The Magicians' Best Trick is in Being Actually Pretty Good

Okay, I’ve got a story for you. Imagine, if you will, a young man named Quentin Coldwater who discovers that he has been accepted to study magic at a mysterious school and join the ranks of the world’s magicians, those who can work actual magic. Along the way, Quentin and his friends begin to discover that a beloved series of children’s books about adorable English orphans who escape to a magical land may, in fact, be based on reality. Of course, nothing is as it seems and while our heroes learn more about their powers, they become aware that a dark and powerful force is watching and coming for them.

I know, right? Can totally see where all this is going. The premise will sound achingly familiar to anyone who has even glanced in the direction of the fantasy section at Barnes & Noble. Nonetheless, SyFy’s The Magicians, based on the series of books of the same name by Lev Grossman, has finished its first season. And, actually? It’s pretty good.

Accio Preppy Girl!

What makes The Magicians’ story more interesting than what you might expect is that it actually does a fair job avoiding the well-worn tropes of fantasy. Some things remain, of course. There’s still an overly-powerful villain bent on doing bad things; the merry band of adventurers must still come together to save the land; there are, natch, talking animals. But where both the books and TV series succeed is in striking out on some new ground.  Unlike most fantasy stories, Quentin is not a chosen one. The books go out of their way to explain that there are no prophesies, no special destinies to be fulfilled. In fact, anyone can do magic if they are smart enough, focused enough, and possess some latent skill for it. Add to this that Quentin’s fellow students are far from the precocious mainstays that seem to pass through Hogwarts. They’re loud, drunk, hedonistic, complicated, a little giddy about how cool it is that they can do magic. When the books were published they were somewhat derisively referred to as “hipster Harry Potter”, which wasn’t altogether unfair.

All that gritty real life is on full display in the show. Brakebills University is the college to Hogwarts’ primary and secondary school and as such, the characters are that much older and more adult-acting. There’s no wondering about which students are having illicit romantic liaisons with each other; like many college students, these characters are fully in possession of their sex lives and their extra-curricular interests, most of which come in the form of intoxicants both literal (alcohol) and metaphorical (SyFy’s tagline for the show, after all, is “Magic is a drug”).

Levitation sex is totally a thing.

That reality sometimes comes crashing in on itself. A lot of folk attempted to read the books and couldn’t make it through the first one. This was largely due to how epic of an entitled, whiney jerk Quentin is but also because, frankly, does anyone really need another jaded-eyed novel about how excruciating it is to be young, pretty, powerful, and yet feel bored and unfulfilled? That was pretty much the entire point of Gossip Girl, but at least that story knew it was a satire. Here’s one area where The Magicians the show outshines The Magicians the book: the characters are actually interesting and the entire narrative thrust isn’t solely focused on alternately mocking fantasy stories while trying to weave an all-too-knowing narrative about privilege into the fabric.

Another area where the show succeeds is by significantly venturing from the book’s established plot, taking a page from Game of Thrones’ book. While fans of the book will recognize similar set pieces and plots, as well as a general agreement in narrative direction, the show contains a number of differences, some directly related to the outcome of the plot. Again, like Game of Thrones, characters that survive in the books are killed off early in the show. Other characters are created out of whole cloth, merged, or altered significantly. Case in point: Margo, a fellow student at Brakebills who’s name in the book is Janet. While Margo and Janet as characters are certainly echoes of each other, the very fact of Margo’s name is something of an Easter Egg that hints at a major difference in the end of the season.

The biggest change, however, is the inclusion of Julia, Quentin’s classmate/best friend/crush object since forever. Julia’s presence in the first book is almost non-existent; she’s seen in the first few pages and then vanishes for the rest of the story only to turn up at the very end of the book radically different from how she was at the start. We as readers don’t get her story until book two. The series instead interweaves Quentin’s formal magical learning at the storied and WASP-y Bakebills with Julia’s much more dangerous street-level education as hedge witch. Not only does this change give us as viewers a much richer sense of the world of magic and how deeply it runs, but it also allows us to see the development of Julia’s character in a way that lets her claim her own story.

Today, finger sparks. Tomorrow, I dunno. More levitation, maybe?

Generally, the show suffers in the areas that a lot of shows suffer during their inaugural seasons. The pacing of the first few episodes is particularly clunky, veering headlong into plot points that probably should have been spaced out a bit while lingering on others that didn’t need more than a mention or two. The writers also seem to have a hard time grasping the characters voices initially. Penny, a sometimes foil to Quentin, is cast as a rebel and a verbal flame thrower, but instead of coming off nuanced in the first few episodes he just lands on unrepentant jerk. Alice, the Hermione Granger of the group, is done up in Hollywood “smart girl” drag, which is to say she wears glasses and plaid skirts and high collars is given lines to emphasize how socially awkward she is.

Could be worse. At least she's not studying Communications.

The show also sometimes seems to forget its own mission statements. Remember how I said in the books Quentin was not a chosen one? Well, the show gets a little wobbly on that bit. Quentin isn’t portrayed as having some kind of grand destiny, but a twist in the plot that is missing from the books does imbue Quentin with a bit more importance than his written counterpart ever had. Likewise, the choice to showcase how different Julia and Quentin’s education is ends up being underlined a bit too much, right down to the cold, washed out colors Julia’s sequences are filmed in contrasting with Quentin’s highly saturated, vivid experience.

What the show does right, however, is start to course correct after the first few hours which is where I kind of started to fall in love with it despite its initial faults. Given that the books showcase a story that is so transparently about privilege, it is ironic to have a cast that is just…so…white. The show improves on this, adding more diversity to the cast and fleshing out the supporting characters from the book more specifically. Students Penny and Eliot benefit most from this approach with Penny portrayed by Indian American actor Arjun Gupta and Eliot, the sole LGBT character in the series who also is the only one in the book to have literally NO romantic interactions with anyone, given a relationship to develop in the show. (Viewers may find that relationship, shall we say, “problematic”, but that’s another point.)

Seriously. Eliot rocks. His entire magical motivation is basically gin.

What you end up with is a first season that starts off wobbly but finds its legs over time. The show has a little more creative freedom to play with and gets to include new story elements that the books, oddly, never found time for. Also worth mentioning is that the showrunner is Sera Gamble, who was the showrunner for most of the good seasons of Supernatural. The show is eminently binge-able and has already been renewed for a second season, making it perfect for your summer TV watching. 

The Wheaton, The Bad, The...Well, It's Syfy

So. The Syfy Channel.

It's come as kind of a surprise to me that the network that has supposedly devoted itself to all things science fiction and fantasy has somehow been epically failing at cashing in on the rise of the nerd culture trend. Since the end of the critically acclaimed Battlestar Galactica, the network has been in the throes of a massive identity crisis, oscillating between low-budget sci-fi niche shows, trashy reality programming, and oh, yes, SHARKNADO.

Free Willy!!!!

Although the first season of Defiance was reasonably successful, the silly but sometimes watchable Warehouse 13 and Eureka have gone off the air, and Syfy canceled Alphas, which was their best post-Galactica original series to date, and they essentially canceled Being Human. Syfy has, for the most part, seemed like a post-adolescent urban hipster experimenting with his facial hair -- one week, it's a waxed Edwardian mustache, and the next week, the cast of Opposite Worlds is chainsawing its way out of a shark abdomen. Just whatever you do, Syfy audience, don't think too hard. 

Next week, these two giant robots are going up against my hair gel!

They tried battling robots and they tried a nerd Jersey Shore. All to no avail.

The execs at Syfy, who clearly hate anything that is science fiction or fantasy, have finally rolled over and made their peace. They've given their demographic what they have always truly wanted in the depths of their soul.

Our market research and focus groups indicate... Fuck it. Just give Wil Wheaton a show.

THEY GAVE WIL WHEATON A SHOW.

My own show? So I can get wasted and crash it into shit? Rockin!

Okay, okay. Calm down. Clearly, The Wil Wheaton Project is an attempt to cash in on snarky clip shows like The Soup and Tosh.0, but this is a concept from non-nerd cable networks that might actually resonate with the Syfy audience.

Basically, the concept is The Soup. Wil Wheaton, actor, blogger, tabletop gamer, and fine purveyor of geek culture,  is your guide through the wild and wacky world of explicit threesomes on Salem and Game of Thrones.  I've watched the first couple episodes that have aired and it's what one would expect from the Master of Snark. Wil shows clips of various science fiction and fantasy shows that can be found across the network spectrum, and rightfully skewers them in ways that they totally deserve (yes, I'm looking at you, Dracula). The only problem with this show methinks is convincing people to watch.  Although the execs at Syfy have apparently given Wil free rein to take pot-shots at their less-than-stellar offerings, I'm not so certain that members of Wheaton Nation would want to willingly go watch Syfy. He's got clips aplenty, and the show has potential, but I think TWWP needs a bigger budget, more guest appearances, and more Drunk Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  

Wil Wheaton is a really funny guy. As I previously mentioned, he was quite hilarious on buddy Chris Hardwick's Comedy Central show, @midnight, but the show might benefit from more writers and more nerd jokes. There should also be more guest stars. He had on staples like Felicia Day and his BFF Hardwick, but I'd like to see more guests like maybe Carrie Fisher or Patrick Stewart. 

Please watch. As Wil himself said, "Or they'll replace me with redneck ghost hunters." Truth.

On that note, shall we move on to a Syfy show that has been inexplicably renewed for a second season, Heroes of Cosplay?

I'm just going to say that I am not a cosplayer and haven't been, really, since elementary school Halloween parties. Okay, there was that one time I came out of retirement and dressed up like Penelope Clearwater for Halloween, but other than that, I, as a grown adult, do not dress myself up in costumes and go to conventions with the aim of winning prizes. Obviously, I'm looking at this show as an outsider, so let me give my objective opinion. 

Basically, the premise of Heroes of Cosplay is...um...Toddlers and Tiaras? I guess? It's supposed to be a documentary reality series about cosplayers who create their own costumes and go to conventions in the hopes that they will win prize money in the costume competitions. That doesn't sound like a bad way to spend a Saturday, amirite? Well, I have some qualms. 

First off, I don't understand the name of this show. Why are they "heroes" of cosplay? There's nothing particularly heroic about any of these people. I watched episodes from the first season here and there, but I got fed up with the histrionics of one of the female "stars" in particular, who appeared to wait until the last minute to finish her costume and then yelled at her boyfriend, whom she'd forced into helping her. There is a lot of un-heroic procrastination and bitchiness coming from several of the featured cosplayers, I can't tell if the production team is editing the episodes to make it look like they are running out of time before the convention, or if these "heroes," who claim to be semi-professional cosplayers, actually do wait until the last minute to finish their costumes, and they are total nightmares to their significant others and friends in the process. In which case, I have to ask, don't they know better? It seems like they're shooting themselves in the foot trying to create all this drama. The only one who seems to have her shit together is Yaya Han. According to the show, Han is a cosplayer whose costume creations and social media presence have enabled her to have a career as a professional cosplayer. Of course, she isn't really competing so much as she is judging and attempting to mentor her friends and fellow cosplayers.

Other mentors features this season include Brian Henson, of Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge. It's nice to see him on the show and his insight is interesting, and the inclusion of the mentors this season is a good improvement. But it doesn't really do much to diminish the cosplayers' narcissism and the fact that they act like cosplay is serious as bubonic plague, but the show makes it look like they procrastinate to finish their costumes on time. 

You guys, the cognitive dissonance is killing me. If you're going to throw your costume together in the hotel room and and assemble it with hot glue and hope it says together with a lick and a prayer (and PVC pipe), and then realize your shiz is scratched so you run out to buy paint at Walgreen's before it's time for you to go on stage, you might as well rename your show Heroes of Costco. Or Home Depot. Or something non-heroic. 

Also, who is judging these competitions? I don't go to cons, as I said, and I see some of the costumes that are chosen for prizes, and others that are overlooked, and I can't really understand why some costumes win big prizes and others get nada. Perhaps new judges are in order?

Darling, you rang?

The show isn't terrible, but it's also not that great, either. The most interesting part of the entire program is when they are at the conventions and they reveal their costumes, but there is a whole lotta unnecessary lead-up to get to that point. I think the producers could do something more interesting with the rest of the time other than trying to create fake dramatic filler. 

Ironically, the "extras" that are featured on the show's Syfy site are actually kind of interesting and perhaps they ought to be included in the broadcast. If they showed the elements of costume construction and how-tos, instead of "OMG I MAILED MY COSTUME TO MYSELF AND IT'S NOT HERE YET"  'twould be more compelling programming. I think that is where part of the success of Face/Off comes from. On Face/Off, contestants are given two or three days to finish a project on their own or in teams, from start to finish. On Cosplay, it seems like the "heroes" have an unlimited amount of time to finish their costumes. They're not under any actual time constraints that they haven't created themselves, and even those seem disingenuous. 

I do feel that they should put more emphasis on the costumes and costume construction and less on creating fake drama. The costumes people come up with are actually pretty cool, and they are the best part of the show. I really enjoyed the Skeksis costume that one of the cosplayers created, but it of course did not win a prize. IT'S WATER FOWL, PEOPLE. Like what the actual hell?

I really do feel like this show is a rip-off of Toddlers and Tiaras. Um, Syfy? YOU'RE RIPPING OFF TODDLERS AND TIARAS.

What's next, Syfy? Nerd brides planning the perfect nerd wedding? Nerd-themed cake competition? The exploits of a child redneck cosplayer and her family's sci-fi/fantasy-themed struggle against generational poverty and diabetes? I just.

Okay, it may appear as though she is about to devour you alive, but I applaud her use of proper headbanding.

Info about both shows available at syfy.com. 

You can also follow Wil and Anne Wheaton's cats on Twitter.

Spring show reviews

Every Spring the networks roll out some new shows trying to fill the gaps left by the failed Fall shows. Hope springs eternal--maybe this time they'll find something that catches on! But from what I have seen so far...I'm not sure we have any big hits. Here are some capsule reviews of some of the new shows I've managed to catch!

Resurrection: what would you do if your long dead loved ones suddenly started coming home? Looking the exact same as they did at the time of their death and with no memory of anything since their unfortunate...accidents? This set of circumstance is the central plot of ABC's Resurrection, which is actually not too bad. In fact, it's pretty good, if a bit meandering.

In the small town of Arcadia, Missouri, people are starting to come back from the dead. Not like zombie hordes, but one or two people here and there. They aren't hungry for brains, but just want to get back to their lives. Except they've been gone for quite some time...and their families aren't sure whether they are the same. All the medical tests seem to indicate and they are normal healthy humans, but clearly something strange is afoot.

Well, that's not ominous at all.

I am enjoying this show more than I thought I would, I think in part because it's way darker than I expected. Not everyone who has come back is a good person and the show is doing a nice job of teasing out subtle clues about the how and why of the resurrections. I genuinely want to find out what happens next and to know what the hell is going on. The cast is also pretty great, especially the always good Omar Epps as a US immigration agent (random, I know) who finds himself at the middle of the mystery.

Resurrection airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST and you can catch up with all the episodes over on the show's website.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge: Syfy's new show is clearly trying to capture the same magic as the fantastic Face Off. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work for me.

In JHCSC, the contestants are challenged to create and fabricate creatures that are Jim Henson-y in style. Human actors/puppeteers bring the creatures to life (usually from inside the large puppet body) and they are "shot" on a soundstage in the Jim Henson studios in front of the panel of the judges.

I like the concept, but the show just doesn't have the same entertainment value as Face Off. Maybe it's because the challenges are a little more limited as they are constrained by the muppet-style of the overall show's conceit, but I just find it hard to get into. I'll give it a few more episodes, but unless things pick up I don't think I'll stick with it.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge airs Tuesday evenings at 10:00 EST on Syfy.

Turn: It doesn't really matter if this new AMC show is terrible (it isn't), because I am going to watch it no matter what. There are two reasons:

1) It takes place during the Revolutionary War, a criminally un-represented area of American history in movies and television.

2) The cast includes JJ Feild who played the dreamy Mr. Henry Tilney in the BBC's most recent adaptation of Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey. You bros might know him as "the English guy in the beret" who was part of Captain America's team in Captain America: The First Avenger.

It takes a real man to rock a cravat. 

The good news is the show isn't terrible, hurray! It is a bit confusing though, so make sure you are sitting on the thinking side of your couch and are paying attention. It's not really the type of show you can just have on in the background while you wander around your apartment picking up and putting away all your shoes.*

The show tells the story of America's first spy ring...which sounds fancy but really just means it's about this farmer (Jamie Bell, sans Billy Elliot dancing shoes, alas) who lives in British-occupied New York and ends up reluctantly spying for the Continental Army. I say reluctantly not because he was a British loyalist, but because he basically just wants to live with his family and grow cabbages or lettuce or something. But you know, these things happen. And I guess he ends up forming something called the Culper Ring and inventing modern spycraft? This is all according to the show's website. After the first two episodes the spies have only just figured that maybe hanging a special petticoat on a wash line isn't the best way to communicate with each other. Baby steps.

Anyway, it's enjoyable if a bit complicated, but the attention to detail in the sets and costumes is nice. Also, JJ Feild. So you should watch it.

TURN airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST on AMC. You can watch the two episodes that have already aired over on the website.


*Just me?

Bitten

Another day, another new Syfy (by way of Canada) show.

This one is about werewolves. I know! How original! Based on the Women of the Underworld series of books by Kelley Armstrong, Bitten is a relatively entertaining and non-offensive entry into the supernatural drama genre. You probably won't love it, but you probably won't hate it either.

From the Syfy website:

Bitten is an emotionally charged supernatural thriller starring Laura Vandervoort (Smallville, Ted) as Elena Michaels, the lone female werewolf in existence. Desperate to escape both a world she never wanted to be part of and the man who turned her into a werewolf, Elena has abandoned her pack and taken refuge in a new city. There, she works as a photographer and hides her werewolf existence from her new boyfriend. When bodies start turning up in her pack’s backyard, Elena finds herself back at Stonehaven, the werewolves’ ancestral domain. Torn between two worlds and two loves, she quickly realizes that – when push comes to shove – she’ll stop at nothing to defend her pack.

The concept is somewhat interesting--the show has been teasing out details of the how and what of the werewolves and addressing why Elena is the only female of the species, but there are still questions to resolve. Bitten also features a large ensemble cast of mostly white guys (an all too common occurrence unfortunately), so distinguishing between all the different characters is a bit of a challenge. But I have to give Syfy props  for creating a show with a strong female lead.

Elena can kick ass with the best of them and struggles with balancing her desire for independence with her duties to the pack, i.e. her family. It's something that most women starting out on their own can relate to--albeit with less fur, claws, and disemboweling. At least, I hope that's not how your adult life got started. Bitten also pairs well with the Canadian-import Lost Girl for a supernatural girl power block on Monday nights.

If it sounds like I am kinda "meh" on the show, well you're not wrong. I've actually read the first book in the series (also called Bitten) and from what I remember the series is tracking the book's plot pretty closely.

Maybe because I already have a general idea of what is going to happen it's difficult for me to get invested in the show, or maybe it's just that it it's kind of average all over. Nobody in the cast is particular bad...or particularly good. They've tried to dress it up with some sex scenes, but even those are only moderately hot. And it doesn't help that there isn't a lot of chemistry between the actress who plays Elena and the actor who plays Clay, the guy who supposedly has a "deep burning love" for her.

Maybe if we stare at each other hard enough, we can convince the viewing public that we are actually attracted to one another instead of wondering if we remembered to set the DVR for Scandal.

If you're a fan of supernatural dramas, it's worth checking out to see what you think. There are some original ideas here regarding the werewolf pack, what makes a family, and where your loyalties should lie. I will stick with it, but mostly because I am a sucker for any kind of creature feature.

Bitten airs on Syfy Monday evenings at 8:00 EST. You can catch all the aired episodes on the show's website here, or on On Demand.

Helix

I have a poor track record with Syfy original drama series. Sure, I like their Canadian imports (like Lost Girl), and there have been some winners (Battlestar Galactica), but for the most part I find their shows like Warehouse 13, Eureka, and Haven barely tolerable.

So I didn't have high hopes for the new series, Helix. But the preview looked intriguing--kind of like that episode of The X-Files, Ice, where Mulder and Scully travel to the arctic to investigate a parasitic worm alien thing that was dug out of the ice.

And it turns out Helix is actually better than intriguing: it's tense, creepy, and the plot goes way past what I saw in the previews. Think of it as The Thing + Contagion + The Walking Dead = AWESOME.

From the Syfy show page:

Helix is an intense thriller about a team of scientists from the Centers for Disease Control who travel to a high-tech research facility in the Arctic to investigate a possible disease outbreak, only to find themselves pulled into a terrifying life-and-death struggle that holds the key to mankind's salvation...or total annihilation. Helix is the product of some of the biggest names in genre television, starting with Executive Producer Ronald D. Moore (Battlestar Galactica). 

The show takes what has become a standard genre plot (weird viral/parasitic outbreak in the arctic), and adds some cool twists by teasing out details of larger mysteries. What is the real purpose behind the experiments at the research facility? Why is the head honcho creepily obsessed with one of the CDC scientists? Who is the military engineer really working for? I'm invested in finding the answers which is more than I can say for most drama series these days.

Two other things that really make the show work. A certain percentage of the infected people become what the CDC calls "vectors." Meaning they seek to the spread the infection to as many people as possible....which in the Helix world means they become crazy feral monsters who run you down and vomit black goo into your mouth. Think fast zombies, but with less brain munching and more black fluid expulsion. Not only are the current survivors fearful of invisible microbes, they also have to watch out for their friends and colleagues.

This will certainly end well for us all.

The nature of the assaults (the vomiting of the black goo into the victim's mouth) is almost sexual in nature which only adds to the terrifying atmosphere. It's frightening in the same way the Alien moves are frightening--the assault is invasive and violating and all the scarier for it.

Helix is not for the faint of heart--while there isn't a lot of typical gun/knife/punching violence, as mentioned above there's lots of fluid spewing and claustrophobic tense scenes. But there's also a complex and interesting plot which moves the show beyond the typical Syfy series. I definitely recommend checking it out.

Helix airs on the Syfy channel Fridays at 10:00 pm EST and the pilot episode is available for viewing online on the show's home page.

I'M THE BRIDE, BITCH

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS!!!!

YOU.

GUYS. 

LAURA EFFING TYLER WON FACE/OFF LAST NIGHT. LEGIT. SHE WON. 

About friggin' time. 

Last week, to much feathers, fanfare, and aplomb  (well, maybe not so much with the fanfare but there were feathers and aplomb aplenty), Tate, Laura, and Roy became the last three Face/Off Season 5 contestants. They went on to compete in the finale for a grand prize of cash, cars, make-up, and an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet. Because birds.

It was a little nail-biting toward the beginning of last week's episode, because I wasn't sure if the three people I wanted to be in the finale would get there. Things came together in the end for our intrepid make-up designers. As expected, Miranda couldn't take the pressure and didn't time manage effectively, and so she was eliminated. 

The challenge last week was to create a human/bird hybrid. 

Tate won that challenge, and Roy narrowly edged out Miranda for a spot in the finale. As you may recall, during Roy's season, he lost a spot in the finale due to Nicole, who ultimately won. I think most people could admit that Nicole has some skillz, but did she really deserve to be in that finale, and did she really deserve to win? I don't think so, and I think most fans are in agreement with me on this. 

So, onward to the finale. 

For the final challenge, THE FOWL THEME CONTINUES. There will be more feathers! I say MOAR FEATHERS, son. I say, I say. MOAR FEATHUZ. 

I was very into this finale, because not only was I pulling for Laura throughout and this was right up her alley, but I really liked the challenge itself. The finalists were tasked to create a swan and an evil sorcerer look that would be applied to ACTUAL BALLET DANCERS from the Los Angeles City Ballet. These make-ups had to stand up to a specially choreographed performance of Swan Lake. 

Bad things will happen to you if Laura doesn't win. Very bad, very bad things.

Onward to the challenge! 

The first day, the finalists wake up and are treated to a Skype call with their loved ones. Roy talks to his wife; Tate talks to his parents, who look like the most adorable pair of aging hippies ever; and Laura, wearing what I can only assume is a leather vest that she picked up off Tate's floor that morning (SHIPPING!!!),  talks to her mom and husband. D'awww! Seriously. That vest with the chains on it. Yeah, that way belongs to Tate.

I may need hugs.

At the workshop, Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore informs the neophytes of their final challenge. Then, they're allowed to pick teams comprised of the last six eliminated contestants. They are instructed to choose one vet and one newbie. Laura goes immediately for Miranda (duh). Miranda can't take the heat, but she's a damn good sculptor. Her newbie is Eddie. On Team Tate, it's Alana and Lima. On Team Roy, it's Frank and Scott.  It's kinda too bad that Laney walked out, because she does have talent and she might have made a difference in Roy or Tate's looks.

The swan and sorcerer have to take on the theme of a certain time period.  Their choices are: Industrial Revolution, The Roaring 20s, the Italian Renaissance, and the Ming Dynasty. Laura takes Renaissance, Tate takes Industrial Revolution and Roy takes Ming Dynasty. I don't know why they all avoided the Roaring 20s theme like the plague because they could totally have done an Art Deco thing, unless they were afraid the only thing they could think of for that would be a Tom Buchanan sorcerer casting a spell on a helpless Daisy swan. Or maybe they'd make an F. Scott Fitzgerald swan with the sorcerer being a giant bottle of gin. Oh, the possibilities. They are endless.

I'll buy her from you, old sport.

Roy, I felt, was the underdog in this challenge. He struggles to come up with a concept on Day 1. He comes up with a sorcerer who looks not unlike Confucius, but comes up with a mechanical/automaton swan. This is really a huge step out of Roy's comfort zone, and the two other dudebros on his team aren't much help. The clock's a-tickin' and they start sculpting, even with a kind of weak concept. Team Laura gets a head start with a solid concept by Laura. On Team Tate, the concept is still a little vague, and he has some issues with Lima and her feather effect sculpt. Papa Westmore stops by to hand out some fatherly advice, and it's onto Day 2.

Day 2 starts bright and early, and Roy decides to change his concept.because he feels like his mechanical swan is too much like Tate's steam punk swan. Tate's changed his concept a little bit and sets aside Lima's work from the day before. Laura and Miranda, meanwhile, are booking right along with her sculpts, and Laura sends Eddie to the mold room to start casting. Things go wrong for Roy on the swan's cowl. He sent Scott to mold it, and Roy can't get it out of the mold. So, Scott will have to remold and recast the cowl on Day 3. 

On Day 3, Laura molds her cowls, and Roy starts fabricating.his armor. His armor is really cool, but there's really no way a dancer can move in that. On Team Tate, Alana is trying to open the mold for the cowl, and she finds that the mold didn't turn out. The inside of the mold is full of holes, and he's worried about the overall look of the swan.  It turns out in the end that he didn't need to worry about his swan, because his swan was awesome. But, it cost him time to work on the sorcerer, and his sorcerer didn't turn out as well as it could have. Laura had issues with the edges on her cowl, so she and Miranda spent some extra time cleaning the edges, and Laura decided to hide some of the edges with a pearl necklace she found. 

We're just going to add a little bling to this evil spell you're under, m'kay?

Everything more or less comes together in last looks, although Tate is still upset that he didn't have more time to finish his piece for the sorcerer. McKenzie Westmore (in a solid silver mini-dress), Glenn, Ve,  and Neville are waiting at the auditorium for the performance and final critiques. 

And now we dance!

It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

The specially choreographed Swan Lake performance is basically Tchaikovsky Cliff Notes. It's not really Swan Lake if you have three different swans, but they have a corps de ballet, and each coupling has a chance to do a featured pas de deux and that is where we can see the make-ups in action. The ones that are the most effective in the performance, and the ones which hold together the best, are Laura's. Roy's fabricated sorcerer cage is cool and all, but he had to have known the guy couldn't dance in that. 

I love how during the Face/Off finale, they have an audience there for like fifteen minutes, and then during the judging portion, they kick them out. I hope those folks are being paid to sit there and didn't buy tickets or anything. At least they gave up on that letting 'Muricka vote idea. 

If these images aren't large enough for you to see in detail, you can check out all of the finale looks here. 

Here are the swans:

Laura.

Tate. 

Roy.

Here are the sorcerers:

Laura.

Tate.

Roy.

Overall, I think Laura had the most cohesive look. Her make-ups fulfilled the task, and neither of them had to be altered so that the dancers could, you know, dance. Tate's swan, as you can see, is FREAKING GORGEOUS, and if the outcome were just based on that look alone, he would have been the winner. I know Roy had issues, but his swan is generic and conventional. I wish he'd done more with the gold paint on the swan's chest and neck. As it stands, it looks like something that was in the wardrobe trailer on the set of Black Swan. Just not terribly innovative, especially when compared to Tate's swan. I really loved the breastplate and the overall aesthetic of Laura's swan. Neville wanted more feathers on the head because I guess he's into that sort of thing. 

I'm serving up Natalie Portman tarring and feathering the populace realness.

As far as the sorcerers are concerned, I felt that Laura had the strongest sorcerer. Hers fit into the same world as her swan, and nothing needed to be removed from her make-up that would have been in the dancer's way, at least not as far as I saw. Tate's sorcerer wasn't doing it for me at all. I realize he had issues with the cowl, but the way his mouth was stuck open like that kind of made him look more like a bum you'd run into in Central Park who was wearing a Windsor Castle-shaped hat than a sorcerer per se. Roy's sorcerer is stunning, but the dancer had to remove that entire fabricated piece from the front so he could dance, and what was left kind of just looked like Yul Brynner. 

After kicking out the audience and some deliberation by the judges, and some some guy-liner-filled intense stares from Glenn, Laura is declared the winner!! Hurray!!!

Heheheheh.

New season of Face/Off starts in January, with all new contestants and some WILD AND CRAZY LOCATIONS BECAUSE IT'S REALITY TEEVEE, PEOPLE. 

If There's One Thing I Know Really Well, It's Elves

So, this is my first blog post using my windows 8.1 platform, and the new software still allows for my snark app, so take THAT Microsoft. Make all of my applications fucking charms, will you? 

I promised all of you all that I would keep you abreast of the most exciting happenings on the Face/Offs. Guys, guys, guys. The Face/Offz actually became really super dramatic on Tuesday night, without the show editors or Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore throwing an added twist into the week's challenge. 

Your challenge this week: A Dick Cheney/Elmer Fudd Hybrid. And make it sing!

Last week, the judges FINALLY eliminated Eddie, who had been failboating in his merry little fail canoe for the entire season. So, that left Sweet Little Laney as the only surviving newbie. Unsurprisingly, as I predicted in my previous Face/Off post, the veterans vs. newbies concept resulted in a great deal of carnage for the newbies, because the veterans are just THAT good. A few of the veterans have been eliminated also, ofs, but after this last episode, only vets remain. The veterans who remain after Tuesday night's non-elimination (more on that later) are Miranda, Roy, Laura and Tate (TATE!!). 

That dude behind me? That's Dorian fuckin' Gray, man. I know, man. I know. Craziness. 

So, I was actually pulling for Laney because she appeared to be the only newbie this season who showed any kind of promise. The new contestants this season were just, I don't know, kinda bad, I guess. I don't know if this is because they were eliminated before they really had a chance to get grounded or if it's because they didn't have that much ability. 'Tis a mystery.  So, it came as kind of a surprise to me when Laney had a complete meltdown and left the show. I really thought she was more together than that, but I guess the pressure became too intense for her. I guess it will be revealed in the super finale spectacularganza why she felt the need to walk off like that. I mean, she was doing pretty well, and she made it into the top five. I don't understand why she would quit after she'd gotten that far. Maybe Glenn is secretly a wizard and was dropping Hinkyjinx Potion into her morning porridge, with nary a Hermione about to offer a speedy countercurse. As I discovered with one of my friends last evening, I can legit write fan fiction about anything, and so I will stop myself now before I continue further in this vein and lose sight of my original purpose.

So, your character is like if you were on Mad Men and you walked into Versailles and it was full of saran wrap.

I have to say, the thing that's gotten me geeked thus far this season are McKenzie Westmore's outfits. Girl, your wardrobe is SICK. 

But back to the challenge!!! I was pleased with the theme of this week's challenge: a Norse Rune Dark Elf. This is one I feel they've had up their sleeve for a while. I guess it's hard for the production team to come up with a different theme for each week, because we can't do robot zombies for every challenge but OMG WE NEED MOAR ROBOT ZOMBIES.

Your challenge: create a robot zombie made of Legos that is in the shape of one of Glenn's tattoos.

Bitch looks fierce, right?

FUCKIN' RIGHT. 

So, here's what went down. 

Laney was bummed about being in the bottom last week, so she was at the point where she was feeling like it just wasn't fun anymore, but she dragged herself along to the first day of the spotlight challenge, where we discover that it's going to be dark elves that are based on Norse mythology. Laura's excited because she's a HUGE GEEK, and Tate is instantly excited that they're mixing ancient runes into their Elven warrior creatures. This is why I ship Laura and Tate HARD, even though Laura's married. But there I go again with the fan fiction. 

In the sculpting phase, Roy makes his first mistake. His rune references psychic ability, so he decides to make his elf have a huge head.

Miranda felt it was "mandatory for an elf to have pointy ears." Direct quote. She second-guessed herself throughout the entire challenge, and ended up having a near-meltdown toward the end. Miranda's elf did not at all turn out like she had planned in her original sketch.

 And this is why we can't have nice things. 

Laney is half-assing it so much that she hasn't even bothered to put on her anime girl make-up, and she soon gives up on her sculpt and heads into the bathroom, crying and saying she's homesick. Tate goes in and tries to cheer her up, but ends up getting booted. Roy finally convinces her to come out of the bathroom and work on her sculpt. It seems like things are getting back to normal, and although she is behind, Laney starts work on her sculpt again.

However, the next morning, the gang comes down for breakfast and Laura finds a note on the table. At first, Laura thinks it's a note from Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie throwing another twist into the challenge (YOUR CREATIONS ALL HAVE TO DANCE ALL OF SWAN LAKE WHILE UNDERWATER). Actually, nope. It's a handwritten note from Laney, stating that she's left the competition. Apparently, the crew actually filmed her leaving, but left the note that Laney had left on the table and they didn't bother to tell anyone she was gone until the next morning. Oh, reality television.

Laney's departure leaves everyone bummed, but it makes Miranda stress out even more. Miranda's sure that she's going to be in the bottom because her elf is a hot mess.

The Aztecs called and they want...actually, hold on. Hold on. Okay, they said they do not want this back.

Since Laney left, the contestants assume that there will be another elimination that week. Roy and Miranda end up in the bottom looks. In Roy's defense, his elf doesn't look that bad. The point of the challenge was a dark elf, and I guess I could see there being a dark elf that looks like Roy's elf.

Okay, maybe it kind of looks like a medieval Romulan, but all in all, not a terrible make-up. You know, maybe they do Hamlet on the Romulan home world. You don't know.

The thing though, with Roy and Miranda's looks, is that maybe they would have flown earlier in the season, but Laura and Tate are pulling ahead as the clear contenders for the title. Laura's elf is fucking gorgeous, and Tate's creation is another completely unbelievable look. You all know I'm on Team Laura, but I was behind the judges' decision to give the win to Tate this week. ALTHOUGH LAURA WAS ROBBED. But I'm okay with Tate winning. But she was robbed. 

 Laura

Tate

With Laney's departure, the judges decide to give Roy and Miranda another chance, and neither are eliminated this week. I kind of thought that was BS because you all know how mean I am. I really thought they should have eliminated Miranda this week, and that would have meant the final would be next Tuesday, close to Halloween. And I think we can all agree that that would have been VERY SPOOKY. 

It's obvious to me at this point that the finale should be Tate, Laura and Roy. Miranda's definitely got talent, but she cannot take the pressure. She has flipped out during the last two challenges, and this week, her piece was nowhere near up to her usual standards. I was actually expecting Miranda to decide she couldn't take the pressure anymore and leave. I am pulling for Laura or Tate to win, but Miranda is no slouch, and I think we've all begrudgingly come to expect more from her. Roy is a fan favorite and I like him. I think he's awesome at fabrication and he has huge, creative ideas.  However, I don't think he can match Laura or Tate in the execution department. 

We shall see. 

Face/Off. Tuesdays. 9 p.m. Syfy. 

We're Going to Be Doing a Fur Transfer

Hello, my good people. It's Arsenic Pie here. Sorry for falling off the planet there for a while. But, here I am. I am back. Please groan or applaud accordingly. I was busy polishing my grills and appropriating ratchet culture for questionable artistic purposes. Takes a lot of energy.

So, this season of Face/Off maybe was supposed to be the most exciting season of Face/Off to date. Anyway, I was stoked at least. I say "was" as in the past tense in order to indicate that I am not, in fact, stoked.

I don't know if you good people missed the unnecessarily long Face/Off season preview special (and if you're watching this season), but in case you aren't already aware, this season has an added twist. Instead of solely bringing in an entire new season of Face/Off contenders, they have brought back previous season contenders (read: losers) and they're competing against the newbies for the title of Ultimate Glenn Hetrick.

Wilkommen auf mein lair, minions.

I am actually quite keen on most of the Face/Off alumni, because it features previous season favorites such as Roy (season 3 fabricator extraordinaire); Tate (TATE!!); future Tim Burton employee RJ; ultimate sweetie Alana; former dark horse and likely season champ Miranda; and Laura (WHO WAS ROBBED). However, I have to wonder about the wisdom of bringing back this Frank individual. 

Pouty Puderschmidt of the Quahog Puderschmidts.

In case you don't remember Frank from whichever season he graced, he was just kind of an asshole whom nobody much liked. I wondered  during the season preview why they would be bringing Frank back and then I realized, duh, dramz. DRAMZ. I guess they are hoping that if there aren't enough catfights amongst the artistes in the workshop, they can always count on Frank to be a turd. I think of all the veterans that they brought back, Frank and Eric Z. are the weakest links. I was kind of looking at them to be the first veterans who get the boot. Again. So, I wasn't really surprised when Eric couldn't get his shiz together and got booted a week or so ago. It's somewhat ironic because Eric Z. won the online Redemption challenge. Whatevz. Frank has been in the bottom looks as well, but this past week Frank actually got it together and ended up in one of the top looks. So, hurray for Frank for not sucking so much. I guess.

The first week started with some fairies plugging the new Syfy show which highlights the world of costumed aggression, Heroes of Cosplay. (As a side note, in case you're wondering if Heroes of Cosplay is Toddlers and Tiaras but with nerds, it's Toddlers and Tiaras but with nerds.) 

My name is Yaya but everyone just calls me "Fairytits."

The first foundation challenge was to create a cosplay character based on the Halloween costumes from amongst a group of volunteers. So, if cosplay has always given you the irks, this might have been a good time to FFW. One hour later, the winner of the foundation challenge was...not Laura. Huzzah! It was Tate. TATE!!

Which one's Fluffy? Dude, they're both named Fluffy.

As far as the contestants go, the veterans are kicking ass and taking names. The final results are generally not even a contest, with the veterans' work looking polished and professional and the newbies' work looking...well, a hot mess.  All of the challenges have been won by vets, and the vast majority of the people who have gone home have all been newbies. So, the whole result is kind of meh. I don't mean to sound entirely negative about this season, but the new people really haven't impressed me that much. None of them are really that interesting and I can't get a good gauge of their talent level because they are getting kicked off the show early on because the vets are just that good. A point in their favor is that none of the newbies are histrionic drama queens who go around the workshop causing 99 problems, so that's at least a step in the right direction.

However, Imma gonna have to stick up for my girl Laura here because she is getting shafted right and left. Laura landed in the bottom last week, although her look was not THAT BAD. It could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse, and she was paired with Frank. However, she's been in the top looks the rest of the time, but she has not won. This was the whole story during her season, and the finale particularly sucked because freaking what's-her-face won even though Laura clearly deserved to. So, I guess we're going to do this again. I guess this whole season is going to be another round of Laura being the bridesmaid and never the bride. 

 I know, right? Completely fucking hosed.

I am not sure if I can even continue to watch this season.  I don't know if it's me or if it's the show. Do I need to break up with Face/Off? I like Miranda and all, but does she really deserve to win every challenge. I cannot even look at Laura anymore. It's too painful. She's always in the top looks, but she doesn't win the week's challenge? Even when she was paired with Alana and their team was the number one look, the judges chose Alana as that week's winner. This past week, the judges heaped praise on Laura's look, and unless there were critiques that they left out of the editing, it really looked like Laura was going to win. Then Glenn announced that Miranda had won, and Laura was visibly shocked. Do I even need to sit and watch this whole season or has The Hetrick decided he wants to get into Miranda's pants and thusly crowns her the winner every fucking week? I guess Miranda is talented, but is she really better than Tate? And Laura? And Roy? And RJ? Really?

I don't want to go so far as to say or speculate that the female contestants are being rewarded based on their relative cuteness and/or likeability. I am all for rewarding hotness in its due time and place. I feel as though Glenn gets the final say in who wins and who leaves and so as long as he feels like Miranda and Alana are creating better looks than RJ, Laura, Tate and Roy, I guess I haven't felt like sitting through an hour of them creating looks if I already know that Glenn is going to choose Miranda's looks over all the others. 

I am also not sure how I feel about Face/Off turning into this huge show with all of these big-name guest stars and themed events. Sometimes I feel like they've taken this little show that I liked and turned it into this huge...Thing. Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on the end result. 

Guys! Guys! Guys! There's a treasure map on the back of John Travolta!