Tuesday, March 12, 2013

You Shady Bitch

Hello, everyone! It's me, Lady Gillian Ravenscroft-Anderson, under my new moniker, Arsenic Pie. I had a Google account and Google wouldn't let me change my name, since my aristocratic pseudonym somehow violates their name policy, but Arsenic Pie they are totally fine with. So, since Google wouldn't let me change my chosen nom de plume, I decided to go with Arsenic Pie, in homage to dear Anna Bates, and this will be the name I write under forthwith.

This creative sobriquet debacle naturally turned my attention to drag queens.

                                                                     Can I get an amen?

This week on RuPaul's Drag Race, the big news after Jade Jolie's elimination (will miss you, Jade!) is that Miss Alaska no longer wants to be part of Rolaskatox. No, that's not a new drug for that nasty skin rash. That's a clique comprised of Alaska, Roxxxy Andrews (yes, I spelled that right) and Detox. Ro-laska-tox. Alaska's upset that she hasn't won a challenge yet, and feels that leaving Rolaskatox will allow her to stand out.  Alaska wins the mini-challenge, involving improv verbal bitch-slaps of fellow queens (known apparently in drag circles as "reading").  It's on to this week's main challenge: The RuPaul Roast (proudly supported by Absolut). They will be roasting Ru, and each other, in front of a live audience. No one is safe at a roast, chickens!

Eat your heart out, Natalie Portman!

There's high pressure on Jinkx Monsoon (the "k" is silent), known thus far as the comedy queen. Her turn as Little Edie from Grey Gardens during the Snatch Game a few weeks ago was a ballsy (heh) move that paid off. She won that challenge due in no small part to her professional and highly entertaining performance. Pressure is also on Ivy Winters, who is very polite and sweet, and we all know that doesn't lead to snarkiness. The tiresome rivalry between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards (who became frenemies during a previous pageant) rears its orange-foundationed head. Alyssa is failboating all over the place trying to come up with jokes, and there's a real chance that she will go home and her old rival Coco will triumph! The dramz!

                                                                      Craycray. Party of one. 

This is the episode where we learn that Miss Jinkx has narcolepsy. Seriously. She's the Narcoleptic Drag Queen. She falls asleep in the workroom, which is the funniest thing that happens during the first half of the episode. My money was on Alaska to win this challenge. She's had some of the best one-liners this season. However, Coco's presenting a challenge as RuPaul's ghetto cousin, and although Jinkx is a mad talented actress, her runway has been her weak point. 

                                                            Girrrrlll. You got to be more FIERCE.

Helping in their roasting quest are: RuPaul's First Lady, show judge Michelle Visage; comedienne Deven Green; comedienne Nadya Ginsberg; and Bruce Valanch. Many of the jokes during the queens' dry run fall flatter than a bad weave. All of these bitches better step up their game posthaste.

During the runway and live roast, Alaska starts off, ribbing guest judge Lesley Jordan and Michelle Visage, and kills it. She is laugh-out loud funny. It was a gutsy move for her to choose to go first, and she will be a tough act to follow. Roxxxy Andrews is up next, with lame jokes and painful delivery. Up next is Coco Montrese, bringing up the energy level back to where Alaska established it. Coco is followed by Jinkx Monsoon, who brings it!  Ivy Winters surprises everyone with funny jokes and well-timed delivery, although she is visibly nervous and relies heavily on her note cards. Alyssa does an all right job, and maybe it would be passable if her competition hadn't been so, um, FIERCE! Her jokes range from obvious to mean, and her delivery is only okay. She's completely upstaged by the other queens. Finally, Detox brings it home. I'm a fan of f-bombs, but Detox drops too many out of nerves. However, the rest of her jokes and her delivery show comedic ability, so she is definitely safe. At the end of the challenge, it really looks like the person in most danger of being eliminated is Roxxxy, who had done reasonably well in the competition up to this point.  A triumph for Miss Jinkxsy Ma'am tonight is that Michelle finally praises her runway look, which she's been very critical of for not being glamorous enough.

Coco wins! Unsurprisingly, the bottom two are Alyssa and Roxxxy, and Ivy is safe. The queens lip-synch it out to "Whip My Hair," by Willow Smith. Roxxxy breaks down and tells us her mom never wanted her. She left Roxxxy and her sister at a bus stop when they were little. Oh, please. I thought strife made people funny, but apparently not.  I think that'll be my excuse for everything for the rest of my life from now on. Ru gets emotional, saying that gay people get to choose their family, and tells her that they all love her. Well, after that, you can't eliminate anyone without looking totally heartless, soooo…SHANTE YOU BOTH STAY!! Call me cynical (I am), but I think that was a ploy by Roxxxy to stay on the show. 

                                                                     Now in grape!

After the "shocking" double elimination a few weeks ago, the show can afford to save two people this week. At least the theatrics will continue between Alyssa and Coco for another week. We'll see what sorts of shenanigans the Drag Race ladiez have in store for us next week. RuPaul's Drag Race airs Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on LOGO. 



Andrea Hart said...

What on earth are you watching.... Whoa.

Clovis said...

One of us! One of us!

Arsenic Pie said...

Iz Rupaulicious, bijez!