees to sex in exchange for something she wants.

"No, seriously. I got paid for it. Let's not go thinking this means something, yeah?"

Sarah finds Jason in the hallway. She tells him that the Governor is dead and so is his influence and has his arm cut open and thrown into the women’s common room, which just happens to be full of starving lady vampires. Normally an entire room of women drooling for Jason’s body would be kind of like his ultimate turn on, but understandably, this time it’s different. Tara puts herself between the women and Jason, but the real day is saved when the vampire who saved Tara and Jessica a few episodes calls them all off, telling them “Ladies, he’s mine.”

Alcide, meanwhile, comes back to the Pack and tells them that Sam and Nicole have been killed and Emma returned to her grandmother. Nice try, Alcide. Too bad the “were-bitches” were a step ahead of you and have already captured Nicole and her mother.

Eric prays to Godric, his and Nora’s dead sire, in an attempt to save Nora. In the process, he remembers London in 1665 when he was sent by the King of England to fetch down a paramour of his who, naturally, happened to be Nora. Nora was tending the plague dead of London when she contracted the disease herself. Eric, impressed by her courage even that close to the end of her life, brought her to Godric to be healed and “live fully and forever.” Nora urges Eric to let her go, saying that she has lived fully before literally melting into a pile of gore in Eric’s arms as Bill watches. 

DO NOT WANT!!!

Mad Men Threeway

Yay, so Fourth of July weekend. Since I am not stuck working 11-hour days for the present moment, AND SINCE IT WILL NOT STOP EFFING RAINING, I decided that I would be able to sit down and post our first ever TV Sluts Three Way, brought to you by Mad Men and Don's complete meltdown. Seriously. Someone send me a vacay.

 Remember when Don told a room full of Hershey execs that he was raised by prostitutes? Those were good times.

Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. 

I'm sure you've all been able to have some time to process your thoughts, so here are ours.
Maggie: Hurray!

Clovis: Hey, can everyone see me?

 Maggie: Yup

 Clovis: w00t Arsenic Pie, you there?

 Maggie: Arseeeeeniiiiiic.

 Arsenic Pie: I am here. I was finishing up with a student.

 Maggie: TV Slut threeway!

 Arsenic Pie: I told her I liked Lady Gaga. And she shrieked in my ear.

 Maggie: God, ESL students take FOREVER

 Arsenic Pie: Legit shrieked. She was super stoked.

 Maggie: I mean, what? Arsenic Pie: You have no idea

 Maggie: Haha.

 Clovis: Twelve lines in and we're already inappropriate.

 Maggie: There goes my food empire, I'm a racist.

Quiet, bird. I'll deal with you later. 

 Arsenic Pie: feel like we're off to a good start.

 Maggie: Hurray! So, Arsenic Pie, I dub thee in charge, since you are the Mad Men expert du jour.

 Arsenic Pie: YAY I'M THE QUEEN. Okay, so. OMG. Where to start?

 Maggie: TRUTHTELLING and CONSEQUENCES. That was what I got out of it.

 Arsenic Pie: Holy crap. I loved how the Hershey meeting turned into Don's therapy session. I mean, let's be real. Don needs a ton of therapy.

 Maggie: It was the anti-Kodak carousel speech, right?

 Arsenic Pie: But not in the chocolate meeting!

 Maggie: Is it wrong that through that whole meeting, I just wanted a Hershey bar? Hershey is my favorite. 

Arsenic Pie: I dislike Hershey. It is too sweet.

 Clovis: Funny, I wanted a prostitute. What can you do? 

Arsenic Pie: I like dark chocolate. I'm sure that could be arranged, Clovz.

Maggie: FOCUS, TV SLUTS.

Arsenic Pie: I wonder what Aimee is up to these days. Still deflowering 14-year-old boys. With her withered old hooker hands. ANYWAY.

 Maggie: Sigh

Clovis: Well, on that (and seriously)... I was impressed that I think this is the first time in the show Don has, like, told the truth about something.

Arsenic Pie: I feel as though Don has grown. Maggie: I know! That was exactly what I was thinking!

Clovis: I mean, it's one thing for Megan to know his past. But it's totally something else for everyone else. He has grown, but that growth is showing how far down he really is.

Maggie: Other than when he told a few people about the Dick Whitman thing, but this was like honesty about FEELINGS. And then, oops, he gets canned.

Arsenic Pie: You always root for him (at least I do) because he's this horrible cad who lies and cheats his way through everything, but he always somehow manages to come out of it relatively unscathed. But OMG he felt more human and less of a tool. I felt bad for him. That scene at the end with Sally made me want to cry.

Maggie: That was so cold when that dude with Duck was like, "Going down?" Burn! The girl who plays Sally is amazing.

Clovis: HAHA IKR?

Maggie: Remember when she said she didn't know anything about him? That look she gave him at the end, when he finally revealed something about himself...perfect.

Arsenic Pie: OMG I wanted to hit Duck. Where did they dig him up, anyway? I thought they fired Duck ages ago.

Clovis: See, I'm from the school of thought that I want to see Don fall, so I kind of got some glee from watching him get effectively shit-canned.

Arsenic Pie: Oh, that girl has MAD acting skils. I felt like Don was going to fall eventually, but I thought it would be more in a lung cancer way.

Maggie: Also with the sick burn: Bert Cooper.

Clovis: Or liver failure.

Arsenic Pie: Or a heart attack. Really.

Clovis: Which might be where they're going now that Don's got the DTs before a meeting

Arsenic Pie: As a side note, I did like how Ted revealed his dad was a drunk. Ted is like almost the anti-Don.

Maggie: Ted is exactly the anti-Don Clovis: I feel like Ted is what Bobby could be if he grows up okay.  I read an article where Matthew Weiner said that explictly. 

Arsenic Pie: They should whip a goatee on Ted. Did he really? I did not see that article. Clovis: That makes sense. He's Don's foil a lot of the time. Plus they both use Peggy, but at least Ted is more honest about it. 

Maggie: http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/06/24/mad-men-finale-matthew-weiner/

Arsenic Pie: Because Ted could totally leave his wife for Peggy, but he chooses to stay with his wife. The Total Draper Move in that situation is to leave the wife.

Maggie: Except for when he lies about leaving his wife to get in her pants. I was SO MAD at him. Because I adored Ted...up until then.

Arsenic Pie: Or the Total Roger Sterling Move. I thought for a second that maybe he meant it, but when he went back to his wife I was like nah. He's not gonna leave his wife for Peggy. And poor Peggy. Man. 

Maggie: Peggy needs to get with Stan and stop being with unavailable guys. Stan was so adorable in his suit, waiting for Don. A

Arsenic Pie: It's what Peggy does. I love me some Stan. I hated Abe.

Maggie: Agreed.

Clovis: I actually thought they were going to have Peggy pull a role reversal on Ted

Maggie: His hair was bloody stupid.

Arsenic Pie: Abe was awful to her. He was so hairy and annoying. 

Maggie: I would have stabbed him MONTHS ago.

Clovis: Like, have Peggy be all "Well, thanks for the sex. Now get it. Mamma wants to sleep."

Arsenic Pie: I loved that she used a BAYONET.

Maggie: Peggy is old school.

Arsenic Pie Like who does that? Peggy Olson. Who has a bayonet? No one.

Maggie: I am going to add that to my OK Cupid profile. "Once stabbed an ex with a bayonet, because it was handy."

Arsenic Pie DO EEET I was totally expecting Peggy to be all over Ted and not kick him out. She wants a guy so, so, so bad.

Maggie: Can we talk for a moment about her amazing pant suit?

Arsenic Pie Or she thinks she does.

Clovis: I loved her line about "Well, isn't it nice for you to have decisions."

Arsenic Pie OMG HER PANTSUIT Yeah, bc she feels like she has no choice.

Clovis: YES! I was saying to AP earlier that it was cool that she was the first woman to see on the show wearing pants to the office.

Arsenic Pie: She has to be a career woman, not because she's Ms. Feminist, but because she knows she can't get married.

Mr. Shaw, you're trying to seduce me. 

 Maggie: She will have ALL the decisions now. The pant suit never lies.

 Arsenic Pie: I hope she takes Don's office. And is like, "This shit is mine."

 Clovis: I hope Don has to ask her for it back in season seven and she says no.

 Arsenic Pie: Side note: Did Ted get the office that Lane offed himself in? I think he did.

Maggie: Haha. I have a feeling though that Duck might get the office...

Arsenic Pie: Duck owes Peggy.

Maggie: I mean, it is still 1968, I don't know if we'll see a female head of creative.

Arsenic Pie: For sleeping with him.

Maggie: Oh, ew. I kept thinking about that too. Duck and Peggy. Girl has made some bad decisions. 

Arsenic Pie: I think she should sell hard for that job. She really has. She really has. I feel Duck owes her. 

Clovis: Peggy will still be reporting to Ted, according to Joan. But still, Peggy has pretty well positioned herself. Arsenic Pie Why did they ask him back? They fired his ass. Methinks Ted isn't going to interact with Peggy much.

Maggie: Do you think they will split next season between NYC and LA?

Clovis: They didn't ask him back - he was bringing in the other candidate that Roger chatted up in the Detroit airport back a few episodes ago.

Arsenic Pie: And she will end up ostensibly in charge and then unofficially in charge and then in charge. Ooohhh. Okay, I missed that part. But he'll worm his way back into their good graces.

Clovis: Oh totally. Duck is kinda slimey.

Maggie: KINDA?

Arsenic Pie: Duck is way smarmy.

Clovis: Heh. Word.

Arsenic Pie: They should have a smarm off

Clovis: Between Duck and Pete?

Arsenic Pie: Between Duck and Bob Benson. BOB

 Maggie: Whoever leaves the slicked slime trail wins.

 Arsenic Pie: BENSON

 Maggie: I love Bob!

 Arsenic Pie: GIVE IT UP FOR BOB BENSON

 Clovis: BOB BENSON WINS EVERYTHING!!!

 Arsenic Pie: How much do you love him???

 Maggie: He won a frilly apron! And is Joan's Big Gay Best Friend!

 Clovis: Seriously, I loved Bob Benson for his showing up Pete

 Maggie: Hahahah, that was amazing. I feel like he could go crazy, ala Single White Female though.

 Arsenic Pie: He totally showed him up and he's TOTALLY going to figure out Roger is Kevvy's real daddy, if he hasn't already.

Clovis: The thing about that was that Pete has never had to fight for anything in his life - everything's been handed to him and he doesn't know what it means to actually push for something. Bob clearly has those skills and has been using them for his entire career. Bob is also like the new and improved Don Draper

 Maggie: Sidenote: does the agency have ANY kind of vetting process for job applicants??

 Arsenic Pie He's Don 2.0. I don't think so, no. I mean, they hired Don.

 Maggie: : My point, that is it.

 Arsenic Pie: And Peggy got promoted for helping with one or two campaigns.

 Clovis: Maybe they should spend less time banging secretaries and more with their HR department

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, but that would take all the fun out of it. I think they just hire people they like and don't look into their resumes.

Maggie: Clearly. I need to work there. I can be Joan 2.0.

Arsenic Pie I want Don's bar.

Clovis: I'll take Roger's. He seems to have a rum thing going on.

Maggie: Well, then that's agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I want to be Scarlett, Pete's beleaguered secretary.

Maggie: When TV Sluts opens their corporate headquarters, we all know our place.

Arsenic Pie I love Roger. He's just such a rake

Maggie: I love John Slattery, the Silver Fox.

 Arsenic Pie: Like an unabashed, unapologetic rake.

 Clovis: I love how he's becoming outdated and doesn't really let it bother him.

 Arsenic Pie: John Slattery ftw.

 Clovis: Like, Don's worried about losing his mojo. Roger just figures if the ladies don't get him, that's their loss because he's such a catch.

Maggie: He could not give two shits. He has worn that same three-pieced suit style for 30 years, thank you very much.

 Arsenic Pie: This is why we love Roger.

Maggie: That's how I feel about my dating life. (NOT).

Arsenic Pie: Roger is the Honey Badger of Mad Men. Roger don't give a shit.

Clovis: I keep saying that the point of this show is which characters are going to make it through the 60s and which will be tanked. Roger is clearly going to make it, only because he doesn't care.

Maggie: I live in constant fear that Roger will have another heart attack.

Arsenic Pie: I am afraid Ted will kill someone with his plane. Like his wife.

Clovis: Heh. How convenient for Peggy!

Maggie: Or himself?

Arsenic Pie: How much did you love Ken Cosgrove getting Dick Cheneyed? Or all three?

Maggie: Up until this episode, I full on loved Ted. Now not so much. Poor Ken.

Arsenic Pie. I know. Poor Ken.

Clovis: I just want Ken to go write his novel.

Maggie: Remember when he had to give up his writing? Arsenic Pie: I thought he was dead.

Clovis: You know it's what he wants to do.

Maggie: His science fiction novel!

Arsenic Pie: It totally is, but he got married and has to support a kid. Yes!

Maggie: The scene of him tap dancing might be the best thing to ever happen on Mad Men.

Arsenic Pie: Didn't he try to write an episode of Star Trek or am I imagining things? I loved the tap dancing scene.

Clovis: I want him to get it published and then rub it in Pete's face by asking for an endorsement quote for the dust jacket.

Arsenic Pie: He should get an Emmy for that. Oh poor Ken Cosgrove.

Maggie: So, question.

Arsenic Pie: ?

Maggie: Did you all think the season ended on a hopeful note for Don?

Arsenic Pie: I think so.

Maggie: With everything else in free fall, at least he seemed to be opening up to his kids.

Arsenic Pie: He's losing all of his material stuff, but I think he might be able to connect with his kids on some level.

Clovis: I think it ended with him (almost) at rock bottom, almost becoming Dick Whitman again. Whether or not he still has more to fall, I'm not sure.

Arsenic Pie: And his relationship with Betty has improved since the hate sex.

Maggie: But remember how we felt at the end of Season 1, the hopefulness of the Kodak carousel speech? And then that obviously didn't take.

Arsenic Pie: The thing we know about Don is that he can always bounce back.

Clovis: He can bounce back because he always has the trappings of what he believes makes him the impressive man. He's now losing those things.

Maggie: Excellent point. Do you think he could pull a Dick Whitman and now and just leave it all behind and reinvent himself?

Arsenic Pie Right, but I think he has the intellect and fortitude to rise above things, even if he isn't an important Manhattan ad exec. He's done it before. It took major cahones to pretend to be Don Draper in the first place.

Clovis: I think he could, but I don't know if he will. He values himself only in how others see him. He may not be able to pull himself back together without the encouragement of his own youth.

Maggie: I honestly don't know if he would be willing to abandon his kids.

Clovis: Well, Sally maybe. The other two? Who knows?

Maggie: He has had a couple kid revelations this season, like when he took Bobby to the movies.

Clovis: What are their names again? Billy... something.... ;)

Maggie: Sally, Bobby, and Gene.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like if he's more centered if he has people depending on him and he cares about them in a real way, not in an "I have to" way. Well we only care about Sally.

Maggie: Don's just going to return them to the SC&P Prop Department, let's be honest. *shakes head* 

Arsenic Pie: Sally's the only one worth keeping.

Maggie: I dunno, I kind of like Bobby.

Clovis: Literally, since the others have been played by multiple actors.

Maggie: He had some interesting things in the Planet of the Apes episode, he seems like a good kid.

Arsenic Pie: I like the new Bobby. I hope he sticks around. Although he looks like a Brady kid to me. He looks like Peter Brady and Opie had a love child.

Clovis: Somehow Sally has grown into a teenager and Bobby is still perennially 8 years old.

Maggie: I....never really paid attention to what he looked like to be honest. Do we think this is it for Don and Megan?

Arsenic Pie: I didn't even know they had a new Bobby until I looked it up. I hope so. I'm tired of Megan. I know what her purpose is on the show. But she is really boring.

Clovis: I was never a big Megan fan. I know she isn't going anywhere because Matthew Weiner is obsessed with her, but I do hope this is the end of the marriage.

Maggie: Huh, I always liked her. Mostly because she didn't put up with Don's shit....at least the stuff she knew about.

Arsenic Pie: I liked her on that level -- the not putting up with Don's shit level -- but I feel like she's the least interesting of the female characters. Yet she gets the most screen time.

Clovis: Agreed. 

Maggie: Also, she's Canadian.

Arsenic Pie: Yes, I caught that. Since they mention it.

Clovis: Did we really need a year of her quest to become an actress at the expense of Peggy and Joan? 

Arsenic Pie: All the time. I fucking love her mom, though. If for nothing else, Juliette Binoche as Marie is pretty classic.

Maggie: Some follow through with Joan would have been nice. I assume she got Avon, but really they needed more of THAT this season. More Joan, plz.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, WTF happened with Avon? They just dropped that plotline.

Clovis: OMG SPEAKING OF MOMS - How much did we love the Mother Overboard development? 

Arsenic Pie: Did she land the account or what? OMG PETE'S MOM OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!!

Maggie: Apparently, Matthew Weiner thinks it's obvious to the audience that she got the account.

Clovis: I seriously LOLd at that, you guys.

Maggie: That was ridiculous (Pete's Mom) Poor Pete, he is never going to be able to travel ANYWHERE by air or sea.

Arsenic Pie: That was some legit Downton Abbey realness. PEOPLE DO NOT FALL OFF BOATS. 

Clovis: RIGHT!!!!! Maggie: Actually.... It happened on a cruise ship I was on.

Arsenic Pie: Are you serious?

Maggie: Yep.

Arsenic Pie: Did they die?

Maggie: That's the assumption.

Arsenic Pie: Hahahahaha. Omg.

Maggie: If you are in the middle of the ocean and someone comes up missing...

Arsenic Pie: Holy crap.

Clovis: It still happens. proof:

Maggie: I don't think it's actually that uncommon.

Arsenic Pie: Maybe not uncommon, but rare.

Maggie: Especially on cruises with older people. Oops, there goes Grandma!

Clovis: You have to admit, though, it's totally something this show would do. It veers from ultra realism to total absurdity sometimes.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like Pete's mom is going to show up in Venezuela. With a cabana boy.

Maggie: What is the deal with her marrying Manolo??

Clovis: Who's name wasn't even Manolo!

Maggie: Do we think he married and then murdered her for her money??

Arsenic Pie: I just figured Manolo was after her money.

Maggie: I didn't really get what was going on there.

Arsenic Pie: Which Pete and Bud aren't going to let him have.

Clovis: Or because Manolo wanted to stay in the US. Arsenic Pie: If she even has any. Clovis: After all, Manolo knew that Pete was paying all Mother's bills.

Maggie: True. Arsenic Pie: He had to know Mother really didn't have money, or didn't have control of the money. Maybe he's a psychopath.

Maggie: But then why would he marry her? That whole thing was so weird.

Arsenic Pie: And as we know he is gay...

Maggie: Mad Men definitely became more soap operaish, probably because of Megan.

Clovis: Although I feel like that story's likely done. It would be American Horror Story level ridiculous to bring Mother back next season after spending the summer on Gilligan's Island or whatever.

Arsenic Pie: It's totes what happens on soaps.

Clovis: True.

Arsenic Pie: Why doesn't Megan just go to LA?

Clovis: I think she's going to.

Arsenic Pie: Like, she cold leave. No one's stopping her.

Maggie: I think so too. I do think they will have to split the show between LA and NYC.

Arsenic Pie: I was kind of pissed at her for telling Don his kids are screwed up. I mean they are screwed up.

Clovis: Don's pathetic "we'll be bi-coastal" excuse wasn't cutting it for her.

Arsenic Pie: No, she should just go.

Maggie: She instantly felt bad about saying that though. To be fair, they were in the middle of a fight.

Clovis: Yeah, but you know she's been holding that one in a while. She's been overly patient with the kids, Sally in particular, several times.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I can see how she might resent them. Like, Don's left her alone with the kids several times. Several times when she'd been expecting him to be there. And Megan's not really cut out to be a mom. And doesn't want to be, really.

Maggie: Yeah, I thought it was a totally understandable and realistic comment to make in that situation. And so was her response immediately after.

Clovis: Yeah, agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I still want her to leave. ;)

Clovis: I think Megan's generally a nice person. I just am kinda at a loss for what else to do with her story, you know?

Maggie: I guess we'll find out next year!

 Arsenic Pie: There's nothing you can do with her, really. She's nice and good.

 Maggie: Maybe she'll get hit by lightning.

 Arsenic Pie: And that's about it. Or STABBED

 Clovis: HAHAHAHA. By Pete's mother

 Maggie: Or kidnapped.

 Arsenic Pie: Back from Venezuela. AND OMG SHE MISTAKES MEGAN FOR TRUDY.

 Clovis: With Manolo's twin.

 Arsenic Pie: AND STABS HER.

 Maggie: I would watch that show.

 Arsenic Pie: I would watch the shit out of that.

 Clovis: Agreed a thousand times.

At this point, Maggie Cats had to leave the chat in order to work on her Syfy movie draft, which I can't yet  reveal all the secrets of, but I can say that it involves rabid snakes invading Lake Superior. Yes. Rabid. Snakes. You're welcome, America.

Clovis: I totally want to hear what you think of the whole season.

Arsenic Pie: Well, I think it was better than last season. And plenty of OMG and WTF moments to go around. I live for those. But I felt like there should have been more Joan and more Betty.

Clovis: Agreed.

Arsenic Pie: I liked that we saw a lot of Peggy.

Clovis: The women characters are so much more interesting than the men, I think.

Arsenic Pie: But honestly...less Megan.

Clovis: HAHAHA totally. I didn't like how last year became The Megan Show.

Arsenic Pie: Legit. I'm sure she's nice and all, but less Megan. It was The Megan Show. I don't hate her, I just think the other female characters on the show are more interesting. I did like how they focused on Sally. Because she kills it on that show.

Clovis: I feel like Matthew Weiner was tricked out over January Jones and so gave her all this screen time that she hadn't earned because she's not that great of an actress. Then when Jones got a boyfriend that wasn't Weiner, he found another actress to obsess over. Sally is totally the character that you just want to see what happens to her. Like, I really want to see a postscript with a 60-year-old Sally in the modern day and see what becomes of her life.

 Arsenic Pie: I feel like he's unnecessarily mean to Peggy. Sally will be divorced three times. With four kids. Three of whom hate her.

 Clovis: Exactly. I feel like sometimes Peggy really gets written as the Ball Buster or something.

 Arsenic: I feel like JJ is a better actress than Jessica Pare. The thing is, Peggy isn't even a feminist. She wants to get married and have kids. She just can't. Not a feminist in the traditional sense.

 Clovis: Yeah, I probably agree. And I don't think JJ is that great. Jessica Pare just doesn't have a lot of talent aside from looking pretty and playing one or two rote emotions. Yeah, true on Peggy.

 Arsenic Pie: I don't even think JP is that pretty, honestly. She's horsey. JJ is prettier.

 Clovis: It's true.

 Arsenic Pie: It is. Girl's got a horse face. Anyway, yeah. Peggy isn't the single-minded career woman who chooses work over family.

 Clovis: Seriously. She's getting by a lot on the fact that she speaks French and so has other skills to work with.

Arsenic Pie: She has no choice. If she wants goodies she has to earn them. I get annoyed when she speaks French. It's like they think we forget she's French so they have to remind us.

Clovis: Exactly. Plus, she's willing to do whatever for a man. She was all "Oh, you want to live in a hovel but give me babies, Abe? Okay!"

Arsenic Pie: But Juliette Binoche is hysterical. She is. She will bend over backwards for a guy, unless it's Pete.

Clovis: Haha. Pete.

 Arsenic Pie: Hahahaha. Pete.

Clovis: You screwed the pooch on that one, buddy. 

Arsenic Pie: Eventually, I will feel sorry for Pete. That day has not arrived.

Clovis: God I hate watching Pete and his tantrums. I mean, I like how he's written because it's good that the audience is allowed to dislike him and he is given depths. But dude.

Arsenic Pie: I felt so bad for his mom. He was so mean to her. I don't even dislike Pete. I think he's hilarious.

Clovis: Can I also say that I just really want Bob Benson to totally smack Pete down?

Arsenic Pie: Oh, totally. Bob Benson is my new hero. That actor reminds me of Jason Sudeikis so I have a hard time taking Bob Benson seriously.

Clovis: Vincent Kartheiser does a really wonderful job of showing how false Pete is when he's trying to be smarmy. He also plays Pete as someone who totally idolized Don Draper without understanding that he's looking in the wrong direction of history. Ironically, Bob is the character that is most like Don, but is doing Don Draper better than Don Draper does right now.

Arsenic Pie: They should make a Bob Benson action figure.

 Clovis: I would buy that action figure. Especially if it came with the self-help records.

Arsenic Pie: And the headphones. Someone put us in charge of AMC merch.

 Clovis: Right?!?!

 Arsenic Pie: I love how Bob is another Don Draper, and it disgusts Pete so much to meet people like Don and Bob. Because as you say, Pete has had everything handed to him. And Don and Bob may lie, but they work for what they have.

 Clovis: And Pete sees them as being not worthy because they aren't the right kind of person.

 Arsenic Pie: Yes, and also because he's puritanical and sees himself as the moral center. Whereas everyone else is morally bankrupt.

 Clovis: Despite being equally as bankrupt as everyone else.

 Arsenic Pie: Or more so.

 Clovis: "Know thyself" is not advice he ever thought worth taking, clearly.

 Arsenic Pie: Pete justifies everything in his head, and when things go wrong for him, then he thinks other people are out to get him. Like, he would not take the time to get adequate care for his mother, so he hires Manolo. Then blames Bob for things going haywire.

 Clovis: That's totally his MO - take the easy way out that will get him the most benefit for the least work and then never accept responsibility. That particular track was brought out most i thought when he was one of the biggest advocates of prostituting Joan out so that they could get a wealthy client.

 Arsenic Pie: Oh, he was all for that. And Don was against it. Don is the only guy in that office who has never hit on Joan. He either doesn't sexualize her or he respects her, or both. Well maybe with the exception of Bert Cooper, but I doubt his engines fire anymore.

Clovis: Exactly. The one time he sorta kinda did (when he took her out to drive around in the jaguar) even then it wasn't really something he was aiming for. And Joan, to her credit, refers to Don as "irresistible", but can resist him perfectly fine herself because she knows what it would be like to be with him.

Arsenic Pie: It's so weird how he's never disrespected her, when practically every man disrespects Joan. 

Clovis: I wonder if that's because, despite his own treatment of women, he knows what it's like to be around women who have to work for afford their lives.

Arsenic Pie: I feel like he respects Joan, and he doesn't respect women in general. But he doesn't respect Peggy.

 Clovis: I mean, Joan's no prostitute, even that one client aside, but there are similarities. Yeah, true. But he kinda does - he values her a lot. He just doesn't know how to show it. His need to manipulate her always wins out.

 Arsenic Pie: He treats Peggy the way he treats his male colleagues. And Peggy takes it personally.

Clovis: My favorite scene in the entire series so far is the one last season where she tells him she's leaving and for the first time, he actually shows affection to her, partially as a tactic, but also because he knows that he's lost her and he'll never get her back, really.

 Arsenic Pie: I guess I should say he doesn't treat Peggy with the same respect he shows Joan. He won't. Don was her mentor and he didn't give her what she felt she was entitled to. Now I think she's just going to take it. Instead of waiting for a man to give it to her.

Clovis: I hope so. I mean, It's easy to make Peggy the stand-in for feminism when, as you say, she isn't, really. But she's one of the characters that I really like, so I really want her to come out on top of this. 

Arsenic Pie: She's way not a stand-in for feminism. I was really hoping things would work out with Ted. Then I realized what a tool he is.

 Clovis: What about that massive turn around?

 Arsenic Pie: She's the Edith.

 Clovis: It only took him, what, half a day after sleeping with Peggy to be all like "shit, I've got to go to California. Haha, she so is.

 Arsenic Pie: Ikr. First he was like, "I don't love my wife. I love you." Then he figured he had to stay with her. Out of what? Pity? Inertia? I feel like Peggy can't catch a break.

 Clovis: Little of column A, little of column B?

Arsenic Pie: Maybe.

 Clovis: I also found it interesting that this is the first time we've seen Peggy really play up her sex appeal. Arsenic Pie: HAHA I LOVED THAT

 Clovis:  Peggy NEVER toys around with sex, probably because of what happened with Pete.

Arsenic Pie: When she walked into that office full of dudes. 

Clovis: But she did this time and did it FULL FORCE

 Arsenic Pie: AND SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE A PLAYBOY BUNNY. No, she is all business, all the time. I thought that was awesome. She owned that shit. And you know it is prolly the first time people like Cutler took any notice of her.

 Clovis: Yeah, exactly. Also, fucking Harry Crane. That guy can't resist throwing in a stupid, sexist statement, can he?

 Arsenic Pie: No, he really cannot

 Clovis: He refers to every woman as a "sex kitten" if they do anything more than be dumpy. 

Arsenic Pie: I like how we've never seen his wife. Like ever.

 Clovis: That said, I actually kind of like Harry. I just think he's a putz.

 Arsenic Pie: Harry's an idiot, but a lovable one.

 Clovis: I know, right? We've seen the secretaries he's slept with, but never his family.

 Arsenic Pie: Supposedly, he has a wife. I don't think we've seen Ken's wife, either. We've met Trudy.

 Clovis: And you just know that he was angling to become partner so he could run the LA office. Now I guess he's out of that running.

 Arsenic Pie: We've met Trudy a bunch. Nah, there are too many sharks in that office for Harry to be in charge of anything. He doesn't have the balls.

Clovis: I love Trudy, BTW. But then, it's Allison Brie, who everyone loves.

 Arsenic Pie: Who doesn't love Allison Brie? No one. That's who.

 Clovis: Only a fucking monster, that's who.

FUCK YOU, SARAH MACLACHLAN.

 Arsenic Pie: HER LAST NAME IS CHEESE. A DELICIOUS CHEESE. I also love Trudy. I loved it when she kicked Pete out.

 Clovis: I KNOW RIGHT!!!

Arsenic Pie: SHE WAS SO PISSED.

 Clovis: I know we haven't seen everything from her perspective, but she's also the only one who's kicked out the husband and not given a fuck about it. She's been all like "screw you guys, I'm going home" over this and content to raise her kid on her own.

 Arsenic Pie: And she was one of the most conservative and traditional women on the show. At least, that's how she was presented. She did her little early 60's housewife thing. She even told Pete when she kicked him out that she'd expected that he'd cheat on her.

 Clovis: She's barreling into the 1970's full steam ahead.

 Arsenic Pie: She is Trudy. Hear her RAWR. It's going to be all Garp, all the time at that house now.

Clovis: For realz.

Arsenic Pie: Fo shiznit.

At this point, both Clovis and I had to leave the chat in order to don our parkas and grab our harpoons en route to Siberia to save some wayward nerpas, who were in an advanced state of distress.

EHERMAGEHRD. THA CUHTE!