Everyone Gets Flirty on Mondays

So apparently my last Bates Motel recap didn't post properly, despite my attempts to get it to schedule. It's up now, and you may want to read it before reading this one below. Or not, depending on your tolerance for confusion. 

The Creepy County, OR, Coroner’s Office is carting Shelby’s body out of the house while the local teenage hippie constabulary watches from the motel. Inside, Mother tells the police that she’s convinced that Abernathy, the Dapper Man, is the one who put the body in her bed. “Why do crazy people keep gravitating towards me?” she hilariously asks while cradling herself to Norman. The next morning, Dylan and Norman cart the dirty mattress out for burning. Dylan believes that Mother will “make a meal out of this for a year” while the dirty hippies that Dylan brought with him are smoking down on the porch of the motel. Mother tries to put an end to it, but what can you do with dirty hippies? When Dylan inadvertently admits that his job is helping to process the very dope the kids are smoking, Mother comes to the end of her rope and announces that they are moving.

There goes the neighborhood.

The next morning, Emma has arrived at the motel early to help Mother organize the office. Mother tells her to trash everything not related to the original deeds to the motel.  At the same time, flowers arrive for Mother with a note saying “see you soon…” Creepy Abernathy is hitting his stride, obviously. Mother tries to call the sheriff to tell him about the warning, but the cops are less than eager to help.

In town, Bradley approaches Dylan to ask him if he would get her inside her dad’s old office at Gil’s place. Dylan agrees and there is a ton of flirty eyes going on between them. Dylan, buddy, don’t do it, man. Mother, meanwhile, visits the real estate agent who sold her the motel to get him to re-list the motel and yell at him for not telling her about the highway bypass when he sold it to her.

Mother is cleaning the hotel rooms when Abernathy drives by slowly, not wanting to waste a single creepy stereotype. Late, desperate for a reprieve, Mother is googling “safest cities in America” when Norman arrives home with his stuffed dog. Mother’s a little creeped out by Norman’s new hobby, but she tries to be supportive. Norman tells Mother how good he’s doing in school and that he really doesn’t want to leave. Later that night, Norman is looking up dream interpretation about drowning someone when Dylan oversees him. Norman confesses that he has been dreaming about drowning Bradley in a bathtub, but not to worry – he doesn’t want to hurt anyone in real life, “except for you once in a while.” LOLs! But no. He’s nuts, Dylan. Get out.

At the Motel, Emma spies one of the teenage hippies with his dope. Mother has told her not to let any of that kind of thing happen, so she meekly goes to put an end to it. The teenage hippie reluctantly agrees after she plays to his good nature and there are more flirty eyes happening. Stay with this one, Emma. 

It’s bad when the drugged out kid in the dirty motel is a better option than your current love interest.

In school, Norman’s guidance counselor praises him for a short story he wrote and offers to help him sell it to a local literary publication. She asks him to stop by later so she can “help” him with it. The story is about a man who’s on fire on the inside and the counselor is intrigued, calling Norman an “old soul.” And yes, she’s making the flirty eyes too. Because why not, really?

That night the hippies hang out playing late 90s Goo Goo Dolls songs on their guitar (seriously) when the sheriff arrives looking after Mother’s call earlier in the day. The sheriff says he’ll look into the florist, but tells Mother that Jake Abernathy doesn’t have any records on file and doesn’t seem to exist. There’s not much he can do, but he’ll have the house patrolled to keep her safe.

Dylan meets up with Bradley and offers to pack up her father’s office and bring the stuff to her given Gil’s antipathy towards her father. Bradley tells Dylan that she really wants to see her dad’s office one last time, because memories. Dylan is moved by her and agrees to smuggle her into the office in person.

Emma arrives at the motel for work to find a pot brownie left for her by Gunner, the teenage stoner with an apology note. Later in her shift, she decides to give the brownie a taste and, naturally, devours the entire thing.

Mother, meanwhile, is showing Norman a picture of a charming little cottage on the beach that she’s found in Oahu, which, btw, is listed as one of the safest places in the country. Norman tells her that he’s not moving and she can’t make him. In the ensuing fight, Norman tells her that she’s crazy and it’s about to get worse when Emma enters the room, strung out and telling everyone she thinks the motel office might be bugged because she feels like she’s being watched and OMG you guys, do you know how the stairs feel? Yup, she’s high.

Later, Dylan sneaks Bradley into the office through the roof when Remo starts shooting at them, thinking they’re burglars. He isn’t pleased, but lets them have ten minutes. Getting into the office, Bradley gets emotional over her father’s death and starts searching through the desk, ostensibly for an old pocket watch of her father’s. In the process, she finds love letters written to her father not by her mother. “Why would he do this?” she asks. “People are complicated,” Dylan tells her and hugs her.

"How can I possibly make all my relationships more complicated? Hrm..."

Later, Mother comes to Norman’s room and asks to sleep in his room after being weireded out by what happened in her room. Norman tells her he’ll take the floor, but she insists they can both fit in the bed. Anyway, they reminisce about sleepovers they used to have when Norman was a kid and would watch movies in her bed before snuggling up and going to sleep.

Yup, this happened. Sometimes I just don't have the words, you guys.

The next day, Norman tells his guidance counselor that he doesn’t want to submit the story for publication, saying Mother wouldn’t like it. The counselor says he doesn’t really need to tell Mother, telling Norman that she can tell there’s trouble in his home life and that maybe he needs something of his own.

Mother comes to her real estate agent asking about the open house she’s asked him to schedule for the motel. He tells her that there’s not going to be a market for the motel and that she’s underwater and should probably just walk away from it. Mother looses her temper, attacking him with her purse and threatening to sue him before storming off. And who should be waiting for her in the backseat of her car but Abernathy who holds a gun to her neck and tells her that Shelby owed him over $150,000 from his last sex trade sale and that Mother is going to make good on the money by tomorrow night or he’ll kill her and her family.

Season Finale next week, kids!