Everybody Bleeds

So, this week's episode of True Blood was bloody for sure. Pretty much every character bleeds either literally or emotionally all over the place. And, I don't know, stuff happened, but man it just felt like it was a big old mess, you know? With only one more episode, there's not a lot of clarity about what happens next. We'll see next week, but in the meantime, here you go.

TL;DR: Ben's not quite dead yet, but he's going to be recuperating in that faerie land for a while. Meanwhile, Sookie and the rest of the townsfolk have to get to Terry's funeral, which is honestly heartbreaking and a bit of a real-world relief to watch next to all the supernatural soap-y-ness happening in the vampire plotline. Bill and Eric each make it to the camp to liberate the vampires, Eric through extreme violence, Bill through inoculating them so that they are invulnerable to the sun. Everyone gets high at the end.

Recap: ZOMG you guys! Ben is totes dying in Sookie’s arms and Bill is all like, whatevs – I need his blood now, whatever he’s got left kthanx. And then Sookie actually bites open her own wrist to feed Ben back to health. Remember when this show pretended to try to be sort of real and grounded? Bill wants to charge into battle but Sookie points out that Eric has more of Ben’s blood in him right now than Ben does, so good luck with that, VampireJesus, and let’s just Faerie Light you back to the real world while we stay here, what say we?

Yup. Totally grounded.

Arlene attends Terry’s funeral, black veil and all. Remember how she wanted the black preacher? Guess who’s the preacher’s wife is. It’s totally Tara’s mother, the now reformed former alcoholic who used to rip Tara apart on the daily and then claim she only did it because she had a demon in her. Again, back when the show was grounded.  Sookie, meanwhile, wants to get to this funeral but promises Ben that she’ll be back and still intends to go through with the whole eternal bride thing. She teleports right into the funeral, which you would think would have made a bigger splash, but no one really even notices except for one old biddy who refers to Sookie as “the Stackhouse girl – the weird one.”

Sookie takes her place with the other mourners and happens to be seated next to Mrs. Fortenberry, mother of Hoyt, everyone’s favorite Woobie character who we had to write off the show last year. Hoyt’s doing well since leaving town for Alaska, got a girlfriend and everything. Again, remember, only like a week has passed in this show’s timeline. Hoyt moves quickly. Alcide shows up as well, showing how nothing brings the town of Bon Temps together like a funeral.

Eric is taking advantage of his newly sunlight-enabled Faerie blood-enfused lifestyle to attack VampCamp in the middle of the day. By the time Bill arrives, there’s just the usual - Blood, carnage, lots of body parts. Eric is inside the camp using the gnawned off hand of some prison guard to open all the secure doors before finding the scientist who killed Nora and literally ripping the man’s genitals from his body and throwing them to the floor because Eric is kind of a boss when it comes to vengeance torture. Must be because he’s Scandinavian. (And yes, we see the entire thing, including the removed components. Because why not go big at this stage in the season, really?) Eric goes about freeing vampires and starts to find ones who have drank the infected True Blood and are becoming ill.

Bill is hot on Eric’s trail and finds the now dickless scientist begging for death. Bill asks if the scientist ever did anything to hurt Jessica while she was in here. When he honestly says yes, Bill obliges his wish to die. By crushing his face with his boot. Again, we see everything.

I don't know, you guys. I just feel like I'm not even fazed by the carnage anymore. Does Pat Robertson have something that he could say about that on Fox News sometime?

At the funeral, Andy delivers an honestly moving eulogy about how shattered and hurt Terry was when he first returned from the war.  Sam recalls how it was that he came to hire Terry to work at the bar, being impressed by how sensitive he was to people around him, even with the damage done to him. Lafayette (wearing a sweet suit with fake eyelashes because he’s Lafayette) recalled working with Terry and feeling like he could see Terry wearing his soul on his sleeve and taught him how to deep dry things in the kitchen with style. Sookie gets up to speak, which would seem out of place, but is honestly kind of sweet because she could hear Arlene’s thoughts about how she wasn’t ready to speak herself. She tells everyone that she remembers how the first thing Terry thought when he saw Arlene at work was that he loved her already. (This, btw, is told in flashback, marking the first time this season we see Sookie at work. And it’s the second to last episode. And it’s from the past. So, yeah, there’s that. But it’s honestly a really beautiful moment.)

Bill makes his way through the VampCamp to see that the fang is in the other mouth now as the vampires are making the humans go through the same “experiments” that they were subjected to. Eric, meanwhile, discovers Jason having been the ongoing buffet for a room of female vampires. Jason’s looking more than a little drained (rimshot!), Eric feeds him his blood. “When you dream of me,” Eric tells him, “Dream of nice things.”

Well, this got homoerotic quickly.

Jason’s up and moving and leading Eric through the Camp, unaware that Sarah Newlin has been hiding from the carnage under some slaughtered bodies.  Eric discovers Pam’s shrink being cornered by a few vamps. Eric menaces him a bit but the shrink seems actually not very bothered and that he’s going to die a happy man after fucking Pam. Eric is visibly riled and drags the shrink off to help them find Pam. On the way, a woman screams in the distance. “I know that scream,” Eric muses and finds who else but Ginger held in one of the rooms.

Sarah Newlin meanwhile recites the Bible and climbs the steps to the top of a building in the Camp and opens the ceiling, revealing the white room below where Jessica, Pam, Tara, Willa and the other vampires have been huddled into in order to be exposed to the sunlight, just like in Bill’s vision. Bill, however, has gotten there in the nick of time and allows them all to feed off him, giving them the ability to survive in the sunlight.

And to think, all this time you thought I was being over the top about the VampireJesus stuff.

Hilariously, the only vampire that can’t reach Bill to feed is Steve Newlin. Eric finds them all in the room and holds Steve into the sunlight. As Sarah looks down from above (and yelling “Die, Fuckers!”), she’s shocked to see everyone doing just fine, except for Steve. Steve sees her as he begins to burn and makes his final confession. “I love you…” he says looking directly at Sarah. “…Jason Stackhouse!” he finishes. The best part of this is honestly Jason’s “WTF?” reaction, btw. Oh Jason. You never were that bright, were you?

The vamps are saved, but also high as kites from all the faerie-tainted blood in them. Eric finds Pam. “I saved you the therapist,” he tells her. “You take such good care of me,” she purrs before rushing to kill the therapist.  The other vampires trip out, dance with each other and honest to God play ring around the rosey with Steve’s bloody remains. Viola spends a particular amount of time cradling Bill, who starts to see visions of Lilith that whisper a shush to him.

Back at the funeral, it’s finally time for Arlene to say her last words. She breaks down, remembering the first night that their son was born and how much she wanted to fall apart but Terry kept her together. As the funeral is about to wind down, Big John Dixon, a character that we've literally never seen before and only just started to hear about in passing a few episodes ago who is also a cook at the restaurant and can totally sing OMG THAT'S SO CONVIENT, arrives to sing a song called “Life Matters” for Terry. It’s a little out of place and really only serves to provide the mood music for the scene that runs concurrently with it below, but what the hey. Big John has a beautiful voice. Even a distraught Arlene admits, “That was the shit.”

 At VampireWoodstock, Pam gets down to business. “Have we killed everyone who needs killing yet?” she asks. Jason realizes that the only human left (aside from him and the still tricked out and occasionally screaming Ginger) is Sarah Newlin herself. Sarah tries to run for it, but he gets to her before the vampires do.  Sarah tries to tell Jason that she’s doing God’s work. Jason wrestles her gun from her and tries to bring himself to shoot her, but isn’t able to do it, saying he doesn’t want anymore blood on his hands.

Say it with me, Clue fans: "Too late!"

Eric leads the vamps around the camp in the sun and they begin to smash the infected True Blood. Meanwhile, in Honolulu (wait, what?), crates are being unloaded only to be instantly taken by local, fun-loving Hawaiian vampires. Um. I guess Hawaii is a thing in this show now?

Back in the white room, Lilith tells Bill that his time on earth is over, but he insists that he’s not going anywhere. He calls Jessica to him. When she and James arrive, they can see him talking to someone, but can’t see Lilith. Jessica literally walks through Lilith to get to him. As Lilith moves closer, James tries to get Bill to drink from him, theorizing that maybe it will save him.

The funeral ends with the 21-gun salute, taps and the marines presenting Arlene with the folded flag from Terry’s casket. Sad Panda.

Jessica and James leave the vampire camp, followed by a restored Bill who walks among the rest of the vamps like a messiah. Pam looks for Eric, finally seeing him off in the distance and not joining the rest of the crowd. “Don’t you dare leave me,” she whispers as Eric flies away. 

I See Dead People

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single family in possession of their dream home must be pestered by a ghost. Or a demon. Or a vampire. Or a brooding vampire. Or two brooding vampires taped together to make one super-emo vampire. Or some other such creature from the Buffyverse.

Seriously. Someone should have given these two a spin-off. Oh, wait.

I am a slut for paranormal TV shows, and there has been a significant dearth in decent ones since shows of the ilk of Ghost Adventures (which, to my experience, features neither ghosts nor adventures) started taking to the airwaves. Not that that format doesn't have its merits, but I'm always perplexed why individuals who are that frightened of anything that might be a ghost would choose to enter a career as a ghost hunter.

"We suddenly came upon some weird guy wandering around and looking for signs of paranormal activity."

If your desire for chills and thrills extends further than watching idiots running around the dark screaming expletives every time they hear a board creak, then I must direct your attention to Syfy's Paranormal Witness. I happened upon this show On Demand during a weekend of being so far in the depths of laziness that I physically could not get off the couch. Then I found season 1 on Netflix, and I was a happy panda.

The show follows a basic format of witness interviews, interspersed with actor portrayals of the narrated events. I don't know how easily you all scare, but some of the reenactments and stories are legitimately scary. I have been known to scream out loud and then giggle nervously afterward. Or maybe I'm just a wimp.

 Stop me if you've heard this one: One day, I was playing with a Ouija board and oops. Out popped this demon

Unlike on a lot of shows of this nature, the production values are pretty high. The special effects and make-up are quite well done. The cinematography is great at creating that just right creepy mood. The show has a good balance of being suspenseful and creepy without becoming over-the-top and corny.

Poor dear. She's still not over the War of Northern Aggression.

In case you have already bought your dream home -- or possibly that cute little fixer-upper in the Hudson Valley -- and are already being plagued by a proverbial clown car of demons and ghosts, I have compiled a list of helpful household hints.

General tips:

1. Don't bring a gun to a ghost fight.

2.  If you see a demon in your home, call a Catholic priest. Stat.

3. Do not buy your dream home. Like. Ever.

4. For that matter, do not buy a house. Period.

5. Or a classic car.

6.  If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you do and there is nothing there, TRUST ME, 

THERE IS SOMETHING THERE.

7. When in doubt, move out.

8.  It's just going to get worse.

9.  If your child has an imaginary friend...

10. Believe.

Paranormal Witness is available on Syfy On Demand. Season 1 is available through Netflix. New episodes air Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

"I'm telling you. If I have to explain this concept to the Hufflepuffs one more time, I am calling my union rep."

What If God Was (A Vampire Like) One Of Us?

Hi All - A little delayed, but here's the recap for last week's episode of True Blood, "The Sun."

TL;DR:  Surprise! The guy we thought was Warlow is actually the Stackhouse pater familias who tells Sookie she can kill every vampire at the price of her faerie-tude. The Governor has a few technological tricks up his sleeve including silver-UV bullets, glamour-resistant contacts and a sense of the dramatic. Sookie meets yet another handsome wounded man who is half-faerie. Eric has a plan involving the Governor's daughter. Bill has a Lilith-acid trip and learns that he is JesusVampire and can see the future and we're ALL GOING TO DIE!


FULL STORY: While Sookie sleeps and the magic fairy contract glows, a monster or possibly Odin from the Neil Gaiman universe rips open a tear in the fabric of space and time and forces himself into our world. NotOdin bears his vampiric teeth and vanishes into the night. I would kind of love this show forever if it turns out he’s just popping around to our world because whatever hell dimension he is from just doesn’t have twinkies or something and he’s really got a craving.

"In the event of inter-dimensional invasion, the secondary party as described by the blood oath in section 2, paragraph 1, shall be entitled to full compensation via faerie orgy party."

Warlow stops Jason from crashing the car into a tree with magic laser blasts out of his hands. Since the only reason the car was crashing to begin with is that Warlow, who was driving, vanished out of it, seems like there was an easier solution. The laser blasts are at least quickly explained – Rutger Hauer is actually not Warlow (joke’s on us) – he’s Jason’s Fairy Grandfather. Oh True Blood. I really do love you sometimes for the things you let me write. Anyway, the reason he convinces Jason he is who he says he is by telling him he knows about the “juicy porn” that Jason keeps stashed under the bed. He cooked up the hitchhiker opportunity to test Jason’s ability to defend himself against Warlow – and Jason has failed. In fairness, if Grandpa has been watching Jason for years, the news that Jason can’t trust people or keep his mouth shut when big things are afoot really shouldn’t have needed any more proving. Grandpa tells Jason that something big is coming and neither he nor Sookie is ready.

At Fangtasia, Tara is in pain after being shot by the National Guard and she isn’t healing. Eric and Nora figure out that the bullet is made of silver and emitting UV light. The Governor’s folk have been watching a lot of Underworld, apparently. Nora admits that the Vampire Authority was talking about humans developing new weapons. Eric says he isn’t scared, but Pam points out that “there’s more of them than us, maybe we should be scared.”

At Bill’s house, Jessica wakes up to Bill screaming downstairs. He is manic, insisting that he can feel all the vampires’ pain, everywhere, and has visions of vampires being harmed in different ways including one who is being chained and dragged behind a car. (Subtle, True Blood.) Bill goes into a kind of trance where he sees himself being led by three naked and bloodied women through a field to a woman who appears to be Lilith, who tells Bill that events have been set in motion. A Tide Is Rising. It Is The Beginning of the End. Etc, etc. Jeez, even vampires’ prophetic dreams are cryptic. Lilith tells Bill he’s not a God, although one day people may worship him as one. (Foreshadowing!) There is only one God, and He created Lilith as a Vampire and Adam and Eve as humans. Theological differences aside, Bill must complete Lilith’s “work”. Just when we might find out what that is, Jessica manages to snap Bill out of the trance, saying she’s ordered delivery for him.

 From the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog in Hell.

Sookie wakes to a phone call from Arlene who is upset that Sookie (again) has not shown up for work. Terry and Arlene notice that one of the pregnant women who has just entered the very busy Merlotte’s bar is the wife of Patrick, Terry’s old army buddy from last season. The wife demands to know what happened to Patrick, assuming he left her for another girl. Loveable Oaf Terry wants to tell her the truth – that he was implicit in the summoning of an Ifrit that almost consumed everyone from their unit in Iraq but Terry killed Patrick thus allowing the Ifrit to resolve its bloodcurse without further destruction, but Sensible Human Arlene steps in, telling her that yes, sweetheart, he left you. Men, right? Ice cream? It’s Death By Chocolate!

Sookie hauls herself to work for once and passes a potential love interest strange man in the bayou groaning. “Not today. I have a real job,” Sookie hilariously tells herself before giving in and checking on the man. The thing is, no one on this show ever just has a stomach ache, so I honestly can understand her logic that a groaning or wounded man on the side of the street is certain to be a supernatural entity that will probably look amazing with his shirt off and that’s just not the distraction she needs right now. The man says a vampire attached her, but she hears his thoughts that it was for his blood. Sookie asks him telepathically if he’s a faerie, to which he responds that he’s a halfblood, like her. She drags him back home (Again, Sookie gets out of going to work. How does she afford her house?) as he tells her that she reminds him of the first girl he ever fell in love with, but she's nicer.

There's only so much Meet Cute FLOTUS can take.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene seats a collection of cool kids who have arrived to be ironic in places you’ve never heard of. One wants to know if the food is organic. “This is Bon Temps,” Arlene tells them. “Around here, that means you play the piano in church.” Meanwhile, Sam checks in with Lafeyette who is watching little Whatshername by allowing her to play dress up tea party with him.

Whatshername literally could not have picked a better person in Bon Temps for this job. 

One of the hipsters asks for Sam by name, saying she knows he’s a shifter and she’d like to start a dialogue between humans and supernaturals and she knows he’s been targeted by hate groups. The girl, Nicole, is the founder of the Vampire Unity Society and she wants Sam to “come out” and tell his story to the world because politicians are forcing them to stay hidden. She’s basically like a one-woman ACT UP intern who’s probably just graduated from Berkley and wants to live in an environmentally friendly co-op and refer to people as “the Movement.” Nicole admits that her mixed-race grandparents were Freedom Riders and, once again, True Blood does not miss an opportunity to tell us how much it thinks subtlety is a thing for pansies.

At Bill’s, the delivery service has arrived. Delivery is a platinum blonde woman named Veronica who works for a service called “Human Edibles” (Honest tagling: “We’re Tasty!”). I honestly really like this idea – they’re basically prostitutes for vampires who need blood instead of sex. Now I’m honestly wondering if the folk who work for this service are viewed differently from other prostitutes in this reality. Leave it to me to think of the socio-political implications of an easily telegraphed joke. I’m here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway,  Veronica isn’t exactly tickled by letting Bill, who is unresponsive, feed off her and tries to leave when her body begins to contort suddenly and she’s pulled back in front of Bill. Veronica begins to hemorrhage from her mouth, the blood pouring out from her and floating directly into Bill’s until she’s nothing more than a husk.  

Sookie is nursing the latest mysteriously attractive man (this one’s named Ben) to pass out on her couch when she notices that touching him causes her faerie light powers to act up. She confesses that she has wanted to get rid of her light, wishing to be normal. He agrees and offers folksy wisdom about things not turning out how we want before getting up to leave. Sookie tells him about the faerie sanctuary near town where he may be able to be safe.

Speaking of which, Andy Bellfleur is bringing his rapidly aging quintuplets to the field where the sanctuary is yelling for Mirella, the mother, to take them back. Given that he’s yelling this in front of his kids and the girls are still giddily running literal circles around him without feeling at least a little hurt by their father’s intense desire to be rid of them, faeries must have a pathological inability to recognize reality.

Jason has brought Grandpa to Sookie’s house to show her where Warlow attempted to break into our world in Sookie’s bathroom at the end of last season. Grandpa finds the portal and leaps through it to see if Warlow succeeded, returning seconds later covered in slime. “Well, that was worse than I thought,” he deadpans.

Ben walks with Sookie to the Faerie Field, dropping like his twentieth hint that he’s had something really bad in his past, but Sookie’s not picking up on it. See above, re: faeries and their inability to recognize things. Sookie is more interested in dissuading Ben from any kind of romantic interest. “I shouldn’t be taking walks with handsome strangers,” she tells him. “That never ends well.” Ben overhears Sookie’s thoughts about Bill and asks about him. Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh Sookie? She demurs but tells Ben how to find the faerie sanctuary.

 "The fact that you're telling me up front about your supernatural abilities is frankly 80% of the attraction."

Nora is scouring the Vampire Bible for references to Lilith and Bill. Pam snarks her, as is Pam’s wont, but Nora realizes that a passage may have been mistranslated and wants to investigate. Nora tells Pam that Eric loves her and is proud of her and the reason he never told her about Nora is because it would have put Pam in danger if the Authority connected the three of them.

At the Governor’s mansion, aides are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out this vampire thing. Again, possibly they shouldn’t be doing this at night, but whatevs. The Governor’s daughter, recent Tulane grad, wants to go out drinking with the staff rather than stay at work, but Gov says no. She instead sees in the Gov’s next appointment, which happens to be Eric, who has put on nerd glasses and a bad haircut and is pretending to be human from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

"Golly, Miss Lane - I don't know how it is that I keep just missing Superman."

Eric chats up the Gov, applauding his vision on the vampire front after the Gov tells him about a vampire attack on a Chuck E Cheese. (Me: heh. Awesome.) Eric carries on a double-entrendre laden conversation about how the Whooping Crane is just trying to survive and that maybe the Gov shouldn’t make things worse for them because a Whooping Crane will rip your fucking throat out while you sleep. Oops, a step too far, Eric. Eric attempts to glamour the Gov into reversing his course of action, informing him that he now loves all vampires, but it MASSIVELY doesn’t work thanks to the Gov’s special contact lenses that protect him. The humans have more than just the silver-UV bullets up their sleeves, apparently. The Gov thanks Eric for gift-wrapping the political excuses he needs to look like a hero to the state and orders Eric taken to “the camp.” He’s marched outside before being all “hell with this” and flying away before the guards can do anything.

Sookie arrives home to find Jason who introduces her to Grandpa, saying he’s hunting down Warlow, just like Boba Fett. Grandpa assures Jason he’s not from “outer space” like Jason thinks but that Warlow has definitely made it into this reality. Apparently Sookie’s actions last season with the faeries created the energies that have let Warlow get through. Grandpa tells them that Warlow has been obsessed with the Stackhouse family for years because they are the original Fey and in fact, Grandpa is the King of their tribe. Jason brightens: “That means Sookie is a Faerie Princess and I’m a Faerie Prince!” he exclaims. “The gene skipped you,” Grandpa says. Wah-wah. Anyway, backstory time: Warlow massacred Grandpa’s entire village when he was a child, killing everyone but him. Grandpa tracked Warlow, but not before Warlow showed himself to one of Grandpa’s sons, John Stackhouse, who signed the fearie pact with Warlow to give him Sookie. The night Warlow came for Sookie and killed her parents on the bridge, Claudine (their Faerie Grandmother) managed to send Warlow into another existence before he could get to Sookie. Grandpa tells Sookie they have a unique ability among the fey – they can channel their light into essentially a supernova in a glowy ball that will kill any vampire nearby. Because Sookie is only half-fey, she can only do this once and after it’s done, she’ll no longer be a faerie.  

But if you clap your hands three times and say "I do believe in fairies!" nothing will happen and you just look like an idiot.

Sam arrives home to find Lafeyette has already put Whatshername (turns out it’s Emma) to bed and is now watching reality TV. Alcide, Luna’s grandmother (Martha) and some other wolves show up looking for her and Sam has to tell them that Luna is dead. Alcide says the feds will be investigating Luna’s stunt on TV, looking for all shifters and werewolves sooner or later and that Sam may not be able to hide for long. Martha insists that Emma come with them, grabbing her when Emma rushes outside looking for Sam. The predictable fight ensues, all the while being witnessed by the Vampire Unity group.

In her room, The Governor’s daughter removes her special contacts to go to sleep when Eric Draculas up to her window and glamours her into inviting him in. It took six seasons, but we finally got the “Vampire at the Window Next to the Willowy Virgin in the Nightgown” scene.

 "My father's secret defense, all undone by my discomfort with dry eyes!"

At Bill’s, Jessica has cleaned up what’s left of Veronica while Bill is still catatonic in his chair. Trying to reach him, Jessica reminds him that if he can feel the pain of all vampires, he should be able to feel how scared she is right now. Jessica confesses she doesn’t know which Bible is real, having been force fed the traditional version by her father as a repressed human girl and now the vampire one by the Authority, but she’s starting to wonder if Bill is God, kneeling to pray before him and confessing her sins and asking Him to bless her friends, including Hoyt, wherever he is. (Cue audience sob at the Hoyt reference, remembering that breakup scene.) Finally, she asks God to bring Bill back to her. Internally, Lilith tells Bill that he must save them all, forcing Bill awake. As he comes to, the television turns on to news of the vampire lynching that Bill saw earlier, along with the news that the Governor has announced that vampires have no rights, so violence against them is not illegal. Jessica realizes that Bill can see the future just as Bill has a vision of a room full of vampires, including Jessica, Tara, Pam and Eric, being executed in a room that is opened to the sun.