Bridezillas!

This past weekend, I traveled with some friends to Chicago to visit another friend who is enrolled in a grad program at Northwestern.

Spoiler alert: it was cold. 

Mind numbingly cold. And snowy. But surprisingly not that windy. Huh. Anyhoodle, spending a lot of time outside my friend's apartment wasn't really on our agenda, but we managed to get ourselves bundled up and on the El on Sunday morning for a drag brunch at the Kit Kat Club. The food was yummy, the drag queens were fierce, and the martinis? Were HALF OFF. 

So, yeah.. We all got a bit toasted. 

I'm not sure how we got on the subject of the television show Bridezillas--maybe it was because my Chicago-based friend is getting married later this year, or maybe because we were talking about trashy reality tv in general. But in any event, after returning to the Rogers Park apartment, we switched on Netflix, curled up on the couch, and five grown adults spent about 8 hours doing nothing but watching Bridezillas while the alcohol slowly worked its way through out bodies. 

This show is everything wonderful and everything horrible all wrapped up into one. 

The concept is simple: cameras follow around a bride during the week leading up to her wedding documenting every incident of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse she spews at the people around her. The brides seem to come from all over, but they all have one thing in common: they are horrible people. Nobody is safe from the bridezillas ire, certainly not her groom, parents, bridal party, and any vendors unlucky enough to have contracted to provide a service for the wedding day. 

Watching this show raises so many questions. Why would this man marry this woman? How can her parents allow her to speak to them like that? Why are these people her friends? Why would ANYONE hired by these women not just tell them to go fuck themselves and walk away?

Any most importantly, why am I watching this?

It's like a train wreck--you cannot look away. Objectively, you acknowledge that these people are horrible and that you are actually part of the problem; by watching the show you are providing incentive for the brides to act like trolls. But subjectively, it's just flat-out entertaining. Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves? Whatever the reason, 8 episodes of Bridezillas didn't feel like enough and we could have gone on for much longer. 

 "Why don't people just give me everything I want when I want it and for free? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME HIT YOU!

I must point out that the best part of Bridezillas is actually the snarky commentary provided by the female narrator. The producers are definitely in on the joke and take every opportunity to belittle and humiliate the "ladies" on the show. I think our favorite example was when a certain zaftig bride was trying to wedge herself into a narrow manicure chair. "Apparently nobody in the bridal party thought to bring a shoe horn or bacon grease," commented the narrator. OH SNAP. Also? Awesome.

So, if you ever need a self-esteem boost, want to laugh at the most heinous women on earth, or just need a mind-numbing activity to engage in (preferably while drunk), Bridezillas is the show for you!

This charming young lady, Danyelle, is a 19 year old "student" bride who got so drunk the morning of her wedding, she could barely climb the stairs to put on her wedding dress. She also stole her groom's credit card, took the last $300 from his bank account, and chose as her wedding theme (I shit you not), "Bros and Bro-Hoes." Here is an interview with Danyelle.

Bridezillas airs on WE (check the schedule) and past episodes can be viewed on Netflix or the show's website. 

You Shady Bitch

Hello, everyone! It's me, Lady Gillian Ravenscroft-Anderson, under my new moniker, Arsenic Pie. I had a Google account and Google wouldn't let me change my name, since my aristocratic pseudonym somehow violates their name policy, but Arsenic Pie they are totally fine with. So, since Google wouldn't let me change my chosen nom de plume, I decided to go with Arsenic Pie, in homage to dear Anna Bates, and this will be the name I write under forthwith.

This creative sobriquet debacle naturally turned my attention to drag queens.

                                                                     Can I get an amen?

This week on RuPaul's Drag Race, the big news after Jade Jolie's elimination (will miss you, Jade!) is that Miss Alaska no longer wants to be part of Rolaskatox. No, that's not a new drug for that nasty skin rash. That's a clique comprised of Alaska, Roxxxy Andrews (yes, I spelled that right) and Detox. Ro-laska-tox. Alaska's upset that she hasn't won a challenge yet, and feels that leaving Rolaskatox will allow her to stand out.  Alaska wins the mini-challenge, involving improv verbal bitch-slaps of fellow queens (known apparently in drag circles as "reading").  It's on to this week's main challenge: The RuPaul Roast (proudly supported by Absolut). They will be roasting Ru, and each other, in front of a live audience. No one is safe at a roast, chickens!

Eat your heart out, Natalie Portman!

There's high pressure on Jinkx Monsoon (the "k" is silent), known thus far as the comedy queen. Her turn as Little Edie from Grey Gardens during the Snatch Game a few weeks ago was a ballsy (heh) move that paid off. She won that challenge due in no small part to her professional and highly entertaining performance. Pressure is also on Ivy Winters, who is very polite and sweet, and we all know that doesn't lead to snarkiness. The tiresome rivalry between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards (who became frenemies during a previous pageant) rears its orange-foundationed head. Alyssa is failboating all over the place trying to come up with jokes, and there's a real chance that she will go home and her old rival Coco will triumph! The dramz!

                                                                      Craycray. Party of one. 

This is the episode where we learn that Miss Jinkx has narcolepsy. Seriously. She's the Narcoleptic Drag Queen. She falls asleep in the workroom, which is the funniest thing that happens during the first half of the episode. My money was on Alaska to win this challenge. She's had some of the best one-liners this season. However, Coco's presenting a challenge as RuPaul's ghetto cousin, and although Jinkx is a mad talented actress, her runway has been her weak point. 

                                                            Girrrrlll. You got to be more FIERCE.

Helping in their roasting quest are: RuPaul's First Lady, show judge Michelle Visage; comedienne Deven Green; comedienne Nadya Ginsberg; and Bruce Valanch. Many of the jokes during the queens' dry run fall flatter than a bad weave. All of these bitches better step up their game posthaste.

During the runway and live roast, Alaska starts off, ribbing guest judge Lesley Jordan and Michelle Visage, and kills it. She is laugh-out loud funny. It was a gutsy move for her to choose to go first, and she will be a tough act to follow. Roxxxy Andrews is up next, with lame jokes and painful delivery. Up next is Coco Montrese, bringing up the energy level back to where Alaska established it. Coco is followed by Jinkx Monsoon, who brings it!  Ivy Winters surprises everyone with funny jokes and well-timed delivery, although she is visibly nervous and relies heavily on her note cards. Alyssa does an all right job, and maybe it would be passable if her competition hadn't been so, um, FIERCE! Her jokes range from obvious to mean, and her delivery is only okay. She's completely upstaged by the other queens. Finally, Detox brings it home. I'm a fan of f-bombs, but Detox drops too many out of nerves. However, the rest of her jokes and her delivery show comedic ability, so she is definitely safe. At the end of the challenge, it really looks like the person in most danger of being eliminated is Roxxxy, who had done reasonably well in the competition up to this point.  A triumph for Miss Jinkxsy Ma'am tonight is that Michelle finally praises her runway look, which she's been very critical of for not being glamorous enough.

Coco wins! Unsurprisingly, the bottom two are Alyssa and Roxxxy, and Ivy is safe. The queens lip-synch it out to "Whip My Hair," by Willow Smith. Roxxxy breaks down and tells us her mom never wanted her. She left Roxxxy and her sister at a bus stop when they were little. Oh, please. I thought strife made people funny, but apparently not.  I think that'll be my excuse for everything for the rest of my life from now on. Ru gets emotional, saying that gay people get to choose their family, and tells her that they all love her. Well, after that, you can't eliminate anyone without looking totally heartless, soooo…SHANTE YOU BOTH STAY!! Call me cynical (I am), but I think that was a ploy by Roxxxy to stay on the show. 

                                                                     Now in grape!

After the "shocking" double elimination a few weeks ago, the show can afford to save two people this week. At least the theatrics will continue between Alyssa and Coco for another week. We'll see what sorts of shenanigans the Drag Race ladiez have in store for us next week. RuPaul's Drag Race airs Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on LOGO. 

Werk!