Doctor Who Season 9: Love It or Leave It

It’s been a while since your TV Sluts have talked much about The Doctor. Having finally finished the latest season of the very long running show, I naturally have thoughts about it. The most recurrent thoughts being, “WTF?”

Season 9 is an odd one. For the most part, it felt to me like slog just to get through. I was, in fact, ready to write off the entire season until the last three episodes came out of nowhere and got unexpectedly amazing. At its worst, the season was trying to be too clever for its own good. At its best, season 9 delivered some cool twists, sent some characters flying, and delivered what is legitimately one of the best episodes of Doctor Who ever made.

Given the dual nature of the season, I’m here to help you figure out which episodes you need to watch and which ones you delete off your DVR queue.  Generally, everything I say will be spoiler-free up until the final three episodes, which are as spoiler-y as can be. As a note, I’m including the most recent Christmas episode, even though it’s technically a part of season 10 because the BBC is just weird. Onward!

Wibbley wobbly coat-y woat-y

Episodes 1 & 2: The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar

Summary: The Doctor discovers that he is inadvertently responsible for making one of his own arch-enemies, Davros, the creator of the Daleks. For two episodes, The Doctor and Davros speechify at each other about their respective lives and deeds. In an almost unrelated story, Clara teams up with Missy to get the Doctor and… do something. It’s never totally clear.

Should you watch it? Only the scenes with Missy and Clara. Missy is one of the better new creations to the Doctor Who universe and the action between the two of them is fast-paced, funny, and exciting. The Doctor’s scenes drown themselves entirely in the show’s own mythology and need to be clever.

Episodes 3 & 4: Under the Lake/Before the Flood

Summary: The Doctor and Clara come to an underwater base and discover an alien space ship and a whole bunch of dead people who keep coming back as ghosts. The episode gets incredibly timey-wimey as The Doctor must go back in his own timeline to just before the two of them arrive in order to save the day.

Should you watch it? In a word, no. At best, this should have been a single episode. Stretching it into two is painful. Hardcore fans, who will watch anyway, will appreciate a few Easter Eggs dropped into the dialogue, but for the rest of it it’s just a waste.

Arya Stark is really progressing this season.

 Episodes 5 & 6: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived

Summary: The Doctor and Clara attempt to save a pre-historic Viking village from aliens masquerading as gods. In doing so, they rely on a precocious girl in the village named Ashildr, played by Maisie Williams (Arya Stark from Game of Thrones). In the process, Ashildr is granted immortality. In the second half, The Doctor discovers Ashildr thousands of years later in 1600s London, now completely changed by her immortality and not necessarily for the better.

Should you watch it? Oh my, yes. The first episode is really just a set up for the second, but for completeness of story and for recognizing how awesome Masie Williams is in this part, it’s well worth it. “The Woman Who Lived” was the first episode this season that I actually loved. It felt like the best kind of Doctor Who episodes of the past.

Episodes 7 & 8: The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion

Summary: Remember the Zygons from the 50^th Anniversary episode and their “pretend to be human and infiltrate Earth” plan? They’re back and up to their old mischief. The entire episode is largely an excuse to bring back the character Osgood, who died in last season’s finale. It also tries to make a statement about human nature, though largely falls flat.

Should you watch it? No. While the episodes bring back some fan favorite characters, that’s not enough to give up two hours of your time.

Episode 9: Sleep No More

Summary: The lone standalone episode of the season, The Doctor and Clara find themselves on a space station with a mysterious enemy slowly hunting down and killing the crew. The show usually tries to do a space-themed horror episode once person season; this is it.

Should you watch it? Skip this one. The horror never really materializes and it mostly feels like a filler episode. Though at least it’s only a one-parter.

As I said at the top, the last three episodes of the season are all 100% worth watching. They are, in fact, wonderful and are the ones that reminded me that Doctor Who isn’t out of ideas and fanciful storytelling just yet. Watch all of these!

WARNING: SPOILERS IN THE NEXT THREE EPISODES!

Scarfs are cool.

Episode 10: Face The Raven

Summary: Clara attempts to save a friend who has been sentenced to death for a supernatural murder that he doesn’t remember committing. In the process, she and The Doctor are reunited with modern-day Ashildr (Maisie Williams again) who has calmed since her last meeting with The Doctor in the 1600s and is now a protector of people who have been affected by him. To that end, Ashildr has set up the entire bogus murder in an attempt to trap The Doctor in an effort to keep him from harming anyone else. Clara’s self-confidence and attempts to out-clever everyone backfire and she is killed in front of The Doctor as he is teleported somewhere else…

Oof. This episode. I can't you guys... All the feels...

Episode 11: Heaven Sent

Summary: The Doctor arrives in his prison, a large castle somewhere unknown completely surrounded by an ocean of water and haunted by the memory of not being able to save Clara. The only other thing in the castle is a silent, shrouded figure that constantly pursues The Doctor, attempting to kill him.  Finally deducing a way out, The Doctor is caught by the figure, who kills him at the very same time he re-appears exactly where he began. The Doctor eventually deduces that he is caught in a cycle whereby he searches for an exit and is killed that has been going on for over 7,000 years and the only way to break free is to continually try to beat it, a process that lasts for over 4 billion more years. In the end, the Doctor is freed and finds himself standing on Gallifrey.

Episode 12: Hell Bent

Summary: The Doctor declares war on Gallifrey’s High Council and extracts Clara from her own time-stream moments before her own death in an attempt to save her. When this doesn’t work, The Doctor takes the TARDIS to the very end of the universe to see the only other person who will be there: Ashildr, who tells him that he and Clara cannot be together because they are too catastrophic. The Doctor attempts to erase Clara’s memories of him but the process backfires and he instead forgets most of his memories of her. At peace with her death but assured that it will happen, Clara and Ashildr use a TARDIS of their own to return Clara to the moment of her death, but not before deciding that they could perhaps “go the long way around” and vanish off into space and time.

SPOILERS ARE DONE! BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING!

Goodbye, Sweetie?

Christmas Episode: The Husbands of River Song

Summary: Your favorite (or not) Moffat-era character returns as The Doctor encounters River Song near the end of her life, just prior to going to The Library. River is unaware of the 12^th Doctor and thus doesn’t recognize him but uses him to help her pawn a very valuable diamond that she’s married a dictator for with the plan of swindling him out of it. A madcap adventure ensues, ending with The Doctor and River’s final night together before she is destined to go to her death in “Silence in the Library”.

Should you watch it? Your mileage may vary, depending on how much you like River. As a fan of her character, it gave me all the closure I have wanted for her story. If you prefer to think of The Doctor without his wife (it happened; deal with it), you can likely skip it.

So where does that leave us? Far too many of the episodes fell victim to Doctor Who writing at its worst, which is to say needless complexity and cleverness for the sake of being clever without any of the actual sense of adventure or wonder. Showrunner Steven Moffat in particular suffers from this from time to time, though he’s not the only one. This cleverness for cleverness’s sake is evident in the mandate that rather than have a season-long story arc, every two episodes would be paired together for two-part story with a neatly hook-y title denoting how they relate to each other. And while I appreciate that approach as one that doesn’t make me wait for a big payoff that inevitably won’t be as earth-shattering as it is promised, it also means that a story that doesn’t grab you is doubly-long and hard to sit through. Unfortunately, that was the case for a lot of the stories here.

What serves as a trip-up for this season likely comes down to the basics. I like the 12^th Doctor. I like Clara Oswald. I like Peter Capaldi. I like Jenna Coleman. I like all these things. What I apparently don’t like is what happens when they all come together. Clara and The Doctor have never totally clicked, despite strong performances from two (actually three) likeable actors. This is incredibly disappointing for me given how incredibly strong Clara’s introduction was, way back in Season 7’s “The Asylum of the Daleks”. I could write an entire post about Clara and what made her work relative to what made her different, but for now I’ll just say that she became problematic, though her character was delivered some kind of justice by giving her an ending that is absolutely worthy of what her character should have been all along.

Emo sigh.

All that said, I absolutely loved the poetry and genuine emotion and fun that last three episodes and the Christmas episode manage. “Heaven Bent” in particular is notable for storytelling that hits every note it needs to and does so while packing an emotional wallop. It’s worth noting that entire episode only contains two speaking parts, The Doctor and one other character who gets one or two lines at the very end. Likewise, “Hell Bent” gives us a peek at an alternate reality Doctor Who with Ashildr and Clara going off in their own TARDIS that is stuck looking like a 1950s American diner and that’s a TV show I would watch the hell out of. The excitement evident in those final episodes save the season from being a complete misfire.

So, get to watching the good stuff. Ignore the boring bits. And join the rest of us in waiting to see just who exactly will be the next companion now that Clara has exited the show. I’m still waiting on them to bring back Donna, though. 

Or, you know, two chicks with their own TARDIS would be cool too...

Recapping AHS: To Hell and Back

So after 10 long episodes (and some of them felt longer than others) we finally get to learn about The Seven Wonders via an old-timey silent movie style classroom infomercial. AHS is nothing if not stylized. For those keeping count at home, the Seven Wonders are defined as seven act of significantly advanced magic. They include telekinesis, consilium (mind control), transmutation, divination, vitum vitalis (bringing the dead back to life through breath) descensum (“a perilous descent into the nether worlds of afterlife), and pyrokinesis. Attempting them can kill you, but successfully performing all of them will make you the next Supreme.

Cordelia and her freaky fucking eye sockets comes to Madison to see what Madison knows about Misty’s disappearing act. Madison is cagey as hell, refusing to let Cordelia touch her and possibly see what she’s done, but eventually relents only to find that Cordelia apparently still hasn’t regained her sight. Kinda makes that eye thing a problem.

GAH! Sunglasses, woman!

Meanwhile, Queenie finds a bloody mess in the conservatory and hears Marie’s murderous thoughts, but can’t find a body. Queenie decides to practice some early Seven Wonders training and invokes Papa Legba, but finds herself back in the fried chicken joint she left back in Detroit. There’s a line literally around the block and no one else working. Confused, she begins to help the eerily quiet customers before seeing Papa Legba in the corner who tells her that she’s been brought to her own private hell – no power, no respect, stuck in a place where no one thinks she can do anything. Papa is impressed that she made it to Hell, however, praising her ability. He tells her that if she can’t get out of Hell by morning, she’ll be stuck there forever. Pulling herself out, Queenie finds Papa in her room who tells her what’s happened to Marie – Delphine dismembered her and spread her body parts all around. Queenie still needs Papas help. Thinking quickly, Queenie points out that Marie is now going to be in breach of her contract, which removes her from the equation of what’s about to come. That means that Delphine needs to be removed too…

Weirdest employee review ever.

At Delphine’s old house-turned-tourist attraction, the original docent has been replaced by someone much more…Delphine-looking. Delphine has taken up the revisionist history banner, telling her version of her “the elegant and universally admired Delphine LaLaurie” to the tourists while posing as a tour guide in the house. When pressed about the murders and the attic torture chamber, she coldly tells the tourists that attic is off the tour and anyway it was all lies and the attic was only for “firm, but humane” correctional behavior. She praises herself as “a visionary ahead of her time” thus securing her a future contract with Fox News.

When the tourists leave, Queenie confronts Delphine who admits to murdering the old docent after she critized her tactics and, worse, her entertaining. “Nobody’s going to waste their time on some uppity Negro when there’s a fabulous party,” she mutters when the docent tells the group that oftentimes the murders happened while revelries were going on downstairs. Priorities. Queenie tries to give Delphine one last attempt at redeption, hilariously by suggesting that she volunteer with the Urban League. Delphine, however, has been watching the news about Paula Dean and Anthony Weiner(seriously) and thinks this redemption shit is bunk. Seeing that it’s not going to work, Queenie plunges a dagger into Delphine’s chest.

Part of me really hopes Kathy Bates just did this in real life to screw with people. 

In the school, Fiona is finally getting her portrait done under Myrtle’s artistic eye and realizing her mortality is closing in. She attempts a final honest connection with Cordelia, telling her that her power is still inside of her and she can’t lose it or regain it. She also gives her an old necklace that was her mother’s. When Cordelia puts on the necklace she suddenly sees the house, the girls all laying slaughtered and mutilated on the floors and impaled on the walls. In her vision, Cordelia sees a hale and healthy Fiona pull the necklace off Cordelia’s own dead body and leave the house.

Cordelia hightails it to the Axeman’s apartment. Cordelia tells the Axeman that she also saw Fiona with a plane ticket in her purse, fleeing the country with her new health and leaving him behind. The flight leaves in two days and, given that he doesn’t exactly have a passport, clearly she’s not planning on him joining her.

Knocking things off the To-Do list, Cordelia then divines from Misty’s shalls that she is entombed in the cemetery. Cordelia brings Queenie to the crypt and has her pull the coffin from the grave. Misty’s body is still inside, but she isn’t breathing. At Cordelia’s urging, Queenie breathes life back into Misty, bringing her back from the dead.

At the school, Zoe and Kyle have returned: apparently Florida didn’t agree with them when Kyle angrily killed a homeless man and Zoe had to bring him back to life. Par for the course for that relationship, really, but Zoe is now convinced that she may be the next Supreme. Just then, Misty returns and begins to literally bitch-slap Madison across the house. What follows is a seriously awesome girl fight through the house that was one of the only real exciting moments this entire season. The awesome gets even better when the Axeman interrupts the fight to kill the girls and the girls collectively throw him across the room LIKE A BOSS. He’s covered n blood, which Cordelia divines is Fiona’s.

In a flashback we see Fiona coming to the Axeman after Cordelia left him. Axeman tells Fiona that he wants to take her out of town to go catfishing – he has a vision of them living together forever in a cabin by the river. Fiona laughs it off and tries to change the subject, but the jig she is up. Axeman finds the plane ticket in her purse, just like Cordelia said, and confronts her angrily. Fiona points out that with the next Supreme dead she has 30 more years of vitality – it’s not like she’s going to waste it in a rustic cabin by a river with him. And that’s when the Axeman lived up to his name, buring his axe into Fiona’s back over and over again before throwing her body into the swamp

Cordelia sees the entire scene. She tells the girls that Fiona really is gone, her body was thrown into the swamps and fed to the alligators. “Even I can’t bring back someone once they’re gator shit,” Misty demurs. The girls(and Kyle) are pleased that he’s gotten rid of Fiona for them, but they’re not about to let the Axeman go free either.  They descend on him, cutting him literally to pieces together in what almost passes for sisterhood.

Girlpower!

Somewhere else, Delphine is thrown being thrown into the cages in her own house, although she is dressed in 1830s clothes. Delphine screams as a fully unharmed Marie Laveau stands waiting with a white hot poker while standing over Delphine’s daughter, also imprisoned in a cage. When the daughter complains of being thirsty, Marie cuts Delphine’s throat and gives her the blood to drink. Marie is confused, though – she doesn’t want to torture Marie’s daughter and doesn’t know why she’s doing it or even how she got there. “You will do as you are commanded,” Papa Legba suddenly appears. Turns out, Hell is a funny place and Marie and Delphine are both condemned to spend theirs together. “Eventually,” Papa says. “Everybody pays. Everybody suffers.”

In the school, Fiona’s portrait is hung with care as Myrtle and Cordelia tell the girls that Fiona shirked her responsibility to name a successor. Which means each of the girls will be tested – they’re all going to have to compete in the Seven Wonders. 

And may the best witch win.

Costumed Aggression

Welcome back, my minions. In all seriousness, I am still recovering from the shock I received watching last Sunday's episode, and I actually think I am going to skip recapping that one, to be perfectly honest with you guys. 

If you are picking up where we left off of the season premiere (at around the 50 minute mark, give or take), Granny has just given Lady Mary a good talking to about being a SURVIVAH. 

In Ripon, Lady Cora and Lady Rose are meeting with Edna about the lady's maid position. Edna makes up a story about caring for a nonexistent aunt so she won't have to go interview at Downton. HELLO YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB THERE, DEARY. THIS MEANS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO THERE SOMETIMES. Anyway, she's apparently trying to avoid Mrs. Hughes. Her scheme is to get hired before Mrs. Hughes tells Lady Cora that Edna is weird and creepy. She admits to having worked at Downton as a parlour maid, and hands her the ref from Mrs. Hughes. She tells Cora that the reason she left service at Downton was so she could train as a lady's maid. Cora and Rose buy her story and give her the job.

In bumbling Molesley news, Molesley accompanies Lady V to tea at Lady Shackleton's, and he blabs to Lady Shackleton's butler that Lady Shackleton might give him (Molesley) the butler's job. The butler says, "Umm. No," and sets about sabotaging Molesley's interview for Lady Shackleton, who proceeds to insult him and his butlering skills. Lady Violet shamfacedly takes Molesley away.

Continuing in news of the poorz, Grigg has arrived at Isobel's. Isobel immediately sets to work rehabbing him. 

I've mostly worked with prostitutes, but I suppose I could apply my skills to a down-on-his-luck actor.

Okay, enough of the working class. Back to the rich people! Edith arrives at The Criterion in London to meet with Gregson. She runs in and looks for Him. Is He there waiting for her? He is. He has News. He can divorce wifey in Germany if he becomes a German citizen. Edith asks him if he'd really do that for her, and he replies that he'd become AN ESKIMO for her. An. Eskimo. 

Because in Inuit culture, when your wife goes insane, you can just pop her onto an ice floe.

Oh, Michael! You say the sweetest things. !!! Smoochie-smoochie.

Cora tells Mrs. Hughes that she's hired Edna Braithwaite to be her new lady's maid. For. Real. Mrs. Hughes is like YOU DID WHAT. Cora chastises Mrs. Hughes for trying to hold the poor young girl back, and Mrs. Hughes decides against telling Cora the real reason she fired Edna, which I kinda don't understand. I feel like Mrs. Hughes is their trusted housekeeper, and if she told Cora that she fired Edna because she was trying to tear off Branson's pants like the day after Sybil died, Cora would listen to her, don't you think? What sayest thou? Mrs. Hughes and Carson meet with Branson and tell him that Cora's hired Edna, so look out, brother. Branson volunteers to tell Cora about what went down with Edna, and why he asked Mrs. Hughes to write her a good reference, but Carson stops him, because he doesn't want Cora to think Sybil's husband was "unworthy." No. Seriously. No. This is legit pissing me off. Why can't Carson and Mrs. Hughes go to Cora and tell her the truth about Edna? I guess that would mean we'd be down a subplot, and we all know JF prefers quantity of subplots over quality. But this legit makes no sense to me whatsoever. 

We mustn't under any circumstances let Lady Grantham know she's hired yet another crazy person.

.
Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore calls Alfred into the kitchen to tell Daisy to her face that he sent a Valentine to Ivy and not to her. I feel like this was not a good move on Mrs. Patmore's part. I get she was trying to make Daisy feel better about being so undesirable to the opposite sex and all, but sending her that Valentine only resulted in Daisy feeling humiliated. Then she involved Alfred by forcing him to tell Daisy that he wasn't into her. I don't think Mrs. Patmore was trying to be mean, but the whole thing backfired. Mrs. Patmore defo owes her a Cuisinart. I'm sorry, Daisy. Here's a pie. 

Eat your feelings. 

This week on ¡Dios Mio!, Lady Cora is walking outside the nursery and she overhears Evil Nanny West calling Lil Sybbie a "wicked little crossbreed" and a "chauffeur's daughter." For. Real. Cora walks in and is like dafuq are you saying to my grandchildren, and Evil Nanny West realizes that this is not a good look for her. She tries to explain to Cora how she was just "having a game" and explainin' to wee little Sybbie that she was an abomination in the sight of me Luurrrrd. 

I was just explainin' to the wee bairn that she's the spawn of an unnatural union. :)

Cora's like aww hell no and she fires her on the spot. Nanny West blabbers some more, but Cora summons Mrs. Hughes and tells her to put Nanny West in a different room for the night and kick her out in the morning. Well, since people who get fired from Downton always find a way to worm their way back onto the show, let's wait in anticipation for the eventual return of Evil Nanny West.

Won't it be fun to watch this place burn?

Cora later personally thanks Thomas and tells Robert that they owe him a debt of gratitude. Robert's angry that they've gotten rid of another nanny, because they're going through them faster than Captain Von Trapp.

I'm here for your children.

Down in the drawing room before dinner, Robert is with Widow Mary. The subject turns to Edith and Gregson, and she admits that Edith hasn't done too shabby with Gregson. Robert asks if he should be worried if it's serious, and if Mary knows much about Gregson. Mary says she doesn't, and remembers that Gregson talked to Matthew and then... then she abruptly stops talking because she either got all sad remembering Matthew, OR she remembers the thing. The one thing. Matthew told her that Gregson is already married, and she abruptly SHUTS UP. Good call, Mary. So is Mary going to use that as leverage to get back at Edith? Let's hope so. Robert changes the subject to shop, and Robert reiterates that he's right not to trouble Mary's feeble little female brain with talk of manly subjects like money and property and inheritance. Robert tells Mary to go to bed, and she agrees.

Mary exits the drawing room and is heading upstairs, but then she realizes she should probably go apologize to Carson, and she ends up bawling in his arms. *Tissues*

I wish you were my real dad. :( 

Down in the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore's trying to learn how to use the electric mixer, because Daisy knows how to use it, and that puts Daisy ahead of Mrs. Patmore. Mrs. Patmore has made a huge mess with whatever pancake batter she was trying to mix up. PRO-TIP: USE A SPOON. Mrs. Hughes volunteers to help clean up the mess, which is apparently going to take two people all night to clean up. It doesn't look like that big of a mess to me. Dear 1922: Get a Swiffer Wet Jet. 

At the trustees' luncheon, there's a lot of harumphing and then Mary surprises everyone by showing up AND wearing something other than black. Branson is stoked and gives up his seat to her (STOP SHIPPING THEM. NOW.), but Robert isn't thrilled. Ofs. 

Home stretch now, m'loves.

Anna warns the new batshit cray maid that she might want to steer clear of Thomas, and I'm not sure why we have to start up all of that Thomas vs. Anna and Bates business again because I thought it had been settled last season when Bates helped Thomas keep his job, but since we don't ever want to be in want of a plot, I guess the intrigue must go on.

Mary receives a Mysterious Box from Matthew's office that just HAPPENED to be sitting around that no one noticed until JUST NOW. Instead of giving the box to whom it has been addressed (Lady Stinkin Mary), Carson and Hughes decide to give it to Robert. Palm, meet Face. Robert opens it up, and finds a A Letter that Matthew wrote just before he died, detailing his wishes should something happen to him. Legit. He wrote the letter LITERALLY before he died. Robert is like, "Hmm. Should I show this to Mary?" OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. He takes it to Lady Violet and asks her opinion and she tells him to show it to Mary, and Robert still is like, "Hmmm. No. I'm not sure."  No, I really think I'm right in this, Mamma. No, you're not, Robert. There is something you are and it starts with "Wrong." Robert finally decides to show it to Mary and Mary reads it and says, "Whhhaaaaa?" Then there's some filler until we find out what the letter says.

We find out the letter WHICH MATTHEW WROTE BEFORE HE DROVE BACK TO YORKSHIRE AND DIED, says that, should anything happen to him, he wants Mary to be his sole heir. OF COURSE IT SAYS THAT AND OF COURSE HE DID. But is the letter a valid legal document? Let's take it to Murray. Survey says: of course it's valid. Do you know what this means? It means homegirl finally gets to inherit some good shit. 

Clarkson visits Grigg and Isobel (SQUEE) and tells Isobel that Grigg is much better now, thanks to her. Isobel finds Grigg a position at a theater Belfast and so he's going to Ireland. Mrs. Hughes encourages Carson to make up with Grigg before Grigg goes off to Belfast PERHAPS FOREVER BECAUSE THERE ARE NO BOATS.

But wait! There's more! In Rose is our Lady Sybil replacement news, Rose decides that she wants to go to slumming it at a dance in York at some sort of working class watering hole, but she can't ask Lady Cora or Lady Mary for permission, so she asks Anna to take her. Anna is reluctant but she agrees to take Rose anyway. It is the Roaring 20s, after all, and one must roar if one is to be accepted in society. Rose goes and poses as a parlour maid at Downton Abbey.

It's fun pretending to be poor! 

Rose thinks the dance will be ever so much fun and JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN TITANIC WHEN KATE WINSLET GOES BELOW DECKS TO DANCE WITH LEO DICAPRIO, so she agrees to dance with a working-class bloke, Sam. Then they run into Jimmy, who is hanging out there by himself, apparently. But the fun ends there. Rose catches the eye of another working-class bloke and he asks to dance with Rose and she refuses. 

You're doing it wrong. That is not how you twerk.

Then there's a bar fight and the police arrive and Rose, Anna, Jimmy have to scurry out of there and run home so they don't end up in the pokey. So, at a fancy dinner that evening, Sam decides to show up at the kitchen of Downton Abbey and ask for, "the parlour maid, Rose" and Thomas answers the door and he is like, "Um....Whaaaaaaat?" Anna dresses Rose up in a maid outfit, because apparently telling Sammy the truth would be too much for the lad. Sam asks to call on Rose, but she lies and tells him she's promised to marry a farmer. Then they kiss and Sam leaves. Hahaha. Meeeee, Rose Flintcher, marry a farmer. OH IT IS TOO DROLL. 

No way will this ever come back to bite me in the ass. 

Branson and Lady Violet convince Mary to learn more about running the estate, and Branson takes Mary on a tour of the estate. Mary brings it up at dinner that evening, and that's when Robert decides to humiliate her by pointing out the obvious holes in her landed gentry knowledge. 

So, as I stated above, I will not be recapping this past week's episode of DA. It's not to do with anything wrong with the episode per se. It is just that, considering the disturbing events of that episode, I don't feel comfortable writing a recap that entails my personal opinions about rape or the inclusion of sexual assault in the show's story arc. For the sake of varying viewpoints, there is plenty being said here and here and here and across the internet as a whole.

So, please excuse the lack of an AP recap for this past week's episode. Feel free to discuss in the comment section. Instead of a recap, here's a red panda.

Recapping AHS: Never Trust Someone Calling Himself "Axeman"

Hi all! Sorry to be behind on the recaps. Here's the first of three new ones coming from me this week (I hope). 

Right, kids – story time. Seems that in New Orleans, back in 1919, there was once the Axeman, a serial killer who entered people’s houses and slaughtered them with an axe before writing taunting letters to the police about he would never be caught. We begin tonight with said Axeman drafting a letter to the police stating that the next Tuesday night, he will kill someone in town, though anyone playing a live jazz band at midnight will be spared. At Miss Robicheaux’s, the quaint young witches of the Edwardian age are all a-flummox over what to do with this information. Should they play a Victrola? Should they critique his grammar when he insists that the citizens “jazz it”? (“His prose could use refinement,” one witch states disapprovingly.) Nay! They shall take action! “Ladies, we are powerful,” one student reminds her fellows. “Not only are decedents of Salem, but we are Suffragettes! No man can make us cower in our home.”

"This is almost as scandalous as when they tried to make the French Bob happen here."

That Tuesday, Joe, the Axeman himself, closes up his restaurant and heads out onto the street to the sound of Jazz music coming from every home. Every home, of course, but Witch House, which has opted for Puccini. Target sighted, Axeman Joe enters the school, ascends the stairs and finds the Suffragette witch sitting in a dark room, reading tarot cards on the floor. She reveals the Death card just as the Axeman brings his axe into her back, but suddenly she is standing behind him instead. “That reading was for you,” she tells him as she and the other witches fall onto the Axeman, attacking him with knives and Jazz-Age Girl Power.

In the modern day, Zoe is going through Madison’s things when she discovers a cubby hole in Madison’s closet. Inside is a box full of old photographs and a Ouija board. Bringing the items to Nan and Queenie, Zoe points out how much the student body has diminished in 100 years, from several dozen students now to just the three of them. The three decide to find out where Madison is, all Band-of-Brothers-style, using the Ouija Board to contact Madison or anyone else they can find. Queenie isn’t keen on the idea, pointing out how Ouija boards bring forth angry spirits if they’re not careful. Good thing there’s no evil spirit in this house, right! HAHA kidding they totally make contact with the Axeman’s spirit after only, like, three seconds. And boy does he seem pissed…

"Couldn't we just ask him who we're going to marry or how many kids we're going to have to sacrifice to the devil someday or something?"

Fiona meanwhile is undergoing chemotherapy when she suddenly develops the ability to read minds, something she’s never been able to do. Listening to the fearful thoughts of the patients next to her, she tries to leave but is stopped by her doctor. Fiona admits that the only reason she’s even going through with treatment is because Delia needs her now. As more chemo is put into her, she laments how she wishes she could have “one more great love affair” before she goes.

At the school, Zoe is Googling “New Orleans Axeman” and discovering the sick world of fan sites and blogs and the weirdoes who write them. (ZING!) She wants to ask him about Madison, but Queenie is strongly against it, pointing out that spirits will say and do anything to get released from where they’re trapped. Zoe, however, won’t be stopped and goes back to communicate with the Axeman herself. She promises him release if he’ll help her find Madison. At this point I feel compelled to mention that we have yet to see any of these girls actually attending a class, which I feel is germane given the utterly stupid thing that Zoe is doing here. I’m skeptical of Miss Robichaux’s accreditation by the Louisiana Department of Education is what I’m saying.  Whatever, Axeman fesses up and directs Zoe to the attic where she finds Spaulding’s creepy doll room. And Madison’s badly decomposing body stuffed in a trunk. And Spaulding standing behind her, natch.

It doesn’t last long, though. Nan and Queenie arrive quickly enough and subdue Spaulding before tying him up to begin the interrogation. Nan translates Spaulding’s thoughts as Zoe questions him and Queenie burns herself with a hot spatula, transferring the pain to Spaulding. Still protecting Fiona, Spaulding lies to Nan, telling them that he killed Madison specifically to have sex with her dead body. Spaulding kind of has the girls in a bind – what are they going to do? Report him and bring about ruin to the coven? Zoe also isn’t convinced that he’s telling the truth. “He grew up in a house full of witches,” she reminds Nan when Nan insists that she read his mind correctly. “I bet he picked up a few tricks.”

Also, dolls. Lots of dolls.

Downstairs, Delia has arrived home with Hank in tow helping her to her room. Delia’s upset because of the roses in her room, which pull in love, and demands chrysanthemums, which are used for strength and protection. Every time Hank tries to touch her, Delia sees flashes of what he did to the redheaded woman. The same thing happens when Fiona touches her as Delia sees what she did to Myrtle Snow. Fiona doesn’t apologize, though, saying that she did it for what Myrtle did to Delia. Fiona says Delia’s sudden gift of The Sight “is the greatest gift to have and the hardest one to live with.”

In the swamp, Misty tends her dead person garden, slowly growing Myrtle back to life under a mound of mud, when Kyle returns, still non-verbal as ever. She tries to bring him inside her cabin to give him a bath, but Kyle’s having PTSD issues with older women touching his naked body thanks to his mom. He gets violent, trashing her cabin and breaking her tape player, which is to say her only access to Stevie Nicks music. And that, my friends, is a Bridge Too Far for Misty who sends Kyle away just as Zoe arrives, telling Misty she needs her help.

Zoe brings Misty to Delia’s greenhouse and shows her Madison’s corpse. “She’s already rotting,” Misty tells her. “Plus she’s missing an arm.” Armlessness be damned, Zoe is insistent. Misty tries, but she needs Zoe’s help, telling her to push on Madison’s stomach. CorpseMadison begins to vomit blood, roaches and other horrible things before springing back to life. “I need a cigarette,” Madison says finally.

"I'm gonna need some extra time in the makeup trailer on my next picture…"

At the Hair Salon, who should approach Marie Laveau but Hank himself. He’s angry at Marie for ordering the acid attack on Delia, but Marie claims ignorance. “Do I look like the Taliban to you?,” She asks him. “If I wanted to blind your little wifey, I wouldn’t have to leave my room.” Turns out Hank has been playing the long con with Marie – she hired him six years ago as a professional witch-hunter to infiltrate the house and take it down, along with all the Salem decedents, which Hank swears he’s been doing.

Flashback! Remember the redhead that Hank slept with and murdered? Turns out her name was Kaylee and she was, wait for it, a witch! She even was recruited by Delia to attend the school after being charged with being an arsonist after she magically set her last boyfriend on fire when he wouldn’t marry her. Delia wants her to learn to develop her gifts, but Kaylee says she just wants to find a husband. “I think I have a good shot,” she tells Delia. “I work out. And I play fantasy football.”

"Should I also work on desperation? Men like desperation, right?"

And that’s how Hank got that particularly connection. Kaylee was one of five Salem decedents that he killed for Marie, but Marie accuses him of falling in love with Delia and ruining Marie’s plans. “When I plant a fat-ass cracka in the ground I expect her to stay there,” Marie thunders, referring to Delphine (I hope), “Not come back up like some kind of ragweed.” Marie gives Hank a new mission – “you bring me their heads, all of them, then you burn that place to the ground.”

In the School, Zoe now has two living dead bodies to care for and Misty wants nothing to do with either of them. “I thought you were looking for your tribe,” Zoe says when Misty turns down the offer to stay. “I am,” Misty admits, “But this ain’t it. There’s something foul in this house.”

Could that foul thing be, maybe, the Axeman? But of course! Delia is stumbling blind in her room when she suddenly “sees” the Axeman sitting near her bed.  He didn’t really like witches before, what with the murder and all that, but now he’s really pissed that Zoe promised to release him and then went back on her word. Delia refuses to release him and begins to scream, which brings the girls running. The girls can’t get in, so Zoe goes hunting for a spell in the library of books that they have, magically finding one. The girls begin to chant and upstairs the Axeman vanishes only to emerge from the school and walk out into the night.

At a bar, Fiona has gotten used to rejection from the younger men and it’s about to get worse and she notices that her hair is beginning to fall out from the chemo. Suddenly a man sits next to her. “Well hello, Pretty Lady,” the Axeman smiles at her.

Recapping AHS: Burn The Witch!

Yes, there’s a lot of zombie stuff we need to get into, but before we do that, let’s take a quick detour back to Halloween, 1833, shall we? Madame Lalaurie is hosting her All Hallows Eve gala and has decided to do the whole peeled grapes in the bowl as eyeballs thing. Only, this is Madame Lalaurie and her endless supply of actual body parts, so she’s kind of done it in reverse. All this grossing out the eligible bachelors has got Madame’s daughters bummed out – they’re never going to land a good man with mother making the men stick their hands into tureens of slave entrails, after all. Borquita, the eldest daughter, in particular is getting sick of mom’s shit and suggests to her sisters that maybe they should end mother’s life a little early. Of course, Madame’s no fool and has all three of her daughters taken from their beds that night and locked into the same torture cages as the slaves in the attic, promising to leave them there for “no more than a year” if they’re good. Borquita, in particular, has earned a “special present.” Delphine promises to stuff her mouth full of shit on Christmas day. All of which is to say that we can understand a why the three daughters, now properly zombified by Marie Laveau’s spell in the modern day, are leading the zombie horde that’s invading Miss Robicheaux’s in the hopes of maybe having a few words with Delphine. Payback, she is a bitch.

Which one is the ugly one again?

Speaking of bad mother/daughter relationships, Fiona has barely managed to get Cordelia to a hospital following her attack. The acid has burned through Cordelia optic nerve, effectively making her blind. Fiona isn’t taking it well, between the emotions and the pills she’s popping and the alcohol from earlier.

At the house, Nan figures out that the zombies are, actually, zombies since she can’t hear their thoughts. Zoe takes command, turning off the lights and telling the girls to bar the windows. Cute boy Luke figures it all for a prank, however and goes outside to confront the zombies, believing them to be kids playing pranks. When he goes outside, the zombies… do nothing. We’ve seen shambling zombies and running rage zombies, but these are apparently the boring variety. At least they are until a levitating Marie Laveau suddenly issues a command and the zombies spring to life and begin to devour passersby. At which point Luke finally loses his shit, but not before being attacked. Nan’s having none of it and runs outside to help. Zoe, meanwhile, orders everyone upstairs before heading out to find Nan and Luke, who have managed to get into a car that’s being swarmed.

"Fear not, powerful ladies. I, a man, am here."

Fiona wanders around an increasingly creepy hospital, searching for…I don’t know, absolution? Distraction? More drugs? More drugs. She finds the physicians’ store and, using magic to get in, helps herself to a few new designer cocktails before heading back into the hallway, just in time to see the robed figure that attacked Cordelia wandering through the hallway in the distance.  Before she can catch up with it, though, she’s distracted by a woman screaming in a room by herself. The woman has just delivered a stillborn baby and because this is the most criminally understaffed hospital in all of New Orleans, the staff has just left the baby’s corpse next to the traumatized women and left them both in the room. Fiona picks up the infant’s corpse and forces it into the mother’s arms, demanding that she hold her new daughter and tell her how much she loves her. Fiona is trying to exorcise her own demons and in the process has just instilled about twenty new ones into this poor young woman. The young mother, terrified, complies with Fiona’s insisting that she tell the baby how beautiful she is, how she’ll never leave her, etc. It’s ridiculously creepy right up until the point when Fiona places her hand on the child’s blue corpse and the dead baby suddenly comes life. Yay?

Inside the school, Delphine is getting ice for Queenie, who’s still suffering from that Minotaur goring/sexing, when she spies one of the zombies through the window of the kitchen. Who should it be but none other than ZombieBorquita! Delphine instantly opens the door to her, proving that being alive for 250 years still doesn’t proclude acting like an idiot. Not that Delphine’s ever made good life decisions, but there we are. Delphine begs Borquita to “come back to me”, asking her to remember in some part of her that Delphine is her mother. Thing is, Borquita does remember that, which is not great news for Delphine or her throat as the zombie lunges.

Upstairs, Queenie and Spaulding hide in a room while Borquita advances toward them. Queenie attemps to use her powers to harm Boquita, but while being a human voodoo doll is probably great against humans, it does crap all against something that’s already dead. Things are looking dire, right up until Delphine herself shows up behind Borquita and shoves a poker through the zombie’s heart, bringing her down finally. “She had a monster for a mother,” Delphine sobs. “This last act was the only kindness I ever did for her.”

Back in that car, things are looking worse for Nan and Luke until Zoe distracts the zombies by literally banging a pot and pan together and getting them to run after her. They chase her into a storage shed, proving that even witches turn into classic Final Girl clichés when they’re in horror movies. Nan and Luke take advantage of the distraction and try to run, but Luke’s bleeding out and the zombies are approaching. And then bring on ZOE, the MOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE SLAYER with her motherfucking CHAINSAW! (Also, well done to Spaulding for keeping a well-stocked lawn shed, apparently.) Zoe mows down the zombies wicked hardcare, right up until the last one when the chainsaw stops working. Zoe is backed into a corner, but suddenly gets cool and calm, uttering words in a foreigh language and shutting down the zombie. At the same time, a levitating Marie Laveau plummets to the floor. “Shit,” she says, picking herself up. “I don’t know what that was, but they got some real power at that witch house now…”

In the hospital, Hank has come to Cordelia’s side, giving Fiona a chance to trash him. He tries to argue that he’s the moral one here which, you know, heh. Fiona tells him he has fifteen minutes with her alone and then he needs to be done. “You can go on your own or my way,” She tells him. “I don’t care which, although I prefer the latter.” Hank goes to touch Cordelia’s hand and instantly Cordelia screams awake – and sees everything that Hank did to the redheaded girl last episode.

"Well, shit."

The next morning, it’s time for clean-up, which always sucks on November 1^st, but really sucks now because it involves burning dead bodies. “Maybe we should get some more cedar chips to cover the stench?” Zoe suggests to Nan as they throw more body parts onto a fire in the backyard. Fiona thanks Zoe for what she did to keep the Coven safe and just then, the Council arrives. Again. Time for more Witch Court!

Myrtle Snow should really know by now that Witch Court against Fiona is never going to go the way she wants it to.  Yes, Madison is still missing. Cordelia is assaulted. The Council insists that since everything’s happened since Fiona has come back to New Orleans, Fiona needs to abandon her position as Supreme and give authority of the Coven to the Council. Fiona, however, claims that Myrtle is up to more than she let’s on. “Our enemy hides in plain sight,” she insists and names that enemy as Myrtle herself, accusing her of being the person in the robe who attacked Cordelia and reveals that Myrtle was even in town before Madison went missing, hiding out in a cheap hotel and plotting to overthrow Fiona, even maintaining a serial killer wall of pictures of Fiona, which Fiona has helpfully gotten pictures of on her cell phone. As the final proof, Fiona yanks off Myrtle’s glove to reveal that her hand is burned and disfigured by the same acid that was used to attack Cordelia. “You give us no choice,” the Council members say when confronted with the evidence. “Burn the witch.”

Myrtle resigns herself, saying she’s been swimming against the tide all her life and she will go proudly to the fire. The thing is, this is all very literal. The next day, Myrtle is marched out to a quarry with a pitch that’s already been set up. The Council, Fiona, the students and the albino black men cart Myrtle up to the pitch and douse her with kerosene. (Sidebar, I kind of love that this is so matter-of-fact. Like, this is such a normal part of witch life that there’s just a pitch already made up for these occasions.) Myrtle uses her last words to decry everyone as being like toads in a pot that Fiona is slowly bringing to a boil. “I’d rather burn that boil,” Myrtle declares just before Fiona lights her up with her cigarette LIKE A BOSS.

"Come on, Baby, light my fire…"

Later, the truth (such as it is) comes out. Queenie comes to Fiona and tells her that she’s not sure they did the right thing. Turns out, those burns on Myrtle’s hands? They were made by Queenie burning her own hands in the acid and putting the wounds on Myrtle. Queenie is doubting her actions, but Fiona sweet talks her, complimenting her on her strength and her bright future. “You could arise to heights you dare not imagine,” Fiona tells her. “Maybe that’s what this Coven needs – a Supreme of color.”

Upstairs, meanwhile, Spaulding is covering his attic of dolls with disinfectant and deodorant, covering the stench of Madison’s rapidly decaying body. When he tries to her move her from the chest he’s got her stored in, he accidently rips off one of her arms. Comedy!

Back at the burning pitch, meanwhile, who should stumble onto the charred remains of Myrtle snow but Misty Day, out from the swamp on her…I don’t know, constitutional? Or something? Earth child Misty bends down, places her hands on Myrtle’s charred corpse and Myrtle opens her eyes.

I'M THE BRIDE, BITCH

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS!!!!

YOU.

GUYS. 

LAURA EFFING TYLER WON FACE/OFF LAST NIGHT. LEGIT. SHE WON. 

About friggin' time. 

Last week, to much feathers, fanfare, and aplomb  (well, maybe not so much with the fanfare but there were feathers and aplomb aplenty), Tate, Laura, and Roy became the last three Face/Off Season 5 contestants. They went on to compete in the finale for a grand prize of cash, cars, make-up, and an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet. Because birds.

It was a little nail-biting toward the beginning of last week's episode, because I wasn't sure if the three people I wanted to be in the finale would get there. Things came together in the end for our intrepid make-up designers. As expected, Miranda couldn't take the pressure and didn't time manage effectively, and so she was eliminated. 

The challenge last week was to create a human/bird hybrid. 

Tate won that challenge, and Roy narrowly edged out Miranda for a spot in the finale. As you may recall, during Roy's season, he lost a spot in the finale due to Nicole, who ultimately won. I think most people could admit that Nicole has some skillz, but did she really deserve to be in that finale, and did she really deserve to win? I don't think so, and I think most fans are in agreement with me on this. 

So, onward to the finale. 

For the final challenge, THE FOWL THEME CONTINUES. There will be more feathers! I say MOAR FEATHERS, son. I say, I say. MOAR FEATHUZ. 

I was very into this finale, because not only was I pulling for Laura throughout and this was right up her alley, but I really liked the challenge itself. The finalists were tasked to create a swan and an evil sorcerer look that would be applied to ACTUAL BALLET DANCERS from the Los Angeles City Ballet. These make-ups had to stand up to a specially choreographed performance of Swan Lake. 

Bad things will happen to you if Laura doesn't win. Very bad, very bad things.

Onward to the challenge! 

The first day, the finalists wake up and are treated to a Skype call with their loved ones. Roy talks to his wife; Tate talks to his parents, who look like the most adorable pair of aging hippies ever; and Laura, wearing what I can only assume is a leather vest that she picked up off Tate's floor that morning (SHIPPING!!!),  talks to her mom and husband. D'awww! Seriously. That vest with the chains on it. Yeah, that way belongs to Tate.

I may need hugs.

At the workshop, Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore informs the neophytes of their final challenge. Then, they're allowed to pick teams comprised of the last six eliminated contestants. They are instructed to choose one vet and one newbie. Laura goes immediately for Miranda (duh). Miranda can't take the heat, but she's a damn good sculptor. Her newbie is Eddie. On Team Tate, it's Alana and Lima. On Team Roy, it's Frank and Scott.  It's kinda too bad that Laney walked out, because she does have talent and she might have made a difference in Roy or Tate's looks.

The swan and sorcerer have to take on the theme of a certain time period.  Their choices are: Industrial Revolution, The Roaring 20s, the Italian Renaissance, and the Ming Dynasty. Laura takes Renaissance, Tate takes Industrial Revolution and Roy takes Ming Dynasty. I don't know why they all avoided the Roaring 20s theme like the plague because they could totally have done an Art Deco thing, unless they were afraid the only thing they could think of for that would be a Tom Buchanan sorcerer casting a spell on a helpless Daisy swan. Or maybe they'd make an F. Scott Fitzgerald swan with the sorcerer being a giant bottle of gin. Oh, the possibilities. They are endless.

I'll buy her from you, old sport.

Roy, I felt, was the underdog in this challenge. He struggles to come up with a concept on Day 1. He comes up with a sorcerer who looks not unlike Confucius, but comes up with a mechanical/automaton swan. This is really a huge step out of Roy's comfort zone, and the two other dudebros on his team aren't much help. The clock's a-tickin' and they start sculpting, even with a kind of weak concept. Team Laura gets a head start with a solid concept by Laura. On Team Tate, the concept is still a little vague, and he has some issues with Lima and her feather effect sculpt. Papa Westmore stops by to hand out some fatherly advice, and it's onto Day 2.

Day 2 starts bright and early, and Roy decides to change his concept.because he feels like his mechanical swan is too much like Tate's steam punk swan. Tate's changed his concept a little bit and sets aside Lima's work from the day before. Laura and Miranda, meanwhile, are booking right along with her sculpts, and Laura sends Eddie to the mold room to start casting. Things go wrong for Roy on the swan's cowl. He sent Scott to mold it, and Roy can't get it out of the mold. So, Scott will have to remold and recast the cowl on Day 3. 

On Day 3, Laura molds her cowls, and Roy starts fabricating.his armor. His armor is really cool, but there's really no way a dancer can move in that. On Team Tate, Alana is trying to open the mold for the cowl, and she finds that the mold didn't turn out. The inside of the mold is full of holes, and he's worried about the overall look of the swan.  It turns out in the end that he didn't need to worry about his swan, because his swan was awesome. But, it cost him time to work on the sorcerer, and his sorcerer didn't turn out as well as it could have. Laura had issues with the edges on her cowl, so she and Miranda spent some extra time cleaning the edges, and Laura decided to hide some of the edges with a pearl necklace she found. 

We're just going to add a little bling to this evil spell you're under, m'kay?

Everything more or less comes together in last looks, although Tate is still upset that he didn't have more time to finish his piece for the sorcerer. McKenzie Westmore (in a solid silver mini-dress), Glenn, Ve,  and Neville are waiting at the auditorium for the performance and final critiques. 

And now we dance!

It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

The specially choreographed Swan Lake performance is basically Tchaikovsky Cliff Notes. It's not really Swan Lake if you have three different swans, but they have a corps de ballet, and each coupling has a chance to do a featured pas de deux and that is where we can see the make-ups in action. The ones that are the most effective in the performance, and the ones which hold together the best, are Laura's. Roy's fabricated sorcerer cage is cool and all, but he had to have known the guy couldn't dance in that. 

I love how during the Face/Off finale, they have an audience there for like fifteen minutes, and then during the judging portion, they kick them out. I hope those folks are being paid to sit there and didn't buy tickets or anything. At least they gave up on that letting 'Muricka vote idea. 

If these images aren't large enough for you to see in detail, you can check out all of the finale looks here. 

Here are the swans:

Laura.

Tate. 

Roy.

Here are the sorcerers:

Laura.

Tate.

Roy.

Overall, I think Laura had the most cohesive look. Her make-ups fulfilled the task, and neither of them had to be altered so that the dancers could, you know, dance. Tate's swan, as you can see, is FREAKING GORGEOUS, and if the outcome were just based on that look alone, he would have been the winner. I know Roy had issues, but his swan is generic and conventional. I wish he'd done more with the gold paint on the swan's chest and neck. As it stands, it looks like something that was in the wardrobe trailer on the set of Black Swan. Just not terribly innovative, especially when compared to Tate's swan. I really loved the breastplate and the overall aesthetic of Laura's swan. Neville wanted more feathers on the head because I guess he's into that sort of thing. 

I'm serving up Natalie Portman tarring and feathering the populace realness.

As far as the sorcerers are concerned, I felt that Laura had the strongest sorcerer. Hers fit into the same world as her swan, and nothing needed to be removed from her make-up that would have been in the dancer's way, at least not as far as I saw. Tate's sorcerer wasn't doing it for me at all. I realize he had issues with the cowl, but the way his mouth was stuck open like that kind of made him look more like a bum you'd run into in Central Park who was wearing a Windsor Castle-shaped hat than a sorcerer per se. Roy's sorcerer is stunning, but the dancer had to remove that entire fabricated piece from the front so he could dance, and what was left kind of just looked like Yul Brynner. 

After kicking out the audience and some deliberation by the judges, and some some guy-liner-filled intense stares from Glenn, Laura is declared the winner!! Hurray!!!

Heheheheh.

New season of Face/Off starts in January, with all new contestants and some WILD AND CRAZY LOCATIONS BECAUSE IT'S REALITY TEEVEE, PEOPLE.