Recapping AHS: Teaching an Old Head New Tricks

Second of two recaps! On the same day! Look how caught up I'm getting! Seriously, more coming soon. 

Everyone, remember back in the halcyon days when our fathers would take us on hunting trips in the woods and give us our first taste of coffee and show us what it meant to be a man? Yeah, that’s what Hank went through in 1991 when his father took him on his first hunt, calming his nerves and telling him that he won’t miss when the time comes because their family has been hunters for generations. And speaking of which, let’s go back us a witch! (you didn’t think this was about deer, did you?) Long story short, dear old dad and Hank hunted down a witch, which means a frightened young woman who lived alone in the hills but Hank couldn’t shoot her when she began to beg for her life, leaving that task to dad. “No mercy,” Hank was told. “Never forget what they are.”

In fairness, she's not doing herself any favors, presentation-wise.

In the modern day, Fiona has had it, you guys. She brings Delphine’s head, still in its box, to Marie’s hair parlor and demands that they talk. Sidebar, I kind of love how put out Jessica Lange plays this, as if another head in a box is just the errand she didn't want to have to deal with today. Delphine’s body is still in its cage in the back and waves at Fiona. Fiona tells Marie that she wants an alliance and for the Coven and the Tribe to join because the witch-hunters have arrived. Marie however sees this as their problem, one that’s likely to be taken care of sooner rather than later given that Fiona is clearly dying.

At the academy, Myrtle recalls Fiona bringing a young Cordelia to study at the academy and tells the adult version that she doesn’t want Cordelia to think that she’s the one who blinded her. Cordelia says she knows that Fiona set Myrtle up, but the witch-hunters are a bit higher priority right now kthanx.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Hank has gone to see his father at his “firm” Delphi Trust which is really a cover for their witch-hunting operations. Hank is dealing with some pseudo-sibling rivalry given that Dad, powerful corporate titan that he is, has given the second in command position to another person, David, instead of his son. Hank has been “sloppy” with New Orleans and aligning himself with Marie Laveau was not a smart plan. Dad has had to cover up the murder of Kaylee (turns out Hank used a credit card to book that hotel room. Fool.) and reveals that Delphi was actually behind the attack on Cordelia.

At the academy, Myrtle is holding a fancy dinner party just for her and the other two members of the council. The council members have “such terrible regrets” over the misunderstanding that resulting in her untimely burning and murder. This is all done over melon balls and other fineries, so it’s quite civilized. They want to know all about Misty. Myrtle draws a comparison to the persecution Misty has felt with her own, which she clearly places at the feet of the other council members. Halfway through a toast, the council members find themselves unable to move, Myrtle having laced the melon balls with monkswood which has caused paralysis. “it’s supposed to be quite terrifying,” Myrtle says. But she’s done this not for revenge, but for Cordelia, as she plunges the melon baller into each of their eyes.

If you've got to go in a horrific way, it may as well be with a crazy Francis Conroy yelling at you in a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Later, upstairs, Myrtle unwraps a bandage from Cordelia’s head to reveal that she now has two mismatched eyes, one brown and one blue, and has regained her ability to see, but lost her gift. Fiona is amazed to see what’s happened and wants to know who the donors were who gave up their eyes? Myrtle says they wish to be anonymous. Which is technically true, given that we see Myrtle earlier dismembered the bodies gleefully.

Zoe and Madison find Nan in the hospital, banned from Luke’s room by his mother. Mother tries to have them removed when they enter the room, but Nan begins to tell Mother what Luke is thinking, even despite being unconscious. Mother doesn’t believe her until Nan recounts stories that only Mother and Luke could know. Mother weepily allows Nan to stay with them.

Queenie meanwhile has taken it upon herself to engage Delphine’s head in a little “sensitivity training” in her bedroom by forcing Delphine, who can’t move due to having no body, to do nothing but watch Roots, Mandingo, The Color Purple, and B.A.P.S., the last of which definitely qualifies as torture and should reserve Queenie a place in The Hague for crimes against humanity. Delphine closes her eye and sings “Dixie” as loud as she can.

"I'm less moved by your pain and suffering, more frustrated that my nose has itched for the last two hours."

In his hotel room, Hank is suddenly wracked with pain when a man enters telling him that Marie Laveau sends her regards and will continue to do so unless the white witches die tonight. In the greenhouse, Misty and Cordelia listen to Stevie Nicks and mix up some muddy potions, bringing a long-dead plant back to life, when Hank appears, drunk, but visibly pleased that Cordelia has her sight back. Hank tells Cordelia that his life has no meaning without her and begs for her to take him back. Too late, Hank – Cordelia has already filed for divorce.

Gathering the last of his things upstairs, Hank is confronted by a snarling German Shepherd that Fiona has gotten for protection. Hank says that’s why he’s here, but Fiona mocks him. The dog notices something strange in one of the rooms and when Fiona opens the door she sees Kyle sitting on the floor reading a kid’s book. “Another goddamn boy,” Fiona mutters. “Jesus, these girls…” The dog licks Kyle’s face and Kyle, in return, completely drops a bridge on the adorable thing and snaps the dog’s neck. Note to the writers: As a German Shepherd owner THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! At any rate, the girls soon return home to find Fiona playing gin rummy with a very verbal Kyle, whom she has “spruced up”, and losing. Fiona has decided that Kyle is the best guard dog they could have.

I'm putting this here because fuck you, show - you do not get to add a German Shepherd only to have it die horribly literally once scene later. Not cool. 

At Luke’s hospital bed, Mother tells Nan that she’s a miracle and she can’t thank her enough. Nan has restored Mother’s faith in God. Nan relays that Luke is telling her that there is a God, but He’s judging Mother for having murdered Luke’s father which totally doesn’t come as a shock, right? I mean, the woman gave her son a forced chlorox enema because he talked to a girl. We're not dealing with someone who defaults to logic a lot. Mother insists that her husband died of an allergic reaction, but in a flashback we see that she killed him when she found out he was having an affair with a member of Mother’s book club. This pretty much kills any goodwill between Mother and Nan, obvi, and Mother orders Nan to leave the room, irrespective of whether or not Luke's consciousness is whispering truth-y things to her in her ear.

Actually, this was just them geeking out over the latest True Blood episode, but you get the point. 

At Marie Laveau’s, Queenie is plotting more ways to open Delphine’s bigoted mind when Hank suddenly bursts in, guns literally blazing. He murders each of Marie’s workers (all black, natch) one by one, including Queenie before heading to the back to take out Marie herself. Queenie not done herself, however, manages to get a gun, put it into her own mouth and shoot, causing Hank’s brains to blow out the back of his head.

Later, in his offices, Hank’s father weeps over pictures of his dead son. At the hospital, Luke finally begins to wake and weakly accuses his mother of murdering his father. “Go back to sleep,” she tells him, placing a pillow over his head and pushing down.

And at the Academy, the front door knocks. Fiona answers to see Marie, whom she invites in.