Enough Phantom. There Is Other Broadway.

Hello, chickens. What have you to say for yourselves? I've been mainlining Elementary and Gracepoint for my Murder Thursdays, but most of my attention has been concentrated on watching bunch of figure skating. A. Bunch. Of. Figure. Skating. The return of figure skating season, of course, means the return of commentary by Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski. 

Hello, darlings. Did you miss me?

What can I say about the overall theme of the Grand Prix of Figure Skating? Well, if you're super patriotic and you're looking to watch Americans succeed, perhaps this isn't the sport for you. 

Oh. I still have this on my hard drive. Do not even think for a moment I would delete this.

I freely admit that I am a bit hard on Ashley. I think she is overrated and I find her competent but not terribly interesting. I much prefer Gracie Gold (who has withdrawn from the Grand Prix final due to an injury), and skaters with less brouhaha surrounding them, like Mirai Nagasu and Samantha Cesario. Anyway. Enough about me. To the skaters.

Ladies' Singles

As was the case in Sochi earlier this year, the story is Russia, Russia, Russia. Four of the six ladies' finalists are Russian. They are ranked as follows: 

1. Elena Radionova

2. Elizaveta Tuktamysheva 

3. Anna Pogorilaya

4. Gracie Gold (W)

5. Yulia Lipnitskaya

6. Crashley Ashley Wagner

7. Rika Hongo (JPN)

Anyway, Ashley has more to contend with than the Russian ladies if she wants to find her way up onto that podium. Her teammate Gracie Gold has withdrawn, but Gracie actually got a gold medal in a Grand Prix event this season, and while Ashley qualified, she has not won any event. Gold's replacement, Rika Hongo, is someone Ashley needs to be concerned about. Forget beating the Russians -- the Japanese ladies' field is DEEP. DEEP LIKE A DEEP DISH PIZZA PIE ON A TUESDAY.  Rika is an amazing skater in the vein of the awesome Mao Asada and IMHO she has more of a chance to contend with the Russian girls than Ashley does. She is technically and artistically pretty sound, and she beat the Russian girls at home at the Rostelecom Cup just a few weeks ago.  No, she is not the complete package yet, but look out Pyonchang in 2018. Rika is my dark horse pick to win the Grand Prix final.

Yes, mama.

Elena Radionova has a gold medal from the 2014 Skate America and 2014 Trophee Eric Bompard. 

Elizaveta Tuktamysheva won the bronze medal at the 2013 European Championships and won gold at the 2014 Nebelhorn Trophy.  

Anna Pogorilaya placed first at Skate Canada and Cup of China. 

Rika Hongo placed first at the 2014 Rostelecom Cup and received the bronze medal at the 2014 Finlandia Trophy. She replaces Gracie Gold, who won a gold medal at the NHK Trophy, and bronze medals at Skate Canada and Nebelhorn Trophy. 

Yulia Lipnitskaya placed second at the 2014 Rostelecom Cup and also won silver at the Cup of China. The darling of the Sochi Games, Miss Thing has found herself some real competition in Elena Radionova. It's a good thing she's found something to light a fire under her, because homegirl has mad talent, but she has been falling all over the place since the team competition in Sochi. Get your head in the game, Yulia! 

Ashley Wagner is the silver medalist from the 2014 Skate Canada and the bronze medalist for the 2014 Trophee Eric Bompard. 

My overall comment on the Russian ladies is thus: They are good. They are very, very good. My favorite of the Russian girls, Alena Leonova, did not qualify, but you should totes check out her Charlie Chaplin routine from Skate Canada. Supes cute. I sort of find Elena Radionova and Yulia Lipnitskaya to be very similar in terms of technique and choreography. Elena thus far has been a bit more consistent, and Yulia kind of falls apart under the pressure. Anna Pogorilaya I feel is a bit overrated, because I don't feel her programs have been entirely clean, but I also realize that the judging doesn't severely penalize a lot of minor mistakes. That said, she is technically advanced. The only time her program actually grabbed me was earlier this year at Skate Canada, and at Cup of China she was artistically and technically meh. So we will see.

There was a lot of good skating during the Grand Prix series, and a lot of talented skaters who didn't qualify for the final. 

May I have a moment before I move on to the men?

ENOUGH WITH PHANTOM. ENOUGH ALREADY. ENOUGH PHANTOM MEDLEYS. ENOUGH PHANTOM ROUTINES. ENOUGH. 

Quoth the Tara, "There is other Broadway." See what you've done? You've upset Tara! 

There, there, Tar-Tar. Johnny will comfort you. 

If you aren't aware, the Powers That Be in the figure skating community have changed the rules and they are allowing all the skaters to perform to music with lyrics. I'm not entirely sold on this concept yet, but I think the idea would get more steam if people stopped doing fucking Phantom. I mean it. Everyone did Phantom, and the first year they let you use lyrics, what do you do? PHANTOM WITH BLOODY LYRICS. WHY???? When there is Chicago! Like. I mean. Why. Just a little more variety here, people. That's all I'm sayin'. 

Okay. The dudes.

Men's Singles

The leaders after the Grand Prix events 

1. Maxim Kovtun (RUS)
2. Javier Fernandez (SPN)
3. Tatsuki Machida (JPN)
4. Takahito Mura (JPN)
5. Sergei Voronov (RUS)
6. Yuzuru Hanryu (JPN)

As you can see, the Japanese men are pretty much dominating the field in terms of numbers in the Grand Prix final. Gold medalist Yuzuru Hanryu has been struggling since the Cup of China, after a hilarious unfortunate collision with a Chinese skater.

I'm looking for Javier Fernandez or Maxim Kovtun to win this event. Have I told you how much I love Maxim Kovtun? I effing love Maxim Kovtun. Look how adorable he is. Look at his little Spiderman jammies.

Javier Fernandez is awesome and does quad after quad. But he does not have Spiderman jammies. Thus, I pick Maxim. Well, really, I think it could go to any of these guys. I really love Javier and Maxim, but the Japanese men are very technically sound. I'm not a huge fan of the Japanese men. For me, they are kind of like Elena Radionova and Yulia Lipnitksaya -- very similar technique, music, and costumes. I don't see a whole lot of uniqueness among any of them, and I'd like some of them to start standing out artistically. However, I do like Daisuke Murakami, who trains with Gracie Gold and Frank Carroll, but skates for Japan. To me, he stands out a little more with a bit of his own style. Unfortunately, he did not qualify for the final, in spite of winning the gold medal at the NHK Trophy, so I'm hoping Maxim or Javi take gold. 

But no more Phantom. Seriously, you guys.

No. Just...no. (And no, that is not Charlie White.)

Pairs

1. Ksenia Stolbova/Fedor Klimov (RUS)
2. Meagan Duhamel/Eric Radford (CAN)
3. Yuko Kavaguti/Alexander Smirnov (RUS)
4. Peng Cheng/Zhang Hao (CHN)
5. Sui Wenjing/Han Cong (CHN)
6. Yu Xiaoyu/Jin Yang (CHN)

The highest-ranking American pair, Haven Denney and Brandon Frazier, came in eighth overall, and did not earn a spot in the final. They are the second alternate for the final.  

For me, the pairs event is pretty up in the air. Stolbova and Klimov are the top-ranked pair, but they have Canadians Duhamel and Radford hot on their heels. However, I've watched all of these pairs this season and I feel the top two are pretty evenly matched. I mean, we're not looking at the difference between two Rob Lowes here

so the pairs event is anyone's game. If Stolbova and Klimov skate clean, they will win. But then again, if Duhamel and Radford skate clean, they will win. Or, it's entirely possible one of the lower ranked teams will come out swinging and end up with the gold. If I had to bet money, I'd put it on the Russians coming in first and the Canadians second, but anything can happen in competition.

Ice Dance

Okay, may I start with how utterly and completely blown away I was by the French pair of Papadakis and Cizeron?

I just can't even with these two. I just can't. He is so handsome, and she looks so much like Liberty Leading the People, and they are just ethereal. They came out of nowhere this season to win both the Cup of China and the Trophee Eric Bompard. 

If they skate the way they've skated this season, you will understand what I mean. Their free dance is so gorgeous, if it does not move you to tears, then you are dead inside. DEAD I TELL YOU.

However, it's not like this is a runaway. Like the Olympics, the only area where the Americans are excelling is in the ice dance. Madison Chock and Evan Bates of the United States are ranked first, with the Shibutani siblings also qualifying for the final. The rankings going into the final are as follows:

1. Madison Chock/Evan Bates (USA)
2. Kaitlyn Weaver/Andrew Poje (CAN)
3. Gabrielle Papadakis/Guillaume Cizeron (FRA)
4. Maia Shibutani/Alex Shibutani (USA)
5. Piper Gilles/Paul Poirier (CAN)
6. Elena Ilinykh/Ruslan Zhiganshin (RUS)

And featuring Johnny Weir as Sparkly Loki! 

Like the Olympics, the only event where the Americans have a chance to win anything is the ice dance. Madison Chock and Evan Bates are the top-ranked ice dance pair, and they have every reason to expect a win in the Grand Prix. 

The Grand Prix of Figure Skating starts Friday at 8 p.m. on Universal Sports and at various times on NBC. It runs the whole weekend. I recommend Universal Sports for more complete, if tape delayed, coverage. I've been promised that Johnny and Tara will commentate. 

I leave you with pictures of Johnny Weir.

The Bride of Tarastein.

I give you evil alien Star Trek queen realness.

A star is born! 

Fosse, Fosse, Fosse!

The XXII Winter Olympiad

OMG BOB COSTAS LOOKS LIKE QUASIMODO YOU GUYS.

I know it might come as a big surprise to all of you, but I'm a huge geek about the Olympics. Is there any better way to chastise yourself for being a lazy slob than by watching insanely good-looking and fit people compete for medals in insanely difficult sports? WHILE YOU SIT ON THE COUCH AND SHOVE PIZZA INTO YOUR FACE? No. No, there is not. My post will be mostly photos since I'm sick right now and it's easier for me to click my mouse and upload photos and write snarky captions than it is for me to post a bunch of text. So, if you hate clipart, this is your warning to get out now. 

Curse that Yulia Lipnitskaya! Curse her! 

I can't get enough of that. 

The XXII Winter Olympiad is taking place in Сочи, Россия. If you aren't old still butthurt about Sputnik, I invite you to tune in. 

Sputnik is kicking your ass at figure skating, too.

First, let's talk about the opening ceremony. Aside from the slight mishap of the now-infamous Snowflake Malfunction aka Snowflake Gate aka Snowflake Meltdown, I enjoyed the opening ceremony.  I really liked the War and Peace ballet, but I am a dance geek and I took several years of dance so I loved it. IT'S THE FREAKING BOLSHOI, PEOPLE. And look, you've been saved actually having to slog through War and Peace. And what would  you rather see in dance form? Tolstoy or the Book of Mormon? I thought so.

Because shit never goes wrong in live productions.

And I'm sorry, America. You're not allowed to stage a ballet production of Natasha's ball. You'd turn everyone into zombies. 

You know you would.

The trip through Russian history was really creatively staged, although my one quibble was that I don't think Peter the Great was ever that nattily dressed. From what I understand, dude had sartorial issues. I wasn't totally in love with the jellyfish Swan Lake costumes, but it was a creative way to light up the dancers in a way that allowed them to move. 

This is what we did to Swan Lake, you guyz. 

At least Russia didn't subject the world to square-dancing Mormons. 

Seriously, America. Seriously. 

I also enjoyed the avant-garde-cum-Bauhaus Soviet set pieces.

Some people on the internet felt like the ceremony glossed over and romanticized a touchy part of Russia's history. Good thing Americans would never do that.

Like ever. 

And anyway we're used to much higher quality programming.

My favorite part of the opening ceremony was the Cyrillic alphabet opening. It was all so lovely and classy. Хорошо.

Bouncy castle FTW. 

If you couldn't find 'Murika in the Parade of Nations, or were confused about why we came in after Zimbabwe, I can offer you some handy and non-condescending (I promise) assistance. 

The Cyrillic alphabet consists of 33 letters. There used to be more, but Lenin got rid of them. The old style letters are still used by the Russian Orthodox church, much like how the Roman Catholic church still uses Latin. Абвгдеёжзийклмнопрстуфхцчшщъыьэюя. The United States is Соединённые Штаты Америки. So, as you can see, C = S and it falls right about in the middle of the alphabet there, after Zimbabwe (Зимбабве). 

But these...no. 

On to the events. As you may be aware, the Russians won the team figure skating event, which was held for the first time ever. Canada earned silver and the U.S. of A. earned bronze, thanks to an awesome short dance by Meryl Davis and Charlie White (who are from MICHIGAN) and solid performances by Jason Brown for the men and Gracie Gold and Ashley Wagner for the ladies. But there was no catching the Russians.

A Russian pairs' team won gold every year between 1964 and 2010, the only year they lost. So...no pressure.

Biathlon

This is an event I haven't really paid much attention to in the past, but is very interesting for the modern Nordic elf: the biathlon. The biathlon is basically Lord of the Rings but on skis. 

Quick, Legolas! Frodo needs your help getting to Hot Cocoa Mountain!

The biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. I feel like this is something the Viking gods inventing after having too much grog at a festival during the Vimblewinter. Seriously, isn't shooting a rifle while skiing something you do when you're very drunk? Anyway, it's awesome and fascinating.

We will settle this dispute on the track of our forefathers at the biathlon! To Sochi!

Short Track

Despite my hatred for Apollo Ohno, his greasy hair, and his soul patch, I have always liked short track. One athlete to watch from the U.S. is J.R. Celski, who is from the Seattle area. One Russian athlete who has caught my attention due to his really sad and kind of puzzling story is Viktor Ahn. Ahn is originally from South Korea, but is skating for Russia after leaving the Korean short track federation. Ahn's won a bronze for Russia, but Sang Hwa Lee of Korea has won a gold medal in the ladies' speedskating. This is really an event to watch the Koreans, in both the ladies' and men's divisions. 

Have you been sneaking into the ENCOM program?

Hockey

HOCKEY!!!

Figure Skating

I invite everyone to tune in the figure skating competition. The U.S. is not -- I repeat -- NOT going to dominate the FS events, but if you are a fan of the sport, you will see some really great skating from athletes from all over the world. Plus, come on. You gotta watch Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski commentate. You just gotta.

Tara: What do you think about you and I coming back as a pairs team?

Johnny: I enjoy being thrown.

From what I saw from the team event, the U.S. doesn't have much of a shot at a gold medal in anything but ice dancing, but Gracie Gold might pull out a silver or bronze in the ladies' competition. It really all depends on what happens the night of competition. We haven't seen the young Polina Edmunds skate on the Olympic ice yet, but she did well at U.S. Nationals and placed third over all. I'm expecting Ashley Wagner to finish in fourth or fifth place. Jason Brown MIGHT MIGHT place high in the men's competition. He's very artistically expressive and an entertaining skater to watch, but he doesn't have a quad and the men's field is so strong right now. But you gotta gotta gotta see his Riverdance free skate. Yevgeny Plushenko is back to attempt another gold medal at the age of 31, and based on his performance in the team event, there's no reason why he can't win. Plus he's hilarious.  However, I am sad that Maxim Kovtun wasn't appointed to the Russian Olympic team. He's an awesome skater and totes adorbz.  I don't think either of the U.S. men will medal, but they are very fine skaters. Look for Patrick Chan (CAN) and Daisuke Takahashi (JPN) to round out the medals in the men's singles.

River this dance, bigez.

The pairs' team of Castelli and Shnapir skated solid short and free programs in the team event, and while I don't think they can beat the Russian or German teams, they are a good young team with a great future. The pairs short dance was held Tuesday, with the Russian team of Volsozhar and Trankov easily ranking first with a short dance that screams Anna Karenina to me. They and the German team of Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy are favorites to win the gold.

Yeah, I can totally fix the sink when I'm done here. Two seconds.

For ice dancing, the big rivalry is between Canadians Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue and Americans Davis and White. *Ahem* And this is painful. Go...Blue. There, I said it. 

If you drop me, I swear. I bloody swear.

The teams themselves train together in the Ann Arbor area, but they are the two top ice dancing teams in the world right now. There was a silly rumor on the internet from a French newspaper, claiming that a Russian insider told the paper that the Russians and the Americans were conspiring to help the Russians win the team event so the Americans could win the ice dancing. 

The Russian skaters don't need help winning shit. Neither do Davis and White. Also, keep an eye on little Yulia Lipnitskaya. I've been watching Miss Thing this season, and her performances of her short and free skate at the team competition were the best I've seen her perform both routines. Her Schindler's List free skate was breathtaking during the team competition. Anything can happen in competition, so there may very well be a Russian upset against the heavily favorite Yu Na Kim (KOR). I heard a statistic the other day that I could not believe until I looked it up on Wikipedia and Wikipedia does not lie: No Russian woman has ever won a gold medal in ladies' singles. Ever. Will Yulia be the first? The gold is kinda hers to lose right now.

Obviously, there are many events I haven't mentioned here. I'm also a big fan of the luge (LUUUUGGEE), bobsled, speedskating, super G, super combined, Alpine skiing and ski jumping. They're even letting the LADIEZ participate in the ski jumping event in the Olympics now, despite the known risk to their uteri (which is... none). 

If you want to watch a lot of the Olympics and not just highlights, I'd recommend that you watch online on nbcolympics.com. Or if you have cable, head over to NBC Sports Network. You can watch regular old NBC, but they are only showing highlights and focusing on American athletes. Plus Matt Lauer is hosting for Bob Costas for a few days. So that should at least up your snark-o-meter. 

The problems that people had upon arriving seem to have been addressed, and barring a figure skating scandal a la 2002, this promises to be a successful Olympics. 

#SochiDetroitProblems

Since the Olympics are open to almost every country, that means every country that participates gets a chance to host. How else can people interact with people from other parts of the world, and maybe change minds or attitudes (and it goes both ways) if everyone just stays home? Personally, I'd like to be able to travel abroad without having to tell people I'm from Canada, so if the U.S. could be a little less judgey and bomby and a little more leading by example, it would be appreciated, I think, by everyone. Every country that gets the Olympics also gets the ParaOlympics, and by having them in Russia, this may bring some attention to the fact that disabled Russians are in desperate need of policy change from their government. I'm an incurable optimist, so you never know. Most of the Russians cheering at these events are proud of their athletes and they should be. No country is perfect. Except maybe Canada.

Eh. Maybe not.

What the Olympics are all about.

Also, I want these hoodies:

Next Olympics in 2018 is in Pyonchang, South Korea. Prepare your horse dance, my friends. You will be judged on technical points and grade of execution.

Bridezillas!

This past weekend, I traveled with some friends to Chicago to visit another friend who is enrolled in a grad program at Northwestern.

Spoiler alert: it was cold. 

Mind numbingly cold. And snowy. But surprisingly not that windy. Huh. Anyhoodle, spending a lot of time outside my friend's apartment wasn't really on our agenda, but we managed to get ourselves bundled up and on the El on Sunday morning for a drag brunch at the Kit Kat Club. The food was yummy, the drag queens were fierce, and the martinis? Were HALF OFF. 

So, yeah.. We all got a bit toasted. 

I'm not sure how we got on the subject of the television show Bridezillas--maybe it was because my Chicago-based friend is getting married later this year, or maybe because we were talking about trashy reality tv in general. But in any event, after returning to the Rogers Park apartment, we switched on Netflix, curled up on the couch, and five grown adults spent about 8 hours doing nothing but watching Bridezillas while the alcohol slowly worked its way through out bodies. 

This show is everything wonderful and everything horrible all wrapped up into one. 

The concept is simple: cameras follow around a bride during the week leading up to her wedding documenting every incident of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse she spews at the people around her. The brides seem to come from all over, but they all have one thing in common: they are horrible people. Nobody is safe from the bridezillas ire, certainly not her groom, parents, bridal party, and any vendors unlucky enough to have contracted to provide a service for the wedding day. 

Watching this show raises so many questions. Why would this man marry this woman? How can her parents allow her to speak to them like that? Why are these people her friends? Why would ANYONE hired by these women not just tell them to go fuck themselves and walk away?

Any most importantly, why am I watching this?

It's like a train wreck--you cannot look away. Objectively, you acknowledge that these people are horrible and that you are actually part of the problem; by watching the show you are providing incentive for the brides to act like trolls. But subjectively, it's just flat-out entertaining. Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves? Whatever the reason, 8 episodes of Bridezillas didn't feel like enough and we could have gone on for much longer. 

 "Why don't people just give me everything I want when I want it and for free? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME HIT YOU!

I must point out that the best part of Bridezillas is actually the snarky commentary provided by the female narrator. The producers are definitely in on the joke and take every opportunity to belittle and humiliate the "ladies" on the show. I think our favorite example was when a certain zaftig bride was trying to wedge herself into a narrow manicure chair. "Apparently nobody in the bridal party thought to bring a shoe horn or bacon grease," commented the narrator. OH SNAP. Also? Awesome.

So, if you ever need a self-esteem boost, want to laugh at the most heinous women on earth, or just need a mind-numbing activity to engage in (preferably while drunk), Bridezillas is the show for you!

This charming young lady, Danyelle, is a 19 year old "student" bride who got so drunk the morning of her wedding, she could barely climb the stairs to put on her wedding dress. She also stole her groom's credit card, took the last $300 from his bank account, and chose as her wedding theme (I shit you not), "Bros and Bro-Hoes." Here is an interview with Danyelle.

Bridezillas airs on WE (check the schedule) and past episodes can be viewed on Netflix or the show's website. 

I'M THE BRIDE, BITCH

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS!!!!

YOU.

GUYS. 

LAURA EFFING TYLER WON FACE/OFF LAST NIGHT. LEGIT. SHE WON. 

About friggin' time. 

Last week, to much feathers, fanfare, and aplomb  (well, maybe not so much with the fanfare but there were feathers and aplomb aplenty), Tate, Laura, and Roy became the last three Face/Off Season 5 contestants. They went on to compete in the finale for a grand prize of cash, cars, make-up, and an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet. Because birds.

It was a little nail-biting toward the beginning of last week's episode, because I wasn't sure if the three people I wanted to be in the finale would get there. Things came together in the end for our intrepid make-up designers. As expected, Miranda couldn't take the pressure and didn't time manage effectively, and so she was eliminated. 

The challenge last week was to create a human/bird hybrid. 

Tate won that challenge, and Roy narrowly edged out Miranda for a spot in the finale. As you may recall, during Roy's season, he lost a spot in the finale due to Nicole, who ultimately won. I think most people could admit that Nicole has some skillz, but did she really deserve to be in that finale, and did she really deserve to win? I don't think so, and I think most fans are in agreement with me on this. 

So, onward to the finale. 

For the final challenge, THE FOWL THEME CONTINUES. There will be more feathers! I say MOAR FEATHERS, son. I say, I say. MOAR FEATHUZ. 

I was very into this finale, because not only was I pulling for Laura throughout and this was right up her alley, but I really liked the challenge itself. The finalists were tasked to create a swan and an evil sorcerer look that would be applied to ACTUAL BALLET DANCERS from the Los Angeles City Ballet. These make-ups had to stand up to a specially choreographed performance of Swan Lake. 

Bad things will happen to you if Laura doesn't win. Very bad, very bad things.

Onward to the challenge! 

The first day, the finalists wake up and are treated to a Skype call with their loved ones. Roy talks to his wife; Tate talks to his parents, who look like the most adorable pair of aging hippies ever; and Laura, wearing what I can only assume is a leather vest that she picked up off Tate's floor that morning (SHIPPING!!!),  talks to her mom and husband. D'awww! Seriously. That vest with the chains on it. Yeah, that way belongs to Tate.

I may need hugs.

At the workshop, Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore informs the neophytes of their final challenge. Then, they're allowed to pick teams comprised of the last six eliminated contestants. They are instructed to choose one vet and one newbie. Laura goes immediately for Miranda (duh). Miranda can't take the heat, but she's a damn good sculptor. Her newbie is Eddie. On Team Tate, it's Alana and Lima. On Team Roy, it's Frank and Scott.  It's kinda too bad that Laney walked out, because she does have talent and she might have made a difference in Roy or Tate's looks.

The swan and sorcerer have to take on the theme of a certain time period.  Their choices are: Industrial Revolution, The Roaring 20s, the Italian Renaissance, and the Ming Dynasty. Laura takes Renaissance, Tate takes Industrial Revolution and Roy takes Ming Dynasty. I don't know why they all avoided the Roaring 20s theme like the plague because they could totally have done an Art Deco thing, unless they were afraid the only thing they could think of for that would be a Tom Buchanan sorcerer casting a spell on a helpless Daisy swan. Or maybe they'd make an F. Scott Fitzgerald swan with the sorcerer being a giant bottle of gin. Oh, the possibilities. They are endless.

I'll buy her from you, old sport.

Roy, I felt, was the underdog in this challenge. He struggles to come up with a concept on Day 1. He comes up with a sorcerer who looks not unlike Confucius, but comes up with a mechanical/automaton swan. This is really a huge step out of Roy's comfort zone, and the two other dudebros on his team aren't much help. The clock's a-tickin' and they start sculpting, even with a kind of weak concept. Team Laura gets a head start with a solid concept by Laura. On Team Tate, the concept is still a little vague, and he has some issues with Lima and her feather effect sculpt. Papa Westmore stops by to hand out some fatherly advice, and it's onto Day 2.

Day 2 starts bright and early, and Roy decides to change his concept.because he feels like his mechanical swan is too much like Tate's steam punk swan. Tate's changed his concept a little bit and sets aside Lima's work from the day before. Laura and Miranda, meanwhile, are booking right along with her sculpts, and Laura sends Eddie to the mold room to start casting. Things go wrong for Roy on the swan's cowl. He sent Scott to mold it, and Roy can't get it out of the mold. So, Scott will have to remold and recast the cowl on Day 3. 

On Day 3, Laura molds her cowls, and Roy starts fabricating.his armor. His armor is really cool, but there's really no way a dancer can move in that. On Team Tate, Alana is trying to open the mold for the cowl, and she finds that the mold didn't turn out. The inside of the mold is full of holes, and he's worried about the overall look of the swan.  It turns out in the end that he didn't need to worry about his swan, because his swan was awesome. But, it cost him time to work on the sorcerer, and his sorcerer didn't turn out as well as it could have. Laura had issues with the edges on her cowl, so she and Miranda spent some extra time cleaning the edges, and Laura decided to hide some of the edges with a pearl necklace she found. 

We're just going to add a little bling to this evil spell you're under, m'kay?

Everything more or less comes together in last looks, although Tate is still upset that he didn't have more time to finish his piece for the sorcerer. McKenzie Westmore (in a solid silver mini-dress), Glenn, Ve,  and Neville are waiting at the auditorium for the performance and final critiques. 

And now we dance!

It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

The specially choreographed Swan Lake performance is basically Tchaikovsky Cliff Notes. It's not really Swan Lake if you have three different swans, but they have a corps de ballet, and each coupling has a chance to do a featured pas de deux and that is where we can see the make-ups in action. The ones that are the most effective in the performance, and the ones which hold together the best, are Laura's. Roy's fabricated sorcerer cage is cool and all, but he had to have known the guy couldn't dance in that. 

I love how during the Face/Off finale, they have an audience there for like fifteen minutes, and then during the judging portion, they kick them out. I hope those folks are being paid to sit there and didn't buy tickets or anything. At least they gave up on that letting 'Muricka vote idea. 

If these images aren't large enough for you to see in detail, you can check out all of the finale looks here. 

Here are the swans:

Laura.

Tate. 

Roy.

Here are the sorcerers:

Laura.

Tate.

Roy.

Overall, I think Laura had the most cohesive look. Her make-ups fulfilled the task, and neither of them had to be altered so that the dancers could, you know, dance. Tate's swan, as you can see, is FREAKING GORGEOUS, and if the outcome were just based on that look alone, he would have been the winner. I know Roy had issues, but his swan is generic and conventional. I wish he'd done more with the gold paint on the swan's chest and neck. As it stands, it looks like something that was in the wardrobe trailer on the set of Black Swan. Just not terribly innovative, especially when compared to Tate's swan. I really loved the breastplate and the overall aesthetic of Laura's swan. Neville wanted more feathers on the head because I guess he's into that sort of thing. 

I'm serving up Natalie Portman tarring and feathering the populace realness.

As far as the sorcerers are concerned, I felt that Laura had the strongest sorcerer. Hers fit into the same world as her swan, and nothing needed to be removed from her make-up that would have been in the dancer's way, at least not as far as I saw. Tate's sorcerer wasn't doing it for me at all. I realize he had issues with the cowl, but the way his mouth was stuck open like that kind of made him look more like a bum you'd run into in Central Park who was wearing a Windsor Castle-shaped hat than a sorcerer per se. Roy's sorcerer is stunning, but the dancer had to remove that entire fabricated piece from the front so he could dance, and what was left kind of just looked like Yul Brynner. 

After kicking out the audience and some deliberation by the judges, and some some guy-liner-filled intense stares from Glenn, Laura is declared the winner!! Hurray!!!

Heheheheh.

New season of Face/Off starts in January, with all new contestants and some WILD AND CRAZY LOCATIONS BECAUSE IT'S REALITY TEEVEE, PEOPLE.