Recapping AHS: The Unholy Powers of Benadryl

The Good old days of 1830. Madame Lalaurie is returning to New Orleans from Paris, “the jewel of civilization” and complaining about having to come back and the lack of intellect and inner light of the black people. Upstairs, a slave has injured himself and is bleeding profusely. The blood begins to give Delphine ideas and we all know where that is going to head. She strings up the slave and flays him in her attic. “I think I’m going to like it here,” she says gleefully.

In the modern day cemetery, the Coven mourns the “untimely” death of Nan, Fiona and Marie leading the Wailing Widow charge. Cordelia is taking it especially hard that she’s lost another student, although in fairness at least Madison came back. No one seems quite aware where Misty has gone to. “Probably shall-twirling down to the Everglades,” Madison helpfully offers. Arriving to pay their respects are Queenie, who has a re-headed Delphine on a leash. Queenie put her back together without scars, Kyle notes. “If I could have done you, you wouldn’t look like you went through a blender,” she tells him.

"I'm trying to muster up crying. Is this what crying looks like?"

In Atlanta, the Delphi corporation knows that the witches have been the cause of their problems. Hank’s father schemes to arrange a meeting with the Coven and pay them off to undo the spell, after which point they’ll come back and slaughter them to a witch. Yeah, no way ANYONE is going to see through that ruse. Either way, Fiona and Marie agree to a meeting, counting on the double-cross.

Delphine, meanwhile, is getting a little sick of this maid life, cutting the fingernails of the witches and cleaning the toilets and listening to Marie talk about how next time she’s going to sever her parts and scatter them. That is until the moment when one of the (black, natch) gardeners comes into the kitchen having cut his hands pruning the fig trees. Delphine, ever so graciously, offers to help the man – by taking him to Spaulding’s old room in the attic, trussing him up and seeing “what makes the n*ggers tick” by cutting off his toes one at a time.

Not a joke: She's seriously singing "This Little Piggy" before removing the digits.

Zoe meanwhile is casting a spell in the bathroom to reveal what happened to Nan and discovers that both Fiona and Marie were responsible. Madison is unhappy with all the attention that Kyle has been paying to Zoe and not her. She tries to intervene with a helpful blowjob, but Kyle rejects her, causing an epic witch tantrum until Mrytle stops them. Madison declares herself the next Supreme and announces the new order begun. Or something.

In the attic, the eviscerated remains of the gardener are causing something of a mess all over Delphine and the dolls in the room. “Not very robust, were you,” Delphine bemoans. Suddenly Spaulding appears, admiring her handiwork and admitting that he’s a ghost now. Delphine takes that news well, but then, she’s immortal so I guess it’s not that shocking. Spaulding tells her that he knows how to release Delphine by killing Marie through means of a magic concoction that he knows of that will render her invulnerable for a few moments.  But first, Delphine must retrieve an item for him.

Queenie is moving back into her old room which was taken over by Misty. Cordelia tries to approach her to welcome her back, but Queenie notes that since Cordelia’s husband shot her kind of puts a wedge between them. Queenie reveals that she, too, has been manifesting new powers just like all the rest of the young witches, even though she was shot with a silver bullet. (Is that a thing for witches?)

Feeling dejected and determined, Cordelia repairs to her conservatory where she mixes up a paste and spreads it around her eyes. Then she grabs a pair of gardening shears and raises them to her new eyes, the ones that gave her sight but took away her powers. Screaming, she plunges them into both eyes.  When Fiona learns what she has done, she finds Cordelia guarded by Mrytle who refuses to let her in. “Your daughter has become something you will never understand,” Myrtle says. “She’s a hero.” Myrtle challenges Fiona, calling her an enemy to the Coven and dares her to touch her daughter and see if Cordelia’s psychic sense has returned.

"I really need more excuses to use words like 'blanched' when describing the living conditions here."

In the attic, Marie has fetched the “magical” item that Spaulding needed – a rare doll that Spaulding is particularly enamored of from the 19^th century. For her part, Spaulding gives her the special potion that will confer morality onto Marie – something called Benadryl. “Never speak its name aloud!” Spauling dramatically tells Marie.

In the conservatory, Myrtle calls Zoe to her, giving her a rare broach (or something – I don’t know fashion, I can’t tell you what it is but my friend insists that it’s by some rare designer that really exists) and tells her to hawk it for money then take Kyle and leave the Coven for their own safety. Myrtle warns her if she stays, Madison will kill both Zoe and Kyle.

At a very professional looking business park somewhere, the Delphi men have arrived in their Escalades and wait for the witches in a large conference room. It’s Marie and Fiona up against ten men. When the Delphi men ask if they don’t want to check for security or weapons, Fiona laughs. “I took down your entire company with less effort than it takes for me to mix a Rob Roy,” she says. The “negotiation” begins – Delphi offers to do whatever the witches want if they restore Delphi, offering that the war between them is outdated and a thing of the past. Each of Delphi’s directors have signed a 100-year truce that they offer to the women. Fiona counters that the only agreement that will work is if they agree to disband permanently. And give them a private jet and their private house in New Orleans. When no one seems interested in this, the waiter in the room reveals himself to be the Axeman and gets to what he does best, slaughtering every member of Delphi. (Marie, hilariously, plays on her iPhone through the carnage, apparently more interested in Words With Friends.) Fiona saves Hank’s father for herself, axing him personally at the end as Marie Instagrams the scene.

"This is so getting me new followers."

That night, Marie and Fiona toast to their success back at the house. Fiona heads out for her Axeman booty call, leaving Marie alone with Delphine and the “magic potion”. While it’s probably not great to mix antihistamines with champagne and Marie is clearly a little fuzzy from imbibing, Delphine has seriously overplayed her hand here and gets a surprise when she plunges a knife into Marie’s chest. Marie screams, but is more annoyed at having to pull the knife out than anything else and chases after Delphine, managing to only slip and fall down the stairs when Spaulding hits her over the back of the head with a doll. Turns out Spaulding was only interested in getting Marie out of the house and recommends that Delphine take advantage of the situation by burying the unconscious Marie in such a way as to ensure that she can’t get out of the ground.

But Spaulding’s not done being creepy! Guess who found Marie’s baby in the house and is thrilled to have a real LIVING doll to play with in the attic? <shudder>

Elsewhere in the house where no one can hear a woman falling down the stairs, Zoe and Kyle are packing to leave. Kyle is afraid to leave because he’s afraid that he’ll accidently kill Zoe like he did the dog. (Still not okay with that, btw.) Zoe tells him that she loves him and she’s not scared of him, just like any good woman about to enter into an abusive relationship. The two flee the house, running for the bus stop where they board a bus to Orlando (Don’t do it, guys! Seriously, the Mouse is scarier than certain death at the hands of a vengeful witch) and hopefully freedom.

Not the actual ending of this episode, but clearly what they're aiming for.

Recapping AHS: Guest Star!

Okay you guys – I admit, part of the reason I was so behind on recaps was because this season has been kind of, well, boring. Despite everything going for it, it’s just been hard to muster the interest, you know? So imagine my relief when we finally got an episode where things actually happened. It’s not the best AHS episode ever, but it is the best one this season so far.

Picking up where we left off, Fiona is offering Marie a cup of tea (and whiskey) and sympathy, offering her shelter from the witch hunters. It’s not clear if Marie has turned to Fiona because she really has nowhere else to go or just because she truly does recognize Fiona as an equal. (I’m hoping for the former – way more fun.) Either way, that night as she sleeps Marie gets a visit from the creepy as all hell Papa Legba who is the source of her immortality. (Thank you Voodoo Gods for finally bringing a scary character into a show that’s supposed to be about horror.) He tells her tonight is the night for her to pay her due, slaughter of everyone she currently knows and cares about be damned. To pay the price, Marie sneaks into the newborn ward in a hospital and selects an infant. Silly Marie – don’t you know babies are tagged so you can’t steal them from the hospital? Silly police who are here to stop her – Marie gets all magic-y and forces the two cops to kill themselves as she walks off into the night with the child.

Strange thing? Still hot.

The next morning, Cordelia angsts over the realization that Hank is the one who went all Columbine on Marie and her hair salon. Marie confesses that she hired Hank to kill the witches, so she’s got a bit of culpability here as well. “You were my sworn enemies!” she reminds them. Either way, Fiona reminds them, witch hunters don’t act alone.

Upstairs, Misty is singing to herself and practicing her Stevie Nicks-style shall turns. Fiona butters her up, though Misty is skeptical about Fiona’s newfound desire to share power with her as the potential new Supreme. To show exactly how magnanimous she can be, Fiona introduces Misty to her “old Friend, the White Witch.” Who is, yes, Stevie Nicks. For realz. Misty promptly faints upon meeting her. “You owe me five bucks,” Fiona tells Stevie. “I told you she was going to do that.”

Later, recovered from her vapors, Misty and the rest of the witches listen to Stevie perform Rhiannon on the grand piano and geek out along with Ryan Murphy behind the camera for getting Stevie on the show. Madison kvetches that she’s a big Eminem fan, so when does he play? “Marshall?” Fiona asks. “You’re not his type.” As she finishes, Stevie gives Misty her shawl and wishes her luck on the Seven Wonders test that she’ll soon have to pass.

OTP!

Upstairs, the younger girls emote over why it is that Misty is suddenly supposed to be the next Supreme (ATTN: Writers – finish these conversations quicker. We don’t need to have this same scene in every episode.) and try to out-witch each other. Meanwhile, the older witches pool what they’ve been able to learn about Delphi Trust, the front company for the witch hunters. Turns out the family dates back to Old Salem and has been hunting witches since the colonial times. Fiona suggests a sideways attack by cursing their money supply and bringing them down financially, rather than coming at them physically. Cordelia wants to help with the spells, but Fiona says she is tainted and can’t help anyone due to her association with Hank. Marie and Fiona cast a spell involving a maze, herbs, mice and a lot of traps as, elsewhere, the SEC and the FBI begins to close in suddenly on Delphi.

The spell, however, takes a lot out of Fiona as she collapses. While Marie tries to help her restore her strength, Fiona asks Marie for her secret for staying young and healthy. Marie reveals that she sold her soul to Papa Legba back in the 1830s. “I thought I was the shit back then,” Marie says. Having just given birth to her first child, she didn’t accept the idea of death until one night when Papa Legba came to her and offered her eternal life in exchange for a price. Thinking she was just going to have to get occasionally sexy with him, she agreed without understanding what he wanted was a pure soul, which meant giving up her newborn child and then one child each year thereafter. File under “Devil, deals with.”

On the streets, Madison and Misty have joined the tail end of a New Orleans jazz funeral procession. Because that’s what you do when you’re young, powerful, and really enjoy eating grilled chicken on a stick, and when your show runners realize that you’ve done almost an entire season and not yet had this iconic piece of the city in a scene. Madison points out that Misty is about to be showered with gifts as the new Supreme and that everyone, even Stevie, was likely just playing her as the new power on the scene. As the funeral makes its way into the cemetery, Misty enchants two gravediggers at Madison’s request.  Madison wants to show Misty that she is just as powerful as Misty is and to do that, she resurrects the man about to be buried. Confused, the man stumbles out of his coffin. Madison convinces Misty to drop the shall that Stevie gave her into the coffin as a way of proving that she isn’t enslaved to anyone else as the new Supreme. Silly Misty does exactly this, turning her back to Madison just long enough for Madison to conk her on the head, drop her into the coffin, steal back the shall, and send the gravediggers back to their work, entombing Misty into a grave. “Stupid bitch,” Madison smirks as she dances away to the tune of the jazz band.

Now, now… more just like naive. 

Nan and Zoe have gone to the hospital to visit Luke only to be told that Luke has died. Nan takes the news hard and insists on seeing Luke’s mother, suspecting her part in his death. The two come to Luke’s house, planning to find Luke’s body and bring him to Misty to resurrect him. Mother tells them that she’s had Luke’s body cremated, producing the urn. (Luke only died, like, yesterday. That’s some quick service crematory service I must say.) Nan is…displeased and forces Mother to her knees. Zoe tries to intervene, but Nan sends her flying into the next room. Nan grabs a bottle of bleach and puts it into Mothers hands. “You have to be cleansed,” she tells Mother and magically forces her to start chugging the bleach.

In the conservatory, Mrytle is playing a theremin despite Cordelia’s attempts to angst herself into an early grave. “Don’t be a hater, dear,” Mrytle tells her when Cordelia asks her to stop making that god-awful creepy noise. Recognizing how defeated Cordelia feels, Myrtle suggests that maybe she should leave the coven and seek out a new life. “Your salad dressing is absolutely magical, maybe you could bottle it?” she suggests.

Fiona, mindful of Marie’s advice that Papa Legba comes to those who are desperate enough for him, prays for his attention in her room. Her devotion (and a few lines of coke) are apparently enough for him to show up out of the blue, mostly invited, like a creepy Adele. Fiona gets down to brass tacks – she doesn’t want to die and is willing to do what it takes to stay alive eternally healthy. Papa Legba says he’ll need her soul and one night a year she needs to perform a service for him, for example “could you cripple your child?” he asks. “Today?” Fiona responds. “Absolutely.” (Comedy!) But seriously, Fiona will do anything. It deal is struck and Papa moves in to seal it with a kiss, but pulls back at the last minute. The deal is off, he tells her. “You have no soul.” Whaaaaaaaa? Well, the Axeman, helpful spirit that he is, appears and points out that all they need to do is find the next Supreme and take her down. “Let’s just kill them all,” Fiona vamps.

Thank you, creepy voodoo man, for finally giving me something in this show to not want to think about when I'm falling asleep. Aside from that enema thing, that is.  

The next day, Nan can hear the thoughts of the baby that Marie stole. Trying to rescue it, she is stopped by Marie and Fiona. Despite needing the sacrifice, Marie has genuinely come to see the baby as being something like her own. Seeing a two-birds-one-stone problem here between Papa needing a pure soul for Marie and Nan who is suddenly a liability,  it’s to the tub where they unceremonially hold Nan’s head under as she struggles to survive. “Oh come on, you’re not the first witch to be drowned,” Fiona tells her because misery loves company?  Either way, Papa isn’t thrilled about Nan’s innocence. “She’s innocent. Mostly,” Fiona insists. “She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming.” The argument is apparently persuasive as Nan’s spirit emerges and accepts Papa’s offer to take her to the other side. “Anywhere is better than here,” Nan says and goes with him.

Later, because we can’t just use Stevie Nicks once, Fiona listens to Stevie play the piano in the parlor, finally letting some of the horror that she’s just been complacent in seep in. And yes, the final scene is total emotion bait, but damn if it’s not beautifully shot and damn is Jessica Lange doesn’t sell all the emotional exhaustion that Fiona, a woman who would like to do the right thing but ultimately is always drawn in by her own dark impulses, is dealing with.

Recapping AHS: Teaching an Old Head New Tricks

Second of two recaps! On the same day! Look how caught up I'm getting! Seriously, more coming soon. 

Everyone, remember back in the halcyon days when our fathers would take us on hunting trips in the woods and give us our first taste of coffee and show us what it meant to be a man? Yeah, that’s what Hank went through in 1991 when his father took him on his first hunt, calming his nerves and telling him that he won’t miss when the time comes because their family has been hunters for generations. And speaking of which, let’s go back us a witch! (you didn’t think this was about deer, did you?) Long story short, dear old dad and Hank hunted down a witch, which means a frightened young woman who lived alone in the hills but Hank couldn’t shoot her when she began to beg for her life, leaving that task to dad. “No mercy,” Hank was told. “Never forget what they are.”

In fairness, she's not doing herself any favors, presentation-wise.

In the modern day, Fiona has had it, you guys. She brings Delphine’s head, still in its box, to Marie’s hair parlor and demands that they talk. Sidebar, I kind of love how put out Jessica Lange plays this, as if another head in a box is just the errand she didn't want to have to deal with today. Delphine’s body is still in its cage in the back and waves at Fiona. Fiona tells Marie that she wants an alliance and for the Coven and the Tribe to join because the witch-hunters have arrived. Marie however sees this as their problem, one that’s likely to be taken care of sooner rather than later given that Fiona is clearly dying.

At the academy, Myrtle recalls Fiona bringing a young Cordelia to study at the academy and tells the adult version that she doesn’t want Cordelia to think that she’s the one who blinded her. Cordelia says she knows that Fiona set Myrtle up, but the witch-hunters are a bit higher priority right now kthanx.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Hank has gone to see his father at his “firm” Delphi Trust which is really a cover for their witch-hunting operations. Hank is dealing with some pseudo-sibling rivalry given that Dad, powerful corporate titan that he is, has given the second in command position to another person, David, instead of his son. Hank has been “sloppy” with New Orleans and aligning himself with Marie Laveau was not a smart plan. Dad has had to cover up the murder of Kaylee (turns out Hank used a credit card to book that hotel room. Fool.) and reveals that Delphi was actually behind the attack on Cordelia.

At the academy, Myrtle is holding a fancy dinner party just for her and the other two members of the council. The council members have “such terrible regrets” over the misunderstanding that resulting in her untimely burning and murder. This is all done over melon balls and other fineries, so it’s quite civilized. They want to know all about Misty. Myrtle draws a comparison to the persecution Misty has felt with her own, which she clearly places at the feet of the other council members. Halfway through a toast, the council members find themselves unable to move, Myrtle having laced the melon balls with monkswood which has caused paralysis. “it’s supposed to be quite terrifying,” Myrtle says. But she’s done this not for revenge, but for Cordelia, as she plunges the melon baller into each of their eyes.

If you've got to go in a horrific way, it may as well be with a crazy Francis Conroy yelling at you in a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Later, upstairs, Myrtle unwraps a bandage from Cordelia’s head to reveal that she now has two mismatched eyes, one brown and one blue, and has regained her ability to see, but lost her gift. Fiona is amazed to see what’s happened and wants to know who the donors were who gave up their eyes? Myrtle says they wish to be anonymous. Which is technically true, given that we see Myrtle earlier dismembered the bodies gleefully.

Zoe and Madison find Nan in the hospital, banned from Luke’s room by his mother. Mother tries to have them removed when they enter the room, but Nan begins to tell Mother what Luke is thinking, even despite being unconscious. Mother doesn’t believe her until Nan recounts stories that only Mother and Luke could know. Mother weepily allows Nan to stay with them.

Queenie meanwhile has taken it upon herself to engage Delphine’s head in a little “sensitivity training” in her bedroom by forcing Delphine, who can’t move due to having no body, to do nothing but watch Roots, Mandingo, The Color Purple, and B.A.P.S., the last of which definitely qualifies as torture and should reserve Queenie a place in The Hague for crimes against humanity. Delphine closes her eye and sings “Dixie” as loud as she can.

"I'm less moved by your pain and suffering, more frustrated that my nose has itched for the last two hours."

In his hotel room, Hank is suddenly wracked with pain when a man enters telling him that Marie Laveau sends her regards and will continue to do so unless the white witches die tonight. In the greenhouse, Misty and Cordelia listen to Stevie Nicks and mix up some muddy potions, bringing a long-dead plant back to life, when Hank appears, drunk, but visibly pleased that Cordelia has her sight back. Hank tells Cordelia that his life has no meaning without her and begs for her to take him back. Too late, Hank – Cordelia has already filed for divorce.

Gathering the last of his things upstairs, Hank is confronted by a snarling German Shepherd that Fiona has gotten for protection. Hank says that’s why he’s here, but Fiona mocks him. The dog notices something strange in one of the rooms and when Fiona opens the door she sees Kyle sitting on the floor reading a kid’s book. “Another goddamn boy,” Fiona mutters. “Jesus, these girls…” The dog licks Kyle’s face and Kyle, in return, completely drops a bridge on the adorable thing and snaps the dog’s neck. Note to the writers: As a German Shepherd owner THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! At any rate, the girls soon return home to find Fiona playing gin rummy with a very verbal Kyle, whom she has “spruced up”, and losing. Fiona has decided that Kyle is the best guard dog they could have.

I'm putting this here because fuck you, show - you do not get to add a German Shepherd only to have it die horribly literally once scene later. Not cool. 

At Luke’s hospital bed, Mother tells Nan that she’s a miracle and she can’t thank her enough. Nan has restored Mother’s faith in God. Nan relays that Luke is telling her that there is a God, but He’s judging Mother for having murdered Luke’s father which totally doesn’t come as a shock, right? I mean, the woman gave her son a forced chlorox enema because he talked to a girl. We're not dealing with someone who defaults to logic a lot. Mother insists that her husband died of an allergic reaction, but in a flashback we see that she killed him when she found out he was having an affair with a member of Mother’s book club. This pretty much kills any goodwill between Mother and Nan, obvi, and Mother orders Nan to leave the room, irrespective of whether or not Luke's consciousness is whispering truth-y things to her in her ear.

Actually, this was just them geeking out over the latest True Blood episode, but you get the point. 

At Marie Laveau’s, Queenie is plotting more ways to open Delphine’s bigoted mind when Hank suddenly bursts in, guns literally blazing. He murders each of Marie’s workers (all black, natch) one by one, including Queenie before heading to the back to take out Marie herself. Queenie not done herself, however, manages to get a gun, put it into her own mouth and shoot, causing Hank’s brains to blow out the back of his head.

Later, in his offices, Hank’s father weeps over pictures of his dead son. At the hospital, Luke finally begins to wake and weakly accuses his mother of murdering his father. “Go back to sleep,” she tells him, placing a pillow over his head and pushing down.

And at the Academy, the front door knocks. Fiona answers to see Marie, whom she invites in.  

Recapping AHS: Heads Will Roll

I know, I know! I'm wicked behind on recaps! I'm catching up, I promise! But first, jumping back a few weeks…

In the mean streets of The Big Easy, one woman sets out on a dangerous mission. That would be Queenie, purposefully taking a walk through the rough part of town to murder would be rapists for their body parts for Marie. Zoe and Madison find her and try to convince her to rejoin the Coven. Queenie’s less interested, figuring her luck is with Marie and Voodoo, not Fiona and Witchcraft. “War is coming,” she tells the girls. “And you’re going to lose.”

War is, admittedly, a little under-armed.

Fiona, meanwhile, is getting no better due to the cancer that’s rapidly advancing on her. “I’m starting to look less Samantha and more Endora everyday,” she bemoans. Delia has little sympathy, however, asking her to do them all a favor a kick off before Thanksgiving in order to save them all from her cuisine. What the cancer hasn’t stopped, however, is her sexual relationship with the Axeman, who is still somehow in a corporal body. Yeah, that’s not been explained. Anyway, he’s into her, but she doesn’t want to decay in front of anyone. Thankfully, she’s got a plan – remove whichever of the girls is the new Supreme, and her health comes back.

Which brings us to the next scene – Luke’s mother isn’t pleased that he was spending all that time during the Zombpocalypse at Halloween over at the house with all it’s “devil’s magic” and determines that Luke is unclean. What’s a mother to do with an unclean boy? Cleans him. Via a homemade chlorox solution that she forces Luke to take as an enema, stripping him naked and putting him in a tub. “You don’t have to do this,” he almost whimpers. “Oh, but I do.” She replies. Clearly she learned parenthood from the Norma Bates Correspondence School. (And though this is disturbing, can I say it is nice to see a welcome return to the inappropriate sexual crazy? We’ve been lacking that a lot this season.)

A boy's best friend is his mother and her best friend is a homemade detergent enema pouch.

Cordelia and the girls are plotting a way to kill Fiona when a knock at the door reveals a frantic Misty, who says she’s been driven from the swamp after a man with a gun found her in her shack the previous night. Only a warning from the resurrected Myrtle Snow got her out in time.  Misty reunites the Coven with Myrtle, who has her hair back thanks to “buying in bulk from North Korea for years.” Myrtle recognizes the troubles the Coven has been going through and points out that the one witch with them with real power, the next Supreme perhaps, is Misty.

Zoe is trying to get Kyle to learn through kids language games, but Kyle just wants to get kissy with her. So, your typical frat boy, really. The coven gathers for The Sacred Taking, a ceremony only used three times in history whereby the old Supreme sacrifices her life so that the Coven can continue. Though, in this case, we’re getting a little loose with the word “sacrifice” since Fiona won’t be aware of what’s going on. Once done, Misty will be recognized as the next Supreme. The girls are all a little jealous until Cordelia points out that none of the Supremes have had happy lives, all of them were crushed under the weight of the office, except Fiona who just ran away. Fiona’s going to need a “push” in order to give her own life.

Upstairs, Cordelia vomits before hearing music from her bedroom and seeing Madison dancing provocatively. “Thought you’d seen the last of me?” she coos. Fiona tries to force Madison from the room magically, but can’t muster the strength. Madison gives Fiona a choice – be burned tomorrow or swallow all her pills. She leaves and is replaced, Dickens-like, by Myrtle who catches Fiona trying to pack a suitcase. Fiona wants to run, saying she’s finally found someone she truly loves and begging for the last few months of life with him. Myrtle shows Fiona a vision of Fiona decaying in a hospital bed while the Axeman leaves her.

What we don't know is why all of Fiona's psychotic fever dreams look like Meatloaf videos.

Upstairs, the ruse is working. Fiona puts her face on in order to leave a good-looking corpse and tells Myrtle about the regrets and non-regrets in her life. “I’ve always been rigorous about not staying too long at the party,” she sighs. “I had the good form to know when it’s over.” Fiona dresses in a fine fur coat and high heels and swallows a handful of pills. She asks only that they hang her portrait where she chose and not in the basement with the disgraced Russian witch. (sidebar, I hope to God we hear more about that.) As she lays dying, Spaulding appears to her and begs her to wake up and tries to get her to swallow ipecac. As a ghost, Spaulding can finally speak again and tells Fiona what the Coven is up to and that Madison isn’t the next Supreme. And oh, it’s Go Time on the Revenging Witch Comedy Hour.

Speaking of revenge, Queenie brings Delphine a cheeseburger in her cage. “Whatever did I do to deserve this betrayal?” Delphine moans, rather richly. Marie, clearly, is enjoying the reversal and, to be fair, turnabout is kind of fair play. Delphine is pretty unrepentant with Marie, though, demanding that Marie bring her something to drink like a maid. Delphine points out that there’s nothing that Marie can do to her – she can’t die. Better to put her back in the ground and “when they dig me up in another 100 years, the natural order will be preserved.” By which she means there won’t be a “darkie” in the White House. Going back into the ground is not the only option though, according to Marie. “You suffer from a lack of imagination,” she tells Delphine. And then cuts her hand off. 

Voodoo justice. 

Downstairs at the house, Nan is a little steamed that everyone assumes that there’s no way she could be the next Supreme. She sneaks to Luke’s house, finding him tied up and gagged in a closet. She frees him and tries to get him out of the house when Mother spies the two of them and calls the police. And that’s when shit gets real, you guys – bullets suddenly start flying in from outside, killing Mother and hitting Luke when he protects Nan from the gunfire.

Next door and oblivious to the urban warfare, the Coven waits for Fiona to die. Misty doesn’t feel any differently, though which is all explained when Fiona enters the room and demands to know about the “swamp witch” who is supposed to replace her. Turns out Misty is gone, having fled to the house next door. Luke is taken to the hospital with a serious head wound, but Fiona finds her in the living room with Luke’s mother’s body. As Misty brings Mother back to life, Cordelia finds a spent bullet on the ground and sees that the shooter wasn’t random – it was someone after the Coven.

Zoe hides Kyle, saying that none of them are safe. Kyle manages to say that he loves her and doesn’t want to leave while Madison, who is “sharing” Kyle with Zoe overhears from the hallway.

In the morning, Cordelia fears that Fiona is going to punish her for trying to orchestrate her death but Fiona is frankly impressed that Cordelia would show such grit and determination. “You really are my daughter,” she says. Fiona notices the bullet, a silver one that’s been blessed and concludes that witch hunters are behind this. At that, the door bell rings, but only a box is left on the front porch. Sounds familiar, right? Fiona brings it inside and opens it to reveal Delphine’s severed head, the eyes of which suddenly flip open.

Somewhere, James Caan is enjoying this.

Recapping AHS: That Voodoo That You Do

Happy (belated) Halloween, everyone! Here's the second of two recaps that I'm behind on. The first one is below.

Picture it. New Orleans. 1961. The halcyon days of America’s innocence are pretty much non-existent if you’re black and southern as a young black boy finds out when he’s chased down his street in broad daylight and lynched by four white men. Guess New Orleans has a Stand Your Ground law. Know who doesn’t take kindly to this whole Emmitt Till shit? Marie Fucking Laveau. 

"Aw no, Mama gonna do somthin' 'bout this."

After painting symbols on the floor and some drumming and some serious snake killing, Marie casts a spell. The white men, out in a field somewhere that night bemoaning the “n**gers that just keep coming” are, understandably, surprised when outside their barn hands start to come out of the ground. Hands attached to bodies. There’s snarling, growling and…wait...yes… WE HAVE ZOMBIES PEOPLE! WE HAVE FULL-ON ZOMBIES EATING THE RACIST ASSHOLES! (Including, hilariously, a long-dead Confederate Civil War soldier.) Well done, zombies.

In the modern day, we get an idea of what Spaulding, the house’s butler, likes to do in his free time, which is to play old-timey photographs and have wickedly creepy tea parties in a room full of dolls. Spaulding hears Fiona and Madison coming home and arrives in time to watch Fiona slice Madison’s throat open. Spaulding rolls Madison up into the carpet, per Fiona’s request. “I’ve always enjoyed our little talks together,” Fiona tells him. “Particularly since you lost your tongue. Makes you seem wiser, somehow.”

Just then, Fiona hears a window breaking out back and finds Queenie laying on the ground, gored through her stomach and weeping as the Minotaur rises behind her. Cut to Fiona, looking bloodied, bringing Cordelia to treat Queenie who is rapidly dying. Cordelia and Fiona argue over both of their attempts to see Marie as they try to heal Queenie using magic. Fiona fears that a war is beginning again. “I went there to show strength,” she tells Cordelia, “And you undermined me.” In Fiona’s bedroom, Delphine is terrified and confesses that Marie sent the Minotaur to kill her and that Queenie saved her. Fiona assures her that she knows and that the Minotaur isn’t coming back. How does she know?

Well, in Marie’s salon the next day, as Marie does up a neighborhood woman for free in preparation for the Mayor’s annual Halloween ball, a large box arrives delivered by “some freak who didn’t say a word.” Marie opens the box and screams, finding the Minotaur’s severed head. Oh, it is ON. Marie begins to plot when one of her compatriots tries to convince her not to begin war again, reminding her that it was Marie and Fiona’s Supreme who signed the original peace agreement in the late 60s that allowed the witches and the voodoo to coexist without fighting.

Oh, Minotaur. We hardly knew ye.

Back at the House, Kyle is still getting more out of the banging his head against the wall parts of life than anything else and Zoe is about at her wits’ end for what she’s done to him. She offers to make him some food and in the process finds a box of rat poison. You know, as you do. Figuring maybe there’s a way to Put All This Right, she mixes some into the oatmeal and then heads back upstairs to find Kyle missing and the front door wide open. Kyle is on the loose on Halloween, just as the kids are coming out for Trick or Treating. Because of course he is.

Meanwhile, Fiona is getting Delphine to help her get ready for Halloween. Delphine HILARIOUSLY has some outdated ideas about what “the end of harvest” means, including lighting the traditional bonfires and leaving out offerings to keep away demons, because people out of time are riots! Fiona, meanwhile, doesn't have the time to even deal with this shit and bring Delphine up to speed, not when she's got a holiday to celebrate. 

Werk.

Cordelia is missing her husband, Hank. Hank has told Cordelia that he is out of town on business in Baton Rouge. He’s not wrong, it’s just that business means having loud, screaming, sweaty sex with another woman that he met online in a hotel outside of town. During the naked afterglow, the two talk about Halloween and the girl wants to know what Frank was last year for Halloween. “I was a monster,” he tells her.

Subtle, guy.

Back at the house, Queenie is doing better, but there are problems. Three of them. Yes, kids – The Council has arrived, lead by Myrtle Snow who’s still “mad about Tartan.” Cordelia tells them that she’s got everything under control, the assault on Queenie was terrible but she’s doing better. Oh wait, that’s not why you’re here? Oh God. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking attempting to treat with Marie Laveau for fertility spells. Um. That’s not what you’re here for either? Basically, Cordelia sucks at playing anything close to her vest. No, the reason why the Council has arrived is because they were summoned by Nan, who believes Madison has been murdered because she can’t hear her thoughts anymore.

Judges Dowdy, Fabulous, and Dapper presiding. 

And it’s time for Witches Court! Hilariously, one of the three council actually acts as stenographer. They routinely question each of the women. Cordelia fucks it up again by basically admitting that she has no control over Madison. Zoe looks like she’s about ready to crack again. Queenie couldn’t give a shit. “If she’s dead, it’s probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a hand job or something,” she tells the Council. Nan, however, confesses that Madison was demonstrating new powers suddenly, a telling sign for a witch that is starting to become more powerful.

Back at the Hotel, Frank and the girl talk after their marathoning sex. She’s sweet, although clearly sheltered. She praises him for being “quite the world traveler, big shot USDA agent,” for having been to exotic places like San Diego. Apparently they met on a website for people who like to collect Thomas Kincaid paintings. She’s utterly smitten, praising him for not immediately asking for her nude pics. She really likes him and just asks that he doesn’t break her heart. He just smiles, holds her close, and pulls out a gun and shoots her through the head.

Back to Court! Myrtle Snow is not pleased with how Fiona has been comporting herself in her job. Fiona hasn’t been living up, not doing the things that a Supreme is supposed to do, is the only one who has been the last person to see a missing witch alive in this very house over the past 40 years, yadda yadda yadda.

To the Flashback! At the School in 1971, a young Fiona was able to convince the Council of the day that Anna-Lee went missing, possibly at the hands of Marie Laveau. The Council announces that Fiona will be the Supreme-elect after she begins the Tests of the Seven Wonders, a kind of Sorting Hat for this coven. Meanwhile, a young Myrtle is not pleased, muttering that she can’t believe Fiona is getting away with murder. As Fiona competes in the Tests, Myrtle concocts a plan – she’s noticed that young Spaulding always seems to be cleaning up after Fiona, so she enchants Spaulding’s tongue such that when the Council asks him about Fiona, he’ll have no choice but to tell the truth. Later that night, the girls all discover Spaulding in a bathroom with his tongue cut out and Fiona standing over him.

Back in 2013, Myrtle is clear that she wants Fiona to burn, calling the final witness – Spaulding. She reminds Spaulding that he’s been living under the rule of the witch who has abused him while making him brew her tea for 40 years. She tells Spaulding that he needs to only to write down the name of the witch who is responsible for severing his tongue. Spaulding calmly hands Myrtle a note – it reads “Myrtle Snow”. Turns out, back in 1971, Spaulding knew of Myrtle’s attempt to enchant him and took pre-emptive measures. Calling Fiona to the bathroom that night, he confesses that he has always loved her before cutting out his own tongue to save her.

Myrtle is… not pleased, screaming that Fiona keeps killing Supremes and getting away with it. And that’s when Cordelia drops the bomb – Madison wasn’t the next Supreme. The hallmark of a Supreme is “glowing, radiant health” and Madison had a secret heart murmur, making her ineligible.  Myrtle has been barking up the wrong proverbial tree all these years.

PWNED!

At Marie’s the spells and the drumming and the snakes are in full force yet once again as the kids take to the streets for Halloween. In a graveyard somewhere, bodies begin to rise from the ground.

Delphine is stern-talking the trick or treaters for being “street urchins” and stealing too much candy. The girls debate what’s happened to Madison and Zoe wants to go looking for her (and Kyle), but Fiona has warned them not to leave the House. Upstairs, Spaulding is back to playing his records and having his tea party, all the while getting dressed…in robes… and dresses. Oh Wait. This isn’t good. And that’s when we find out where Madison is – what’s left of her is a frozen corpse, left to attend Spaulding’s tea party while he picks out a new dress for her.

I mean, at this point, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but still. Ick. 

Somewhere in the city, Fiona and Cordelia drink in celebration and, slightly tipsy, agree to play a game where they each ask the other three questions. One of Cordelia’s questions is did Fiona kill Madison. “And no lying!” she tells her. Fiona lies straight through her teeth, saying she’s innocent and trying to get out of Cordelia who she thinks the new Supreme is. Later, Cordelia is feeling the after affects of all that alcohol and gets sick in the ladies room. As she comes out of a stall from throwing up, a figure in a hood waits for her, throwing some clear liquid into her eyes, which begins to burn Cordelia.

Back at the house, the cute boy from next door has brought over cookies, but not for Madison – they’re to thank Nan for her cake. Just then, knocking at the door. Delphine opens it to see the corpses of her three daughters joined by an entire lawn-full of zombies shambling toward the house.

And yes, that was FX just giving the middle finger all over the place to AMC. 

Recapping AHS: Kill Your Masters

Happy (belated) Halloween, everyone! To celebrate, here is the first of two recaps from the past two weeks of American Horror Story. Enjoy!

Fiona can’t sleep, so she wanders down to the liquor cabinet, as all good insomniacs do, to search for something to help. Along the way, she remembers Anna-Lee, the Supreme who ran the school in 1971 when she was a wee lass herself. Turns out Supremes aren’t born – they’re made through election and “mastery of The Seven Wonders.” Fiona believed she was ready to be the next Supreme, using as evidence that Anna-Lee had been fading, falling sicker with Diabetes and heart failure while Fiona was getting stronger.  Anna-Lee felt that Fiona wasn’t the right choice to be the Supreme. Fiona felt differently and decided to take things into her own hands by cutting open Anna-Lee’s throat in the living room of the school while Spaulding, the butler watched. The problem is, in modern times, Fiona is starting to resemble Anna-Lee way more than she does her younger self. She is still desperate to become younger and has made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

Elsewhere, Zoe has hunted down Kyle’s mother, a salt-of-the-Earth woman who smokes weed while talking with Zoe about how she misses her son, sleeping in his room now that he’s gone. Mom tells Zoe how Kyle was the one who took care of them both, on top of going to school and being a tutor and probably walking elderly ladies across the street and saving kittens from trees. She’s clearly miserable, confessing that she was actually about to kill herself out of grief when Zoe called her. Zoe tries to comfort her, promising that she’s see Kyle again.

"Again, like, in a totally not fundamentalist Christian kind of way."

Back at the school, the neighbors are moving in. The neighbors, BTW, include the requisite stud-muffin who takes off his shirt provocatively while moving heavy boxes while Queenie, Nan and Madison watch eagerly. The ogling is not unnoticed by the lad’s hyper religious mother. Upstairs meanwhile, Delphine is watching Barack Obama giving a speech and sobbing. “LIESSSSSSSSSSS!” she hisses at the TV when Fiona tells her about all the progress black people have made.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving us this scene.

Anyway, Delphine has to make a living in the modern world. Fiona has decided to make her the new Maid. As her first task, she berates Queenie when Queenie asks for a sandwich, calling her a “foul negress”. A fight almost breaks out until Fiona intervenes, deciding the best way to resolve this particular problem is to make Delphine Queenie’s “personal slave.” Oh Delphine – the future isn’t always bright, is it?

In the swamp, Misty cuddles on the bed with ZombieKyle and signs along to Stevie Nicks. Honestly, I kind of love these two together, more than Kyle and Zoe. The show is clearly going to force us to go with the boring pairing when this one is way more interesting. Either way, Zoe arrives to find that Kyle is mostly bodily healed, even if he’s still nonverbal. Misty wants them both to stay for dinner, probably because she’d like to talk more about Fleetwood Mac with someone other than a reanimated alligator, but Zoe insists that she has to get Kyle back to civilization. Misty tries to keep Kyle, but Zoe separates them, promising to come back for Misty. “No you won’t,” she mutters sadly to herself as they leave.

Nan and Madison are bringing a cake to the cute boy next door. Madison has dressed her best “I’m here to get laid” dress, but cute boy Luke seems impervious to her sexy talk, preferring to talk with Nan about the cake. It’s lemon cake, “I knew it was your favorite,” Nan tells him. Luke is totally into it, although his mother is quick to shoo the girls out, saying they’re on their way to church, despite it not even being Sunday. “You know that’s a crock of shit,” Madison tells them, seductively holding the cake knife. When the mother struggles with it, Madison causes the knife to go flying across the room and the curtains to spontaneous light on fire. “I didn’t know you could do that,” Nan says. “Neither did I,” Madison responds.

Cordelia is back at the doctor’s getting bad news. At the same time, so is Fiona. Both of them have concerning blood work. For Cordelia it means no baby. For Fiona, it means no elective surgery, and possibly something else. Later, as Fiona is contemplating her fate, she gets a visit from Joan Ramsey, the religious mother next store who has brought her a copy of the Bible, something she always does when she visits a new place. She’s not happy with the girls “invading” her property and dressed so scandalously that she fears for her son’s virginity. She also spills the beans about the knife and the curtains, which raises Fiona’s interest. Madison enters the room to taunt Joan, scaring her away. Fiona, however, wants a longer talk with Madison.

"I do what the Good Book tells me. Like judging people indiscriminately and casting stones."

Zoe, brain trust that she is, has brought Kyle to his old home, left him on the front porch and rings the doorbell. Apparently “The Monkey’s Paw” is not on the curriculum at Miss Robicheaux’s. Either way, Kyle’s mom is ecstatic to see her son again. Perhaps too much so. That night, Kyle lays in his bed and his mother is still trying to figure it all out. She sits next to Kyle, asking how it is that his body looks different than she remembers it. Why does she have such attention paid to her son’s body? That’s odd. But it doesn’t matter, she insists, laying next to him and kissing him lightly. Then more than lightly. Then moving her hand over his chest. Then farther down. Then OH DEAR GOD, PEOPLE – WE HAVE INCEST! WE HAVE MAJOR INCEST HAPPENING! OH GOD IS NOTHING SACRED?!?!

Cordelia has gone to the other side of the tracks to get a meeting with Marie Laveau. Marie is sitting on a throne (literally) made of gold and alligator bodies and bones and lots of other things. Awesomely, she’s also playing Solitare on her iPad. Loves it. Cordelia wants to know about Marie’s world-famous fertility spell. “You know that spell ain’t no picnic for anyone involved,” Marie warns. We see Cordelia led to a fire while Marie dances while eating the hottest pepper on Earth and throwing a mason jar of Cordelia’s husband’s “Baby gravy” over the fire while Cordelia is covered in the blood of a goat’s slit throat. Just Kidding! That’s what would have happened if Marie was feeling up to helping the daughter of her now-sworn enemy, Fiona.

"It's for the best. It takes days to get rid of White Eye."

Zoe gets a call from Kyle’s mother, saying Kyle’s come back but it’s not him. She then tells Kyle that she knows that she’s “been possessive” but it’s time for him to move on with his life, even if she knows that he needed it as much as she did. Kyle has moved from blank nonverbal to threatening nonverbal as his mother tries to begin the make outs with him again. “That girl doesn’t know how please you, not like I can,” she tells him as Kyle finally manages to remember the word for “NOOOOOOOO!” and grabs one of his sports trophies and begins to smash in his mother’s head. Later, Zoe arrives at Kyle’s darkened house to find a pulpy mother and a bloody Kyle.

Fiona and Madison are having brunch. Fiona is eager to teach Madison what she’s needs to know, telling her that she’s going to be the next Supreme. As a test, she tells Madison to make a man standing across the street walk into busy traffic. Madison manages it, though the man is unhurt when the cars stop around him.

At home, Queenie has made Delphine make her dinner, including Peach Cobbler. Delphine tries to tell Queenie to stop eating if she wants to even land a man before noticing something in the darkness outside. Suddenly the Minotaur appears at the window and begins to bang against the door with his horns. Delphine spills the beans that she’s not just some racist maid, but she begs Queenie to save her from the Minotaur in any case. Queenie cuts open Delphine’s palm and obsorbs some of the blood onto a towel before sending her upstairs for safety and then heading outside. Terrified, but strangely excited as well, Queenie lures the Minotaur to an alley behind the house. “You just wanted love, and that makes you a beast,” she tells it. “They called me that too, but that’s not who we are. We both deserve love like everyone else. Don’t you want to love me?” Because why not, American Horror Story? Why not also have necrophiliac bestiality in the episode about incest?

Availing ourselves fully of the "parental discretion advised" warning tonight, I see.

Madison and Fiona have been having quite the day, ending it now at a pool hall and cleaning up while drinking and flirting with men. For a coke-head, Madison can’t really hold her liquor. They come home boozy and Fiona lays her cards on the table – Madison is going to be the next Supreme. She knows because her exploration into surgery has revealed that she has terminal cancer, which she attributes to her powers waning because the new Supreme, Madison, is taking her lifeforce, just as she herself did to Anna-Lee 40 years ago. Madison wants to help Fiona, but Fiona doesn’t want to go out of life ugly, bald and on chemo. “I’ve led a disreputable life, but I’ve done it in style and I’ll die likewise,” she tells her. Fiona recognizes that she’s been a shitty Supreme, wasting her power on herself instead of promoting the other witches like Anna-Lee did.

Fiona admits that she cut Anna-Lee’s throat right where Madison is standing with this very knife. Fiona tries to give the knife to Maidson, asking her to do to Fiona what Fiona did to Anna-Lee. Madison struggles, insisting that she can’t and doesn’t want to and suddenly Fiona is opening Madison’s throat, just like Anna-Lee’s. Spaulding is even right back in the room, watching like before. Madison bleeds out all over her white dress and onto the white rug on the floor before collapsing onto it. Fiona looks equal parts horrified with herself and pleased. “Bury her deep,” she tells Spaulding. “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.”

Well, this didn't go as planned.

The Prestige That Comes With Ketchup

I know there's a lot going on in the world these days, but here's the real debate: Does a hot dog cry out for ketchup or mustard? I feel like we need both ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, but others disagree and feel like only ketchup is the way to go. I'm recapping two episodes this week, so settle in and pay attention.

During a meeting with Heinz Baked Beans and Heinz Ketchup in last week's episode, we learn that Beans doesn't want Heinz Ketchup meeting with SCDP because Ketchup is outselling Beans. After Ketchup leaves the meeting, Beans tells SCDP that under no uncertain circumstances are they to have any more meetings with Ketchup and that he only brought Ketchup in to keep things peaceful at work. Stan calls Peggy and tells her the lowdown as a funny story, but when Peggy relays the story to her boss, Ted, Ted sees an opportunity. He encourages Peggy to set up a meeting with Ketchup. Ted tells Peggy to put her friendship with Stan aside and think about her own advancement. Grow some balls, Peggy!

Heinz Ketchup. The condiment of choice for freckled scamps all across America!

Pete's having another affair, but this time it's not with a depressive who forgets him after her shock treatments, all Eternal Sunshine-like, nor is he lusting after a 15-year-old in driver's ed. In a Total Draper Move, he is of course having an affair with his neighbor, and he takes her to his apartment in the city. She Doesn't Understand How This Works, so she decides to leave her husband because she wants to be with Pete, and her husband beats her up. She flees to Pete and Trudy's, where Pete shows exactly 0 empathy for her and takes exactly 0 blame for her predicament. Pete only disrespects her more after her husband has assaulted her, and he makes it clear he doesn't want her, and Trudy takes charge and cleans her up, but not before she figures things out. The jig, she is up. Trudy tells Pete that they're done and she wants him to move out. Hell's bells, Trudy! I have always liked Trudy, and I enjoy that she's finally stopped publicly denying that she's married to a slimeball. Trudy has grown balls!

I am going to wash you out of my hair. With LIE soap.

Megan reveals to Sylvia Rosen that she had a miscarriage and she's feeling guilty because she was feeling relieved because she doesn't want to be pregnant and have a baby since her acting career is just starting to take off. Sylvia tells her she understands, and she seems a little relieved herself, because a baby might put a damper on that affair she's having with Megan's husband.

I understand there's this thing called "subtext" and the writers like to use it a lot in scenes like this one.

Lady Executive Peggy basically treats her underlings the way Don treated her, and they leave some feminine itching/cleanliness powder on her desk, complete with a joke prospectus. 

Things I'm over: Pete Campbell, finding a husband, respect from my coworkers, and this decade.

This week, Don and Pete are having a secret meeting with Ketchup in Pete's skeezy clandestine-hook-up-where-he's-living-now-that-Trudy-kicked-him-out bachelor pad. Ketchup suggests that they have the presentation at Pete's apartment, but Pete wants to get a hotel. Because that's what you do in a hotel room. Backroom deals and women you don't respect. Don and Pete decide to bring Stan on board to work on the secret Ketchup project. Creative geniuses that they are, they decide to call it "Project K." Don undermined Pete in a meeting with Jaguar last week, but this week Don and Pete are working together to undermine Ken Cosgrove's baked beans account.

Don's secretary, Dawn (no kidding), is conflicted about working at SCDP. She meets with her friend at a soda fountain and her friend tells Dawn she feels like SCDP is going to take advantage of her because she's their only black employee. At the office, Harry Crane's secretary, Scarlett, tells Dawn she has to leave work to get things done for Clara's birthday, and asks Dawn to punch her out when she leaves. Dawn is hesitant about helping Scarlett lie on her time card, but Dawn doesn't want to make ripples and so she agrees.

Joanie's mom is getting a make-over from Mary Kay by Joan's friend Kate. Joan's mom has stopped hating Joan and is really proud of Her Joanie being a partner in a Madison Avenue advertising firm. Good thing Mom doesn't know how Joanie got that job. Joanie would also like to sell you some Johnny Walker. Kate is tired of not being able to advance at Mary Kay, so she is interviewing with Avon.

Joan finds out Scarlett lied on her time card and had Dawn punch out for her. Scarlett tries to explain that she was organizing things for Clara's birthday, but Joan fires Scarlett. Scarlett runs away on her go-go boots, crying. Harry gets pissed because Joan fired Scarlett, and Harry tells Joan to reneg her firing. Joan refuses, but Harry orders Scarlett back to work. Then he sees Joan in the partners meeting and storms in. Harry threatens to leave and expresses bitterness about Joan's promotion and the reason behind it. Bert Cooper encourages Joan to keep Dawn because the industry wants to see firms employ people of Dawn's ethnicity, and Bert also encourages Joan to keep Scarlett, leaving Joan feeling undermined and insulted. Joan may technically be a partner, but her job description hasn't changed at all and she still has to defer to the male partners to make administrative staff decisions.

I am NOT on ANYONE's case about them getting paid for work they didn't do because of how I got promoted.

Kate takes Joan to a soda fountain which is equipped with phones that facilitate random hook-ups. The manager of the soda fountain hits on Kate and they all end up in a cab together.

In Susan Lucci news, Megan is on set of her soap (in this redonkulous maid costume), and she gets the news she gets to do a nekked scene with the leading man. Megan has to break the news to Don that she has to cheat on him for pretend. Don tells her he's not thrilled about it, but he won't be a jerk and stand in her way. Whatevs, Don. And yes, this is meta.

Cosgrove and Harry meet with Dow, trying to put a happy face on their napalm. Seems Dow is having some PR issues. They plan to force Joe Namath into some sing-a-long with Julie Andrews and John Wayne and call it "Broadway Joe." Brought to you by Dow Chemical. For real. Dow green-lights the idea, and Harry's stoked that he brokered a huge deal with a major client. Joe Namath dancing! What could possibly go wrong? I LOVE THE SMELL OF JOE NAMATH DANCING FOR NAPALM IN THE MORNING!! 

In awkward dinner conversation news, Don goes to dinner with Megan's co-star and her producer husband. Apparently, her producer and co-star are swingers and want to smoke bud with Don and Megan at their place to "see what happens." Megan's like, "Do you mean fondu?" and they're like, "If that's what you're into!" and Megan's like "What?" and they're like, "Group sex! Group sex with fondu!" and Megan is like "OMG. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE INNOCENT ONE!" 

They're taking that "Swinging Sixties" thing literally. Don does a good job of looking shocked, but you know Don's curious about Megan's co-star's ladybits and she's not an entirely unappealing piece of ass. Certainly he's done worse.  But he can't have sex with another woman with Megan in the room. Or with her watching! That's just not the kind of cheating he does! Awww, darn it. Then she'd know.

I'm sorry. My self-loathing doesn't extend to orgies.

Hubby seems very eager to swing with Don (ho-yay!) and the wacky Hollywood types do their best to convince Megan and Don to swing. Don's too into lady parts to be interested in studio exec peen, so the Drapers politely refuse. Still no reason to skip dessert. Fondu? Maybe that's Don's solution to a lasting marriage. Maybe Don should swing.

I'm totally fine with plain tobacco and he's completely satisfied with his current extramarital affair so...rain check?

Another awkward car ride away, Kate makes out with the soda fountain manager. Kate is married BTW. Then they go to a disco, where Joan feels even more left out. Joan is approached by an intoxicated Beatle and Joan gets some action. The next morning, Kate tells Joan that she envies her high-powered career as a lady executive. Since Joan is still functionally only head secretary, Joan reveals to Kate that being a female "executive" isn't what it's cracked up to me, but Kate is optimistic (and bubbly! and blonde!) and encourages her to make a power play at SCDP.

Bert and Roger tell Harry that his temper tantrum the day before showed "initiative," and they give him the full commission check for "Broadway Joe." They disappoint him by not offering him a partnership. He's pretty bitter about Joan sleeping her way to the top, so it remains to be seen if he gets tired of being unappreciated and grows some Peggy balls and leaves.

Come on! This is not the worst indignity Rich Sommer has suffered on cable television!

Project K presents their work to Ketchup. It's a decent campaign, but is on the whole a little lame. Project K leaves the hotel room and speak of the devil! It's Peggy! Peggy, Ted and another staffer are about to present to Ketchup. Don listens at the door while Peggy gives their presentation. She explains the difference between castsup and ketchup, which has always confused the hell out of me. OMG, thank you, Peggy! Ketchup buys Peggy's team's idea, which is, "Heinz. The Only Ketchup." 

At a diner after their presentation, Don, Pete and Stan are having drink. Cosgrove storms in, angry because Beans found out they were meeting with Ketchup and so he called Cosgrove, who denied it. Beans finds out the truth and tells Cosgrove he's done with SCDP. Cosgrove is pissed because he was left out of Project K and because they went behind his back and talked to Ketchup, and how he looks like a liar to Beans. Oh, that darn cat. She is out of le bag. 

Look on the bright side! At least you still get to work with me!

Joan puts Dawn in charge of the supply cabinet and the time cards. Dawn is thrilled, but Joan explains that it's a punishment

Don goes to the set and watches Megan film her "love scene," which is hardly what anyone would call graphic, and for some reason he is pissed. He follows Megan to her dressing room, berates her, and leaves her in tears. What an ass. Predictably, immediately after humiliating his wife at her place of employment, Don shows up at Lady Rosen's house and they do sex. I've taken to just looking away when Don cheats. 

I'm fucking your wife.

Harry is threatening to quit SCDP and it seems like Cosgrove is right behind him, and it would be interesting to see if Harry and Cosgrove would be willing to go work for Ted after Peggy betrayed Stan. Will Don get bored with Sylvia Rosen and bed the wifey half of the Swingin' Duo? Don't touch that dial! 

Fondu? 

Mad Men. AMC. 10 p.m. Eastern. Sundays.