Torchwood In A Nutshell or Seriously, Russell? SERIOUSLY?

A/N: This was written after watching almost the entire season of Torchwood, before seeing the last few episodes of Doctor Who Season Three. It includes spoilers for "Everything Changes," "Greeks Bearing Gifts" and "Keep Killing Suzie," at very least.

***

Good location (as demonstrated by the eighteen gratuitous aerial shots per episode to remind you that OMFG THEY ARE IN CARDIFF!). Good production values. Good creative team (Russell T. Davies is a Golden God). Good actors.

Inexplicably terrible.


Back row: Dopey, Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Bashful
Foreground: Sneezy? OK, so the metaphor falls apart a bit.
He sure as hell isn't Doc.

A friend asked me why I watch this show, when I clearly don’t like it. Let me clarify – I love watching Torchwood. Maggie and I derive great pleasure from mocking everything that is said and done in what passes for Torchwood’s plot. And there’s always a (microscopic) chance that something that happens in this atrocity may be important in future episodes of Doctor Who. And heaven forbid we miss a single obscure DW reference.

The worst of it is the characters. Owen is a douche. Ianto is an emo kid. Tosh is completely spineless. Gwen is too fucking naïve to live. And Jack – Jack in Doctor Who is LOVE, but Jack in Torchwood is kind of an irredeemable bastard. And they can’t seem to stay out of each other’s pants long enough to do much actual work.

Tosh: Hi, guys! I have this thing to show you –
Gwen (thinking): Can’t she see we’re busy having eye sex?
Owen (thinking): Mmmm, I loved it when Gwen dressed me up and called me ‘mummy.’ I wonder if Rhys would be into a threesome.
Tosh: *rips off telepathy necklace* Ugh, I think I’m going to be sick.

Ianto: So … now that we’re putting our dead colleague’s body back in the freezer, I think this would be a great time to suddenly stop crying about my dead girlfriend and proposition my boss.
Jack: Oh yeah, baby, the way you click that stopwatch really turns me on!
Suzie: Um, hello? I’m laying right here.
Jack: You can watch.
Suzie: I’d rather die. Oh, wait …

The only redeeming qualities of Torchwood:
1. Cap’n Jack Hotness. His suspenders-and-overcoat combination is ridiculous … ly adorable!
2. Plot continuity, and the occasional well-designed plot twist. These include:

• Cap’n Jack can never die because Rose resurrected him.
• The severed hand? Totally the Doctor’s!
• Suzie killing herself was all part of Her Evil Plan. And you know Russell T. Davies thought of that shit, too.

So I’ll hang in for the rest of the season. If only for the one shining moment in DW when Jack returns and says,

“OMFG, I WAS IN CARDIFF!”