Recapping AHS: To Hell and Back

So after 10 long episodes (and some of them felt longer than others) we finally get to learn about The Seven Wonders via an old-timey silent movie style classroom infomercial. AHS is nothing if not stylized. For those keeping count at home, the Seven Wonders are defined as seven act of significantly advanced magic. They include telekinesis, consilium (mind control), transmutation, divination, vitum vitalis (bringing the dead back to life through breath) descensum (“a perilous descent into the nether worlds of afterlife), and pyrokinesis. Attempting them can kill you, but successfully performing all of them will make you the next Supreme.

Cordelia and her freaky fucking eye sockets comes to Madison to see what Madison knows about Misty’s disappearing act. Madison is cagey as hell, refusing to let Cordelia touch her and possibly see what she’s done, but eventually relents only to find that Cordelia apparently still hasn’t regained her sight. Kinda makes that eye thing a problem.

GAH! Sunglasses, woman!

Meanwhile, Queenie finds a bloody mess in the conservatory and hears Marie’s murderous thoughts, but can’t find a body. Queenie decides to practice some early Seven Wonders training and invokes Papa Legba, but finds herself back in the fried chicken joint she left back in Detroit. There’s a line literally around the block and no one else working. Confused, she begins to help the eerily quiet customers before seeing Papa Legba in the corner who tells her that she’s been brought to her own private hell – no power, no respect, stuck in a place where no one thinks she can do anything. Papa is impressed that she made it to Hell, however, praising her ability. He tells her that if she can’t get out of Hell by morning, she’ll be stuck there forever. Pulling herself out, Queenie finds Papa in her room who tells her what’s happened to Marie – Delphine dismembered her and spread her body parts all around. Queenie still needs Papas help. Thinking quickly, Queenie points out that Marie is now going to be in breach of her contract, which removes her from the equation of what’s about to come. That means that Delphine needs to be removed too…

Weirdest employee review ever.

At Delphine’s old house-turned-tourist attraction, the original docent has been replaced by someone much more…Delphine-looking. Delphine has taken up the revisionist history banner, telling her version of her “the elegant and universally admired Delphine LaLaurie” to the tourists while posing as a tour guide in the house. When pressed about the murders and the attic torture chamber, she coldly tells the tourists that attic is off the tour and anyway it was all lies and the attic was only for “firm, but humane” correctional behavior. She praises herself as “a visionary ahead of her time” thus securing her a future contract with Fox News.

When the tourists leave, Queenie confronts Delphine who admits to murdering the old docent after she critized her tactics and, worse, her entertaining. “Nobody’s going to waste their time on some uppity Negro when there’s a fabulous party,” she mutters when the docent tells the group that oftentimes the murders happened while revelries were going on downstairs. Priorities. Queenie tries to give Delphine one last attempt at redeption, hilariously by suggesting that she volunteer with the Urban League. Delphine, however, has been watching the news about Paula Dean and Anthony Weiner(seriously) and thinks this redemption shit is bunk. Seeing that it’s not going to work, Queenie plunges a dagger into Delphine’s chest.

Part of me really hopes Kathy Bates just did this in real life to screw with people. 

In the school, Fiona is finally getting her portrait done under Myrtle’s artistic eye and realizing her mortality is closing in. She attempts a final honest connection with Cordelia, telling her that her power is still inside of her and she can’t lose it or regain it. She also gives her an old necklace that was her mother’s. When Cordelia puts on the necklace she suddenly sees the house, the girls all laying slaughtered and mutilated on the floors and impaled on the walls. In her vision, Cordelia sees a hale and healthy Fiona pull the necklace off Cordelia’s own dead body and leave the house.

Cordelia hightails it to the Axeman’s apartment. Cordelia tells the Axeman that she also saw Fiona with a plane ticket in her purse, fleeing the country with her new health and leaving him behind. The flight leaves in two days and, given that he doesn’t exactly have a passport, clearly she’s not planning on him joining her.

Knocking things off the To-Do list, Cordelia then divines from Misty’s shalls that she is entombed in the cemetery. Cordelia brings Queenie to the crypt and has her pull the coffin from the grave. Misty’s body is still inside, but she isn’t breathing. At Cordelia’s urging, Queenie breathes life back into Misty, bringing her back from the dead.

At the school, Zoe and Kyle have returned: apparently Florida didn’t agree with them when Kyle angrily killed a homeless man and Zoe had to bring him back to life. Par for the course for that relationship, really, but Zoe is now convinced that she may be the next Supreme. Just then, Misty returns and begins to literally bitch-slap Madison across the house. What follows is a seriously awesome girl fight through the house that was one of the only real exciting moments this entire season. The awesome gets even better when the Axeman interrupts the fight to kill the girls and the girls collectively throw him across the room LIKE A BOSS. He’s covered n blood, which Cordelia divines is Fiona’s.

In a flashback we see Fiona coming to the Axeman after Cordelia left him. Axeman tells Fiona that he wants to take her out of town to go catfishing – he has a vision of them living together forever in a cabin by the river. Fiona laughs it off and tries to change the subject, but the jig she is up. Axeman finds the plane ticket in her purse, just like Cordelia said, and confronts her angrily. Fiona points out that with the next Supreme dead she has 30 more years of vitality – it’s not like she’s going to waste it in a rustic cabin by a river with him. And that’s when the Axeman lived up to his name, buring his axe into Fiona’s back over and over again before throwing her body into the swamp

Cordelia sees the entire scene. She tells the girls that Fiona really is gone, her body was thrown into the swamps and fed to the alligators. “Even I can’t bring back someone once they’re gator shit,” Misty demurs. The girls(and Kyle) are pleased that he’s gotten rid of Fiona for them, but they’re not about to let the Axeman go free either.  They descend on him, cutting him literally to pieces together in what almost passes for sisterhood.

Girlpower!

Somewhere else, Delphine is thrown being thrown into the cages in her own house, although she is dressed in 1830s clothes. Delphine screams as a fully unharmed Marie Laveau stands waiting with a white hot poker while standing over Delphine’s daughter, also imprisoned in a cage. When the daughter complains of being thirsty, Marie cuts Delphine’s throat and gives her the blood to drink. Marie is confused, though – she doesn’t want to torture Marie’s daughter and doesn’t know why she’s doing it or even how she got there. “You will do as you are commanded,” Papa Legba suddenly appears. Turns out, Hell is a funny place and Marie and Delphine are both condemned to spend theirs together. “Eventually,” Papa says. “Everybody pays. Everybody suffers.”

In the school, Fiona’s portrait is hung with care as Myrtle and Cordelia tell the girls that Fiona shirked her responsibility to name a successor. Which means each of the girls will be tested – they’re all going to have to compete in the Seven Wonders. 

And may the best witch win.

If There's One Thing I Know Really Well, It's Elves

So, this is my first blog post using my windows 8.1 platform, and the new software still allows for my snark app, so take THAT Microsoft. Make all of my applications fucking charms, will you? 

I promised all of you all that I would keep you abreast of the most exciting happenings on the Face/Offs. Guys, guys, guys. The Face/Offz actually became really super dramatic on Tuesday night, without the show editors or Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore throwing an added twist into the week's challenge. 

Your challenge this week: A Dick Cheney/Elmer Fudd Hybrid. And make it sing!

Last week, the judges FINALLY eliminated Eddie, who had been failboating in his merry little fail canoe for the entire season. So, that left Sweet Little Laney as the only surviving newbie. Unsurprisingly, as I predicted in my previous Face/Off post, the veterans vs. newbies concept resulted in a great deal of carnage for the newbies, because the veterans are just THAT good. A few of the veterans have been eliminated also, ofs, but after this last episode, only vets remain. The veterans who remain after Tuesday night's non-elimination (more on that later) are Miranda, Roy, Laura and Tate (TATE!!). 

That dude behind me? That's Dorian fuckin' Gray, man. I know, man. I know. Craziness. 

So, I was actually pulling for Laney because she appeared to be the only newbie this season who showed any kind of promise. The new contestants this season were just, I don't know, kinda bad, I guess. I don't know if this is because they were eliminated before they really had a chance to get grounded or if it's because they didn't have that much ability. 'Tis a mystery.  So, it came as kind of a surprise to me when Laney had a complete meltdown and left the show. I really thought she was more together than that, but I guess the pressure became too intense for her. I guess it will be revealed in the super finale spectacularganza why she felt the need to walk off like that. I mean, she was doing pretty well, and she made it into the top five. I don't understand why she would quit after she'd gotten that far. Maybe Glenn is secretly a wizard and was dropping Hinkyjinx Potion into her morning porridge, with nary a Hermione about to offer a speedy countercurse. As I discovered with one of my friends last evening, I can legit write fan fiction about anything, and so I will stop myself now before I continue further in this vein and lose sight of my original purpose.

So, your character is like if you were on Mad Men and you walked into Versailles and it was full of saran wrap.

I have to say, the thing that's gotten me geeked thus far this season are McKenzie Westmore's outfits. Girl, your wardrobe is SICK. 

But back to the challenge!!! I was pleased with the theme of this week's challenge: a Norse Rune Dark Elf. This is one I feel they've had up their sleeve for a while. I guess it's hard for the production team to come up with a different theme for each week, because we can't do robot zombies for every challenge but OMG WE NEED MOAR ROBOT ZOMBIES.

Your challenge: create a robot zombie made of Legos that is in the shape of one of Glenn's tattoos.

Bitch looks fierce, right?

FUCKIN' RIGHT. 

So, here's what went down. 

Laney was bummed about being in the bottom last week, so she was at the point where she was feeling like it just wasn't fun anymore, but she dragged herself along to the first day of the spotlight challenge, where we discover that it's going to be dark elves that are based on Norse mythology. Laura's excited because she's a HUGE GEEK, and Tate is instantly excited that they're mixing ancient runes into their Elven warrior creatures. This is why I ship Laura and Tate HARD, even though Laura's married. But there I go again with the fan fiction. 

In the sculpting phase, Roy makes his first mistake. His rune references psychic ability, so he decides to make his elf have a huge head.

Miranda felt it was "mandatory for an elf to have pointy ears." Direct quote. She second-guessed herself throughout the entire challenge, and ended up having a near-meltdown toward the end. Miranda's elf did not at all turn out like she had planned in her original sketch.

 And this is why we can't have nice things. 

Laney is half-assing it so much that she hasn't even bothered to put on her anime girl make-up, and she soon gives up on her sculpt and heads into the bathroom, crying and saying she's homesick. Tate goes in and tries to cheer her up, but ends up getting booted. Roy finally convinces her to come out of the bathroom and work on her sculpt. It seems like things are getting back to normal, and although she is behind, Laney starts work on her sculpt again.

However, the next morning, the gang comes down for breakfast and Laura finds a note on the table. At first, Laura thinks it's a note from Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie throwing another twist into the challenge (YOUR CREATIONS ALL HAVE TO DANCE ALL OF SWAN LAKE WHILE UNDERWATER). Actually, nope. It's a handwritten note from Laney, stating that she's left the competition. Apparently, the crew actually filmed her leaving, but left the note that Laney had left on the table and they didn't bother to tell anyone she was gone until the next morning. Oh, reality television.

Laney's departure leaves everyone bummed, but it makes Miranda stress out even more. Miranda's sure that she's going to be in the bottom because her elf is a hot mess.

The Aztecs called and they want...actually, hold on. Hold on. Okay, they said they do not want this back.

Since Laney left, the contestants assume that there will be another elimination that week. Roy and Miranda end up in the bottom looks. In Roy's defense, his elf doesn't look that bad. The point of the challenge was a dark elf, and I guess I could see there being a dark elf that looks like Roy's elf.

Okay, maybe it kind of looks like a medieval Romulan, but all in all, not a terrible make-up. You know, maybe they do Hamlet on the Romulan home world. You don't know.

The thing though, with Roy and Miranda's looks, is that maybe they would have flown earlier in the season, but Laura and Tate are pulling ahead as the clear contenders for the title. Laura's elf is fucking gorgeous, and Tate's creation is another completely unbelievable look. You all know I'm on Team Laura, but I was behind the judges' decision to give the win to Tate this week. ALTHOUGH LAURA WAS ROBBED. But I'm okay with Tate winning. But she was robbed. 

 Laura

Tate

With Laney's departure, the judges decide to give Roy and Miranda another chance, and neither are eliminated this week. I kind of thought that was BS because you all know how mean I am. I really thought they should have eliminated Miranda this week, and that would have meant the final would be next Tuesday, close to Halloween. And I think we can all agree that that would have been VERY SPOOKY. 

It's obvious to me at this point that the finale should be Tate, Laura and Roy. Miranda's definitely got talent, but she cannot take the pressure. She has flipped out during the last two challenges, and this week, her piece was nowhere near up to her usual standards. I was actually expecting Miranda to decide she couldn't take the pressure anymore and leave. I am pulling for Laura or Tate to win, but Miranda is no slouch, and I think we've all begrudgingly come to expect more from her. Roy is a fan favorite and I like him. I think he's awesome at fabrication and he has huge, creative ideas.  However, I don't think he can match Laura or Tate in the execution department. 

We shall see. 

Face/Off. Tuesdays. 9 p.m. Syfy. 

I See Dead People

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single family in possession of their dream home must be pestered by a ghost. Or a demon. Or a vampire. Or a brooding vampire. Or two brooding vampires taped together to make one super-emo vampire. Or some other such creature from the Buffyverse.

Seriously. Someone should have given these two a spin-off. Oh, wait.

I am a slut for paranormal TV shows, and there has been a significant dearth in decent ones since shows of the ilk of Ghost Adventures (which, to my experience, features neither ghosts nor adventures) started taking to the airwaves. Not that that format doesn't have its merits, but I'm always perplexed why individuals who are that frightened of anything that might be a ghost would choose to enter a career as a ghost hunter.

"We suddenly came upon some weird guy wandering around and looking for signs of paranormal activity."

If your desire for chills and thrills extends further than watching idiots running around the dark screaming expletives every time they hear a board creak, then I must direct your attention to Syfy's Paranormal Witness. I happened upon this show On Demand during a weekend of being so far in the depths of laziness that I physically could not get off the couch. Then I found season 1 on Netflix, and I was a happy panda.

The show follows a basic format of witness interviews, interspersed with actor portrayals of the narrated events. I don't know how easily you all scare, but some of the reenactments and stories are legitimately scary. I have been known to scream out loud and then giggle nervously afterward. Or maybe I'm just a wimp.

 Stop me if you've heard this one: One day, I was playing with a Ouija board and oops. Out popped this demon

Unlike on a lot of shows of this nature, the production values are pretty high. The special effects and make-up are quite well done. The cinematography is great at creating that just right creepy mood. The show has a good balance of being suspenseful and creepy without becoming over-the-top and corny.

Poor dear. She's still not over the War of Northern Aggression.

In case you have already bought your dream home -- or possibly that cute little fixer-upper in the Hudson Valley -- and are already being plagued by a proverbial clown car of demons and ghosts, I have compiled a list of helpful household hints.

General tips:

1. Don't bring a gun to a ghost fight.

2.  If you see a demon in your home, call a Catholic priest. Stat.

3. Do not buy your dream home. Like. Ever.

4. For that matter, do not buy a house. Period.

5. Or a classic car.

6.  If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you do and there is nothing there, TRUST ME, 

THERE IS SOMETHING THERE.

7. When in doubt, move out.

8.  It's just going to get worse.

9.  If your child has an imaginary friend...

10. Believe.

Paranormal Witness is available on Syfy On Demand. Season 1 is available through Netflix. New episodes air Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

"I'm telling you. If I have to explain this concept to the Hufflepuffs one more time, I am calling my union rep."

Nothing Happens For Real Until It Happens on Facebook

The morning after – Norman leaves a sleeping Bradley like he’s some kind of pimp boss and James Deans his way back down the highway to the motel. Dylan is all “Congrats on the sex! Mom’s totally in jail” when Norman comes in. They find her in the clink and offer to use the motel as collateral for her bail. Mother snarks them a bit, saying she doesn’t need any help and yells at them to get out. Puppy Dog Norman doesn’t understand why Mother is being mean and not looking at him. It’s because of the sex you didn’t have with her, genius.

If this were American Horror Story, we'd be knee deep in a haunted women's prison plot line by now. 

Emma finds Norman frantically going through boxes in the motel for the deed. She invites Norman to stay with them. Smooth, Emma. She takes him to a bail bondsman and while they wait, Norman tells Emma about finding the Chinese girl in the basement. Emma wants to go to the police, apparently sailing right past the part where a member of the police is a part of the problem. Norman says he wants to do something, but not until Mother is taken care of first. Which is going to be a lifelong theme for poor Norman.

The bail bond comes through and Norman goes to fetch Norma with a bouquet of flowers. Mother, however, breezes past him. “I have nothing to say to you,” she brushes him off, preferring to walk home than drive with him. Later, they meet with their naturally attractive female lawyer, who Mother is also not pleased with, likely imagining her as yet another succubus who’s going to swoop down on Norman at any minute. The lawyer lays out a case that would defend Mother, but Mother insists no story is needed since she didn’t kill Keith and jeez, why is everyone so enamored of physical “evidence” anyway?

On the ride home, Norman tries to talk sense into her, but Mother insists that Norman doesn’t care about her. “You went out and you got laid while I was crying alone in my room worried sick about all this,” she tells him. She blames Dylan for his advise that Norman go and make with the sexy time and she wants to know why Norman did this to her? Norman tells her that she scares him sometimes. Mother, clearly missing the message, yells at him to get out of her car and walk the ten miles back home. When he doesn’t, she physically drags him out and speed off without him. Thus giving us one of the first real scenes in this series where we start to see Mother’s psychological abuse and hold over Norman. It actually makes a lot of sense if you consider the movie.  Norman is eventually rescued when Dylan comes upon him on his motorcycle and drives him home.  As they speed down the road, Norman actually looks happy for the first time with a member of his family. It’s actually really touching.

If it's possible to have a bro-mance between brothers, this is getting close. 

Back home, Dylan accurately points out how Mother lives for drama and behaves the way she does to get Norman’s attention. He tells Norman that the only thing you can do sometimes with those people is walk away. He tells Norman the he’s getting his own place and he wants Norman to move in with him.

The next day, Dylan gets an infusion of cash from his coworker Ethan for the place he wants. Ethan says the bosses don’t give this out, but he’s loaning it to Dylan from his share because he knows Dylan is good for it. Just then, another man comes up to the two of them, pulls a gun and shoots Ethan in the throat. Have to say this, things never go over small in this town. Dylan rushes him to the hospital.

That night, Mother meets with Shelby in his cruiser down by the lake. Shelby apologizes for having brought Mother down to the jail and tells her that it’s not safe for them to be seen together for a while. Mother begins to storm off but Shelby stops her by telling her that he loves her and that he went through hell knowing that she was in trouble and he couldn’t even show his concern. This is apparently what Mother needed to hear because she softens and begs him not to do anything stupid. Back at the station, Shelby clandestinely breaks into the evidence room and steals the carpet fibers found on Keith’s body.

Dylan cruises the mean streets of Whereverthehellthisis, looking for Ethan’s shooter. He finds him down by the docks, natch, and chases him in Ethan’s truck, running him down. Like, with the truck. Damn.

Mother is putting the finishing touches on the motel’s website (which, fun fact, is a real website) when she gets the news from her lawyer that the carpet samples are lost and the police have no case. Meanwhile, Norman tries to call Bradley after texting her two, three hundred times, but gets no answer. I will kind of love this show if it turns out that Bradley totally just used Norman for some distraction sex. That would not only be a cool reversal of the stereotype, but it would explain adult Norman’s eventual distrust and disgust with sexualized women.

Regardless, Mother is all giddy, hugging Norman and telling him that everything’s taken care of and they’re going to be fine, thanks to Shelby. “What’s he going to make you do for this favor?” Norman asks. Looks like it’s his turn to be bitchy. He leaves the house and finds Emma arriving, who has a theory on where the Chinese girl has been hidden. “Just take me away from here,” Norman says.

Emma takes him down to the water and tells him her theory – after googling “Keith Summers murder evidence” to see if he had any other properties in his name, she’s guessing that Shelby may have hidden the girl on Keith Summers’ boat and hey Norman, are you listening to me? Norman tells her the harsh truth – he’s with Bradley now because they made passionate, tender love even though she hasn’t called him back. Emma uses unassailable teenage logic to defy Norman’s insistence that he’s off the market – “Did she change her relationship status?” She asks. “Then it’s just a hook-up.” Truer words, my friends…

La la la, denial denial denial... I'm not listening to you talk about the other girl you slept with, not on FB, after all...

The two teenage sleuths head to Keith’s fishing boat. They break in, finding the girl basically feral and hiding in a closet. They drive her back to the motel, which has got the be the LAST place this girl wants to be given that she was likely held hostage there for a while. Thankfully, she’s passed out for some reason, so she goes more or less quietly.

Mother is finishing up work in the office meanwhile and sees Emma’s car, prompting her to investigate what this girl hussy would be doing to her son. She finds Emma and Norman caring for the frightened Chinese girl in one of the rooms. Norman tells Mother that this is girl from Shelby’s basement. The Chinese girl is all “lady, you’re crazy for not trusting your son here because I was totally that cop’s sex slave.” (Not her exact words, given that the character speaks very little English, but that was certainly the subtext.) Mother still refuses to believe her, getting a picture of Shelby and asking the girl again. “He is the one,” she says, pointing to Shelby.  

A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother

Hey everyone! Feeling blue with the still-lingering winter outside? Hoping for chills of a different kind? How about we recap the new A&E prequel, Bates Motel? This one does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin, folks – it’s a retelling of the early years of Norman Bates, cinemas most famous psycho, and his dear Mother. Let’s jump in, shall we?

Shower first, anyone?

We begin our series with a teenage Norman in the modern day discovering his father dead in the garage. Panicked, he runs for his mother, Norma, finding her putting on a bathrobe and coming out of the shower. Heh. The Shower. I see what you did there, show! Norman brings Mother to his father’s body. Norma doesn’t seem that put out by all this, but comforts Norman, holding him to her. Six months later, the two have relocated to the Oregon coast having just purchased the Seafarer Inn, a curiously familiar motel with a rambling, gothic house on the hill behind it. Mother is terribly pleased with this decision, telling Norman they’ll run the motel together. Inside the house, the place is a dump, but Mother has visions of elegant surroundings. She grabs Norman by the hand, giggling and dragging him upstairs to show him his bedroom, which will be right next to hers. And yes, between the casual flirting and Norman seeing mother in her lacy underwear, the creepy matrophilia IS SO HAPPENING ALL OVER THIS SHOW!

Norman begins school by immediately getting picked up by five of the local high school’s hottest teenage super models. They give him their phone numbers take him to school in their new BMW. At home, Mother is chopping ribs with a meat cleaver (heh) when she gets a call from Norman’s older brother, who is clearly not on good terms with the family and wants money. In school, Norman meets with his guidance counselor who remarks on his father’s death says she’s here for him before commenting on his physique and suggesting he go out for track. Because Norman possesses heretofore unknown powers to make women fawn over him.

Norman got game.

When Norman arrives home from school, Mother has prepared a romantic dinner for two. Seriously. There are flowers on the table and everything. She upset that he’s late and what is this track that he’s going out for? She wants him home to help run the motel, but it’s okay, he can go out for sports. She’ll just do it herself. Alone. In the dark. What kind of mother is she? Jewish? The next morning, the two are confronted by Keith Summers, a local who knows way too much about them and belligerently tells them they should leave the house which is rightfully his on account of his grandparents building the place. Mother tells him that’s the way the foreclosure cookie crumbles and when he tries to tell her she has no idea about “the secrets in this town” she shoos him away.

That night, the Bates listen to the Rolling Stones together when the super models show up at the door wanting to know if Norman can come out to play. Mother is not pleased by all this nubile flesh suddenly darkening her doorway and says Norman needs to stay in and help her. Norman doesn’t take this well and storms off to his room before texting the super models and telling them to wait up for him while he sneaks out his window. The models take Norman to what teenagers probably think is a rave. Kids roll joints, drink, smoke, be malcontent. Norman hides in another room while emo music plays and spies on the pretty girls. Early precedent for yourself, Norman. Yet another model (seriously, what is in the water in this town?) comes onto him, saying he’s different and “a beautiful still lake in the middle of a concrete world.” Full confession: I have no idea what that means. They are interrupted by Richard, another student who has no purpose here other than to introduce what will surely be an eventual plot point.

Back home, Mother is doing the dishes and regretting yelling at Norman when a noise from outside the house scares her. She goes to investigate and who should push through the door but Keith Summers, the belligerent wacko from earlier. Mother screams for Norman to help her, but Summers is too quick. He has a pair of handcuffs and a knife and after kicking and punching Mother for a while, cuffs her to the kitchen table before using the knife to cut her skirt up the middle. Thereafter follows what is honestly one of the more uncomfortable rape scenes I’ve seen on TV in a long time (and I watched American Horror Story) but she’s “saved” by Norman who suddenly arrives home and knocks Summers away. They use the cuffs to restrain Summers and Mother sends Norman to fetch a first aid kit. Summers leers at her, telling her she liked it. Mother responds by plunging Summers’ own knife into him many, many times. Norman returns to see the dead body on the floor, looking suspiciously like how his father did.

Amazingly, one day Norman will look back on this as "the good old days."

Norman wants to call the cops, but Mother says it will ruin their new businesses to have a rape/murder on their first week. Always business-minded, that Mother. They decide to use the motel linens to soak up the blood and then hide Summers’ body in one of the motel bathtubs. Wonder if it’s the bathtub that Janet Leigh will eventually use? In the process they spill blood onto one of the carpets, meaning they now have to pull up carpet in several rooms to hide the their tracks under the guise of renovations to the motel. Underneath the carpet in one of the rooms, Norman discovers a book of sketches and notes. And that’s when the motel’s first guests arrive. It’s the cops, natch.

Turns out the Sheriff and his deputy are investigating only because they didn’t know anyone had bought the place. Mother says they’ve just been working and gosh, is it 2am already? How careless of me. My son will totes be going to bed now so he can attend school tomorrow. The sheriff wants to take a look around and goes into the room with the dead body in the tub. He says he needs to use the bathroom and isn’t put off by Mother’s excuse that the toilet is broke. “You just have to jiggle the handle,” he tells her and goes into the room, not realizing what’s sitting right behind the drawn shower curtain. Tension! But it’s only the first episode, so the cops leave without discovering anything.

The next day at school, guilt is getting the better of Norman, causing him to throw up in the hallway. A helpful girl, Emma, offers him a mint, saying that she’s familiar with being sick due to all the medications she has to take for her cystic fibrosis. She’s kind and is clearly another plot point in development. Back home that night, Mother and Norman row Summers’ body out into a nearby lake. Mother tells Norman that she’s an idiot because she noticed in town today that there’s a proposal to build a new highway bypass on the opposite side of town, effectively killing her business model. She laments that all she wants is to give Norman a better life and she’s the worst mother ever, but Norman won’t hear of it. He says she’s everything to him and he never wants to be without her and then quotes Jane Eyre to her. Touched, Mother suggests they get rid of the body now. They tie it to heavy chains and toss it overboard to sleep with the fishes. Never mind Jewish, is Mother a mafia donna?

Later, Norman flips through the book he found in his room, which features drawings of women tied up and gagged in sexual positions. Mother interrupts him to show him how they’ve taken down the old Seafarer Inn sign and replaced it with the iconic Bates Motel one. She insists everything’s going to be okay – she’ll think of something to stop the bypass plan from happening. Elsewhere, in a dingy basement, lights flicker on to reveal a woman lying on the floor. There are needle marks on her arm. Someone approaches her and begins to inject her with something as her eyes slowly open.

That’s the first episode, kids. It’s definitely a mixed bag, but we’ll see how the season progresses. Initially, I like that they’re not staying away from the uncomfortable creepiness of Norman and Mother’s relationship, but some of the plotting and the dialogue has definitely got to be fixed. That said, plenty of movies have seen subsequent TV series made out of them that outpaced their original source content. (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, to name a few.) There’s certainly a lot of material to work with here. Time will tell how well they do. 

Sweet, crippling emotional enmeshment.

But What Does It All Mean? AHS Season Two Wrap Up

American Horror Story: Asylum was certainly more ambitious than the show’s first season, now retroactively re-titled American Horror Story: Murder House. The scope of the story was bigger, the production values higher and the characters murkier. And while I personally felt like it wasn’t nearly as scary as the inaugural outing (more on that in a minute), I do think that the show made all the right strides toward developing not only as a series, but also in terms of being taken more seriously than just a gimmick-y horror show that changes stories whenever it gets bored.

Um.. think you've got a little something in your eye there, Sister... nope, still there...

Certainly a major theme of the season was misogyny is all its ugly forms. The repeated number of rapes in this season would have been laughable if it wasn’t disturbing. Lana bore the brunt of most of the anger against women, but Sister Jude saw her fair share as well. And poor Shelly could not have been a clearer message if she was wearing a neon sign instead of the drab jumper and mutation make-up she spent most of her time in. It’s tempting to chalk most of that up to “the times they lived in” and try to remember that this was a period show for the majority of this season, but it felt like more than that was going on. Just like it could be tempting to unravel all these threads into some kind of statement about religion or the Catholic church’s oppression of minorities, women, homosexuals and anyone it didn’t agree with, but then the corroborating evidence never seemed to arrive.

Which may well be the main takeaway of the season – the subplots that never really plotted. When aliens first showed up at the beginning of the very first episode, I was honestly not surprised. AHS is a series that will throw literally anything to the wall to see if it sticks, so aliens were actually almost quaintly conventional. But what did they do? We never got what they were after and we never learned anything about them other than that they apparently had nothing better to do with their time than muck about with Kit’s life. Likewise, why did Arden’s Nazi past matter so much if we never got anything for it other than the parallels between the Nazi internment camps and the Asylum itself and returning theme of the inmates, including those woods zombies, as chattel in either case?

I was legitimately creeped out by the second episode “Tricks and Treats” when the possessed boy was brought to the asylum for an exorcism. Exorcisms and possession scare the daylights out of me (blame my Catholic upbringing) and when I saw that demon possession was going to a component of this season, everything clicked for me. The 1960s was probably the last great era of Catholicism in the United States and so to pair that timeframe with a demonic possession story seemed inspired to me. But then, that pesky little devil never really did anything other than get the best one-liners and generally make Sister May Eunice one of the most fun characters to watch. Much like the aliens, it felt a little like the demon’s heart just wasn’t really into this story.

It leads to the question of what really is horror, especially on a television series? True to promises made last summer before the season aired, this season was completely ghost-less, a remarkable turnabout from the parade of endlessly horny poltergeists in Murder House.  Asylum’s horror was much more rooted in how frightening average, normal people can be all on their own, which is probably why the alien and possession subplots fell so flat and why watching Lana’s transition from Intrepid Girl Reporter to rag doll abusee to eventual Living Moral Ambiguity Machine was so interesting. The entire question gets summarized nicely in the end of course, as Sister Jude not-so-subtly reminds the viewers of the very Nietzsche-esque message of the season - when you stare into madness, madness stares back at you. 

Is it a mirror? Is it a reflection? Is it an album cover?

A final takeaway, though an obvious one, is that Jessica Lange continues to rock every single scene she finds herself in. I don’t know if an established career actress can ever legitimately be said to be the breakout star of a show, but if that’s possible than that’s what Lange has done in two seasons. Her award-winning depiction of Constance the fading southern belle was every bit as memorable as the harsh, demented but ultimately sympathetic Sister Jude. Given enough time, American Horror Story may be able to run an effective season without Lange, but thankfully it doesn’t have to just yet.

Speaking of which, it’s never too early to ponder what we might see from season three, premiering in just a scant seven months. Here’s what we know so far:

First, several veterans will be returning for the next season including Lange, Francis Conroy (Old Moira, the Angel of Death), Sarah Paulson (Lana), Evan Peters (Kit, Tate), Lily Rabe (Sister Mary Eunice) and Taissa Farminga who played Violet in season one. Kathy Bates (Misery) has also been announced as a main character based on someone who was apparently real. As is now practice for the show, creator Ryan Murphy says that he has dropped a hint as to next season’s story and location in this year’s episode “The Name Game”. Given the jukebox playing “I’ve Put A Spell On You”, speculation is leaning strongly toward witches being a theme next season. Murphy has also said that he wants to get back to the “evil glamour” aspect of the show, which bodes well not only for Jessica Lange never having to wear a habit again, but also serves as a possible hint itself.

Call yourselves warned, people. You’ve got seven months to stitch together your Pillow of Fear in preparation.

Recapping AHS: Whys and Wherefores

Last one, everybody. (Well, until October, that is.) We begin at the beginning with Johnny breaking into the ruins of Briarcliff in the modern day. He wanders about while listening to a recording of Lana’s book read by Lana herself. He sees visions of the inmates, including Lana telling him he never should have been born and Thredson saying how much he loved Johnny and how Lana stole that love from both of them. Who should arrive but Leo and Teresa, the randy newlyweds from the first part of the season. We see the opening scene, this time from Johnny’s perspective as he hides in the cell that Leo eventually sticks his arm into. We all remember what happens next – arm in, Johnny decides what the hell and hacks it off with a machete before heading after Teresa.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Act I! In the modern day, an aged Lana sits in her extremely well-apportioned home preparing for a Barbara Walters-style interview on her life. Lana’s partnered openly to a professional classical musician and seems to be doing splendidly. The interviewer wants to talk about Bloody Face for the Kennedy Center honor she’s being given, but Lana’s not too keen on talking about that subject, understandably. But she does agree to talk about how she finally took down Briarcliff. Flashback to 1970 and Lana leads a camera crew through the death chute into the asylum. We see an extremely dank, overcrowded and filthy Briarcliff with inmates wandering freely. Patients are naked, covered in sores and generally utterly gross and the filming is all very Willowbrook: The Last Great Disgrace and, honestly, really cool to watch. Finally finding an orderly, Lana demands he take her to Sister Jude. Lana recounts wishing she could have found Jude in the depth of the asylum and freed her from it, but she never got the chance. Jude was long gone by the time she got there. Meanwhile, she needs a break before going on and asks for some water. A production assistant hands her a bottle. Lana thanks him and we see the assistant is Johnny.

Proof that the reality of deteriorating mental health care is far scarier than aliens, ghosts, demons and the Catholic Church.

Act II! Sometime in the early 1970s, Lana visits Kit in his house shortly after airing her exposé on Briarcliff. Lana demands Kit tell her who Betty Drake is, confessing that while going through the mess in Braircliff she discovered the files that showed Monsignor faked Jude’s death and gave her the new identity. The files also show that Kit checked Jude out in 1971. Kit confesses that he used to visit her while she was drugged and unresponsive, eventually reasoning that getting Jude out was the one thing he could do for her. He brought her home to detox from the drugs they put her on and she slowly began to recover some of who she was. Jude would occasionally relapse, however, believing she was back at Briarcliff and becoming violent until one day, during a particularly bad fit, the children calmly took Jude’s hand and led her into the woods, after which Kit said she was never the same again, becoming calmer and happier. Kit concludes that Grace was right, the kids are special. Jude spent six months becoming a surrogate grandmother to Kit’s children before becoming sick. In her final moments, we see Jude lying in bed with the kids. She tells Julia never to let a man tell her that she can’t be anything that she wants and that Thomas should find something that he loves and do something important with his life. Kit sends the kids outside to play, telling Jude that he’s here and he’s not going to leave her alone. Jude smiles and tells him, “I’m not alone – she’s here for me.” We see that the Angel has been in the back of the room this whole time. The Angel gently tells Jude they’ve been doing this dance for many years, is she sure she’s ready? Jude asks for a kiss. The Angel moves closer to the bed, wings unfurled and leans in and the entire scene is just ridiculously touching and beautiful. And that’s the end of Sister Jude.

And a flight of creepy anachronistic angels sing thee to thy rest.

Act III! The interviewer asks Lana about her next success after Briarcliff – taking down Cardinal Howard. Lana recalls hunting down the former Monsingor in New York in a parking structure and asking him about his role in hiring Arden, detailing the human remains of the zombie inmates that they’ve since discovered. Monsignor drives off, but apparently couldn’t escape the guilt and he is found later in his bathtub, wrists slit wide open. “Lies are like scars on your soul, they destroy you,” Lana ponders. Then she tells the interviewer about her lie that she’s propagated for years – that her baby died in childbirth. She admits that she gave him up to the state, although in the mid 1970s she suffered remorse and managed to hunt the baby Johnny down to a schoolyard, where he was being picked on by some bullies. Lana intervened and helped young Johnny, touching his face tenderly before Johnny ran away. Lana says she thought about him often, wondering where he is now. Of course, Johnny is sitting in just the other room listening. Lana says she found some comfort in becoming Godmother to Kit’s kids who have done well for themselves becoming a law professor and a neurosurgeon. Unfortunately, Kit developed pancreatic cancer when he was 40. His decline was apparently slow and painful, but strangely, he disappeared one day without a note or any evidence. Three guesses as to which extraterrestrial force was responsible. Finally, the interview is over and the film crew clears out leaving Lana alone in her home. Lana pours two stiff drinks and says to no one in particular, “Why don’t you come out now?” Turning around, Johnny emerges from the other room. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?” says Lana.

Act IV! Turns out Johnny got onto the crew by getting stabby with one of the early delivery staff. Johnny says this isn’t how he pictured this happening, but Lana says she always knew it would come. Lana was warned about him recently when two cops sought her out after a series of murders occurred in what was Thredson’s old home, now Johnny’s. Johnny says he suspected who Lana was that day on the playground, dreaming most of his life that she would come back for him. Then one day, on eBay, he found the recording of Thredson confessing while Lana threatens to abort the baby growing in her. Hearing Lana speak so coldly about getting rid of the life inside her while Thredson begs for her to keep it alive, Johnny began to hate Lana because at least his father always wanted him. Johnny pulls a gun and points it at Lana’s head, saying that this will make his father proud of him. Lana gently touches Johnny’s hand and says that his father was a monster, but she knows that he isn’t because even if Thredson is a part of him, there has to be a part of her in Johnny too. Lana cradles Johnny, moving the gun away from her. “It’s not your fault, baby,” she tells him. “It’s mine.” And that’s when Lana uses the gun to shoot Johnny in the head, just like she did his father, stone cold killer style. 

Cue obligatory hand-wringing about who is the real monster, etc. etc. 

Flashback to 1964, the first meeting between Sister Jude and Lanat. Lana would also like to interview Jude, but Jude says no, she’s certain they’re not destined to meet again. “You don’t know what I’m capable of,” Lana says. “Just remember,” Jude advises her, “If you look in the face of evil, evil’s gonna look right back at you.” And with that Sister Jude leads Lana out of the building before heading back into its depths as Dominique begins to play.