So close, and yet so far.

Oh, Evan Lysacek. You were this close to being my secret boyfriend of the week, and then I had to go and read that you are appearing on Dancing with the Stars. How you intend to do that and train for the upcoming World Figure Skating Championship, I don't know, but that is neither here nor there.

YOU ARE AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNER. AND YOU ARE APPEARING ON ONE OF THE TACKIEST SHOWS EVER.

Now, I know people who watch and enjoy this show. It's cheesy good fun. Who doesn't like seeing celebrities" (and I use that term loosely) with ostensibly little or no dance experience take on the challenge of ballroom dancing, all while wearing sparkly, feathery, and ridiculous outfits. People who should be on the show: Kate Gosselin. Shannen Doherty. Pamela Anderson. People who should not be on the show: OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNERS.

Apolo Ono I am also looking at you. The fact that you won your season does not mollify me.

Oh, who am I kidding. Figure skating is half-way to the ridiculousness of most ballroom dancing anyway.

This picture alone makes my argument a loser.

You know who would be awesome on DWTS? Johnny Motherfucking Weir. He and that show were MADE for one another.