Wednesday, August 07, 2013

I See Dead People

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single family in possession of their dream home must be pestered by a ghost. Or a demon. Or a vampire. Or a brooding vampire. Or two brooding vampires taped together to make one super-emo vampire. Or some other such creature from the Buffyverse.

Seriously. Someone should have given these two a spin-off. Oh, wait.

I am a slut for paranormal TV shows, and there has been a significant dearth in decent ones since shows of the ilk of Ghost Adventures (which, to my experience, features neither ghosts nor adventures) started taking to the airwaves. Not that that format doesn't have its merits, but I'm always perplexed why individuals who are that frightened of anything that might be a ghost would choose to enter a career as a ghost hunter.

"We suddenly came upon some weird guy wandering around and looking for signs of paranormal activity."

If your desire for chills and thrills extends further than watching idiots running around the dark screaming expletives every time they hear a board creak, then I must direct your attention to Syfy's Paranormal Witness. I happened upon this show On Demand during a weekend of being so far in the depths of laziness that I physically could not get off the couch. Then I found season 1 on Netflix, and I was a happy panda.

The show follows a basic format of witness interviews, interspersed with actor portrayals of the narrated events. I don't know how easily you all scare, but some of the reenactments and stories are legitimately scary. I have been known to scream out loud and then giggle nervously afterward. Or maybe I'm just a wimp.

 Stop me if you've heard this one: One day, I was playing with a Ouija board and oops. Out popped this demon

Unlike on a lot of shows of this nature, the production values are pretty high. The special effects and make-up are quite well done. The cinematography is great at creating that just right creepy mood. The show has a good balance of being suspenseful and creepy without becoming over-the-top and corny.

Poor dear. She's still not over the War of Northern Aggression.

In case you have already bought your dream home -- or possibly that cute little fixer-upper in the Hudson Valley -- and are already being plagued by a proverbial clown car of demons and ghosts, I have compiled a list of helpful household hints.

General tips:

1. Don't bring a gun to a ghost fight.

2.  If you see a demon in your home, call a Catholic priest. Stat.

3. Do not buy your dream home. Like. Ever.

4. For that matter, do not buy a house. Period.

5. Or a classic car.

6.  If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you do and there is nothing there, TRUST ME, 

7. When in doubt, move out.

8.  It's just going to get worse.

9.  If your child has an imaginary friend...

10. Believe.

Paranormal Witness is available on Syfy On Demand. Season 1 is available through Netflix. New episodes air Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

"I'm telling you. If I have to explain this concept to the Hufflepuffs one more time, I am calling my union rep."

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