Save the Something, Save the Something Something

So, last night, I got caught up on the latest season of Lost Girl, and having affirmed that I am not delusional, and that the show keeps getting sillier at an exponential rate, I turned my attentions to NBC's latest offering, Believe. 

TICKETS TO ONE DIRECTION ZOMG!!!!!

This show was heavily hyped during the Olympics in February, so I figured I would tune in so at least see what it was all about. After all, it's got pretty good cred, having been executive produced by J.J. Abrams and Alfonso Cuarón. I can see why The Peacock wants to get in on the sci-fi fantasy genre, given the success of shows like Orphan Black and True Blood, and the cult following of Joss Whedon. The show overall has potential, but I felt the pilot was formulaic, predictable, and its "touching" moments bordered on trite. 

The basic premise follows the exploits of River Tam, Bo (if this is an obvious reference to Lost Girl's Chosen One heroine, it was not lost on me). Bo has special abilities that she's unable to control, but the pilot was overly vague about what those abilities are. I guess she's some sort of mix of psychic, empathic, telepathic and and Aqua Man.

Take that, whale! That'll teach you to beat up on helpless plankton!

Bo's real parents are maybe dead, or unknown, or something, so she's been shuttled around to different foster families since their demise. Bo and her guardians are, of course, being hounded and pursued by an Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy, whose company may have created her/owned her, but anyway, they are after her. The pilot opens with Bo in a car with her latest foster parents. An Evil Secret Agent Lady (she is unnamed, so I'll just call her Mila Jovovich from here on out) runs the car off the road, and then breaks the necks of foster mom and dad in a really unlikely fashion (Mila's secret power is she gets two improbable neck breaks per day) and Bo ends up in the hospital. Bo befriends a young doctor who is experiencing a lot of self-doubt after he was unable to save the life of someone's grandpa. D'awww. Bo helps him rediscover confidence in himself by telling him he will save the life of a singer named Senga. He finds out later that Bo was right and the singer's name was Agnes. Which is Senga if it's backwads. F'real. For effin' real. Doctor Guy notices this when he sees Agnes's get well balloons (which spell her name) in the mirror and it says, "SEGNA" but when I see и, all I see anymore is a vowel so it didn't have quite the same effect.   

Help me, Bastian! The Nothing is destroying Fantasia! 

MEANWHILE, the good guys, whom I have affectionately named The Multicultural A-Team, because I have no idea who they're working for and why, have hatched a plan to spring OUR HERO, Tate, from death row. Tate has been wrongfully convicted of murder and he's about to be executed, when the MAT's leader, Winter, enters his prison cell disguised as a minister. He offers Tate a chance to escape from prison if Tate agrees to help Bo. Tate hems and haws for a reason I'm not really sure about. I mean, he says he was wrongfully convicted of murder and this guy walks in and tells him he'll help him escape and Tate's all like, "Gee, IDK" instead of "Hells yeah!" Anyway, at he last minute, Tate agrees to help Winter rescue Bo, and Tate escapes with the help of Winter's associates, Channing and a couple of other dudes who die later so I don't know their names. 

My acting coach told me to channel McConnaughey.

So, Bo's in the hospital and Winter arranges for Tate to get into the hospital by posing as an accident victim who has really badly applied and eyeshadow bruises, and he finds Bo in her hospital room. It doesn't take much convincing to get Bo to leave with him, but that's when Mila Jovovitch shows up, posing as a nurse. 

Tate starts to wheel Bo out in a wheelchair, but her rescuer and kidnapper soon see through each others' ruses and throw down on each other in the hospital hallway. Bo shoots Mila in the butt with a syringe she randomly found, and that drugs Mila and gives Bo and Tate time to run away. Undaunted, Mila runs through the hospital shooting at them, but not before she puts a silencer on her gun. Hello? Even if the bystanders at the nurse's station can't hear you shoot at them, THEY CAN STILL EFFING SEE YOU. Mila, you are the worst assassin. Mila realizes she is shooting at people and has wobbly drugged person vision, so she randomly finds another syringe full of something else that will undrug her, and then shoots herself in the butt with that, but it's too late. Bo and Tate have escaped. On the bus. The bus. That's their escape plan. Route 10 at 3:15. I also think Tate had no bus fare, but hey, a minor detail. He might have a metro card. 

ANYWAY.

Winter is the former partner of Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy, and they had some kind of falling out. Car chases in SUVs ensue, and Bo ends up in hiding at this abandoned warehouse/pigeon factory with the MAT. Unfortunately, Mila Jovovitch finds them and she shoots two members of the MAT and makes her way upstairs, where she finds Tate, Winter, Bo, and Channing. They are about to escape, when Bo decides it's a good idea to leave their panic room and go get her stuffed turtle. Which I can kind of understand. I would like to have a stuffed turtle.

I'm NOT Yulia Lipnitskaya! Let me gooooooo!!!

Mila knocks Tate down and is about to shoot at him. This is when Bo remembers that she can summon birds. HOLY SHIT SHE IS GANDALF. 

The pigeons all form this full-on Hitchcockian pigeonado (PIGEONADO!!!!) around Mila and that gives Tate and Bo a chance to escape. The MAT escapes this time, but Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy will not give up in his quest to capture Bo for his own nefarious purposes.Again, it is unclear about what those actually are.  It's also revealed at the end that Tate is likely Bo's father, which wasn't that difficult to guess. As for Mila, our last glimpse of her is her getting a call from Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy boss, after she's been outwitted by Tate, Bo and MAT.

You had one job.

All in all, I would give the pilot a C-minus. I guess there's potential here, but Believe hasn't done much to set itself apart from the Female Chosen One genre, and I feel at this point the production is taking itself a little too seriously. I get that they are trying to be inclusive with diverse casting choices, but the main characters are still a white male and a young white female. The non-white characters are ancillary to the white characters, so it's kind of feeling like people of color stunt casting/tokenism. The writing is kind of bleh and relies on some already hackneyed plot points. Again, if NBC wants to attract the Buffy crowd, and entice them to watch Believe instead of Orphan Black, they've got their work cut out for them. It's unclear if Bo is a mutant, alien, superhero, or angel and I feel like she needs to have more agency in the coming episodes, because right now she's as capable of saving humanity as the Wonder Twins.

I want to Believe, but the show has to iron things out more in order to attract its target viewership. 

Believe premiered on March 15, with a special subsequent episode which aired March 16. Its regular time slot is 9 p.m. Sundays on The Peacock.

Save the Cheerleader Save the Whaaaat?! Heroes Reborn comes to NBC in 2015!

When I began to hear whisperings about some kind of return for the departed show, Heroes, I knew right where to go for the full scoop. My friend Priya, who has an amazing blog called This Is What Comes Next, was a Heroes fan back in the day and was kind enough to provide TV Sluts with her thoughts regarding the return of the show. Personally, I didn't think there was big outcry from the viewing public for more Heroes, but whatever, NBC. Desperate times, I suppose.

I have a routine. Where most people start the day with the New York Times or the Washington Post, I always kick things off scanning the headlines to Entertainment Weekly. So of course when this came across my twitter feed yesterday I did a double take.

"Heroes Reborn."

My first thought: Really? Have we officially run out of good ideas?

My Second Thought: But it started out so well. Five years later can it be better?

And then, again. Is this really necessary?

The answer of course, is no. Jeff Jensen covers most of the bases in this EW.come article, but here are my two cents.

Heroes was one of those shows that had so much potential and so many great characters. Horn-Rimmed Glasses Guy, Hiro Nakamura, Mohinder and the cockroaches, the Haitian! I mean seriously it started with a bang (and with a relatively diverse cast) and then ended season one with this bizarre flat, budget strapped sad climax. I wanted so much more this show and can't actually pinpoint the moment where I gave up -- though I know I stuck around a lot longer than most.

There were too many characters, too many subplots and nothing ever came together in the way we all wanted it to.

This is the show that gave us Hayden Panettiere (who is awesome on Nashville) and Zachary Quinto (New Spock!) and for that I will be grudgingly grateful. But I'm not sure I'll be willing to go back. NBC is going to have to do a hard sell --and in a world where we have Arrow, Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (though its future is questionable) and other examples of tight storytelling for super heroes I'm not sure I need to go back.

For your information, Heroes: Reborn is only a 13 episode miniseries. So who knows, maybe Peter Petrelli (or whatever version that shows up) can save the world once more....but for the love of all that is important in the land of television lay off the time travel.

Want to know who from the original cast might be back? Look at this cast picture and see who hasn't worked in a while. Chances are they'll be in the new episodes.

The CW: Shows Old and New

We're now a couple weeks into the new television season, but the premieres are still coming fast and it's still overwhelming me and my DVR so I am dedicating one post to almost everything on The CW. It kind of pains me to admit this, but The CW might be my favorite network. I know, I know. This basically cinches it--I am really a 15 year old fangirl at heart. But I stand by my opinion that the CW is producing some of the best sci-fi television out there. Just look at the shows I'm discussing below and you'll see what I mean.

Oh, and btw, I am not discussing the new show Reign, about Mary Queen of Scots in this post. Mostly because it just aired last night and I haven't seen it yet, but also because I am going to give it a stand-alone review post. I am that excited about it, you guys.

Let's start with the new shows!

The Tomorrow People: the concept for this one is kind of like a blend of Heroes and SHIELD. Genetic mutations have caused some people to be born with special powers (though in this world they are limited to the three Ts--teleportation, telekinenis, and telepathy) that manifest in the teen years. There's a shadowy organization called Ultra hunting down the special folk, but also a group of renegades who call themselves The Tomorrow People who are forced to live in hiding. Both groups are trying to track down teens who are just "breaking out" with their powers. Our hero, Steve, is connected to both the organization and the rebels, but I don't want to give anything away since the plot is actually kind of twisty and neat.Oh, and Steve may be a SUPER special type of special.

This show surprised me by actually being good. Of course, all the characters are impossibly good looking, but while that bothered me about SHIELD, here it kind of works? Maybe because it has more of a younger focus, but for some reason I actually prefer The Tomorrow People to the more "adult" SHIELD (may Joss Whedon forgive me). The show has more of a feel of rock and roll, of getting down and dirty with the concept, and there is also just more of a sense of fun.  There isn't any new ground being broken here in terms of the genre, but I found myself drawn into the plot. The writers have tossed several story balls in the air (who and where is Steve's father??) and there were some delightful twists in the pilot episode. Like I said, I don't want to give anything away, but fans of sci-fi should definitely check out The Tomorrow People, despite the lame title.

Apparently the gene for super powers is intertwined with the gene for pretty.

The Tomorrow People airs Wednesdays at 9 on the CW.

The Originals: Moving the "original vampires" off of The Vampire Diaries was a great idea in theory; the plot of VD had really become too bogged down with the melodrama of Klaus and his merry band of sociopathic siblings. But I wish I could say that giving them their own show was working out in everyone's favor. It's not like the show is offensively bad or anything, and if you enjoyed the scene-chewing of the Originals over on VD you'll find a lot to like about the new show. It's just that the first few episodes have seemed like a lot of plot rehashing, exposition, and repetitiveness. In episode 3 there is finally some actual plot movement and character-building, but you have to wade through two hours to get there. I do appreciate the more adult-look of the show and the New Orleans setting, but The Originals is going to have to throw more at me to keep me interested. Building up the character of current vampire king-of-the-city Marcel is a good start--I am intrigued by him. Also he's pretty. I'd give this one a solid C for average; I'll stick with it, at least for now, but could quickly lose interest.

The Originals airs Tuesdays at 8:00 on the CW.

And now for some returning favorites!

Arrow: I don't think I have ever seen a season premiere episode as well-executed as the Arrow premiere. Our hero has a new goal: he is no longer a vigilante but is going to be a full-blown hero (YES). There's some new mysterious badass characters in town, relationships between everyone have been shaken up, and there is a even a hint of new romance in the air (again YES). Oh, and River Tam (Summer Glau) has joined the cast so you know that is going to be awesome. Even in the island flashbacks--when we discover how and why Oliver Queen became a total archery ninja--there are new plots afoot. Basically, Arrow is just as fun and exciting as it was in the first season and the new story elements have me really looking forward to the season to come. If you aren't watching this show....seriously, just watch the damn show.

Arrow airs Wednesday at 8:00 on the CW.

The Vampire Diaries: Now that the original vampires are off on their own show, we can move forward with the whole Silas thing. Except I kind of find that whole plot stupid and never really got it. But it seems like all you need to know is that Silas is some uber-powerful immortal witch who looks just like Stefan (more dopplegangers, oh yay) and can read minds and compel anyone, even vampires. I'm not quite clear on what his end game is, but it involves finding the now human Katherine, and since I love Katherine I am all for this plot. Elena and Caroline are apparently unearthing some weird secret society at their college which has me mildly interested, but that seems to all be on hold while we deal again with Stefan as a Hungry Hungry Vampire. Hardly any show on television does plot twists and momentum the way The Vampire Diaries does, but they need to stop recycling plots and try out some new ideas this season. I'm kind of meh so far, which is sad because I really enjoy the show.

The Vampire Diaries airs Thursdays at 8:00 on the CW.

Supernatural: *yawn*

I'll never stop watching Supernatural because of my undying love of Jensen Ackles, but seriously guys. Step it the fuck up. This angels and demons crap has been old for three years now and I just. don't. care. And enough with the manufactured secrets between Dean and Sam. How about this? We actually have the brothers work together toward a common goal. That was why the first few seasons were so good.

I just really wanted an excuse to post a picture of Jensen. Jared, honey, get out of the shot, mmkay? If we need someone to cry like a little bitch we know where to find you.

Supernatural airs Tuesdays at 9:00 on the CW.

Coming up next time on the blog: a review of Reign. Or as I like to think of it: Teen Tudors.

Capsule Reviews

There's a lot of new shows premiering this week so let's knock some of these reviews out, shall we?

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Was there really any chance that I wouldn't like this? Joss Whedon wrote and directed the pilot, I mean come on. In case you've been living under a rock, the show follows Agent Coulson (newly resurrected from death in The Avengers movie) as he puts together a team of agents within SHIELD to handle strange cases. As is oft repeated during the pilot episode, it's a brave new world out there now that the public knows about the presence of super heroes. Oh, and that little thing that was the Battle of New York. You know, when aliens basically destroyed all of New York City and the Avengers had to save our asses. Anyway, SHIELD is starting to operate out of the shadows and there is another super secret organization working against them. Typical.

You've got all the hallmarks of a Joss Whedon show here: clever, self-aware dialogue, strong female characters, and lots of familiar faces from past Whedon shows (Gunn! Shepherd Book!). Though at times it felt a little too Hollywood-slick (and maybe a tad bit too cutesy clever for it's own good), consider me hooked. And based on the giant ratings for the premiere, I'm not the only one. If you're a Joss Whedon or Marvel universe fan, this one's a no brainer. If not, but you think something that combines the best elements of Buffy, Fringe, and Alias is interesting you should also give it a look. And if none of THAT appeals to you....then I don't know what to say. Clearly you live an empty and humorless existence and have bigger problems than I can solve.

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD airs Tuesday nights at 8:00pm on ABC.

The Blacklist: It all sounded good on paper. James Spader as a creepy member of the FBI's Most Wanted who one day mysteriously turns himself in to help catch the very criminals and terrorists that he himself used to help. But he'll only cooperate if paired with a young agent just starting her career as a profiler. In reality though...I was kind of bored. The show was just too derivative of Silence of the Lambs. There was a sort of interesting twist at the end involving the FBI agent, but I haven't made up my mind if I am going to stick with it or not. I don't consider myself a quitter so I might give it a few more episodes, but it's going to have to up the thrill factor if I am going to stay interested. NBC is certainly throwing a lot of money at the screen (and it paid off with big ratings), but so far I am just meh.

The Blacklist airs Mondays at 10:00pm on NBC.

Hostages: Ooooh, I was really looking forward to this one. Mostly because I love Toni Collette (have you seen Muriel's Wedding??), and because the premise looked interesting. Toni plays a surgeon scheduled to perform surgery on the President....when the night before the procedure she and her family are taken hostage by a group of people (led by Dylan McDermott) who want her to kill the President. OR ELSE.

It is very cinematic in quality and story, so much so that I am not sure how they plan to sustain it. I heard somewhere that this one is more of a "limited run" series in the British model with fewer episodes than a full season order, so that sounds promising, but I still don't know if the show can keep up the momentum of the pilot which was quite taut and fast-paced. Everyone in the show (even the teenage kids) have secrets so I am sure those will come into play. And I like that we aren't exactly clear on what the kidnappers/terrorists motivation is yet. My one big quibble is the music--tone down the dramatic moments, soundtrack. It's distracting. Bottom line: a well-thought out thriller that has me wondering what will happen next. I'll definitely be sticking with it.

Hostages airs Mondays at 10:00pm on CBS.

Coming soon: thoughts on the return of Glee, and reviews of new shows Betrayal, Ironside, and The Originals.

And in case you forgot to bookmark it, here is another link to TV Guide's Fall Premiere Calendar, including new and returning shows.

Please Stop Saying "Uniball"

So. Have you missed your weekly dose of office intrigue since the sixth season of Mad Men ended? Folks, have I got a remedy for this particular type of summer malaise. It's called Suits and it's on the USA network, and if you haven't seen it, you need to get on board. And don't fall off said metaphorical boat. Like Pete's mom. Haha. Pete's mom. Who fell of an actual boat. Hahaha. Pete.

But I digress. Suits follows the exploits of young Mike Ross, who, while running from police a couple years ago, happened to fall -- or was, rather, pushed -- into the Harvard-grad-only-hiring law firm of Pearson Hardman. Mike, armed only with boyishly rakish good looks, charm and chutzpah, was hired by Harvey Specter, a ballsy, if somewhat dickish, attorney at the firm. 

No law degree? Criminal record? Young man, you've got yourself a job!

Long story short, one of these handsome devils is Don Draper. Not sure which. It changes every episode. 

Bestill my lady heart.

Harvey knows full well that Mike doesn't have a law degree of any kind, let alone one from Harvard, but he hires him anyway and allows Mike to practice law, allowing the firm to win case after case. Harvey lets his boss Jessica in on this fact, and Jessica also does not give a damn. If you can suspend your disbelief long enough to get into the show,  and you aren't expecting each and every one of these people to end up in federal prison, it's worth watching. If you can't, then, I mean...Come on...There's eye candy. Because I mean...

What's that you hear? Just me standing out your window and not being creepy in any way.

Oh and also:

He's so pretty, it makes me want to cry.

When we left our friends at Pearson last season, we saw no-nonsense lady attorney Jessica Pearson about to merge with British dandy Darby. There's all sorts of intrigue. At the end of last season, Jessica went behind Harvey's back, and Mike went behind Harvey's back, and Harvey went behind Jessica's back and Mike and Harvey stopped being friends and as this season opens, everyone is just pissed at each other. 

Okay, Zoe's on the show, too.

And yes, Firefly fans. That is Gina Torres as Jessica Pearson. She's traded in her spaceship pilot's license for a power suit and some bitch heels. Seriously, I love her. I love her characterization on this show. While it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Jessica is an unmarried minority female, no one mentions it or makes it into a big issue. Or an issue at all. It's almost as if...as if...as if she's equal to her white male counterparts. Like. OMG. Whouda thunk it? She's got these boys on a leash, and if one of them (*coughcoughHarveycoughcough*) plays her, tries to play or thinks about playing her, she will eventually turn the tables on them and get them right smack in the balls. RAWR. Grrr. And the whole time she stays sexy, but she has no interest in sleeping with ANY of these jerk-offs that she works with. Seriously, I love this bitch.

So, yes. Jessica's awesome.

But back to Mike.

Mike's having some personal issues during the season opener, because his erstwhile girlfriend, adorable paralegal Rachel, is mad at Mike because Mike revealed to Rachel that he's been practicing law without a degree. Then they banged in the file storage room. Up against some legal briefs. Cha-ching. You see, this is problematic for Rachel because Rachel wants desperately to get into Harvard Law, and we saw her be rejected at the end of last season. She tells Mike that if he ever wants to file her motion again, he needs to quit the firm. Mike is all ready to do that when Jessica hands him HIS OWN OFFICE as payment for siding with her against Harvey to push through the merger, and for his help with a lawsuit. Jessica, LIKE A BOSS, tells Mike that he's staying in the firm and he will be using this new office. Or. Else.

Rachel's angry with Mike for a while because he decides to hang onto his job, but then she decides what the hell and sleeps with him again. Can we blame Rachel? No. No we cannot.

We do have to give props to Rachel for feeling a modicum of anger toward Mike being total fraud. I mean, she is, after all, the only regular character on the show who displays anything resembling a realistic reaction to this information. But Mike's still getting tail out of it. So...a net win?

So, the merger with Darby goes through without too many glitches. Harvey starts to work behind Jessica's back because he felt Jessica betrayed him last season on the merger. Harvey's not happy with the merger, and makes an agreement with Darby that if Harvey wins the case that Darby assigned him to (with the help of Harvey's erstwhile lady friend, Scottie), Darby will allow Harvey to break his non-compete and end his contract. Meanwhile, Mike tries to get back into Harvey's good graces by clandestinely helping Harvey with his case. However, what Harvey REALLY wants is to take over Jessica's position as managing partner and oust Jessica in a coup. Oh, the game. She is afoot.

Suits airs at 10 p.m. Tuesdays on USA.

Syfy, My Time of Not Taking You Seriously Has Come to a Middle

NERDZ! 

I call your attention hither! 

We may or may not be a group of diverse individuals who set aside our differences for the common good.

It has finally arrived. The much-hyped, overly advertised, heavily plugged premiere of Defiance! What could be more anticipated, you ask? I have that answer. Joe Rogan is getting paid to do drugs in various countries and Syfy is filming it!! Yes, in addition to randomly throwing every sci-fi genre at nerds in Defiance like some sort of geek Jackson Pollock painting, the network that is also bringing you Deep South Paranormal  (not kidding) is also in direct competition for that coveted What Would Ryan Lochte Do demographic. This is a zenith for television. Nay. A zenith for humanity.

But how HOW can we get Joel McHale to mock MORE clips from our network?

But I digress. Until we can watch Joe Rogan do peyote in Peru (BECAUSE IT'S LEGAL THERE), we will have to content ourselves with the teevee event of April.

Thus it is. Defiance.

We all know this show was hatched in a board room and that's it's been created to sell action figures and video games, so I'm giving it a large amount of leeway. Suffice it to say, Defiance is the bastard child of Firefly, Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, with some steam punk thrown in for good measure. Because why the fuck not? 

Anyway, the offspring of this mash-up is living on a film set in Toronto. The production values are high and the look and feel of the show is very cinematic. Syfy is drunkenly throwing money at this production like a sailor at a strip club. As this is the pilot, we need two hours to meet and greet the characters, as well as stick around long enough to follow their exploits in their first adventure.

Our Mal Reynolds character is Joshua Nolan (Grant Bowler). We meet him as a boy, as his day at the park with Mum and Da is interrupted by a pesky alien vessel hovering overhead. 

And mom's always complaining about ants.

(Disclaimer: This shot is not in any way a reference to ET.)

These alien folks are known as the Votans and all you really need to know about them is that they suck. They fought humans in this epic war and then they finally called a truce and there was peace and stuff like that there. The Votans are actually a collective (yep) of several races all mashed together, and they live on Earth like some social experiment gone bad.

Thirty-three fun-filled years later, Joshua is attempting to flee to the tropical paradise that is FUCKING ANTARCTICA, apparently after having mistakenly used a married alien female for a penis cozy. Oopsie. There were some wars and stuff, so the planet was such a hot mess afterward that it had to be terraformed. Yes. They terraformed Earth. How. Meta.

Accompanying Mal is his adopted redheaded stepchild alieny teenagerish daughter, Anne of Grumbly Attitude. Actually, her name is Irisa (Stephanie Leonidas), and she's narrating the show via her journal. She is our Plucky Young Ingenue. She is Irathient. I'm uncertain what that entails, but she seems rather feral. Also, Josh murdered her parents. BTW.

The planet has gone to SHIT, but there's still Johnny Cash. Thank God Almighty, there is still Johnny Cash. There's also still GPS and satellite radio somehow. Apocalypse FTW. Since there is all sorts of space junk flying around in Earth's orbit, the planet gets jiggy with wrecked spaceships on a frequent basis. This is known as "Arkfall." Ship debris crashes over head, and Josh and Irisa investigate to see if there's anything salvageable. Josh takes out his sonic screwdriver and somehow activates Plot Point 1: the Blue Buckeyball of DOOM. Josh and Irisa take the Blue Buckeyball of DOOM but are interrupted by a steampunkalicious group of thugs, also known as Spirit Riders. 

Yep. I am wearing a top hat and goggles. That is happening.

The Spirit Riders attempt to kidnap Josh and Irisa, although they escape, but not before Irisa gets her bad self shot. They escape into the woods, where Josh has to fight off giant beetle-warthog-rat-spider thing. They are rescued by some nice humans and make their way into what was St. Louis -- Defiance. Earth is a mere shadow of its former self, but the Gateway to the West is still standing. Defiance is a rollicking frontier town, with eight alien races a-feudin'. We meet Lady Mayor Amanda Rosewater (seriously, that is her name), emo Castithan teen Alak and his parents, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, and our friendly local mine owner, Rafe McCawley (Graham Greene).

Millions of light years across the galaxy and still all these pesky poors. 

Lucius doesn't like Rafe and vice versa, but it sucks a bunch because Alak Malfoy is in love with Rafe's Pretty Daughter (j'accord).  Plot Point 2. There are also other Castithans in Defiance. Apparently, there are castes of Dirty Malfoys and Snooty Malfoys. The Dirty Malfoys  (band name? I think yes) approach Lucius and Narcissa and Narcissa is nice to them, and we learn from this exchange that Lucius is not at all shady. Like. Not at all. Josh and Irisa find themselves in the local Redi Care, tended to by a doctor from another alien race, Dr. Ywell. She's of the Indogene, and Indogenes look like Uncle Fester, except their skin turns into Quilted Northern when their emotions are running high.

A lot of this is just unabashedly ripped off from Firefly. They speak mostly English, but their language is peppered with some Chinese-Russian sounding hybrid, and cuss words are spoken in said creole.  Fuck you Thanks, Joss Whedon. Much like Mal, rough-around-the-edges-but-lovable Josh is a veteran of the epic war, and was a member of some elite division of Space Team Six called the Defiant Few. Defiance is a rough frontiery town, the type of which you would see in a predecessor of this genre. I'm sure there's a cantina around here somewhere. There is for sure a whorehouse! There's also a teen club where things get all West Side Story up in there between Alak Malfoy and Luke McCawley. 

What tired Romeo and Juliet storyline? Where?

Mayor Amanda (Julie Benz) is torn. Does she wants Josh or does she want Josh and Irisa to leave town?Or both? Josh is broke and needs to earn money. Since the show is called Defiance and he is in Defiance, it's safe to assume he'll be sticking around. Perhaps the mayor has some holes he can fill?

Audiences, put your hands together to welcome your sexual tension.

Anyhoosle. He meets the whorehouse proprietress, Kenya (Mia Kirshner), who tells him to get into cage fighting to earn some ready cash. Also, for those interested, Kenya's sister is Amanda. Yes, Josh wants to bang sisters. Which one will he choose? The younger, rebellious, free-spirited one, or the practical, hard-working, responsible older one? Oh, cliches. You and your unpredictable twists and turns.

Kenya's hero is Inara, and while she may be "inspired" by the Whedon character (wardrobe and all), in the first half hour or so, she's the most likeable and interesting character we meet. Josh is scrappy, so he fights a big blue muscley guy and predictably knocks him out. Then Josh takes his earnings and has a bunch of sex with Kenya. Because why the fuck not?

Meanwhile at the Ape People Ranch, apeshit gets real and Redneck Ape Guy sees a flash of light and finds Rafe's oldest son, Luke, who has gotten died. This starts folks a-feudin' because Younger Son tells Rafe that Luke was fighting with Alak Malfoy. Things quickly digress into Hatfields and McCoys realness. Josh alibis Alak, Irisa pulls out her shiv, people throw punches, Rafe's Pretty Daughter confesses that Alak was in her pants at the time of said death, and the Lawkeeper ends up also dead. 

Well, shit.

So. That's the set up for Hour Two. After all of this exposition, we get to the meat of the episode.

Josh volunteers to play Dog the Bounty Hunter to find Luke's killer. Josh reveals he's a "tracker" by trade (this means he can do CSI) and they lock up Irisa as collateral. The Malfoys are in some weird bathy sex cult and Lucius wants to kill Rafe's Pretty Daughter. Narcissa wants Kristy (her actual name) to marry Alak so they can get control of the mines. The mines! The mines!  BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sherlock Josh deduces they are looking for an Indogene with a bad leg. We know Amanda has one of those up her sleeve because earlier we saw her assistant, Ben, limping. Plot Point 3. Not only is he a great secretary, but Ben is also a serial killer. They give chase and Rafe shoots Ben and he collapses into an Indogene Heap. He dies a bunch, but not before he can warn of an impending attack. 

There is also an army of Evil Cylon Robot Orcs headed up Defiance way. They are called the Volge and they are attacking for an unspecified reason. Defiance prepares for the Battle of the Volge. Ben, ass that he was, destroyed the stasis net around the city, so they are vulnerable.

Josh plans to leave with the reward money and Irisa, but he decides to return and fight.  Remember the Blue Buckeyball of DOOM? Josh retrieves it from the forest and devises a plan for the Indogenes to use it to rig up a superweapon. The battle is a typical "hold the line" until reinforcements/superweapon/Gandalf the White arrives to save the day narrative. The Spirit Riders steam punk their way into Helm's Deep (avec Irisa) and lend their assistance. This battle is rescued by the Blue Buckeyball of DOOM, which in this case, only spells DOOM for the Volge. It goes off and knocks them all on their asses. Nasty buggers, those Volge. Defiance is saved! Awkward group cheering scene! Josh stays and becomes the new Lawman in these here parts.

In the train-car-turned-diner (see, the post-apocalyptic world still has hipster hang-outs), the former mayor, Evil Judi Dench, and her companion in DOOM, Random Steampunk Man, unmask that it was their pro-DOOM plot to send the Volge into Defiance. For whyses to be revealed in due course. Motivation likely along the lines of chaos, panic, anarchy and DOOM. 

DOOM! Because why the fuck not?

As pilots go, this was more or less average. I wasn't bored to death, but I wasn't blown away or overly engrossed. It's heavily influenced by other media of this genre, so, sad to say, I didn't see anything terribly unique or original. I am a little confused as to whether they are ripping people off or if these are les homages. Clearly, the show owes a huge debt to fallen comrade Firefly and I guess there's a lesson to be learned about where networks' priorities are when they decide to put their money and PR machine behind a show. Much like Earth's gravitational field, Defiance is littered with the corpses of what came before. It has elements taken from Firefly, and maybe it's an unfair comparison, but Defiance isn't as good. I feel it wants to be good, and considering that this is the network that brought us Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, that is a step in the right direction.

That said, the show has kinks to work out, but it has promise. It is more or less entertaining,  but it remains to be seen if it will become the huge, iconic cultural phenom that the rabid execs at Syfy are foaming at the mouth for it to be. It has its production values up to the level of the class of program it wants to compete in, so it very well could become the next Battlestar Galactica, albeit significantly less depressing. I gave the pilot a lot of wiggle room because it is a pilot, but this fledgling series really should only be going upwards, based off what I saw in the series launch. If it headed in the opposite direction, it would be a waste of potential. And money. Lots and lots and lots of money.

Positive points are lack of pretension and, much like its leading man, the show doesn't take itself too seriously. But has Syfy moved on from its days of man-eating shark movies featuring Joey Fatone? Defiance could become one of the few bright spots on a network continuously devolving into Under Fae. If not, there is always Haunted Collector.

P.S. Due to all the nerd titillating, I am really hoping for George Takei to show up at some point.

P.P.S. Oooh, myyy.

Defiance picks up the time slot normally occupied by Being Human (in hiatus until the premiere of Season 4 in 2014). It airs at 9 p.m. on Mondays on Syfy. The pilot is also on the Syfy web site, which was awesome for me because my cable box, much like Indogene Ben, is way dead.