The X-Files Strikes Back

I remember when I first heard the news The X-Files would return. So many feels: excitement, nervousness, glee, and of course, terror. Because what if it the show comes back...and isn't any good? What if the old magic is gone? What if the sinkhole mess of mythology that broke the show in the later seasons (and we won't even mention the second movie) similarly sucks the joy out of these new episodes?

In short, I was freaking terrified. But I also WANT TO BELIEVE.

And now here we are. The first three episodes have aired and we're halfway through the new "season." I am sure you're all wondering...how did it go?

Yes, indeed, The X-Files is back. Everything that we loved about the original show is still here and a lot of the same beats, themes, and jokes work. But I don't mean to imply it feels like no time has passed. Somehow everyone in front of and behind the cameras managed to capture the tone of the show, but it's clear that events and relationships have evolved and changed. It's like when you get together with your good friends from many years ago. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, you still click and carry on as if you had seen each other just yesterday. But now you joke about spouses, kids, or jobs. You know, actual life stuff instead of boobs. Well, let's be honest. You're still going to joke about boobs. 

Ok, so we can all agree that The X-Files is well and truly back! Of course, this also means that all the old problems with the show are still there. The alien conspiracy still doesn't make any sense, Vancouver is still not Washington, D.C., and the idea that Mulder and Scully would still be employed by the Federal government is totally ludicrous. Oh, and Duchovny is still all mumble and Anderson seems like she could start snoozing in the middle of a scene.

BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S BAAAAACK!

Scully still rockin the pantsuits. She wore it before it was cool.

Of the three episodes that have aired, the third (Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster) is the strongest. It's also not a coincidence that it's a monster-of-the-week episode seemingly unrelated to the alien stuff. I always considered the stand-alone episodes the strongest of the series, when The X-Files could play with genre, expectations, and storytelling techniques.

Don't get me wrong, the conspiracy remains the core of the series and the reason Mulder and Scully are positioned to investigate the other weirdness. But the thing I loved most about The-X-Files was the creativity of the stories and the chemistry between the two leads. I think some of that gets lost when we spend so much time trying to explain that aliens are real and are working with a shady group of old white dudes to take over the world except not really it's just the shady old white dudes stealing the alien technology to plan a complete collapse of the world economy and then fascism. Um, something like that anyway.

I will admit that the first episode of the new series basically did what I thought was impossible: it condensed a bunch of the past mythology into something that actually makes sense and is (somewhat) easily explained. It also put Mulder in a position to have a crisis of faith, which means Scully can help bring him around. For the most part though, Mulder is still the believer, Scully is still the doubter, and Skinner is still strangely hot. And bald. Just in case you were worried about that last part.

To sum up, watching the new X-files episodes feels just like watching the old ones. Whether that's good or bad, I leave it to you to decide. From my perspective, it's most decidedly a wonderful thing.

Now if they figure out a way to bring back Krycek I can die happy.

These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For

Hello, readers! Thought that the end of Downton Abbey's third season was the last you were going to see of Lady Gillian? Think again! She returns to give us her take on a very different show below.

One would think that a show featuring an MMA-style cage match except now with GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS would be entertaining as hell to watch. A pinnacle in the genre of televised bloodsport. But, nay. Syfy as somehow managed to fuck this one up.  Gentle readers, I give you the latest entry in the annals of pedestrian reality shows: Robot Combat League.

The douchbag is strong with this one.

Syfy, apparently out of ideas for movies based on carnivorous homicidal CGI animal amalgamations (CROCSHARK! COBRAGATOR! ANACONDAKITTEN!), has taken a good concept (ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER) and made it unwatchable, banal and boring. So boring, in fact, that I fell asleep.

First of all, the mood, background music and the tone of the show are all overly dramatic. This is coming from someone who watches Downton Abbey like it's my job. It's like they want to convince us that this is some serious shit getting real RIGHT NOW. Like Seal Team 6 Let's Kill Osama bin Laden Realness. IT'S FUCKING ROBOTS FIGHTING EACH OTHER. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

My second issue is with the premise.  We are led to believe that this one overly intense robotics engineer built all of these robots all by his lonesome in his lab.  Yes, working alone day and night, fending off sleep, not pausing even to eat or drink, all alone in his underground robot-building lair (read: somebody's garage), Dr. Noonian Soong bravely sallied forth and built a bunch of semi-functional robots for a teevee show. Actually, I forget his actual name. Let's just call him Dr. Venture. I gotta call bullshit on all of this. Dr. Venture seems more like he came from Mad Scientist central casting than an actual robotics company. I don't think he is a real robotics engineer nor do I think he is a real person. Nor do I believe he built all those robots with his two bare hands. I honest to Pete think he's an actor.

Then there are the contestants. Oh, the contestants. Other reality shows like Face/Off, SyFy's makeup design show, become highly addictive because you get to know and like the contestants. You choose favorites based on their aesthetic, body of work, personality and how dedicated they are to their craft. They're mostly all people you'd like to have at a party. Some of them even have talent! And therein lies the problem - none of the contestants are people I'd want to hang with. They seem like people who spend their weekend at the gym, talking about how much they enjoyed The Secret and how they're now eating Paleo and juicing. No one has a sense of humor that I can detect, and if they do, maybe the producers told them not to let on. Because this is super serious what we're doing right here. Like we're making robots fight. In an arena that I can only assume is Kitchen Stadium.

Not even the addition of George Lucas's daughter (yes, his real, actual daughter) into the mix makes it palatable. She seems like one of the nicer contestants, but she's really only interesting insofar as…she's George Lucas's daughter. Apparently, she fights people for a living, so I'm not going to go negative on her. One of the only contestants with any real science cred is a guy who works building robots for NASA. Okay, thinks I to self, I can deal with a poor man's Grant Imahara. But, he's not likeable, either! You know that robot named Curiosity on Mars, he says in his intro. Yeah. I built that. No, no you didn't build that. Maybe you helped build that. You and like 50 other people.  YOU DID NOT FUCKING BUILD THAT.

Strange. That slogan worked so well for this guy.

Since Syfy is trying desperately to cash in on the success of the popular movie make-up competition Face/Off (now in its fourth season in two years), I can understand why they'd think a reality competition would be the logical choice to follow a high-rated lead-in. But, like with the now-defunct Hot Set, Syfy has fallen short again.

Robot Combat League follows the generic reality TV formula, and as a result, it's about as bland as one could expect. There's the usual facing the camera trash-talking of the other contestants. That happens on almost every reality show. But, on Face/Off, the commentary is actually helpful to understanding the process of creating whatever horrific undeadmonsterdemon is on tap for that week's challenge. Even on something like RuPaul's Drag Race, where trash-talking your competition is elevated to an art form, the queens still remain likeable. Even funny. Everyone in the confessional Robot Combat League just seems like an asshat.

Then there's the host. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like…someone you wouldn't mind watching host a reality competition show. Face/Off's host is Mackenzie Westmore. Whose dad is fucking Michael Westmore. Who did the make-up on Star Trek: TNG.  Worf! He made Worf! The host of this show is Just Some White Dude. And then there's the prize. It's $100,000 to the winner. And then what else?  You get to be crowned a professional smacktard?

Is it real or is it just a scene from William Gibson's fever-induced wet dreams? 

Overall, this show is like someone took the robots away from the nerds and gave them to all the jocks in gym class, except the nerdy father/daughter pair, who are out-testosteroned in the first match and are sent packing. It was no great surprise, considering they were robot-matched with what is probably the weakest robot of the bunch, a cute little droid named Crash. Crash is clearly not as sturdy as the competing bots. He (may I personify?)  looks like he was designed and built by the good folks at Play-Skool. Since the robots and their teams were all assigned by the production, I can't help but think that was deliberate. The robots don't even fight per se. They just kind of smack at each other with their little robot arms. There is so much overly dramatic build-up that it's not worth sticking around to see the actual fights. Possibly the show would be better-served by running 30 minutes instead of a full hour.

Maybe it would have been interesting if they'd taken a team of people who actually built the robots and then had them fight it out, instead of assembling the Generic Nonspecific League. Most of the contestants have never worked on or built a robot (except for maybe the girl with this somewhat mechanized and super annoying pink whirligig hair accessory). But, to gather all these random people to cage-fight a pre-fabricated machine that they learn to operate like some kind of bulky Wii controller is conceptually the same thing as bumper cars.

So, in sum, Robot Combat League doesn't really feature any actual combat; the contestants are, for the most part, too self-absorbed constitute a league; and there aren't really any robots. I guess we're supposed to think the contestants are accomplished, what with their Olympic appearances, MMA cred, six-pack abs and accompanying enormous egos and shitty attitudes, but their only real talent appears to be douchebaggery. Is this what Syfy offers us as a replacement for the (unjustly) canceled Alphas, starring Good Night and Good Luck's David Strathairn (he of the silver hair and soothing voice)?

I will say that some of the robots are kind of neat to look at, and they're pretty cleverly constructed. But, they can't really move independently of a human at the helm. They ain't no Data. Or C-3PO.  Or R2. Perhaps the show will get better once it gets its feet wet, and who knows? I might end up liking it and eating my words. Or maybe the robots will rise up and defeat their human slave masters. But, for right now, I don't think I will be tuning in too often.  I'll be restricting my SyFy viewing to shows that have earned my respect: Being Human, Lost Girl and Face/Off. Let's all hope that the upcoming series Defiance has more merit than this shite. 

So much potential. So much build-up. So much fail.  

Thinning the Herd

Lady Gillian recaps the final episode of Downton Abbey's third season for us. What twists await? Read on to see!

Let me preface this recap by saying I didn't really want to watch this episode because I accidentally read a spoiler a few weeks ago, so I've been aware that a highly foreshadowed death of a major character would be taking place during the season finale. What's that you say? You didn't see that coming? Well, I bet someone I won't mention wishes he'd seen a certain truck coming as well, so there you are. Finally, I just sat down and watched the damn thing, owing to my ability to live-text Clovis whilst I watched it. There's also the one-cent-per-word contribution I am making in [REDACTED]’s memory to the Isobel Crawley Home for Whores, Tarts and PROSTITUTES.

A year has passed since last week's episode. It is now 1921 and everyone’s going on a trip. Unfortunately for CNN, no one's booked a Carnival cruise; they're just heading up to visit the Flintshires at Duneagle in Scotland. Lil Sybbie is growing and is now big enough to point at things. Yes, Sibbie. Those are poor people. Yes, they are. Things remain (sexually?) tense between Jimmy and Thomas, although Thomas is acquitting himself admirably in his new role as under-butler.

Guess who's coming to dinner, Scottish cousins?

Mary is expecting a baby at last! Finally, the royal succession will no longer be in doubt. No one wants her to go to Duneagle so close to her time, considering the complete fucking mess that resulted from Sybil's pregnancy and all of her gallivanting about. Gregson telephones roving reporter Edith to let her know that he will be going to Scotland at the same time they will be at Duneagle. What a kowinkidink. Mary and Robert obviously suspect shenanigans. Cora wants to meet him, but Robert really does not, because really. I think we have quite enough low-born people in this family already. That's not even the best part about Gregson, Robert. Just. You. Wait.

The Flintshires are based in Scotland and we will hereafter refer to Lord Flintshire as "Shrimpie" not due in any part to his failings as a husband and father, but because of a childhood game in which Shrimpie and his siblings pretended to be various sea creatures. Seriously. Branson isn't coming with since he wasn't included in the invite since he's a Muggle so he's charged with dogsitting Isis. The Crawleys are taking basic bare-bones staff: Bates, Anna, O'Brien and Moseley.  

Much more after the jump.

Sodomy Laws and Modernization, Tonight on Masterpiece Classic!

This week's episode is two hours. Because CURSE YOU, JULIAN FELLOWES!!!

Bates is being released from prison! No one shanks him on the way out the door, and he and Anna reunite in a long-awaited embrace. Once they arrive at Downton, Bates interrupts breakfast! Mrs. Hughes, Carson, Daisy and Mrs. Patmore are happy to see him, but Thomas is not, obvs. At breakfast with the swells, Edith has a letter from her editor and her hair looks stellar! He's asked to meet her in London. Matthew encourages her to visit Lady Rosamund and buy some new clothes, but Robert does not want Edith being a lady reporter or updating her frumptastic wardrobe. He is Bitter McBitterpants, and gets up to leave, mentioning that Matthew has summoned Jarvis to a meeting. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Robert runs into Bates in the hallway and is super happy to see him. He offers Bates a cottage, and promises to sort out the valet situation with Thomas.

At Crawley House, Lady Violet is laying down the law to Isobel about having a PROSTITUTE work as her maid/cook. Violet says Ethel is notorious in the village, and she knows so. How does she know this? Because she's EVERYWHERE! 

Maybe because she's secretly an Animagus?

Violet informs Isobel that she's surrounded the family with a MIASMA of scandal and she should rid herself of Ethel straightaway. Ethel enters and Isobel praises her improvement in cooking. Ethel is grateful to have a skill. Violet says, "But you seem to have so many."

Cora and Robert are on speaking terms again. They discuss what Robert will do with two valets (the post-war era really is trying) and Cora spies the nursemaid taking Lil Sibbie out in her pram. Robert wants to know when Branson is moving out and Cora reminds him that Tom and the baby are their responsibility now.

Downstairs, Moseley asks what Thomas is going to do now that Bates is back. *Facepalm* Ivy enters, and Alfred announces  he's planning to see a moving picture! With Lillian Gish! Jimmy thinks the plot sounds a bit soppy (it does), and Ivy won't be seen in public alone with Alfred. Mrs. Hughes gives permission if other maids accompany them so as not to invite scandal.

Much more after the jump!

Anyone Who Has Use of Their Limbs Can Make a Salmon Mousse

Proudly serving up another piece of Downton Abbey recap (and fancy Russian-Franco dessert) is Lady Gillian! Enjoy!

Hello, Anglophiliacs! Observant folks will notice Jessica Brown-Findlay's name is now gone from the opening credits. Maybe she'll make a joint appearance with Lavinia's ghost in some future Ouija board session, but for now, we mourn.

We open with Robert bidding farewell to the funeral guests. Tom Branson, unsurprisingly, is completely lost. Matthew offers his and Mary's help, but Tom responds that he's beyond help. True dat.  He's going to have to contend with a disapproving father-in-law who doesn't want his granddaughter baptized Catholic or named after her mother. Godspeed. Things are still pretty poisonous between Cora and Robert, and agreeing (for once) that they'd like to get away from the awkwardness, Isobel and Violet leave Downton together.

The new maids downstairs are very silly pieces of work, and Anna nicely explains to them that they're all very sad about Lady Sybil's death, so stop giggling and find something to do. Carson wears his usual disapproving glare and walks out. What do they care, harumphs Carson to himself. I'm sure they'd all rather be out smoking and listening to that new jazz music! He complains to Mrs. Hughes who tells him that perhaps their mothers don't want them going into service anymore.

Inconceivable!

Thomas has been quite affected by Sybil's death, but he's still hot for Jimmy and gives his leg an affectionate squeeze. Jimmy squirms. Does Thomas's attention make Jimmy more uncomfortable than educating the working classes or votes for women? Or is it that he doesn't want to be found out?  Hmmm.

More intrigue, after the jump!

Does Murray Handle Malpractice Cases?

This recap contains SPOILERS. If you did not watch the most recent episode, and have also been living under a rock, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. STOP. GO BACK. THE BRIDGE IS OUT.

Hi, I'm Laura Linney and…this is why you should never get pregnant.

We open with Dr. Clarkson paying a prenatal nighttime visit to Downton to check on Lady Sybil. She apparently had labor pains, but it was a false alarm. Dr. Clarkson says she's fine. Robert arrogantly tells folksy country practitioner Clarkson that Sir Philip Tapsell, a fancy London doctor, will arrive tomorrow.

Downstairs, new kitchen maid Ivy is discussing her eventual baby-making plans. She's unmarried, so let's hope we have another Ethel in the making. There's a little bit of ho-yay served up at the tea table between Jimmy and Thomas. O'Brien looks as though she has had An Idea. Daisy is still pissed that Ivy…well, exists, really.

Upstairs, it's time for breakfast in bed with a side of "I'm taking over managing the estate" talk. Matthew's got ideas about how to turn things around and save Downton for future generations, and he doesn't want to upset Robert by letting him know he's been a giant fail in that department for the last several years. 

But I can't possibly be incompetent. I'm rich!

Over in Cora and Robert's room, Robert explains his decision to contact Tapsell. Clarkson misdiagnosed Matthew AND missed warning signs with Lavinia. Not his fault, really. Matthew's sudden cure was more than a tad unrealistic, and Lavinia was killed off for having an incurable case of being in the way.

Much more after the jump.

Stop Whining and Find Something to Do

Get out your shoulder pads and sparkly dresses! It's time for Dynasty Downton Abbey! Julian Fellowes has got his mojo on in this episode, so get out your newfangled electric toasting ovens and let's make some brioche! Carson is passing out envelopes to each member of the staff. Party invitations? Don't be silly. Those poor SOBs downstairs only get to have a party when someone hands them a sock. It's mail call. Once again, Anna hasn't gotten any letters from Bates.  We learn that Bates also isn't being allowed visitors, so we get to play the game of, "Who is unfairly picking on Bates now?"

Isobel has a letter from Ethel for Mrs. Hughes.  Mrs. Hughes asks after Ethel and learns that she's become a prostitute, which is not something we say at Downton Abbey. Isobel says "prostitute" with such relish that she really makes up for the lack of its utterance in other quarters.

Poor people sometimes have to make humiliating choices? Shocking!

Carson wants to know if he can now hire more staff since the influx of Matthew's capital. JobCreatory McInheritancepants wants to know if that's really necessary, and there's subtext that maybe what Matthew wants to do with his take in the estate is eliminate some positions. 

More after the jump.

Going to the Chapel of First World Problems

Lady Gillian returns to give us more Downton Abbey recapping goodness!

Hello, English lit doctorates! Good thing your shift at the bookstore ends at eight so you can be home in time to catch Downton on PBS at nine! That Ph.D. was a good investment after all!

Downton is prepping for the Edith/Strallan wedding. It will be less of a swanky affair than Mary's wedding, since the Crawleys don't love Edith as much as they love Mary. Down in the servants' hall, Thomas and O'Brien flirt exchange barbs. Thomas approaches Moseley about his friend's daughter, who is looking for a position as a lady's maid. Moseley would like to get her in as a lady's maid so she won't have to debase herself by being a house maid. Thomas wants to be helpful and tells him a "secret" about O'Brien.

Cora and Robert are in the study discussing how they're going to about selling Downton. They have land near Durham and they intend to move there to a smaller house. They decide to go visit this tenement that they're likely going to be moving to. Moseley tells Cora he wants to put forward a candidate as O'Brien's replacement when she leaves the Crawleys' service. As in Thomas is playing him like a fiddle. Cora's taken off-guard and the Crawleys are most aggrieved. It's so hard to find conniving help these days.

Matthew has a case of sadface on so we know he's thinking about all the money he has to inherit. Again. If only there were other young men in Britain one could leave one's millions to. Unsurprisingly, Mary is Downton Crabby with Matthew still about his unwillingness to share his good fortune with the rest of the family.

Modern-day audiences will no doubt empathize with having so much money that you can afford to reject the offer of a free country estate out of principle.

More after the jump!

Downton Abbey Part II - The Revenge of Auntie Mame

Hello again! Part II of Lady Gillian Ravescroft-Anderson's Downton Abbey recap, presented for your reading pleasure. 

Picking up from Part I, Branson shows up at Isobel’s after receiving a summons from m'lady to appear before her. Lady Violet is in the drawing room talking trash about Cora's mother. Lady Isobel says she likes it that Mrs. Levinson isn't overawed by the set-up at Downton. Lady Violet references Hyperion not being overawed by the Bourbons and I think that's our cue from Julian Fellowes to look this shit up on Google since we didn't all go to Eton. Branson apologizes for last night. It's all copacetic. Lady Violet and Lady Isobel are going to tailor one of Matthew's old morning coats to fit him. Branson refuses since a morning coat is the uniform of oppression. Yes.. Morning coat = chains. Branson's political views are really interesting, so sayeth the Dowager Lady V, but seriously. You look like shit. Now shut up and strip.

Outside Downton. Snazztastic red car pulls up in the drive and the music lets us know that it's an important guest. Cora's mother Shirley MacLaine has Auntie Mame’d her way across the Atlantic and arrived at Downton.

This is actually just how Shirley MacLaine spents her usual weekends remembering her most recent past life.

Mrs. Levinson (MacLaine) greets the girls. She reminds us that Sybil is pregnant, not chubby and that Edith’s life is a continuing narrative of He's Just Not that Into You. Then she tells Mary she's sure her wedding plans suck. Down in the servants' hall, we meet Mrs. Levinson's maid, Reed. Since Daisy's still on strike, it's up to the ladies' maids to get Mrs. Levinson her goat's milk and boiled water every day.

More after the jump!

Is It Just My New Plasma TV, or Was Everyone on This Show Always So Pasty?

Hello, Gentle Readers! Following up on Maggie Cats' review of the first episode of Downton Abbey Season 3, new guest blogger Lady Gillian Ravenscroft-Anderson has agreed to provide a full recap! Of course, a regular episode of Downton Abbey is hard enough to recap given the sheer number of scenes (seriously, can Julian Fellowes write more than five lines of dialogue at a time?), so we've broken the two-hour dramafest into two posts for your convenience. Take it away, Lady Gillian...

Downton Abbey is back and with it so many questions. Will Downton continue to survive as a grand estate? Will Matthew and Mary finally get married? Will Lady Edith continue to throw herself at an old one-armed coot find a husband? Which parlor maid will turn out to be a whore this season? Don't touch that dial! I've got a pot of coffee, a pile of blankets, and two hours of Anglophilia on my DVR. It's dark and I'm wearing sunglasses. I've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's get started, shall we?

The cast of Upstairs, Downstairs takes the stage...

It's spring of 1920. There are fewer young men around to marry your pushing-30 daughters off to. We have less money, fewer maids and fewer footmen. The times they are a-changin'.The Crawleys of the Grantham estate have survived WWI more or less unscathed. Sir Julian Fellowes has run out of plot devices to keep Matthew (Dan Stevens) and Mary (Michelle Dockery) apart, so after well-nigh ten years of ostensible courtship, they are on track to get hitched.

Much more after the jump!