Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Costumed Aggression

Welcome back, my minions. In all seriousness, I am still recovering from the shock I received watching last Sunday's episode, and I actually think I am going to skip recapping that one, to be perfectly honest with you guys. 

If you are picking up where we left off of the season premiere (at around the 50 minute mark, give or take), Granny has just given Lady Mary a good talking to about being a SURVIVAH. 

In Ripon, Lady Cora and Lady Rose are meeting with Edna about the lady's maid position. Edna makes up a story about caring for a nonexistent aunt so she won't have to go interview at Downton. HELLO YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB THERE, DEARY. THIS MEANS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO THERE SOMETIMES. Anyway, she's apparently trying to avoid Mrs. Hughes. Her scheme is to get hired before Mrs. Hughes tells Lady Cora that Edna is weird and creepy. She admits to having worked at Downton as a parlour maid, and hands her the ref from Mrs. Hughes. She tells Cora that the reason she left service at Downton was so she could train as a lady's maid. Cora and Rose buy her story and give her the job.

In bumbling Molesley news, Molesley accompanies Lady V to tea at Lady Shackleton's, and he blabs to Lady Shackleton's butler that Lady Shackleton might give him (Molesley) the butler's job. The butler says, "Umm. No," and sets about sabotaging Molesley's interview for Lady Shackleton, who proceeds to insult him and his butlering skills. Lady Violet shamfacedly takes Molesley away.

Continuing in news of the poorz, Grigg has arrived at Isobel's. Isobel immediately sets to work rehabbing him. 

I've mostly worked with prostitutes, but I suppose I could apply my skills to a down-on-his-luck actor.

Okay, enough of the working class. Back to the rich people! Edith arrives at The Criterion in London to meet with Gregson. She runs in and looks for Him. Is He there waiting for her? He is. He has News. He can divorce wifey in Germany if he becomes a German citizen. Edith asks him if he'd really do that for her, and he replies that he'd become AN ESKIMO for her. An. Eskimo. 

Because in Inuit culture, when your wife goes insane, you can just pop her onto an ice floe.

Oh, Michael! You say the sweetest things. !!! Smoochie-smoochie.

Cora tells Mrs. Hughes that she's hired Edna Braithwaite to be her new lady's maid. For. Real. Mrs. Hughes is like YOU DID WHAT. Cora chastises Mrs. Hughes for trying to hold the poor young girl back, and Mrs. Hughes decides against telling Cora the real reason she fired Edna, which I kinda don't understand. I feel like Mrs. Hughes is their trusted housekeeper, and if she told Cora that she fired Edna because she was trying to tear off Branson's pants like the day after Sybil died, Cora would listen to her, don't you think? What sayest thou? Mrs. Hughes and Carson meet with Branson and tell him that Cora's hired Edna, so look out, brother. Branson volunteers to tell Cora about what went down with Edna, and why he asked Mrs. Hughes to write her a good reference, but Carson stops him, because he doesn't want Cora to think Sybil's husband was "unworthy." No. Seriously. No. This is legit pissing me off. Why can't Carson and Mrs. Hughes go to Cora and tell her the truth about Edna? I guess that would mean we'd be down a subplot, and we all know JF prefers quantity of subplots over quality. But this legit makes no sense to me whatsoever. 

We mustn't under any circumstances let Lady Grantham know she's hired yet another crazy person.
Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore calls Alfred into the kitchen to tell Daisy to her face that he sent a Valentine to Ivy and not to her. I feel like this was not a good move on Mrs. Patmore's part. I get she was trying to make Daisy feel better about being so undesirable to the opposite sex and all, but sending her that Valentine only resulted in Daisy feeling humiliated. Then she involved Alfred by forcing him to tell Daisy that he wasn't into her. I don't think Mrs. Patmore was trying to be mean, but the whole thing backfired. Mrs. Patmore defo owes her a Cuisinart. I'm sorry, Daisy. Here's a pie. 

Eat your feelings. 

This week on ¡Dios Mio!, Lady Cora is walking outside the nursery and she overhears Evil Nanny West calling Lil Sybbie a "wicked little crossbreed" and a "chauffeur's daughter." For. Real. Cora walks in and is like dafuq are you saying to my grandchildren, and Evil Nanny West realizes that this is not a good look for her. She tries to explain to Cora how she was just "having a game" and explainin' to wee little Sybbie that she was an abomination in the sight of me Luurrrrd. 

I was just explainin' to the wee bairn that she's the spawn of an unnatural union. :)

Cora's like aww hell no and she fires her on the spot. Nanny West blabbers some more, but Cora summons Mrs. Hughes and tells her to put Nanny West in a different room for the night and kick her out in the morning. Well, since people who get fired from Downton always find a way to worm their way back onto the show, let's wait in anticipation for the eventual return of Evil Nanny West.

Won't it be fun to watch this place burn?

Cora later personally thanks Thomas and tells Robert that they owe him a debt of gratitude. Robert's angry that they've gotten rid of another nanny, because they're going through them faster than Captain Von Trapp.

I'm here for your children.

Down in the drawing room before dinner, Robert is with Widow Mary. The subject turns to Edith and Gregson, and she admits that Edith hasn't done too shabby with Gregson. Robert asks if he should be worried if it's serious, and if Mary knows much about Gregson. Mary says she doesn't, and remembers that Gregson talked to Matthew and then... then she abruptly stops talking because she either got all sad remembering Matthew, OR she remembers the thing. The one thing. Matthew told her that Gregson is already married, and she abruptly SHUTS UP. Good call, Mary. So is Mary going to use that as leverage to get back at Edith? Let's hope so. Robert changes the subject to shop, and Robert reiterates that he's right not to trouble Mary's feeble little female brain with talk of manly subjects like money and property and inheritance. Robert tells Mary to go to bed, and she agrees.

Mary exits the drawing room and is heading upstairs, but then she realizes she should probably go apologize to Carson, and she ends up bawling in his arms. *Tissues*

I wish you were my real dad. :( 

Down in the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore's trying to learn how to use the electric mixer, because Daisy knows how to use it, and that puts Daisy ahead of Mrs. Patmore. Mrs. Patmore has made a huge mess with whatever pancake batter she was trying to mix up. PRO-TIP: USE A SPOON. Mrs. Hughes volunteers to help clean up the mess, which is apparently going to take two people all night to clean up. It doesn't look like that big of a mess to me. Dear 1922: Get a Swiffer Wet Jet. 

At the trustees' luncheon, there's a lot of harumphing and then Mary surprises everyone by showing up AND wearing something other than black. Branson is stoked and gives up his seat to her (STOP SHIPPING THEM. NOW.), but Robert isn't thrilled. Ofs. 

Home stretch now, m'loves.

Anna warns the new batshit cray maid that she might want to steer clear of Thomas, and I'm not sure why we have to start up all of that Thomas vs. Anna and Bates business again because I thought it had been settled last season when Bates helped Thomas keep his job, but since we don't ever want to be in want of a plot, I guess the intrigue must go on.

Mary receives a Mysterious Box from Matthew's office that just HAPPENED to be sitting around that no one noticed until JUST NOW. Instead of giving the box to whom it has been addressed (Lady Stinkin Mary), Carson and Hughes decide to give it to Robert. Palm, meet Face. Robert opens it up, and finds a A Letter that Matthew wrote just before he died, detailing his wishes should something happen to him. Legit. He wrote the letter LITERALLY before he died. Robert is like, "Hmm. Should I show this to Mary?" OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. He takes it to Lady Violet and asks her opinion and she tells him to show it to Mary, and Robert still is like, "Hmmm. No. I'm not sure."  No, I really think I'm right in this, Mamma. No, you're not, Robert. There is something you are and it starts with "Wrong." Robert finally decides to show it to Mary and Mary reads it and says, "Whhhaaaaa?" Then there's some filler until we find out what the letter says.

We find out the letter WHICH MATTHEW WROTE BEFORE HE DROVE BACK TO YORKSHIRE AND DIED, says that, should anything happen to him, he wants Mary to be his sole heir. OF COURSE IT SAYS THAT AND OF COURSE HE DID. But is the letter a valid legal document? Let's take it to Murray. Survey says: of course it's valid. Do you know what this means? It means homegirl finally gets to inherit some good shit. 

Clarkson visits Grigg and Isobel (SQUEE) and tells Isobel that Grigg is much better now, thanks to her. Isobel finds Grigg a position at a theater Belfast and so he's going to Ireland. Mrs. Hughes encourages Carson to make up with Grigg before Grigg goes off to Belfast PERHAPS FOREVER BECAUSE THERE ARE NO BOATS.

But wait! There's more! In Rose is our Lady Sybil replacement news, Rose decides that she wants to go to slumming it at a dance in York at some sort of working class watering hole, but she can't ask Lady Cora or Lady Mary for permission, so she asks Anna to take her. Anna is reluctant but she agrees to take Rose anyway. It is the Roaring 20s, after all, and one must roar if one is to be accepted in society. Rose goes and poses as a parlour maid at Downton Abbey.

It's fun pretending to be poor! 

Rose thinks the dance will be ever so much fun and JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN TITANIC WHEN KATE WINSLET GOES BELOW DECKS TO DANCE WITH LEO DICAPRIO, so she agrees to dance with a working-class bloke, Sam. Then they run into Jimmy, who is hanging out there by himself, apparently. But the fun ends there. Rose catches the eye of another working-class bloke and he asks to dance with Rose and she refuses. 

You're doing it wrong. That is not how you twerk.

Then there's a bar fight and the police arrive and Rose, Anna, Jimmy have to scurry out of there and run home so they don't end up in the pokey. So, at a fancy dinner that evening, Sam decides to show up at the kitchen of Downton Abbey and ask for, "the parlour maid, Rose" and Thomas answers the door and he is like, "Um....Whaaaaaaat?" Anna dresses Rose up in a maid outfit, because apparently telling Sammy the truth would be too much for the lad. Sam asks to call on Rose, but she lies and tells him she's promised to marry a farmer. Then they kiss and Sam leaves. Hahaha. Meeeee, Rose Flintcher, marry a farmer. OH IT IS TOO DROLL. 

No way will this ever come back to bite me in the ass. 

Branson and Lady Violet convince Mary to learn more about running the estate, and Branson takes Mary on a tour of the estate. Mary brings it up at dinner that evening, and that's when Robert decides to humiliate her by pointing out the obvious holes in her landed gentry knowledge. 

So, as I stated above, I will not be recapping this past week's episode of DA. It's not to do with anything wrong with the episode per se. It is just that, considering the disturbing events of that episode, I don't feel comfortable writing a recap that entails my personal opinions about rape or the inclusion of sexual assault in the show's story arc. For the sake of varying viewpoints, there is plenty being said here and here and here and across the internet as a whole.

So, please excuse the lack of an AP recap for this past week's episode. Feel free to discuss in the comment section. Instead of a recap, here's a red panda.

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