Anybody want to go on a Viking River Cruise?
No? Okay then.
Kids, mama is facepalming hard over here.
So, last week's episode started off with Anna and Mrs. Hughes cleaning out the hot (literally) mess that Edith made when she tried to burn down Downton (accident, my ass). Anna finds the baby photo. She gives it to Mrs. Hughes. Edith, Mrs. Hughes IS SO ON TO YOU.
In rich white people news, the war memorial committee wants to build a war memorial. They want to do this on Robert's beloved cricket ground. Robert once again proves he Doesn't Get It. What do you think, Tom? Never mind, you're Irish and poor.
"Don't mind the nice man in the sunglasses, Tom. He's only here to erase your memory."
Jimmy is still fired for sleeping with Caroline Bingley. I'm sure he'll be back, though.
Thomas is sad that Jimmy is leaving. This is one of the few times when Thomas seems human. Yes, more of that and less of the puerile scheming.
At breffie, Charles Blake is coming back to Downton, because he has a friend who wants to look at their della Francescas. Mary is a bit bummed because she's already promised Lord GingerAle that she will spend the weekend being his booty call.
Rose is collecting evening gowns for Russian aristocratic refugees who have fled the Bolsheviks. She also wants a wireless.
Over at the cottage, Edith is still trying to get her baby back. Unfortunately, her child's adoptive mother does not want to give her up, since Edith's life is just the worst.
Lord Merton is FRISKING AROUND Isobel's skirts.
"Then Lord Merton invited me to go to Cleveland with him on a steamer. I've never been to Ohio."
I am super excited about Rose's Russian refugees and wireless.
Thomas, who is horrible, decides to go ahead and tell Molesley that his lady friend Baxter is a thief. Thomas is still trying to get Baxter to snitch on Bates, so can...I don't know...
Edith tells Robert and Cora that she wants to *cough* take an interest in a little orphan girl who is living at the Drews'. They suspect nothing because, I mean, Edith ain't getting any younger.
Anna goes into the apothecary's to get some unmentionables for Mary and the scene proceeds with all the subtlety of an after-school special. The judgey lady pharmacist asks Anna personal questions and judges her, and this immediately turns Anna into a birth control crusader.
Daisy is coming along quite nicely with Miss Bunting tutoring her in math (Maggie and I totally called that) , although Miss Bunting is still a Commie who also mouths off at dinner. She is TOLERATED at Downton. Anyway, Tom clearly has his hands full.
Molesley is quite convinced that Baxter would not have stolen from her former mistress. but Baxter won't tell him the whole story. Because nobody tells anyone anything on this show. They just perpetually spy and eavesdrop on each other. That is easier.
Mary tells her parents that she is hanging out with one of her aristocratic friends while she is really with Lord Gallagher (what is she? fifteen?), but she misses out on getting to spend more time with Charles Blake (!!!!) and his art collector friend, who is 1) Totally Richard E. Grant and 2) Totally hitting on Cora. I have no idea why either of these things are happening, but they are happening simultaneously.
Mary goes to meat LordGingerSnap at the hotel in London where he has booked adjoining rooms (boom chicka waka). This is a bad idea on many levels.
LG: You may think I'm after your money. Think again. What really interests me is your sweet, sweet aspidistra.
LM: My aspidistra?
LG: Yes, I'm an amateur botanist. The Downton aspidistra is...quite rare."
And did I mention Charles Blake?
How YOU doin'?
I rest my case.
Rose gets her wireless, and they all gather to listen to the king give a speech, and the Empire remains solid, and you think that all is right with the world and THEN...
A constable from London randomly shows up at Downton to say that a "witness" has come forward and wants to talk to Carson about rapey valet Green's stay at Downton. LIKE WHO CARES? I thought we all agreed that we did not care. Green raped Anna, he ran into a bus, and he died. End of story.
Are we REALLY going to do this plot again? The plot where Bates gets arrested for a murder he may or may not have committed, but we all agree it doesn't really matter because the victim was a horrible human being. Whyyyyyy? Is the twist this time that Bates is going to get convicted and executed? And then what will happen to Anna? Will she become a family planning crusader?
What witness comes forward two years after the fact? And why would the coppers take it seriously? Lord Gallifrey certainly has a new valet by now, so I am going to call Green's death a net gain for our fair city. The only thing that would make it even remotely interesting this time is if Anna got accused. Girl already won a Golden Globe for being a rape victim. Let's see if accused murderer works out for her as well. But seriously. Get some new material, or call it a day.
I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong? PopSixSquishUhuhCiceroLipshitz