Recapping AHS: Teaching an Old Head New Tricks

Second of two recaps! On the same day! Look how caught up I'm getting! Seriously, more coming soon. 

Everyone, remember back in the halcyon days when our fathers would take us on hunting trips in the woods and give us our first taste of coffee and show us what it meant to be a man? Yeah, that’s what Hank went through in 1991 when his father took him on his first hunt, calming his nerves and telling him that he won’t miss when the time comes because their family has been hunters for generations. And speaking of which, let’s go back us a witch! (you didn’t think this was about deer, did you?) Long story short, dear old dad and Hank hunted down a witch, which means a frightened young woman who lived alone in the hills but Hank couldn’t shoot her when she began to beg for her life, leaving that task to dad. “No mercy,” Hank was told. “Never forget what they are.”

In fairness, she's not doing herself any favors, presentation-wise.

In the modern day, Fiona has had it, you guys. She brings Delphine’s head, still in its box, to Marie’s hair parlor and demands that they talk. Sidebar, I kind of love how put out Jessica Lange plays this, as if another head in a box is just the errand she didn't want to have to deal with today. Delphine’s body is still in its cage in the back and waves at Fiona. Fiona tells Marie that she wants an alliance and for the Coven and the Tribe to join because the witch-hunters have arrived. Marie however sees this as their problem, one that’s likely to be taken care of sooner rather than later given that Fiona is clearly dying.

At the academy, Myrtle recalls Fiona bringing a young Cordelia to study at the academy and tells the adult version that she doesn’t want Cordelia to think that she’s the one who blinded her. Cordelia says she knows that Fiona set Myrtle up, but the witch-hunters are a bit higher priority right now kthanx.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Hank has gone to see his father at his “firm” Delphi Trust which is really a cover for their witch-hunting operations. Hank is dealing with some pseudo-sibling rivalry given that Dad, powerful corporate titan that he is, has given the second in command position to another person, David, instead of his son. Hank has been “sloppy” with New Orleans and aligning himself with Marie Laveau was not a smart plan. Dad has had to cover up the murder of Kaylee (turns out Hank used a credit card to book that hotel room. Fool.) and reveals that Delphi was actually behind the attack on Cordelia.

At the academy, Myrtle is holding a fancy dinner party just for her and the other two members of the council. The council members have “such terrible regrets” over the misunderstanding that resulting in her untimely burning and murder. This is all done over melon balls and other fineries, so it’s quite civilized. They want to know all about Misty. Myrtle draws a comparison to the persecution Misty has felt with her own, which she clearly places at the feet of the other council members. Halfway through a toast, the council members find themselves unable to move, Myrtle having laced the melon balls with monkswood which has caused paralysis. “it’s supposed to be quite terrifying,” Myrtle says. But she’s done this not for revenge, but for Cordelia, as she plunges the melon baller into each of their eyes.

If you've got to go in a horrific way, it may as well be with a crazy Francis Conroy yelling at you in a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Later, upstairs, Myrtle unwraps a bandage from Cordelia’s head to reveal that she now has two mismatched eyes, one brown and one blue, and has regained her ability to see, but lost her gift. Fiona is amazed to see what’s happened and wants to know who the donors were who gave up their eyes? Myrtle says they wish to be anonymous. Which is technically true, given that we see Myrtle earlier dismembered the bodies gleefully.

Zoe and Madison find Nan in the hospital, banned from Luke’s room by his mother. Mother tries to have them removed when they enter the room, but Nan begins to tell Mother what Luke is thinking, even despite being unconscious. Mother doesn’t believe her until Nan recounts stories that only Mother and Luke could know. Mother weepily allows Nan to stay with them.

Queenie meanwhile has taken it upon herself to engage Delphine’s head in a little “sensitivity training” in her bedroom by forcing Delphine, who can’t move due to having no body, to do nothing but watch Roots, Mandingo, The Color Purple, and B.A.P.S., the last of which definitely qualifies as torture and should reserve Queenie a place in The Hague for crimes against humanity. Delphine closes her eye and sings “Dixie” as loud as she can.

"I'm less moved by your pain and suffering, more frustrated that my nose has itched for the last two hours."

In his hotel room, Hank is suddenly wracked with pain when a man enters telling him that Marie Laveau sends her regards and will continue to do so unless the white witches die tonight. In the greenhouse, Misty and Cordelia listen to Stevie Nicks and mix up some muddy potions, bringing a long-dead plant back to life, when Hank appears, drunk, but visibly pleased that Cordelia has her sight back. Hank tells Cordelia that his life has no meaning without her and begs for her to take him back. Too late, Hank – Cordelia has already filed for divorce.

Gathering the last of his things upstairs, Hank is confronted by a snarling German Shepherd that Fiona has gotten for protection. Hank says that’s why he’s here, but Fiona mocks him. The dog notices something strange in one of the rooms and when Fiona opens the door she sees Kyle sitting on the floor reading a kid’s book. “Another goddamn boy,” Fiona mutters. “Jesus, these girls…” The dog licks Kyle’s face and Kyle, in return, completely drops a bridge on the adorable thing and snaps the dog’s neck. Note to the writers: As a German Shepherd owner THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! At any rate, the girls soon return home to find Fiona playing gin rummy with a very verbal Kyle, whom she has “spruced up”, and losing. Fiona has decided that Kyle is the best guard dog they could have.

I'm putting this here because fuck you, show - you do not get to add a German Shepherd only to have it die horribly literally once scene later. Not cool. 

At Luke’s hospital bed, Mother tells Nan that she’s a miracle and she can’t thank her enough. Nan has restored Mother’s faith in God. Nan relays that Luke is telling her that there is a God, but He’s judging Mother for having murdered Luke’s father which totally doesn’t come as a shock, right? I mean, the woman gave her son a forced chlorox enema because he talked to a girl. We're not dealing with someone who defaults to logic a lot. Mother insists that her husband died of an allergic reaction, but in a flashback we see that she killed him when she found out he was having an affair with a member of Mother’s book club. This pretty much kills any goodwill between Mother and Nan, obvi, and Mother orders Nan to leave the room, irrespective of whether or not Luke's consciousness is whispering truth-y things to her in her ear.

Actually, this was just them geeking out over the latest True Blood episode, but you get the point. 

At Marie Laveau’s, Queenie is plotting more ways to open Delphine’s bigoted mind when Hank suddenly bursts in, guns literally blazing. He murders each of Marie’s workers (all black, natch) one by one, including Queenie before heading to the back to take out Marie herself. Queenie not done herself, however, manages to get a gun, put it into her own mouth and shoot, causing Hank’s brains to blow out the back of his head.

Later, in his offices, Hank’s father weeps over pictures of his dead son. At the hospital, Luke finally begins to wake and weakly accuses his mother of murdering his father. “Go back to sleep,” she tells him, placing a pillow over his head and pushing down.

And at the Academy, the front door knocks. Fiona answers to see Marie, whom she invites in.  

And Now, A Very Special Episode About STDs

Apologies, all - I'm behind in the True Blood recaps. The first of two this week, summarizing the two most recent episodes. We're definitely moving into the second half of the season with this one as shit is starting to go down and we even lose a (mostly) major character. Without further ado...

Because there’s never a time when this show doesn’t like to start us directly in the middle of the action, we begin this time with Lafayette (who, you’ll remember, is possessed by the ghost of Sookie’s father) attempting to drown Sookie in a river to finish what he planned on doing all those years ago – kill her before she could be taken by vampires. True Blood logic, everybody! Anyway, Ben saves her before anything can happen and forces Mr. Stackhouse out of Lafayette with his faerie light. GhostDad was hoping for a nice reunion but he pretty much ruined that. Sookie tells Lafayette to tell him to get out of her life forever. So basically she’s doing the same thing all girls say to their fathers at some point, it’s just delayed by about ten years post-puberty. And, you know, drowning.

"Just saying. Father of the Year Award nomination? Off the table."

In VampireDome, Eric and Pam prepare to stare at each other to death. Pam is none too pleased that Eric sired another vampire, but puts that aside to help Eric kill the guards who are watching the room with their guns and seriously freaking out the Gov, Sarah and Steve Newlin who are watching. Take Away Message here: don’t pit Eric and Pam against each other. Bitches will literally eviscerate you.

Bill/Lilith is calling Ben to him/her. Sookie transports her and Ben to the magic faerie dimension that looks like it was shot through a 1970s gauze filter to keep them safe.  Bill, unable to bring Ben to him, gets his professor in the basement to drain him of almost all his blood in order to force a hallucinatory meeting with Lilith.

Jason, pursing a long line of unfortunate choices, is in the VTF recruiting office where he comes on a little strong even for these folk, expressing a significant desire to “fuck these fucking fangers up.” “Why don’t I just go through the interview checklist first,” the recruiter offers. Either way it goes well with Jason providing a litany of what he knows about vampires and the recruiter meeting eagerness in kind and deciding to fetch his supervisor for approval. “Racist fucks,” Jason mutters under his breath as the recruiter walks away.

You know what would be awesome? More time away from the Sam/Nicole plotline. Unfortunately, we’ve got more of it. Nicole wants Sam to face up to who he is, stop running away with Emma, blah blah blah. Sam is doubtful. Yuck. At any rate, Alcide finds his father in the motel that Sam and Nicole are staying in. Pops and one of the “were-bitches” have been, ahem, passing the time but tell him where to find Sam and Nicole. Alcide HULKSMASHs his way into their room, but Sam and Nicole have gone already.

In the faerie realm, Ben tells Sookie that he needs her to restrain him before the sun sets so that he won’t hurt her. Sookie complies, using vines and her magic light to tie him down. Ben meanwhile expresses regret that Sookie had to find out about what her parents were planning. The touching reconciliation could go farther, but he starts to vamp out.

This is so going to go in an S&M-y direction, isn’t it? 

Andy Bellefleur has a talk with his surviving daughter who is about ready for a real name, especially because being called Number Four is kind of an uncomfortable reminder about what happened to the other three. He decides to give her the name Adilyn Braelin Charlene Danica, one name for each sister.

Lafayette is trying to recover from his possession-a-thon with the best way he knows how – copious drugs and crafting. 

For realz. 

He’s interrupted by Terry, who appears shaken (we know why) and gives Lafayette the key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette, rightly, knows something’s up but accepts the key and a very awkward hug from Terry. He also calls Arlene to let her know that her husband is wicked unstable. Arlene panics, worried that Terry will try to kill himself out of guilt from the war. Holly suggests using a vampire to glamour Terry into forgetting about what happened in Iraq, perhaps asking her son’s friend’s dad’s husband who is a vampire. “He owes me one,” she tells Arlene, picking up the phone to call before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “they’re gay!” And see, True Blood, when you write shit like this it makes me want to fall in love with you all over again.

Sookie is getting the low-down from Ben – he was born in 3532 BC, turned in 3500 BC and he’s been waiting for her the entire time. Uh huh. “So, how did you think this was going to go?” Sookie asks, pointing out that showing up with a contract roughly 6,500 years after becoming a vampire and demanding that she be his faerie bride may not go over like gangbusters and you’d think six thousand years of planning would have yielded something a little more graceful. Like flowers and a box of chocolates, or something. Ben tells her that the contract was arranged in the 17^th century, but he’ll tear it up if she wants him to. He despises that Lilith made him a vampire and if Sookie was with him, it would be okay because with Sookie also a faerie vampire, they’d only need each other’s blood.

At the VampCamp, the Gov is getting smug over Eric being put to the True Death. He brings in Nora as a bargaining chip, saying he’ll kill her to make Eric understand what it feels like to lose someone close to him like the Gov feels now that Eric has “killed” Willa. The Gov’s scientist inject Willa with something they call “Hepatitis V”, which can be spread sexually, hence all that experimental vampire lab sex. They leave them both chained and facing each other.   

I really wanted this scientists to have a fake stereotypical German accent, but alas. He was American. 

Bill, through the help of blood loss, is able to meet with Lilith who tells him that The Tyrant took Jessica and “The Blonde” took their salvation and basically Bill is the biggest disappointment she’s seen which, given her age, you have to admit is saying something. Lilith warns him not to come to her again and instead he needs to grow a pair, man up and act.

Sam meanwhile has called Martha, Emma’s grandmother, to come get her provided that she’ll be kept safe from the Pack. Martha tells Sam that she’s left the Pack and seems genuinely grateful. Sam says what is probably supposed to be a heart-rending goodbye to Emma, but honestly since we’ve only spent like three minutes of screen-time on these two together this season, it’s hard to muster the tears. Later, Alcide catches up with them and gets pissed to see that Emma has already been taken away. Sam calls Alcide out, tells him to stop being a dick or come at him already. Alcide tells Sam to leave town if he knows what’s good for him and that Alcide may not kill Sam, but he won’t stop his pack from doing it.

Arlene and Holly welcome in the gay vampire (conservatively, but fashionably dressed, btw) to hypnotize Terry. Arlene asks the vampire to ensure that Terry remembers nothing about the war and only remembers his family and his civilian life. Finally, a life of happiness and contentment can be theirs!

"I'm sure our long-fought struggle for emotional and familial stability will in no way be undermined by actions one of us has taken without consulting the other."

Jason is regaling the VTF with his war stories about Rambo-ing the Authority last season when Sarah enters the room. Jason admits to her privately that he’s getting Jessica out and if she tattles on him, he’ll reveal her secrets as well. Willa, meanwhile, demands that her father put her with the rest of the vampires instead of solitary, despite the Gov’s insistence that she needs to be kept safe so that they can “fix” her.  

As Bill rejoins the land of the somewhat living, news hits that the Gov has made an agreement with the makers of True Blood to start up production again. Bill fears time has run out and swallows Ben’s blood, allowing him to go outside in the daylight for the first time in 150 years.

In creepy emotionally abusive news, Sarah Newlin isn’t about to take Jason’s threats laying down. Unlike everything else of his that she’s taken in that position. (hey-o!) She arranges for Jason to observe the vampire’s “copulation study” process from behind a one-way mirror. Naturally, one of the two subjects is Jessica. Her “study partner” is just as squicked out, insisting that he’s a vampire, not a rapist. He is hit with bursts of sunlight for protesting. Jessica sobs and tells him just to have sex with her to spare him, but the vampire with the heart of gold refuses. Sarah orders Jessica removed from the room.

At Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, Terry has a new lease on life and Arlene couldn’t be happier. Life is good! Terry gleefully going about his job, cleaning up the kitchen and taking the trash out. Which is when the shot rings out. Arlene runs outside to see Terry shot through the neck and bleeding out on the ground. She holds Terry to her as Terry slowly dies in her arms. Okay, I know I said I was tired of this plot last time, but man. Harsh.

Damn. That's cold, brah. 

The Gov is conducting a dramatic reading of the Bible when Bill invades his compound, wooden bullets flying right through him without harming him. Bill uses his new abilities to make all the guards shoot each other and demands that Gov tell him about the room where all the vampires are executed by the sunlight. The Gov doesn’t want to play, refusing information and saying that Bill killing him will just turn him into a martyr for the cause. “Cut off my head and another grows in its place,” the Gov warns. Bill decides to take his chances…and literally rips the Gov’s head off.

"Alas, poor Yorrick..."

Nora isn’t looking too good, the Hep V disease working into her system. Eric summons Willa from the common room, who glamours the pervy guard who tried to her to blow him last time into  taking her to the room Eric and Nora are being held. Eric and Nora dress in guard and doctor clothes and pretend to take Willa hostage in order to flee the facility, but Willa insists they get Tara and Jessica as well. In the search, Eric discovers that the facility is the True Blood bottling plant and that the scientists have been contaminating the new True Blood supply with Hep V. 

In the spirit of truthful things, Sookie is still talking with Ben and confessing that she knows that everyone in town thinks she is “a danger whore.” Ben snarks that he’s had the same problem, why do you think he lived alone for thousands of years? Sookie wonders if they’re right, given that she’s developed feelings for Ben and she’s at least finally aware that she’s got a pattern going. Then, to prove the point, she offers her blood to Ben, knowing he needs to feed. Him biting her leads to her biting him which leads to her removing Ben’s pants which leads the hot sweaty sexytime. As the two grind each other, they both begin to glow.

Offered without comment. 

She's Just Not That Into You

Picking up right where we left off last episode, Psychotown’s Finest are on the case, arriving several minutes after the nick of time to stop the psychotic child sex trafficker on the force who just tried to kill the Bates family. Good on ya, PD. As the Sheriff rolls into the parking lot, he sees Shelby’s body and Dylan holding the gun. “We’d better talk,” he says. We cut to sometime later with Mother having just finished telling the entire story to the Sheriff. “Now you know it all,” she says. The Sheriff is apparently not as pure as he seems, because he instantly agrees to go along with a fake story whereby they all pretend that the Sheriff has long suspected Shelby was dirty and Shelby killed Keith and the Sheriff is the hero in everything. Dylan ain’t pleased, which is understandable since he’s the one who actually stopped the raving madman, but Mother and Norman are just thrilled to be not under indictment.

Some indeterminate time later, Norman and Bradley make tender passionate love like the experienced sexers they are has a wet dream about making tender passionate love just as mother enters the room to wake him up in the morning. The motel is opening in seven days and Mother wants them to be ready now that all the Shelby mess is behind them. Sidebar, Norman plays out this entire scene with his blankets specifically draped over his lap. Well done, actor!

"Would you be comfortable if I called you 'mother' while we do this?"

Norman repairs a trellis at Mother’s request when he discovers a wee, angry dog underneath the porch. He tries to coax it out with a donut, but the dog makes a break for it and runs.

In the house, Mother cooks Dylan a lovely breakfast, arousing Dylan’s suspicions. Mother seems like she’s honestly trying to just thank him for, you know, getting shot saving them and all and seems genuinely hurt when Dylan says he’s still planning on moving out. Mother throws a temper tantrum over a trash bag, which Dylan all but wrestles away from her to help her out. Taking the trash to the dumpster, a swanky car pulls up to the motel. A dapper man asks what has happened to the motel and where he can find Keith Summers before speeding off when he learns that Summers is dead.

In school, Norman walks RIGHT PAST EMMA to go to Bradley, who is back at school and surrounded by her Super Model handlers who have literally done her homework for her while she was gone. When Norman asks if he can see her later, Bradley just kinda shrugs. Norman, you just got PWNED!

Mother puts on her nicest business suit and heads to a restaurant to ask them to help promote the Bates Motel. The manager instantly shuts Mother down, saying she doesn’t like to associate with certain businesses. Mother is confused until the manager explains that everyone in town knows about Shelby being shot there and the missing/dead Chinese girl. Small town life, everyone knows everyone else’s shit, nothing to be done about it.

"So, you're telling me the three dead people on my property in less than a month might be a deterrent to success?"

That night at the motel, Mother notices the dapper man from earlier trying to get into room 9 with an old key. He tells her that he has had a standing weeklong reservation for this room every other month. Mother offers to give him the room, eager for a customer.  Dylan notices him from earlier in the morning and is worried. When Dylan asks him for his license, the man tells him they should already have it on file. Dylan feigns ignorance, new system, etc. Dylan “casually” questions the man, who says he comes to town on “sales” and pays in cash rather than giving a credit card. Meanwhile Mother, smarting from what the local business folk have said, is trying to scrub the blood out of their steps at the spot where Shelby died. Actually, kinda starting to see the townspeople’s hesitation about this place, now that I think on it. And yes, this is a scene about Mother trying to “get blood from out of a stone.” Jesus, writers – we get it.

The next day, Bradley approaches Norman and Dylan buying supplies. Bradley mentions that her mom is out of town so she’s alone, but also says that she’s heard that Dylan is working for Gil now, who used to work with her dad. Man, Bradley. You do not do “casual” well at all.  Dylan puts two and two together, however, and figures Bradley’s up to something and it’s not just booty calls with Norman that she’s embarrassed to tell her friends about.

Emma is not going to take Norman’s snubbing lying down. She shows up at the house and Mother invites her in. When Mother goes to fetch Norman, Norman asks her to say that he’s sick and can’t come down. Emma, the resident wounded puppy dog, blames the tears in her eyes on allergies, arousing Mother’s sympathies. Mother asks Emma to come with her to help her on an errand for the motel. In the car, Mother tells her that Norman is “going through something” right now but not to worry he’ll get over it. “Between us,” Emma tells her, “I go to school with ‘it’ and I don’t think he’s getting over her.” Oh shit. See that bag, the one that used to have a cat in it? Emma may be non-threatening to Mother, but the same can’t be said about someone Emma describes as “the prettiest girl in the school.” Emma offers to point her out at her yoga class downtown, which is conveniently right by where they need to go on their errand. Mother is SO NOT STEALTHY in checking out Bradley at her class. Mother begins to imagine fantasies of Norman and Bradley having all kind of porn-y, S&M sex with nipple licking and lights swinging around right under her roof. (I’m not exaggerating, this seriously is something the show filmed.) Mother is, in short, taking this a lot harder than Emma.

"Let's be friends, so that you can better help me to manipulate my son and your affections."

Back at the motel, Norman is hanging up the welcome sign (literally) and trying to woo the dog from earlier with cookies that he’s set out, despite Mother telling him not to attract strays. Norman tries to get Mother to let him keep the dog, saying it’s what normal families do. Mother reluctantly agrees as long as Norman takes care of it. That’s when Mother decides to give Norman “The Talk” out of the blue. When the polite route doesn’t work, Mother lays it out: “you don’t know that girl well enough to be screwing her,” she tells him. Mother almost erotically tells Norman about what happens in woman’s body during and after sex and he shouldn’t be dabbling around in that. Also, Mother says she’s hired Emma to help out, so have fun with that obstacle that I’ve just given you. This leads to a fight when Norman insists that Bradley is his girlfriend, even though they’ve only talked twice since having sex and Bradley is a special flower who’s just dealing with her dad being dead which is why she’s not answering any of his texts and then he storms out. (As a total sidebar, I haven’t really said enough about how great Vera Farmiga is at playing Mother – she really nails the manipulative smoothness that Mother has in this scene and it’s frankly a lot of fun to watch her.)

Norman goes to Bradley’s house to talk to her and you just know this isn’t going to go well. Norman gives a long passionate speech about how he knows how much they mean to each other and how great their soft-focus early 80s-music video style sex scene was and he knows she feels the same and she should break up with Richard (remember him?) and God, it’s like watching the cliff approaching while the car is stuck at 90mph. When Bradley tells him, honestly in a very adult, mature way, that she’s flattered but she really doesn’t feel the same way, Norman runs off, causing her to run after him. She finds him a block away, walking with a creepy blank look on his face reciting Mother’s earlier words about Bradley’s low behavior verbatim. “I don’t think you’re a nice girl,” he tells her menacingly.

Might want to avoid taking any showers around this kid, I think...

Back at the motel, the dapper man comes upon Mother working late in the office. He tells her that he likes her changes to the motel and offers to put out the word about her place with “all the business contacts” that he has in the area. He asks for the same business arrangement that he had with Keith, where he books every room for the first week of every other month. “Is that for all the other people you work with?” Mother naively asks. Yes, Mother. That’s totally it. Sheesh. For a murderer, you really don’t have any instincts, do you?

Norman arrives back at the motel to see the dog waiting for him across the street. He calls for the dog to come to him and when the dog does the show totally drops a bridge on the poor mangy thing in the form of a suddenly speeding car. And yes, the camera shows us everything. If you have any kind of sensitivity to animals dying, this is NOT the scene for you to watch. Norman breaks down as Mother arrives, telling her that he was wrong about Bradley. He decides to bring the dog’s body to Emma’s father because he can "fix dead things." That he's saying this to Mother is doubly creepy, since we all know what eventually is going to happen to her.