Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Glee three-cap

Today I will do a (heavily biased) squee-cap of the last THREE episodes of Glee. Buckle your seat belts, kiddies!


This episode focuses mostly on the kids of McKinley High - so I had a hard time caring. They decide to raise funds for Regionals by selling a "Boys of McKinley" calendar featuring all the fellas of the club in the altogether (with seasonal decorations covering their naughty bits, of course). Let's skip right by the part where this would NEVER be allowed in a public high school. Artie feels insecure about posing with his shirt off. Sam is still reeling from his dismal SAT scores, so he throws himself into the project - believing that his body is all he has to offer. In the end, Blaine convinces him that he's more than just pecs and, to show solidarity with Artie, Sam decides to pose fully clothed as well. Hoo-f***ing-ray. The younger kids get up to some romance hijinks via the Marley/Jake/Ryder love triangle. YAWN.

Up in New York, Rachel has an "opportunity" to star in someone else's senior thesis at NYADA. The catch - she has to do a topless scene. GROSS. Her disgusting boyfriend Brody almost has her convinced to do it, and she has a little dissociative identity disorder moment where she sings a duet with her former self. DOUBLE GROSS. Kurt calls her on her shit, telling her that New Rachel is like “slutty Barbie, asking misogynist Ken to move in with her." He calls in the Big Bitch Guns, Santana and Quinn, to convince her not to show her tatas for a freakin' STUDENT FILM. Rachel backs out at the last possible minute - of course.


OK, this might be my favorite episode so far this season. In an effort to toughen up the Glee kids (and boy do they need it), Ms. Pillsbury and Finn decide to revive the Diva Off tradition made famous by Kurt and What's Her Face. Unique opens up with some STELLAR trash talk and steals the group number, "I'm A Diva" by Beyonce. Seriously, I love Unique SO MUCH. Sadly, that was the extent of her face time this episode. Whomp whomp.

Blaine proves that guys can be divas, too, by belting out Freddie Mercury's "Don't Stop Me Now." Tina is crushing on Blaine (um...what?) and ends up confessing her feelings for him while he's helping her pick out her diva song. Luckily for her, he's zonked out on cold medicine and doesn't hear her. So she applies vapor rub to his chest and cuddles him while he's sleeping. Aaaaand things just got weird. Tina decides to give up and wins the Diva Off by pouring her emotions into "Hung Up" by Madonna.

Santana makes an appearance as the "guest diva" - singing a song that is actually called "Nutbush City Limits" by Tina Turner. Nut bush. Gross. Her real intention is to break up Sam and Brittney, to which end she sings "Make No Mistake (She's Mine)" with Sam - kind of a weird "fight" song. Sue even offers to make her the next Cheerios coach. But Brittney eventually convinces her to move on with her life - so she moves on to New York City, to make the Kurt/Rachel timeline a little bit bitchier. Aww yessssss.

Speaking of What's Her Face, Kurt decides that Rachel's ego is getting out of control, and she needs to be taken down a few pegs. OMG PREACH. She ignores Kurt at school, surrounding herself with sycophantic hater gays, and allows her boyfriend to parade around the apartment naked. When Kurt confronts her, it comes out that he threw their first Diva Off (remember he didn't want to embarrass his dad by singing a "girl song") - which totally undermines Rachel's sense of self. Hooray! He then challenges her to NYADA's version of the Diva Off - Midnight Madness. They both sing "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables, and Kurt KICKS HER ASS. Well, he wins by a narrow margin. But still!

The problem is, Kurt is a good person. He feels conflicted about the win because he's been singing the Les Miserables score since he was little - the song was a random selection, it just happened to go in his favor. He then turns down the overtures of friendship from the hater gays, stands up for his new crew the Adams Apples, and makes nice with Rachel. She recognizes that she has been a f***ing nightmare, and they hug it out. Boo.

ULTRA MEGA BOMBSHELL OF THE EPISODE - Finn is helping Ms. Pillsbury with some wedding planning stuff, since Mr. Schuester is out of town. She has an OCD freak-out and, while trying to calm her down, he kisses her. WTF? TBC...

"I Do"

The long-awaited Valentine's Day wedding between Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury is finally here! And by long-awaited, I mean that I was sort of surprised it hadn't already happened. Finn tells Rachel about kissing Ms. Pillsbury, and What's Her Face immediately tries to make it about herself. Direct quote from Finn: "Not everything has to do with you." THANK YOU. They end up rekindling the old flame, but Rachel insists she is still with her douchey boyfriend Brody. Finn calls New Rachel on her "free love" liberal bullshit, to no effect.

Ms. Pillsbury has another OCD freak-out and ends up ditching the wedding. Sue walks down the aisle in a replica of her dress to tell Mr. Schuester that it's off. Was that really necessary? He's heartbroken, but lets the Glee kids use the reception as a reunion party/mating ritual.

So in hook-up news, Quinn and Santana have a one-off and Artie lands a bitchy girl who is also in a wheelchair. Ryder helps Jake with all of his Valentine's presents for Marley in a very Cyrano de Bergerac kind of way. Jake and Marley do NOT hook up, however - because that would mean that she was not the pure innocent girl that we are supposed to give two shits about. She knew that it was Ryder all along with the presents, but thinks that he's just helping Jake - doesn't realize that he loves her, even though they dated... See why I find it hard to care?

In other true-love news, Kurt and Blaine TOTES HOOK UP - Best. Wedding. Ever. They make out in the back of a car, sing the duet "I Just Can't Get Enough," slow dance together, and end up in a hotel room (bow chicka wow wow). Blaine wants Kurt back, but Kurt is hiding behind the fact that he's "seeing someone" - Adam of the Adams Apples. I haven't seen one Kurt/Adam smooch, though, so I'm a bit doubtful. Kurt also takes this opportunity to set Tina straight (no pun intended?) by telling her, "You're hagged out!" TRUTH TELLING.

Final scene: Rachel misses her period... could she be preggers? Oh wait, I DON'T CARE.

1 comment:

Maggie Cats said...

Haha, hilarious.

This show needs more truth telling.