Costumed Aggression

Welcome back, my minions. In all seriousness, I am still recovering from the shock I received watching last Sunday's episode, and I actually think I am going to skip recapping that one, to be perfectly honest with you guys. 

If you are picking up where we left off of the season premiere (at around the 50 minute mark, give or take), Granny has just given Lady Mary a good talking to about being a SURVIVAH. 

In Ripon, Lady Cora and Lady Rose are meeting with Edna about the lady's maid position. Edna makes up a story about caring for a nonexistent aunt so she won't have to go interview at Downton. HELLO YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB THERE, DEARY. THIS MEANS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO THERE SOMETIMES. Anyway, she's apparently trying to avoid Mrs. Hughes. Her scheme is to get hired before Mrs. Hughes tells Lady Cora that Edna is weird and creepy. She admits to having worked at Downton as a parlour maid, and hands her the ref from Mrs. Hughes. She tells Cora that the reason she left service at Downton was so she could train as a lady's maid. Cora and Rose buy her story and give her the job.

In bumbling Molesley news, Molesley accompanies Lady V to tea at Lady Shackleton's, and he blabs to Lady Shackleton's butler that Lady Shackleton might give him (Molesley) the butler's job. The butler says, "Umm. No," and sets about sabotaging Molesley's interview for Lady Shackleton, who proceeds to insult him and his butlering skills. Lady Violet shamfacedly takes Molesley away.

Continuing in news of the poorz, Grigg has arrived at Isobel's. Isobel immediately sets to work rehabbing him. 

I've mostly worked with prostitutes, but I suppose I could apply my skills to a down-on-his-luck actor.

Okay, enough of the working class. Back to the rich people! Edith arrives at The Criterion in London to meet with Gregson. She runs in and looks for Him. Is He there waiting for her? He is. He has News. He can divorce wifey in Germany if he becomes a German citizen. Edith asks him if he'd really do that for her, and he replies that he'd become AN ESKIMO for her. An. Eskimo. 

Because in Inuit culture, when your wife goes insane, you can just pop her onto an ice floe.

Oh, Michael! You say the sweetest things. !!! Smoochie-smoochie.

Cora tells Mrs. Hughes that she's hired Edna Braithwaite to be her new lady's maid. For. Real. Mrs. Hughes is like YOU DID WHAT. Cora chastises Mrs. Hughes for trying to hold the poor young girl back, and Mrs. Hughes decides against telling Cora the real reason she fired Edna, which I kinda don't understand. I feel like Mrs. Hughes is their trusted housekeeper, and if she told Cora that she fired Edna because she was trying to tear off Branson's pants like the day after Sybil died, Cora would listen to her, don't you think? What sayest thou? Mrs. Hughes and Carson meet with Branson and tell him that Cora's hired Edna, so look out, brother. Branson volunteers to tell Cora about what went down with Edna, and why he asked Mrs. Hughes to write her a good reference, but Carson stops him, because he doesn't want Cora to think Sybil's husband was "unworthy." No. Seriously. No. This is legit pissing me off. Why can't Carson and Mrs. Hughes go to Cora and tell her the truth about Edna? I guess that would mean we'd be down a subplot, and we all know JF prefers quantity of subplots over quality. But this legit makes no sense to me whatsoever. 

We mustn't under any circumstances let Lady Grantham know she's hired yet another crazy person.

.
Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore calls Alfred into the kitchen to tell Daisy to her face that he sent a Valentine to Ivy and not to her. I feel like this was not a good move on Mrs. Patmore's part. I get she was trying to make Daisy feel better about being so undesirable to the opposite sex and all, but sending her that Valentine only resulted in Daisy feeling humiliated. Then she involved Alfred by forcing him to tell Daisy that he wasn't into her. I don't think Mrs. Patmore was trying to be mean, but the whole thing backfired. Mrs. Patmore defo owes her a Cuisinart. I'm sorry, Daisy. Here's a pie. 

Eat your feelings. 

This week on ¡Dios Mio!, Lady Cora is walking outside the nursery and she overhears Evil Nanny West calling Lil Sybbie a "wicked little crossbreed" and a "chauffeur's daughter." For. Real. Cora walks in and is like dafuq are you saying to my grandchildren, and Evil Nanny West realizes that this is not a good look for her. She tries to explain to Cora how she was just "having a game" and explainin' to wee little Sybbie that she was an abomination in the sight of me Luurrrrd. 

I was just explainin' to the wee bairn that she's the spawn of an unnatural union. :)

Cora's like aww hell no and she fires her on the spot. Nanny West blabbers some more, but Cora summons Mrs. Hughes and tells her to put Nanny West in a different room for the night and kick her out in the morning. Well, since people who get fired from Downton always find a way to worm their way back onto the show, let's wait in anticipation for the eventual return of Evil Nanny West.

Won't it be fun to watch this place burn?

Cora later personally thanks Thomas and tells Robert that they owe him a debt of gratitude. Robert's angry that they've gotten rid of another nanny, because they're going through them faster than Captain Von Trapp.

I'm here for your children.

Down in the drawing room before dinner, Robert is with Widow Mary. The subject turns to Edith and Gregson, and she admits that Edith hasn't done too shabby with Gregson. Robert asks if he should be worried if it's serious, and if Mary knows much about Gregson. Mary says she doesn't, and remembers that Gregson talked to Matthew and then... then she abruptly stops talking because she either got all sad remembering Matthew, OR she remembers the thing. The one thing. Matthew told her that Gregson is already married, and she abruptly SHUTS UP. Good call, Mary. So is Mary going to use that as leverage to get back at Edith? Let's hope so. Robert changes the subject to shop, and Robert reiterates that he's right not to trouble Mary's feeble little female brain with talk of manly subjects like money and property and inheritance. Robert tells Mary to go to bed, and she agrees.

Mary exits the drawing room and is heading upstairs, but then she realizes she should probably go apologize to Carson, and she ends up bawling in his arms. *Tissues*

I wish you were my real dad. :( 

Down in the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore's trying to learn how to use the electric mixer, because Daisy knows how to use it, and that puts Daisy ahead of Mrs. Patmore. Mrs. Patmore has made a huge mess with whatever pancake batter she was trying to mix up. PRO-TIP: USE A SPOON. Mrs. Hughes volunteers to help clean up the mess, which is apparently going to take two people all night to clean up. It doesn't look like that big of a mess to me. Dear 1922: Get a Swiffer Wet Jet. 

At the trustees' luncheon, there's a lot of harumphing and then Mary surprises everyone by showing up AND wearing something other than black. Branson is stoked and gives up his seat to her (STOP SHIPPING THEM. NOW.), but Robert isn't thrilled. Ofs. 

Home stretch now, m'loves.

Anna warns the new batshit cray maid that she might want to steer clear of Thomas, and I'm not sure why we have to start up all of that Thomas vs. Anna and Bates business again because I thought it had been settled last season when Bates helped Thomas keep his job, but since we don't ever want to be in want of a plot, I guess the intrigue must go on.

Mary receives a Mysterious Box from Matthew's office that just HAPPENED to be sitting around that no one noticed until JUST NOW. Instead of giving the box to whom it has been addressed (Lady Stinkin Mary), Carson and Hughes decide to give it to Robert. Palm, meet Face. Robert opens it up, and finds a A Letter that Matthew wrote just before he died, detailing his wishes should something happen to him. Legit. He wrote the letter LITERALLY before he died. Robert is like, "Hmm. Should I show this to Mary?" OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. He takes it to Lady Violet and asks her opinion and she tells him to show it to Mary, and Robert still is like, "Hmmm. No. I'm not sure."  No, I really think I'm right in this, Mamma. No, you're not, Robert. There is something you are and it starts with "Wrong." Robert finally decides to show it to Mary and Mary reads it and says, "Whhhaaaaa?" Then there's some filler until we find out what the letter says.

We find out the letter WHICH MATTHEW WROTE BEFORE HE DROVE BACK TO YORKSHIRE AND DIED, says that, should anything happen to him, he wants Mary to be his sole heir. OF COURSE IT SAYS THAT AND OF COURSE HE DID. But is the letter a valid legal document? Let's take it to Murray. Survey says: of course it's valid. Do you know what this means? It means homegirl finally gets to inherit some good shit. 

Clarkson visits Grigg and Isobel (SQUEE) and tells Isobel that Grigg is much better now, thanks to her. Isobel finds Grigg a position at a theater Belfast and so he's going to Ireland. Mrs. Hughes encourages Carson to make up with Grigg before Grigg goes off to Belfast PERHAPS FOREVER BECAUSE THERE ARE NO BOATS.

But wait! There's more! In Rose is our Lady Sybil replacement news, Rose decides that she wants to go to slumming it at a dance in York at some sort of working class watering hole, but she can't ask Lady Cora or Lady Mary for permission, so she asks Anna to take her. Anna is reluctant but she agrees to take Rose anyway. It is the Roaring 20s, after all, and one must roar if one is to be accepted in society. Rose goes and poses as a parlour maid at Downton Abbey.

It's fun pretending to be poor! 

Rose thinks the dance will be ever so much fun and JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN TITANIC WHEN KATE WINSLET GOES BELOW DECKS TO DANCE WITH LEO DICAPRIO, so she agrees to dance with a working-class bloke, Sam. Then they run into Jimmy, who is hanging out there by himself, apparently. But the fun ends there. Rose catches the eye of another working-class bloke and he asks to dance with Rose and she refuses. 

You're doing it wrong. That is not how you twerk.

Then there's a bar fight and the police arrive and Rose, Anna, Jimmy have to scurry out of there and run home so they don't end up in the pokey. So, at a fancy dinner that evening, Sam decides to show up at the kitchen of Downton Abbey and ask for, "the parlour maid, Rose" and Thomas answers the door and he is like, "Um....Whaaaaaaat?" Anna dresses Rose up in a maid outfit, because apparently telling Sammy the truth would be too much for the lad. Sam asks to call on Rose, but she lies and tells him she's promised to marry a farmer. Then they kiss and Sam leaves. Hahaha. Meeeee, Rose Flintcher, marry a farmer. OH IT IS TOO DROLL. 

No way will this ever come back to bite me in the ass. 

Branson and Lady Violet convince Mary to learn more about running the estate, and Branson takes Mary on a tour of the estate. Mary brings it up at dinner that evening, and that's when Robert decides to humiliate her by pointing out the obvious holes in her landed gentry knowledge. 

So, as I stated above, I will not be recapping this past week's episode of DA. It's not to do with anything wrong with the episode per se. It is just that, considering the disturbing events of that episode, I don't feel comfortable writing a recap that entails my personal opinions about rape or the inclusion of sexual assault in the show's story arc. For the sake of varying viewpoints, there is plenty being said here and here and here and across the internet as a whole.

So, please excuse the lack of an AP recap for this past week's episode. Feel free to discuss in the comment section. Instead of a recap, here's a red panda.

Put a bullet in Killer Women, please.

A few days ago, Arsenic Pie and I gathered online to discuss the new ABC "drama," Killer Women, starring Battlestar Galactica's hottest cylon, Tricia Helfer. Here are our thoughts:

Maggie Cats: So, Killer Women. I found it extremely silly.

Arsenic Pie: I liked how it started with a bloody shooting and ended with the main character playing the trumpet in a mariachi band. Like what the actual fuck? But I totes believe Caprica Six can really play the trumpet. But was that really the best place to introduce this talent?

Maggie Cats: I get the feeling the people behind it aren't exactly sure what they want the show to be.

Arsenic Pie: I got from it... and this may just be me. That they were going for like a Robert Rodriguez Grindhouse kind of thing. Or a cheesed out Charlie's Angels.

Maggie Cats: The problem is they were shooting for all those things. Plus a classic action show, like Walker, Texas Ranger. But you can't have all those things in one show.

Arsenic Pie I couldn't tell if they were referencing 70s cop shows or making fun of them. There were so many cliches.

Oh, yes, this show looks completely serious.

Maggie Cats: Speaking of her brother....another BSG alum! Michael Trucco!

Arsenic Pie: On a semi related note, I saw that Boomer is on a show now too.

Maggie Cats: You mean ....Hawaii 5-0?

Arsenic Pie: Yes!

Maggie Cats: You know that show has been on for like 2 years, right? YOU WRITE FOR A TV BLOG, WOMAN. Get it together.

Arsenic Pie *hangs head in shame*

Maggie Cats: Ok, so back to this show. I thought Tricia Helfer was good in the role, but again, the character was not well-defined.

Arsenic Pie: Right. She is kind of a stock character. A tough, no-nonsense cop who fights bad guys and the sexism of being a woman in a man's world.

Maggie Cats: I guess she is supposed to be kickass...but doesn't really do a lot of fighting. And then she is supposed to be sexy--and I'll give them that one. But then she is crying about being beaten by her husband, and I was like what?

Arsenic Pie: I know, right? Because that's what the vajays like to watch. Stories about women who have been abused...

Maggie Cats:... and then she risks her life, her DEA boyfriend's life, and gets a random informant killed because she feels bad about doing her job (i.e. pursuing an investigation that ends up implicating the drug cartels).

Arsenic Pie: She's female. Her ovaries cause guilt. I liked DEA Dan though.

Maggie Cats: It was Riley from Buffy! I think I just find that actor boring though, sorry Marc Blucas!

Yup, still boring.

Arsenic Pie: He is just a random dudebro, but more appealing than her douhe ex. And the plot was predictable.

Maggie Cats: One more issue--did they ever actually explain WHAT the Texas Rangers are or what they do?

Arsenic Pie: I feel like they think we should have a background from watching Walker, Texas Ranger. Are they like the state police?

Maggie Cats: I have no idea and that is not good for the show. On Justified, they always make clear who the US Marshals are.

Arsenic Pie: I figured about five minutes after she had her Hunch that the shooting had something to do with a drug cartel. Because Mexicans.

Maggie Cats: Exactly. Those crazy Mexicans and their drugs. Oh, and I just looked up the Texas Rangers. From wiki:

The Texas Ranger Division, commonly called the Texas Rangers, is a law enforcement agency with statewide jurisdiction in Texas, and is based in Austin, Texas. Over the years, the Texas Rangers have investigated crimes ranging from murder to political corruption, acted as riot police and as detectives, protected the Governor of Texas, tracked down fugitives, and functioned as a paramilitary force at the service of both the Republic (1836–45) and the state of Texas. 

...but that still doesn't explain how they fit in with the state police, etc.

Arsenic Pie: I'm on the Wiki page now. So much jinx.

Maggie Cats: This is just another example of Texas being wacky.

Arsenic Pie: I fee like they must be comparable to state police. Maggie, are you messing with Texas? I've been told one should not do that.

Maggie Cats: Who me? NEVER. Oh, the one thing that actually amused me in the pilot episode....after the shooting in the Church, like 10 people ran outside, pulled out their guns, and shot at the shooter's car as she was fleeing. Oh, Texas.

Arsenic Pie: I KNOW.

Maggie Cats: Guns in Church!

Arsenic Pie: YOU KNOW THAT CLIP WAS ON THE SOUP.

Maggie Cats: I am not surprised.

Arsenic Pie Well, it's Texas. You know everybody's packing. But still. Everybody runs outside and starts shooting at the getaway car. What the fuck.

Maggie Cats: I don't think I will keep watching. Pick a concept and stick with it. Either be a silly throwback to 80s and 90s cop shows, or be a solid action procedural.

Arsenic Pie: I won't keep watching either. It doesn't know what it's supposed to be. I find it amusing that the person who wrote the episode was named, "Hannah Shakespeare." I'm positive that's a pseudonym. A sadly ironic pseudonym.

Maggie Cats: Hannah has been dealing with that prejudice her entire life.

Arsenic Pie: She has. Poor Hannah. She's a tough, no-nonsense screenwriter.

Maggie Cats: You are such a hater.

Arsenic Pie: Hannah the screenwriter is fighting for justice in a man's world. And hatas gonna hate.

Maggie Cats: She has a pen and she isn't afraid to use it. Because in Texas, the pen is mightier than the shotgun.

Arsenic Pie: So sometimes she takes matters into her own hands. And uses her smartphone. DUHN-DUHN.

Maggie Cats: I would watch that show more than Killer Women, actually.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, something that was straight up self referential and quirky. I stopped taking ABC seriously long ago, but come on.

Maggie Cats: Sad, but true. They tried to get serious with The Assets (which I reviewed earlier) and it got canceled after two episodes.

Arsenic Pie: I think whoever created Killer Women thinks it's serious.

...and from that point on the conversation split into multiple tangents, including how lesbianism was improving NBC's Dracula, but not by much. The basic point is, Killer Women is a confusing mish mash of genres and probably not worth your time. Unless you find Tricia Helfer so hot you will watch her in anything. In that case, have at it.

Killer Women airs Tuesdays at 10:00 EST on ABC.

Death and Taxes

Yeah, so, I don't know about the rest of you fine folks, but I'm still just waiting for Lady Violet to turn back into a cat and trot off down the road, get on a northbound train, and head to Hogwarts. Let's face it, that would be the most realistic thing that happened on this show.

Yes, folks. It's another season of Downton Abbey. Get ready for more of Robert making stupid decisions, doubling down on them, and then regretting them AFTER HE GETS SOMEONE KILLED. Also, there will be lots of newfangled gadgetry appearing downstairs in the kitchen. IT MIGHT BECOME SENTIENT AND ENSLAVE ALL OF YORKSHIRE, so stay tuned! There's no shortage of scheming maids coming through the pipeline. So sit yourself down to your tea and crumpets and prepare yourself to be served up some telenovela realness from our friends across the Pond.

The season premiere was highly entertaining, and gave ever more fuel to the theory Clovis has that Julian Fellowes is secretly a genius and the show really is a black comedy. We've even come up with some potential plot lines that JF could use if he only paid us in advance, plus gave us a cut of royalties.

AP: Am waiting for M to return and say he faked his death. And it was his evil Siamese twin who died.

Clovis: OMG! YES, PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN, JF!

AP: WE UNDERSTAND YOUR GENIUS, JF!

Clovis: OMG EVEN BETTER PLAN. Matthew returns with news that it was his Siamese twin who died BUT the real Matthew has since had to hide his identity and so has gotten surgery to change his face, thus allowing a new actor to play the part.THIS SHIT PRACTICALLY WRITES ITSELF!!!

Either that or Matthew will return as a ghost and there will be some full on Wuthering Heights refs. We've already got Jane Eyre subplot happening. MOAR WEAK BRONTЁ SISTER PLOT RIP-OFFS. MOAR.

Enough about our brilliance. To the Recapmobile!

Does anyone else keep thinking that that Ralph Lauren commercial is part of the show? Because I sure do.

Season 4 of Downton Abbey begins exactly where we expected it -- picking up the pieces after Matthew Crawley's death.

Thanks, Obama.

The episode -- entitled "So. Much. Facepalm." -- begins with a shadowy figure leaving Downton in the middle of the night. Said figure packs bags and leaves notes. Who is it? Is it Edith? Oh, God! Please tell me it's Edith. If I were Edith, I would have run away a long time ago. Oh, drat, no! Curses! The morning reveals that it was O'Brien. O'Brien's decamped for India to be Lady Flintcher's lady's maid. Lady Flintcher, as you will recall, is Flapper Rose's mama. You see, kids, if a downstairs cast member leaves the show, they get a free trip to India. If a family cast member leaves the show, they die in a horribly graphic manner. Cheers! Why did she have to leave in the middle of the night? Geez, what a shady ho.

Well, nobody gives tuppence about O'Brien except Lady Cora, who needs someone else to try to kill her/make her miscarry with a bar of soap/do her hair, and so she's in need of a new scheming lady's maid. Oh, dear! We will have to hire more help! Robert's mad at Rose for not telling them that O'Brien was interested in traveling, but I guess they were all a tad distracted by the heir to the estate falling out of his car. Edith offers to put an advert in The Lady, but Rose feels guilty about Cora losing her maid, so she takes it upon herself to put an advertisement in a shop window in town. Anna, meanwhile, will see to her ladyship because Mary just wants to wear black and drink gin.

Mary is, of course, in deep mourning, and is of no use to anyone, especially Little Georgie, whom she's given charge of over to Evil Nanny West. Don't worry, folks. Just because O'Brien's gone, that doesn't mean that we have run plum out of psychopathic waitstaff. Oh, dear me, my dudes. No. Evil Nanny West is straight out of Yorkshire's world-renowned Dickensian Batshittery Factory. Thomas doesn't like her. Ordinarily Thomas would pair off with a fellow sociopath, but Nanny West's evil machinations are in conflict with Thomas Barrow's evil machinations, so she must be gotten rid of posthaste!

I sense a hint of... me.

Mary is in deep mourning over Matthew's death, and she's got a really sick black kimono to match. Branson wants to involve Mary in running the estate, but Robert forbids it. Because he's right about all things all the time always. 

Robert's thinking about abandoning Branson's plan for the estate, because they have to pay death taxes on the inheritance. Branson repeats his desire for Mary to be involved because she is George's guardian, but Robert nixes the idea, reminding Branson that Mary's experiencing the worst kind of pain. Hey, Robert. Remember when Branson married your daughter and she died and it was your fault? Yeah, those were good times. Facepalm.  I guess Robert forgot.

Yes, yes. You're grieving, too. But you're a peasant.

In adorable downstairs angst news, Molesley is looking for work. As we know, he was Matthew's blundering valet, and times they may be a-changin', but when your employer dies, you're also fucked. Molesley comes to Carson to ask for work, and Carson reluctantly has to tell him that there's no work to be had at the Abbey for a valet. Molesley later goes to Isobel to ask for his old job back, and Isobel has to turn him down as well. Since she's a widow. And just eats off a tray. Because her only child died senselessly. The second adorable downstairs angst plotline is that Carson is getting mail from his former Vaudeville partner, and Mrs. Hughes finds the letter in the trash. Throw out your incriminating trash, people. 

In Edith wins news, IT'S EDITH FTW!! Cora's come around to being supportive of Edith's relationship with the parvenu Gregson (girl ain't getting any younger), and Cora tries to sway Robert, but he's still not into this intermarrying with the underclasses. He married non-titled new money (and an American to boot, good heavens!), but that's different. WORK WITH WHAT YOU GOT, HOOKER.

The pretty one's dead... The bitchy one's widowed... I've got a boyfriend. Look out, 1922!

Let's talk about Lady Isobel, the person I feel sorriest for in all of this Matthew dying business. Mary is comically unsympathetic in her grief, but I feel for Lady Isobel, I do. I really want her to overcome her grief by getting with Dr. Clarkson and saving another prostitute from the streets. I really do. 

In there's no way this could possibly end badly news, the ad that Rose posted in the shop window has been seen by none other than Edna Braithwaite, the psycho stalker maid from Season 3. Remember her? The one who tried to rape Branson? I guess the one maid who was playing suck face with Robert on Season Two was unavailable for casting. Anyhoosle. Thanks, Rose. 

Girl, you need to fire your agent.

Hold just a second, my doves. My tea is ready. 

Learning is not one of Robert's strong points, and he tells Cora he feels that he needs to be in charge of running the estate in the absence of Matthew. Since Mary only owns 1/6 of the estate, he feels her contribution is insignificant. IF ONLY MATTHEW HAD LEFT BEHIND SOME WAY OF LETTING THE FAMILY KNOW HIS WISHES. Anyway, Cora feels like Robert is trying to shut Mary out, but since Mary has no interest in anything but staring out the window, Robert wants to take matters into his own hands. Death taxes on big estates in the UK went up after the war, and so Matthew's death has left the estate in financial straits yet once more. Since Matthew's not around anymore to be someone's heir, the Crawleys are out of inherited cashola.

In adorable downstairs plot line number four, Daisy has been sent a card for Valentine's Day. She has no idea who sent it. So she assumes it must be from Alfred. Totes. 

Mary is about to dramatically fling herself down walking down the stairs and she bumps into Edith, who has a Valentine from Him. HE wants Edith to come to London to go on a DATE at a RESTAURANT in PUBLIC and display their love for all of society to see.  

Who's getting her tiara polished? This girl. Whaat whaaaat. 

Cue audience bludgeoned with Irony Stick. Edith is going to London to meet with Gregson because he wants to talk with her about the spot of bother that is his insane wife. You all remember that, right? How his wife is insane and in a mental institution but he can't divorce her? Right? That really happened on the show. For really real. In reality.

Anyway, back to Mary. Homegirl has realized that it is Valentine's Day (OF ALL DAYS) and she is ALL ALONE. If I were Edith, I'd be gloating at that bitch HARD CORE, but Edith is nice about it and tries to hide from Mary the fact that she has a serious suitor, but Mary's out of fucks to give.

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, this is not the T you need.

Did you know that Ripon has a workhouse? It's true. Remnants of the Poor Law still in full swing in the early 20s. WTG, England! Mrs. Hughes visits Carson's old Vaudeville partner, Mr. Grigg. He's been reduced to living in a workhouse, and he had reached out to Carson for help. Mrs. Hughes tells Carson she went to visit Grigg, and he's furious. Carson refuses to help because of an old feud with Grigg, and we later learn that the source of the feud was A Lady. 

Mrs. Hughes reaches out to Isobel to help Mr. Grigg. She asks Isobel to help spring Grigg from the workhouse, and requests that Isobel take in Mr. Grigg. Isobel demurs, but Hughes insists that she set aside her grief. Stiff upper lip and whatnot.

SQUEE. Edith meets with Gregson and Gregson tells her that he's done some research about other countries where you can divorce someone for lunacy, but that would require moving there permanently. He names off Greece and Germany, but he is most sold on living in sin in Germany. JACKPOT. Solid plan.

Gregson: Let's take up permanent residence in Germany so I can rid myself of my craycray wife.

Edith: There's no way that could possibly go wrong!

Lady Violet takes it upon herself to introduce Molesley to Lady Shackleton, whose butler is retiring. She brings Molesley along with her to tea at Lady Shackleton's so he can show off his valeting skillz. 

Downstairs intrigue continues. Daisy has a new electric mixer and Mrs. Patmore warns her yet once more about the Rise of the Machines and human enslavement to their robot overlords. Jimmy teases Ivy about her Valentine's Day card, and hints that he sent it. Ivy speculates that if Jimmy sent her card, then someone else must have sent Daisy's, and so Daisy is ever more convinced that it was from Alfred. There's a reaction shot of Mrs. Patmore, and Mrs. Patmore later reveals that she sent Daisy a card so she wouldn't feel left out on Valentine's Day. What every girl wants. A pity Valentine. I kinda don't get why Ivy is supposed to be "the pretty one" and Daisy is supposed to be so much less attractive, since the make-up team on DA uglies up everyone. EXCEPT THOMAS. WHO IS BEAUTIFUL But I think we can all agree that William was a stellar lad and Alfred lacks both looks and brains to boot, so I do have to question Daisy's taste. Wasn't there a whole plot with her inheriting William's father's farm? Where did that go?

Myyyyyyyy Pity Valentiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Jimmy's hitting on Ivy for realzies now, and Alfred thinks he's just trying to make Alfred jealous, but Jimmy acts like he might be honestly interested in Ivy, so maybe the speculation about Jimmy being gay is a red herring. Or maybe Jimmy's interest in Ivy is a red herring. Anyway, I need a flow chart. And a fan video set to David Gray.   MY OVARIES JUST EXPLODED. 

Branson is keen on Mary taking her part in running the estate, and so he enlists Carson's help to persuade Mary and also maybe use his influence on Robert. Robert doesn't want Mary troubled by anything, and is insisting that he alone can keep the estate running.

I think we can all agree this whole past weekend disproves climate change.

Carson tries to talk to Mary about how she MAYBE MIGHT want to consider TRYING to move on with her life since Matthew isn't coming back (still holding out hope for the zombie plotline) and she turns back into Spoiled, Horrible Mary from Season 1. I kinda miss that Mary. She tells Carson that he is stepping out of his place, reminds him he's a servant and she's Milady, and basically makes him feel twenty kinds of horrible. Carson feels betrayed because he's always had a father/daughter relationship with Mary and let's face it. He has often been a better father to her than Robert has.

Meanwhile, instead of introducing YET ANOTHER subplot, there is progress in the first downstairs intrigue subplot. Thomas has had enough of Nanny West's monkeyshines. He approaches Cora and says it's not his place and all, milady, but he was just concerned and all about the children. He tells her he's seen Nanny West leaving the children unattended, and maybe she should consider installing a nanny cam. I know Thomas is a shade-throwing troll, but at least his scheming this time serves a purpose, because Nanny West is comically evil and I spent the entire episode wishing she would just go away.

It's just a spoon full of sugar, my pretties!

In awkward dinner conversation news, Mary's just gotten done breaking Carson's heart (and we love Carson) and she goes down to dinner and Lady Violet starts nagging her about doing some effing work on the estate. After all, as the dowager points out, it will fall to Mary to run things if anything happens to Robert before George is of age.

Why is everyone on her case all of a sudden. ????? IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY. AND MATTHEW SURVIVED THE WAR ONLY TO DIE IN A STUPID CAR CRASH. !!!!! She dramatically runs out of the dinner service. Robert takes charge and tells everyone he was right all along. Mary can't deal with this right now. He asks Violet if he's right and she says, "No." BOOM.

I still don't understand what this "week-end" is.

Proving once again that she is a bad ass, Lady V goes upstairs to talk to Mary before she leaves. I will allow you all to pause your DVR to audibly squee after Lady V reminds Mary she is her grandmother and that she loves her. Squee. 

Lady Violet lays down the T. She tells Mary for the good of Little George, she has to return to the land of the living. Mary feels like she was only not a bitch when Matthew was around, and how he's dead, so she feels like there's no point. Basically, her whole deal is she thinks George and everyone else would better off without her. Violet tells her that she needs to choose between living and dying, and everyone wants her to choose living.

Okay, maybe your father might not care so much if you died, but what does he know, really?

Thus ends Hour 1 of the season premiere. Stay tuned for Hour 2, sponsored by Zevia caffeinated soda products and Lean Cuisine. 

Putin on the Ritz

Well, you can't blame them for trying. It seems the networks have seen the success of Showtime's Homeland (and it's multiple Emmy wins) and now television series about US intelligence agencies are breaking out all over.

It's January so it's time for midseason premieres! In the Fall, the networks all tout their shows as the next big thing, but in reality they know most of those new shows are going to fail. There's always a back up plan and the networks have a bunch of new series waiting in the wings to take the empty time slots. This means that January is chock full of premieres, so let's get going on some of these reviews, shall we?

First up, The Assets!

I wasn't wowed by this one, and apparently most of America wasn't either. The first episode of this eight part miniseries debuted with the lowest rating in the key demo (a 0.7 among 18-49 year olds) of any drama to air on the big four networks. The lowest rating EVER. That's pretty impressive. No word yet on Putin's reaction to the series. 

Here's a basic plot summary from ABC:

The Assets is an eight-part miniseries based on the real life events of CIA counter-intelligence officer Sandy Grimes (Jodie Whittaker). 1985 serves as the backdrop to the final showdown of the Cold War when Sandy and her partner Jeanne Vertefeuille (Harriet Walter) vowed to find the mole that would turn out to be the most notorious traitor in US History, Aldrich Ames (Paul Rhys). Sandy is in a race against time to save the Soviet intelligence officers from being caught and killed. Living her own double life at home, this beautiful wife and mother vowed to stop at nothing until she uncovered the truth. The Assets will look inside the true, personal stories of the conclusion of the Cold War as told by the keepers of the nation’s secrets: the CIA.

It's basically Homeland set in 1980s. So instead of Middle Eastern terrorists, it's Russians. And the main blonde agent is kinda boring. And not crazy. And doesn't make goofy faces when she cries.

This is like 70% of the reason why I watch Homeland. The other 30% is hoping that Mandy Patinkin will sing.

I didn't hate it; the show had a lot of stuff going for it. The espionage stuff is all pretty neat, and there were some tense scenes of spy vs. spy shenanigans involving the CIA and the KGB. I also liked that the Russians weren't made to look like buffoons--they pose a genuine threat and out-maneuver the CIA at every turn in the first episode. It's also clear by the end of the first episode who the mole in the organization is.  Since it's a matter of public record now, keeping it secret would have been kind of silly. After 30 years, the cat is out of the bag.

There are some problems though. There was a lot of "huhs?" going on in the living room of my Dad's house for the first half of the episode. There's a difference between trusting the intelligence of your audience and being purposefully cagey. I guess they were hoping there would be a big "aha!" moment at the end when the pieces come together, but I wonder how many people actually made it that far.

In the end, I'll most likely keep watching, but if the pace doesn't pick up in the second episode or the characters don't become more engaging, I'm out.

The Assets airs Thursdays at 10:00 pm EST on ABC. You can view episodes online at the ABC website.

Second show: Intelligence!

It's kind of ballsy to name your show Intelligence. Especially if the underlying concept is kind of silly and completely derivative.

These two have seen it all before. And really so have you.

Hit it, promo monkeys!

In Intelligence, Josh Holloway stars as Gabriel Vaughn, a high-tech intelligence operative enhanced with a super-computer microchip in his brain. With this implant, Gabriel is the first human ever to be connected directly into the global information grid. He can hack into any data center and access key intel in the fight to protect the United States from its enemies. Marg Helgenberger stars as Lillian Strand, the director of the US Cyber Command who supports Gabriel and oversees the unit's missions. She assigns Riley Neal (Meghan Ory), a Secret Service agent, to protect Gabriel from outside threats, as well as from his appetite for reckless, unpredictable behavior and disregard for protocol.

Sound familiar? If you're a fan of NBC's Chuck, it should. Ok, so Josh Holloway's character isn't playing geeky 30 something....he's more of an ex-Delta Force superhuman crime-fighting machine. But still.

Intelligence is basically a standard CBS procedural masquerading as something more. They want it to be new! and exciting! But don't be fooled. Instead of a crime lab or whatever, it's the US Cyber Command (say what?). Sure, the first episode looked great--but almost every drama premiering on the networks these days looks good. I will admit that it had some great action sequences and fight scenes though, but nothing else about it really connected with me.

What you have here is last night's leftovers dressed up in some fancy packaging in an effort to make it more appetizing. And I count Josh Holloway among the wrapping. He's a looker alright, but still playing his usual wise-cracking tough guy character. Unlike Sawyer though, Gabriel has a quest! He needs to find his missing wife whom everyone is convinced was a traitor against America and died years ago. But he will never give up hope. Or something.

One more quibble. Other than a few Asian bad guys, everyone in this show is white. This was a HUGE problem for me, and rankled me throughout the pilot episode. In this day and age, it is basically inexcusable to have an ensemble show without any minorities. Get your shit together, CBS.

Oh, look! A show full of blandly attractive white people. SHOCKER.

Bottom line: unless you are hankering for another US agency procedural (this time dressed up with some admittedly awesome action scenes), skip it. Go watch SHIELD; while that show isn't perfect, at least has a sense of fun and some interesting ideas.

Intelligence airs Mondays at 10:00 EST on CBS.

Awwww. She In Yo Class, Yo!

It is I, gentle readers! Arsenic Pie! Back from the netherworld of holidays, presents, and, yes, pie. So much pie, in fact, that I have not been able to roll myself from the couch to my computer due to my near-diabetic coma. So I apologize for my recent silence. But fear not!

It is now January and that means the return of many of our beloved programs since they went on hiatus during the bleak midwinter.

The first of the premieres that I have been looking forward to -- and there are many -- (OMG SEASON 4 OF DOWNTON ABBEY OMG YOU GUYS!!!) is Community. Yes, yes, it's true. Miss Arsenic Pie takes time away from her erudite Auntie Beeb costume dramas to watch comedy. I'm not a huge or dedicated Community fan like this devoted comrade, but this girl does love herself some Joel McHale. It's one of those shows where if I find it in reruns on TV on Comedy Central I will watch it. I long ago gave up on network comedies, but I found myself pleasantly surprised by how clever and -- okay, I'll say it -- how downright stinkin' meta it is. This show, along with Archer and Brooklyn 99, is starting to restore my faith in 'Murican comedy programming. 'Murica. McHale. Mostly McHale.

How is Joel McHale today? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

As you know, the show follows the exploits of Jeff (Cutie McHottie Joel McHale) as Jeff, the disbarred lawyer who is forced to attend community college as part of his court sentence. Along for the ride are Jeff's love interest, Britta (Gillian Jacobs); our favorite Trudy Campbell, Alison Brie, as Annie; the always hilarious Ken Jeong as psychotic Spanish instructor, Señor Chang;  the lovely and talented Yvette Nicole Brown as Shirley; Jim Rash as Dean Pelton and, last but not least, Donald Glover and Danny Pudi as Troy and Abed, respectively. Also? True story. Jim Rash's Twitter handle is @RashisTVUgly. Look it up.

So, the plot of the season premiere features Jeff down on his luck after a failed attempt at being a morally upstanding lawyer. 

Jeff's super sleazy ex legal partner, Alan (Rob Effin Corddry) drops by to help Jeff out of his financial jam. Alan wants Jeff to help out with a lawsuit Alan is planning against Greendale. An engineer educated at Greendale designed a bridge that collapsed and Alan wants to sue Greendale, claiming it was Greendale's fault. Jeff doesn't have much of a choice, so he returns to Greendale in search of the engineer's records. He has a creepily hilarious encounter with Dean Pelton, and Jeff convinces Pelton that he's there to "help" Greendale. Jeff forms a "Save Greendale" committee, and coincidentally runs into his old study group, who are all hanging out in the old study room. Which also happens to be the new records office. It's also where Señor Chang is now living under house arrest.

Jeff tries to convince his former study group members to join a lawsuit against the school, with the claim that their lives are not better four years after they started at Greendale. Britta is a bartender; Abed is a computer programmer/ failed film director; Annie is pushing pills for a big pharma company; Yvette's husband left her again and took the kids (and the DVR with her 166 unwatched episodes of Bones); and Troy is waiting around for Abed to get rich off his new smartphone app so Troy can sue him. Solid plan. The gang starts arguing, and Jeff thinks he's convinced them all to join a class action lawsuit. He leaves to tell Alan that he's taking over the case, tells Alan he's not worth his prepared evil monologue, and whips Alan with his own tie. He returns to the study group to find that they've all made up, and they've made a collective decision. Jeff thinks they're all going to sue, but they reveal that they're all going to re-enroll at Greendale. REPILOT. Dean Pelton offers Jeff a job as a law professor, and the gang decides to burn their table. Any episode of any show that ends in a fire/pyrotechnics is a win for me. 

Stick around for episode 2, which features Abed having a mental breakdown over his attempt to determine whether Nicolas Cage is a good or bad actor. My Nic Cage is just me saying, "There's a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence." Abed puts this girl to shame. 

Community airs on The Peacock Thursday nights at 8 EST. The double-feature season premiere is available on demand.

Be sure to also catch McHale hosting The Soup Wednesdays at 10 on E!

You staged a robot fight?!?! In real life, the robot wins!!

New Year, New Doctor

Well, that's that then. So long Matt Smith!

You are just too adorable.

He had a good run. I have been consistently disappointed in the Steven Moffat era of Doctor Who*, but never disappointed in Matt Smith. From the moment he asked a young Amelia Pond for fish fingers and custard, I thought of him as the Doctor. Did I miss David Tennant? Of course. Did I love Matt Smith. Absolutely.

But even in the TARDIS, time marches on and Matt Smith has decided to carry on with his career. On Christmas, we bade farewell to the Eleventh Doctor (I guess really the Twelfth?) in the special episode, The Time of the Doctor, and said a brief hello to the next actor to take on the role: Peter Capaldi.

I don't want to harp on the episode, for the most part I enjoyed it. But it would be remiss of me not to mention that it didn't seem to make a lot of sense. Plot holes big enough to drive a TARDIS through have been something of a hallmark with Moffat episodes (as well as an annoying tendency to repeat themes and types of female characters), and The Time of the Doctor was no exception.

A town called Christmas? Ugh. I did enjoy the cyberman talking head though.

If I may quote my favorite internet gay uncles (Tom and Lorenzo):

We’re gonna cop to some laziness here, as well as some Moffat fatigue, because we’re not even going to bother listing all the things that made no sense or were left unexplained. If Moffat couldn’t be bothered to write a story that holds together, should we really put all that much effort into showing how it falls apart? Besides, one thing we know for sure, you either loved or hated this special and there’s not a thing anyone can say to convince you otherwise. When someone who hadn’t seen it yet asked us how it was, we told them it was a lot like the Lost finale: nothing made sense but you’ll get a good cry out of it at the end.

I have to confess there was a lot about the plot of this episode that I didn't understand or plain didn't get. The Doctor spends 300 years in this one small town? Really? And I have never been a fan of skipping HUGE periods of time in the course of an episode (something Moffat has also done before with this Doctor), and here it just seemed like a cheap device.

But none of that really matters in the long run, I suppose. If you didn't cheer when the Time Lords zapped the Doctor with some extra regeneration energy (I guess they just have that shit lying around or something), then you don't have a heart. And the goodbye to his past companions was very sweet. The regeneration into Doctor number Twelve was both achingly slow and shockingly quick and from the 20 or so seconds we saw of him, Peter Capaldi did a great job.

While I mourn the loss of Matt Smith from Doctor Who, my takeaway was one of excitement for the new season and the new Doctor. Bring it on, Moffat.

I'm excited!

The new season of Doctor Who (the 8th of the new series) will air in the UK in August 2014. Hopefully, we'll get it on BBC America at the same time!

*except the Neil Gaiman penned episodes and the recent 50th Anniversary special.

Secret Boyfriend of the Week: Canadian Crooner Edition

I'm not sure this one is much of a secret....but what can I say? I love a crooner.

Ah, Michael Buble. 

Sing to me, Michael.



That's better. Ok, so Michael has a holiday special airing on NBC on Wednesday, 12/18 at 10:00pm (EST). It's his third Christmas special, and includes special guest stars Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey....and Cookie Monster.

Um, ok. Just go with it.

Anyway, my DVR is already set because nothing gets you in the mood for the holidays like some good old fashioned singing.

Well, that and Hamm and Bubbley.

Recapping AHS: Never Trust Someone Calling Himself "Axeman"

Hi all! Sorry to be behind on the recaps. Here's the first of three new ones coming from me this week (I hope). 

Right, kids – story time. Seems that in New Orleans, back in 1919, there was once the Axeman, a serial killer who entered people’s houses and slaughtered them with an axe before writing taunting letters to the police about he would never be caught. We begin tonight with said Axeman drafting a letter to the police stating that the next Tuesday night, he will kill someone in town, though anyone playing a live jazz band at midnight will be spared. At Miss Robicheaux’s, the quaint young witches of the Edwardian age are all a-flummox over what to do with this information. Should they play a Victrola? Should they critique his grammar when he insists that the citizens “jazz it”? (“His prose could use refinement,” one witch states disapprovingly.) Nay! They shall take action! “Ladies, we are powerful,” one student reminds her fellows. “Not only are decedents of Salem, but we are Suffragettes! No man can make us cower in our home.”

"This is almost as scandalous as when they tried to make the French Bob happen here."

That Tuesday, Joe, the Axeman himself, closes up his restaurant and heads out onto the street to the sound of Jazz music coming from every home. Every home, of course, but Witch House, which has opted for Puccini. Target sighted, Axeman Joe enters the school, ascends the stairs and finds the Suffragette witch sitting in a dark room, reading tarot cards on the floor. She reveals the Death card just as the Axeman brings his axe into her back, but suddenly she is standing behind him instead. “That reading was for you,” she tells him as she and the other witches fall onto the Axeman, attacking him with knives and Jazz-Age Girl Power.

In the modern day, Zoe is going through Madison’s things when she discovers a cubby hole in Madison’s closet. Inside is a box full of old photographs and a Ouija board. Bringing the items to Nan and Queenie, Zoe points out how much the student body has diminished in 100 years, from several dozen students now to just the three of them. The three decide to find out where Madison is, all Band-of-Brothers-style, using the Ouija Board to contact Madison or anyone else they can find. Queenie isn’t keen on the idea, pointing out how Ouija boards bring forth angry spirits if they’re not careful. Good thing there’s no evil spirit in this house, right! HAHA kidding they totally make contact with the Axeman’s spirit after only, like, three seconds. And boy does he seem pissed…

"Couldn't we just ask him who we're going to marry or how many kids we're going to have to sacrifice to the devil someday or something?"

Fiona meanwhile is undergoing chemotherapy when she suddenly develops the ability to read minds, something she’s never been able to do. Listening to the fearful thoughts of the patients next to her, she tries to leave but is stopped by her doctor. Fiona admits that the only reason she’s even going through with treatment is because Delia needs her now. As more chemo is put into her, she laments how she wishes she could have “one more great love affair” before she goes.

At the school, Zoe is Googling “New Orleans Axeman” and discovering the sick world of fan sites and blogs and the weirdoes who write them. (ZING!) She wants to ask him about Madison, but Queenie is strongly against it, pointing out that spirits will say and do anything to get released from where they’re trapped. Zoe, however, won’t be stopped and goes back to communicate with the Axeman herself. She promises him release if he’ll help her find Madison. At this point I feel compelled to mention that we have yet to see any of these girls actually attending a class, which I feel is germane given the utterly stupid thing that Zoe is doing here. I’m skeptical of Miss Robichaux’s accreditation by the Louisiana Department of Education is what I’m saying.  Whatever, Axeman fesses up and directs Zoe to the attic where she finds Spaulding’s creepy doll room. And Madison’s badly decomposing body stuffed in a trunk. And Spaulding standing behind her, natch.

It doesn’t last long, though. Nan and Queenie arrive quickly enough and subdue Spaulding before tying him up to begin the interrogation. Nan translates Spaulding’s thoughts as Zoe questions him and Queenie burns herself with a hot spatula, transferring the pain to Spaulding. Still protecting Fiona, Spaulding lies to Nan, telling them that he killed Madison specifically to have sex with her dead body. Spaulding kind of has the girls in a bind – what are they going to do? Report him and bring about ruin to the coven? Zoe also isn’t convinced that he’s telling the truth. “He grew up in a house full of witches,” she reminds Nan when Nan insists that she read his mind correctly. “I bet he picked up a few tricks.”

Also, dolls. Lots of dolls.

Downstairs, Delia has arrived home with Hank in tow helping her to her room. Delia’s upset because of the roses in her room, which pull in love, and demands chrysanthemums, which are used for strength and protection. Every time Hank tries to touch her, Delia sees flashes of what he did to the redheaded woman. The same thing happens when Fiona touches her as Delia sees what she did to Myrtle Snow. Fiona doesn’t apologize, though, saying that she did it for what Myrtle did to Delia. Fiona says Delia’s sudden gift of The Sight “is the greatest gift to have and the hardest one to live with.”

In the swamp, Misty tends her dead person garden, slowly growing Myrtle back to life under a mound of mud, when Kyle returns, still non-verbal as ever. She tries to bring him inside her cabin to give him a bath, but Kyle’s having PTSD issues with older women touching his naked body thanks to his mom. He gets violent, trashing her cabin and breaking her tape player, which is to say her only access to Stevie Nicks music. And that, my friends, is a Bridge Too Far for Misty who sends Kyle away just as Zoe arrives, telling Misty she needs her help.

Zoe brings Misty to Delia’s greenhouse and shows her Madison’s corpse. “She’s already rotting,” Misty tells her. “Plus she’s missing an arm.” Armlessness be damned, Zoe is insistent. Misty tries, but she needs Zoe’s help, telling her to push on Madison’s stomach. CorpseMadison begins to vomit blood, roaches and other horrible things before springing back to life. “I need a cigarette,” Madison says finally.

"I'm gonna need some extra time in the makeup trailer on my next picture…"

At the Hair Salon, who should approach Marie Laveau but Hank himself. He’s angry at Marie for ordering the acid attack on Delia, but Marie claims ignorance. “Do I look like the Taliban to you?,” She asks him. “If I wanted to blind your little wifey, I wouldn’t have to leave my room.” Turns out Hank has been playing the long con with Marie – she hired him six years ago as a professional witch-hunter to infiltrate the house and take it down, along with all the Salem decedents, which Hank swears he’s been doing.

Flashback! Remember the redhead that Hank slept with and murdered? Turns out her name was Kaylee and she was, wait for it, a witch! She even was recruited by Delia to attend the school after being charged with being an arsonist after she magically set her last boyfriend on fire when he wouldn’t marry her. Delia wants her to learn to develop her gifts, but Kaylee says she just wants to find a husband. “I think I have a good shot,” she tells Delia. “I work out. And I play fantasy football.”

"Should I also work on desperation? Men like desperation, right?"

And that’s how Hank got that particularly connection. Kaylee was one of five Salem decedents that he killed for Marie, but Marie accuses him of falling in love with Delia and ruining Marie’s plans. “When I plant a fat-ass cracka in the ground I expect her to stay there,” Marie thunders, referring to Delphine (I hope), “Not come back up like some kind of ragweed.” Marie gives Hank a new mission – “you bring me their heads, all of them, then you burn that place to the ground.”

In the School, Zoe now has two living dead bodies to care for and Misty wants nothing to do with either of them. “I thought you were looking for your tribe,” Zoe says when Misty turns down the offer to stay. “I am,” Misty admits, “But this ain’t it. There’s something foul in this house.”

Could that foul thing be, maybe, the Axeman? But of course! Delia is stumbling blind in her room when she suddenly “sees” the Axeman sitting near her bed.  He didn’t really like witches before, what with the murder and all that, but now he’s really pissed that Zoe promised to release him and then went back on her word. Delia refuses to release him and begins to scream, which brings the girls running. The girls can’t get in, so Zoe goes hunting for a spell in the library of books that they have, magically finding one. The girls begin to chant and upstairs the Axeman vanishes only to emerge from the school and walk out into the night.

At a bar, Fiona has gotten used to rejection from the younger men and it’s about to get worse and she notices that her hair is beginning to fall out from the chemo. Suddenly a man sits next to her. “Well hello, Pretty Lady,” the Axeman smiles at her.