Recapping AHS: Tate Doesn't Like Mondays

We begin in 1994 – Students in a school library are typing on old Apple IIs and wearing lots of grunge. Hey, it’s the Undead Breakfast Club, of course they’re in the library. Someone is shooting students and coming after them. The shooter then breaks in and, unsurprisingly, he is Tate, looking exactly like he does now 17 years later. Tate kills each of them. As a side bar, holy shit 1994 was 17 years ago. Jesus I’m old. Back at the house, a SWAT team pushes past Constance and corners Tate in his bedroom. Tate mimes pointing a gun at his head while Constance screams in the background. Cue the theme music!

Act I! Violet is googling the Breakfast Club and how they died and sees a picture of Tate as the killer. Violet becomes the first person on the show to have a sensible reaction and immediately starts calling for her mom. I love a good girl power demon hunter as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest – most of us are not Buffy Summers and if the person we’ve been dating turns out to be dead, we would go running to our mothers. Violet finds Constance instead, who tells her that the house made Tate lose his way and gives a whole “more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio” speech. Constance brings in a medium who says Tate doesn’t know he’s dead. Violet disbelieves, but the medium asks her about Mary, which prompts Violet to remember an old woman in a hospital who says, “I don’t understand you” to Violet. Cut to the house, where Vivien is MASSIVELY pregnant and listening to Bach as the baby moves inside her stomach but then it’s just a dream. She is shaken and booty calls the Security Guy. They bond because he also had a spouse cheat on him. Ben interrupts the flirting. He’s there because even though no one wants him around, he is using the house as his office and they need the money. Viv wants to bash in Ben’s face. We all do, darlin’. Ben continues seeing patients, including a new one who is terrified of urban legends, particularly “The Piggy Man”, the ghost of a butcher who wore a pig mask. If you call his name in front of a mirror, he kills you and then the show SERIOUSLY creeps me out by showing a man with a pig’s head suddenly jumping out of a shower and killing someone with a knife and it’s honestly really frightening.

Seriously. Just...GAH!!!

Act II! Vivien is trying to track down the nurse who fainted when looking at her ultrasound. Constance shows up with a plate of offal, apparently because it helps with morning sickness. I can’t tell if this is because Constance is a horrible person who once tried to give everyone poison muffins or if she’s really trying to help. Moira agrees to cook up the pancreas and other organs for Vivien as she used to do for Constance. Moira says Ben will cheat again if given the chance, now shut up and eat your offal with sea salt and lemon. Viv gives it a whirl and apparently likes it. Offal, btw, looks like chicken nuggets. Back in therapy, Ben is trying to get his patient to look in a mirror and call for the Pig Man. I have no idea why Ben thinks that desensitization therapy involves invoking a heart attack. The patient makes the call when shut into the bathroom alone, but nothing happens. UNTIL! A dead person suddenly appears in the shower. When Ben looks, natch, there’s nothing there. Violet is talking with the girl that she and Tate punked back in episode two. The girl rattles on about the Bible and Revelations and some reference about a red dragon trying to kill a pregnant woman. Devil girl offers Vi some pills to help her sleep. Or maybe they’re just pharming. I hear kids are into that.

Act III! Violet visits the library where Tate killed everyone. The librarian is still there, although Tate’s gunshot paralyzed him. Violet asks about Tate, saying good people don’t just up and kill people. The librarian suggests maybe Tate wasn’t a good person. Back at the house, Vivien tries to fire Moira, but Moira offers to work for free until they sell the house and then gives Vivien another treat, a brain in bowl that’s garnished with a decorative sprig of mint.

Don't worry - it's organic.

Violet comes home and sees something in the shadows, leading her to the basement. Tate? Pig man? Gimp? Nope, try all of the dead people together! It’s unclear if this is really happening or the result of those pills, but she’s back up in her room with the stereo playing and “I love you” written on the wall. Tate, buddy, the sparkly undead stalker thing is so 2009. Violet downs some more pills and lies down, but Tate appears and drags her to the shower, forcing her to vomit up the pills.

Act IV! Ben is with his fearful patient again and spying on Vivien flirting and having sexy coffee with the Security Guy. Vivien later goes to church and finds the fainting nurse, who doesn’t want Vivien getting too close. The nurse quit her job after seeing Vivien’s ultrasound in which she saw The Beast, the Unclean Thing, hooves and all. She also quotes the segment of the Bible on the Whore of Babylon. Man, Vivien just cannot get a break, considering it was her husband who did the cheating. In his apartment, Ben’s patient tries out the Pig Man thing to test his courage. Then a man leaps out and shoots the patient dead. Turns out it was less Pig Man, more common robber. Constance has tea with medium, who offers to let her talk to Addie. Constance says she’s proud of Addie and apologizes for being a single mother, even though she kind of did that to herself. The medium says that Addie is on the other side and she is a pretty girl at last, but that she’s grateful for not making it back to the lawn because then she’d be stuck with Tate, whom she’s afraid of. In the house, Tate and Violet cuddle on the bed.

Next week, the sexy times return!