Strictly Melodrama

So, a while ago, I wrote a post about The Paradise, in which I referenced Mr. Selfridge and stated that I really didn't like Selfridge all that much. Well, I do have a couple main qualms with the show, but the first SERIES (because it's British and they call it a SERIES) recently re-aired on PBS at like 3 a.m. and it ended up on my DVR and I decided to give it another go. I ended up actually... liking it. Okay, it's a pretty typical melodrama with touches of bodice ripping, but who doesn't want to listen to me yell, "Giiirrl! Giirrrlll! Ohhhh, giiiirrrrl he is a dawwwgggg, girl!" at my TV? AS I SUSPECTED.

Downton Abbey what?

Since Downton Abbey has completely jumped the rails, I have been seeking my costumed aggression elsewhere. However, I know I am putting off the inevitable, because like an unhealthy relationship, I'm sure I'll eventually be going right back to DA so it can let me down again. Then my friends will be all like, "Girl, why you going back to that? You know it's just gonna let you down" and I'll be like, "I knooowww. But I was wondering what happened and I thought maybe it would be better this time." And then my friends would be all

Since I need my dose of people sobbing in corsets, I have decided to give Mr. Selfridge another shot. Like Downton Abbey, Mr. Selfridge is an ensemble show. The protagonist is Harry Selfridge, the Brash American Who Defies English Stuffiness.

The drama is based on the real-life Selfridge & Co, and which opened on March 15, 1909. So there are big hats. And these newfangled automobiles. 

The show is based off the book Shopping, Seduction and & Mr Selfridge, by Lindy Woodhead, available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other fine retailers. Although I disagree with this book's tagline, "If you lived at Downton Abbey, you shopped at Selfridge's." Upon my word, ladies do not do their own shopping. That's servants' work. Heavens!

Jeremy Piven leads the cast as Harry Gordon Selfridge, the Chicago businessman who comes to London to open a department store in direct competition to the storied Harrod's. 

And I'm here to organize the River City Boys' Band.

Harry's brash style rubs the British press and many potential well-heeled investors the wrong way, and quite honestly, it's kind of easy to see why. I mentioned before I didn't like this show at first, and that's because I didn't really care for Jeremy Piven in the first three or four episodes. I'm kind of used to him at this point, but the show has done such a good job of creating an interesting ensemble piece that they've created a situation where the supporting cast is more interesting than the main lead. I don't know if this comes down to writing, directing, or personal taste, but I can't really say I am a fan of Piven's take on the role. I understand that his character is supposed to be the consummate salesman, but in every scene, and in every situation -- including many that are emotionally taxing -- he delivers every line in the same tone of voice while sporting the same shit-eating grin.

This is my concerned face. And my excited face. And my thinking face. And also my concerned face.

I just feel like an actor of Piven's caliber would be able to do more with this role than what I have been seeing thus far in the production, and I'd like to see Piven bring more dimensions and nuances to his character. I don't think he's miscast in the role at all, but I feel like he is trying too hard all of the time to put on a show and if that's deliberate it's coming across to me more as scenery-chewing than ironic emosadz.  I haven't read the book yet (but I made it Goodreads official by adding it to my to-reads) so I don't know if Harry Selfridge was as much of an ass to everyone in real life as he is portrayed to be on the show, but the production has created a lead role that isn't terribly likable or sympathetic. Don Draper he ain't.

Early character sketch.

Fortunately for us, the writers have provided us with a really fun and interesting supporting cast featuring characters whom we can root for and throw rotten produce at. The most likable and interesting character is our prosh ingenue, Agnes Towler. Agnes is a working-class gal trying to make a life for herself and her brother, since their mum died and their dad is a no-good drunkard. 

In the pilot, Agnes had a job at a swank store in London, until she was fired because someone named Harry Selfridge came into the store and encouraged her to try on a pair of gloves. Harry gives Agnes a chance to get hired at Selfridge's, if only his store was actually open. Harry is finally able to procure backing from Lady Locksley, and Agnes is one of his first hires. She starts off working at the accessories counter with Kitty and Doris, who develop plot lines and characterizations in their own right throughout the course of the first SERIES. 

Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.

Agnes also has a romance (with a small r) with the Romantic (with a large R) Henri Leclair, ZEE FRENCH ARTEEST who Harry hires to create window displays for the store. This puts a damper on her budding romance (with a small r) with Victor Coleano, who works at the Palm Court restaurant in Selfridge's and has a thing with Agnes until his head is turned by Lady Locksley, who is kind of a ho. Lady Locksley's husband is apparently 100 years old and so she spends her time being a suffragette, backing odd business deals, and being the moral ruin of earnest young men. Just some full on Alexis Carrington realness. 

Yes, but dahhhling. It's good to be a gangsta.

Oh, and did I mention the part about Harry being kind of a philandering slut? Harry is a philandering manwhore. He is constantly cheating on his wife, the long-suffering Rose (exquisitely played by my girl Frances O'Connor). Harry's most significant affair is with Ellen Love, a London burlesque star (and Dr. Who companion reject) WHO WANTS TO BE A REAL ACTRESS SOMEDAY. 

Just no, girl. Just no. 

That's not to say that MRS. Selfridge isn't getting some somethin somethin. She meets an ARTIST FELLOW who paints her portraits and they fall in the lovez. Then Rose tells him she can't see him anymore. Then he starts paying attention to 17-year-old daughter Rosalee and all manner of unmentionable substances hit various electric cooling devices.

Hands off the artist, beyotch. 

So, despite the leading man's drawbacks, there are still a lot of plot lines that the show has going for it. The other major qualm I have with the production is the historical stunt casting. During almost every episode, the store is visited by some notable and inoffensive historical figure in actor form. During the first few episodes, it felt like the show was relying too much on the historical figures to keep the show interesting because none of the non-Harry plot lines had been fully developed. A couple of the later celebrities were more interesting, like polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and ballerina Anna Pavlova, but even they outshone the lead -- and Anna Pavlova didn't even speak any English. I'm a huge geek about Anna Pavlova. I read a biography about her in sixth grade for my English class and after we finished our book reports I checked it out about five more times afterward. Whenever I got to the part where she died of pleurisy I cried buckets. I also looked up pleurisy in the encyclopedia and learned its path of infection. There is nothing wrong with me. Not a damn thing. So I enjoyed seeing a couple of the historical figures, but most of the rest of the guests were mostly filler for me. But I am surprised Harry didn't try to get into her knickers. Or I guess it would be her tutu.

Pro tip: Say: "я не гаварю по-англаийски" when creepy guys approach you on the street. 

One final quibble is about the casting. Every actress on this show in a "serious" part (with the possible exception of Rosalee) is a brunette, and at first all the female characters look the same. I find this brunettist. Or anti-blonde. Anyway, most of the blonde or redheaded actresses are relegated to bit parts and, as a blonde, I find this to be a trigger warning about dumb blonde jokes. That is all.

Aren't sold yet???!! But wait! There's more! For only $19.95 you can watch the new SERIES of Mr. Selfridge on PBS starting March 30. Actually, it's free and everyone gets PBS. You get a PBS! And you get a PBS. AND YOU GET A PBS.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The Henriad

It should come to no surprise to my fellow erudite TV Sluts that the folks across the pond are adept at creating one hell of a Shakespeare adaptation.  After all, THEY INVENTED SHAKESPEARE. It should also come as no surprise to any Anglophiles that Ben Whishaw is adorable and an amazingly talented actor. Anyone who has seen him in The Hour or Bright Star knows what a mad gifted artist he is.

Usurping my crown is, like, way not cool, bro.

But did you also know that Tom Hiddleston (aka our favorite comic villain, Loki)  is also hot and is playing Prince Hal in the BBC adaptation of The Henriad, entitled The Hollow Crown, airing in the U.S. on most PBS stations? That is a true fact that I just said. 

Drinking and whoring? Yeah, I can handle that. 

Yes, the Brits have gone and done it again. If you're feeling like you need a brush-up on your Willie Shakes, and you weren't able to make it up to the Stratford Festival in Ontario this year, take heart. The BBC adaptation is, SHOCKINGLY, very good. I have borne witness to so much bad Shakespeare in my life, that it does me little heart good to see it done well. Last night, PBS aired the oft-forgotten Richard II. True, it doesn't have the name-recognition and cache of the more popular and commonly performed plays, but it has a driving plot and some damn good soliloquies. We all know that performing Shakespeare is the litmus test of an English-speaking actor, and I was pleased with the Richard II cast. Shakespeare really is one of those cases where the actors' job basically is to get out of the way of the language. In this production, the cast performs with such honesty and the language percolates off the actors' tongues with crystal clarity, which just makes the whole production that much more compelling. 

The plot of Richard II is thus:  Richard II (Whishaw) was the last Plantagenet king of England. ("What's a Plantagenet," you ask? Go back to school!). He is replaced by the first Lancaster king, Henry Bolingbroke/Henry IV (Rory Kinnear). Richard is a young and ambitious king, but he's very wasteful and he spends too much time on buying useless crap from Italy. He also doesn't choose his counselors very well, which seems to have been a common thread among European royals. Richard starts renting out parcels of land to wealthy noblemen to raise money to fund his wars against Ireland. (That England. Always picking on the Irish.) He also seizes the land of his well-respected uncle, John of Gaunt (FUCKING PATRICK STEWART), after John of Gaunt dies.

But wait! There's more! Richard has a cousin named Henry Bolingbroke, who was John of Gaunt's son, and he is PISSED. Not only did Richard seize his land, but he had also exiled Henry six years earlier. 

You were in Skyfall? No way. Me, too.

Richard leaves England to fight a war in Ireland. (Again. WTF. Stop with the Ireland invading already.) While he's gone, Henry assembles an army and invades England. Richard's allies all desert him in his absence, and he returns to England. Henry takes him prisoner and ensconces him in a castle in Pomfret, where he languishes until a plot against Henry unfolds. An assassin takes it upon himself to murder Richard. Henry now feels like he has blood on his hands and jaunts off to Jerusalem to absolve himself of sin. Because that'll help.

I guess that didn't go well.

The only thing that bugged me about this production was, at the end, Richard's body is dragged into Henry's throne room (which is apparently where he sits all day...yawn). The scene pans up from two men standing over Richard's diapered dead body, to a sculpture of Christ and two disciples that is hanging from the ceiling. I was like, come on. COME ON. Come, on really? It's not that I found that offensive in a religious way (since I'm pretty much a heathen). I simply found it heavy-handed from an artistic standpoint. Richard II was murdered by political enemies, but martyred? Really? CAMMAHHHN.

The next installment of The Hollow Crown is Henry IV Part I, with Jeremy Irons as the much older Henry IV and Tom Hiddleston as Prince Hal. Michelle Dockery is apparently taking a break from being all weepy over Matthew to make an appearance as Lady Percy. 

I may be too sexy for this crown.

The Hollow Crown is airing on PBS as part of Great Performances. You can watch it online  or check your local PBS listings for air dates and times. 

Is this why I had a dream that I was Rosalind in As You Like It last night? Imma gonna go with yes 

And Now, A Very Special Episode About STDs

Apologies, all - I'm behind in the True Blood recaps. The first of two this week, summarizing the two most recent episodes. We're definitely moving into the second half of the season with this one as shit is starting to go down and we even lose a (mostly) major character. Without further ado...

Because there’s never a time when this show doesn’t like to start us directly in the middle of the action, we begin this time with Lafayette (who, you’ll remember, is possessed by the ghost of Sookie’s father) attempting to drown Sookie in a river to finish what he planned on doing all those years ago – kill her before she could be taken by vampires. True Blood logic, everybody! Anyway, Ben saves her before anything can happen and forces Mr. Stackhouse out of Lafayette with his faerie light. GhostDad was hoping for a nice reunion but he pretty much ruined that. Sookie tells Lafayette to tell him to get out of her life forever. So basically she’s doing the same thing all girls say to their fathers at some point, it’s just delayed by about ten years post-puberty. And, you know, drowning.

"Just saying. Father of the Year Award nomination? Off the table."

In VampireDome, Eric and Pam prepare to stare at each other to death. Pam is none too pleased that Eric sired another vampire, but puts that aside to help Eric kill the guards who are watching the room with their guns and seriously freaking out the Gov, Sarah and Steve Newlin who are watching. Take Away Message here: don’t pit Eric and Pam against each other. Bitches will literally eviscerate you.

Bill/Lilith is calling Ben to him/her. Sookie transports her and Ben to the magic faerie dimension that looks like it was shot through a 1970s gauze filter to keep them safe.  Bill, unable to bring Ben to him, gets his professor in the basement to drain him of almost all his blood in order to force a hallucinatory meeting with Lilith.

Jason, pursing a long line of unfortunate choices, is in the VTF recruiting office where he comes on a little strong even for these folk, expressing a significant desire to “fuck these fucking fangers up.” “Why don’t I just go through the interview checklist first,” the recruiter offers. Either way it goes well with Jason providing a litany of what he knows about vampires and the recruiter meeting eagerness in kind and deciding to fetch his supervisor for approval. “Racist fucks,” Jason mutters under his breath as the recruiter walks away.

You know what would be awesome? More time away from the Sam/Nicole plotline. Unfortunately, we’ve got more of it. Nicole wants Sam to face up to who he is, stop running away with Emma, blah blah blah. Sam is doubtful. Yuck. At any rate, Alcide finds his father in the motel that Sam and Nicole are staying in. Pops and one of the “were-bitches” have been, ahem, passing the time but tell him where to find Sam and Nicole. Alcide HULKSMASHs his way into their room, but Sam and Nicole have gone already.

In the faerie realm, Ben tells Sookie that he needs her to restrain him before the sun sets so that he won’t hurt her. Sookie complies, using vines and her magic light to tie him down. Ben meanwhile expresses regret that Sookie had to find out about what her parents were planning. The touching reconciliation could go farther, but he starts to vamp out.

This is so going to go in an S&M-y direction, isn’t it? 

Andy Bellefleur has a talk with his surviving daughter who is about ready for a real name, especially because being called Number Four is kind of an uncomfortable reminder about what happened to the other three. He decides to give her the name Adilyn Braelin Charlene Danica, one name for each sister.

Lafayette is trying to recover from his possession-a-thon with the best way he knows how – copious drugs and crafting. 

For realz. 

He’s interrupted by Terry, who appears shaken (we know why) and gives Lafayette the key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette, rightly, knows something’s up but accepts the key and a very awkward hug from Terry. He also calls Arlene to let her know that her husband is wicked unstable. Arlene panics, worried that Terry will try to kill himself out of guilt from the war. Holly suggests using a vampire to glamour Terry into forgetting about what happened in Iraq, perhaps asking her son’s friend’s dad’s husband who is a vampire. “He owes me one,” she tells Arlene, picking up the phone to call before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “they’re gay!” And see, True Blood, when you write shit like this it makes me want to fall in love with you all over again.

Sookie is getting the low-down from Ben – he was born in 3532 BC, turned in 3500 BC and he’s been waiting for her the entire time. Uh huh. “So, how did you think this was going to go?” Sookie asks, pointing out that showing up with a contract roughly 6,500 years after becoming a vampire and demanding that she be his faerie bride may not go over like gangbusters and you’d think six thousand years of planning would have yielded something a little more graceful. Like flowers and a box of chocolates, or something. Ben tells her that the contract was arranged in the 17^th century, but he’ll tear it up if she wants him to. He despises that Lilith made him a vampire and if Sookie was with him, it would be okay because with Sookie also a faerie vampire, they’d only need each other’s blood.

At the VampCamp, the Gov is getting smug over Eric being put to the True Death. He brings in Nora as a bargaining chip, saying he’ll kill her to make Eric understand what it feels like to lose someone close to him like the Gov feels now that Eric has “killed” Willa. The Gov’s scientist inject Willa with something they call “Hepatitis V”, which can be spread sexually, hence all that experimental vampire lab sex. They leave them both chained and facing each other.   

I really wanted this scientists to have a fake stereotypical German accent, but alas. He was American. 

Bill, through the help of blood loss, is able to meet with Lilith who tells him that The Tyrant took Jessica and “The Blonde” took their salvation and basically Bill is the biggest disappointment she’s seen which, given her age, you have to admit is saying something. Lilith warns him not to come to her again and instead he needs to grow a pair, man up and act.

Sam meanwhile has called Martha, Emma’s grandmother, to come get her provided that she’ll be kept safe from the Pack. Martha tells Sam that she’s left the Pack and seems genuinely grateful. Sam says what is probably supposed to be a heart-rending goodbye to Emma, but honestly since we’ve only spent like three minutes of screen-time on these two together this season, it’s hard to muster the tears. Later, Alcide catches up with them and gets pissed to see that Emma has already been taken away. Sam calls Alcide out, tells him to stop being a dick or come at him already. Alcide tells Sam to leave town if he knows what’s good for him and that Alcide may not kill Sam, but he won’t stop his pack from doing it.

Arlene and Holly welcome in the gay vampire (conservatively, but fashionably dressed, btw) to hypnotize Terry. Arlene asks the vampire to ensure that Terry remembers nothing about the war and only remembers his family and his civilian life. Finally, a life of happiness and contentment can be theirs!

"I'm sure our long-fought struggle for emotional and familial stability will in no way be undermined by actions one of us has taken without consulting the other."

Jason is regaling the VTF with his war stories about Rambo-ing the Authority last season when Sarah enters the room. Jason admits to her privately that he’s getting Jessica out and if she tattles on him, he’ll reveal her secrets as well. Willa, meanwhile, demands that her father put her with the rest of the vampires instead of solitary, despite the Gov’s insistence that she needs to be kept safe so that they can “fix” her.  

As Bill rejoins the land of the somewhat living, news hits that the Gov has made an agreement with the makers of True Blood to start up production again. Bill fears time has run out and swallows Ben’s blood, allowing him to go outside in the daylight for the first time in 150 years.

In creepy emotionally abusive news, Sarah Newlin isn’t about to take Jason’s threats laying down. Unlike everything else of his that she’s taken in that position. (hey-o!) She arranges for Jason to observe the vampire’s “copulation study” process from behind a one-way mirror. Naturally, one of the two subjects is Jessica. Her “study partner” is just as squicked out, insisting that he’s a vampire, not a rapist. He is hit with bursts of sunlight for protesting. Jessica sobs and tells him just to have sex with her to spare him, but the vampire with the heart of gold refuses. Sarah orders Jessica removed from the room.

At Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, Terry has a new lease on life and Arlene couldn’t be happier. Life is good! Terry gleefully going about his job, cleaning up the kitchen and taking the trash out. Which is when the shot rings out. Arlene runs outside to see Terry shot through the neck and bleeding out on the ground. She holds Terry to her as Terry slowly dies in her arms. Okay, I know I said I was tired of this plot last time, but man. Harsh.

Damn. That's cold, brah. 

The Gov is conducting a dramatic reading of the Bible when Bill invades his compound, wooden bullets flying right through him without harming him. Bill uses his new abilities to make all the guards shoot each other and demands that Gov tell him about the room where all the vampires are executed by the sunlight. The Gov doesn’t want to play, refusing information and saying that Bill killing him will just turn him into a martyr for the cause. “Cut off my head and another grows in its place,” the Gov warns. Bill decides to take his chances…and literally rips the Gov’s head off.

"Alas, poor Yorrick..."

Nora isn’t looking too good, the Hep V disease working into her system. Eric summons Willa from the common room, who glamours the pervy guard who tried to her to blow him last time into  taking her to the room Eric and Nora are being held. Eric and Nora dress in guard and doctor clothes and pretend to take Willa hostage in order to flee the facility, but Willa insists they get Tara and Jessica as well. In the search, Eric discovers that the facility is the True Blood bottling plant and that the scientists have been contaminating the new True Blood supply with Hep V. 

In the spirit of truthful things, Sookie is still talking with Ben and confessing that she knows that everyone in town thinks she is “a danger whore.” Ben snarks that he’s had the same problem, why do you think he lived alone for thousands of years? Sookie wonders if they’re right, given that she’s developed feelings for Ben and she’s at least finally aware that she’s got a pattern going. Then, to prove the point, she offers her blood to Ben, knowing he needs to feed. Him biting her leads to her biting him which leads to her removing Ben’s pants which leads the hot sweaty sexytime. As the two grind each other, they both begin to glow.

Offered without comment. 

You Found a Prostitute that Takes Traveler's Checks?

The quality of mercy is not strain'd
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blesst
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

My corset itches, Bassanio. Also, I am really racist.

I once recited, with great aplomb (and hand gestures), that monologue in its entirety in front of an entire undergraduate introductory English class. AND I SCHOOLED THEM. Because why? Because we were studying the play and we all divided up into groups to do different scenes, and no one wanted to be Portia in the courtroom scene, so I volunteered. Why? Because I'm an attention whore, that's why! I WAS THE BEST PORTIA IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. 

Okay, maybe not as cool as this Portia. 

I ran a clinic on that monologue. I posted part of it here so you can search for deeper meaning in the episode bearing the title, "The Quality of Mercy." I assume that if you're reading this blog that that is the kind of thing you spend your time doing. So, have at it. The Merchant of Venice quote is a nice choice, considering all the Jewish jokes spread throughout the show. Oh, anti-Semitism.  *Jazz hands*

Victorian postcard portrayals of saucy wenches and other high-minded strumpets.

Welcome TV Sluts, to the TVSluts Mad Men-a-palooza AMC-a-go-go. This last episode before the finale was like a Mad Men cake with five layers of oh no he didn't, topped with oh no he better don't frosting. And a cherry on top. 

So, Don wakes up shitfaced, in a fetal position, hoping that that dream he had about letting his daughter catch him in bed with the neighbor lady was just a dream. Nope. Nope, that shiz was real. In an act of defiance, Don is drinking Tropicana OJ and not Sunkist. Megan wants Don to take a break, and then she burns the eggs. She asks him to stay home and "sleep it off" today, and then she heads to work. There's all kind of ominous music. 

So, Ken Cosgrove is out hunting with some clients and in an incredibly Dick Cheney move, one of them shoots him instead of whatever fowl they were hunting. Well. Crap.

Ahh, nature. The birds. The trees. The sun. The....ahhh! My eye! My fucking eye!

Three minutes in and we are off to a rousing start. In an ironic twist, Don's home watching a Nixon ad about how he's tough on crime. Tell that to poor fucking Ken Cosgrove, man. Don switches the channel and then he sees Megan, in that bad wig, pretending to be the really French sister of the other French character she plays on TV. She's more French than she is in real life. And Jessica Pare is French Canadian. It's all very meta. Then the phone rings and IT'S BETTY.  Betty wants to talk Sally and Don wants to know what's up, and Sally's been refusing to visit Don. Betty still has no idea what happened and Betty tells Don that Sally wants to go away to a boarding school. 

Carnation Instant Breakfast: Have the energy you need to telephone your ex-husband.

Back at SC&P, Ted's successfully gotten his hands all over Ocean Spray. Ted and Peggy are FLIRTING and telling everyone about this HILARIOUS guy who took them around the plant. He had a red shirt and he talked like a really bad Kennedy impersonator. Hahaha. Hahaha. No, seriously, you had to be there. Ginsberg wants to know if no one has noticed that Cran-Prune sounds like a glass of diarrhea (it does) and Ted tells him they can't change the names. Ginsberg gets up to say he has to use the bathroom, but really it's a ploy to get Ted and Peggy out of the room. Yes, please. Get a room. 

Mmm...kay. To do: 1) Flirt with Peggy.  2) Flirt with Peggy more. 3) Feel guilty. 4) Go home to neglected wife.

The phone rings at Megan and Don's and it's Harry Crane and he has good news!  Now Sunkist wants to deal with SC&P and Don tells Harry that it's a conflict and he has to drop it. Great shorts, Harry. Jeffrey, the fat Sunkist reps, took a look at the media plan and wants to do TV. Don tells Harry he should have told them that they had a conflict with Sunkist. Megan's idea is to take Don out of the apartment.

Don's at a movie with Megan and awkwardly run into Ted and Peggy AT EFFING ROSEMARY'S BABY and Don doesn't like it that Ted is hanging with Peggy and let's remember that Don's supposed to be home sick today. Megan's convinced that Ted and Peggy are having an affair and Don thinks Megan's been on a soap too long.  Ted tries to brush it off by saying they're doing "research" for the St. Joseph aspirin spot. No, you blew off work to play footsie in a dark theater.  Don and Megan head home and Don decides to, yet once more, go behind everyone's back and make a business decision. He phones Harry Crane in Cali.

False alarm. Ken Cosgrove is alive and he hates Michigan a bunch. Chevy has been trying to kill him and Pete tells him to man up. Pete GRACIOUSLY offers to take the Chevy people off Cosgrove's hands. Cosgrove's wife Cynthia is pregnant and he wants off the account, and Pete sees his opportunity and offers his services to take over the account. He cuts a deal with Cosgrove to get Cosgrove off the account. 

You know, cyclops have feelings, too.

At the morning partners meeting (which Joan does not attend), Don and Roger present Sunkist to Cutler and Ted. Sunkist wants an $8 million TV ad, and Cutler is on board with Don and Roger, but Ted hates the idea. Let's remember that Don gave Ted his WORD OF HONOR AS A GENTLEMAN that if Ted pulled strings with Mitchell Rosen, Don would back off Sunkist. Upon agreeing to take the Sunkist account, Ted tells Don he wants Peggy on the account. Because you know. Juice experience. Stuff like that.

Rosemary's Baby. What a RIOT! *Snortgigglegigglesnort*

So Pete has his gun out, which is always a good sign, and Miss Scarlett tries to give Pete advice about firearms. She informs him that he has a .22 and that isn't good for anything but squirrels. Scarlett tells him he's got a meeting with Old Man Cooper, and she straightens his tie. Awwwww. Yeahhhh. Pete Campbell. Gettin' some secretary tail. 

Bert's called a meeting with Roger, Cutler, Cosgrove and, yes, Bob Benson! BOB BENSON!!! Pete hasn't calculated this very well, but he must have been aware that when he volunteered to take Chevy that Cutler put Troutshorts on the Chevy account. Pete doesn't want to work with Bob, and Pete tries to worm out of it, but Cosgrove tries to convince Pete that he needs Troutshorts. Troutshorts graciously leaves so that they can discuss this amongst themselves, but you know he is seething and plotting as he leaves. Plotting. Yes. Plotting.

Cutler lets Pete know that, on no uncertain terms,  he has to work with Troutshorts. Cutler likes Troutshorts. Chevy likes Troutshorts. We all like Troutshorts,  Pete. Pete realizes he's been beaten, thanks them and leaves. Turn that Pete Campbell Smarm-o-Meter up to 11.

So. In potential serial killer news, Pete graciously shakes Bob's hand, and they have a very polite and intense exchange about how Troutshorts is gay, Pete thinks it's sick, and how Pete should watch what he says to people. Or else! See you later, old sport!

Pete yells at Scarlett, thus likely ruining his chances at some potential casual banging and he calls his old buddy Duck Phillips. Pete wants Duck to find a way to get Troutshorts out of the office by way of presenting Troutshorts with some other opportunities. Duck promises to help Pete out if Pete pays him $1,000 for the work, and Pete readily agrees. Meanwhile, Troutshorts esta hablando espanol con su novio (o eso?), Manolo. Dice que Pete es un hijo de punta. MOTHER shows up a bit later, annoying Pete with her -- well, her existence, really. Apparently, Pete has engaged the services of a beleaguered and terrified young nurse, Josephine. MOTHER informs Pete that she's in need of her passport because she's going on a trip and she also tells him that she's spoken to Manolo about the way Pete treats Troutshorts. This causes Pete to blow his stack again because HE GAVE ORDERS that MOTHER wasn't to see Manolo anymore, and Pete says all kinds of insulting things to MOTHER and threatens to fire poor Josephine for...well, because he's an ass.

In future teen delinquent news, Betty and Sally are on their way up to Sally's ritzy private school and Betty steals one of Sally's fries. Betty reminds Sally that one of her friends in school went away to boarding school.

Betty: Did I tell you she hated her mother?

Sally: Good for her.

Betty can't figure out why Sally suddenly wants to go to boarding school, and she figures it has something to do with her. No, worries, Betty. Sally hates the world.

Now, dear, it's all right to be blase, but we want to make sure you're the right kind of blase.

At . other end of the SC&P office, Ted and Peggy are having entirely too much fun with the St. Joseph account, with poor Joan held hostage to witness all of this flirtin' and Ted and Peggy (with Joan in a cameo as The Jewish Mother) 

Peggy soon learns that this is also Ted's O face. 

Ted and Peggy leave the meeting like a couple of giddy school kids after Don agrees to attend casting. This is where he finds out from Joan that the St. Joseph budget is $5,000, but Ted and Peggy have racked up over $35,000 in incidentals. St. Joseph hasn't seen the new budget and Don is livid, wanting to know who's been paying for the casting. Joan says that they have so far, and Don asks if the plan is to spring it on St. Joseph in the meeting. This is where Joan takes the opportunity to remind of him of her lack of power in the agency,  and says, "I don't know, Don. I don't tell them what to do." Don calls St. Joseph while Peggy and Ted are at casting and sends them a budget, and St. Joseph calls Ted during casting and puts a stop to it because they are angry about the budget. Don wants to know why Ted pushed St. Joseph when they've been running the same ad for 20 years, and Ted explains it's because the client wanted a more memorable ad. Peggy came up with some great work and Ted doesn't want to let her down and asks Don to back him up at the meeting the next day. 

Sally begins her overnight at Hogwarts, and this is where we discover that Hogwarts is populated with cynical, chain-smoking, bored little rich girls who expect Sally to bring them liquor, cigarettes, boys, and, if she can score it, weed.

Anyway, so Sally's stuck at this boarding school with some teen skanks. Eager to fit in Sally tells them she can get them anything they want. So, what does she do? She calls Glenn, who brings along one of his uber horny teen friend, weed and alcohol. 

Tonight, on a very special episode of Mad Men.

Duck Phillips calls Pete with some GREAT NEWS. Well, it's great news for Pete, but not-so-great news for SC&P. Turns out, Troutshorts aka Bob Benson aka Alias is a total fake. Total fraud. Didn't go to UPenn. Never went to Deloitte. He called Barriman Bros. because of the info Pete gave him, and they DO remember Bob Benson. Turns out, he is from West Virginia (mountain mama, take me home) and a senior VP's buttboy. Duck says he's never seen anything like this before and Pete says, "I have." Awww. Yeah.

Meanwhile, back at the After School Special, Sally is shitfaced. Glenn's hitting on Sally's roomie, and roomie takes Glenn into another room so he can "read her diary." That's what the kids are calling it these days.

I"m so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm...so...scared.

Glenn's buddy Rolo is putting the moves on Sally, but Sally's about two steps past playing Barbies and also likely has some serious issues with human mating rituals. He gets mad at her, and Sally bangs on the door where Glenn is...banging her roommate. Glenn is mad at Rolo for hitting on Sally because he's like her sister, and Glenn punches Rolo. Did you see that little smile on Sally's face? Oh, I did. Is she totally geeked about witnessing violence or is she happy that someone -- Glenn -- is taking on the daddy role and beating someone up to protect her? A little of both? A little swirl? Glenn has to leave, and you'd think Sally's roomie would be mad at her for being a cockblock, but she seems a little impressed that Sally got a boy to beat up another boy for her sake.

Don and partners sit down to meet with St. Joseph so they can understand all of this spendthrifting. Ted tries to convince St. Joseph that their campaign is worth the money, but St. Joseph isn't buying it. St. Joseph wants a reason, and Don takes charge. He gives a long spiel, giving himself enough time to think of something convincing to pull out of his ass. Don puts Ted on the spot, asking Ted to read his mind and decipher the utter bullshit that is about to come out of Don's mouth. Don tells St. Joseph that it was FRANK GLEASON'S LAST IDEA, humiliating Ted and stealing Peggy's thunder. Don, you are a heel. On the up side, St. Joseph agrees to the campaign and a budget of $25,000. After the partners leave, Peggy gives Don a death look. Ted asks Don WTF that was all about, and Don tells Ted that Ted's feelings for Peggy are getting in the way of his work.

Works wonders for professional rivalry, infidelity and other ailments of the digestion.

Pete confronts Bob and tells Troutshorts that he knows Troutshorts a fake.  Pete decides to keep his enemy closer and offers not to tell anyone about what he found out in exchange for Troutshorts agreeing to work alongside him and not to do anything underhanded or backstabbing. Pete's such a puritanical hypocrite that he thinks he has to take the high ground with Troutshorts, and lecture him about integrity, because Bob's lied about who he is and where he came from, whereas Pete's just been spoiled all his life.

Peggy asks to see Ted and his secretary tells him he's left for the day. Peggy asks when he left, and the secretary tells her he left when Peggy asked to see him. Peggy thinks, "Oh no he better did not!" and marches into that Don Draper's office and gives him a piece of her mind. Peggy accuses Don of killing Ted, killing the ad and killing everything because, as she says, Don can't stand it that Ted is a good man. Don responds with, "He's not that virtuous," and I think anyone who's seen the finale already (which is all of you) can now get behind that statement. Get behind it like Troutshorts behind a VP. 

Betty takes Sally home from Hogwarts and tells her that things went well for her, and that the school would be pleased to have her. Remember when Betty stole a fry? Betty lets Sally have a cig in exchange for said fry. Betty justifies it by saying that she's sure Don has given her a beer.. Sally takes a drag of her cigarette, stares out the window and says, "My father's never given me anything."

Boom! That's it for part one of the Mad Men-a-palooza. Stay tuned for the TVSluts Mad Men Threeway, part of this complete liquid breakfast.

You're Still Living in a Paper Doll World

There's this huge risk that period television shows run when they add actual news events into their storylines and have the characters react to and interact with real historical events. They always run the risk of sounding belabored, blase or trite, or we have to sit through self-congratulatory soliloquies about What it All Means. Sunday night's episode of Mad Men tackled the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. with grace and class, and it brought out some unexpected emotions in characters whom we all thought we knew like the back of our kid-gloved, Tiffany-braceleted, Chanel No. 5-perfumed hands. I wasn't around for the MLK Jr. assassination ofs so all I can really do is comment on the characters' reactions as well as the way the show handled the event. Matthew Weiner handled the episode with a degree of sensitivity, and highlighted that MLK Jr.'s assassination was an important event in American history, but he didn't hammer us over the head with Its Significance. The episode has a "Where Were You When You Heard?" vibe to it that makes it seem sincere and authentic.

Apparently, the plan for this season is for you and I to feel guilty about being unmitigated sleazebags.

This episode opens with a back view of Peggy, looking out an apartment window that overlooks New York's East Side. Abe walks in and the Realtor assumes he's the money behind this operation because he's the one with the penis, but Abe tells her that Peggy is the one holding the wallet. Yes, Peggy's one of those career girls the news people have been talking so much about. The Realtor realizes her blunder and excuses herself to go check out one of the bathrooms, presumably to go stick her head in the toilet and flush.

Over at the Fat Betty Francis home, Little Bobby Draper is either going to grow up to be a serial killer or a novelist. I'm uncertain which direction he's most likely headed in. At present, his main hobby is peeling the wallpaper off his bedroom wall, because as he later tells Don, "it doesn't line up." 

So, I'll be living in a house full of random junk and cats, and I won't get diagnosed with OCD until 1996? Neat-o!

On a side note, this young scrapper is Mason Vale Cotton. He is the fourth actor to be cast in the role of Bobby Draper. This kid is a scene stealer with a killer sense of timing. He does seem a tad more coached than Kiernan Shipka, who to be fair is several years older, but he holds his own in two scenes with Jon Hamm. I'm hoping he sticks around because ya got potential, kid. I don't know why they're changing the actor nearly every season, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the actors being very young. Either that or Betty is killing and eating the Bobbys and replacing them with an orphan off the street. We all know Henry won't notice and Sally won't care. Betty finds out Bobby's gone all Charlotte Perkins Gilman and punishes him with no TV for a week.

Don and Megan are headed out to an awards banquet, and see Sylvia and Arnie Rosen headed out, too. They are going to a conference in D.C. Megan is up for an award, not for acting, but for advertising, with the Ad Club of New York. Paul Newman's coming! Sylvia appears a little jealous of Megan's success in more than one area, and she doesn't do a very good job of hiding it for the sake of politeness.

The popular girls are never going to stop getting on my nerves, are they?

Copy editor Michael Ginsberg's dad wants to get him together with a Nice Jewish Girl. He gets home to find his dad has a young lady waiting for him, and Pops gives him money to take the girl out for a nice dinner. Dad's determined to get Michael laid, but Michael's determined to cockblock himself. Look at you, says Papa Ginsberg. It's Heim Faber's daughter, Beverly! Heim Faber! Lovely girl. Good teeth, nice hips. What's to complain about? You don't shave, you don't eat right, you don't dress right. I've never seen anyone in my 99 years who needed a good shag better than you do. I didn't survive a concentration camp and the Nazis so you could fail to pass on my genes. Now get out there and get laid! 

Ginsberg takes Beverly out for some awkward dinner conversation, since he's a lowly copy editor and not invited to the Ad Club, but she's pretty easygoing. She tells him she won't sleep with him on the first date because she's not that kind of girl, but she does like Ginsberg. They have to cut it short because they hear about Dr. King's assassination. But we like Beverly. She is fun. Could there be a successful marriage in the future for Ginsberg and Mad Men? Stay tuned.

At the Ad Club dinner, Don won't go over and talk to Peggy, but Megan heads over her way and Peggy is pleased to see her. Peggy tells Megan the news that she's paid off her debts (but still has a tax problem) and is about to make an offer on an Upper East Side apartment near the Drapers and they can all be neighbors! Megan's like OMG fondu party. Megan's team is up for this award, too, so we all know that Megan is going to win. Ted shows up and lets Peggy know that he already knows she didn't win and this causes Peggy to make a sour face. Peggy, you really need to get used to Megan getting everything you want. 

I think...I think the prize is for being pretty...? Wait, didn't I already win that?

Also, I am wondering what sort of debts Peggy has. She didn't go to college and she doesn't own a car, and this was in the days before the massive personal credit card debt problem. I don't know who she could owe money to. Maybe the Irish Mafia? Her bitch whore sister? 'Tis a mystery.  Don finds this whole thing agony. Roger introduces Don to a vaguely creepy insurance friend, who turns up later on in the episode. Ted flirts with Peggy in front of his wife, and makes eyes at her instead of giving his undivided attention to Paul Newman.

I thought it was respectful to the memory of the hotness that was Paul Newman for the production to not find a Paul Newman impersonator. Because, I mean...

and

Paul Newman apparently did not understand that he was asked to speak at this event so he could look pretty, tell a few inoffensive but lame jokes about lawyers and priests and rabbis walking into bars, and maybe keep a lid the commie talk. Then Paul Newman has to start boring everyone by going on and on and on about his political views. But before anyone from the New York ad world can start shouting about how Paul Newman is a commie, an unseen voice announces to the room that Martin Luther King Jr. has been shot. Quick! Protect the talent!

This interrupts the festivities momentarily. Ted's wife, who is a terrible human being (so I guess we can all see why Ted is hitting on Peggy), reveals that not only is she incredibly catty, but she is also kind of racist! Megan is upset because Megan is the Nice One, and Don and Roger are just kind of like, "Dafuq just happened?" People out in the street start rioting and everyone at the dinner is wondering how they are going to get home.

But the reactions of the main characters are not the most reveling in this scene. Do-gooder Abe runs off to cover the riots for The New York Times, forgetting how much he hates The Man's Institutions. I sort of assumed The Times was one of them. He leaves Peggy alone to shift for herself. Giiiiiiiiiirrrlll. Don gallantly offers her a ride home. 

Abe wants to get a good story on the New York riots to advance his career, and he places that before his concerns about his politics or Peggy's safety. You'd think Peggy would be reevaluating her relationship with Abe, but WTF does she know about how she should be treated? Peg, hon, maybe he's only shacking up with you not because he doesn't want to conform to an old-fashioned tradition but because he's just too damn lazy to make an honest woman of you. Find a real man, Peggy! Get a tax break!

Speaking of tools, Pete thinks the assassination of MLK is a good time for everyone to be together, so he phones the estranged Trudy and begs her to let him come home. Trude refuses due to that whole mistress thing. On that same note, Don's worried about Sylvia in D.C. due to the rioting, and he phones her hotel in an attempt to get in touch with her, but he's unable to reach her.

No one knows how to behave around Dawn at SCDP. Joan awkwardly hugs Dawn, and Don insists that Dawn go home, but Dawn insists on staying. Peggy, however, has a sincere moment with her secretary, and lets her leave for the day. The gravity of the situation appears to weigh on Peggy. Peggy gets a call from her Realtor who wants Peggy to make an offer on the apartment, especially since there are riots about ten blocks away. Peggy's Realtor thinks she can use the news to get the building's owners to go down in price, and she takes Peggy's shocked silence as agreement. Peggy later loses the apartment because the building managers got another offer, and Abe tells her that it wasn't really a big deal to him, anyway. He doesn't want to live on the Upper East Side with all those horrid ad execs, and he'd rather drag Peggy down to run-down part of the city and throw up a coat of paint and go all boho chic. Peggy seems a little perplexed. Abe went along with East Side scheme because he didn't feel like it was his place to interfere, but he wasn't honest with her about not wanting to live among the city's wealthier residents. Abe's obviously concerned about getting ahead in his career. Being a well-respected reporter in New York City could lead to wealth and fame and he has to know that. So can really be any different deep down than the soulless Madison Ave. execs he with whom will not stoop to live on the tony East Side? Does Our Girl Peggy really want to live on the Upper East Side? 

Harry Crane and Pete get into an argument because Harry's upset that his TV clients are being pre-empted for special reports and he's losing money. Pete is like, "Oh know he better don't!" and he loses it and calls Harry disgusting and a racist. Bert Cooper comes out of office and tells them to apologize to each other, but neither of them can let it go. They start shouting at each other again and ignore Bert, and Pete stalks off. Pete is sincerely upset about Dr. King's death, which is surprising to say the least. Is this a turning point for Pete? 

And later, they're letting ME be the moral compass of the MLK Jr. episode. I know, right!

Roger's insurance guy, Randall, wants SCDP to run an ad for his insurance agency. His vision for said ad is the name of their insurance agency, accompanied by a photo of a Molotov cocktail. Much like Peggy's Realtor, Randall wants to take advantage of the event for business purposes. This vision, he says, came to him, when he was visited by (no shit) the spirit of Dr. King. By a vision of Dr. King, he means, "I took a lot acid." Randall starts blathering about all the animals crying, Stan snickers and Don politely tells this hippie twat that SCDP isn't interested in this trite BS idea. Then Randall starts chanting in Cherokee. He does, however, make one lucid observation: That the heavens are telling us to change.

At home, Don's swilling Scotch and watching D.C. burn. Then Betty calls. Betty tells Don he forgot to pick up the kids. Again. Don tries to excuse it away by saying he didn't think he should bring the kids to the city because of the riots. Betty's retort is that Don would go to Canada on his knees to pick up his girlfriend. Bible, Betty, Bible. Preach. So Don has to schlep his drunk ass out to Betty's, pick up the kids, and then haul the impressionable youngsters through the NYC riots. Because Mom said so.

Our parents never loved us or each other. WTF did you expect?

The next morning, hungover Don Draper gets up and finds Megan getting the kids ready to go out to a vigil in memory of Dr. King. Due to the togetherness of this moment, Sally is being a brat to Bobby because he's watching TV and it's the Big Sister's job to aggressively enforce the younger sibling's punishment. Bobby doesn't want to go to the vigil, and Don asks Bobby what Betty said his punishment was supposed to be. Don resolves this with the simple solution of taking Bobby to the movies. See? Not TV. Problem solved. Draper takes Junior to see what else but The Planet of the Apes. Bobby has such a whiz-bang of a time watching a nihilistic feature film about humanity's destruction of itself that he wants to watch it again. Son, you couldn't have made your old man more proud. 

Don breaks down in front of Megan, and tells her he realizes that he does love Bobby. He didn't love any of the other Bobby Drapers, but he does love this one. This is a significant step for Don. He realizes that he does have the capacity to love someone and he doesn't have to go through life faking it, leaving a trail of ex-wives, discarded mistresses and fucked up children in his wake. Is there hope for Don Draper after all? Or is Don going to somehow fuck up this second chance and spend the rest of his life spiraling downward in a haze of alcohol, cigarettes and meaningless hook-ups until he is a mere shell of the slick cat Don Draper that was?

Once I was an ad exec with a wife and children. Now I operate an evil undersea secret lair. And am a cartoon.

At the Fat Betty Francis house, Henry expresses his displeasure with how the mayor handled the crisis. He reveals that there is a Republican New York Senate seat up for grabs, and Betty encourages him to run for office. What she doesn't realize -- but that Henry does -- is that her job as a Senate candidate's wife is to look pretty, meet people and smile for photos. Betty's elation fades when she understands that she will have to do a lot of socializing during the campaign, and she doesn't want to meet people looking the way she does. Henry thinks Betty is beautiful and wants to show her off, but Betty hates her body. In her final scene of this episode, she's standing in front of a mirror, holding a green formal gown up to her body. Longing creeps over her face as she realizes how much weight she will have to lose in order to feel attractive again. 

Remember when I was hot?

Dr. King is right. You must ask yourself what you are doing for others. But you first have to consider if you are doing enough to feel good about yourself. Self-loathing never done helped nobody. Sometimes the best thing you can do for other people is to do for yourself. #inspirationalbullshit 

Mad Men, children. Sundays at 10 p.m. Eastern on AMC.