I know, I know! I'm wicked behind on recaps! I'm catching up, I promise! But first, jumping back a few weeks…
In the mean streets of The Big Easy, one woman sets out on a dangerous mission. That would be Queenie, purposefully taking a walk through the rough part of town to murder would be rapists for their body parts for Marie. Zoe and Madison find her and try to convince her to rejoin the Coven. Queenie’s less interested, figuring her luck is with Marie and Voodoo, not Fiona and Witchcraft. “War is coming,” she tells the girls. “And you’re going to lose.”
War is, admittedly, a little under-armed.
Fiona, meanwhile, is getting no better due to the cancer that’s rapidly advancing on her. “I’m starting to look less Samantha and more Endora everyday,” she bemoans. Delia has little sympathy, however, asking her to do them all a favor a kick off before Thanksgiving in order to save them all from her cuisine. What the cancer hasn’t stopped, however, is her sexual relationship with the Axeman, who is still somehow in a corporal body. Yeah, that’s not been explained. Anyway, he’s into her, but she doesn’t want to decay in front of anyone. Thankfully, she’s got a plan – remove whichever of the girls is the new Supreme, and her health comes back.
Which brings us to the next scene – Luke’s mother isn’t pleased that he was spending all that time during the Zombpocalypse at Halloween over at the house with all it’s “devil’s magic” and determines that Luke is unclean. What’s a mother to do with an unclean boy? Cleans him. Via a homemade chlorox solution that she forces Luke to take as an enema, stripping him naked and putting him in a tub. “You don’t have to do this,” he almost whimpers. “Oh, but I do.” She replies. Clearly she learned parenthood from the Norma Bates Correspondence School. (And though this is disturbing, can I say it is nice to see a welcome return to the inappropriate sexual crazy? We’ve been lacking that a lot this season.)
A boy's best friend is his mother and her best friend is a homemade detergent enema pouch.
Cordelia and the girls are plotting a way to kill Fiona when a knock at the door reveals a frantic Misty, who says she’s been driven from the swamp after a man with a gun found her in her shack the previous night. Only a warning from the resurrected Myrtle Snow got her out in time. Misty reunites the Coven with Myrtle, who has her hair back thanks to “buying in bulk from North Korea for years.” Myrtle recognizes the troubles the Coven has been going through and points out that the one witch with them with real power, the next Supreme perhaps, is Misty.
Zoe is trying to get Kyle to learn through kids language games, but Kyle just wants to get kissy with her. So, your typical frat boy, really. The coven gathers for The Sacred Taking, a ceremony only used three times in history whereby the old Supreme sacrifices her life so that the Coven can continue. Though, in this case, we’re getting a little loose with the word “sacrifice” since Fiona won’t be aware of what’s going on. Once done, Misty will be recognized as the next Supreme. The girls are all a little jealous until Cordelia points out that none of the Supremes have had happy lives, all of them were crushed under the weight of the office, except Fiona who just ran away. Fiona’s going to need a “push” in order to give her own life.
Upstairs, Cordelia vomits before hearing music from her bedroom and seeing Madison dancing provocatively. “Thought you’d seen the last of me?” she coos. Fiona tries to force Madison from the room magically, but can’t muster the strength. Madison gives Fiona a choice – be burned tomorrow or swallow all her pills. She leaves and is replaced, Dickens-like, by Myrtle who catches Fiona trying to pack a suitcase. Fiona wants to run, saying she’s finally found someone she truly loves and begging for the last few months of life with him. Myrtle shows Fiona a vision of Fiona decaying in a hospital bed while the Axeman leaves her.
What we don't know is why all of Fiona's psychotic fever dreams look like Meatloaf videos.
Upstairs, the ruse is working. Fiona puts her face on in order to leave a good-looking corpse and tells Myrtle about the regrets and non-regrets in her life. “I’ve always been rigorous about not staying too long at the party,” she sighs. “I had the good form to know when it’s over.” Fiona dresses in a fine fur coat and high heels and swallows a handful of pills. She asks only that they hang her portrait where she chose and not in the basement with the disgraced Russian witch. (sidebar, I hope to God we hear more about that.) As she lays dying, Spaulding appears to her and begs her to wake up and tries to get her to swallow ipecac. As a ghost, Spaulding can finally speak again and tells Fiona what the Coven is up to and that Madison isn’t the next Supreme. And oh, it’s Go Time on the Revenging Witch Comedy Hour.
Speaking of revenge, Queenie brings Delphine a cheeseburger in her cage. “Whatever did I do to deserve this betrayal?” Delphine moans, rather richly. Marie, clearly, is enjoying the reversal and, to be fair, turnabout is kind of fair play. Delphine is pretty unrepentant with Marie, though, demanding that Marie bring her something to drink like a maid. Delphine points out that there’s nothing that Marie can do to her – she can’t die. Better to put her back in the ground and “when they dig me up in another 100 years, the natural order will be preserved.” By which she means there won’t be a “darkie” in the White House. Going back into the ground is not the only option though, according to Marie. “You suffer from a lack of imagination,” she tells Delphine. And then cuts her hand off.
Downstairs at the house, Nan is a little steamed that everyone assumes that there’s no way she could be the next Supreme. She sneaks to Luke’s house, finding him tied up and gagged in a closet. She frees him and tries to get him out of the house when Mother spies the two of them and calls the police. And that’s when shit gets real, you guys – bullets suddenly start flying in from outside, killing Mother and hitting Luke when he protects Nan from the gunfire.
Next door and oblivious to the urban warfare, the Coven waits for Fiona to die. Misty doesn’t feel any differently, though which is all explained when Fiona enters the room and demands to know about the “swamp witch” who is supposed to replace her. Turns out Misty is gone, having fled to the house next door. Luke is taken to the hospital with a serious head wound, but Fiona finds her in the living room with Luke’s mother’s body. As Misty brings Mother back to life, Cordelia finds a spent bullet on the ground and sees that the shooter wasn’t random – it was someone after the Coven.
Zoe hides Kyle, saying that none of them are safe. Kyle manages to say that he loves her and doesn’t want to leave while Madison, who is “sharing” Kyle with Zoe overhears from the hallway.
In the morning, Cordelia fears that Fiona is going to punish her for trying to orchestrate her death but Fiona is frankly impressed that Cordelia would show such grit and determination. “You really are my daughter,” she says. Fiona notices the bullet, a silver one that’s been blessed and concludes that witch hunters are behind this. At that, the door bell rings, but only a box is left on the front porch. Sounds familiar, right? Fiona brings it inside and opens it to reveal Delphine’s severed head, the eyes of which suddenly flip open.
Somewhere, James Caan is enjoying this.