Quick and Dirty

I've been trying out a lot of random shows lately with varying results. Let's try something new where I just shout out my initial thoughts about this motley collection.

Backstrom:Dwight from The Office tries to be House. He's not House. I lasted all of two minutes before I was offended by this excremental show. 

Next!

Call the Midwife: BIRTH CONTROL. Seriously, you will not let any man near your lady parts after watching this show.  

Next!

Glee: It's the Final Season! They're all back at McKinley! Who cares?!

Next!

Grantchester: He's a hot vicar who solves murders. Too bad it's totally boring.

Next!

Z Nation: Still way better and more fun than The Walking Dead. 

Next!

Black Sails: Completely nonsensical and impossible to follow.

And finally....

Marco Polo: Everyone is more interesting than the main character, but at least he's cute. Oh, and the show is actually pretty good if you're into thirteenth century Mongol politics. AND WHO ISN'T.

Maggie Cats OUT.

The British Be Invadin

As Clovis and Maggie Cats have decamped for parts unknown, I felt it behooved yours truly to update all of you lovely people about the programs I have been spending my time watching instead of keeping up with Mad Men. (It's on my DVR, chickens! Fear not.) I thought perhaps you lovelies all thought I had shut myself in my apartment, huddled in blankets, binge watching Call the Midwife while eating cookies and cream gelato directly out of the pint. Me? Do such a thing? So, I thought I would keep you abreast of what I had been up to TV-wise.

I've been watching the hell out of Call the Midwife.

My dudes, this show gets me right in the feels. Now having completed its third, yes, third season, the BBC One drama has seen some major changes occur in the lives of the young midwives and the nuns of Nonnatus House. The most significant event of Season 3 is that Jessica Raine, who portrays the late Jennifer (Lee) Worth (on whose memoirs the show is based) has said goodbye to the series in the hopes of finding greener pastures elsewhere in some absurd little backwater known as Hollywood. After three seasons of filming graphic births, Raine is ready to move on to new challenges and new roles. Jenny starts a new job at a Marie Curie cancer hospital, working with terminally ill patients, and she begins her life with Philip Worth.  However, her departure does not mean the end of the series. BBC has renewed Call the Midwife for Season 4, starting in 2015. Like all good ensemble shows, Call the Midwife has done a fine job of developing its supporting characters, so there is plenty of interest in Chummy, Trixie, Cynthia, kind Sister Julienne, BAMF Sister Evangelina and batty Sister Monica Joan. 

RIGHT IN THE FEELZ!

If you watched all of Season 2 and the Christmas special, you will know that Sister Bernadette has thrown off her habit like she is Maria Fucking Von Trapp, and gotten herself married to Dr. Turner. She dyed her hair and went back to being called Shelagh and she is all kinds of prosh. Dr. Turner and Shelagh were being all kinds of improperly flirty in Season 1 and it's nice to see that relationship come to a successful conclusion. However, Shelagh discovers that her bout with tuberculosis during Season 2 has left scar tissue on her lady bits and she is told that it is unlikely that she will be able to conceive a child.

The show also shifted focus this season somewhat away from Jenny's personal life and more on the personal lives of Trixie and Chummy. Chummy has a bittersweet reconciliation with her posh mum, and she tries to become a Modern Lady, attempting to balance marriage and family with a career. And Trixie starts dating A VICAR. 

Go on with your bad self, Trixie.

I'm sure there will be more development of Cynthia, and the producers have introduced two new characters: Sister Winifred, direct from the Mother House, and new midwife Patsy. 

Call the Midwife is a huge hit in the UK and I encourage all of you duckies to tune in. The guys on this show are so hot. Even Dr. Turner is sexy for an old dude. Seasons 1 and 2 are available via Netflix streaming and through Netflix DVD. Generally, it airs Sunday nights at 8 EST on PBS. 

Next in PBS news (I'm not frontin or nothin; I watch a lot of PBS) is Mr. Selfridge.

 I'm actually glad I gave this show another shot. It's done the opposite of what Downton Abbey has done -- Mr. Selfridge started out weak and it's getting stronger. The shows are pretty comparable, and I do think Mr. Selfridge is a much better show at this point. Season 1 began in 1909, and Season 2 has moved forward in pastfuturetime to 1914, and addresses the outbreak of World War I. Harry (Jeremy Piven) and Rose (Frances O'Connor) Selfridge have stopped cheating on each other with really scary stalker people and are trying to rebuild their marriage. Since the show moved five years into the future, the role of Gordon Selfridge has been recast with an older actor (now portrayed by Greg Austin) and Harry sets the lad to work in the store, starting in the stock room and moving up to the perfume counter, where he begins a flirt with a young shopgirl. D'aww. 

With the outbreak of war, Harry attempts to break into the British establishment by using his money and connections to secure a seat on the Procurement Committee. He runs into a roadblock in the form of Lord Loxley, who dislikes Harry on a personal level. The Procurement Committee is dismissive of Harry's attempts to break into the British aristocracy because he is of low birth and American and all that jazz.

Focusing more on the ensemble cast and their personal struggles has allowed the characters to become more fully fleshed out, and in many cases, more likeable. Case in point is Mae Loxley (Katherine Kelly), who during Season 1 was a very cougary vampy person, but this season has revealed that the formerly MIA Lord Loxley is a TOTAL fucking asshole and I kept wishing for Mae to push him down the stairs.

Just you wait, my dears. 

There has also been a bit more focus on Store Ginger, Kitty Hawkins (Amy Beth Hayes), late of ladies' accessories. Kitty is now Miss Mardle's assistant, and she gets to boss the junior accessories assistants. Her character has revealed itself to be less catty and much more amiable, likely due to her character maturing, and through her burgeoning relationship with newspaper man Frank Edwards (British mainstay Samuel West). All workplace dramas need a ginger. Fact.

And then I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. I think I'm in love!

The title may be Mr. Selfridge, but the star of the show is, and always has been, Agnes Towler (Aisling Loftus). Agnes returns from her design studies in Paris and takes over as head of design.  There, she must contend with the jealousy of wannabe rival in ladies' fashion, the bitchy Mr. Thackeray. Agnes is also conflicted due to the return from America of her former lovvvvaaahhh, Henri LeClair (Grégory Fitoussi) because, in his absence, she has grown closer to Victor Corleone. Agnes realizes she must choose between one of her suitors, and compounding her work and personal stress is the fact that her brother, George, is one of the very first to sign up for active military duty. Oh, the dramz.

Oui!

The adorable Miss Mardle (Amanda Abbington) receives two life bonuses this season, while Mr. Grove continues to be a clueless douche. If you haven't noticed, and you should, Amanda Abbington also appears on Sherlock as Mary Morstan, and she is totes Martin Freeman's lady friend in real life. She is just wonderful on Mr. Selfridge, and if you haven't tuned in, you should.

We'll mad your men. And sell it a sturdy pair of boots.

Seriously, this show has gotten under my skin. The first few episodes of the first season are melodramatic and silly, but this season has made up for it in spades. If you're looking for a British costume drama that has the bells and whistles of Downton Abbey, but with better writing and a perfume counter, I very much encourage you to get on board with Mr. Selfridge. The show's home network, ITV, has renewed it for a third season. Mr. Selfridge normally airs around 9 p.m. EST Sundays on PBS. Some episodes are available for streaming on PBS.org.

The next ensemble of which I speak is BBC America's Brit-Can-Am Orphan Black, which is an entirely different kind of ensemble show altogether.

My dudes, this show is crack. I can't say too much about the season thus far without revealing major spoilers. 

Cosima (Tatiana Maslany) is working for the Dyad Institute, but the symptoms of her mysterious illness begin to worsen. Sarah (Tatiana Maslany) searches for answers about Mrs. S's involvement in Project LEDA. We learn more about pro-clone Rachel (Tatiana Maslany), and Helena (Tatiana Maslany) survived being shot by Sarah, but was abducted by some creepy International House of Prayer culty science people. Alison (Tatiana Maslany) turns into a pill popper due to her guilt over Ainsley's death, and the fact that she's finally realized that her husband, bumbling, oafish Donny, is in fact her monitor.

Canadian actress Tatiana Maslany (Tatiana Maslany) deserves some kind of acting Olympic gold medal. Much has been said about her performance  and it all bears repeating. Her portrayal of each of the clones is so mesmerizing and utterly believable that you really do forget that Cosima, Rachel, Sarah, Alison, and Helena are all played by the same actress, and the illusion goes far beyond wardrobe, make-up, and hair. 

Orphan Black airs Saturday nights on BBC America at 9 p.m. EST. Netflix for some odd reason does not have this available for streaming, but they do have Season 1 on DVD.

Sister Evangelina Will Cut You

Did your cable drop Oxygen where you live? Are you unable to spend your weekends marathoning The Duchess and the 1995 and 2005 versions of Pride and Prejudice on continuous alternating repeat? Kids, I have your salvation.  It comes in the form of a darling little costume drama that does not get nearly the amount of attention it deserves:  BBC's sleeper hit, Call the Midwife. 

Slums are so whimsical!

I have drunk of the cup of Call the Midwife kool-aid and I am here seeking converts. Oh, yeahhhh. 

Following the runaway train (never goin' back) that is ITV's Downton Abbey, our beloved PBS (fuck you, Mitt Romney) has no qualms with airing ITV and (its rival) BBC dramas on the same network.  THIS IS WHY WE FOUGHT THE REVOLUTION, FOLKS.

Call the Midwife is set in the late 1950s in Poplar, which had historically been an impoverished area of East London. These days, I'm pretty sure Poplar is inhabited by hipsters and performance artists, so I don't recommend stopping during your next tour of London, unless you want your dignity assaulted by a mime. 

Guess what animal I am? Nope. Not that. Nope, not that, either. Nope. I was a frog.

During the Call the Midwife era, Poplar was essentially a slum, which had seen no less than its fair share of tragedy. In 1917, eighteen Poplar children were killed when a German Gotha bomber shellacked a primary school. Even during WWI, it was populated by the disadvantaged, largely ignored by the British government until the National Health Service began serving poor neighborhoods after WWII.

The residents of 1950s Poplar are working class to poverty-stricken, and many are emotionally scarred former residents of 19^th and early 20^th century workhouses. However, being situated close to the docks, some teevee Poplar residents earn income from the shipping and fishing industries. Conditions are still very bad. The housing is substandard and the residents suffer from all the usual suspects that accompany poverty. Also, with this being the 1950s, no one uses birth control.

That is where Nonnatus House steps in. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, BUT THERE ARE NUNS. Nonnatus House is a convent of Anglican nuns who run a prenatal clinic, a health clinic and deliver most of the babies in Poplar, with the aid of four trained twenty-something nurses from the National Health Service.

We're here to talk to you about sex!

Our heroine is Jenny Lee (Jessica Raine), on whose memoirs of nursing in 1950s and 60s Poplar the show is based. The narrated voice of the older Jenny is none other than VANESSA EFFING REDGRAVE. Also? Nuns.

I'm following every rainbow, bitches!

Jenny left her comfy middle-class home to train as a nurse after her relationship with the married Rakehelly Dishonor Esq. somehow did not work out. The other secular midwives are Trixie (Helen George), "Chummy" Noakes (Miranda Hart) and Cynthia Miller (Bryony Hannah).  Whenever a call comes into Nonnatus House, the midwives on duty pack up their baby-having kit and head off on their bicycles to deliver a baby. Hence the title. 

If you're already squeamish about childbirth, this show will not help. I really think it ought to be shown in high school sex ed classes during the contraceptive unit. Fortunately, I can close my eyes and say, "Ew." The birthing scenes are not really graphic per se, but they're biologically accurate. For those of you who think it's "miraculous," have at it. I will continue to be a little grossed out. 

The Season 2 premiere opens with Jenny riding her bicycle back to the convent as another day of work ends in Poplar. She has been out on a case. When she returns to the convent, there is cake! There is always cake at the convent due to batty Sister Monica Joan's penchant for sweets, but this time, the nuns baked a cake because it's Jenny's birthday! The midwives have a little time to celebrate, and then it's off to the movies! The movie is about Dreamy McDreamboat, who sings about flowers and sunshine. The girls share a box of chocolates they've snuck into the theater. Chocolates are easy to sneak into a movie theater. Harder with doughnuts. Easiest with alcohol.

Sister Julienne normally runs the roost, but the next day, Sister Evangelina (Pam Ferris) gives the midwives their marching orders. She sends Cynthia off to check on a mother whose baby isn't feeding, and upbraids Trixie for walking in late. Trixie protests her day's assignment, but Sister Evangelina shushes her and sends her on her way. Sister Christian doesn't want any nunsense from Trixie, and it doesn't help that Sr. disapproves of Trixie and her fast vixen ways. 

I'm going to wear lipstick and go on dates with men!

At the prenatal clinic, it's up to Chummy to demonstrate to the preggo ladies Dr. Turner's newfangled nitrous oxide machine! Chummy gets to do all the fun stuff. Last season, the nuns asked Chummy to run a clinic (quite literally) on condoms, and she met with skepticism and jeers from local ladies as she demonstrated how to unfold a safety first on a dildo. Nuns have this stuff lying around the convent. Legit. 

Chummy inhales too much gas during the demo, and she quite passes out. Dr. Turner is super stoked about N2O. Its original purpose was to ease labor pains and make delivery a little easier. Also? Laughing gas. However, the midwives find it only results in turning all the expectant mothers in Poplar into huffers.  Cynthia and Chummy discover this on their next case. They're not supposed to call Dr. Turner unless the case turns serious, but the mother insists on getting her fix for her labor pains. Posthaste. This leads to Dr. Turner being called to several ensuing deliveries which he would not have ordinarily attended.

Jenny's worried that Molly Brignall hasn't shown up for her prenatal check. Molly hasn't been in for four weeks, so Sister E tells Jenny to visit the next day. Jenny arrives, and hears Molly's husband yelling at her. Molly's protesting about not being able to do SOMETHING VAGUE because she's almost at term, but Richie's insisting that she has to do it because they need the money. Richie answers the door and he's sickeningly polite, but Jenny's not stupid. She notices that their house is too dirty for a home delivery. She also notices a bruise on Molly's arm. Not cool, bro. It's very apparent to Jenny that her patient is in abusive relationship. Jenny and the other midwives have lost patients in the past, and she's determined to save Molly -- from herself if she has to.  Molly also has a young daughter, Lorraine, who is witnessing all of this. Jenny tells the nuns she can't understand why the house was passed for home delivery five weeks ago, and Cynthia says that, five weeks ago, it did pass inspection. Sister Julienne (Jenny Agutter) instructs Jenny to contact Molly's mother.

Jenny visits Molly's mother, Mrs. Gray. Mrs. Gray tells Jenny that she's had a difficult time with Molly. Molly was evacuated during the war, and she came home afterward, but her father was killed in action and things haven't been the same since. Molly has nearly cut her mother out of her life, and Mrs. Gray says she doesn't like Richie, but Molly feels safe with him. Jenny informs Mrs. Gray that if Molly doesn't clean up her living conditions, the social services will have to get involved. Molly allows her mother to come over and clean after Richie leaves for...wherever it is that Richie goes. If Pete Campbell could be sleazier and smarmier and more of an asshole and way more evil, that would be this Richie fellow.

Richie creepily creeps in a few hours later, and he is none too pleased to see Mrs. Gray there. Jenny leaves, and she hears Richie screaming at Mrs. Gray. Jenny bursts back in, and sees Richie threatening to burn Molly with a cigarette if Mrs. Gray doesn't leave. Jenny leaps at him and shoves him off Molly. Jenny files a report with Chummy's policehusband, Peter (Ben Caplan). Sister Julienne tells Jenny to hold off on getting the federales involved, because she fears that Richie will forbid Molly from receiving any kind of medical care. It's a testament to Jenny and the other three midwives that they get very involved in their respective patients' well-being. Her ensuing visits to Molly are equally heartbreaking. She finally convinces Molly that she must deliver her baby at the maternity home, and she has to leave her daughter with her mother during the delivery. Throughout the episode, Jenny struggles to understand the addictive and unhealthy nature of Molly's relationship with Richie. She doesn't know how to help Molly find the courage to break away from a bad relationship, as she was able to do, because it is a very different situation. Later, Richie says something dickish to Molly, and she goes into labor. She's able to get herself to her mother's house, and her mother telephones Nonnatus House.

Sister Evangelina puts her foot down about the nitrous oxide, and these Modern Females protest that women should be allowed pain treatment during labor. Cynthia and Trixie gossip about how unkempt both the doctor and his son have been looking lately, until Sister Bernadette (Laura Main) shushes them. Sister Bernadette is crushing hard on Dr. Turner. Dr. Turner is a widower with a young son, and he's apparently the only doctor in Poplar, so he of course needs A Woman to Look After Him. 

Now...about that "vow of chastity" part...

Chummy starts to have second thoughts about giving up her ambitions to nurse in Africa (which had been part of her plan to run away from her former Downton Abbey-esque lifestyle). She helps Peter study for his upcoming promotion examination, and she helps him go over the laws about, of all things, PROSTITUTION. For those of you playing at home, have you caught on yet?

If you haven't, Peter calls Nonnatus House from the popo station. Chummy answers, and he tells her there's a woman in labor on board a cargo ship. Chummy thinks it's a joke because women aren't allowed on cargo ships, but Peter insists that it has to be checked out. Trixie's on call that night, and she and Jenny are going to head to the ship, but that's when Mrs. Gray's call comes through. Jenny feels she has to see Molly through this, so Trixie is left to head to the docks at the mercy of Sister Evangelina.  Sister Evangelina assumes the captain of said ship is German -- after he tells her he's Swedish -- and so she takes the obvious course and vacillates between yelling at him in German and Spanish. German + Spanish = Swedish. Trixie and Sister Evangelina are rowed out to the ship and Sister Evangelina takes the opportunity to get in a few digs at Trixie. But wait! There's more! Once they reach the vessel, they learn they must CLIMB A LADDER to get on deck. Sister Evangelina is not exactly young and not in the best of shape, and Trixie is wearing heels. Hijinks ensue. 

Sister Evangelina cannot, in fact, climb every mountain. It seems long ladders dangling from steel vessels are her limit. She falls onto the deck and dislocates her shoulder. It is now up to Trixie to save the day! She successfully climbs the ladder, to the delight of the gentlemen waiting up top. They're led to a tiny cabin, where a young lady is screaming in pain. Such a beautiful thing, that birthing process. 

The senorita in question is Kirsten, the captain's daughter. Kirsten cheerfully reveals to Trixie and Sr. that she's been serving as a live blow-up doll for the sailors on her father's ship. Like this is somehow normal. Apparently, Dear Old Dad has brainwashed her into believing that prostitution is her mission in life, and has even supplied her with a free lifetime's supply of condoms. Darlingest Papa has been whoring out his daughter to his crew, convinced that if they are not horny, they will not think about mutiny. Because that makes sense. Sister Evangelina is mad at hell about this nunsense, and insists that the captain find Kirsten a better room for the birth. Trixie takes charge! She figures she will keep Sister Evangelina placated by plying her with some of the ship's brandy supply.

How fortunate that we took advantage of this poor girl 60 years before the Maury show.

Jenny's able to help Molly through a pretty routine labor, but Trixie isn't so lucky. Trixie alerts Sr. E. that Kirsten's baby is prolapsed, and Sister E helpfully reminds her that a Caesarian is out of the question. They can't physically move Kirsten to a better position, so Trixie improvises by hitching Kirsten up on a chair. Trixie's able to manually get the umbilical cord out of the way ("Lots of room in there," she quips), while Kirsten yells out some curses in Viking. Trixie successfully delivers a baby girl. Kirsten is grateful for their presence, and for the baby. She says she's happy she finally has friends. Estrogen levels surge. Audience reaches for hankies.

Jenny presents Molly with her newborn son, and notices another bruise on her breast area. The next morning, Molly takes the baby and sneaks out of the maternity house before she's properly discharged. Jenny and Mrs. Gray knock on the door, but Richie answers. He takes Lorraine inside and slams the door in their faces. Jenny tries to visit Molly after that, but no one ever answers her knock.

El Capitan thanks Trixie for her service, but Trixie lets him know she's thoroughly disgusted with him pimping his daughter. She lets him know that he has to have a boat waiting for her so she can check in on Kirsten and the baby before they leave port, and she also informs him that she could easily report him to the police. Sister Evangelina gets carried on a gurney to a waiting ambulance, and orders Trixie to giver her some laughing gas. Sister Evangelina is quite the tweaker.

There's a short scene featuring Molly standing in an alleyway, with Richie talking to an unidentified man in a car. Molly gets into the car, and it becomes clear that Richie has been forcing her into prostitution. Jenny finds out later that Asshole Dad has been leaving the children alone, giving them milk and alcohol to keep them quiet. Sadly, the house soon after catches on fire, and Molly and Richie are imprisoned for child neglect. Fortunately, Lorraine and the baby are sent to live with Gran. Mrs. Gray gets a second chance to have a loving family and the children get a chance at a better life. 


The nuns let Trixie work in slacks, and she gets to dress like Marilyn to pay her regular visits to Kirsten.The sight of a nattily clad squaw elates the sailors, all of whom have hopefully found some obliging females whilst in port. Trixie has a present for Kirsten from the National Health Service. It's condoms! What Every Girl Wants. Kirsten informs her that she's gotten some R-E-S-P-E-C-T for herself and will not be playing the Staten Island Ferry for any more men. She is going to disembark once they get to Stockholm and raise her daughter on land. Dad can't object because...well, he can't.

In the foreshadowing department:

1) There's a glimpse of Chummy addressing a letter to Parts Unknown. 

2) Sister Bernadette takes it upon herself to personally sew buttons onto Dr. Turner's coat.

Are you thoroughly verklempt? This author is very happy about the return of Call the Midwife. Now, if only The Beeb had not axed The Hour. I need my Ben Whishaw and I need it now! 

Downton Abbey fans should for sure tune into this show. It's definitely an antidote to whatever Douchebag-Meets-Skank dating reality nonsense the main networks are offering in this time slot.

Call the Midwife airs at 8 p.m. on Sundays in my neck o' the woods. Check your local PBS stations for air dates and times. OR, you can watch episodes online at pbs dot org. Also! Season 1 is FINALLY available on instant watch on Netflix. 

Biker Bitch for the Lord!