Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Art of Bitchface

In the past few years, bitchface has had something of a renaissance on television. Guys, girls, unaffiliated genders, everyone is shooting bitchface left and right.

Proper bitchface is not always easy to pull off; it's more than just a simple "you're kidding me" or "bitch, please." Typically, the character shooting bitchface has just been told that they are not getting their way and this is either very very normal or very very abnormal. Example: Dana Scully is used to having to go on what she considers a wild goose chase with her partner, Mulder, and thus gives bitchface; or, NOBODY should tell Santana from Glee what to do, and when someone does, bitchface is the result.

But I wanted to give a shout-out to some of the best bitchfaces, past and present.

The latest and greatest bitchfaces comes to us courtesy of two classic television actresses. In an attempt to get the cult fans excited about the new V, the show has brought back the queen from the original series, played by Jane Badler. Some people's faces are born for bitchface, and Ms. Badler is definitely one of them. On the show, she was supplanted by her daughter, Anna, and sent to live in the basement of one of the V's huge ships. She appears to have spent the last 2o years skulking about in the dark and sitting in her hammock, but her hair and makeup are still perfect. You know why? Because she is an alien queen, and don't you motherfuckers forget it.

The bitch is back, y'all.

Another great example of bitchface (from this past week) was demonstrated by Candice Bergen, aka Murphy Brown, aka awesomeness personified. On House, she played Cuddy's mother and was just....well, horrible really. She took every opportunity to put her daughter down (in front of her friends no less) and even made House speechless with her bitchery. Near the end of the episode, House walked into his office and saw her sitting at his desk, and he was defeated by her massive bitchface.

You want me to get up from your chair? I don't think so.

And now for some classic bitchface, just because I think it's fun. As I stated above, almost nobody got more opportunities for bitchface than Dana Scully. With just a crook of the eyebrow, she could lay waste to mere mortals, but somehow, Mulder always seemed immune to her powers. Which is a good thing, because she shot him bitchface almost every single episode. But so would you if you had to run off and investigate icky alien stuff every week. And don't even get me started on the genetic mutants (including that dude who ate people's livers and the fluke man) that she had to deal with.

If I so much much as twitch my eyebrow, this entire building will explode.

Yes, it's true that the ladies tend to give good bitchface. But even they must bow down to the master. For this character, bitchface is a way of life. It must be hard being the younger brother to one of the most perfect specimens of humanity, and our top bitchface-giver is constantly being harassed by his older bro. So it's no surprise that bitchface is his number one defense mechanism. That and whining. And crying.

Ladies and gentleman, the true master of all bitchface......

Sam Winchester.

Game, set, match. Bitches.

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