Recap of this week's True Blood’s episode “You’re No Good." Despite the overly serious nature of the last two episodes, we finally got some time to (intentionally) bring the funny in this one. Enjoy!
TL;DR: Eric abducts Willa, the daughter of the Governor and learns that the Gov has been building a concentration camp for vampires, the newest addition to which is a captured Steve Newlin. Alcide is torn between protecting the pack and Emma’s obvious fear and desire to be returned to Sam. Andy Bellefleur tries to make nice with waitress Holly. Bill’s new powers don’t extend to keeping him safe in the sun, so he tries to force Sookie to give him some of her blood to save everyone, possibly irreparably damaging their relationship forever. Jason falls mysteriously ill just as Ben and Grandpa try to help Sookie defend herself against Warlow.
Eric is making with the sexy gesturing on the Governor’s daughter, Willa. It’s all very cheesy 1990s porn-y, honestly, with Eric saying things like, “Are you daddy’s little girl?” to her. The point being, if he kills her, will it mess up the Governor in a royally craptastic way. (One assumes “yes”.) Willa manages to tell Eric just before the biting and draining begins about her father's “experiments.” This is news to Eric. Armed guards burst down the door to Willa’s bedroom, but Eric and Willa are already gone through the open window.
Sookie is practicing her faerie lights unaware that something is watching her from outside her house. Again, how the hell have faeries survived all this time? Any other prey in the animal kingdom at least had the good sense to evolve side-facing eyes in order to avoid predators. Thankfully, Grandpa is a bit better in tune and feels something approaching. He begins to pursue, but when Jason, who’s suddenly feeling ill, collapses outside and Sookie leaves the house to help him, Grandpa is forced to teleport them all back inside. Sookie says she’s so used to danger she doesn’t get scared until the “shit starts to really hit the fan.”
“Inter-dimensional ancient vampire with a hate on for your blood? That’s pretty much as shit-and-fan as you get, sister.”
Eric brings Willa to Fangtasia. Which is to say, he’s kidnapped the Governor’s daughter and brought her to an illegal vampire business that the Governor is expressly trying to shut down. Tara sums it up nicely with an “aw hell no you di’en.” Eric orders Pam and Tara to pack what they need while he glamours the hell out of Willa, but before he can do anything Willa turns that tables and offers to help, saying she doesn’t approve of her father’s politics. Apparently the Gov has been using state funds to build a vampire concentration camp, but she doesn’t know where. Pam wants Willa killed out of retribution, but Eric’s says the world is changing and she’s their only bargaining chip. Well, her and, you know, super powers.
Meanwhile, at the Vampire Concentration Camp, guards drag a hooded man into a lab and strap him down – it’s Steve Newlin! Remember him? The rabidly Christian anti-vampire preacher who last season got turned into a vampire and in the process also became uber gay? Poor guy’s fallen on harder times it seems. The lab scientist does his best Goebbels impression and orders the guards to get Newlin ready.
Sam and Lafayette are coming to in Sam’s living room – Nicole and her boyfriend Jesse brought them in after the werewolf fight was over. Lafayette kicks them and their overly PC asses out with a bottle of whiskey and awesomeness, but Nicole manages to get an apology out to Sam before leaving. Yup, it’s new love interest season and no existing boyfriend is safe. Sam wants to get Emma, but Lafayette points out that he can’t possibly do it along since his schemes usually end up with him being captured. “So I’m telling you, I is in, and I want to know what’s the muthafuckin’ plan, boyfriend?”
Lafayette is awesome ALWAYS.
Eric shows up at Ginger’s house (she’s the tweaked out barmaid at Fangtasia who’s perpetually hot for Eric and perpetually confused from how many times Pam has had to glamour her) and gets her to invite him in on the pretext of having sex so he can hide Willa and hide from the sun that’s going to rise soon. Classic comedy of errors with many times the front door slamming only to be stopped by Pam then Tara. It’s classic comedy, people.
Jessica, meanwhile, is trying to clarify Bill’s “everyone’s going to burn” comment since, you know, details on such a prediction could potentially be important since she’s one of everyone, but Bill doesn’t know the whys or wherefores. Because his vision is a gift from Lilith he thinks he can survive during the day. As the sun comes up, Jessica tries to talk him into coming inside, terrified that he’ll burn, but Bill sends her inside to safety and waits for the sun in his front yard. It…doesn’t go well. Bill instantly ignites in flames and runs burning into the house. “I don’t understand…” he weeps as Jessica holds him.
"I believe I'm a God and so I want to take a potentially fatal risk. When has that ever gone wrong?"
Grandpa arrives at the faerie sanctuary/club to find it deserted and bloody. He uses his faerie light whatchamahoozle powers to see into the recent past and all the faerie Go-Go dancers that lived there scattered as something entered the club and killed them. That’s when he finds the one faerie left alive, who confirms that it was a vampire that got in somehow and asks Grandpa to send him home – which apparently involves disintegrating him into a pile of dust. Hail and farewell, you brave Go-Go dancing faerie boy.
Jason is still feeling miserable back at the house. Sookie wants to take him to the hospital, but he insists he’s getting better now that the hallucinations are gone, which Sookie had no idea about. “You didn’t wonder why I’ve been acting all crazy and more racist than usual?” he asks her. Fair point, Jason. He tells Sookie that it was because he’s been seeing their parents encouraging him, which he doesn’t understand given how nice they were in life. Sookie points out that when we lose people, sometimes we only remember the good and become blind to their faults, reminding Jason that their mother was scared of her for Sookie’s entire life. The entire scene is actually really sweet and I honestly love Sookie/Jason scenes for how well the way they capture how adult siblings act with each other.
At the Sheriff’s office, Andy Bellefleur and his deputy are unpacking their new anti-vampire provisions supplied by the Louisiana state government when Holly the waitress and sometimes paramour arrives wanting to know if Andy’s going to enforce the Governor’s vampire curfew. Behind her are Andy’s now tween-aged quadruplets, who have evolved quickly to like tracksuits and Justin Beiber. Holly, being there for the girls’ birth two days ago is…nonplussed to say the least. “Do they have names?” she asks. “ Right now I’m just using numbers,” Andy replies.
"There's literally nothing about the concept of good parenting that makes it through to you, is there?"
Meanwhile, two officers have arrived at Martha’s house looking for Emma, who is stashed in the back. Alcide and Ricki (one of the two indistinguishable were-bitches, just using her words) say they haven’t seen her and can’t help, but the cops insist on seeing Martha. Ricki fetches Martha to distract the cops and then turns on Emma, forcibly demanding that she shift into wolf form, despite her terror at being there. Outside the cops aren’t buying anyone’s story and insist that they be let in, since the Gov’s new orders give them vast latitude on search and seizure. Because Governors can overrule federal law as well as constitutionally protected rights with an executive order, but whatevs reality. Upon entering, they find Ricki holding a small puppy and leave. Ricki gains a little sympathy from me when she points out to Alcide and Martha that if the cops learn that they’re all werewolves than it’s only a matter of time before everything that they’re doing to the vampires is done to them too. Grumble, grumble, character depth, grrr…
Andy, Holly and the girls have taken to the woods so that Andy can teach Holly how to shoot a gun in case she needs to protect herself. When Holly can’t manage to hit any of the targets, the girls begin taking potshots of their own. “Dammit, girls! How many times do I have to tell you? Hand lasers off!” Andy yells. When Holly finally manages to hit a target, Andy confesses that he still has feelings for her and knows she’s mad that he, you know, knocked up a faerie a few weeks ago. Holly tries to sound unimpressed until one of the girls says, “Do you want to know what she’s thinking?” “Shut up, Number Three,” Holly yells back.
In less funny situations, Willa is stuck sitting in a hole in the ground with Eric all day trying to talk to him when all he wants to do is sleep. Willa says the reason the Gov hates vampires is because her mother was cheating on him with a vampire. So Mom was a fangbanger and, turns out, Willa is too! (Naturally – we’ve gone almost two episodes without a sex scene.) Willa tries to taste Eric’s blood from a scratch on his face, but he won’t let her. No sex for you, Willa!
"If I wanted to not have sex, I wouldn't have dumped that Pattinson guy."
Ben apparently never made it to the faerie club/abattoir because he’s still wandering the forest almost 24 hours after Sookie left him. Bad writing, or a plot point? Time will tell. Anyway, he spots Grandpa leaving the field where the sanctuary is hidden and recognizes him as the King of the Fey. Grandpa gives him the 411 on Warlow and recruits him to help once Ben hears that Grandpa is related to Sookie.
At the Vampire Concentration Camp lab, a visitor is here to see Steve – it’s his ex-wife Sarah, who we last saw co-leading the Fellowship of the Sun with him before she had extra-marital sex with Jason and he left her to be a gay vampire. Modern marriage, you know? Anyway, Steve thinks Sarah’s here to save him, which judging by her significantly greater amount of makeup and hairstyling, is not going to happen. They argue about who left who, who run away with who’s money, who decided to write a best-selling tell-all book about the whole deal. Again, the usual for a recently-divorced Christian celebrity power couple. Sarah tells him the Camp is a legally-sanctioned facility for eradicating the vampire race. After all, she tells him, “if you really want to go God’s work, you have to be in politics.”
"Is there possibly a vampire version of the Appalachian Trial you could hike? That would really help my congressional ambitions."
That night, Bill awakes healed and asks Jessica to find a professor at the university, the one who originally created True Blood and bring him, but he advises her to wear something “inappropriate.” Oh Jesus, True Blood. This was all just an excuse to get Jessica in a schoolgirl outfit wasn’t it?
Spoiler alert: Yes.
Jessica joins the Good Dr. Jailbait’s lecture, Charlie’s Angels style, and immediately catches his attention. After the lecture Jessica lays it on thick, telling him that she just switched her major to organic chemistry and needs a little “private tutoring” to catch up. Dr. Pedophile suggests tonight, perhaps? “Oh, it has to be tonight,” Jess vamps. (Pun!) Bill, meanwhile, shows up at Sookie’s door and asks for her help to prevent the vision he saw. Sookie refuses to invite him in, but Bill somehow is able to enter without the invitation. He tells Sookie he needs her blood for Dr. Sleezy to synthesize so he can save Eric, Pam, Jessica and Tara from his vision and he’ll take her with her or against her will. Sookie says if he ever loved her, he’d leave and not ask for her blood again. Bill angrily tells her that she’s practically dead to him now. “I’m good with that,” she responds, albeit a little sadly.
Nicole, Jesse and the other hipster activists are trying to get covert video of the werewolves turning, so they approach Alcide and the others asking to talk to them. In retrospect, approaching werewolves with a name like the Vampire Unity Society was not a smart idea, and the pack gets restless quickly, starting with Ricki who wolfs out and charges. A few blood splatters later and Nicole is the only member left alive. She flees for the hills pursued by the wolves, which is when the owl that has been watching them for a while turns into Sam, who runs into the house to rescue Emma.
At Ginger’s house, the Governor is on the line. Literally. He’s called Eric’s cell phone. Ginger rouses the vamps who keep Willa quiet while Eric talks. The Gov tries to trace the call while they talk (ATTN: Hollywood – do you not know how caller ID works?), locating them. Eric uses Ginger to keep the line open while chasing after Willa whom Tara has fled with.
Grandpa brings Ben to Sookie’s house, just in time for Sookie’s emotional break with Bill. He tells them about what he found, including how many of Sookie’s faerie friends are now dead. Ben tries to make nice with Sookie, asking if he can help clean the damage to the kitchen from Bill’s temper tantrum. She softens a bit and notices that she can feel it when Ben listens in on her thoughts, but not when other Fey do. Grandpa senses that Warlow is back outside the house. Grandpa and Ben head outside and trap something, but it turns out to be Nora. Just then, Jason collapses inside the house, allowing Nora to get away.
Andy catches Bill outside after curfew, but Bill persuades him to let him go home. In the process, Bill notices that Andy suddenly has a whole batch of new half-faerie children floating about. Well, isn’t that a development for someone who’s looking for faerie blood…