Wheel of Time: Winter Dragon

Yesterday my Facebook feed began blowing up with news of the Wheel of Time pilot tv episode that was going to air overnight on FX or one its sister channels. This was news to me--I've been a long time fan of the Wheel of Time book series (written by Robert Jordan and finished by Brandon Sanderson after Jordan's death), but I hadn't heard anything about a tv show in the works.

I did some poking around on the internet and on the FX website, but couldn't find anything confirming that a Wheel of Time pilot was going to air. I went to bed without giving it another thought. 

And then! When I woke in the morning it was to the news that the pilot episode had aired, but in the middle of the night on FXX, under the guise of paid programming. So what does it all mean?

Well, to make a long story short (too late), the company that owns the film and tv rights to Wheel of Time was going to lose them on Wednesday, February 11, 2015 unless some action was taken. In order to prevent the rights from lapsing back to the Jordan Estate, the company quickly and on a shoestring budget produced a 15 minute "pilot" episode they dubbed Winter Dragon. Buy some air time on a little viewed cable channel and BOOM. You get to keep your media rights and hopefully sell them to someone for huge amounts of money in the post-Game of Thrones fantasy market. While it's not clear if the gambit will be successful, you can catch the "pilot" on You Tube or at the blog linked to above. 

In case you don't have 15 minutes of spare time sitting around (there's about 10 minutes of commercials to pad it out to 30 minutes), never fear, dear readers, because I have watched the episode and am happy to report my thoughts!

First of all, let's not call this a pilot. It's more of a prequel or an introduction. In fact, it only covers some of the prologue of the first book, and even then leaves out a lot. The show is basically Lews Therin Telamon (the Dragon) wandering around his mansion looking for his family in a madness-induced fugue. He keeps bumping into Ishamael, the right-hand man of the story's Dark Lord, who is like, "Dude, you are so crazy. You know you killed your family, right? But me and the Dark Lord can totally bring them back if you join us." Lews Therin finally comes to his senses (when Ishamael heals him) and decides to kill himself instead.

There's some other stuff, including a somewhat nifty voiceover before and after the action takes place, but all in all...not a lot happens. Unless you could the revelation that it is BILLY FUCKING ZANE playing Ishamael.

DON'T LOOK SO SMUG, BILLY.

The script isn't terrible, the acting isn't terrible, it isn't even bad. It's just kind of there. It's just...completely unnecessary. I'm not going to worry/freak out/expend any more mental energy on it. I think this is just one of those weird things that happens when you're dealing with media rights and if something ends up coming of it, well, I'll withhold judgment until then. I always thought of the Wheel of Time as basically unfilmable, but with the success of Game of Thrones, who knows? 

"The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the First Age by some, called today by others, there was a secret 30 minute Wheel of Time based episode, put on in the middle of the night. Called Winter Dragon, the episode was a bit of a mixed bag." From io9.

Recapping AHS: Something Witchy This Way Comes

We’re back, everyone! We’ve all suffered through/enjoyed a long year without turning on our television sets and watching Jessica Lange and Company do something that makes us say “dafuq?” out loud. What say we end that streak, shall we? Read on for the recap for the first episode of American Horror Story: Coven.

Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?

Picture it. New Orleans. 1834. None other than Madame Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) is introducing her three daughters to some eligible gentlemen at a society ball.  They’re all prizes, with the possible exception of the youngest. “Perhaps my talents are in the boudoir,” the youngest daughter snarks. Right out the gate, AHS.  Later that night, Madame is coating her face with blood and complaining that it isn’t fresh enough to reverse the signs of aging like she’s accustomed to when one of her servants breaks the news that the slutty daughter has been caught making Victorian-era whoopee with Bastien, a slave, though Bastien swears it was her who came on to him. Oh Bastien. This is the pre-war South. And did you read that Wikipedia entry about how LaLaurie treated her slaves? This isn’t going to go well for you, my friend.  Madame has Bastien brought to her attic, which is stuffed to the gills with slaves who have been tortured. It’s grotesque – some have broken and warped bodies, others have their skin peeled off their faces.

“You want to behave like a beast,” she tells Bastien, “We’re going to treat you like one.” She has the hollowed out head of a bull placed over Bastien’s head like a mask while she pontificates on how she always loved the story of the Minotaur.

Man, that reparations argument is just getting stronger and stronger.

To the modern day! We meet Zoe (Taissa Farmiga, who played Violet in season 1), a teenage girl with an eye toward love, or at least scoring with a boy that she’s brought back to her house to make sweet, tender, first-time love with since her parents don’t get home until 6pm. It’s going exactly as losing your virginity should, right up until the boy begins to bleed from his eyes. And then from everywhere else as he hemorrhages in front of her. Bummer.

Zoe’s mother explains to her that turns out she’s a witch and not to worry, grandmother was the same way, but it’s really time to get this looked after. And so Zoe is transported (by train, natch) from her home to Miss Robichaux’s, a school in New Orleans for young witches in the company of an OMGYOUGUYSSERIOUSLYAMAZING Mrytle Snow (Played in campy, crazy goodness by Frances Conroy) who talks with a Mid-Atlantic accent and says things like, “I’m simply MAD about Tartan” while admiring Zoe’s drapes. She’s also with two albino black men, because why not?

Oh yeah. I can work with this. 

Witchcraft, it turns out, is not always predictable. “It doesn’t show up in every family member,” Zoe voiceover’s. “Like my cousin, Amanda. She’s just bulimic.” It’s happened often enough though that the witches from old Salem Towne got out of dodge when things got rough and fled to New Orleans to train new witches in peace. Even in the 17^th century, everyone from up north went to Mardi Gras, apparently.

Zoe arrives at the sprawling completely creepy mansion that is Miss Robichaaux’s. As she enters, the albinos and the crazy campy woman vanish behind her. Doors open on their own, creeking, etc. etc, leading me to doubt this school’s accreditation. Zoe is suddenly ambushed by three figures in black robes and masks who throw her to the ground and bring down a knife to stab her before pulling back to reveal themselves as the three other students of the school. I guess this was, like, her hazing or something? Man, just have her drink a bunch of shots and then circle the parts of her thighs that are too fat like all other civilized co-eds.

Roll call! There’s Madison (Emma Roberts), the Hollywood movie star who is also a telekinetic. Next is Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), the human voodoo doll. Finally, there’s Nan (Jamie Brewer, who played Addie in season 1), a clairvoyant. The entire place is run by Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), who explains that the school started off innocently enough in the 18^th century, but was acquired by witches in the 19^th century to train young witches, usually with classes around 60 women, but now most of the witches have died out. Cordelia explains that most witches have one or two gifts, but in every generation there is a Supreme who has all of them. As an object lesson in safety and needing to keep hidden, Cordelia tells the girls about another girl who was killed just a month ago not far from the city, a girl named Misty Day (Lily Rabe, who’s played more drunk socialites and possessed nuns than anyone on this show) who had the power to return dead things to life. Sadly, Misty was also a member of a snake-handling Christian group, who saw her gif t as less Holy Revelation, more Work of the Devil and burned Misty alive. (Fear not - Lily Rabe is listed as a lead character this season. Betting she’s coming back.) The point is, from Cordelia’s perspective, keep your heads down if you want to survive, girls.

Still better looking than Dumbledore...

In Los Angeles, we meet Cordelia’s mother, Fiona (Jessica Fuckin’ Lange), who is meeting with a researcher conducting cutting edge work on drugs to reverse aging. Fiona is impressed with the researcher’s work and wants to know when she can get in on the drug that her late husband’s money entirely funded. The researcher isn’t too excited about jumping the queue into human trials. “What we do here is not magic,” he tells her. Heh.

Regardless, Fiona is apparently successful in her argument. Five days later, she is in her penthouse apartment getting high and dancing to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (‘Cause wouldn’t you!?!) and getting pissed that she has yet to revert to the body of an 18 year old. She summons the researcher to demand more drugs, but he has nothing to give her. “We’re organic matter,” he says. “We rot and we die.” Not in Fiona’s plans, apparently, as she causes all the windows and doors to fly closed and lock and moves in on the researcher, kissing him passionately. He struggles, but gives in as he slowly begins to wither in her arms. When she’s done, he’s a dehydrated corpse who has aged 50 years and Fiona is looking stunning, young and beautiful. For a few moments, at least. She reverts quickly back to her older body, disgusted with herself.

Dinner at Hogwarts. Madison is mocking the butler, who looks exactly like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror and apparently is missing a tongue. Seriously. Can’t wait for that backstory. The four girls alternately snark each other and ask what they’re in for. Madison is there because she “accidently” killed a director who gave her a bad note that she didn’t like. It’s not long before the girls start using their powers on each other before cooler heads prevail and two of them stalk off. Madison informs Zoe that they’re going to a frat party tonight.

Cordelia is apparently skilled at potions and tinctures and is relaxing by brewing up some new concoctions in her garden/lab when Fiona surprises her. Fiona is disappointed that Delia has never lived up to her full potential – Fiona is the Supreme and Delia could be so much more than a teacher. Fiona has come back to New Orleans because she heard about Misty and fear that “this is Salem all over again.” She wants Delia to teach the girls how to fight, not to cower, and she’s come back to do just that, even if that means mother and daughter having to live under the same roof again. It’s bad enough for any adult child to hear that from a parent, just imagine if that parent was the most powerful witch in the modern age? Goes a long way to explaining why Delia is single.

Time for the frat party. There’s a keg bus, natch, and inside Frat President Kyle (Evan Peters, also returning from seasons 1 and 2) is explaining to his brothers how much fun they can have at this party without getting their charter revoked after some unfortunate disciplinary action by their university. Have to say, so far this is the part of the episode I most believe is accurate. Anyway, the frat brothers descend just as Madison and Zoe do as well. Horny Frat Boy #1 has his eyes on Madison, but Frat Boy With A Heart of Gold Kyle is taken with Zoe. Ah, the sweet sting of young love, which is never felt clearer than when two eyes meet through the ice luge at a Sig Eps rager.

"So, my vagina kills. That's what the writers gave me this season. Get abducted by any aliens lately or shoot up any schools on your way here?"

Madison, meanwhile, is Mean Girl-ing it up. She spots Horny Frat Boy and demands that he get her a drink and be her slave for the night. He willingly agrees. Know what you shouldn’t really do? Ask a morally bankrupt frat boy to mind your drinks. It takes all of five minutes before Madison is roofied out the wazoo and the entire bus of frat brothers are gang raping her in one of the rooms upstairs. This is AHS, guys. You know rape was coming sooner or later. Never change, AHS. It’s only interrupted when Kyle discovers them after Zoe asks for his help finding Madison. The Frat Boys flee back to the bus, pursued by Kyle. The brothers knock Kyle out and begin to drive the keg bus away from the party just as Zoe tries to chase it down in vain. But you know what the one thing worse than a bunch of rapey frat boys are? When their victim is a witch who is also telekinetic. Madison causes the bus to flip into the air, crashing back down and exploding.

The next morning, the girls are having breakfast when Fiona breezes into the room bemoaning “college boys taken in the prime of their lives. But then, the world’s not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy shirts.” Fiona tells Madison that was fine work, but she was sloppy. She’s taking them all on field trip to start their new instruction.

Madeline: The Adult Version

She brings them through the French Quarter giving the girls history of the underground covens of New Orleans. “When witches don’t fight, we burn,” she advises them. They’re distracted, though, when Nan wanders off to the house of Madame LaLaurie, which still stands in New Orleans despite being once owned by Nicholas Cage (true story) and the haunted tour that’s going on inside. Fiona glamours the docent into letting them in for free and we all get a magical mystery tour of exposition.

Madame LaLaurie apparently tried to fight age and keep herself young and fresh by creating poultices from the pancreases of her slaves, ripped out of them while alive.  That is, until the day she was approached by Marie Laveau (played here by Angela Bassett), who offered her a love potion that would ensure her husband’s fidelity. Madame drank Laveau’s concoction, but as anyone could guess, it was a poison, not a love potion. Turns out that slave that was turned into the Minotaur? He was Marie’s lover and she extracted her revenge. To this day, Madame LaLarie’s body has never been found. It’s then that Fiona notices Nan staring suspiciously at the backyard. “What do you hear?” Fiona asks her. “The lady of the house,” Nan replies.

I personally can't wait for the scene when she learns about the Civil Rights Act.

Zoe meanwhile has taken a detour to the hospital to see which of the frat boys survived the crash and hoping that one of the two survivors is Kyle. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Yeah, life’s a bitch – it’s the guy who was leading all the raping. And so Zoe makes a choice – her vagina has the power to kill, after all. All it takes is a little hand job for the unconscious rapey frat boy followed by a quick mounting and it’s hemorrhages all around!

That night, Fiona has paid two workers to dig up the backyard of Madame LaLaurie’s house and they have found a suspiciously human-sized box in the ground. She glamours the workers into forgetting her and opens the wooden casket to find a still hale and healthy looking Madame LaLaurie, quivering and shaking and bound in chains. “Come on, Mary Todd Lincoln,” Fiona says as she frees her. “I’ll buy you a drink.”

So, right off the bat we’re away from the muted tones and repressive feeling of season two’s Asylum. This is all glamour and camp and a whole lotta lady power, maybe as an antidote to the amount of violence done to the female characters last season? As someone who personally doesn’t find witches all that frightening, I’ll have to see how scary this season gets. MaggieCats will also have to update us on any of her Pillow of Fear moments, but for right now all I’m stuck on is, “needs more Angela Bassett.”

MOAR ANGELA!!! MOAR!!!!

Vampires and Existentialism

Hello, Fangbaners! Welcome to season six of True Blood. In case you’re new to the show and want a summary of what’s gone before, here’s my write up. Fair warning, from here on out I’m either going to assume that you’ve been watching the show and don’t need to be caught up on five years of history or you just don’t care. Do join me!

TL;DR: Bill returns as something halfway vampire, halfway other and destroys what’s left of the Vampire Authority (and that stupid plotline) but still doesn't know what he is now.  Tara hearts Pam. Pam says she doesn’t heart Tara. Both are probably wrong.  Alcide becomes Packmaster and has his pick of the ladies. The Governor of Louisiana cracks down on vampires, but maybe definitely has a secret agenda. Eric gives Sookie back her home and searches for an answer to how Bill is connected to Warlow, the vampire that killed Sookie and Jason’s parents. Sookie swears for the umpeenth time that she just wants a normal life.

We pick right up where we left off with naked, bloody Bilith, the unholy union of Bill and Lilith, the first vampire, rising from his own pile of deconstituted goo to a terrified Eric and Sookie. This is all done “Bill Cam” style, btw. Eric and Sookie run away through the headquarters of the Vampire Ministry of Exposition but can’t get out before Bilith shuts down the power.  Things are looking dire as Bill-Cam speeds through the building looking for our other heroes, Pam, Tara, Jessica, Jason and Nora. Jason talks tough about his accuracy shooting the mean vampires coming at them with wooden bullets, saying he’s had a lot of practice “killing your kind” until Nora reminds him that she’s, oh, about two thousand years older than he is and she’s had a bit more practice killing his, so maybe lets just stop measuring our dicks and get out of the evil death trap building, okay? Nora gets the ragtag team out just as Sookie and Eric commandeer a sweet SUV. As they start to speed away, Bilith emerges from the flames of the destroyed Vampire Ministry of Religious Overzealousness before flying, still naked and bloody, off into the sky.

"But Mommy, why was that naked bloody man so angry?" "Because drugs, Sweetie."

The gang speeds away, hopefully not with Bill following them like, as Jason says it, “a naked, evil Superman.” Fortuitously, just at that time, Vampire NPR is carrying a live press conference on the radio from the governor of Louisiana (New character! Because we didn’t have enough!) announcing that he’s not life-ist or anything, but this “vamper” menace has got to stop and even though they’re “citizens” or whatever, he’s instituting a state-wide vampire curfew and recommending that everyone in the state buy a gun. I don’t know which I love more – that he’s announcing in an outdoor press conference at night instead of during the daylight that the state of Louisiana will no longer tolerate vampires or that when fleeing for their lives, the radio station of choice for Eric and Sookie is talk radio. Anyway, Jason is pretty thrilled with the Gov’s hardline take, leading to the entire car giving Jason his first “SHUT UP, JASON” of this season.

Eric pulls the car over to talk to Nora privately about whether or not there’s anything in the Vampire Bible about Lilith being resurrected into a modern body, but Nora says there’s nothing in this, but clearly Bill needs to be destroyed. Jessica is not pleased with the suggestion and vamps away. Pam meanwhile pouts on the beach (actual line: “I hate the beach. Fish piss and sand in your cooch.”) about Eric not ever telling her about Nora, leading Tara to try to comfort her. Oh Tara. You stopped dating men because you kept picking the bad ones who were emotionally unavailable and/or literal monsters. Good to see your patterns are the same now that you’re into chicks.

On another part of the beach, Jessica and Sookie bond over the fact that they both still love Bill, albeit in different ways, and they’re both afraid of what he’s become. Sookie says they need to let him go and that Jessica will never be alone as long as she’s around.

Literally the only two women on this show who have not yet made out with each other.

Nora decides to glamour Jason to learn more about Warlow, the vampire of mystery that we learned last season is the one who murdered Jason and Sookie’s parents and who is mentioned in the Vampire Bible as being progeny of Lilith. Glamouring Jason is not a smart idea though, because when he comes out of it and realizes what Nora has done he’s just more pissed off.  Jason threatens to shoot both Nora and Tara until Sookie steps between them, forcing Jason to run off, referring to Sookie as dead to him for sticking up for vampires.

Just then, Jessica is suddenly “summoned” by Bill. Jessica feels a powerful urge to go to his side and when Eric tries to stop her, she immediately begins to vomit blood all over him. (Eric, dryly: “Lovely.”) Sookie convinces Eric to let her take Jessica to Bill, despite the danger, because its clearly tearing Jessica apart. Eric and Nora sly off leving Pam and Tara to manage for themselves.

Meanwhile, on National Geographic: Earth the werewolf camp, the wolves are pulling apart their former Packmaster and bringing Alcide the severed human arm for him to eat, which he must do if he wants to become Packmaster. Alcide looks a little non-plussed about it, but what they hey – at least it’s not a full horse heart. Also, because he’s now Packmaster, there are a line of sexy weregirls who are “proud to serve” him. The wolves all decide to go for a frisky naked run through the forest, because apparently that’s just what you do on a Tuesday night.

At the Bellefleur home, Andy is still understandably freaked out about suddenly being the father to four newborn half-faerie babies after knocking up that faerie girl in the woods only, like, a week ago. Awesome waitress Arlene lays down the law and tells him to face up to his responsibilities. Andy is terrified because he doesn’t know how to care for one baby, much less four. Arlene softens a bit and tells him that every good parent is freaked out, now get in here and help but these diapers on. Arlene's right, although in Andy’s defense at least most parents have, like, a few months to think about the consequences of their sexy hookup in a field with a mysterious vanishing hot girl.

What to expect when you're expecting half faerie monster babies.

Elsewhere, a mortally-wounded Luna (don’t remember her? Don’t worry, she’s not around long) manages to get literally three lines in before dying, asking Sam to care for her daughter. Sam agrees and makes off with little Whatshername, taking her to Merlott’s. He thinks he hears someone in the darkness, but it’s just Lafayette, “holding down the fort.” “You mean drinking all my tequila,” Sam accuses. “Sobering up on the floor. Hell, drunk driving kills,” Lafayette responds, proving yet again why he’s awesome. Little Whatshername confesses sadly that her mom is dead and she’s hungry. Lafayette offers her “something deep fried, dipped in sugar and then deep fried all over again.”

Jason is making his way back to town in the dark when a car rambled by and offers him a ride. Who is driving? It’s Rutger Hauer, boys and girls! Gee, no way he’s going to turn out to not be Warlow someone important. To Jason’s credit, he at least realizes that this guy is a little off for not being freaked out by Jason being covered in blood and keeps his gun at the ready.

At La Casa de Bill, Jessica is being pulled inside. Sookie manages to grab a stick that she fashions into a stake just in case. They make their way to the upstairs verandah (this is Louisana. Of course there’s a verandah.) to find an utterly normal looking Bill sitting waiting for them who “just wants to talk.” Eric and Nora attempt a sneak attack, but Bill is much faster then them, even pulling out the stake that Sookie manages to plunge directly into his heart. Bill tells them that he’s not sure what he is, but he’s more than he ever was. Sookie insists that he’s not Bill, saying she felt him die. Sookie wants Bill to leave Bon Temps forever, but Jessica stands up for her Maker, telling the others to leave and that Bill can stay as long as he wants and the rest of them need to leave.

In new plot development time, the Governor meets with a representative of the True Blood production company at an abandoned bottling plant. The Governor wants to “bail out” the company by giving them the bottling plant free to start making True Blood again. Despite his political blustering, he claims to be interested solely in restoring the peace, which can be done with vampires back to having their True Blood and back to paying taxes like regular people. He referrs to himself as not “the new Big Bad” (ha! Joss Whedon humor!) and strikes a deal.

He's a politician, so it's possible his as-yet unrevealed superpower is lying.

In the woods, Alcide and one of the nameless naked werewolf ladies have sex when they are interrupted by Alcide’s other naked werewolf lady who’s kind into threeways, it turns out. She’s okay with Alcide doing what he has to go because she’s very GGG, but tells him to never for get that she’s his “number one bitch.” This, btw, is going to be your only sexy naked actors and actresses scene this episode, so enjoy it, people.

"Oh Yeah. It's good to be the Packmaster."

At Fangtasia, Tara tries to emo Pam into admitting that she actually has feelings and maybe some of those are for Tara herself. Pam lays it all out there, though and tells Tara that this isn’t going to be one of those lay in the meadow and gaze into each other’s eyes while admiring their sculpted marble bodies and not having sex before marriage kind of vampire love stories.

It kind of kills me that my browser history is going to have this image in it now.

Aaaand that’s when the National Guard arrives to shut down Fangtasia on Executive Order of the Governor to shut down all vampire-run businesses. Tara tries to defend her woman and gets shot by the guard for her trouble, causing actual distress in Pam and possibly undoing her own argument.

Eric escorts Sookie home, marveling that she would stake Bill to save him, a far cry from where the two of them were at the start of this whole series. Eric is feeling gracious and offers to return the lease to Sookie’s house back to her, removing his rights to it and restoring it to her. Sookie is genuinely touched and tells him that she wants her life back and for things to be the way they were. Which is why she’s taking back his invitation to her house, which is supposed to be sad but leads to a really cheesy effect that involves Eric looking like he’s been placed on a conveyer belt and carted out the door for bottling by either Laverne or Shirley. Outside the house, Eric tells Nora that Sookie stays out of this going forward. Nora isn’t convinced, to say the least.

"Schlemeel, Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated..."

At the Bellfluer house, the little half fairy babies have literally grown into toddlers in just hours. Jesus, poor Andy isn’t goint to even have time to get to the bank to even start a college fund for these girls before they’re ready for senior year.

At Bill’s house, he tucks Jessica into bed inadvertently revealing some new abilities like stopping a glass of True Blood from spilling with his mind. Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t know what he is or what’s happened, but he needs her as his progeny to help keep him from going all “power corrupts”. It’s a really sweet scene, with the father/daughter dynamic that they have, but it does lead one to ask why in the world would a vampire go to bed when it’s dark out?

On the road, Jason is still driving with NotWarlow, complaining about Sookie and about how lately Jason’s been seeing his parents more frequently. Sure enough, the ghosts/visions/hallucinations whatever they are to Jason are, in fact, sitting in the backseat. “They’ve gotten kinda racist and scary since they went to Heaven,” Jason confesses. NotWarlow tells Jason he’s never going to be able to keep him, who is TOTES WARLOW OMG from Sookie, surprising no one but Jason before vanishing out of the car.

In her house, the fairy/vampire contract beside Sookie’s bed begins to glow. In Bill’s house, Bill begins to hallucinate lashings against his skin and hears his name called, leading him to his study. In the study is Lilith, who suddenly rushes at Bill, entering into him.

That’s the end of the first episode, which by True Blood standards actually kinda dialed back the wacky a bit. Maybe because they had so much plot to get through or maybe because Alan Ball is now off the show, but here’s hoping they keep it up. I pay good money for the crazy and I don’t care what people think.

Word.

Recapping AHS: Time is Not on My Side

Sorry we're a little behind on the AHS recaps. Fear not! The first of the final two of this season is here!

Nighttime at Kit’s house in 1967. Peace, tranquility, etc. Right up until the moment we see Kit wander into the frame, covered in blood, breathing heavy and holding an axe. “Daddy?” someone calls. “Be there in a minute,” Kit responds. Oh dear.

Should end well.

Act I! Grace is drawing the aliens while Alma talks about all the food they’re growing in their garden and the two kids play in the living room together. They’ve clearly formed a tidy little non-traditional Summer of Love home together. Neat. That night, Alma tells Kit she’s worried that Grace has been obsessed with the aliens. Kit thinks she just needs time to process, but Alma urges Kit to spend the night with Grace instead of her, I guess to help her, ahem, get less focused? Whatever, Grace is in her room still sketching creepy pictures. She tells Kit she’s doing this so that their children will understand where they came from and that Alma needs to stop trying to forget the past. Kit starts with the sexy time when cue the pulsing alien lights which suddenly come back and Alma begins to freak believing they’re here for her. Kit grabs the baseball bat again and runs outside. Turns out its not aliens at all, but locals who are taunting the household because of the unconventional nature of it. The cops aren’t too eager to chase down anyone given that polygamy is illegal in Massachusetts. It’s all a lot for Alma, who is slowly breaking down. Later, Grace and Alma argue about discussing the aliens in front of the children. Alma equates the experience to being raped and tortured and she doesn’t appreciate being told it was transformational and beautiful by the axe-murderer that her husband brought home to her and she’s had to adjust to. Guess the set up isn’t as peaceful as it looked. The argument ends in slaps and thrown dishes before Kit breaks it up. That night, Kit finds Grace in the living room drawing in the dark. Grace tells Kit how much she loves him and their collective family, but she believes “the future is coming” and they can’t hide from it and Alma needs to understand that. I’d say the scene is peaceful, except that’s right when Alma buries an axe into Grace’s back and beats her with it over and over. Kit pulls her off, but it’s too late. Grace is quite dead and Alma is left cowering in the corner, begging for the aliens not to return while Kit holds the axe.

Act II! 1968. In Briarcliff, Jude, Pepper and some other inmates sit around a table playing Candyland like it’s poker. Even as an inmate, Jude rules the roost and the others defer to her. Pepper even calls her “boss” after Jude orders her to check another inmates lithium levels. Monsignor enters the room and asks Jude for a word, but Jude scoffs that since he had her renamed Betty Drake to cover for her “death”, she’s got nothing to say. Monsignor tells her that he’s leaving Briarcliff because he’s been appointed Cardinal of New York. Also, the church has sold the facility to the state and shit is about to get bad. Monsignor says he wants to get Jude out to assuage his conscience. Later, new inmates from the state are brought in (Including Alma, btw) and who should be one of them but the Angel, flanked by two female flunkies, smoking a cigarette and looking significantly less angelic. Jude freaks and says she didn’t call her here. The “Angel”, a women’s prison inmate convicted for murder informs Jude that she’s about to become the new Queen Bee around here, but she’s willing to let Jude be “one of the girls” with her. Jude is wicked confused and confides in Pepper that she needs to get out of here, but Pepper cautions Jude not to trust Monsignor. Jude is disturbed that night to see that the “Angel” is her new cellmate. She tells Jude that everything belongs to her, now, including Jude. The next day, the “Angel” is running the common room, going all sexual harassment on a scared Alma and then shanking another inmate who was “challenging” her. That night, Jude wakes in her room to see the Angel back to being Angelic, dressed all in black, wings unfurled and moving into her for a kiss. “I don’t want to die,” screams Jude bringing the guards into the room. 

Seems like there's got to be a slash fic arena for this, right?

As the guards pull the two apart, Jude sees the “Angel” isn't the Angel at all, but someone else entirely and Jude has been hallucinating what the woman looks like all this time. Jude is brought in a straight-jacket to the new head doctor. Jude considers telling the truth when asked about the fight, but lies and says she just doesn't like the new woman. The doctor says Jude has gotten into fights with five of her new roommates over the past months. Huh? Jude asks about when Monsignor is going to get her out of here. She spoke to him on Monday. The doctor tells Jude that the now Cardinal has been gone for two years. Jude insists something’s going on and the doctor should ask Pepper for clarification. Bad news - Pepper died in 1966. Long story short – Jude has seriously gone off the deep end. The doctor is going to up Jude’s meds, but promises everything will be alright.

Act III! 1969. An extremely well-coiffed Lana is at a book reading for her bestselling memoir about her time in Briarcliff, “Maniac.” Lana dramatically reads a selection about being held in Thredson’s basement as Thredson brings in another woman to torture. “That’s bullshit,” Lana hears from the back of the audience and Thredson stands up. Clearly not really there, no one else reacts but Lana listens as he chastises her for making up things in her book. “It’s my job to tell the essence of truth,” Lana defends herself, causing a vision of Wendy to emerge who demands to know why, then, did Lana say Wendy was her roommate in the book and not her lover. Lana says their relationship “wasn’t pertinent.” Thredson accuses Lana of only being interested in the fame. 

Actually, I'm only interested in finally wearing something other than an industrial mumu, but whatevs.

Later, Lana autographs copes and divas herself to a long-suffering assistant when Kit shows up. They embrace and head for coffee, as former inmates often do. Over drinks Lana gushes about selling the rights to Hollywood and going on talk shows. Kit wants to know why Lana hasn’t exposed Briarcliff like she said she was going to, asking why she isn’t being a reporter rather than a celebrity. Kit tells Lana that Alma has recently died inside Briarcliff and so he wants to get the only person left that he cares about out of there – Jude.

Act IV! Kit tells Lana about finding Jude in an utterly dismal, filthy and overcrowded common room, disheveled and drugged but still alive. Jude's definitely gone native, telling Kit about how The Flying Nun is really the story of her life.

Scene from a light-hearted 1960s romp? Clearly. 

 Lana says Monsignor told her Jude killed herself and what can she do now? After all, “Every bed in that place, she made. Her choice.” Kit can’t believe Lana has gotten so hardened. Cut to modern day as Johnny approaches the same bookstore that Lana once gave her reading in, now going out of business. Johnny asks the sole old woman proprietor for the store’s one autographed copy of Maniac. The owner tells him it’s not for sale, it’s a private copy. Johnny throws down a lot of money and says he’s Lana’s son, but the owner tells him not possible – Lana’s only child was the baby born by rape which died shortly after birth. Johnny convinces her to let him just look at the book. Johnny says she’s going to give him that book and that he has a plan to meet Lana where he’s going to use the book to get to her and once she understands who he is, he’s going to shoot her in the face and finally complete his father’s work. Sufficiently creeped out, the owner gives him the book. 

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill. 

Recapping AHS – The Electric Shock Therapy Kool-Aid Acid Test

Picking up right where we left off a few weeks ago, Arden is reviving Kit from his chemically induced “death”. Kit wants to know if it was worth it, but Arden says nothing happened. Of course, actually Arden has secreted Grace and Pepper away in his lab. Arden observes that Grace has completely healed from her gunshot and that Pepper is no longer microcephalic. Arden debates using X-rays or even an emergency C-section to find out what exactly is growing inside Grace, but when he brings the scalpel out he is thrown across the room. Pepper tells him that the aliens are protecting Grace, and they’re laughing at Arden and if Arden steps out of line, they'll turn those lobotomy practices back on him.

Pepper FTW!

Act I! Sister Eunice is tending a wounded Monsignor, who survived his encounter on the crucifix but not before the Angel told him that it wasn’t his time yet because the Devil has taken Eunice and it’s Monsignor’s job to cast him out. Eunice leaves Arden to his thoughts and goes to the common room to oversee the installation of a new jukebox. Jude says that Eunice only brought it in to taunt her, but Eunice corrects her, saying no, here’s the taunting part and then cues up Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell on You” and dedicates it to Jude. Lana and Kit are taken aback when Thredson suddenly Don Drapers his way into the common room. Sister Eunice apparently offered him a full-time position after freeing him from that closet and so now the healing can begin again! Later that night, Eunice orders a search of the women’s ward and “discovers” a cucumber in Jude’s room. Eunice refers to this as “awkward given our past relationship” but she can’t have Jude picking up any tricks from Shelly so something has to be done – to the electroshock therapy room! Eunice and Arden strap Jude down and hook her up to the machine. Arden tells Eunice to throw the switch, but go no higher than 50%. Eunice opts for 80%, crediting Jude for being a tough cookie. The lights flicker and Jude screams.

Act II! Eunice is back with Monsignor, unwrapping the bandages on his feet and hands and calling him a saint for trying to help Leigh Emerson, who has gone missing. Monsignor tries to shove his rosary onto Eunice to expel the demon, but it really doesn’t take. Eunice laughs it off, recites a dirty limerick about priestly anatomy and jumps on Monsignor, stripping off her habit and literally getting into his pants. He begs her not to, but it’s not like this show isn’t going to take an opportunity for another rape scene, so you can guess what happens. As Monsignor struggles, Eunice notices Arden is watching. Just to be clear, this is a scene about a nun possessed by the devil raping a priest while a Nazi watches. Oh to be a fly on the wall in the writers’ room when this one came up. In the common room, Jude is not in a good way. The electroshock wasn’t kind to her and she’s unable to speak or move clearly. Lana approaches her, trying to help and asking if she knows who Lana is or even knows her own name. Jude pauses at the question, noticing that “The Name Game” is a song that is available on the jukebox. And then, I swear to God, this happens: 

dafuq???

Yup, that is a high-contrast dance number where Jude hallucinates singing in a glam dress while the inmates and the nuns launch into a choreographed routine. If you ever had any doubt that this is from the same people who brought you Glee… Anyway, in the woods, Arden is carting out the usual viscera to feed the zombie inmates when Eunice coquettishly interrupts him while sucking on a lollipop and asking about the feasibility of performing a lobotomy on Jude. Arden is acting glum and Eunice laughs, telling Arden that Monsignor “didn’t mean anything to me.” The zombies approach for their feeding and Arden WTF shoots each of them in the head, announcing that “the experiment is over.” Ah, zombie inmates. We hardly knew ye. Arden brings the gun to his own temple, but can’t do it, collapsing on the ground and sobbing to Eunice, “you have no idea what it means to have lost you.” Eunice almost looks like she’s going to have an actual human emotion before uttering that Arden is pitiful and walking away.

Act III! Jude is in the kitchen, trying to knead a lump of bread when Monsignor approaches asking for her counsel, saying she always had a clarity about her, although obviously that’s not so much right now. Monsignor confesses that she was right, Eunice is TOTES possessed and that Eunice has taken his virtue and what she he do? “Kill her,” Jude manages. Thredson, meanwhile, is going through Arden’s lab when he hears Grace screaming. He finds her giving birth with Pepper attending and announcing the baby is crowning. Upstairs, Monsignor prays for strength when Eunice finds him and asks if he’s ready for round two. Eunice taunts Monsignor again, going between sexually objectifying him and asking how he’s planning on killing her, perhaps using the statue of St. Francis? Although that would be “ironic.” Monsignor follows Eunice out onto a balcony, trying one last time to expel the demon but he is pushed against the railing by Eunice for his trouble. The demon screams from insider her that it will devour her and then, for a moment, the real Sister Eunice surfaces, sobbing and saying that she’s tired and wants to let go. Monsignor uses the opportunity to push Eunice off the balcony and she plummets to the ground like a true fallen angel. Broken and laying in her own blood several floors down, Eunice sees the Angel. “Take me,” Eunice asks. “I’ll take you both,” the Angel replies and kisses her.

Have I made a flying nun joke yet this season?

Act IV! Monsignor is delivering Last Rights when Arden asks to have her body cremated. Despite the Catholic prohibition against it, Monsignor reluctantly agrees. Thredson has had Kit brought to him. Kit saying nothing will make him tell Thredson where the tape is. Thredson calls his bluff by showing him Grace, holding what she claims is their son. Cut to Thredson ransacking the hydrotherapy room looking for the tape, but Lana has beaten him to the punch and confesses that she has already re-hidden it and if Thredson does anything to Kit, she’ll find a way to get the tape to the police. In the common room, Jude is attempting to remember the names of the inmates when Mother Superior arrives. Jude wants to tell Mother Superior goodbye, Jude is going to Rome with Monsignor to get married in the Vatican and then be Pope together and btw, Eunice totally sexed up Monsignor because the devil was jealous. In between the crazy rambling, Jude manages to ask Mother Superior to help get Lana out of Briarcliff. In the crematorium, Arden loads Eunice’s body onto a gurney and prepares to send it into the oven. As her body slowly starts to enter the fires, Arden climbs on top of her, going into the oven with her. The door to the oven closes and Arden screams in pain. An ironic death for a Nazi, to be sure.

Next week! Jude regains some clarity. 

Recapping AHS: The Episode Even NARAL Got A Little Squicked Out About

Sorry for the delay on this one, kids. Holidays and all that. Anywho…

We begin our episode in modern times with a tattooed man (who bears a startling resemblance to Ben Harmon) talking to a therapist about controlling his compulsions, which have been getting him into trouble. The therapist assures him not to worry, it’s totally natural and yes, very strange that his foster parents would have kicked him out of the house as a kid for something as innocent as masturbation. The man corrects her, informing her that his compulsions are more of the wanting to flay women alive and take their skin, but whatevs, it’s cool because he wants to stop. It’s created problems all his life, but he thinks he’s got a lead on this because the last time he was in jail he managed to figure out who his real father is and wants to reconnect with his roots now. Surprising no one, he confesses to being the son of Bloody Face.

But enough of this Jungian origin stuff. When do I get to the cry-masturbating?

Act I! Sister Eunice has Lana brought to her office to deliver the good news – Lana is in the family way! Yay for conquering your sexual perversion, Lana! Eunice admits there are other ways out of this problem, her aunt had a Drain-o Margarita recipe that was a family favorite, but this child will be born and then shipped off to St. Ursula’s orphanage along with all the other Asylum babies that find their way in. Meanwhile, Jude awakens in a cell, strapped to her bed with Monsignor standing over her. Sidebar, is lurking over unconscious inmates part of the required duties for the staff of Briarcliff? Happens a lot. Monsignor tells her they know all about what happened; Eunice helpfully explained everything about how Jude went off the deep end and murdered Frank the guard.  Suddenly, Jude’s insistence about Arden being a Nazi and Eunice being possessed by the devil isn’t playing well for her. The kicker? Leigh Emerson, the murderous Santa who apparently survived Jude’s stabbing, provided the key evidence against her and has since impressed everyone with his “genuine” repenting of his sins. Monsignor tells Jude she’ll spend the rest of her life as an inmate and then heads up to pack up her things, finding her red negligee in the process. Eunice joins him, wondering aloud who Jude was thinking about when she wore that thing and they playing him like a violin, confessing that she, too, believes that Monsignor is destined for Rome and Eunice wants to service him. Yes, that entendre is a double one. Cheeky demon. That night, as Lana is taken back to her room, we see she’s managed to smuggle a coat hanger in with her.

Jessica Lange: "Do I really want to come back for season three?"

Act II! Jude is struggling against her restraints in her room when Monsignor brings Emerson in to her. Emerson, in the full blush of piety, tells Jude he forgives her and kisses her forehead, sending chills up every viewers’ spine. Lana finds Kit in his hospital bed and demands that they kill Thredson now. Kit reminds her that they need Thredson’s confession. Lana begins to devise a plan. Lana comes to Thredson, still tied up in that closet, and tells him about her pregnancy. Thredson is desperate that Lana doesn’t give up his child, remembering being an orphan himself. Lana points out why go to the trouble of adoption when she has this nifty coat hanger instead? She agrees to hold off from her self-abortion if Thredon will tell her about the women he killed and why he did it, including Wendy. Thredson complies, but tells her that Wendy clearly never loved her if she committed Lana to the asylum to save herself. Alas, the joke is on Thredson – Kit has been secretly recording the conversation and now has his confession on tape. What’s good for the goose, I guess. Lana confesses that she already used the coat hanger on herself the previous night and now that they’ve got everything they need from Thredson, she’s going to nip off the to kitchen and come back in a stab-ier mood. Kit attempts to hide the tape in the water therapy room, but is discovered by Arden who tells him they “have so much to talk about.”

Act III! Arden serves Kit scotch and a cigarette and tells him about he found alien footprints in the death chute while looking for clues to what happened to Grace’s body. Arden has figured out that the aliens are only showing up right after Kit has sex with someone, leading him to surmise that the aliens are studying Kit. Arden wants to bring Kit close to death to try to force the aliens to come back, though WTF WHY BRING BACK THE ALIENS? In the chapel, Emerson is praying with Monsignor, who is in full planning mode thinking about how bright his future in Rome will be if he can turn Emerson toward Christ. Emerson agrees to be baptized in the font. Monsignor dunks him in the water and Emerson emerges a saved man… and then Emerson instantly shoves Monsignor under the water himself, holding his head under. Because you NEVER get near a drownable pool of water with a crazy Santa, duh. Elsewhere, Lana has left her cell which is apparently never locked despite this place being a high security asylum and finds that Thredson has gotten out of his closet. Lana finds Eunice in the hallway, who confiscates the coat hanger she’s fashioned into a shank, puts a hand on Lana’s stomach and “Praise God” announces that Lana was unsuccessful and she’s not only still pregnant, but that it’s a boy. Back in the present, that unfortunate psychiatrist’s next patient has shown up only to find the room trashed and the shrink sliced up and a modern day Bloody Face standing in front of her, covered in blood.

Act IV! Jude is brought to the common room for the first time as an inmate. Dominique is still playing. Lana wants to know what they did to Jude. “Nothing I didn’t do to you,” she says and asks for a cigarette, ripping the filter off like a boss. Jude says she’s truly sorry for what she did to Lana and she’s going to make it up to her by springing her out of this joint. To prove that things are going to change, Jude pulls off the record and smashes it. “Well hot damn,” says Lana. In his lab, Arden tells Kit the plan – he’s going to chemically stop his heart and then revive him once the aliens show their sneaky little faces. Kit lays back on the table and Arden plunges a syringe into his chest. Kit convulses and almost immediately the alien light start to come back from the hallway. Arden traces the source to a cell. He opens the door to find Pepper, who vanished back during the nor'easter and is now able to speak seemingly without her mental incapacities. Pepper tells Arden, “The baby is full term” and steps aside to reveal a massively pregnant, but very alive, Grace. 

Leave no developmentally disabled character behind!

In the chapel, Monsignor has been stripped naked and nailed to a large crucifix. He looks out over the chapel and sees a shadowy woman walking toward him. “Help me,” he begs. Stepping out of the shadows, the Angel says, “I’m here…”

In January – the demon begins to get ambitious. 

Recapping AHS: How Sister Eunice Stole Christmas

We begin in 1962 as a Salvation Army Santa is approached by Leigh Emerson, a disturbed man who pulls a gun and shoots Santa in the chest repeatedly. Later that night, little Cindy Lou Who finds Emerson dressed as Santa in her living room. Convincing her that he really is that Jolly Old Elf, Emerson gets the little girl to fetch her parents, who are not in for a good evening. He ties up both of the parents, threatening to rape them both, but he’ll allow them to decide which one he kills first.

Act I! In 1964, Eunice announces that despite Jude canceling Christmas forever “after last year’s debacle”, Eunice has decided to renew the tradition. Problem is they no longer have ornaments for their tree, so she orders the inmate to cut off locks of their hair for decorations, along with their dentures and toilet paper. Even Arden thinks this is weird, which is saying something. 

And you thought your office holiday party was awkward this year.

In the morgue, Frank the guard is praying for mercy after accidentally killing Grace. He tells Arden that they need to tell the police about Kit and the monster, despite his own culpability in Grace’s death. In her office, Eunice is sitting by the fire when Jude approaches from behind and holds a razor to her throat. Jude threatens to start cutting, wondering if it will send the demon back to Hell. Eunice retaliates by flinging open the closet full of Jude’s riding crops and sending them flying at Jude. When Arden interrupts them, Eunice orders that Jude be removed from the property. Arden complies and then tells Eunice that Frank is thinking of confessing. Eunice says she has it under control and heads to a cell containing Emerson, offering him a brand new Santa outfit. Flashback to 1963 as Jude is trying to wrangle the inmates for a holiday photo. Emerson demands that Jude remove the chains on his wrists, but she isn’t about to fall for it. Just as photographers arrive, Emerson lunges at the orderly, biting off his face, full on Hannibal Lecter style. Back in 1964, Eunice entices Emerson to wear the Santa outfit, saying she knows the reason he’s obsessed with Christmas is because he was raped on Christmas in his jail cell by five other inmates earlier in his life. Eunice offers him the chance to regain some of his power again.

The red will really bring out all that viscera you're going to be spilling onto the floor.

Act II! Eunice is in her office when Arden arrives bearing a gift – two lavish ruby earrings that Arden says belonged to “a jewess” in the camp who was overly proud of her wealth and hid the jewels by swallowing them and excreting them back out each night. Okay, gross, but Eunice is ecstatic, practically drooling over them. Arden is disappointed, hoping she would have had, you know, maybe a human reaction like she would have once. Just to be clear, this scene is about a former Nazi war criminal berating a demon for not being nice.  Pot, meet kettle. In the nunnery the next day, Jude asks Mother Claudia to help get her back into Briarcliff. Jude says that she now understands God’s plan for her was to be a soldier in His army because the devil is moving into society, starting with a corrupted Eunice and spreading all the way to the fact the NBC is is now playing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer instead of the Christ story and WAR ON CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE! Just then, Arden pays a visit – in what passes for humility for him, he tells Jude that she was right about him and right that something is wrong with Eunice. In the common room, Monsignor and Eunice are holding a Christmas party for the inmates. Monsignor flirts with Eunice and praises her clever, forward-thinking management style, including letting Emerson play Santa which seems to be creeping out everybody but the two of them. In the infirmary, Kit dreams about being home at Christmas with a pregnant Alma. They dance, but Alma suddenly becomes Grace. Lana wakes Kit from the dream, telling him that she knows he is innocent and that Eunice hasn’t told anyone that she has both of them now back at Briarcliff and they’re going to have to get themselves out.

Act III! Arden sneaks Jude into the asylum through the basement. Jude tells Arden to bring Eunice to Jude’s office and lock them in there together. In the common room, Frank has fetched a ladder to hang the star on top of the Christmas tree when Emerson sees an opportunity and rushes Frank, knocking him to the ground and trying to slice him with the star. Orderlies pull Emerson off and Frank beats him to the ground, prompting Eunice to sigh, describing Emerson as “two steps forward and one step back” in terms of treatment. Eunice tells Franks to take Emerson to solitary as Arden informs Eunice that she’s needed in the office. Frank locks Emerson in his cell but is surprised by Eunice who cuts Frank’s neck open with the razor that’s been making its way around. She passes the razor along to Emerson, winking at him, “I pray we’re not looking at a rampage.” Emerson finds Jude in the office as Eunice and Arden lock the door behind him. “I trust my loyalty is no longer in question,” Arden says to Eunice.

Bad Santa...

Act IV! Emerson comes at Jude with the razor, detailing the horrific sexual things he’s doing to do to her before beating her to the ground. Elsewhere, Lana has found a phone to call the police, but is stopped when Thredson traps her in the room. Thredson is angry because Lana running away means he’s had to burn all of his Bloody Face paraphernalia, but now that he’s found her again he can use her skin to build a new mask. He tries to drag her out the room, but Kit is behind him and knocks him unconscious. Lana wants to kill Thredson then and there, but Kit points out that they need him if Kit is going to avoid the electric chair. Back in the office, Emerson is having his way with Jude. In throwing her around, he discovers the closet full of riding crops and remembers all the times Jude whipped him with them. He shoves Jude onto the desk and begins to beat her with the crops. He eventually flips her over, moving to start with the actual rape portion of our program when Jude sees her opportunity and plunges something sharp into his neck, killing him. In the death chute, Arden is removing Grace’s body when the aliens show up, all white light and loud noises. Not sure what’s up with our ETs – do they live in the basement or something? Several brief flashes and it’s done, but Grace’s body is now gone. Meanwhile, Kit and Lana have stuffed Thredson into an unused storage closet and left him there gagged.

Next week! The electro-shock tables have turned for Sister Jude…

Recapping AHS: Touched By an Angel

It’s morning at Briarcliff and two nuns are arriving for work. They talk about seeing Lilies of the Fields the previous night and one is reading the book. Nuns! They’re just like us! Morning rounds have begun and the nuns check in on Grace…who is bleeding like woah under the covers. In a haze, Grace sees a woman dressed all in black standing in the corner the nuns can’t see. The woman approaches Grace with a smile, suddenly sprouting huge black wings. She leans in to kiss Grace when one of the nuns revives her, snapping her back to awareness.

Just call me Angel of the Morning...

Act I! Sister Eunice finds Dr. Arden in his lab and chastises him for Grace’s botched sterilization. Arden insists that he never performed any sterilizations and she had better not raise her voice at him because he’s in charge here. He slaps her to make this point, clearly not appreciating that you NEVER SLAP A DEMON. Arden is thrown across the room for his attitude. In the kitchen, an inmate, Miles, is helping the nuns prepare lunch but he keeps hearing voices in his head telling him how worthless he is. In an effort to silence the voices, he persuades a nun to let him use the meat slicer and oh dear God in Heaven, are we really going to go there, American Horror Story? Yes. Yes, we are. Miles slices his arms open but good. The doctors get Miles stitched up, but as Eunice arrives to check things out, she notices that Miles has scrawled a word in Aramaic on the wall in his own blood. Eunice is outranged, and demands that Miles tell her if he “summoned her”. In his room later, strapped down, Miles is left alone in the dark when the black angel steps from the shadows. She tells Miles she’s here to help and Miles begins to pull out the stitches in his arm, letting out streams of blood. The angel leans in and kisses him, her wings unfurling. As Miles slips away, the angel senses someone else in the room – Sister Eunice. Eunice tells her to leave, but the angel recognizes that she’s more than human and sees something else in her, “one like me, but fallen.” For a moment, the real Sister Eunice surfaces and begs the angel to release her, but the demon regains control. Meanwhile, Arden is treating Grace for a massive infection. He tells her that he’s all about letting her die, but he’s not going to take the fall for her bad treatment. Nazism being all well and good, apparently, but being thought a bad clinician is just too much. Meanwhile, what’s Lana been up to? Getting raped repeatedly by Thredson. I’d say this couldn’t get more disturbing, but I’m betting this show will find a way.

Yes, Zachary Quinto is naked in the rape scene. You can find your own pics of his ass if you want them that badly.

Act II! Kit is meeting with his lawyer (‘bout time) who wants to know about his confession. Kit asks why they can’t just ask Grace to testify that she saw Alma, proving the Kit didn’t murder anyone? The lawyer reminds Kit that A) Grace is a mental patient, and B) she’s apparently quite sick and near death so let’s not get our hopes up. Kit decides to make a break for it, starting with beating his lawyer with a hole punch, which I can’t imagine that’s going to help his legal case. In Thredson’s basement, the angel comes to Lana. Lana sobs, saying death would be better than this, but when the angel offers to help her end it, Lana defers. At which point, Thredson comes down stairs to apologize for everything, saying he’s not angry and he probably shouldn’t have brought her here to begin with. He needs to correct this “impasse”, but don’t worry, he’s not going to hurt her. He doesn’t believe in guns, so would she rather die by strangulation or throat slitting? As he moves toward her to finish her off, Lana fights back eventually going all Leia on him, strangling him with her chain and fishing out the key to the lock. With that, she’s out and to the street and jumping into the first passing car. The driver of the car wants to know what happened, fight with the boyfriend? Well, it was probably something Lana did, since all women are lying bitches who just leave you after 10 years of marriage. The driver pulls out a gun, saying he can’t take it anymore and shoves the gun into his own mouth. He pulls the trigger, sending the car crashing and securing a place for Lana in the Unluckiest Person Ever Hall of Fame. Lana awakes, where else, back in Briarcliff with Eunice standing over her gleefully telling her that the accident was horrific and that she must be in terrible pain but she’s safe now.

Act III! Sister Jude is with Goodman’s body. She attempts to call 911 but stops when she notices the Eunice has left newspaper clippings around the room about the girl that Jude ran over and “murderer” written on the TV in blood. Flashback to 1949, as Jude remembers getting kicked out of her band who have grown sick of her drunk antics after the incident with the girl. In her misery, Jude drinks herself into a stupor and drives off. When she wakes up, she’s crashed her car right in front of a nunnery. Back in 1964, the phone rings in Goodman’s room – it’s Eunice calling to taunt Jude. Jude wants to know how Eunice knows about the girl, and Eunice confesses to being the demon. Eunice tells Jude not to come back to the asylum. Oh, and she left Jude a bottle of whiskey and razor blade okaykissesloveyoubye! Jude retreats to a diner. In the bathroom she slices her wrists before dying in a pool of her own blood. Kidding! Just a fantasy, although with the way this show is going, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been real. Back at the booth, the angel is waiting for Jude. Rather than be afraid, though, Jude tells the angel that she isn’t going to try anything, unlike last time. Wait, what? Turns out Jude can see the angel because she attempted suicide a few years back after her fiancé left her when she told him that he gave her syphilis. Jude confesses all she ever wanted was a child, which she can now never have. The angel tells Jude that it goes to prove that God had a plan for Jude, but she deserves real peace now, and not the whiskey-induced kind. Jude says that she’s ready, but she has one thing she needs to do first.

Act IV! Jude is at the house of the parents of the girl she ran over, Missy, intending to confess everything when in walks an adult Missy, hale and healthy and working as a nurse, apparently having survived the accident all those years ago. Back at the asylum, Lana tells Sister Eunice that Thredson is Bloody Face. Eunice tells Lana that she believes her, the demon in her recalling seeing the truth about what Thredson was back in the exorcism. As she leaves Lana’s cell, though, she tells Frank the guard that Lana is delusional. In the death chute, Kit has found his way back to the asylum but unfortunately he’s been sloppy getting in and one of the zombie things from the forest is right behind him. Grace is in the kitchen, looking much better, when Kit finds her and the two begin to flee. Unfortunately, they are spotted immediately by one of the nuns who screams for security just before the zombie lunges from behind her, biting a chunk out of her neck. The zombie goes for Grace, but Kit distracts it, impaling it with a kitchen implement. All the commotion has brought Frank, who sees Kit and raises his gun. Grace jumps in front of Kit, taking the bullet square in the chest. As security takes Kit away, the angel appears to Grace, spreads her wings and asks if Grace is ready. Grace accepts the angel’s kiss, saying, “I’m free.”

It's saying something that this is what passes for a hopeful image in this show.

Next week: a Very American Horror Story Christmas Special.