What Ben's Watched On Streaming for June/July

I've watched a bunch of things on streaming media recently. Here are my short-ish reviews:

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, Season 3 (Netflix)

A friend of mine recently said, "yeah, I was watching Agents of SHIELD, and then it got really stupid." I think she was referring to sometime in Season 2. 

Which is true, Agents of SHIELD perenially has a plot which I'd describe thematically as "peak comic book," where all plot threads come together into a unified whole no matter how disparate they seem to be at the beginning, and some stuff seems shoehorned in. It is apparently inconceivable to the Agents of SHIELD writers that SHIELD could have to deal with two major issues at the same time and they never team up or subsume each other. 

The show is also knocking off characters at a Game of Thrones rate (okay, pre-season 6 season finale Game of Thrones rate) sometimes seemingly because Joss Whedon doesn't want to pay for an actor anymore. Similarly, the "big bad" for the last half of the season sometimes seemed to be down a henchman because, I think, either the actor they had for him (who's B-list famous) was too expensive to be in every episode if he didn't have lines or he had a prior commitment so he couldn't appear in half the episodes you'd expect to see him in.

That said, as a guy who just read all the issues of Radioactive Spider-Gwen and spin-offs available on Marvel Unlimited (Gwen Stacy is a much more interesting Spider-Person than Peter Parker! Also she's in an alternate universe where Captain America was always an African-American woman and Daredevil is evil! You really should read it!), I have a pretty high tolerance for comic book stupid (I had to read through several issues with Spider-Ham -- yes, the Spider-Man that is an anthropomorphic pig -- crossovers) if a show is otherwise diverting. And Agents of SHIELD remains entertainingly diverting.

Also, Clark Gregg is still clearly enjoying his job and is a joy to watch.

Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress (Amazon Prime)

Elevator pitch for this show: "It's Attack on Titan, but with zombie mobs instead of naked giants, and it's set in a steampunk late Tokugawa Japan where most of the action takes place one of the armored supply trains for the rail system that keeps the last few human outposts connected."

The execution is, at best, fair. Writing seems to be done by folks given the directive: "use the formula we know works for shounen [teenage boy-marketed] anime for the elevator pitch you just heard. Do not, under any circumstances, take any risks with plot or characterization or otherwise give the audience something they likely have not seen before in another anime."

It's always magical zombies with glowing hearts covered in some sort of difficult-to-penetrate metal alloy. isn't it?

I could go on and give details, but it would really be a waste of your brain space. It's not good.

Penny Dreadful (Netflix)

This was reviewed before on this blog, but I actually like it a little more.

Let's not get too excited: I don't love Penny Dreadful as high art. I like it as a television version of a gothic horror (which also has influence from - and name-checks - the Grand Guignol style of gory theater) acted by people who are capable of much more substantial work than being "morally compromised supernatural evil-hunting team."

And that's what Penny Dreadful is -- Timothy Dalton plays the rich African explorer father of Mina Harker -- yes, that Mina Harker -- who assembles a semi-random team of dangerous misfits to rescue his daughter from a vampire. They are:

• the African explorer's mysterious African warrior butler/something (Danny Sapiani)
• demon-possessed psychic childhood friend of Mina (Eva Green)
• American gunslinger whose dark secret would be only revealed in the last episode of the first season if it wasn't spoiled by the credits sequence (Josh Hartnett)
• Dr. Victor Frankenstein -- yes, that Dr. Frankenstein (Harry Treadway)

In a parallel plotline, for reasons I can't quite understand, there's Dorian Gray (Reeve Carney); yes, the Oscar Wilde one with the painting. He seems to be there mostly to create multiple romantic issues with Josh Hartnett's character; Gray has sex with two women Ethan Chandler (Hartnett) is romantically entangled with, plus Chandler himself. I don't think this spoils much in the first season because, as I said, Dorian Gray has no direct relationship to the main plot. 

Here's Ethan Chandler and Dorian Gray making out. While there is a bunch of male full-frontal nudity in this show, sadly not of these guys. 

Also, Billie Piper is in this as a prostitute dying of consumption. She needs a better post-Doctor Who agent. 

As I said above, this show is sort of an update of gothic horror and Grand Guignol; the point is not that it's good, it's that it's constantly entertaining or at least shocking in a visceral way. There is a plot and there is dialogue. As the previous blogger on this beat noted, neither are particularly compelling (although the pacing of the story is good). But the production values, the acting, and the fact that everyone making this is taking it seriously instead of winking at the audience somehow raise it above "dumb" to "weirdly fun." 

Fear the Walking Dead

When I first heard AMC was making a prequel series* to The Walking Dead, my response was "ugh." The show is insanely popular so of course we need to milk that teat until it's completely dry.

After giving it some more thought,** I realized there is actually a good story to tell here. The Walking Dead picks up after the the zombie apocalypse has already occurred. We, the viewer, see the show through Rick Grimes' eyes, and his initial confusion and lack of information adds to the feeling of dread and unease we experience. The Walking Dead has never explained the events that led up to the collapse of civilization; we don't know where or how things started, how quickly the world fell apart, how the government responded, when things went to....well, to put it bluntly, went to shit.

So then I was excited for Fear the Walking Dead. I was hoping it would fill in some of the gaps and give some more information about the virus, which to me is the most interesting part of The Walking Dead's story. I was also hoping that the show would learn from some of the elements of TWD that didn't quite work--such as the family drama bullshit with Rick, Lori, and Carl. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, "Caaaaaaaaaaarl!"

Alas, no. Because the public was definitely crying out for more family drama.

I don't want to say I'm disappointed in FWD exactly. It's great to look at, the acting is top notch (especially from Kim Dickens whom I loved in Deadwood), and it's very effective at building tension. Just like people used to say you had to watch Doctor Who from behind the couch, FWD sometimes makes me want to peek out from behind my fingers because I don't think I can handle what is going to happen next.

And that is what makes it all so monumentally frustrating that almost every single one of these characters is completely and utterly stupid.

Stories like this only work if you like the characters. You have to care what is going to happen to them. And it's hard to have your audience care about people who are TOTAL FUCKING MORONS.

Maybe FWD takes place in a world where George Romero never existed. Where Night of the Living Dead, World War Z, and the whole zombie genre never existed. Maybe these people don't have any reference for the undead shambling around craving brains. But there is nothing in this series (or TWD for that matter) to establish this as an alternate universe following those rules and I am not letting the showrunners off that easy. To leave it to the third episode before even one single person proffers that the infected are actually dead, to have no character even mention the word "zombie," defies belief and makes it seem as if all these people are brain-dead themselves.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the more I think and write about this the madder I get. Seriously. All these characters have already seen the infected stumbling around, appear as if corpses, get shot MULTIPLE TIMES and keep going, feast on the flesh of the living, and they are still standing around asking, "what is going on?" I can't. even. handle. it. Just having one character say, "Hey, maybe it's zombies" and then everyone can shoot him/her down about how that is so implausible, only happens in movies, etc. would placate me. But no. Instead they sit around looking shocked and dismayed and trying to convince each other that we shouldn't destroy the neighbor's brain because there IS STILL A CHANCE HE CAN BE CURED. Even though we just caught him snacking on someone's dog and is actively trying to kill everyone in the house.

Flames. On the sides of my face.

But I guess the sickest part is I still want to see what happens next. At the end of the third episode the National Guard shows up and seems to be doing well with putting down the infection. So I still want to see how it all goes to shit.

But if all these people survive the season I am giving up. Because there is no way people this dumb would survive the zombie apocalypse. Zombies? I have no trouble with that. But these characters all surviving will defy even my ability to suspend belief.

Fear the Walking Dead airs Sunday nights at 9:00PM EST on AMC.

*Oh, excuse me, a COMPANION series. Whatever, AMC.


*I'll have you know I spent a good 10 seconds of brain power on this topic.

I’m Back! And Still Talking About Comics

Hello, Readers!  Apologies for the long delay since the last time I’ve written (Cancer sucks; let’s just leave it at that), but I’m back with a few more thoughts on comic books and the glut of comic book properties we saw on TV this past year.  Let’s run through them, shall we?

For the record, I’m mostly ignoring comic book properties of the non-heroic variety here. My reasoning is that “comic book character” as a genre is largely associated with capes and tights, as opposed to the wealth of incredible graphic novels out there that are also being given the live action treatment.  The Walking Dead is probably the most famous comic book-based TV show, but a glut of upcoming properties like Sex Criminals, Preacher, and my personal favorite The Wicked + The Divine are on the horizon.

"Sistahhhhs...are doing it for themselvessss.."

Agent Carter

Let’s start with the good. Agent Carter was a miniseries designed to give us more about the life of Peggy Carter, Captain America’s one-time love interest from before he got all frozen at the end of the World War II. Introduced in the movie Captain America: The First Avenger, Peggy Carter finally gets to be the hero that her fans know she is in this short-run series. Hayley Atwell reprises the character from the movies and presents Peggy as a secret agent working for the precursor to S.H.I.E.L.D. after the events of the first Captain America movie.  Peggy balances her life as a single woman in the 1940s with all the assumptions about her skills that era had with her actual ability to be a bad ass while hunting down an arms dealer. This show was beloved, not only for its obvious girl-power bona fides but for the fact that the sexism that Peggy faces is presented realistically. The men in her office who barely see her as more than a secretary are less two-dimensional stereotypes and more obvious signs of a world that is slouching toward change.  There’s a ton that you can say about the pretty incredible writing here, but I think of a friend of mine summed it up best when she said watching Agent Carter was the first time she felt like someone in Hollywood made a comic book superhero story for her.

Status: renewed for season 2, to air early 2016

"Wait, are we all still on this show?"

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Now maybe with the less good. Look, I know fans of this show love it. The thing I hear most frequently about it is, “but you’ve got to start watching, it’s gotten SO GOOD!” I’m glad for you and I’m glad for the show, but it lost me after the plodding first season full of characters I don’t care about. Of all the highly successful Marvel properties, this one to me illustrates most the danger of trying to run an integrated universe across multiple entertainment platforms. The show suffered because of revelations in Captain America: The Winter Soldier and while that’s unfortunate, it’s also not reason enough for me to come back to it.

Status: renewed for season 3, to air fall 2015

"Ours is a determined walk."

Arrow

Arrow had what should have been a big year that unfortunately got overshadowed by a flashier (heh) kid brother and some wandering in the woods on the part of the writers. As The Flash went full bore with establishing a world full of powers and magic, Arrow struggled to keep up. The introduction of Ras al-Ghul should have been a game changer and instead fans felt mistreated by the relative little screen time of the character and him once again being whitewashed. A creative change is in the air for next year, and it’s looking like we’ll finally see Ollie officially become Green Arrow and start to move away from the angst of the past two years. For the first time, all the characters are aware of each other’s secrets and finally working together. And no matter what anyone says, I’m enjoying Katie Cassidy’s Black Canary. The character is one of my favorites and Cassidy has done a good job of showing the damage that Black Canary carries with her without letting it destroy her.

Status: renewed for season 4, to air fall 2015

"Ahh, bugger."

Constantine

This is probably the show that I wanted to work out the most. After a lackluster movie, I really wanted Constantine as a character to have his due. I wrote before about how it’s essentially an American Doctor Who, although clearly the longevity is not the same. The show saw John Constantine battling the Rising Darkness with his trademark punk wit and whimsy. The show touches into the area of DC comics that I find the most fun – the area of magic and the occult. The show, unfortunately, failed to find an audience, however it may not be completely out for the count: there’s a chance the character could find his way to Arrow since they technically occupy the same world. Additionally, the upcoming Lucifer is based on a character from the same source.

Status: cancelled

So much blood, you guys. Seriously, so much blood.

Daredevil

Remember how I said my friend referred to Agent Carter as the comic book show that she finally felt like Hollywood had made for her? Well, the other half of that sentence was that she felt like Daredevil was the one they made in disregard of her. Daredevil is Marvel’s first foray into Netflix’s original series. For those unfamiliar, it’s the story of Matt Murdock, who lost his eyesight at a young age and now fights crime using his heightened senses. The fact that some weird super chemical is responsible for the loss of his sight is also what explains how UTTERLY heightened his senses have become. The show is by far the entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (the one that includes The Avengers, etc.) that is the farthest removed from Marvel’s “house style” of high contrast shots, bright colors, easy humor, and breezy attitude. Daredevil is filmed in murky blacks, greens, and yellows and plays up the idea that Daredevil is Marvel’s Batman.  It’s also somewhat predicated on the idea that all that damage and destruction to New York from the first Avengers movie maybe had a consequence. The show veers more toward the violent and the gritty, which is a big factor in my friend’s less-than-enthusiastic endorsement. Nonetheless, it scored well with critics and with lots of fans.

Status: renewed for season 2, to air on Netflix in 2016

"Just try and catch me, bad ratings."

The Flash

Along with Agent Carter, The Flash is the best comic book property that this year’s television season brought us. In the same joined universe as Arrow, the show is a fast-paced (I’m never going to stop with these speed puns) take on a classic superhero. By embracing the elements of the character that made The Flash a touchstone in the world of comics, the show has reaped a lot of dividends. The trend in a lot of superhero stories is to get away from the more ludicrous story elements of the comic books. The Flash took that notion and ran away from it. It managed to make Gorilla Grodd an effective character, for God’s sake. What’s more, the series was immensely popular, outperforming Arrow and forcing that show to rethink how it would conduct its next season. DC Comics has taken heat for how it plans to manage all its properties, from the upcoming shared universe movies like Batman vs. Superman to Arrow and The Flash, but this show may hold the method to their madness. Season one ended with an acknowledgement that the multiverse is real, opening up the possibility that all of the DC properties are, in fact, connected even if they seem contradictory. The Flash plans on delving even deeper into the multiverse next year when it returns.

Status: renewed for season 2, to air this fall

So much rain, you guys. Seriously, so much rain."

Gotham

Oh, Gotham. Where do I begin with you? You know I’m a huge Batman fan, so you’ve pretty much got my attention from the start. I’ll never quit you. That said, let’s tighten things up a bit in season two, mmkay? Gotham made strides in its first season by establishing a very lived-in Gotham City. The show was stylized and beautiful to look at. And what they got right, they nailed: Carmen Bicondova’s Selina Kyle is precisely how Selina should be played as a young teenager. Donal Logue is Harvey Bullock and Robin Lord Taylor has earned the praise he’s gotten for his portrayal of the Penguin. Now the show needs to focus on fixing its two weakest links: Jim Gordon and Bruce Wayne, ostensibly the heroes of the show. Gotham was predicated on the notion that the show was going to be more about the development of Batman’s villains than on him. In that sense, the show has succeeded because the “evil” characters are by far more interesting to watch. The problem is that we still need to feel like we’re on the side of Gordon and Bruce Wayne, even if Bruce is still only a child. Creating compelling, layered bad guys is important for good storytelling, but as long as the narrative focus is always returning to Jim and Bruce the show will have a hard time capitalizing on its biggest assets.

Status: renewed for season 2, to air this fall

Undeath is no excuse for an unrefined palate. 

iZombie

Last but not least, the little zombie show that could. As a comic book property, iZombie is perennially overshadowed by its bigger siblings, the superheroes and that other zombie show that people are losing their heads over. That positioning is unfortunate, because iZombie is delightful. It’s the story of Liv Moore (yes, that’s on the nose), a medical resident who is bit by a zombie at “the world’s worst boat party” and awakes to find herself desiring brains. Unable to connect with her old life, Liv becomes a medical examiner and discovers that if she eats the brains of bodies brought in, she can take on flashes of their memories and personality which, natch, she does to help solve crimes. So long as she regularly eats, Liv seems to be a normal, if pale, girl, so much so that her family and friends hardly notice that anything has happened other than assuming her new more lethargic personality is the result of the trauma of the “boating accident” she was involved in. The show plays with melodrama and humor masterfully, which is to be expected given that the show was developed by Rob Thomas and Diane Ruggiero-Wright, the creators of Veronica Mars. As such, the show contains some of the same DNA as their previous creation. Liv is, essentially, Veronica if she had moved to Seattle, become a zombie, and grew up in a slightly less paranoid home. The same noir-tinged voiceovers and wit that made Veronica Mars memorable to fans is on display here. The show was praised by critics and fans, although some fans were displeased by the in some cases significant departures that the show makes from the comic book.  iZombie was probably the biggest surprise of this season and season two looks to continue the trend.

Status: renewed for season 2, to air this fall

So, winners and losers of the 2014-2015 comic book television season? The Flash and Agent Carter are comfortably sitting on top, followed closely by iZombie. All three had positive fan and critical reactions and all three are coming back for their second season. Daredevil and Arrow occupy the middle ground; both were solid entries into the genre, however both darker and both shows that took themselves far too seriously at times. Gotham and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. come next; both shows are very high concept and will have hardcore fans loving what they’re doing. They both have the backing of their parent companies probably more than either one deserve, but that alone should keep them chugging along for at least a while. Constantine, the only show not to be renewed, is sadly the biggest loser. Fans of the character know, however, that John Constantine usually finds a way to show up in places where he wasn’t supposed to be, so we’ll see how long it will be before he’s mucking things up for everyone again.

But wait! There’s more! This post gives you a sense of the current slate of comic book shows, but next season is going to nearly double the number of properties on your television. For a full run-down of the new comic book characters about to grace your screen this coming year, check back soon.

Fall TV 2014: My Picks

Ah, it's that time of year again. The temperatures are (finally) cooling off, kids are headed back to school, and a young-ish girl's mind turns to thoughts of the new Fall television season.

What? It's hormonal and all a perfectly normal part of development.

As usual there are a lot of new shows airing this Fall on the networks and I'm here to hopefully provide a little guidance as to what is looking good. Now, please bear in mind, I'm not one of those fancy paid tv critics who has access to advance pilots and press packets. Oh, no. Instead, my opinions are based solely on the descriptions I have read of the shows, who is starring in them, the "buzz" on the internet, and my gut. So basically, I am completely uninformed. Which in America makes me an expert!

And just so you know that I take this shit very seriously, here are my notes and viewing grid that I have compiled over the past few days:

The most impressive thing is actually that I have nice handwriting. 

So, here the 5 shows I am most looking forward to in the new Fall season (in no particular order):

Constantine: Friday nights at 10:00PM on NBC, premiere on 10/24 (oooh, right before Halloween!). 

From the NBC website: "Based on the wildly popular comic book series "Hellblazer" from DC Comics, seasoned demon hunter and master of the occult John Constantine (Matt Ryan, "Criminal Minds") is armed with a ferocious knowledge of the dark arts and a wickedly naughty wit. He fights the good fight - or at least he did. With his soul already damned to hell, he's decided to abandon his campaign against evil until a series of events thrusts him back into the fray, and he'll do whatever it takes to protect the innocent."

There has already been some controversy with the show, notably that the character isn't bisexual and doesn't smoke (since he is and does both in the comics), and some casting shake-ups, but the pilot has tested well with critics and the folks at Comic Con. Also, I really liked the movie (the one with the amazing Tilda Swinton and, oh yeah Keanu Reeves was in there too). This one just pushes all my fangirl buttons and I admit--I'm looking forward to it!

Sure, he's smoking hot...but he is supposed to be SMOKING.

Gotham: Monday nights at 8:00PM on FOX, premiere on 9/22. 

I'm not the only TV Slut excited about Gotham; Clovis has already laid claim to the recapping privileges. This shouldn't be a big surprise, he is a bit of a comic book nerd. That's right--this one is another comic book adaption, though it takes even more liberties than Constantine and The Flash (discussed below).

FOX says, "The good. The evil. The beginning. Everyone knows the name Commissioner Gordon. He is one of the crime world's greatest foes, a man whose reputation is synonymous with law and order. But what is known of Gordon's story and his rise from rookie detective to Police Commissioner? What did it take to navigate the multiple layers of corruption that secretly ruled Gotham City, the spawning ground of the world's most iconic villains? And what circumstances created them – the larger-than-life personas who would become Catwoman, The Penguin, The Riddler, Two-Face and The Joker? GOTHAM is an origin story of the great DC Comics Super-Villains and vigilantes, revealing an entirely new chapter that has never been told."

I am intrigued by the premise, and hey, it's got Jada Pinkett Smith as a mob boss. Baller. 

The Flash: Tuesday nights at 8:00PM on The CW.

Yes, it's ANOTHER comic book adaption! It really pays to have a successful comic book series these days. Literally. Anyhoodle, The Flash is a spin-off from Arrow (which has become one of my favorite action dramas) so I have high hopes. It also stars the adorable Grant Gustin (who guest starred on Arrow last year and was also delightful as an evil gay rival glee-clubber on Glee). Rumor has it we can also expect lots of crossovers with Arrow including Felicity--who was set-up as a love interest for Barry last season. 

CW's official description: "Barry Allen is a brilliant, driven and endearingly geeky CSI investigator, whose determination to uncover the truth about his mother’s strange death leads him to follow up on every unexplained urban legend and scientific advancement that comes along. Barry’s latest obsession is a cutting edge particle accelerator, created by visionary physicist Harrison Wells and his S.T.A.R. Labs team. However, something goes horribly wrong during the public unveiling, and when the devastating explosion causes a freak storm, many lives are lost and Barry is struck by lightning. After nine months in a coma, Barry awakens to find his life has changed once again – the accident has given him the power of super speed, granting him the ability to move through Central City like an unseen guardian angel. Barry has always had the heart of a hero and now he has the legs to match, but he quickly learns that being a superhero is not as easy as it seems -- and he can’t do it alone."

Jane the Virgin: Monday nights at 9:00PM on The CW, premiere on 10/13.

I know, I know, it's a terrible title. But this adaption of a Venezuelan telenovela has been getting a lot of positive buzz for months and the previews I've seen make it seem very Ugly Betty-esque. The description below doesn't really due the show any favors (it also sounds kind of terrible), but trust me on this one. It should be funny, entertaining, and seems like it has a good heart. 

The CW says: "When Jane Villanueva was a young girl, her grandmother, Alba, convinced her of two things: telenovelas are the highest form of entertainment, and women must protect their virginity at all costs. Now age 23, Jane is a driven young woman studying to become a teacher, nursing a dream to be a writer, and supporting herself with a job at a hot new Miami hotel. All of Jane’s meticulous life plans are turned upside down, however, when she sees her doctor for a routine check-up and is accidentally artificially inseminated with a specimen meant for the patient in the next room. Unbeknownst to her, the specimen belongs to Rafael, a reformed playboy and cancer survivor, who is not only the new owner of the hotel where Jane works but also a former summer crush of hers. A few weeks later, the unsuspecting Jane is faced with the most important decisions of her life. Will she continue with the pregnancy? How can she explain the situation to her fiancé and family? And what should she do about the wishes of the biological father, Rafael, and his scheming wife Petra?"

Oh, you cannot imagine how hard I would sue that doctor.

And....finally.....Z Nation: Friday nights at 10:00PM on SyFy, premiere on 9/12 (THIS FRIDAY!).

It's like The Walking Dead, except, you know, if things actually happened and people did more than just randomly walk around in the zombie-ridden world and then inexplicably decide to stand still for long periods of time without formulating any long term plans for their basic survival. Did I say that out loud? OH YES I DID. Basically, it will be The Walking Dead but not boring. At least, that's the hope!

From the SyFy website: "Z Nation starts three years after the zombie virus has gutted the country, a team of everyday heroes must transport the only known survivor of the plague from New York to California, where the last functioning viral lab waits for his blood. Although the antibodies he carries are the world’s last, best hope for a vaccine, he hides a dark secret that threatens them all. With humankind’s survival at stake, the ragtag band embarks on a journey of survival across three thousand miles of rusted-out post-apocalyptic America."

Z Nation also wins the "best tagline" contest this year.

Honorable mention for Gracepoint over on FOX, a remake of the astounding BBC series, Broadchurch.

Some random/interesting stats I pulled from my personalized tv viewing grid for the Fall:

--FOX and ABC are tied for the network I will watch most--I plan on viewing 8 shows on each network (including new and returning programs). 

--My busiest time slot is Tuesday between 9:00 and 10:00PM, there are 4 shows I want to watch! Agents of SHIELD, Supernatural, and New Girl/The Mindy Project. I think I am going to have to record SHIELD and the FOX comedies and then catch Supernatural on On Demand. Sorry, Jensen, but you know I still love you--though your show has been a bit long in the tooth for a while.

--There are 15 new shows I plan to give a try! But please bear in mind: even though I picked 15 new shows to watch, most of them won't make my cut after the first episode. And I will probably only choose about 3 to stick with through the entire season. 

And now it's your turn! Anything you are looking forward to seeing this Fall? If you need a good resource to plan your viewing schedule, check out TV Guide's website where they have a day-by-day viewing grid and a premiere calendar. 

Happy viewing!

Spring show reviews

Every Spring the networks roll out some new shows trying to fill the gaps left by the failed Fall shows. Hope springs eternal--maybe this time they'll find something that catches on! But from what I have seen so far...I'm not sure we have any big hits. Here are some capsule reviews of some of the new shows I've managed to catch!

Resurrection: what would you do if your long dead loved ones suddenly started coming home? Looking the exact same as they did at the time of their death and with no memory of anything since their unfortunate...accidents? This set of circumstance is the central plot of ABC's Resurrection, which is actually not too bad. In fact, it's pretty good, if a bit meandering.

In the small town of Arcadia, Missouri, people are starting to come back from the dead. Not like zombie hordes, but one or two people here and there. They aren't hungry for brains, but just want to get back to their lives. Except they've been gone for quite some time...and their families aren't sure whether they are the same. All the medical tests seem to indicate and they are normal healthy humans, but clearly something strange is afoot.

Well, that's not ominous at all.

I am enjoying this show more than I thought I would, I think in part because it's way darker than I expected. Not everyone who has come back is a good person and the show is doing a nice job of teasing out subtle clues about the how and why of the resurrections. I genuinely want to find out what happens next and to know what the hell is going on. The cast is also pretty great, especially the always good Omar Epps as a US immigration agent (random, I know) who finds himself at the middle of the mystery.

Resurrection airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST and you can catch up with all the episodes over on the show's website.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge: Syfy's new show is clearly trying to capture the same magic as the fantastic Face Off. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work for me.

In JHCSC, the contestants are challenged to create and fabricate creatures that are Jim Henson-y in style. Human actors/puppeteers bring the creatures to life (usually from inside the large puppet body) and they are "shot" on a soundstage in the Jim Henson studios in front of the panel of the judges.

I like the concept, but the show just doesn't have the same entertainment value as Face Off. Maybe it's because the challenges are a little more limited as they are constrained by the muppet-style of the overall show's conceit, but I just find it hard to get into. I'll give it a few more episodes, but unless things pick up I don't think I'll stick with it.

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge airs Tuesday evenings at 10:00 EST on Syfy.

Turn: It doesn't really matter if this new AMC show is terrible (it isn't), because I am going to watch it no matter what. There are two reasons:

1) It takes place during the Revolutionary War, a criminally un-represented area of American history in movies and television.

2) The cast includes JJ Feild who played the dreamy Mr. Henry Tilney in the BBC's most recent adaptation of Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey. You bros might know him as "the English guy in the beret" who was part of Captain America's team in Captain America: The First Avenger.

It takes a real man to rock a cravat. 

The good news is the show isn't terrible, hurray! It is a bit confusing though, so make sure you are sitting on the thinking side of your couch and are paying attention. It's not really the type of show you can just have on in the background while you wander around your apartment picking up and putting away all your shoes.*

The show tells the story of America's first spy ring...which sounds fancy but really just means it's about this farmer (Jamie Bell, sans Billy Elliot dancing shoes, alas) who lives in British-occupied New York and ends up reluctantly spying for the Continental Army. I say reluctantly not because he was a British loyalist, but because he basically just wants to live with his family and grow cabbages or lettuce or something. But you know, these things happen. And I guess he ends up forming something called the Culper Ring and inventing modern spycraft? This is all according to the show's website. After the first two episodes the spies have only just figured that maybe hanging a special petticoat on a wash line isn't the best way to communicate with each other. Baby steps.

Anyway, it's enjoyable if a bit complicated, but the attention to detail in the sets and costumes is nice. Also, JJ Feild. So you should watch it.

TURN airs Sunday evenings at 9:00 EST on AMC. You can watch the two episodes that have already aired over on the website.


*Just me?

Helix

I have a poor track record with Syfy original drama series. Sure, I like their Canadian imports (like Lost Girl), and there have been some winners (Battlestar Galactica), but for the most part I find their shows like Warehouse 13, Eureka, and Haven barely tolerable.

So I didn't have high hopes for the new series, Helix. But the preview looked intriguing--kind of like that episode of The X-Files, Ice, where Mulder and Scully travel to the arctic to investigate a parasitic worm alien thing that was dug out of the ice.

And it turns out Helix is actually better than intriguing: it's tense, creepy, and the plot goes way past what I saw in the previews. Think of it as The Thing + Contagion + The Walking Dead = AWESOME.

From the Syfy show page:

Helix is an intense thriller about a team of scientists from the Centers for Disease Control who travel to a high-tech research facility in the Arctic to investigate a possible disease outbreak, only to find themselves pulled into a terrifying life-and-death struggle that holds the key to mankind's salvation...or total annihilation. Helix is the product of some of the biggest names in genre television, starting with Executive Producer Ronald D. Moore (Battlestar Galactica). 

The show takes what has become a standard genre plot (weird viral/parasitic outbreak in the arctic), and adds some cool twists by teasing out details of larger mysteries. What is the real purpose behind the experiments at the research facility? Why is the head honcho creepily obsessed with one of the CDC scientists? Who is the military engineer really working for? I'm invested in finding the answers which is more than I can say for most drama series these days.

Two other things that really make the show work. A certain percentage of the infected people become what the CDC calls "vectors." Meaning they seek to the spread the infection to as many people as possible....which in the Helix world means they become crazy feral monsters who run you down and vomit black goo into your mouth. Think fast zombies, but with less brain munching and more black fluid expulsion. Not only are the current survivors fearful of invisible microbes, they also have to watch out for their friends and colleagues.

This will certainly end well for us all.

The nature of the assaults (the vomiting of the black goo into the victim's mouth) is almost sexual in nature which only adds to the terrifying atmosphere. It's frightening in the same way the Alien moves are frightening--the assault is invasive and violating and all the scarier for it.

Helix is not for the faint of heart--while there isn't a lot of typical gun/knife/punching violence, as mentioned above there's lots of fluid spewing and claustrophobic tense scenes. But there's also a complex and interesting plot which moves the show beyond the typical Syfy series. I definitely recommend checking it out.

Helix airs on the Syfy channel Fridays at 10:00 pm EST and the pilot episode is available for viewing online on the show's home page.

Recapping AHS: Burn The Witch!

Yes, there’s a lot of zombie stuff we need to get into, but before we do that, let’s take a quick detour back to Halloween, 1833, shall we? Madame Lalaurie is hosting her All Hallows Eve gala and has decided to do the whole peeled grapes in the bowl as eyeballs thing. Only, this is Madame Lalaurie and her endless supply of actual body parts, so she’s kind of done it in reverse. All this grossing out the eligible bachelors has got Madame’s daughters bummed out – they’re never going to land a good man with mother making the men stick their hands into tureens of slave entrails, after all. Borquita, the eldest daughter, in particular is getting sick of mom’s shit and suggests to her sisters that maybe they should end mother’s life a little early. Of course, Madame’s no fool and has all three of her daughters taken from their beds that night and locked into the same torture cages as the slaves in the attic, promising to leave them there for “no more than a year” if they’re good. Borquita, in particular, has earned a “special present.” Delphine promises to stuff her mouth full of shit on Christmas day. All of which is to say that we can understand a why the three daughters, now properly zombified by Marie Laveau’s spell in the modern day, are leading the zombie horde that’s invading Miss Robicheaux’s in the hopes of maybe having a few words with Delphine. Payback, she is a bitch.

Which one is the ugly one again?

Speaking of bad mother/daughter relationships, Fiona has barely managed to get Cordelia to a hospital following her attack. The acid has burned through Cordelia optic nerve, effectively making her blind. Fiona isn’t taking it well, between the emotions and the pills she’s popping and the alcohol from earlier.

At the house, Nan figures out that the zombies are, actually, zombies since she can’t hear their thoughts. Zoe takes command, turning off the lights and telling the girls to bar the windows. Cute boy Luke figures it all for a prank, however and goes outside to confront the zombies, believing them to be kids playing pranks. When he goes outside, the zombies… do nothing. We’ve seen shambling zombies and running rage zombies, but these are apparently the boring variety. At least they are until a levitating Marie Laveau suddenly issues a command and the zombies spring to life and begin to devour passersby. At which point Luke finally loses his shit, but not before being attacked. Nan’s having none of it and runs outside to help. Zoe, meanwhile, orders everyone upstairs before heading out to find Nan and Luke, who have managed to get into a car that’s being swarmed.

"Fear not, powerful ladies. I, a man, am here."

Fiona wanders around an increasingly creepy hospital, searching for…I don’t know, absolution? Distraction? More drugs? More drugs. She finds the physicians’ store and, using magic to get in, helps herself to a few new designer cocktails before heading back into the hallway, just in time to see the robed figure that attacked Cordelia wandering through the hallway in the distance.  Before she can catch up with it, though, she’s distracted by a woman screaming in a room by herself. The woman has just delivered a stillborn baby and because this is the most criminally understaffed hospital in all of New Orleans, the staff has just left the baby’s corpse next to the traumatized women and left them both in the room. Fiona picks up the infant’s corpse and forces it into the mother’s arms, demanding that she hold her new daughter and tell her how much she loves her. Fiona is trying to exorcise her own demons and in the process has just instilled about twenty new ones into this poor young woman. The young mother, terrified, complies with Fiona’s insisting that she tell the baby how beautiful she is, how she’ll never leave her, etc. It’s ridiculously creepy right up until the point when Fiona places her hand on the child’s blue corpse and the dead baby suddenly comes life. Yay?

Inside the school, Delphine is getting ice for Queenie, who’s still suffering from that Minotaur goring/sexing, when she spies one of the zombies through the window of the kitchen. Who should it be but none other than ZombieBorquita! Delphine instantly opens the door to her, proving that being alive for 250 years still doesn’t proclude acting like an idiot. Not that Delphine’s ever made good life decisions, but there we are. Delphine begs Borquita to “come back to me”, asking her to remember in some part of her that Delphine is her mother. Thing is, Borquita does remember that, which is not great news for Delphine or her throat as the zombie lunges.

Upstairs, Queenie and Spaulding hide in a room while Borquita advances toward them. Queenie attemps to use her powers to harm Boquita, but while being a human voodoo doll is probably great against humans, it does crap all against something that’s already dead. Things are looking dire, right up until Delphine herself shows up behind Borquita and shoves a poker through the zombie’s heart, bringing her down finally. “She had a monster for a mother,” Delphine sobs. “This last act was the only kindness I ever did for her.”

Back in that car, things are looking worse for Nan and Luke until Zoe distracts the zombies by literally banging a pot and pan together and getting them to run after her. They chase her into a storage shed, proving that even witches turn into classic Final Girl clichés when they’re in horror movies. Nan and Luke take advantage of the distraction and try to run, but Luke’s bleeding out and the zombies are approaching. And then bring on ZOE, the MOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE SLAYER with her motherfucking CHAINSAW! (Also, well done to Spaulding for keeping a well-stocked lawn shed, apparently.) Zoe mows down the zombies wicked hardcare, right up until the last one when the chainsaw stops working. Zoe is backed into a corner, but suddenly gets cool and calm, uttering words in a foreigh language and shutting down the zombie. At the same time, a levitating Marie Laveau plummets to the floor. “Shit,” she says, picking herself up. “I don’t know what that was, but they got some real power at that witch house now…”

In the hospital, Hank has come to Cordelia’s side, giving Fiona a chance to trash him. He tries to argue that he’s the moral one here which, you know, heh. Fiona tells him he has fifteen minutes with her alone and then he needs to be done. “You can go on your own or my way,” She tells him. “I don’t care which, although I prefer the latter.” Hank goes to touch Cordelia’s hand and instantly Cordelia screams awake – and sees everything that Hank did to the redheaded girl last episode.

"Well, shit."

The next morning, it’s time for clean-up, which always sucks on November 1^st, but really sucks now because it involves burning dead bodies. “Maybe we should get some more cedar chips to cover the stench?” Zoe suggests to Nan as they throw more body parts onto a fire in the backyard. Fiona thanks Zoe for what she did to keep the Coven safe and just then, the Council arrives. Again. Time for more Witch Court!

Myrtle Snow should really know by now that Witch Court against Fiona is never going to go the way she wants it to.  Yes, Madison is still missing. Cordelia is assaulted. The Council insists that since everything’s happened since Fiona has come back to New Orleans, Fiona needs to abandon her position as Supreme and give authority of the Coven to the Council. Fiona, however, claims that Myrtle is up to more than she let’s on. “Our enemy hides in plain sight,” she insists and names that enemy as Myrtle herself, accusing her of being the person in the robe who attacked Cordelia and reveals that Myrtle was even in town before Madison went missing, hiding out in a cheap hotel and plotting to overthrow Fiona, even maintaining a serial killer wall of pictures of Fiona, which Fiona has helpfully gotten pictures of on her cell phone. As the final proof, Fiona yanks off Myrtle’s glove to reveal that her hand is burned and disfigured by the same acid that was used to attack Cordelia. “You give us no choice,” the Council members say when confronted with the evidence. “Burn the witch.”

Myrtle resigns herself, saying she’s been swimming against the tide all her life and she will go proudly to the fire. The thing is, this is all very literal. The next day, Myrtle is marched out to a quarry with a pitch that’s already been set up. The Council, Fiona, the students and the albino black men cart Myrtle up to the pitch and douse her with kerosene. (Sidebar, I kind of love that this is so matter-of-fact. Like, this is such a normal part of witch life that there’s just a pitch already made up for these occasions.) Myrtle uses her last words to decry everyone as being like toads in a pot that Fiona is slowly bringing to a boil. “I’d rather burn that boil,” Myrtle declares just before Fiona lights her up with her cigarette LIKE A BOSS.

"Come on, Baby, light my fire…"

Later, the truth (such as it is) comes out. Queenie comes to Fiona and tells her that she’s not sure they did the right thing. Turns out, those burns on Myrtle’s hands? They were made by Queenie burning her own hands in the acid and putting the wounds on Myrtle. Queenie is doubting her actions, but Fiona sweet talks her, complimenting her on her strength and her bright future. “You could arise to heights you dare not imagine,” Fiona tells her. “Maybe that’s what this Coven needs – a Supreme of color.”

Upstairs, meanwhile, Spaulding is covering his attic of dolls with disinfectant and deodorant, covering the stench of Madison’s rapidly decaying body. When he tries to her move her from the chest he’s got her stored in, he accidently rips off one of her arms. Comedy!

Back at the burning pitch, meanwhile, who should stumble onto the charred remains of Myrtle snow but Misty Day, out from the swamp on her…I don’t know, constitutional? Or something? Earth child Misty bends down, places her hands on Myrtle’s charred corpse and Myrtle opens her eyes.

Recapping AHS: That Voodoo That You Do

Happy (belated) Halloween, everyone! Here's the second of two recaps that I'm behind on. The first one is below.

Picture it. New Orleans. 1961. The halcyon days of America’s innocence are pretty much non-existent if you’re black and southern as a young black boy finds out when he’s chased down his street in broad daylight and lynched by four white men. Guess New Orleans has a Stand Your Ground law. Know who doesn’t take kindly to this whole Emmitt Till shit? Marie Fucking Laveau. 

"Aw no, Mama gonna do somthin' 'bout this."

After painting symbols on the floor and some drumming and some serious snake killing, Marie casts a spell. The white men, out in a field somewhere that night bemoaning the “n**gers that just keep coming” are, understandably, surprised when outside their barn hands start to come out of the ground. Hands attached to bodies. There’s snarling, growling and…wait...yes… WE HAVE ZOMBIES PEOPLE! WE HAVE FULL-ON ZOMBIES EATING THE RACIST ASSHOLES! (Including, hilariously, a long-dead Confederate Civil War soldier.) Well done, zombies.

In the modern day, we get an idea of what Spaulding, the house’s butler, likes to do in his free time, which is to play old-timey photographs and have wickedly creepy tea parties in a room full of dolls. Spaulding hears Fiona and Madison coming home and arrives in time to watch Fiona slice Madison’s throat open. Spaulding rolls Madison up into the carpet, per Fiona’s request. “I’ve always enjoyed our little talks together,” Fiona tells him. “Particularly since you lost your tongue. Makes you seem wiser, somehow.”

Just then, Fiona hears a window breaking out back and finds Queenie laying on the ground, gored through her stomach and weeping as the Minotaur rises behind her. Cut to Fiona, looking bloodied, bringing Cordelia to treat Queenie who is rapidly dying. Cordelia and Fiona argue over both of their attempts to see Marie as they try to heal Queenie using magic. Fiona fears that a war is beginning again. “I went there to show strength,” she tells Cordelia, “And you undermined me.” In Fiona’s bedroom, Delphine is terrified and confesses that Marie sent the Minotaur to kill her and that Queenie saved her. Fiona assures her that she knows and that the Minotaur isn’t coming back. How does she know?

Well, in Marie’s salon the next day, as Marie does up a neighborhood woman for free in preparation for the Mayor’s annual Halloween ball, a large box arrives delivered by “some freak who didn’t say a word.” Marie opens the box and screams, finding the Minotaur’s severed head. Oh, it is ON. Marie begins to plot when one of her compatriots tries to convince her not to begin war again, reminding her that it was Marie and Fiona’s Supreme who signed the original peace agreement in the late 60s that allowed the witches and the voodoo to coexist without fighting.

Oh, Minotaur. We hardly knew ye.

Back at the House, Kyle is still getting more out of the banging his head against the wall parts of life than anything else and Zoe is about at her wits’ end for what she’s done to him. She offers to make him some food and in the process finds a box of rat poison. You know, as you do. Figuring maybe there’s a way to Put All This Right, she mixes some into the oatmeal and then heads back upstairs to find Kyle missing and the front door wide open. Kyle is on the loose on Halloween, just as the kids are coming out for Trick or Treating. Because of course he is.

Meanwhile, Fiona is getting Delphine to help her get ready for Halloween. Delphine HILARIOUSLY has some outdated ideas about what “the end of harvest” means, including lighting the traditional bonfires and leaving out offerings to keep away demons, because people out of time are riots! Fiona, meanwhile, doesn't have the time to even deal with this shit and bring Delphine up to speed, not when she's got a holiday to celebrate. 

Werk.

Cordelia is missing her husband, Hank. Hank has told Cordelia that he is out of town on business in Baton Rouge. He’s not wrong, it’s just that business means having loud, screaming, sweaty sex with another woman that he met online in a hotel outside of town. During the naked afterglow, the two talk about Halloween and the girl wants to know what Frank was last year for Halloween. “I was a monster,” he tells her.

Subtle, guy.

Back at the house, Queenie is doing better, but there are problems. Three of them. Yes, kids – The Council has arrived, lead by Myrtle Snow who’s still “mad about Tartan.” Cordelia tells them that she’s got everything under control, the assault on Queenie was terrible but she’s doing better. Oh wait, that’s not why you’re here? Oh God. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking attempting to treat with Marie Laveau for fertility spells. Um. That’s not what you’re here for either? Basically, Cordelia sucks at playing anything close to her vest. No, the reason why the Council has arrived is because they were summoned by Nan, who believes Madison has been murdered because she can’t hear her thoughts anymore.

Judges Dowdy, Fabulous, and Dapper presiding. 

And it’s time for Witches Court! Hilariously, one of the three council actually acts as stenographer. They routinely question each of the women. Cordelia fucks it up again by basically admitting that she has no control over Madison. Zoe looks like she’s about ready to crack again. Queenie couldn’t give a shit. “If she’s dead, it’s probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a hand job or something,” she tells the Council. Nan, however, confesses that Madison was demonstrating new powers suddenly, a telling sign for a witch that is starting to become more powerful.

Back at the Hotel, Frank and the girl talk after their marathoning sex. She’s sweet, although clearly sheltered. She praises him for being “quite the world traveler, big shot USDA agent,” for having been to exotic places like San Diego. Apparently they met on a website for people who like to collect Thomas Kincaid paintings. She’s utterly smitten, praising him for not immediately asking for her nude pics. She really likes him and just asks that he doesn’t break her heart. He just smiles, holds her close, and pulls out a gun and shoots her through the head.

Back to Court! Myrtle Snow is not pleased with how Fiona has been comporting herself in her job. Fiona hasn’t been living up, not doing the things that a Supreme is supposed to do, is the only one who has been the last person to see a missing witch alive in this very house over the past 40 years, yadda yadda yadda.

To the Flashback! At the School in 1971, a young Fiona was able to convince the Council of the day that Anna-Lee went missing, possibly at the hands of Marie Laveau. The Council announces that Fiona will be the Supreme-elect after she begins the Tests of the Seven Wonders, a kind of Sorting Hat for this coven. Meanwhile, a young Myrtle is not pleased, muttering that she can’t believe Fiona is getting away with murder. As Fiona competes in the Tests, Myrtle concocts a plan – she’s noticed that young Spaulding always seems to be cleaning up after Fiona, so she enchants Spaulding’s tongue such that when the Council asks him about Fiona, he’ll have no choice but to tell the truth. Later that night, the girls all discover Spaulding in a bathroom with his tongue cut out and Fiona standing over him.

Back in 2013, Myrtle is clear that she wants Fiona to burn, calling the final witness – Spaulding. She reminds Spaulding that he’s been living under the rule of the witch who has abused him while making him brew her tea for 40 years. She tells Spaulding that he needs to only to write down the name of the witch who is responsible for severing his tongue. Spaulding calmly hands Myrtle a note – it reads “Myrtle Snow”. Turns out, back in 1971, Spaulding knew of Myrtle’s attempt to enchant him and took pre-emptive measures. Calling Fiona to the bathroom that night, he confesses that he has always loved her before cutting out his own tongue to save her.

Myrtle is… not pleased, screaming that Fiona keeps killing Supremes and getting away with it. And that’s when Cordelia drops the bomb – Madison wasn’t the next Supreme. The hallmark of a Supreme is “glowing, radiant health” and Madison had a secret heart murmur, making her ineligible.  Myrtle has been barking up the wrong proverbial tree all these years.

PWNED!

At Marie’s the spells and the drumming and the snakes are in full force yet once again as the kids take to the streets for Halloween. In a graveyard somewhere, bodies begin to rise from the ground.

Delphine is stern-talking the trick or treaters for being “street urchins” and stealing too much candy. The girls debate what’s happened to Madison and Zoe wants to go looking for her (and Kyle), but Fiona has warned them not to leave the House. Upstairs, Spaulding is back to playing his records and having his tea party, all the while getting dressed…in robes… and dresses. Oh Wait. This isn’t good. And that’s when we find out where Madison is – what’s left of her is a frozen corpse, left to attend Spaulding’s tea party while he picks out a new dress for her.

I mean, at this point, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but still. Ick. 

Somewhere in the city, Fiona and Cordelia drink in celebration and, slightly tipsy, agree to play a game where they each ask the other three questions. One of Cordelia’s questions is did Fiona kill Madison. “And no lying!” she tells her. Fiona lies straight through her teeth, saying she’s innocent and trying to get out of Cordelia who she thinks the new Supreme is. Later, Cordelia is feeling the after affects of all that alcohol and gets sick in the ladies room. As she comes out of a stall from throwing up, a figure in a hood waits for her, throwing some clear liquid into her eyes, which begins to burn Cordelia.

Back at the house, the cute boy from next door has brought over cookies, but not for Madison – they’re to thank Nan for her cake. Just then, knocking at the door. Delphine opens it to see the corpses of her three daughters joined by an entire lawn-full of zombies shambling toward the house.

And yes, that was FX just giving the middle finger all over the place to AMC. 

Recapping AHS: Kill Your Masters

Happy (belated) Halloween, everyone! To celebrate, here is the first of two recaps from the past two weeks of American Horror Story. Enjoy!

Fiona can’t sleep, so she wanders down to the liquor cabinet, as all good insomniacs do, to search for something to help. Along the way, she remembers Anna-Lee, the Supreme who ran the school in 1971 when she was a wee lass herself. Turns out Supremes aren’t born – they’re made through election and “mastery of The Seven Wonders.” Fiona believed she was ready to be the next Supreme, using as evidence that Anna-Lee had been fading, falling sicker with Diabetes and heart failure while Fiona was getting stronger.  Anna-Lee felt that Fiona wasn’t the right choice to be the Supreme. Fiona felt differently and decided to take things into her own hands by cutting open Anna-Lee’s throat in the living room of the school while Spaulding, the butler watched. The problem is, in modern times, Fiona is starting to resemble Anna-Lee way more than she does her younger self. She is still desperate to become younger and has made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

Elsewhere, Zoe has hunted down Kyle’s mother, a salt-of-the-Earth woman who smokes weed while talking with Zoe about how she misses her son, sleeping in his room now that he’s gone. Mom tells Zoe how Kyle was the one who took care of them both, on top of going to school and being a tutor and probably walking elderly ladies across the street and saving kittens from trees. She’s clearly miserable, confessing that she was actually about to kill herself out of grief when Zoe called her. Zoe tries to comfort her, promising that she’s see Kyle again.

"Again, like, in a totally not fundamentalist Christian kind of way."

Back at the school, the neighbors are moving in. The neighbors, BTW, include the requisite stud-muffin who takes off his shirt provocatively while moving heavy boxes while Queenie, Nan and Madison watch eagerly. The ogling is not unnoticed by the lad’s hyper religious mother. Upstairs meanwhile, Delphine is watching Barack Obama giving a speech and sobbing. “LIESSSSSSSSSSS!” she hisses at the TV when Fiona tells her about all the progress black people have made.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving us this scene.

Anyway, Delphine has to make a living in the modern world. Fiona has decided to make her the new Maid. As her first task, she berates Queenie when Queenie asks for a sandwich, calling her a “foul negress”. A fight almost breaks out until Fiona intervenes, deciding the best way to resolve this particular problem is to make Delphine Queenie’s “personal slave.” Oh Delphine – the future isn’t always bright, is it?

In the swamp, Misty cuddles on the bed with ZombieKyle and signs along to Stevie Nicks. Honestly, I kind of love these two together, more than Kyle and Zoe. The show is clearly going to force us to go with the boring pairing when this one is way more interesting. Either way, Zoe arrives to find that Kyle is mostly bodily healed, even if he’s still nonverbal. Misty wants them both to stay for dinner, probably because she’d like to talk more about Fleetwood Mac with someone other than a reanimated alligator, but Zoe insists that she has to get Kyle back to civilization. Misty tries to keep Kyle, but Zoe separates them, promising to come back for Misty. “No you won’t,” she mutters sadly to herself as they leave.

Nan and Madison are bringing a cake to the cute boy next door. Madison has dressed her best “I’m here to get laid” dress, but cute boy Luke seems impervious to her sexy talk, preferring to talk with Nan about the cake. It’s lemon cake, “I knew it was your favorite,” Nan tells him. Luke is totally into it, although his mother is quick to shoo the girls out, saying they’re on their way to church, despite it not even being Sunday. “You know that’s a crock of shit,” Madison tells them, seductively holding the cake knife. When the mother struggles with it, Madison causes the knife to go flying across the room and the curtains to spontaneous light on fire. “I didn’t know you could do that,” Nan says. “Neither did I,” Madison responds.

Cordelia is back at the doctor’s getting bad news. At the same time, so is Fiona. Both of them have concerning blood work. For Cordelia it means no baby. For Fiona, it means no elective surgery, and possibly something else. Later, as Fiona is contemplating her fate, she gets a visit from Joan Ramsey, the religious mother next store who has brought her a copy of the Bible, something she always does when she visits a new place. She’s not happy with the girls “invading” her property and dressed so scandalously that she fears for her son’s virginity. She also spills the beans about the knife and the curtains, which raises Fiona’s interest. Madison enters the room to taunt Joan, scaring her away. Fiona, however, wants a longer talk with Madison.

"I do what the Good Book tells me. Like judging people indiscriminately and casting stones."

Zoe, brain trust that she is, has brought Kyle to his old home, left him on the front porch and rings the doorbell. Apparently “The Monkey’s Paw” is not on the curriculum at Miss Robicheaux’s. Either way, Kyle’s mom is ecstatic to see her son again. Perhaps too much so. That night, Kyle lays in his bed and his mother is still trying to figure it all out. She sits next to Kyle, asking how it is that his body looks different than she remembers it. Why does she have such attention paid to her son’s body? That’s odd. But it doesn’t matter, she insists, laying next to him and kissing him lightly. Then more than lightly. Then moving her hand over his chest. Then farther down. Then OH DEAR GOD, PEOPLE – WE HAVE INCEST! WE HAVE MAJOR INCEST HAPPENING! OH GOD IS NOTHING SACRED?!?!

Cordelia has gone to the other side of the tracks to get a meeting with Marie Laveau. Marie is sitting on a throne (literally) made of gold and alligator bodies and bones and lots of other things. Awesomely, she’s also playing Solitare on her iPad. Loves it. Cordelia wants to know about Marie’s world-famous fertility spell. “You know that spell ain’t no picnic for anyone involved,” Marie warns. We see Cordelia led to a fire while Marie dances while eating the hottest pepper on Earth and throwing a mason jar of Cordelia’s husband’s “Baby gravy” over the fire while Cordelia is covered in the blood of a goat’s slit throat. Just Kidding! That’s what would have happened if Marie was feeling up to helping the daughter of her now-sworn enemy, Fiona.

"It's for the best. It takes days to get rid of White Eye."

Zoe gets a call from Kyle’s mother, saying Kyle’s come back but it’s not him. She then tells Kyle that she knows that she’s “been possessive” but it’s time for him to move on with his life, even if she knows that he needed it as much as she did. Kyle has moved from blank nonverbal to threatening nonverbal as his mother tries to begin the make outs with him again. “That girl doesn’t know how please you, not like I can,” she tells him as Kyle finally manages to remember the word for “NOOOOOOOO!” and grabs one of his sports trophies and begins to smash in his mother’s head. Later, Zoe arrives at Kyle’s darkened house to find a pulpy mother and a bloody Kyle.

Fiona and Madison are having brunch. Fiona is eager to teach Madison what she’s needs to know, telling her that she’s going to be the next Supreme. As a test, she tells Madison to make a man standing across the street walk into busy traffic. Madison manages it, though the man is unhurt when the cars stop around him.

At home, Queenie has made Delphine make her dinner, including Peach Cobbler. Delphine tries to tell Queenie to stop eating if she wants to even land a man before noticing something in the darkness outside. Suddenly the Minotaur appears at the window and begins to bang against the door with his horns. Delphine spills the beans that she’s not just some racist maid, but she begs Queenie to save her from the Minotaur in any case. Queenie cuts open Delphine’s palm and obsorbs some of the blood onto a towel before sending her upstairs for safety and then heading outside. Terrified, but strangely excited as well, Queenie lures the Minotaur to an alley behind the house. “You just wanted love, and that makes you a beast,” she tells it. “They called me that too, but that’s not who we are. We both deserve love like everyone else. Don’t you want to love me?” Because why not, American Horror Story? Why not also have necrophiliac bestiality in the episode about incest?

Availing ourselves fully of the "parental discretion advised" warning tonight, I see.

Madison and Fiona have been having quite the day, ending it now at a pool hall and cleaning up while drinking and flirting with men. For a coke-head, Madison can’t really hold her liquor. They come home boozy and Fiona lays her cards on the table – Madison is going to be the next Supreme. She knows because her exploration into surgery has revealed that she has terminal cancer, which she attributes to her powers waning because the new Supreme, Madison, is taking her lifeforce, just as she herself did to Anna-Lee 40 years ago. Madison wants to help Fiona, but Fiona doesn’t want to go out of life ugly, bald and on chemo. “I’ve led a disreputable life, but I’ve done it in style and I’ll die likewise,” she tells her. Fiona recognizes that she’s been a shitty Supreme, wasting her power on herself instead of promoting the other witches like Anna-Lee did.

Fiona admits that she cut Anna-Lee’s throat right where Madison is standing with this very knife. Fiona tries to give the knife to Maidson, asking her to do to Fiona what Fiona did to Anna-Lee. Madison struggles, insisting that she can’t and doesn’t want to and suddenly Fiona is opening Madison’s throat, just like Anna-Lee’s. Spaulding is even right back in the room, watching like before. Madison bleeds out all over her white dress and onto the white rug on the floor before collapsing onto it. Fiona looks equal parts horrified with herself and pleased. “Bury her deep,” she tells Spaulding. “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.”

Well, this didn't go as planned.