Sunday, January 13, 2013

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill. 

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