The Carrie Diaries

I mean, what can I say? My, God, THE HAIR.

IT IS HYPNOTIC.

Look at it. So curly. So bouncy. I think I have to keep watching this show just for Carrie's hair alone. It was always c-c-c-curly, but when you combine it with the 80s fashions, how can you NOT watch?

Ok, so The Carrie Diaries. I don't really consider Carrie Bradshaw one of the pop culture icons of the ages that the world was just begging to know more about...but if you think about it from the CW's perspective, it's perfect. Teenage girl, awesome fashion sense, just beginning to learn about life and love. DONE AND DONE.

Oh, and did I mention it's set in the 80s? Neon eyeshadow! High top sneakers! Walkmans! It's all there--and sure, sometimes the fashion looks a little too 80s by way of the 2000s...but that's ok. The point is the show is bright and colorful and fun. And that's what it comes down to: it's frothy fun. If you're an older dude and don't really care about the romantic entanglements of a bunch of teenage girls, this is probably not the show for you, but for me it's like a Twinkie (tastes great, less filling). And I mean that as a compliment.

When we first meet Carrie, it's 1984 and she is 16 years old and living in Connecticut, getting ready for the first day of a new school year. Her mother has just passed away during the summer, so Carrie finds herself somewhat adrift, and trying to find her place in the house with her Dad and younger sister. But she's got a good group of friends, and there's the sexy new guy at school (Sebastian) to deal with....

Her Dad also manages to score her an internship at a Manhattan law firm one day a week...so Carrie begins her (mostly chaste) love affair with New York City. And while there she meets the BEST part of the show. Freema Agyeman. For those of you that pay attention, that's Martha from Doctor Who. She plays Larissa Loughton, a style editor at Interview magazine, who takes Carrie under her wing. Of course, she doesn't exactly know that Carrie is still in high school, but Larissa is like an 80s version of Samantha from Sex and the City and injects some very welcome energy (and color--literally in all senses of the word) into the show. She's living the high life and enjoying every second of it. Oh, and she also uses her British accent. I hate it when Brits have to adopt an American accent for tv--let your English flag fly, girl!

At the end of the day, The Carrie Diaries isn't going to blow your mind or keep you on the edge of your seat. But it's a fun look back at a specific period in America and a specific period in a girl's life that I find wildly enjoyable. The stakes may not seem super high; there's no world to save or murders to solve. But if you were ever a teenage girl then you know that when it comes to your heart, the stakes couldn't get much higher.

Oh, and did I mention the hair?

The Carrie Diaries airs Mondays at 8:00 on the CW.

Does Murray Handle Malpractice Cases?

This recap contains SPOILERS. If you did not watch the most recent episode, and have also been living under a rock, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. STOP. GO BACK. THE BRIDGE IS OUT.

Hi, I'm Laura Linney and…this is why you should never get pregnant.

We open with Dr. Clarkson paying a prenatal nighttime visit to Downton to check on Lady Sybil. She apparently had labor pains, but it was a false alarm. Dr. Clarkson says she's fine. Robert arrogantly tells folksy country practitioner Clarkson that Sir Philip Tapsell, a fancy London doctor, will arrive tomorrow.

Downstairs, new kitchen maid Ivy is discussing her eventual baby-making plans. She's unmarried, so let's hope we have another Ethel in the making. There's a little bit of ho-yay served up at the tea table between Jimmy and Thomas. O'Brien looks as though she has had An Idea. Daisy is still pissed that Ivy…well, exists, really.

Upstairs, it's time for breakfast in bed with a side of "I'm taking over managing the estate" talk. Matthew's got ideas about how to turn things around and save Downton for future generations, and he doesn't want to upset Robert by letting him know he's been a giant fail in that department for the last several years. 

But I can't possibly be incompetent. I'm rich!

Over in Cora and Robert's room, Robert explains his decision to contact Tapsell. Clarkson misdiagnosed Matthew AND missed warning signs with Lavinia. Not his fault, really. Matthew's sudden cure was more than a tad unrealistic, and Lavinia was killed off for having an incurable case of being in the way.

Much more after the jump.

Recapping AHS: Time is Not on My Side

Sorry we're a little behind on the AHS recaps. Fear not! The first of the final two of this season is here!

Nighttime at Kit’s house in 1967. Peace, tranquility, etc. Right up until the moment we see Kit wander into the frame, covered in blood, breathing heavy and holding an axe. “Daddy?” someone calls. “Be there in a minute,” Kit responds. Oh dear.

Should end well.

Act I! Grace is drawing the aliens while Alma talks about all the food they’re growing in their garden and the two kids play in the living room together. They’ve clearly formed a tidy little non-traditional Summer of Love home together. Neat. That night, Alma tells Kit she’s worried that Grace has been obsessed with the aliens. Kit thinks she just needs time to process, but Alma urges Kit to spend the night with Grace instead of her, I guess to help her, ahem, get less focused? Whatever, Grace is in her room still sketching creepy pictures. She tells Kit she’s doing this so that their children will understand where they came from and that Alma needs to stop trying to forget the past. Kit starts with the sexy time when cue the pulsing alien lights which suddenly come back and Alma begins to freak believing they’re here for her. Kit grabs the baseball bat again and runs outside. Turns out its not aliens at all, but locals who are taunting the household because of the unconventional nature of it. The cops aren’t too eager to chase down anyone given that polygamy is illegal in Massachusetts. It’s all a lot for Alma, who is slowly breaking down. Later, Grace and Alma argue about discussing the aliens in front of the children. Alma equates the experience to being raped and tortured and she doesn’t appreciate being told it was transformational and beautiful by the axe-murderer that her husband brought home to her and she’s had to adjust to. Guess the set up isn’t as peaceful as it looked. The argument ends in slaps and thrown dishes before Kit breaks it up. That night, Kit finds Grace in the living room drawing in the dark. Grace tells Kit how much she loves him and their collective family, but she believes “the future is coming” and they can’t hide from it and Alma needs to understand that. I’d say the scene is peaceful, except that’s right when Alma buries an axe into Grace’s back and beats her with it over and over. Kit pulls her off, but it’s too late. Grace is quite dead and Alma is left cowering in the corner, begging for the aliens not to return while Kit holds the axe.

Act II! 1968. In Briarcliff, Jude, Pepper and some other inmates sit around a table playing Candyland like it’s poker. Even as an inmate, Jude rules the roost and the others defer to her. Pepper even calls her “boss” after Jude orders her to check another inmates lithium levels. Monsignor enters the room and asks Jude for a word, but Jude scoffs that since he had her renamed Betty Drake to cover for her “death”, she’s got nothing to say. Monsignor tells her that he’s leaving Briarcliff because he’s been appointed Cardinal of New York. Also, the church has sold the facility to the state and shit is about to get bad. Monsignor says he wants to get Jude out to assuage his conscience. Later, new inmates from the state are brought in (Including Alma, btw) and who should be one of them but the Angel, flanked by two female flunkies, smoking a cigarette and looking significantly less angelic. Jude freaks and says she didn’t call her here. The “Angel”, a women’s prison inmate convicted for murder informs Jude that she’s about to become the new Queen Bee around here, but she’s willing to let Jude be “one of the girls” with her. Jude is wicked confused and confides in Pepper that she needs to get out of here, but Pepper cautions Jude not to trust Monsignor. Jude is disturbed that night to see that the “Angel” is her new cellmate. She tells Jude that everything belongs to her, now, including Jude. The next day, the “Angel” is running the common room, going all sexual harassment on a scared Alma and then shanking another inmate who was “challenging” her. That night, Jude wakes in her room to see the Angel back to being Angelic, dressed all in black, wings unfurled and moving into her for a kiss. “I don’t want to die,” screams Jude bringing the guards into the room. 

Seems like there's got to be a slash fic arena for this, right?

As the guards pull the two apart, Jude sees the “Angel” isn't the Angel at all, but someone else entirely and Jude has been hallucinating what the woman looks like all this time. Jude is brought in a straight-jacket to the new head doctor. Jude considers telling the truth when asked about the fight, but lies and says she just doesn't like the new woman. The doctor says Jude has gotten into fights with five of her new roommates over the past months. Huh? Jude asks about when Monsignor is going to get her out of here. She spoke to him on Monday. The doctor tells Jude that the now Cardinal has been gone for two years. Jude insists something’s going on and the doctor should ask Pepper for clarification. Bad news - Pepper died in 1966. Long story short – Jude has seriously gone off the deep end. The doctor is going to up Jude’s meds, but promises everything will be alright.

Act III! 1969. An extremely well-coiffed Lana is at a book reading for her bestselling memoir about her time in Briarcliff, “Maniac.” Lana dramatically reads a selection about being held in Thredson’s basement as Thredson brings in another woman to torture. “That’s bullshit,” Lana hears from the back of the audience and Thredson stands up. Clearly not really there, no one else reacts but Lana listens as he chastises her for making up things in her book. “It’s my job to tell the essence of truth,” Lana defends herself, causing a vision of Wendy to emerge who demands to know why, then, did Lana say Wendy was her roommate in the book and not her lover. Lana says their relationship “wasn’t pertinent.” Thredson accuses Lana of only being interested in the fame. 

Actually, I'm only interested in finally wearing something other than an industrial mumu, but whatevs.

Later, Lana autographs copes and divas herself to a long-suffering assistant when Kit shows up. They embrace and head for coffee, as former inmates often do. Over drinks Lana gushes about selling the rights to Hollywood and going on talk shows. Kit wants to know why Lana hasn’t exposed Briarcliff like she said she was going to, asking why she isn’t being a reporter rather than a celebrity. Kit tells Lana that Alma has recently died inside Briarcliff and so he wants to get the only person left that he cares about out of there – Jude.

Act IV! Kit tells Lana about finding Jude in an utterly dismal, filthy and overcrowded common room, disheveled and drugged but still alive. Jude's definitely gone native, telling Kit about how The Flying Nun is really the story of her life.

Scene from a light-hearted 1960s romp? Clearly. 

 Lana says Monsignor told her Jude killed herself and what can she do now? After all, “Every bed in that place, she made. Her choice.” Kit can’t believe Lana has gotten so hardened. Cut to modern day as Johnny approaches the same bookstore that Lana once gave her reading in, now going out of business. Johnny asks the sole old woman proprietor for the store’s one autographed copy of Maniac. The owner tells him it’s not for sale, it’s a private copy. Johnny throws down a lot of money and says he’s Lana’s son, but the owner tells him not possible – Lana’s only child was the baby born by rape which died shortly after birth. Johnny convinces her to let him just look at the book. Johnny says she’s going to give him that book and that he has a plan to meet Lana where he’s going to use the book to get to her and once she understands who he is, he’s going to shoot her in the face and finally complete his father’s work. Sufficiently creeped out, the owner gives him the book. 

Stop Whining and Find Something to Do

Get out your shoulder pads and sparkly dresses! It's time for Dynasty Downton Abbey! Julian Fellowes has got his mojo on in this episode, so get out your newfangled electric toasting ovens and let's make some brioche! Carson is passing out envelopes to each member of the staff. Party invitations? Don't be silly. Those poor SOBs downstairs only get to have a party when someone hands them a sock. It's mail call. Once again, Anna hasn't gotten any letters from Bates.  We learn that Bates also isn't being allowed visitors, so we get to play the game of, "Who is unfairly picking on Bates now?"

Isobel has a letter from Ethel for Mrs. Hughes.  Mrs. Hughes asks after Ethel and learns that she's become a prostitute, which is not something we say at Downton Abbey. Isobel says "prostitute" with such relish that she really makes up for the lack of its utterance in other quarters.

Poor people sometimes have to make humiliating choices? Shocking!

Carson wants to know if he can now hire more staff since the influx of Matthew's capital. JobCreatory McInheritancepants wants to know if that's really necessary, and there's subtext that maybe what Matthew wants to do with his take in the estate is eliminate some positions. 

More after the jump.

Sri's Glee Squee-cap: Yay Kurt!

There was a lot going on in tonight's episode of Glee, so I broke it down into categories - New York, Romance, and Story Arc (i.e. actual plot). The best stuff is the Kurt stuff, so let's start there!

New York: It's Kurt's first week at NYADA, and he's finding that college can be a cliquey as high school. Rachel (bitch) has abandoned him to spend time with her new boyfriend, Brody, so he decides to look into extracirriculars to meet some new friends. He's interested in the NYADA show choir, the Adam's Apples, but Rachel (bitch) warns him that it would be "career suicide." OK, suddenly show choir isn't cool enough for you? Enter Adam, the hot British founder of the group, who starts courting Kurt - for the choir, or for more...? AND THEN they sing the Jonathan Coulton version of "Baby Got Back," and I about crawl into my TV to join the group myself. Kurt gathers his courage and asks Adam out, and he says yes! Rachel (bitch) and Brody have a fight and make up or something, blah blah blah who cares. 

On one hand, I would love to see Kurt and Blaine get back together.
On the other hand... this is Adam. RAWR. 

Romance: Tina is crushing on Blaine (yes, you read that right) and suggests the student council put on a Sadie Hawkins dance so she can ask him out. Finn uses the opportunity to have the Glee girls sing for their dates - but Blaine rejects her in front of the entire club. Humiliating for her, but Unique throws some EPIC side-eye, so I'm kind of OK with it. Blaine eventually confesses that he is crushing on Sam, and they bond over wanting someone they'll never have. They go to the dance together in the end, and Tina falls hard. This should serve as a cautionary tale, children - Don't be a Fag Hag. Be an Alternative Lifestyle Enthusiast.  

Did you learn NOTHING from the Mercedes/Kurt fiasco in Season One?

Kitty tries to lure Jake away from Marley with a blatant come-on, and her obvious villany makes me long for the days of Quinn's more subtle sabotoge. Puck intervenes, telling her to back off since Jake is - for once - trying to do the right thing. For all her faults, Kitty does have some killer lines: "I don't like Jake. I'm a mean, hot bitch who likes to get what she wants." So she decides to go to the dance/have sex with Puck instead. They do have a touching moment on the dance floor where she encourages him in his screen writing. Is this going to be an actual thing? 

Story Arc: Sam suspects the Warblers are on steroids - they've gained 10 lbs of muscle and are raging over Splenda in their lattes at Starbucks. The dyanmic duo discover that Trent, the missing "sunshine" of the group, refused the juice and was summarily dismissed. Will Finn and the guys convince him to testify against the Warblers, thus disqualifying them from Regionals and give the New Directions another chance?!? Of course they will. 

Hello, my name is Trent and I'll be your dues ex machina for the evening. 

Other Notes: Not enough Unique, either in the plot lines OR in the musical numbers. It was a SADIE HAWKINS dance, which is supposed to be about reversing gender roles, and you leave your one trans character on the bench? Poor form, Glee, poor form. Also, the return of Lauren Zizes! Please, please come back - and bring the thuggery.

Deception

Well, crap.

That's all I need right now--another show to get hooked on. I mean, seriously. There's only so many hours in a day! What am I, super woman?

Anyway, Deception is fun and you should totally watch it. The End.

What, you wanted more? FINE. Think of Deception as Revenge meets Veronica Mars. A wealthy socialite, Vivian Bowers, is found dead in a hotel room of an apparent drug overdose, but suspecting there might be murder afoot, Detective Joanna Locasto goes "undercover" to infiltrate the rich and powerful Bowers family to determine the truth of what really happened.

I say "undercover," because it turns out Joanna grew up with the Bowers family (her Mom worked for them) and Vivian was her best friend. She is welcomed back into the Bowers family, but they don't know she is a cop or that she is working with the FBI to discover whether any of the family members were involved in Vivian's death.

 

Any murderers in this room? No? Carry on then.

While the show is basically a Revenge rip-off...there is still a lot to like here. First off, the main character is a woman of color and is smart and capable. That doesn't happen a lot on tv, you know. Second, there are some great performances. Victor Garber as the head of the Bowers clan, Tate Donovan as his oldest son--both are really great.  There's just something about a rich family full of secrets that is just so delicious to watch. Each episode includes revelations regarding the Bowers family and possible motives--as of now the murderer could have been anyone. Which is just the way I like it.

If you don't have room on your viewing schedule for another Rich People Murder Show then you might want to leave this be, but if you never got around to watching Revenge or the new Dallas, check out Deception. I think you will find a lot to like.

Deception airs Mondays at 10pm on NBC.

Secrets within secrets within secrets...DECEPTION. (that was an Inception joke in case you didn't get it)

The Biggest Loser

Fair warning: this is going to be one of those posts where Maggie Cats uses a television show to delve into her personal problems and tell you way more about herself than you ever needed to know. Ok, so maybe it won't be that bad--but get ready for some personal shit.

I never particularly wanted to watch The Biggest Loser. Why? Because I've been overweight, nay, fat for most of my life. I was a chubby kid and I was a chubby adult. At my peak weight 4 years ago I was big enough to compete on The Biggest Loser. There's a sobering thought for you. It took my Mom having a heart attack and my Dad having a triple bypass to wake me up to the sad reality that my heart was a ticking time bomb. From that point on I swore I would not let myself end up like that, and I got serious about getting in shape. Almost 70 pounds later I still have quite a ways to go, but I feel great about how far I have come.

So what does this have to do with The Biggest Loser? I never wanted to watch the show because I didn't want to see other people who were as big as me who were able to get their act together. Once I did start getting serious about getting fit, I just assumed the show would be about watching fat people run around and isn't that HILARIOUS? Basically, fat humor hits a little too close to home for me, so it wasn't anything I was ever interested in.

And then I discovered Jillian Michael's workouts. I've done three of them so far and love them. I am sure some people find her loud, annoying, and mean, but to me she is absolutely motivational. I know she got her start in the mainstream on The Biggest Loser, so when I heard this season she would be returning to the show--my curiosity got the better of me and I just had to tune in.

Well, color me surprised, but the show was not anything like I expected. It's a reality show, so it comes with all the usual annoyances--product placement, sound bites that repeat action we just saw two seconds ago, a sometimes glacial pace (especially in the bloated two hour episodes)...but underneath all that corporate crap is a group of people who are willing to work their asses off (literally) to get healthy. It wasn't about making them look funny or stupid or sad, but it was about everyone just working together to lose the weight.

She might just "accidently" miss and smack Jillian in the face. Not that we would blame her.

I was only about 10 minutes in before I wanted to cry. Not because it was "so beautiful!" or "they are so brave!" but because I saw so much of my old self in the people on the show. I had felt the way they felt and had gone through similar things. And watching them all work so hard with their trainers...even though I had already done my workout for the night, I just had to get off the couch and lift some weights. If they could work so hard, what excuse did I have? 

And in the end, that's why I'll keep watching. The show actually is motivational. Sure, there is some producer-manipulated tugging of the heart strings, but who cares? Some nights I don't feel like working out, but I just think of The Biggest Loser folks and all of a sudden my excuses don't seem to matter much. And yeah, maybe that's cheesy, but it's the truth. Oh, and it makes me VERY invested in the eliminations because I don't want any of these people to go home! I've watched them all struggle and work and it's just heartbreaking when the work isn't reflected in the weight loss. Perhaps in a couple weeks if the claws come out and people start backstabbing one another I'll change my tune, but for now? I LOVE THEM ALL.

As for Jillian, I have to admit it's nice to see her yell at someone other than me for a change. When she's not running the actual workouts she tends to veer a little too much into Oprah territory ("why do you think you sabotage yourself?), but you can tell she genuinely cares about the contestants and wants them to do well. When she started crying at the elimination...that's when I kind of lost it too. 

The Biggest Loser airs Monday night at 8:00 on NBC.

Going to the Chapel of First World Problems

Lady Gillian returns to give us more Downton Abbey recapping goodness!

Hello, English lit doctorates! Good thing your shift at the bookstore ends at eight so you can be home in time to catch Downton on PBS at nine! That Ph.D. was a good investment after all!

Downton is prepping for the Edith/Strallan wedding. It will be less of a swanky affair than Mary's wedding, since the Crawleys don't love Edith as much as they love Mary. Down in the servants' hall, Thomas and O'Brien flirt exchange barbs. Thomas approaches Moseley about his friend's daughter, who is looking for a position as a lady's maid. Moseley would like to get her in as a lady's maid so she won't have to debase herself by being a house maid. Thomas wants to be helpful and tells him a "secret" about O'Brien.

Cora and Robert are in the study discussing how they're going to about selling Downton. They have land near Durham and they intend to move there to a smaller house. They decide to go visit this tenement that they're likely going to be moving to. Moseley tells Cora he wants to put forward a candidate as O'Brien's replacement when she leaves the Crawleys' service. As in Thomas is playing him like a fiddle. Cora's taken off-guard and the Crawleys are most aggrieved. It's so hard to find conniving help these days.

Matthew has a case of sadface on so we know he's thinking about all the money he has to inherit. Again. If only there were other young men in Britain one could leave one's millions to. Unsurprisingly, Mary is Downton Crabby with Matthew still about his unwillingness to share his good fortune with the rest of the family.

Modern-day audiences will no doubt empathize with having so much money that you can afford to reject the offer of a free country estate out of principle.

More after the jump!

And the winner is....The Golden Globes.

Finally.

Finally.

An awards show worth watching. Hosts that were funny, winners that were surprising, and for the most part, speeches that didn't have me instantly reaching for the fast forward button.

Can we just get Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to host every award show from now until forever? Not only were they laugh out loud funny, but the jokes were fresh, and hit juuuuust the right note of poking fun at Hollywood and all their ridiculousness and not crossing the line into mean (hello, Ricky Gervais).

Best line of the night: "When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." SICK BURN, YO.

Even the presenters seemed better. I know a lot of people have a low Will Ferrell threshold, but I thought he and Kristen Wiig were really funny and clever. It's kind of interesting to see the people who are real stars and are utterly comfortable up on stage (e.g. George Clooney) and those who have the personality of a stump. Kind of lets you know who is a real star with talent and who is just lucky to have been born pretty.

Alrighty, per usual, we are going to hit it bullet point style. Because as I am writing this it is before 7 in the morning and I cannot be expected to form coherent thoughts that early.

--Jennifer Laurence continues to be one of my favorite people. EVER. She is ranked right up there with Joss Whedon as a person I think would be my best friend if only they knew me. Her speech (with references to beating Meryl Streep and Harvey Weinstein killing people to get her the award) was classic. And clearly off the cuff, but gracious, funny, and clever all at the same time.

--Anne Hathaway = not as annoying as I expected. I was afraid her speech would be full of "I can't believe I won!" style fakery, but she actually seemed genuinely grateful...if not surprised. And let's be honest, she won me over with her Princess Diaries shout-out.

--Lots of love for Game Change (the movie about Sarah Palin penned by Jonathan from Buffy) which meh. I saw the movie and while it was good...I just didn't get how it won so many categories.

--On a related note, is Showtime the new HBO? Because Homeland and that other show with Kristin Bell both did pretty well.

--I understand why Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway decided to thank other people when they had a chance at the microphone...but it still seemed tacky. You get your time, you make your speech, and you don't hijack other parts of the program to thank your agent, ANNE HATHAWAY. Tsk tsk.

--Some people have described Jodi Foster's speech as rambling, overlong, and strange...but you know what? I loved it. Sure it went off script there in the middle, but the emotion behind it was real and I have always thought she was a really fascinating woman. I had a bigger problem with the network cutting the audio when she started talking about how she had come out years ago (really, NBC??), and going on about how she loves Mel Gibson. I try not to be judgemental,* but it's hard to forget his bizarre behavior from a few years ago. Also, she looked amazing which is what really matters.

--Sacha Baron Cohen: I have never understood how people find him funny. He had the one good line about Russell Crowe's singing, but other than that whatevs. I just. don't. get. it.

--Argo! Pretty much the only best drama nominee that I actually saw so I don't really have anything to compare it to other than Lincoln, but I thought it was great. Was it the best movie of the year? Eh, I don't think so. But it's nice to see the underdogs take the prize. And yay for Ben Affleck! If that was anything but a big fuck you to the Academy I will eat my hat.

--I think one of the reasons the Globes seem to move around at such a good clip is because they do not give awards in technical categories. Is it wrong of me to just care about the acting and director/movie categories? Probably, since the technical folks are the ones doing the "real" work and this is pretty much their one chance to shine. But you have to admit that the portion of the Oscars where we get into the more technical stuff is when you take a bathroom break. 

--Can we just talk for a moment about how amazing Tina and Amy looked? Both of them have had issues with nailing red carpet style in the past, but I thought they were just flawless. And I appreciated the Hunger Games jokes about fitting into their dresses--and I got the distinct impression they were not actually joking.

All in all, it was probably the best awards show I've ever seen, and that's saying something. Here's hoping for a Fey/Poehler reunion next January!

Oh, and as for best dressed? I am going to have to go with Lucy Liu.

I know a lot of people see floral and automatically scream "drapes and couch!" but for me this was the dress of the night. The silhouette was stunning, it fit her to a tee, and the pattern and color were different enough that it stuck out in a sea of blush gowns. Sure, there may have been more classically beautiful dresses, but when I think of the the Golden Globes red carpet, this is the ONE gown that sticks out in my mind and I will always remember. So Liu gets the prize from me!

*HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, that was a nice trip down imaginary world lane, wasn't it?

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill. 

Merlin Recap Season 7 Episode 2

We rejoin the story with Morgana having another vision - of herself in chains, imprisoned with her pet white dragon at the bottom of a well. Kinky. Merlin and Arthur are still in the clutches of Mordred and Morgana's minions. Strangely enough, Mordred seems to be showing them mercy. This makes Merlin question if he really is Arthur's Bane, after all.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath Castle Ismere, the creepy alien thingy watches Gwaine sleep. It tells him that he is worthy of its help, and that its kind used to be revered by humans. Now, they have been hunted to near extinction - the creature claims to be the last of the species. 

Back in Camelot, the traitor Sefa begs Queen Guinevere for forgiveness and a reprieve from the gallows. REQUEST DENIED. As Sefa is dragged sobbing from the room Gaius is like, "damn that's some stone-cold shit." And Guinevere is like, "relax, son, I got this." Apparently she's using Sefa as bait to lure out her father, the treacherous sorcerer Ruadan. Amazeballs. 

Bitch has it coming.

Arthur and Merlin escape, naturally, and make a break for it. Arthur has a chance to kill Mordred with a crossbow - and doesn't take the shot. *eye roll* They head towards Ismere, crawling into the castle through the... trash chute? Do castles have trash chutes? Anyway, they manage to evade Morgana's Saxon henchmen and sneak into the caves to rally the knights. They arm Percival, who immediately starts kicking Saxon ass and taking Saxon swords. Shirtless. Awwww yesssss. Arthur and Merlin go deeper into the caverns to find Gwaine. 

Shockingly, Ruadan sneaks back in to Camelot to save his daughter - Queenie's gamble paid off! Elyan wounds Ruadan, but they escape with the help of magic. He uses the last of his strength to send a note off via crow - to Morgana (obviously). Aaaaand I'm sure now Camelot has another enemy in Sefa, who manages to slip away before the knights find her. Morgana knows Arthur didn't return to Camelot and is still making his way towards her.

Gaius and Guinevere loot Ruadan's corpse - and find a druid prayer for "victory over the enemy of the old religion." Druids think of Arthur as another Uther, and believe he will die by a druid's hand. Perhaps Ruadan thought he was that man - whoops.

When Morgana sees Mordred, she looks like she's surprised to see him. He tells her that they had Arthur, but he got away, and she has a completely rationale response. "I WANT HIS HEAD ON A PIKE, TO WATCH THE CROWS FEAST ON HIS EYES!" Mordred is like, "uh, you... you've got a little bit of froth on your lip, milady - just there." And then the warning bells ring, probably because Percival is beheading Saxons left and right and using their skulls for bongo drums. 

CRAZY EYES.

Arthur and Merlin find Gwaine, who says goodbye to his little alien friend. And then - WHITE DRAGON ATTACK! Merlin peels off to deal with the dragon, and Arthur follows. Is Arthur going to find out that Merlin is a dragon lord??? Of course not. But we find out that the poor thing can't speak. 

While he's looking for Merlin, Arthur runs into Morgana and Mordred! Just when Morgana has the dynamic duo at her mercy, Mordred stabs her in the back - literally. WHAAAA? Then he takes Arthur (only) back to his men. Double WHAAAA?

The alien thingy heals Merlin, recognizing him as Emrys, and we find out that it is the key to all knowledge, the Diamair (duh). Merlin asks it one question - who is Arthur's Bane? The alien answers, "himself." Apparently he is the key to all existential angst, too. 

Final scenes: Arthur knights Mordred, continuing to demonstrate that he is a stunningly bad judge of character. Merlin gives him the old, "I'm watching you..." spiel. Later he confides in Gaius, "Albion's great trial has begun."

This will only end in tears.

And in the wastelands to the north, Morgana stumbles out into the snow accompanied by her pet dragon. Seriously, people, have you never heard of the double tap? Next time, MAKE SURE SHE'S DEAD. 

Downton Abbey Part II - The Revenge of Auntie Mame

Hello again! Part II of Lady Gillian Ravescroft-Anderson's Downton Abbey recap, presented for your reading pleasure. 

Picking up from Part I, Branson shows up at Isobel’s after receiving a summons from m'lady to appear before her. Lady Violet is in the drawing room talking trash about Cora's mother. Lady Isobel says she likes it that Mrs. Levinson isn't overawed by the set-up at Downton. Lady Violet references Hyperion not being overawed by the Bourbons and I think that's our cue from Julian Fellowes to look this shit up on Google since we didn't all go to Eton. Branson apologizes for last night. It's all copacetic. Lady Violet and Lady Isobel are going to tailor one of Matthew's old morning coats to fit him. Branson refuses since a morning coat is the uniform of oppression. Yes.. Morning coat = chains. Branson's political views are really interesting, so sayeth the Dowager Lady V, but seriously. You look like shit. Now shut up and strip.

Outside Downton. Snazztastic red car pulls up in the drive and the music lets us know that it's an important guest. Cora's mother Shirley MacLaine has Auntie Mame’d her way across the Atlantic and arrived at Downton.

This is actually just how Shirley MacLaine spents her usual weekends remembering her most recent past life.

Mrs. Levinson (MacLaine) greets the girls. She reminds us that Sybil is pregnant, not chubby and that Edith’s life is a continuing narrative of He's Just Not that Into You. Then she tells Mary she's sure her wedding plans suck. Down in the servants' hall, we meet Mrs. Levinson's maid, Reed. Since Daisy's still on strike, it's up to the ladies' maids to get Mrs. Levinson her goat's milk and boiled water every day.

More after the jump!

Secret Boyfriend of the Week: Deputy Marshal

Two words: Timothy. Olyphant.

Justified returned for its fourth season this past Tuesday. Sure, it's got great acting, great writing, interesting mysteries and plot twists...but let's be honest. The big draw is Timothy Olyphant. Or as I like to call him, Timothy "tall, cool drink of water" Olyphant.

Season 4 promotional shot. RAWR.

It may not be considered progressive, it may not be considered politically correct, but give me a man in a hat, boots, and gun and I'll give you a big "hell yes!" It also doesn't hurt that Timothy has a penchant for playing major badasses. You might recognize him as the stalwart lawman on Deadwood or the bad guy in Die Hard 4, but Raylan Givens on Justified is the character that he was born to play.

Relax: he only shoots assholes. Of course that means like half the population of Kentucky better watch their backs. 

There's not really much else to say here. Justified is one of the best dramas out there right now, and Timothy Olyphant has the "strong, silent type" award pretty much sewn up. If you haven't seen Justified yet (and how many times do I need to sing the praises of this show before you watch it??), I suggest starting with the first season. Good news though: it looks like the fourth season is structured so new viewers can jump right in.

Justified airs Tuesdays on FX at 10pm.

Is It Just My New Plasma TV, or Was Everyone on This Show Always So Pasty?

Hello, Gentle Readers! Following up on Maggie Cats' review of the first episode of Downton Abbey Season 3, new guest blogger Lady Gillian Ravenscroft-Anderson has agreed to provide a full recap! Of course, a regular episode of Downton Abbey is hard enough to recap given the sheer number of scenes (seriously, can Julian Fellowes write more than five lines of dialogue at a time?), so we've broken the two-hour dramafest into two posts for your convenience. Take it away, Lady Gillian...

Downton Abbey is back and with it so many questions. Will Downton continue to survive as a grand estate? Will Matthew and Mary finally get married? Will Lady Edith continue to throw herself at an old one-armed coot find a husband? Which parlor maid will turn out to be a whore this season? Don't touch that dial! I've got a pot of coffee, a pile of blankets, and two hours of Anglophilia on my DVR. It's dark and I'm wearing sunglasses. I've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's get started, shall we?

The cast of Upstairs, Downstairs takes the stage...

It's spring of 1920. There are fewer young men around to marry your pushing-30 daughters off to. We have less money, fewer maids and fewer footmen. The times they are a-changin'.The Crawleys of the Grantham estate have survived WWI more or less unscathed. Sir Julian Fellowes has run out of plot devices to keep Matthew (Dan Stevens) and Mary (Michelle Dockery) apart, so after well-nigh ten years of ostensible courtship, they are on track to get hitched.

Much more after the jump!

Abbey Roads

This post discusses the Season 3 premiere of Downton Abbey. Spoilers below!

As I sit here trying to formulate my thoughts for this blog post, two things have occurred to me. First, why the hell am I sitting here watching The Green Lantern on HBO? I mean this movie is terrible. And second, why is this picture of the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey as a cat so hilarious?

I mean, come on. How amazing is this? Link with more pictures here, courtesy of Etsy. 

But enough procrastinating! The tv event of the winter occurred just a few days ago and things need to be said. And no, I am not talking about the playoff game where the Redskins got their ass handed to them (they started losing as soon as I started watching, natch)...but I am referring to the return of Downton Abbey Sunday night on PBS!

It's been almost a year since those wacky Brits were last on our television and the wait has been pure torture. Would Mary and Matthew actually get married? Would the show-down between Maggie Smith and Shirley Maclaine be epic? Would I give two shits about poor Mr. Bates sitting in jail? The answer to these questions are, in order, yes, eh, and nope.

But don't think I'm disappointed--this first episode was a return to form for the series which I think we can all admit stumbled a bit in its sophomore season. Old characters returned (Sybil and Branson!), new characters are introduced (Alfred the giant footman), the estate is in financial trouble again, Matthew and Mary FINALLY get married, Mrs. Hughes might have cancer (OMG), and of course, Cora's Mom played by Shirley Maclaine joined the cast. There were way too many plot points introduced in the two hour premiere to get into here, but for the most part, everything chugged right along with that kind of soapy, speedy, yet classy way that Downton is famous for. Except for the Bates stuff--I'm sorry I just don't care anymore. Everytime they cut to him in prison I eye-rolled.

Because bullet points are the way I roll, here are some other thoughts:

--I'm sorry, but I don't buy Matthew not taking that money and immediately sinking it into Downton. In the show's timeline it's been 8 years of him coming to the love the place as his own, and I cannot BELIEVE that he would for one minute let it be sold. Maybe in Season 1--no way in Season 3.

--Who ever thought Branson would be the voice of reason? Loved his character stuff, and Sir Anthony calling out the dude who drugged him.

--Mary's wedding dress = underwhelming. It was a beautiful white sack, but still a sack.

--Who thought letting Robert make financial decisions was a good idea? We all know Cora should be running that place. Glad to see he is over his stupid mid-life crisis thing though. When he told Cora, "thank god for you," I was glad he had moved on. But seriously. I wouldn't let him balance my checkbook much less run an estate.

--For a second there I was worried that they had dropped the whole Sybil is pregnant thing. But American Grandma made a reference to it.

--OMG BATES I DON'T CARE. Sorry--but it's the truth. Wouldn't it be awesome if he actually was a murderer?

--Thomas vs. O'Brien and I LOVE IT. I want more and I want them to go all Thunderdome on each other. This is seriously my favorite plot development.

--You go, Edith. Get what you want, girl. I loved her line about how all the young men she grew up with are dead. Don't forget, this is a post WWI world. Edith is going to be this season's truth-teller. Girl does not give a flying shit anymore and it's awesome. She is a Dowager Countess in training for reals.

--Is it just me or does Alfred the new footman look like he could be Eddie Redmayne's younger brother?

--The Maggie vs. Shirley showdown was ho-hum. I thought they should have let Maggie go all vicious on her, but instead Shirley got all the digs. I was also expecting more than just being constantly hit over the head with the "British people are slaves to tradition and Americans have no respect for it" cliche.

--and I almost forgot, MOSLEY! He might actually be my favorite. All he wants to do is help. LET HIM HELP YOU, MATTHEW.

There's still tons more to say, but my fingers are getting tired. So I'll just leave you with this: Downton Abbey's ratings DOUBLED from last year. I know Brits have a tendency to cancel things after a couple years, but come on guys. You should milk this cow for all it's worth.

Merlin Premiere Recap

Three years have past since Arthur defeated his half-sister Morgana and proved he was the rightful King of Camelot. Life in the kingdom has been peaceful, until Gawain and Percival (along with a contingent of knights) disappear on a mission to the North. We find that they have run afoul of Morgana, who has occupied Fortress Ismere and is searching from a mysterious artifact - a key to all knowledge. She puts the knights to work, digging through the caverns beneath the fortress in search of the artifact.

Did I mention they were shirtless? Huzzah for fangirl service! 

Arthur leads the rescue mission, taking Guinevere's suggestion to approach Ismere from the West in order to take Morgana by surprise. On the way they come across some villagers slaughtered by Morgana's troops - including a dying druid seer, who tells Merlin of Arthur's fate to be killed by a familiar-looking young man in the midst of a great battle. Merlin is terrified by this prophecy, and consults with the great dragon Kilgharrah to see how he can advert it - but Kilgharrah is not able to tell Merlin what he must do.

K: "Need me to destroy your enemies by breathing on them?" 

M: "Nah, I'll stick with the whole 'running for my life' thing I got going." 

However! It seems that Guinevere's maid is a traitor - she spills the plan to her father, Ruadan, a sorcerer who is in league with Morgana. Arthur's troops are ambushed and Ruadan knocks Arthur out cold. Merlin, fearing for Arthur's life ever since he heart the prophecy, drags Arthur away and the rest of the knights are captured. Meanwhile, in the caverns beneath Fortress Ismere, Gawain follows a mysterious light and meets with a strange magical creature - could it have something to do with the artifact Morgana seeks? Back in Camelot, Guinevere discovers her maid's betrayal and sentences her to death.

DAMN. Queenie don't play. 

Merlin tries to get Arthur to head back to Camelot, but he won't abandon his men. Neither will Merlin abandon Arthur - and so, in the end, they are both captured by Morgana's troops. And who should be with them but Arthur's bane, who identifies himself as Mordred. Dun dun DUNNN!

Some huddling for warmth may have happened. But what happens in the forest STAYS in the forest. 

Recapping AHS – The Electric Shock Therapy Kool-Aid Acid Test

Picking up right where we left off a few weeks ago, Arden is reviving Kit from his chemically induced “death”. Kit wants to know if it was worth it, but Arden says nothing happened. Of course, actually Arden has secreted Grace and Pepper away in his lab. Arden observes that Grace has completely healed from her gunshot and that Pepper is no longer microcephalic. Arden debates using X-rays or even an emergency C-section to find out what exactly is growing inside Grace, but when he brings the scalpel out he is thrown across the room. Pepper tells him that the aliens are protecting Grace, and they’re laughing at Arden and if Arden steps out of line, they'll turn those lobotomy practices back on him.

Pepper FTW!

Act I! Sister Eunice is tending a wounded Monsignor, who survived his encounter on the crucifix but not before the Angel told him that it wasn’t his time yet because the Devil has taken Eunice and it’s Monsignor’s job to cast him out. Eunice leaves Arden to his thoughts and goes to the common room to oversee the installation of a new jukebox. Jude says that Eunice only brought it in to taunt her, but Eunice corrects her, saying no, here’s the taunting part and then cues up Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell on You” and dedicates it to Jude. Lana and Kit are taken aback when Thredson suddenly Don Drapers his way into the common room. Sister Eunice apparently offered him a full-time position after freeing him from that closet and so now the healing can begin again! Later that night, Eunice orders a search of the women’s ward and “discovers” a cucumber in Jude’s room. Eunice refers to this as “awkward given our past relationship” but she can’t have Jude picking up any tricks from Shelly so something has to be done – to the electroshock therapy room! Eunice and Arden strap Jude down and hook her up to the machine. Arden tells Eunice to throw the switch, but go no higher than 50%. Eunice opts for 80%, crediting Jude for being a tough cookie. The lights flicker and Jude screams.

Act II! Eunice is back with Monsignor, unwrapping the bandages on his feet and hands and calling him a saint for trying to help Leigh Emerson, who has gone missing. Monsignor tries to shove his rosary onto Eunice to expel the demon, but it really doesn’t take. Eunice laughs it off, recites a dirty limerick about priestly anatomy and jumps on Monsignor, stripping off her habit and literally getting into his pants. He begs her not to, but it’s not like this show isn’t going to take an opportunity for another rape scene, so you can guess what happens. As Monsignor struggles, Eunice notices Arden is watching. Just to be clear, this is a scene about a nun possessed by the devil raping a priest while a Nazi watches. Oh to be a fly on the wall in the writers’ room when this one came up. In the common room, Jude is not in a good way. The electroshock wasn’t kind to her and she’s unable to speak or move clearly. Lana approaches her, trying to help and asking if she knows who Lana is or even knows her own name. Jude pauses at the question, noticing that “The Name Game” is a song that is available on the jukebox. And then, I swear to God, this happens: 

dafuq???

Yup, that is a high-contrast dance number where Jude hallucinates singing in a glam dress while the inmates and the nuns launch into a choreographed routine. If you ever had any doubt that this is from the same people who brought you Glee… Anyway, in the woods, Arden is carting out the usual viscera to feed the zombie inmates when Eunice coquettishly interrupts him while sucking on a lollipop and asking about the feasibility of performing a lobotomy on Jude. Arden is acting glum and Eunice laughs, telling Arden that Monsignor “didn’t mean anything to me.” The zombies approach for their feeding and Arden WTF shoots each of them in the head, announcing that “the experiment is over.” Ah, zombie inmates. We hardly knew ye. Arden brings the gun to his own temple, but can’t do it, collapsing on the ground and sobbing to Eunice, “you have no idea what it means to have lost you.” Eunice almost looks like she’s going to have an actual human emotion before uttering that Arden is pitiful and walking away.

Act III! Jude is in the kitchen, trying to knead a lump of bread when Monsignor approaches asking for her counsel, saying she always had a clarity about her, although obviously that’s not so much right now. Monsignor confesses that she was right, Eunice is TOTES possessed and that Eunice has taken his virtue and what she he do? “Kill her,” Jude manages. Thredson, meanwhile, is going through Arden’s lab when he hears Grace screaming. He finds her giving birth with Pepper attending and announcing the baby is crowning. Upstairs, Monsignor prays for strength when Eunice finds him and asks if he’s ready for round two. Eunice taunts Monsignor again, going between sexually objectifying him and asking how he’s planning on killing her, perhaps using the statue of St. Francis? Although that would be “ironic.” Monsignor follows Eunice out onto a balcony, trying one last time to expel the demon but he is pushed against the railing by Eunice for his trouble. The demon screams from insider her that it will devour her and then, for a moment, the real Sister Eunice surfaces, sobbing and saying that she’s tired and wants to let go. Monsignor uses the opportunity to push Eunice off the balcony and she plummets to the ground like a true fallen angel. Broken and laying in her own blood several floors down, Eunice sees the Angel. “Take me,” Eunice asks. “I’ll take you both,” the Angel replies and kisses her.

Have I made a flying nun joke yet this season?

Act IV! Monsignor is delivering Last Rights when Arden asks to have her body cremated. Despite the Catholic prohibition against it, Monsignor reluctantly agrees. Thredson has had Kit brought to him. Kit saying nothing will make him tell Thredson where the tape is. Thredson calls his bluff by showing him Grace, holding what she claims is their son. Cut to Thredson ransacking the hydrotherapy room looking for the tape, but Lana has beaten him to the punch and confesses that she has already re-hidden it and if Thredson does anything to Kit, she’ll find a way to get the tape to the police. In the common room, Jude is attempting to remember the names of the inmates when Mother Superior arrives. Jude wants to tell Mother Superior goodbye, Jude is going to Rome with Monsignor to get married in the Vatican and then be Pope together and btw, Eunice totally sexed up Monsignor because the devil was jealous. In between the crazy rambling, Jude manages to ask Mother Superior to help get Lana out of Briarcliff. In the crematorium, Arden loads Eunice’s body onto a gurney and prepares to send it into the oven. As her body slowly starts to enter the fires, Arden climbs on top of her, going into the oven with her. The door to the oven closes and Arden screams in pain. An ironic death for a Nazi, to be sure.

Next week! Jude regains some clarity. 

New Year, same old crap.

Happy New Year, gentle readers! I hope you had a fun and safe New Years Eve and are ready for 2013. Because ready or not it's here, so strap on your seat belts and let's get ready for a new year of entertainment!

....except there isn't much happening right now. We're still in winter hiatus which means TV right over the holidays was pretty lame. The lone bright stop on the horizon is the return of Downton Abbey on PBS on Sunday (check local listings), but other than that I've been relying on my Netflix instant queue.

Sidenote: did you know that The West Wing is now available for instant watch? According to Facebook, a lot of my friends are just now discovering the show or the first time. My response to this is "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PEOPLE?"

But until our beloved shows return with new content, I'm spending my time catching up on Gossip Girl and only a few episodes until I reach the end of the series (which only aired a few months ago). This show has a remarkable ability to make me feel simultaneously terrible about my life--why don't I have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements??--and also awesome about my life--thank GOD I don't have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements.

I hope you all are ready to get back in the swing of things and Happy New Year! Good luck remembering to write 2013 on all your checks.