My So-Called Reunion

In the fall of 1994, My So-Called Life debuted and immediately won critical praise and a dedicated fan-base, mostly of teenagers. Whereas most family shows at that time were sitcoms that dealt with “very special episodes” once a season, My So-Called Life was a drama that not only confronted those issues in nearly every episode, it did it casually, understanding that to most people these issues, not the regular sitcom fodder of homework or nosey neighbors, were the stuff of everyday life. Sadly, it only lasted for one season but if you were one of the lucky few, as I was, to be squarely in its target demographic, that one year felt like something special.

Come with me, won't you, back to a time of flannel, body suits, and unironically clashing fabrics...

I’d argue the show was one of the forerunners to what we would now call “prestige television” in that it featured many of the same components that would come to define shows like The Sorpanos, or Game of Thrones: a variety of characters with their own plotlines, a unified story told over an entire season, moral ambiguity in plots and character decisions, and a sense of the stakes changing from one episode to another; It felt like life because things evolved and the show didn’t return to the status quo at the end of each episode.

But the show’s hallmark was the ultra-realistic depictions of teenagers and how they related to each other and to the adults in their lives. The show had very few villains, outside of life itself. The show was even mocked at times for the halting, seemingly rambling speaking style of the kids. Adults heard it and felt frustrated, recognizing all the “…um”s and “whatever”s and “….sure”s they heard from their kids daily while teenagers recognized the secret emotional codes that each monosyllabic grunt conveyed.

That inability to communicate was a central theme the show played with constantly. Moreso, it is one that expressed itself not only in the action, but in the interpretation of that action as well. As such, how you viewed the show was very much a function of your age and where you happened to be in your life at the time.

Here’s an example: one episode focused on Angela’s scheme to hang out with the object of her affection, troubled dreamboat Jordan Catalano. Knowing that her parents would never be cool with her spending time with Jordan, she arranges to study at neighbor boy’s Brian’s house one evening, but upon arriving slips away for a clandestine meeting with Jordan. (The meeting is relatively chaste, stuck in that non-verbal, early teenage haze where two kids can barely say anything to each other that doesn’t feature the word “like” as a connector verb.)

At the end of the episode, Angela has a scene with her father, Graham, where he asks about her evening. I distinctly remember my reaction to that scene watching it when it aired in the fall of 1994. It went something like this:

Graham: So you were over at Brian Krakow’s tonight. Was that, like, a date?

Angela: Oh my God, Dad! <Makes frustrated teenage noise>

Me (watching from home): What is wrong with him? How could he think that is what was going on? Clearly she has no feelings for Brian whatsoever. Why does he even bother trying to talk to about this? He’s her dad – it’s not someone you say this stuff to. This is mortifying!

In other words, I had an utterly typical teenaged reaction. Which makes sense, really: I was 16 in 1994, roughly the same age as Angela. My So-Called Life was a revelation because it was the first time I had seen teenaged characters on TV who reacted like I did, who thought like I did, and who looked like I did. They had the same perspective and thoughts and worries. It made them feel real and not canned or codified like the teenage characters on sitcoms who didn’t so much have problems as wacky, 22-minute misadventures that would mostly either resolve themselves or result in someone Learning Something Important.

Then, several years later, a friend of mine had a copy of the entire series on DVD and we gleefully sat down to watch it. We got to that same episode and rewatched that same scene. And like before, I had a strong reaction, though this time it was different:

Graham: So you were over at Brian Krakow’s tonight. Was that, like, a date?

Angela: Oh my God, Dad! <Makes frustrated teenage noise>

Me (watching from home): What is wrong with her? He’s her father and clearly doting on her! All he wants is to be friends with her again and not have this hormonal teenage monster in his house. His approach is awkward, but he’s legitimately trying to show interest in her life. Why is she being such a brat and not seeing that?

And thus, in one swoop and across fifteen years, My So-Called Life showed me exactly when I crossed over to the other side from empathizing with the teenager, to empathizing with the parent even though I myself don’t have children. In retrospect, I think that shows how thoughtfully the show considered the perspectives of not only its teenage characters, but its adult ones as well.

We all grow up. Revisiting our youth can lead to some funny conclusions, not only about who we were but who we are now. Though My So-Called Life only ran for one season, its characters would have graduated Liberty High School in June of 1997, twenty years ago this month. In honor of this show that I still love for its perfect encapsulation of what it felt like to be a teenager in the (mostly) pre-internet 1990s, I started thinking about what would the lives of these people look like if the show were to drop back in on them twenty years after we saw them last. And so, here’s my take on what the 20-year class reunion for My So-Called Life might be:

Angela Chase

Then: ruminative teenager, emotional spendthrift, says “like” a lot

Now: mild-tempered adult, mother, author

The rocky shoals of adolescence were never navigated so fully as they were by Angela Chase. Like most teenagers, Angela experienced high school as a constant source of melodrama, albeit one that she would come to think of in more gilded terms. After high school, Angela attended University of Virginia on a scholarship, graduating with a degree in creative writing.  She eventually took a job writing for a non-profit in Boston where she met Chris, a lawyer. The two eventually became engaged in 2004 and married the following year. Their first child, Claire, was born in 2006, followed by a son, Grant, in 2008. Angela’s often laconic speaking and writing style expressed itself in her first novel, a story about a homeless teenage girl living on the streets of a nameless city which received praise for its “stark, understated style.” Angela continues to contribute steadily to several publications and is currently at work on her third book.

 Rayanne Graff

Then: Rebellious wild child, drug addict, new BFF to Angela

Now: Countess of Devon

After graduation, Rayanne’s life could only have gone in one of two directions: way down the spiral or way up to the clouds. She was destined either to be the repeat offender in the Pittsburg Downtown Rehab Clinic or finally come to terms with her own emotional issues and make some positive changes. Thankfully, she chose the latter, got (mostly) clean and finished an associate’s degree from community college. She managed to enroll as a non-traditional college student, earning her bachelor’s degree in psychology in 2002. In 2003, Rayanne met Charles Courtenay, Lord Courtenay and the son of the 18^th Earl of Devon, England. After a whirlwind romance, the two married in 2004 and Rayanne relocated to London where she become the Countess of Devon after her father-in-law’s death in 2015. Rayanne and her husband have two children and the family are active in philanthropy.*

*Note: This one was easy to write. It actually happened.

Rickie Vasquez

Then: Troubled semi-homeless teenager, kind soul, bisexual

Now: Professional theatre owner, still kind, gay

Despite a rocky adolescence, Rickie managed to graduate from Liberty High on time and in good standing, largely through the help and support of his friends and his mentor, English teacher Mr. Katimski. After graduation, Rickie moved to New York City to pursue his dream of becoming an actor, which largely meant he spent years as a waiter. Despite the challenges of his career choice, Rickie managed to achieve modest success off Broadway and built enough of a network of fellow performers to establish his own performing company and home theatre, The Girls’ Bathroom. The company specializes in telling non-traditional stories and has been featured in leading theatre trade productions. Rickie lives in Astoria and has a reputation for mentoring troubled youth.

Note: my idea of Rickie’s transition from self-identifying as bisexual to identifying as gay is not intended as a case of bisexual erasure. Given the attitude about homosexuality in the mid-90s, particularly in a relatively conservative suburb, I think it’s highly likely that Rickie would have fallen into the trope of identifying as bi at the time because of its relatively better social standing than being gay. (Rickie also self-identified as gay, rather than bisexual, in one of the final episodes.) The notion of gay men initially identifying as bisexual, while certainly used unfairly to cast actual bisexuals as some kind of gay-in-waiting, has nonetheless been an unfortunate pattern for a number of years.

Jordan Catalano

Then: High school bad boy, dreamboat, sorta musician?

Now: Meth addict prolly

Man, you guys – the post-graduation years were not kind to Jordan. I’m operating on the assumption that Jordan even graduated from high school. It’s possible he dropped out, but I think the trajectory of the show would have shown him graduating, albeit just barely. Either way, life after high school was not good for the guy. He was never the brightest star in the heavens to begin with, sensitive soul that he may have been, so his path was likely to either be in the right place at the right time and land a modeling contract or delve down the path of unintentional pregnancies, drug use, and low-paying jobs. One of these was far more likely the other and, now in his late 30s, Jordan has seen some shit, man. He doesn’t really remember his time in high school much, though he does like to think about his car and wishes he could afford a new one.

Brian Krakow

Then: Nerd, Angela’s neighbor, holder of unrequited love

Now: Successful tech magnate, eligible bachelor

For all that he couldn’t catch a break in high school, upon graduation Brian was at the forefront of the new world. The tech revolution was just beginning in earnest in 1996 and Brian capitalized on this by attending college at Stanford and getting in on the ground floor of the tech world. He launched his first killer app only one year out of college and parlayed the experience into a successful video game production company. His company has grown and now provides video and audio solutions for a variety of public and for-profit companies. He lives part time in San Francisco and Montreal and is regularly listed on various society magazines’ annual “most eligible bachelor” lists. He also contributed the start-up capital for Rickie’s independent theatre company. 

 Sharon Cherski

Then: Former BFF to Angela, frenemy of Rayanne, Killjoy

Now: Engineer, somewhat happily married, mother to teenage daughter

Unsurprising to everyone, Sharon graduated top of her class and was immediately accepted into college at Carnegie Mellon University where she pursued a degree in engineering and graduated as one of only two women in her class before becoming the only woman in her graduate degree program. Long since broken up with her high school boyfriend Kyle, she eventually became engaged to Scott, a fellow CMU student before ending the relationship three weeks before the wedding as she realized she wasn’t in love with him. She accepted a job with an auto manufacturer in Johannesburg, South Africa where she met Paul, a fellow engineer. They married and Paul immigrated back to Pittsburgh with her after two years. Their marriage experiences fits and starts, many coming from the clash of two cultures, though Sharon and Paul try to love each other as they manage the tension that comes from a long-term marriage. She now has two daughters of her own, the eldest of which is about to begin her freshman year as a multiracial girl in a mostly white suburban high school. One can only imagine what her experiences will be like…

Patty Chase

Then: Mother to Angela and Danielle, breadwinner, provincial

Now: Semi-retired former executive, doting/meddling mother and grandmother

Patty and Graham’s marriage was straining throughout the show, though it eventually met its breaking point when Patty discovered Graham’s infidelity with his coworker, Hallie Lowenthal. Though they attempted to keep the marriage going, it dissolved shortly after Angela left home. Patty initiated the divorce, coming to the realization that while she still cared for Graham she could never be in love with him again. Patty continued to operate Wood and Jones Printing, wisely foreseeing the impact that the digital world would have on printing companies and successfully diversifying the company enough to keep it in operation for many more years. She eventually sold the company in 2014 for a profit and is now semi-retired. She is proud of the accomplishments of both of her daughters, though she continues to worry about them and has been accused more than once from each of them of inserting herself into their lives. She and Graham are on good terms and Patty has found Graham’s second wife to be surprisingly enjoyable. Patty has no plans to remarry, but continues to keep her options open.

Graham Chase

Then: Father to Angela and Danielle, cook, milquetoast

Now: Remarried, culinary instructor in Philadelphia

Even despite his affair, Graham still didn’t see his divorce coming. He believed that he and Patty had made real progress up until the moment Patty brought home the divorce papers. Given that his previous career path could best be described as “driftless”, it was one more destabilizing event in his life. Thankfully, his progress and reputation at the culinary school he had been attending/instructing at provided a needed assist when a colleague recommended that he apply for an open position at a prestigious culinary school in Philadelphia. He was offered the job and relocated. Shortly after beginning, he met Sue, a real estate agent who was taking cooking classes at the school. They married in 2004 and Graham became a step-father to Sue’s two sons. Graham continued to develop a close relationship with Angela and the two have become closer as Angela has become a parent herself.

 Danielle Chase

Then: Little sister, family non-entity, wisecracker

Now: Blog editor-in-chief, Instagram maven, hot take detractor

Six years younger than Angela, Danielle initially thought that once Angela left the house she would finally have her parents’ undivided attention. Unfortunately, Patty and Graham’s divorce left Danielle once again feeling invisible to her family. She graduated high school in 2005 and attended Oberlin College where she majored in creative writing and gender, sexuality, and feminist studies. It was there that she launched the beta version of her blog “Chasing the Dragon”, initially as an underground zine for fellow Oberlin students. It caught the attention of a New York media mogul who quickly moved to co-opt it, taking it under his media umbrella and hiring Danielle as editor-in-chief. Now going by Dani, she has skewered the social climbers of Los Angeles and New York with her trademark snark and is occasionally called upon to provide talking head commentary for nightly cable news programs. She is happily single.

 Tino

Then: Man of mystery, Frozen Embryos front man

Now: Club DJ maybe? Unconfirmed.

No one actually knows if Tino ever graduated from Liberty High School. Neither Rayanne nor Jordan have heard from him since 1998 when he was last spotted hosting a “total rager” at some Sophomore’s house.  Rickie claims to have seen him at an MTV event in Times Square around 2002, however was unable to confirm. Someone going by his name began to make it big on the Los Angeles club circuit about this time and is currently modestly successful as an international DJ who hides his face with a series of outrageous masks.  It is still unknown what, exactly, he looks like. 

You're The Love of My Life (At Least Until Next Season)

Okay, folks - only two more episodes to go. That circular white room the vamps keep worrying about is getting closer and closer and our plot lines are getting more and more complex. Also, remember this is True Blood - while there's no nudity, some of the images below may be risqué. Perhaps this is not the best blog post to show your kids. Unless they're evil. 

TD;DR: New vampire mistress Violet claims ownership of Jason leaving the other lady vamps unsure what to do. Alcide frees Nicole and her mother but before they can return home, Sam is able to sense that Nicole is pregnant with his child and tells her he loves her to keep her nearby. Jessica and Steve both are hot for new brooding vampire James and but to save himself, Steve tells Sarah that some of the vampires know the True Blood is tainted. Ben offers to save the vampires, but only if Sookie will become a vampire herself and marry him for eternity. Sookie eventually agrees, rationalizing that she can't fight destiny forever, however when she and Bill go to fetch Ben from the faerie world, Eric has gotten there first...

Recap: Don’t you hate awkward conversations? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t really like anyway? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t like over the melted bloody remains of your sibling and sometimes paramour? That’s the position Bill finds himself in as he watches Eric mourn Nora’s seriously disgusting death. Eric is less inclined to help Bill with his mission to save everyone, especially since Bill failed to bring Warlow back in time to save Nora. Though, really Eric, you’re thinking a little short considering you die in that vision of Bill’s. Anyway, there’s a lot of cry-yelling, some levitation, some talking trash about each other’s makers, a little questioning the divinity of everyone in the room, the usual before Eric flees.

Who hasn't been there after the death of our 300-year-old incestuous sibling/lover?

At the Oh God We’re Still In This Plotline werewolf camp, the “were-bitches” have had just about enough of Alcide not Nicole and her mother and opt to challenge Alcide for the position of Pack Master. Alcide really needs to think more about the women he has sex with; things never go well with them. Ricki (Nicki? Becki? I can’t recall her name) is betting that Alcide can beat her in a fight but won’t be able to kill her like Werewolf law says. I now find myself really hoping that if there is werewolf law, there are werewolf lawyers who study it. Please VampireJesus, make this a subplot for season seven. Anyway, she’s kinda right. Alcide successfully defends his position, but doesn’t kill her.

At VampCamp, the Mistress inmate is toying with Jason and there’s nothing Willa or Tara can do about it. “That bitch is a dog and he is her bone and she will fucking fuck us up if we fuck with her bone,” Tara summarizes it nicely. Jason confesses to the Mistress that the reason he’s in here is because he was getting sexy with Sarah Newlin and the Mistress devises a plan. She also tells Jason that he is now “hers”, meaning that she can feed off him as she likes. Jason’s worried about being passed around, but she tells him she doesn’t play that way because she’s Catholic. As in, medieval Catholic. So I guess as long as Jason’s not Jewish or trying to occupy the Holy Land or something, he’s okay?

Sookie returns to the Faerie land with Ben still restrained. Damn, sister – screw him and leave him chained to a tombstone. It’s the Bon Temps way, I suppose. Sookie wants Ben to use his blood to help save her vampire friends, yes, including Bill, which Ben isn’t exactly tickled about, even if Sookie is promising that she’ll make his safety a requirement. Ben agrees only on the condition that Sookie will be his, in the vampire way, forever. Sookie heads back to the real world to ponder, unaware that Eric has stumbled upon the gateway between the two dimensions and when he approaches, Ben is able to feel him. “Eternity?” she mutters as she walks away, oblivious. “He couldn’t ask me to go to the movies? It’s like men are incapable of just wanting to date me.”

Sex and the Bayou, starring Sookie Stackhouse

Jessica and James are enjoying their weirdly fully-clothed afterglow in the Vampire Conference Room (why so modest, True Blood?) and James wants to know what’s the story with her and Jason. Eric clearly isn’t the only one facing awkward conversations in this episode. They’re both ready for round two when the lovefest is broken up by two guards. As Jessica is being escorted, they conveniently encounter Pam coming out of her Shrink’s office. The Shrink, having abandoned all pretense at professionalism, is literally zipping up his pants when he asks the guard to take Pam back as well if he’s already going that way. Jessica is mildly appalled asking Pam how it was. “Boozy,” Pam admits, “but productive.”

Sam has come back to his restaurant (you know, the one with his name on it – guess he can’t really fault his waitresses for never making their shifts anymore) when Alcide finds him. Alcide has brought Nicole and her mother to Sam, saying his Pack days are done. Nicole and Sam put her mother to bed with an extra whiskey or two in her and in the process, Sam is able to smell something about Nicole. Intriguing… (Well, actually boring. But I at least applaud the writers for trying to do something with this.)

In the common area of VampCamp, True Blood is back on the menu! Only our heroes know that it’s contaminated, of course. Steve Newlin is hilariously threatened for his bottle and then tries to hit on James. Steve, I know prison sex is a huge theme in gay porn, but this is not going to go how you want it, trust me.  James, fool that he is, warns Steve not to drink the True Blood, thus assuring that this plotline will be foiled.

While considering the possibility of being Ben’s forever, Sookie remembers the first time Warlow tried to come into our reality. For those who never saw, it…wasn’t pleasant. Kind of like a horror movie, actually. In any case, clearly at odds with the attractive man she’s got tied up in a faerie dimension to occasionally have sex with.

Lady Vampire strategy session at VampCamp – turns out the Mistress is named Violet. That’s just because we got rid of two characters in two weeks, so clearly we need to stock back up. The ladies ask Pam to talk to Violet about keeping Jason safe, which leads to the first moment this episode that actually made me laugh out loud – Pam approaches the back wall of the common room which has chambers like a morgue where bodies are kept. Pam knocks on one of them and we hear Violet from inside yelling, “Fuck off, I’m eating” while she's noshing on Jason. I actually really love that in putting together VampCamp, they thought to store vampires in morgue slots in the wall. Well done, set designers.

Worst. Avon Calling. Ever.

The morning after the miserable murder, Arlene is beating herself up for being drunk in front of her kids while Lafayette makes her breakfast and the rest of the Bellfleurs offer their tea and sympathy. It’s sort of like the Golden Girls, honestly, only less cheesecake and more snipers and faerie daughters. I would watch a spinoff show about these people and their wacky madcap adventures is what I’m saying. For their first one, Lafayette tells Arlene about the life insurance policy. In her grief, Arlene’s thoughts indicate she blames herself and the faerie girls, which is overheard by Adilyn, who runs off. Yes, I would definitely watch this spinoff.

Sookie comes to Bill’s house. Bill, who’s just showing off by going outside in the daylight for the conversation, tells Sookie that his plan is to bring Ben to the VampCamp and give all the vampires some of his blood making them immune when the ceiling opens and they get flooded with sunlight. Why he wouldn’t also just, like, break them out seems unplanned at best, but whatever. Bill promises to keep Ben alive, if for no other reason than because they can’t synthesize his blood. Bill is getting short tempered, but Sookie tells him that Ben will only agree to help if he gets to make Sookie a vampire bride so maybe we all have shit that we have to think about, okay?

Sarah Newlin arrives at VampCamp in her best I’m-Totally-Not-Covering-For-The-Governor’s-Death-And-Stealing-His-Prestigue power suit to learn that there’s a hunger strike among a small group of the vampires, one of which is her ex-husband. Her solution is to put him in a giant hamster wheel and make him run until he confesses that his new BFF James who he feels a real connection with told him about the Hep V. In repayment, Sarah arranges for Steve and James to be brought to VampireThunderdome.

Stand aside, Hillary. Mama's got a political agenda to solidify. 

Adilyn deals with the guilt from Arlene (which, btw, she’s taking pretty well considering that she herself just lost three of her twin sisters, like, two days ago but no one’s concerned about that with her) by sneaking off with Holly’s teenage sons who have showed up at her window, Romeos to her telepathic Juliet, with a purloined bottle of alcohol.

Nicole and her mother are about to leave town when Sam confesses his undying love for her. Again, I remind you all that in this show’s continuity, his previous eternal love, Luna, only died, like a week ago. The argument is interrupted by Sookie, making her first appearance at her place of work, literally three-fourths of the way through the season. “Did I come at a bad time?” she asks. Remember folks, she’s supposed to be a telepath. Sookie tells Sam that she’s considering going FaerieSuperNova if it would make her normal for a change and she’s telling Sam because she always figured they’d probably end up together some day. That actually makes more sense that it seems, trust me, but Sam is right to get pissed that the object of his eternal love (maybe he has so many because he’s a shifter? Just considering…) is finally coming around right at the moment that he’s realized that Nicole is pregnant. Hence the sniffing earlier.

Arlene and the other Bellefleurs are making plans for Terry’s funeral. The Mortician says he’ll be buried with full military honors, 21 Gun Salute and all. Arlene points out the irony of such a thing for a man who was shot to death to say nothing of the fact that he knew about his own death. Arlene doesn’t want to keep the money, but Holly and Andy argue that it was his last wish. Arlene agrees on the condition that they get the reverend from the local “black church” to officiate.

Testify!

Sookie visits the graves of her parents and her grandmother to consider their lies to her in their lives and what that means. She To Be or Not To Be’s for a few minutes before deciding that it’s a moot point since literally all three dead Stackhouses keep finding some ghostly way to come back.  “Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going,” she says, deciding between tears to take Ben up on his offer and become a vampire, the very thing her parents were going to kill her to stop he from being rather than spend eternity by their sides in the ground.

The representative from the True Blood manufacturers arrives at the VampCamp demanding to see the Gov and wanting to know what’s going on. Sarah stonewalls her, but offers to make her a deal as fellow “strong women, forging our way ahead in a male-dominated industry.” The True Blood Rep clearly never read her Gloria Steinham because she punches Sarah in the stomach and pushes past her into the lab and realizing that they’re chemically altering the True Blood. Sarah tries to attack her when she goes to call the FDA, but the rep runs into VampCamp and sees everything that’s going on.

It’s unclear what the purpose of this experiment was.

Sarah chases the Rep into one of the vampire common rooms, catching up with her when her high heels get caught in a grate and tackling her. Sarah beats the rep’s head into the grate, causing her blood to drip down to the hungry vampires below. Eventually Sarah kills the rep by stabbing the back of her head with her own high heel. At which point Susan Faludi pretty much just shut off her TV and went to bed.

 "I'll never forget what you've done for me, Manolo Blahnik."

Adilyn and one of the two interchangeable teenage boys are making out in the graveyard, which for Bon Temps probably is the same as Lover’s Lane, when Eric interrupts them. Eric glamours the boys into forgetting they saw him (He also makes them forget they saw Adilyn topless, but he at least apologizes for “taking that one away from you.”) before chasing Adilyn down and feeding off her.

At VampCamp, Violet is getting talk from the guards for not drinking her True Blood rations, but she’s apparently smarter than the average bloodsucker because she’s starting to realize that our heroes aren’t drinking any either. Steve and James, meanwhile, are still in the circular white room when Jessica, Pam, Tara and Willa are brought in. This is looking eerily similar to the scene that Bill saw in his vision a few episodes back.

Sookie tries to call Jason, only getting his voicemail. She tells him about Terry, asks if he knows where their grandfather went and tearfully tells him that she loves him. Then she calls Bill to tell him they have a deal. Later, Sookie is dressed in her Sunday best as she escorts Bill to the faerie dimension. When they arrive, however, Ben is unconscious, his throat ripped open.

She's Just Not That Into You

Picking up right where we left off last episode, Psychotown’s Finest are on the case, arriving several minutes after the nick of time to stop the psychotic child sex trafficker on the force who just tried to kill the Bates family. Good on ya, PD. As the Sheriff rolls into the parking lot, he sees Shelby’s body and Dylan holding the gun. “We’d better talk,” he says. We cut to sometime later with Mother having just finished telling the entire story to the Sheriff. “Now you know it all,” she says. The Sheriff is apparently not as pure as he seems, because he instantly agrees to go along with a fake story whereby they all pretend that the Sheriff has long suspected Shelby was dirty and Shelby killed Keith and the Sheriff is the hero in everything. Dylan ain’t pleased, which is understandable since he’s the one who actually stopped the raving madman, but Mother and Norman are just thrilled to be not under indictment.

Some indeterminate time later, Norman and Bradley make tender passionate love like the experienced sexers they are has a wet dream about making tender passionate love just as mother enters the room to wake him up in the morning. The motel is opening in seven days and Mother wants them to be ready now that all the Shelby mess is behind them. Sidebar, Norman plays out this entire scene with his blankets specifically draped over his lap. Well done, actor!

"Would you be comfortable if I called you 'mother' while we do this?"

Norman repairs a trellis at Mother’s request when he discovers a wee, angry dog underneath the porch. He tries to coax it out with a donut, but the dog makes a break for it and runs.

In the house, Mother cooks Dylan a lovely breakfast, arousing Dylan’s suspicions. Mother seems like she’s honestly trying to just thank him for, you know, getting shot saving them and all and seems genuinely hurt when Dylan says he’s still planning on moving out. Mother throws a temper tantrum over a trash bag, which Dylan all but wrestles away from her to help her out. Taking the trash to the dumpster, a swanky car pulls up to the motel. A dapper man asks what has happened to the motel and where he can find Keith Summers before speeding off when he learns that Summers is dead.

In school, Norman walks RIGHT PAST EMMA to go to Bradley, who is back at school and surrounded by her Super Model handlers who have literally done her homework for her while she was gone. When Norman asks if he can see her later, Bradley just kinda shrugs. Norman, you just got PWNED!

Mother puts on her nicest business suit and heads to a restaurant to ask them to help promote the Bates Motel. The manager instantly shuts Mother down, saying she doesn’t like to associate with certain businesses. Mother is confused until the manager explains that everyone in town knows about Shelby being shot there and the missing/dead Chinese girl. Small town life, everyone knows everyone else’s shit, nothing to be done about it.

"So, you're telling me the three dead people on my property in less than a month might be a deterrent to success?"

That night at the motel, Mother notices the dapper man from earlier trying to get into room 9 with an old key. He tells her that he has had a standing weeklong reservation for this room every other month. Mother offers to give him the room, eager for a customer.  Dylan notices him from earlier in the morning and is worried. When Dylan asks him for his license, the man tells him they should already have it on file. Dylan feigns ignorance, new system, etc. Dylan “casually” questions the man, who says he comes to town on “sales” and pays in cash rather than giving a credit card. Meanwhile Mother, smarting from what the local business folk have said, is trying to scrub the blood out of their steps at the spot where Shelby died. Actually, kinda starting to see the townspeople’s hesitation about this place, now that I think on it. And yes, this is a scene about Mother trying to “get blood from out of a stone.” Jesus, writers – we get it.

The next day, Bradley approaches Norman and Dylan buying supplies. Bradley mentions that her mom is out of town so she’s alone, but also says that she’s heard that Dylan is working for Gil now, who used to work with her dad. Man, Bradley. You do not do “casual” well at all.  Dylan puts two and two together, however, and figures Bradley’s up to something and it’s not just booty calls with Norman that she’s embarrassed to tell her friends about.

Emma is not going to take Norman’s snubbing lying down. She shows up at the house and Mother invites her in. When Mother goes to fetch Norman, Norman asks her to say that he’s sick and can’t come down. Emma, the resident wounded puppy dog, blames the tears in her eyes on allergies, arousing Mother’s sympathies. Mother asks Emma to come with her to help her on an errand for the motel. In the car, Mother tells her that Norman is “going through something” right now but not to worry he’ll get over it. “Between us,” Emma tells her, “I go to school with ‘it’ and I don’t think he’s getting over her.” Oh shit. See that bag, the one that used to have a cat in it? Emma may be non-threatening to Mother, but the same can’t be said about someone Emma describes as “the prettiest girl in the school.” Emma offers to point her out at her yoga class downtown, which is conveniently right by where they need to go on their errand. Mother is SO NOT STEALTHY in checking out Bradley at her class. Mother begins to imagine fantasies of Norman and Bradley having all kind of porn-y, S&M sex with nipple licking and lights swinging around right under her roof. (I’m not exaggerating, this seriously is something the show filmed.) Mother is, in short, taking this a lot harder than Emma.

"Let's be friends, so that you can better help me to manipulate my son and your affections."

Back at the motel, Norman is hanging up the welcome sign (literally) and trying to woo the dog from earlier with cookies that he’s set out, despite Mother telling him not to attract strays. Norman tries to get Mother to let him keep the dog, saying it’s what normal families do. Mother reluctantly agrees as long as Norman takes care of it. That’s when Mother decides to give Norman “The Talk” out of the blue. When the polite route doesn’t work, Mother lays it out: “you don’t know that girl well enough to be screwing her,” she tells him. Mother almost erotically tells Norman about what happens in woman’s body during and after sex and he shouldn’t be dabbling around in that. Also, Mother says she’s hired Emma to help out, so have fun with that obstacle that I’ve just given you. This leads to a fight when Norman insists that Bradley is his girlfriend, even though they’ve only talked twice since having sex and Bradley is a special flower who’s just dealing with her dad being dead which is why she’s not answering any of his texts and then he storms out. (As a total sidebar, I haven’t really said enough about how great Vera Farmiga is at playing Mother – she really nails the manipulative smoothness that Mother has in this scene and it’s frankly a lot of fun to watch her.)

Norman goes to Bradley’s house to talk to her and you just know this isn’t going to go well. Norman gives a long passionate speech about how he knows how much they mean to each other and how great their soft-focus early 80s-music video style sex scene was and he knows she feels the same and she should break up with Richard (remember him?) and God, it’s like watching the cliff approaching while the car is stuck at 90mph. When Bradley tells him, honestly in a very adult, mature way, that she’s flattered but she really doesn’t feel the same way, Norman runs off, causing her to run after him. She finds him a block away, walking with a creepy blank look on his face reciting Mother’s earlier words about Bradley’s low behavior verbatim. “I don’t think you’re a nice girl,” he tells her menacingly.

Might want to avoid taking any showers around this kid, I think...

Back at the motel, the dapper man comes upon Mother working late in the office. He tells her that he likes her changes to the motel and offers to put out the word about her place with “all the business contacts” that he has in the area. He asks for the same business arrangement that he had with Keith, where he books every room for the first week of every other month. “Is that for all the other people you work with?” Mother naively asks. Yes, Mother. That’s totally it. Sheesh. For a murderer, you really don’t have any instincts, do you?

Norman arrives back at the motel to see the dog waiting for him across the street. He calls for the dog to come to him and when the dog does the show totally drops a bridge on the poor mangy thing in the form of a suddenly speeding car. And yes, the camera shows us everything. If you have any kind of sensitivity to animals dying, this is NOT the scene for you to watch. Norman breaks down as Mother arrives, telling her that he was wrong about Bradley. He decides to bring the dog’s body to Emma’s father because he can "fix dead things." That he's saying this to Mother is doubly creepy, since we all know what eventually is going to happen to her.