Margarine Is Indestructible

Beware of all caps. I got unreasonably excited during this episode, so if all caps or excessive exclamation points bothers you or hurts your eyes, abandon all hope ye who enter here. And suchlike.

Vamos a empezar.

This.

We begin this week's episode with a board meeting to strategize the SCDP frankenfat presentation.

One part dick-measuring to two parts pissing contest. Dash of marking your territory. And stir.

Ted's strategy is to sell Fleischmann's on the taste factor, emphasizing that it costs more than Blue Bonnet because it tastes better. Don disagrees and thinks they should take the stance that price is irrelevant because the question is whether or not margarine tastes better than butter (it doesn't). They argue about the market share, which is much higher than butter.  Pete thinks they should go on taste alone.

Don beckons Peggy and asks her which she'd choose if she were in the market for margarine (blech), and Peggy responds that she'd buy the cheaper one. Ted asks which one she thinks would taste better, the cheaper one or the more expensive one. Pete chimes in to say they can't tell the client their product is expensive, and Peggy's trying to figure out which person in the room she'd rather side with, and which person is actually in charge, so she demurs from making an actual choice. Really didn't matter to her, leaving Don and Ted annoyed that she didn't side with either of them. Well, that was certainly a...creative response, Peggy. Now how about something useful? 

Did we miss something here?

I bet Peggy doesn't even buy margarine. And look at those lamps! Hahaha!

Harry advises Pete to go see a head-hunter while things are going reasonably well for SCDP because Harry feels like SCDP is a hot mess.

Cut to Megan on the set of All My Children (or whatever), sporting terrible blonde wig, enacting an office scene (ha!). In true soap opera form, Megan is portraying Collette, her regular maid character's sister.  Apparently Collette is having an affair with Arlene's character's husband. Oh, irony. The director is giving Megan crap because he doesn't feel like Megan is making the two characters distinct enough. WTF. It's a crappy daytime soap, not the Orphan Black auditions.

Back at la oficina, Don walks into Peggy's office and wants to know why Peggy didn't look at the options they presented her in the meeting and form an opinion.  It's what professionals do. Don is such a dick. Don wants Peggy's opinion and Peggy doesn't want to give an opinion because does her opinion matter, really? Really, does it Don? Or do you and Ted just want to prove that one of you is right all the time? Peggy tells Don that Ted doesn't belittle her, and Don basically tells her to wait and he will. 

At a swank fundraising affair, Betty's out smoking in the hallway.  Henry's off making phone calls and over slinks some tux named Stuart, who hits on her. Betty rebuffs his advances, but he's insistent.  Betty's lost a pretty significant amount of weight and she's feeling much better about the way she looks. But Stuart can dream on.

I'm back, bitches.

Peggy comes home and finds that Abe has been stabbed. Stabbed. The police officer gives Abe a hard time because he won't identify the ethnicity of his attacker. Peggy is angry with Abe for not being more cooperative with the popos. Abe is angry with Peggy for siding with the "fascist pig" cops. Peggy tells Abe she's willing to let him do whatever he wants, and Abe gets even angrier with her. Peggy threatens to sell "this shithole."

Don comes home to his wife (for a change) and they awkwardly discuss their day. Megan explains to Don that she just can't manage  what the director is asking of her, and Don decides to skip dinner and go watch the teevee. Their marriage seems kinda ovah.

In a cab on the way home, Henry and Betty talk about the evening. Henry noticed that Betty received a lot of attention from admirers, particularly the pervy Stuart. Henry demands to know what Stuart said to her, and Betty demurely evades the question until Henry insists she tell him. This turns him on for some reason and they suck face in the car. 

At SCDP the next morning, Margaret has brought her son into work for him to spend the day with Grandpa Roger. Would he like to meet his Uncle Kevvy, I wonder? Playdate?

Over at Pete's, Pete's having a clandestine meeting. OMG, IT'S DUCK PHILLIPS!!! Remember Duck Phillips? Holy crap!  Pete is meeting with Duck at Pete's to talk business. Duck's found Bert Peterson a job. Duck offers a marketing job in Wichita and Pete's reluctant to move to Kansas. Duck's concerned about Pete's lack of a role in the management structure at SCDP and he wants to know what happened with Vick's. Ha!

Let's explore my humanity in a way in which I don't end up wearing a bathrobe all day and drooling.

Duck tells Pete if he can get to a higher position at SCDP, he can get him a better offer than Wichita. Pete wants to spend more time at the office, but Mother has run amok. 

Don's on his way to join the Francis fam for some family bonding to visit Bobby at his summer camp. Yes. Don Draper goes camping. It's like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Except more rustic.

Don pulls up at an Esso gas station out in BFE and calls for the attendant, who ignores him. He gets out of the car and repeats his request to the attendant for assistance, and the attendant is distracted by a fine female ass leaning into the front seat of her car. Don joins him the admiration. Please, dear Lord, let that be Betty. HAHAHA. OMG IT'S BETTY! YES!! 

Betty's lost, so she pulled over at this station to find Bobby's camp. WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME ESSO STATION THAT DON HAS PULLED INTO. PERFECT. Don has forgotten how hot Betty is Betty has forgotten how mad she is at Don. 

Howdy, lil lady. Are you lost?

They are hot for each other cordial as they try to figure out where they are going. The attendant gives Betty some directions and Betty wants to know if there are any street names. Of course there aren't any. You're in BFE. That's the point of camp, Betty. Don gallantly instructs Betty to follow him in his car. PLEASE, PLEASE LET THEM HAVE HATE SEX. PLEASE. 

Why, hello, stranger. 

Back at the office, Fleischmann's wants more market share figures. Ted drags Peggy into an office and asks her WTF she was doing during the presentation. Peggy said she was sticking to the plan. The plan where...the plan where she doesn't say anything to Don about his margarine idea... Right? Ted tells her, no, that's not what I meant, dammit!  She touched his hand during the presentation! Gasp! And then she smiled at him! Gasp! You can't do that, Peggy! I should never have kissed you. Peggy says she thought they were forgetting about that. Ted says he hasn't forgotten.  What an old tune. The boss in love with is protege. OMG!! He is in l'amour with her!! Squee!!

Pete asks for Joan's advice on a personal matter. He's trying to find his mom a nurse because Mother is proving difficult. Joan tells him she's not sure how she can help, but she will try. Then he tries to ask her out, unaware that Joan is now seeing Bob Benson.

This conversation isn't a vague come-on. Okay. Yes, it is. And it's also not necessarily vague.

The second half hour starts off with Megan's swingy costar Arlene arriving at Megan and Don's apartment. They have some wine and some girl chat, but who cares? We all want to see Don and Betty screw. 

Back at band camp, Don's trying his awkward best to be a better dad. Don's snuck some hooch into camp and sits on the porch with Betty. Don says he never went to camp and Betty reminds him that he's been to camp with her family. He meant during his shitty childhood during which they had to go to the bathroom in an outhouse and trap possums for dinner. Like every day. And not for funzies. Anyway, Betty talks about the time that Don went camping with the Hofstadt fam and Don got into an argument with Betty's dad. After which, Don and Betty went into the woods and made Sally. That explains so much. Don and Betty say goodnight, and Betty holds his outstretched hand for a moment. You think Don's going to go into her cabin, but he doesn't move.

Hey, stud.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO US, MATTHEW WEINER. 

But then she leaves the door open.

Then Don goes in.

THEN THEY KISS!!! YES!!!!!

HOW HAPPY ARE YOU???

Those lazy, hazy, horny days of summer.

MEANWHILE, Megan confesses to Arlene that she is feeling lonely in her relationship with Don.  Oh, the irony. Arlene kisses Megan and Megan gets angry because feels like Arlene is taking advantage of her. Arlene feels like Megan asked her over for sexy time, but Megan insists she isn't into lady bits. Arlene leaves. Poor Megan. She is getting pwned all over the place. Also, I feel Megan already had this convo with Arlene when she and her husband asked them to swing. Jeez, Arlene. Get a clue.

Anyway. AFTERWARD. Betty is smoking a cigarette and Don confesses that he has missed her. Betty feels sorry for Megan because Megan doesn't know that loving Don is the worst way to get to his heart. Betty's figured out the best way to hold Don's attention is to have sex with him a bunch while he's married to someone else. Betty Francis learning curve FTW.

Betty also lets him know that this is not going to be A Thing. I'm sure Betty's figured out that the only real way to hold Don's attention for any span of time is to be his mistress. Don wants her because now she's unattainable. 

Riot grrrll!

Okay, Don and Betty sleeping together is total fan service, but you know you saw that, ahem, coming. I hope she gets preggo again. And has to lie to Henry. Hahahahahaha.

At Peggy and Abe's, someone threw a rock through their bedroom window. Peggy's worried that someone saw Abe talking to the police and they're retaliating. Peggy tells Abe she's scared to live in this neighborhood, and Abe agrees to put the house on the market. Peggy decides to sleep in the living room that night because she's afraid to sleep in the bedroom.

The morning after, Margaret's mad at Roger for taking her son to see Planet of the Apes on Don's recommendation. Margaret's son is having nightmares, and Margaret is pissed. Margaret tells Roger he has to call Mona the next time he wants to see his grandson and that Mona has to be there.  I think Margaret is overreacting just a smidge. At camp, Betty's having breakfast with Henry and he politely says good morning to Henry, who apparently doesn't suspect. Don goes over to a far corner and eats breakfast all by his lonesome. 

At Joanie's, Joanie's going to the beach with Bob Benson. Joan tells Bob that Pete is looking for a good nurse for his mom. Then Roger shows up. Roger has no idea who Bob is and Bob is like, I work for you. I'm the smarmy guy in accounts. Remember?

Roger comes up with a lame excuse for why he's dropping in unannounced because Bob of course cannot know that Roger is Kevin's father. All seriousness aside, WTF is up with Bob's shorts?

You guys! Guess if I've paired these snazzy shorts with socks and sandals. Go ahead. Take a guess.

I get that this was the fashion, but what is the pattern on those? Trout? WTF.

PEGGY HAS A BAYONET. Which I find hilarious. Because it is World War I. There's apparently a riot going on (in Spanish) outside, which is not in fact WWI. Abe comes in and asks Peggy what's going on. Peggy turns around. THEN PEGGY STABS ABE. 

In the ambulance, Abe tells Peggy that her activities are "offensive to his every waking moment" and basically breaks up with her while he's struggling to stay alive. Most epic break-up ever. I have about had it with Abe, but I was hoping that Peggy could at least do the dumping this time around. Nope. No such luck. To top it all off, the EMT hears it all. Now Peggy has been publicly dumped by a guy who is bleeding out. Sorry, sister. However, I do enjoy that Abe got stabbed a bunch in this episode.  That kind of filled me with glee.

IT IS TOTALLY WORLD WAR I. 

At Megan and Don's, Megan tells Don that she's unhappy and that he feels distant. He kisses her, and they seem to reconcile for the time being.

Roger presents Joan with some Lincoln Logs for Kevin. Joan tells Roger that he can't drop in on her and act like Kevin's father whenever he wants. It's better for Kevin to think that his father is Greg, although Greg is in Vietnam. That's right, Roger. An absent rapist jerk-off is a better father figure for Kevvy than you are.

Bob enters Pete's office and tells Pete he's aware that Pete needs a nurse for his mother. Bob gives Pete a recommendation for a nurse. That's a nice gesture, but I still think Bob is on the make. 

Peggy knocks on Ted's door the next morning. Abe got stabbed, but he's going to be fine. Peggy tells Ted that she and Abe have broken up, in the hopes that he'd be willing to have a relationship with her.  It's not a completely far-fetched hope, since Ted did tell Peggy he was in love with her and she's seen many a coworker leave his wife for a younger woman (:coughcoughRogercough).  Peggy's not so lucky (when is she, really?). Ted basically rebuffs her, and Peggy leaves his office, blinking back tears. 

Okay, this has gotten real old.

Different guy. Same story. The final scene shows Peggy standing in the hallway between Don and Ted's respective offices. Perhaps realizing that they're the same French actress in two different wigs?

Oh, Peggy. What can I say?

New episode next week. Let's watch to see if Peggy catches a break, or if her dreams of  eventually finding a fulfilling relationship come crashing down in a burning pile of rubble and hellfire. 

Which lucky cast member will get stabbed next week?