Lie Down. Try Not To Cry. Cry A Lot.

Adventure Time With Finn and Jake does a lot of things well. It has an eye-catching, surreal artisitc style. The characters are well-developed and the differences between them are non-trivial (which is less common than you might think for a cartoon). The plots are twisty and often twisted. Plus, singing! All of these elements are necessary for a cartoon to transcend the category of "children's programming" and become all-ages entertainment.

As I said, Adventure Time usually does these things well. Sometimes, however, it does these things AWESOMELY. For example, the two-part episode "I Remember You" and "Simon and Marcy." First, a little backstory - the Ice King is a comical despot who is constantly capturing princesses and trying to make them fall in love with him. He does have some magical powers, but in the end he's not an actual threat because all he really wants is friends. Marcelline is a female vampire musician, the epitome of cool. She drinks the color red (hey, it's a cartoon after all), has the ability to fly, and is well-known for her lyrical talent.

"I Remember You" begins with the Ice King trying to write a song to woo princeses with. He thinks he has a dark and tragic past to draw from, but he can't remember it. So he grabs an old journal and goes to Marcelline for help. At first she says no, but when Finn and Jake come to kick him out she tells them to let him stay. It turns out that the two have a history - one that started before the Ice King lost  his memory. They sing this song together:


OK, mind = blown. AND THEN we go into "Simon and Marcy" - Jake and Finn ask Marcelline why she allows the Ice King to hang around. She shrugs and says, 'I guess it's time I told somebody this story.' Flashback almost 1,000 years ago and open on a post-apocalyptic hellscape. A little girl with dark hair is crying, and a man with a backpack somes to her aid.

Before Marcelline was a vampire and before the Ice King became what he is, they were the lone survivors of the Mushroom War (obvious reference to 'mushroom clouds'). What follows is heart-breaking story in which Simon must don the crown of the Ice King to protect Marcy, but every time he puts it on HE GOES A LITTLE MORE INSANE. And at the end of her story, the Ice King looks at Marcelline and asks how it ends. She says, 'Simon never put the crown on again and they lived happily ever after.'

Check out new episodes Mondays at 7:30 pm on Cartoon Network. Or, if you remember the login information for your cable provider (yeah, right) you can watch episodes online - Adventure Time!

White Collar: "Shoot the Moon"

I'm a little behind on White Collar, but let me pick up where I left off with "Shoot the Moon."

In this episode, we find that Neal is in a friends-with-benefits relationship with Sarah (his old flame the Insurance Investigator). He's also consulting on her latest assignment - the security of Marie Antoinette's perfume bottle. Meanwhile, Peter and Elizabeth are planning a romantic getaway with no disturbances. In other words, if something were to happen, no one would miss them for days and days... Yeah, nothing is going to wrong with that plan. Just before they leave, Jones brings over an IRS file on Ellen - she apparently worked for a security company in the Empire State Building after she left witness protection. Recall from previous episodes that the Empire State Building is where she hid the evidence box that will (purportedly) exonerate Neal's father. Oooh, plot arc-y.

Peter and Elizabeth swing by the perfume bottle exhibit, and instantly deduce that Neal and Sarah are "back in the saddle," so to speak... God I hope there are no actual saddles involved. ANYWAY Elizabeth asks them to take care of the dog in an obvious attempt to throw them together (this will actually be important later). After they leave, a couple of amateur criminals shoot up the place and make off with the perfume bottle - running into a carjacking/kidnapping Peter and Elizabeth on their way. We find out that he's Nate "Oz" Osbourne - a petty thief who got sentenced to 15 years for assaulting a cop (except he didn't) - and she's Penny Chase - his creepy prison pen-pal who helped him escape. In his letters Oz promised her grandiose things, and seems to be delivering on his promises via daring daylight robberies. Naturally.

In her defense, he's pretty hot when he takes off the mask.

The fly in the proverbial ointment - if the criminals find out that Peter is an FBI agent, they are likely to do something stupid. Or rather, do something EVER STUPIDER than what they've been doing so far. Elizabeth uses her charm to distract Oz and Penny, but it's not enough and they catch Peter going for his gun. Uh-oh. This makes them desperate, and they decide to grab their last target and go out in a blaze of glory. DOUBLE UH-OH. Meanwhile, Neal and Sarah figure out their next target by reading through the badly-written romance novel that is Oz and Penny's correspondence - he says "I'll give you the moon," so OBVIOUSLY they're going after a moon rock. To the science museum! *cue original Batman TV series style screen wipe*

The FBI hasn't been sitting on its hands, either - they've found Peter and Elizabeth's car and cell phones, and realize that they've been taken by Oz and Penny. Time for a good old fashioned shoot-out, right? Wrong. Neal breaks in to the museum, steals the moon rock before Oz can get there, and uses it (successfully) to bargain for Peter's release. In the other room, Elizabeth uses psychology to disarm Penny - figuratively AND literally. In the end, she can't just leave them to die, so she drags Peter along to convince them that this whole "blaze of glory" thing is not as awesome as the other option, "grow old together." And it works - hooray!

How cute are they?

In other news, Neal goes over to Peter and Elizabeth's house to take care of the dog... and finds the IRS file on Ellen. Thinking he's still working under orders from Elizabeth to keep Peter out of danger, he snaps a few photos and prepares to start his search of the Empire State Building. At the end of the episode, however, Elizabeth confesses to asking Neal to lie. Peter turns around and confesses as well - his grand plan all along was to step back and let Neal do the legwork in finding the box. Gah, I can't take it anymore! Lies on top of lies! Circles within circles! When does it end?

Quite soon, actually. Only two more episodes of White Collar this season - stay tuned!

Squee-cap - Glee Goes Hollywood

This week on Glee saw the return of Ms. Pillsbury, two dream sequences, and several kiss confessions. Are "kiss confessions" a thing? If they weren't before, they totally are now!

It was mash-up week at McKinley High, with the theme Film Music. The usual competition between the boys and the girls was turned up a notch, since the winners get to star in Artie's senior film project. But first a co-ed warm up - Blaine and Brittany dancing crazy to "Shout," which I guess was the show's 500th song? Whatevs.

Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

 The boys went first, and killed with a mash-up of "Highway to the Danger Zone" and "Old Time Rock and Roll." The girls went next with a mash-up of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" and "Material Girl" - Unique (and to a lesser extent, Marley) kicked ass, but for me it didn't incorporate enough of "Material Girl." Was that just me? Anyway, it didn't even matter in the end because the winner was... everyone. Artie literally needed every single Glee kid for his film. *eye roll*

Meanwhile, Mr. Schuester is having trippy dreams about him and Ms. Pillsbury performing "You're All The World To Me" in one of those gravity-trick rooms (like that Lionel Richie video for "Dancing On The Ceiling" - look it up!). I guess that means he misses her, even though he doesn't really want to admit it. Finn tries to convince Mr. Schuester to put aside his butt hurt and go after Ms. Pillsbury - but he doesn't know where to find her. Finn and Artie end up tricking her parents into telling them where she is (her sister's house - how hard was that?).

Mr. Schuester shows up in her driveway, holding up a boom box and singing "In Your Eyes" a la Say Anything. Only one question remains... where did he even FIND a boom box? Do they still make those? ANYWAY, Ms. Pillsbury tells Mr. Schuester that she needs time to get reacquainted with him, and he agrees to "start over." Mr. Schuester thanks Finn for talking him into reconciling with Ms. Pillsbury - and Finn blurts out that he kissed her. Dun dun DUN! More on this drama next week.

Aforementioned boom box. Seriously, who still had one of these lying around?

Something I forgot in my previous recap - when Marley told Ryder that she knew he was planning her Valentine's Day, he kissed her. For some reason she confides in Kitty (or as I like to call her, Quinn 2.0) - so pretty soon everyone will know. Jake makes a romantic gestured copied out a movie that came out when he was an infant - "Unchained Melody" from Ghost. Marley spends half the time fantasizing about kissing Ryder, and the other half observing herself and Jake from across the room. Then she confesses, and he just walks out on her, leaving her sobbing and covered in clay. *sigh* Am I caring yet? Is this what it feels like to care about these people? Cause it feels a lot like NOT CARING AT ALL.

Up in New York, Santana is BITCH-TASTIC. Seriously, every line out of her mouth is more terrible, selfish, and hurtful than the next and I LOVE IT. Especially when she starts in on Brody (New Rachel's icky boyfriend) - from rooting around in all of their belongings, she found a pager and a wad of cash. She has drawn the conclusion that Brody is a drug dealer. Here I thought he was just a prostitute. And in a private moment (see, sometimes even bitches have tact) she corners Rachel about the pregnancy test - Rachel sobs, and they hug it out. That's cute and all, but Santana better not just be in NYC to drive What's Her Face's plot line. Don't make me go all Lima Heights all up in here!

Santana casts some EPIC side-eye. You have been warned. 

Saving the best for last... this episode contains a dream sequence with Kurt and Blaine pledging a love eternal via the duet, "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. You initially think that Blaine's dreaming about getting Kurt back, but NO! It's Kurt's dream - Santana calls him out for crying during what used to be "their song." Again with the bitch ex machina. Adam asks Kurt about it later, and he confesses that he is still in love with Blaine - hooray! Adam does not bow out gracefully, and seems intent on wooing Kurt's heart away. Hrm... Adam has not really done anything to incite my wrath (or really much at all), but I feel like I should want his hopes to die in a fiery explosion. You know, on principle. This will require further thought...

Glee three-cap

Today I will do a (heavily biased) squee-cap of the last THREE episodes of Glee. Buckle your seat belts, kiddies!

"Naked"

This episode focuses mostly on the kids of McKinley High - so I had a hard time caring. They decide to raise funds for Regionals by selling a "Boys of McKinley" calendar featuring all the fellas of the club in the altogether (with seasonal decorations covering their naughty bits, of course). Let's skip right by the part where this would NEVER be allowed in a public high school. Artie feels insecure about posing with his shirt off. Sam is still reeling from his dismal SAT scores, so he throws himself into the project - believing that his body is all he has to offer. In the end, Blaine convinces him that he's more than just pecs and, to show solidarity with Artie, Sam decides to pose fully clothed as well. Hoo-f***ing-ray. The younger kids get up to some romance hijinks via the Marley/Jake/Ryder love triangle. YAWN.

Up in New York, Rachel has an "opportunity" to star in someone else's senior thesis at NYADA. The catch - she has to do a topless scene. GROSS. Her disgusting boyfriend Brody almost has her convinced to do it, and she has a little dissociative identity disorder moment where she sings a duet with her former self. DOUBLE GROSS. Kurt calls her on her shit, telling her that New Rachel is like “slutty Barbie, asking misogynist Ken to move in with her." He calls in the Big Bitch Guns, Santana and Quinn, to convince her not to show her tatas for a freakin' STUDENT FILM. Rachel backs out at the last possible minute - of course.

"Divas" 

OK, this might be my favorite episode so far this season. In an effort to toughen up the Glee kids (and boy do they need it), Ms. Pillsbury and Finn decide to revive the Diva Off tradition made famous by Kurt and What's Her Face. Unique opens up with some STELLAR trash talk and steals the group number, "I'm A Diva" by Beyonce. Seriously, I love Unique SO MUCH. Sadly, that was the extent of her face time this episode. Whomp whomp.

Blaine proves that guys can be divas, too, by belting out Freddie Mercury's "Don't Stop Me Now." Tina is crushing on Blaine (um...what?) and ends up confessing her feelings for him while he's helping her pick out her diva song. Luckily for her, he's zonked out on cold medicine and doesn't hear her. So she applies vapor rub to his chest and cuddles him while he's sleeping. Aaaaand things just got weird. Tina decides to give up and wins the Diva Off by pouring her emotions into "Hung Up" by Madonna.

Santana makes an appearance as the "guest diva" - singing a song that is actually called "Nutbush City Limits" by Tina Turner. Nut bush. Gross. Her real intention is to break up Sam and Brittney, to which end she sings "Make No Mistake (She's Mine)" with Sam - kind of a weird "fight" song. Sue even offers to make her the next Cheerios coach. But Brittney eventually convinces her to move on with her life - so she moves on to New York City, to make the Kurt/Rachel timeline a little bit bitchier. Aww yessssss.

Speaking of What's Her Face, Kurt decides that Rachel's ego is getting out of control, and she needs to be taken down a few pegs. OMG PREACH. She ignores Kurt at school, surrounding herself with sycophantic hater gays, and allows her boyfriend to parade around the apartment naked. When Kurt confronts her, it comes out that he threw their first Diva Off (remember he didn't want to embarrass his dad by singing a "girl song") - which totally undermines Rachel's sense of self. Hooray! He then challenges her to NYADA's version of the Diva Off - Midnight Madness. They both sing "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables, and Kurt KICKS HER ASS. Well, he wins by a narrow margin. But still!

The problem is, Kurt is a good person. He feels conflicted about the win because he's been singing the Les Miserables score since he was little - the song was a random selection, it just happened to go in his favor. He then turns down the overtures of friendship from the hater gays, stands up for his new crew the Adams Apples, and makes nice with Rachel. She recognizes that she has been a f***ing nightmare, and they hug it out. Boo.

ULTRA MEGA BOMBSHELL OF THE EPISODE - Finn is helping Ms. Pillsbury with some wedding planning stuff, since Mr. Schuester is out of town. She has an OCD freak-out and, while trying to calm her down, he kisses her. WTF? TBC...

"I Do"

The long-awaited Valentine's Day wedding between Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury is finally here! And by long-awaited, I mean that I was sort of surprised it hadn't already happened. Finn tells Rachel about kissing Ms. Pillsbury, and What's Her Face immediately tries to make it about herself. Direct quote from Finn: "Not everything has to do with you." THANK YOU. They end up rekindling the old flame, but Rachel insists she is still with her douchey boyfriend Brody. Finn calls New Rachel on her "free love" liberal bullshit, to no effect.

Ms. Pillsbury has another OCD freak-out and ends up ditching the wedding. Sue walks down the aisle in a replica of her dress to tell Mr. Schuester that it's off. Was that really necessary? He's heartbroken, but lets the Glee kids use the reception as a reunion party/mating ritual.

So in hook-up news, Quinn and Santana have a one-off and Artie lands a bitchy girl who is also in a wheelchair. Ryder helps Jake with all of his Valentine's presents for Marley in a very Cyrano de Bergerac kind of way. Jake and Marley do NOT hook up, however - because that would mean that she was not the pure innocent girl that we are supposed to give two shits about. She knew that it was Ryder all along with the presents, but thinks that he's just helping Jake - doesn't realize that he loves her, even though they dated... See why I find it hard to care?

In other true-love news, Kurt and Blaine TOTES HOOK UP - Best. Wedding. Ever. They make out in the back of a car, sing the duet "I Just Can't Get Enough," slow dance together, and end up in a hotel room (bow chicka wow wow). Blaine wants Kurt back, but Kurt is hiding behind the fact that he's "seeing someone" - Adam of the Adams Apples. I haven't seen one Kurt/Adam smooch, though, so I'm a bit doubtful. Kurt also takes this opportunity to set Tina straight (no pun intended?) by telling her, "You're hagged out!" TRUTH TELLING.

Final scene: Rachel misses her period... could she be preggers? Oh wait, I DON'T CARE.

BAMF Girls Club

Today I present you with a web series that answers the age-old question - if all the bad-ass heroines from our favorite shows/movies lived in a reality-show style house, how long would it take for everyone to gang up and smother Bella in her sleep? Well, they've gotten to eight episodes so far. Fingers crossed!

Left to Right: Hermione, Katniss, Michonne, Buffy, Lisbeth and Bella

This series is brought to us by Comedivas, and so far it does not disappoint. Hermione is an insufferable know-it-all, Katniss and Michonne are battling PTSD, Buffy is a slightly ditsy 90's throw-back, Lisbeth is a complete misanthrope, and Bella is utterly useless. And there are plenty of homoerotic overtones... if you're into that kind of thing. *shifty eyes*

Buffy tries to set up Hermione with Willow... hijinks ensue!

It's difficult to integrate characters from such disparate fandoms while retaining each character's distinctive voice. Comedivas does this pretty flawlessly, though Twi-hards will be disappointed that Bella is such an overblown caricature. The rest of us will just find this hilarious. Check out the first 5-minute episode on the Comedivas YouTube channel: BAMF Girls Club Episode One.

White Collar Three-Cap

Here's quick recap of the three episodes of White Collar's winter season.

We open just after the shocking (not really shocking) reveal that Sam is ACTUALLY Neal's father, James. He explains that he got caught skimming money from a drug bust, and his corrupt CO blackmailed him into working for the Flynn crime family. Anyway, he finally got sick of lying to his partner, Ellen, and decided to come clean. Before he could do that, however, higher-up corrupt cops threatened his family and forced him to confess to a cop killing that he didn't commit.

But he did it for his family!

What's a poor con-artist to do? Revenge, obviously. The Flynn scion, Dennis Jr. (hahahaha, really?!?), is trying to revive the family by getting back into bootlegging. And since alcohol is not illegal anymore, he has to make it illegal by counterfeiting top shelf whiskey. Enter Neal, posing as a whiskey counterfeiter - he infiltrates the gang and finds the gun that the elder Flynn used to frame his father. Which they kept for... nostalgia? Right... Anyway, Neal tells James/Sam to take a hike while he and Peter sort this whole thing out.

There's only room for one father figure in this series...

AND THEN Dennis Jr. (pfft) gets shivved during a prisoner transfer arranged by one Senator Terrance Pratt (okay, are you KIDDING me with these names?). Looks like old Terry was one of the corrupt cops that framed James, and now he's trying to tie up loose ends. The team finds out that he's invovled in some quid pro quo with a building contractor - the builder donates to his campaign and he helps him get lucrative contracts. Neal goes in as an architect and they get enough evidence to try to flip the builder Pratt... without success. And the team's chief, Hughes, gets canned for trying to go after the Senator. Meanwhile, the builder decides to take out Peter by cutting the brakes on his car! Peter's wife Elizabeth tells Neal to leave Peter and his career out of this James/Sam/revenge business. Finally, a "good" reason for Neal to lie to Peter.

Hm, I think I'll guilt trip my FBI-agent husband's
best frenemy into lying to him. This'll go well.

When Neal gets the key from Ellen's personal effects, he discovers the key to the evidence box she spoke of in her If You're Watching This I'm Dead video (classic). Peter assigns Jones to help Mozzie with the key - yeah, that's gonna work out well. Mozzie gives Jones the slip, but not before he gets a copy of the key. So it's Mozzie and Neal versus Jones and Peter in the race to the evidence box! First step - the key isn't a key, it's a guide - the teeth of the key form a city scape.

This show is whimsical as shit. 

I think this one's mostly filler... last week's episode had Neal and Diana infiltrating the Cotton Club, a retro jazz joint run by a pair of brothers, one of whom is dealing in fake taxi cab registrations. The team relied heavily on Elizabeth and Neal's landlady June in this scheme. Which... isn't that, I don't know, against every protocol in the FBI handbook? Neal and Mozzie find the cityscape that matches the key - the vantage point is a place Neal used to visit while on the run from Peter - and the teeth of the key cover everything EXCEPT the Empire State Building. Of course Peter and Jones are right behind them using the tracking software in Neal's anklet.

C'mon, Neal, how did you not see this coming?

Who will find the evidence box first? And will Peter forgive Neal for lying to him (yet again)? How about Elizabeth, for asking him to lie? Also, whatever happened to Diana's girlfriend, Christie - why can't she be endangered inappropriately, like the rest of the civilians?

She's a even doctor, that could totally be useful.

Sri's Glee Squee-cap: Yay Kurt!

There was a lot going on in tonight's episode of Glee, so I broke it down into categories - New York, Romance, and Story Arc (i.e. actual plot). The best stuff is the Kurt stuff, so let's start there!

New York: It's Kurt's first week at NYADA, and he's finding that college can be a cliquey as high school. Rachel (bitch) has abandoned him to spend time with her new boyfriend, Brody, so he decides to look into extracirriculars to meet some new friends. He's interested in the NYADA show choir, the Adam's Apples, but Rachel (bitch) warns him that it would be "career suicide." OK, suddenly show choir isn't cool enough for you? Enter Adam, the hot British founder of the group, who starts courting Kurt - for the choir, or for more...? AND THEN they sing the Jonathan Coulton version of "Baby Got Back," and I about crawl into my TV to join the group myself. Kurt gathers his courage and asks Adam out, and he says yes! Rachel (bitch) and Brody have a fight and make up or something, blah blah blah who cares. 

On one hand, I would love to see Kurt and Blaine get back together.
On the other hand... this is Adam. RAWR. 

Romance: Tina is crushing on Blaine (yes, you read that right) and suggests the student council put on a Sadie Hawkins dance so she can ask him out. Finn uses the opportunity to have the Glee girls sing for their dates - but Blaine rejects her in front of the entire club. Humiliating for her, but Unique throws some EPIC side-eye, so I'm kind of OK with it. Blaine eventually confesses that he is crushing on Sam, and they bond over wanting someone they'll never have. They go to the dance together in the end, and Tina falls hard. This should serve as a cautionary tale, children - Don't be a Fag Hag. Be an Alternative Lifestyle Enthusiast.  

Did you learn NOTHING from the Mercedes/Kurt fiasco in Season One?

Kitty tries to lure Jake away from Marley with a blatant come-on, and her obvious villany makes me long for the days of Quinn's more subtle sabotoge. Puck intervenes, telling her to back off since Jake is - for once - trying to do the right thing. For all her faults, Kitty does have some killer lines: "I don't like Jake. I'm a mean, hot bitch who likes to get what she wants." So she decides to go to the dance/have sex with Puck instead. They do have a touching moment on the dance floor where she encourages him in his screen writing. Is this going to be an actual thing? 

Story Arc: Sam suspects the Warblers are on steroids - they've gained 10 lbs of muscle and are raging over Splenda in their lattes at Starbucks. The dyanmic duo discover that Trent, the missing "sunshine" of the group, refused the juice and was summarily dismissed. Will Finn and the guys convince him to testify against the Warblers, thus disqualifying them from Regionals and give the New Directions another chance?!? Of course they will. 

Hello, my name is Trent and I'll be your dues ex machina for the evening. 

Other Notes: Not enough Unique, either in the plot lines OR in the musical numbers. It was a SADIE HAWKINS dance, which is supposed to be about reversing gender roles, and you leave your one trans character on the bench? Poor form, Glee, poor form. Also, the return of Lauren Zizes! Please, please come back - and bring the thuggery.

Merlin Recap Season 7 Episode 2

We rejoin the story with Morgana having another vision - of herself in chains, imprisoned with her pet white dragon at the bottom of a well. Kinky. Merlin and Arthur are still in the clutches of Mordred and Morgana's minions. Strangely enough, Mordred seems to be showing them mercy. This makes Merlin question if he really is Arthur's Bane, after all.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath Castle Ismere, the creepy alien thingy watches Gwaine sleep. It tells him that he is worthy of its help, and that its kind used to be revered by humans. Now, they have been hunted to near extinction - the creature claims to be the last of the species. 

Back in Camelot, the traitor Sefa begs Queen Guinevere for forgiveness and a reprieve from the gallows. REQUEST DENIED. As Sefa is dragged sobbing from the room Gaius is like, "damn that's some stone-cold shit." And Guinevere is like, "relax, son, I got this." Apparently she's using Sefa as bait to lure out her father, the treacherous sorcerer Ruadan. Amazeballs. 

Bitch has it coming.

Arthur and Merlin escape, naturally, and make a break for it. Arthur has a chance to kill Mordred with a crossbow - and doesn't take the shot. *eye roll* They head towards Ismere, crawling into the castle through the... trash chute? Do castles have trash chutes? Anyway, they manage to evade Morgana's Saxon henchmen and sneak into the caves to rally the knights. They arm Percival, who immediately starts kicking Saxon ass and taking Saxon swords. Shirtless. Awwww yesssss. Arthur and Merlin go deeper into the caverns to find Gwaine. 

Shockingly, Ruadan sneaks back in to Camelot to save his daughter - Queenie's gamble paid off! Elyan wounds Ruadan, but they escape with the help of magic. He uses the last of his strength to send a note off via crow - to Morgana (obviously). Aaaaand I'm sure now Camelot has another enemy in Sefa, who manages to slip away before the knights find her. Morgana knows Arthur didn't return to Camelot and is still making his way towards her.

Gaius and Guinevere loot Ruadan's corpse - and find a druid prayer for "victory over the enemy of the old religion." Druids think of Arthur as another Uther, and believe he will die by a druid's hand. Perhaps Ruadan thought he was that man - whoops.

When Morgana sees Mordred, she looks like she's surprised to see him. He tells her that they had Arthur, but he got away, and she has a completely rationale response. "I WANT HIS HEAD ON A PIKE, TO WATCH THE CROWS FEAST ON HIS EYES!" Mordred is like, "uh, you... you've got a little bit of froth on your lip, milady - just there." And then the warning bells ring, probably because Percival is beheading Saxons left and right and using their skulls for bongo drums. 

CRAZY EYES.

Arthur and Merlin find Gwaine, who says goodbye to his little alien friend. And then - WHITE DRAGON ATTACK! Merlin peels off to deal with the dragon, and Arthur follows. Is Arthur going to find out that Merlin is a dragon lord??? Of course not. But we find out that the poor thing can't speak. 

While he's looking for Merlin, Arthur runs into Morgana and Mordred! Just when Morgana has the dynamic duo at her mercy, Mordred stabs her in the back - literally. WHAAAA? Then he takes Arthur (only) back to his men. Double WHAAAA?

The alien thingy heals Merlin, recognizing him as Emrys, and we find out that it is the key to all knowledge, the Diamair (duh). Merlin asks it one question - who is Arthur's Bane? The alien answers, "himself." Apparently he is the key to all existential angst, too. 

Final scenes: Arthur knights Mordred, continuing to demonstrate that he is a stunningly bad judge of character. Merlin gives him the old, "I'm watching you..." spiel. Later he confides in Gaius, "Albion's great trial has begun."

This will only end in tears.

And in the wastelands to the north, Morgana stumbles out into the snow accompanied by her pet dragon. Seriously, people, have you never heard of the double tap? Next time, MAKE SURE SHE'S DEAD. 

Merlin Premiere Recap

Three years have past since Arthur defeated his half-sister Morgana and proved he was the rightful King of Camelot. Life in the kingdom has been peaceful, until Gawain and Percival (along with a contingent of knights) disappear on a mission to the North. We find that they have run afoul of Morgana, who has occupied Fortress Ismere and is searching from a mysterious artifact - a key to all knowledge. She puts the knights to work, digging through the caverns beneath the fortress in search of the artifact.

Did I mention they were shirtless? Huzzah for fangirl service! 

Arthur leads the rescue mission, taking Guinevere's suggestion to approach Ismere from the West in order to take Morgana by surprise. On the way they come across some villagers slaughtered by Morgana's troops - including a dying druid seer, who tells Merlin of Arthur's fate to be killed by a familiar-looking young man in the midst of a great battle. Merlin is terrified by this prophecy, and consults with the great dragon Kilgharrah to see how he can advert it - but Kilgharrah is not able to tell Merlin what he must do.

K: "Need me to destroy your enemies by breathing on them?" 

M: "Nah, I'll stick with the whole 'running for my life' thing I got going." 

However! It seems that Guinevere's maid is a traitor - she spills the plan to her father, Ruadan, a sorcerer who is in league with Morgana. Arthur's troops are ambushed and Ruadan knocks Arthur out cold. Merlin, fearing for Arthur's life ever since he heart the prophecy, drags Arthur away and the rest of the knights are captured. Meanwhile, in the caverns beneath Fortress Ismere, Gawain follows a mysterious light and meets with a strange magical creature - could it have something to do with the artifact Morgana seeks? Back in Camelot, Guinevere discovers her maid's betrayal and sentences her to death.

DAMN. Queenie don't play. 

Merlin tries to get Arthur to head back to Camelot, but he won't abandon his men. Neither will Merlin abandon Arthur - and so, in the end, they are both captured by Morgana's troops. And who should be with them but Arthur's bane, who identifies himself as Mordred. Dun dun DUNNN!

Some huddling for warmth may have happened. But what happens in the forest STAYS in the forest. 

Alphas gets an A

Do you all remember how excited we were during the first season of Heroes? Finally we were getting a fresh, contemporary take on the superhero's journey. As expected, we started with our heroes discovering their powers, setting off various chains of events that all converged in an epic boss battle. At the end, the heroes were collected together for the first time - IMHO, the obvious next step was for them to form a superhero team. This would allow them to explore their super-powered nature as an identity - one person with powers might be a fluke, two people might be a coincidence, but twenty, thirty, one hundred people? That's a subculture. Sadly, instead of moving these characters forward, the creative team of Heroes decided to hit a giant "reset" button and scatter the heroes to the wind. This is part of why the series fizzled, but not before churning out two more seasons of diminishing quality. 

From Heroes to Zeroes.

Weep no more, my fellow Heroes fans - SyFy's Alphas is here to save the day. This show picks up where Heroes dropped the ball. It focuses on a group of super-powered people (known as Alphas) who have been recruited by the government to form a task force that investigates crimes perpetuated by similarly super-powered individuals. Their leader is actually a non-Alpha who also serves as a psychiatrist, and the team doubles as a support group. This is an elegant little set-up - we have the perfect structure within which to explore these people's superpowers, their basic humanity, and how the two an play against each other. 

Alphas also does something that Heroes never did - it imposes limits on particular powers, by trying to make them fit within known biological frameworks. Often it's a bit of a psuedo-scientific stretch, but it's interesting nonetheless. More importantly, it means that there are significant downsides to various powers. My favorite character is a man who can see electronic signals and other sonic wavelengths, who also has high-functioning autism. It doesn't hurt that he's played by one of my favorite Bones alums, Ryan Cartwright (aka Vincent Nigel-Murray). The first season also had a couple of cameos from sci-fi standard bearers/fan favorites Summer Glau and Brent Spiner - squee! 

The internet scuttlebutt is that Alphas has about a 50/50 shot at renewal, and that the actors will be told by Thanksgiving. In light of this, I urge all you Heroes fans to check out this series - TiVo it, rent it, buy it, watch it TODAY. The entirety of the first season is available on Netflix Instant Watch, and five episodes from the second season are available on SyFy Rewind. And keep your fingers crossed for good news later this month! 

Non-squee Glee

I think it comes as no surprise that I really want to like Glee. It should also come as no surprise that this is not always easy - when you profess to be a fan of this show, people enjoy looking down their noses at you. As if an opinion can be wrong. The fact is, I'm not a music purist so I don't mind if someone remakes a song. And while I do watch some television shows with a critical eye, I have chosen not to do so with this particular show. Glee is never going to be 'critically acclaimed' - the best it can hope for is 'fan favorite.'

As a fan of the show, therefore, I feel like a traitor for saying that this season so far has definitely not been a favorite. With many of the characters (Kurt, Mercedes, Santana, Puck, etc) graduating, the creative team was faced with a choice. Do they follow the post-graduation life of their most popular characters (Kurt and what's-her-name) OR create new characters for us to fall in love with? Unfortunately, they decided to do both - with fairly disastrous results. 

Storyline number one involves the new students back at McKinley, including a love story between the Rachel stand-in and the Puck stand-in that is already boring me. The one saving grace of the McKinley storyline is Unique, the transgender transfer student from Vocal Adrenaline. If Kurt and Mercedes invented a time machine and had a child 15 years ago, Unique would be this FABULOUS offspring. 

Speaking of Kurt, storyline number two involves the adventures of Kurt and the short brunette in New York City. I'm sure that the plot around the Jewish girl is actually quite fascinating, but every time she comes on the screen I have a micro-seizure. To be honest, this could probably be a show unto itself. As much as I hate to admit it, Glee should probably have ended when this generation graduated, and Kurt and so-and-so should have gotten a spin-off series.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not jumping on the Glee-hate bandwagon. I will still watch the show, still love the characters I love and still love to hate the characters I hate. Besides, JANE MOTHERLOVIN' LYNCH. Need I say more?

New episode of Glee airs this Thursday, 9pm on FOX. 

The New Normal

Or, Kurt and Blaine Have A Baby.

The basic premise of The New Normal reads like my wish list for a TV show. Gays? Check. The horrors joys of pregnancy? Check. Quirky kid? Check. Snarky yet heartwarming? Double and triple check!

The show stars Justin Bartha (National Treasure, The Hangover) and Andrew Rannells (who has done a ton of voice acting and appeared in Girls... but no one's perfect) as a gay couple who decide to have a baby. They meet a young woman, played by Georgia King (I recognized her from an appearance on Merlin), who is trying to turn her life around. She agrees to be their surrogate, they agree to pay her a ridiculous amount of money, and they plan to conceive via in-vitro fertilization using a donor egg. It's your typically boy-meets-boy, boys-impregnate-girl-via-invasive-medical-procedure, wackiness-ensues story.

Rounding out the cast is the surrogate's frankly weird daughter and horrible grandmother, as well as one of the guys' personal assistant/sassy black friend. Is it me, or does it look like Nene Leakes was photo-shopped into most of the promo pics? It makes me wonder if she was a last-minute addition to the cast. Like they were almost ready to launch before they realized that they didn't have a single person of color in the show. Not to belittle Ms. Leakes, who is hilarious and immediately steals any scene she appears in (as she did in Glee). It's just that... for a show that's attempting to redefine The American Family, an almost all-white cast kind of feels like an odd choice. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I do like what I've seen so far - the characters are interesting, and the writing seems to be insightful enough to go beyond stereotypes. Only time will tell, I suppose, if this show lives up to it's potential. If not, we can always get our "this baby has two daddies" fix from Modern Family.