Bridezillas!

This past weekend, I traveled with some friends to Chicago to visit another friend who is enrolled in a grad program at Northwestern.

Spoiler alert: it was cold. 

Mind numbingly cold. And snowy. But surprisingly not that windy. Huh. Anyhoodle, spending a lot of time outside my friend's apartment wasn't really on our agenda, but we managed to get ourselves bundled up and on the El on Sunday morning for a drag brunch at the Kit Kat Club. The food was yummy, the drag queens were fierce, and the martinis? Were HALF OFF. 

So, yeah.. We all got a bit toasted. 

I'm not sure how we got on the subject of the television show Bridezillas--maybe it was because my Chicago-based friend is getting married later this year, or maybe because we were talking about trashy reality tv in general. But in any event, after returning to the Rogers Park apartment, we switched on Netflix, curled up on the couch, and five grown adults spent about 8 hours doing nothing but watching Bridezillas while the alcohol slowly worked its way through out bodies. 

This show is everything wonderful and everything horrible all wrapped up into one. 

The concept is simple: cameras follow around a bride during the week leading up to her wedding documenting every incident of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse she spews at the people around her. The brides seem to come from all over, but they all have one thing in common: they are horrible people. Nobody is safe from the bridezillas ire, certainly not her groom, parents, bridal party, and any vendors unlucky enough to have contracted to provide a service for the wedding day. 

Watching this show raises so many questions. Why would this man marry this woman? How can her parents allow her to speak to them like that? Why are these people her friends? Why would ANYONE hired by these women not just tell them to go fuck themselves and walk away?

Any most importantly, why am I watching this?

It's like a train wreck--you cannot look away. Objectively, you acknowledge that these people are horrible and that you are actually part of the problem; by watching the show you are providing incentive for the brides to act like trolls. But subjectively, it's just flat-out entertaining. Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves? Whatever the reason, 8 episodes of Bridezillas didn't feel like enough and we could have gone on for much longer. 

 "Why don't people just give me everything I want when I want it and for free? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME HIT YOU!

I must point out that the best part of Bridezillas is actually the snarky commentary provided by the female narrator. The producers are definitely in on the joke and take every opportunity to belittle and humiliate the "ladies" on the show. I think our favorite example was when a certain zaftig bride was trying to wedge herself into a narrow manicure chair. "Apparently nobody in the bridal party thought to bring a shoe horn or bacon grease," commented the narrator. OH SNAP. Also? Awesome.

So, if you ever need a self-esteem boost, want to laugh at the most heinous women on earth, or just need a mind-numbing activity to engage in (preferably while drunk), Bridezillas is the show for you!

This charming young lady, Danyelle, is a 19 year old "student" bride who got so drunk the morning of her wedding, she could barely climb the stairs to put on her wedding dress. She also stole her groom's credit card, took the last $300 from his bank account, and chose as her wedding theme (I shit you not), "Bros and Bro-Hoes." Here is an interview with Danyelle.

Bridezillas airs on WE (check the schedule) and past episodes can be viewed on Netflix or the show's website. 

It's a nice day for a red wedding.

A few days ago, I received the following text from my fellow TV Slut, Clovis:

"OH HOLY JESUS JUST WATCHED GAME OF THRONES!!!"

In case you couldn't tell, Clovis had just watched the Game of Thrones episode, The Rains of Castamere, where (SPOILER) lots of people die at a wedding. And by lots of people, I mean thousands of soldiers, a recurring character, and two major characters. Needless to say, this came as a bit of a shock for people who, like Clovis, are fans of the HBO series, but have never read the books. On the other hand, there are people like me who have been a fan of the books for a long time (with me it's been 11 years and counting) and have been waiting three seasons for this scene. Dubbed the "Red Wedding" in The Song of Ice and Fire series, it's as seminal an event to the books as the death of Ned Stark.

In order to help Clovis cope with the trauma, we decided to have a therapy internet chat session to hash out the good, the bad, and the ugly of the Rains of Castamere. I've cleaned up the grammar and punctuation and edited some of the hour long dialogue, but for the most part, these are our stream of consciousness thoughts. Enjoy!

Me: I am super curious to hear about your reaction to the episode, so, Clovis: what did you think??

Clovis: Well, before we get too into the details, let me just say this: you and I are both fans of Joss Whedon, so if ever there were some people who are primed to accept horrible, painful deaths of beloved characters, I feel like we fit the bill.

Me: Excellent point. Hmm....that reminds me of something I saw on the internet (shares link):

Clovis: That said, this may have been one of the harshest character death episodes of tv show that i have ever seen.

Me: So which character death are you referring to? Robb? Cat?

Jason: Well, all of it really. It was kind of carnage!

Me: I remember when I read Storm of Swords, I literally had to put the book down and walk away and question whether the Red Wedding had really just happened. It was actually very similar to my response when Ned died in Game of Thrones.

Clovis: Similar to that death, this is not the cliff-hanger. In other words, two of your main characters are just removed and you still have to make it through a lot more story.

Me: But I give the show runners credit...there were enough changes to still make it extra horrifying for those who had read the book. Like Robb's wife getting stabbed IN THE BABY.

Clovis: OH MY GOD YES!

Me: I mean, I can see stabbing someone--that's just business. But stabbing IN THE BABY. That is some cold shit. Clearly Filch is still upset that someone petrified Mrs. Norris.

Clovis: I had a bad feeling the second they got all twee about what they were going to name it and didn't Robb want to teach young Ned Stark about the beauty of the world while riding around on sepia-toned horses or something, but OH MY GOD! Yes, that's exactly what he's pissed off about.

Me: I can just see the Instagram photos of baby Ned Stark now but NOPE. In the book, the wife (Jeyne) is not there nor is she pregnant....I believe but the pregnant part made it way worse.

Clovis: So this is just added spice on the part of the show to go right to our guts.

Me: Ha, guts I see what you did there.

Clovis: Though, I have to say the hardest part for me was Cat.

Me: Some people just can't catch a break and remember, she believes that almost all of her kids are dead at that point.

Clovis: I KNOW!

Me: A lot of people have a problem with Cat because of her treatment of Jon Snow, but I think she is an amazing character...she felt real--good people are often jerks.

Clovis: I agree!

Me: But that doesn't make her not a total badass.

Clovis: I like that she's complex; I like that she admits to herself that she couldn't love Jon Snow even though she knew it was her duty to do it. She gives herself some shit for that.

Me: Exactly, she is strong. I see a lot of her in Sansa actually (apparently so does Littlefinger).

Clovis Oh that's interesting. And yeah, that makes sense, given Littlefinger's obsession with Sansa. But to return to the scene of the crime for a moment...the thing is, I was worried that something was going to happen to Cat with they way they filmed her reactions during the wedding and the feast. I just had a sick feeling, because of all the Starks, she was the one who kept saying that Filch (whatever his name is here) was not going to be pleased and was going to make problems for Robb's impulsive decision. Cat was just sort of convinced that because she was a Tully, somehow they could maybe mitigate the damage or something.

Me: Yes, that entire scene was great at building up dread and then when she started noticing little things, and the slow drums started you knew shit was going to GO DOWN.

Clovis So when the arrows start coming out, at first she goes down, but then hauls herself back up LIKE A BOSS and tries to retake control. I went back and forth between thinking "okay, Cat's going to make it. I guess Robb will too?" to thinking "well, they can't just kill the wife - she's not THAT central of a character".
Then down goes Robb and the wife and I think for a minute that Cat will be left alive to just have to live with the misery and the actress gives that horrible, heart-breaking wail. And then, almost as an after-thought, her throat is just gone. Ugh.

Me: I don't think I can remember any other book or tv show that dispensed with so many main characters at one time.

Clovis : RIGHT!!!!

Me: But that's why I love this series.

Clovis: That's what got me. NO one was safe.

Me: With the books first, and now the tv show, NOBODY IS SAFE and normal tropes don't hold true. I love being surprised, I hate guessing the end and you can NEVER do that here some people cannot handle that.

Jason: Definitely not. Also, how badly do you feel for Arya? I just feel like there's no amount of industrial strength therapy that is ever going to save Arya's poor sense of safety.

Me: Arya has ALL THE PTSD.

Clovis: She's going to be going into Westerosi POW camps when this whole thing is over and giving the war wounded shit for being pansies for only losing two legs or something.

Me: The Onion had a really funny article about the Red Wedding where even George RR Martin, was like, "Oh, shit! I totally forgot that happened!" I have to admit moments like this almost make me wish I hadn't read the books. I mean, I love them and they are fab and I had my own freak out when I first read Storm of Swords but I feel like there was this big collective event that happened on the HBO series and I now stand kind of outside it.

Clovis: You mean you feel that way right now, as the world freaks out over the show reacting to knowledge that you already had? I can see that. It's hard being an early adapter.

Me: But to know that it was coming had its own challenges. They really expanded Robb's role in the show and worked on breaking down and repairing his relationship with Cat . And then to know this was coming.... of course there was the question, "will they go through with it???" but I never really doubted.

Clovis: I do really like he structure of their relationship, especially this season. We got a really nice sense of how difficult Cat's decision to let Jaime go was and what that did to Robb's credibility. Watching them deteriorate only to have to build back up their relationship is right out of classic Greek tragedy, but that's why its so effective. It makes it hurt so much more to know that they were just starting to get back on good footing again.

Me: I also liked how we spent time with Robb mapping out his plan to take Castlery Rock. In fact, now I am like: "Wait! That was an awesome plan! I wanted to see Tywin's face!" I suppose they had to have a legit reason for him to return to the Twins and kiss Frey ass. So what's the overall lesson here?

Clovis: Aside from trust and love no one, ever?

Me: The lesson is Tywin Lannister is smarter than you. Walder Frey may have been morally bankrupt enough to actually kill these people...but this has Tywin written all over it. "The Lannisters send their regards" STAB.

Clovis: Oh totally - one of the nameless characters that I can't keep track of said something to that effect as he delivered the killing knife plunge into Robb's chest.

Me: Next time, just send a card, mkay? Oh, that guy was Roose Bolton! The flayed man is his sigel. His bastard son is the one torturing Theo. Actually I don't know if the show has made that clear, but I believe it has been referenced .I say bastard, meaning literally bastard.

Clovis: Oh that makes sense! I hadn't realized that, but once you put it in context...

Me: That's why that guy likes peeling off Theon's skin. And the Boltons are clearly all assholes.

Clovis: So, another theme to this episode, which is MASSIVELY echoed in the horrible final minutes, is the members of this fractured family getting SO CLOSE to being together only to be torn away. Again this also happened with Bran seeing Jon Snow fighting off the wildlings at the base of the tower. You could also argue that something similar, if smaller, is evident in Ygritte's reaction to Jon Snow running off once that fight is over - they were just getting close and now they're falling apart.

Me: Absolutely. This entire season has been about puzzle pieces slowly getting maneuvered into place. Oh, and we need to talk for a moment about Rickon actually getting speaking lines.

Clovis: I know! So proud of that little guy! It's almost like he had a character!

Me: Haha and he wasn't terrible, so bonus. Also: Bran is a super strong ward. Poor Hodor. STFU HODOR or, ok, I'll just possess you.

Clovis: I have to assume there's more to his story as this entire series goes on, but again I was struck with "wow, yet another Stark is being separated from his only family members."

Me: I almost see the land beyond the wall as Bran's underworld. You know, hero's journey and all that.

Clovis: That certainly sounds like it's what they're building to--all this business about needing to find the three-eyed raven certainly has a lot of that going on. Also, it should be clear that Martin, as you said, is always moving chess pieces on the board, so clearly Bran's story isn't a throw-away one.

Me: If I could get metaphysical for a moment, I wonder if the Stark kids are supposed to represent parts of a whole. Like Bran is the spirit ,Robb is the heart, Arya is the hand, and Sansa....is the uterus? I don't know, that's all anyone cares about with her. Oh, and Rickon is the pinky toe and Jon is the mole on the ass that nobody ever wanted.

Clovis: Theon is the raging case of herpes that was contracted in college.

Me: Some mistakes you can never live down. You spend the rest of your life disclosing to everyone about stupid Theon.

Clovis: What happens on the Iron Islands stays on the Iron Islands. Except for Theon. That comes back with you.

Me: And doesn't just burn your genitals, but your WHOLE DAMN CASTLE.

Clovis Yeah, your "house" is never really the same after that, is it?

Me: Nope what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for Robb and Cat since they are way dead.

Clovis: So, should Jon Snow be getting worried that he's next?

Me: ....you shouldn't ask me things like that you know. This is when I make my nah nah face.

Clovis: That's true NO SPOILERS!!!

Me: Because I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I will remind you however that the name of the series is Song of Ice and Fire. So someone is ice and someone is fire, but who???

Clovis: That's what I've been guessing! I figured Ice and Fire had to be people, I mean, the easy answer would be that Jon Snow is Ice and Dany is Fire.

Me: Maybe they will get married. And rule the entire world.

Jason: But that could also be a red herring of some kind.

Me: Like communism.

Clovis: Sweet, dragon-y communism

Me: I am a Jon/Dany shipper. I need to look up some fanfic.

Clovis: There you go.

...and that pretty much ended the conversation. See you at the season finale, gentle readers!

UPDATE:

Dead Things

We open on Chez Creepy, a.k.a. Emma’s father’s taxidermy workshop. Emma’s dad (who weirdly has an English accent) is teaching Norman the finer points of stuffing and mounting your dear, dead dog. Norman’s clearly enraptured by the whole process and Emma’s father encourages him to come back and he’ll teach him some more. 

Makes you wonder how the "BYOSubject" policies work at this place. 

In school, Emma’s having a breathing attack in the girl’s bathroom when she overhears two mean girls talking trash about how creepy Norman is and how Bradley is so kind to humor Norman and no way would she ever do the sex with him. Sidebar, whenever high school girls go to the bathroom to put on their makeup and gossip, is it required that a nerdy girl be hiding in a stall to overhear everything? Just curious. Anyway, rather than stay hidden Emma bursts out and tells the Super Models how wrong they are. Legitimately, go Emma for not being a stereotype. Back at the motel, Norma’s just now starting to think the man taking up the rooms is a little creepy. She tries to call the sheriff, but he’s unavailable.

In the pot field in the woods, Dylan and Remo are given orders by Gil to “pick up the trimmers” from California. Dylan has no idea what a trimmer is and no one seems eager to explain it to him. In school, Bradley heard from Cody who heard from Ashley who heard from Chloe that Norman told Emma that she should tell the school newspaper that they, you know, did it. Norman wants to know what’s so wrong with being honest, but Bradley tells him to forget it happened. Norman’s upset and tries to leave school but he’s stopped by his guidance counselor. He pushes her when she tries to bring him back in and storms off.

"Bad touching! Bad touching!"

In the motel, Mother comes to clean room number 9. While she makes the bed, the Dapper Man asks about the news about Shelby being shot on the steps and the news that Shelby and Keith used the hotel for the sex trade. Shocking, isn’t it? Dapper Man continues to be creepy, asking after Norman and vaguely menacing Mother before she gets out of the room.  

Mother decides to go to the Sheriff, makeup done and dress low-cut, to ask the Sheriff to put her name into consideration for the city planning commission to help fight the new highway bypass proposal. Mother tries to leverage their shared history to bribe him when holy woah, he gets even creepier than the Dapper Man, calmly threatening to burn Mother to the ground if she tries to do this to him again. On the way out, she gets more bad news – Norman’s principal wants Mother to come in for a chat about him.

Norman meanwhile has found Emma to ask why she let the cat out of the bag, both with his mother and with the Super Models. “What are you trying to do?” Norman asks her. “Bradley was really upset.” Oy, Norman.

In the school, Mother hears from the guidance counselor and he principal that Norman will be suspended for three days for skipping school in the middle of the day. Wow. Harsh. When I was in high school we could walk right out. But, then, I went to a school with low public funding, so there’s that. The school staff are concerned about Norman’s “emotional instability” and his social miscues. They’d like him to speak with one of the school psychologists, but Mother will only agree if she can choose the therapist and it is done in private and then she bails on that particular meeting.

Heading down to California, Dylan has learned that the “trimmer” is the person who cuts the weed and prepares it. Remo is being bitter with his 23 years of experience and now he’s working for a 21 year old. Dylan points out maybe it has something to do with his liquor issues, a point hammered home by the fact that they needed to stop in a bar before continuing to fetch the trimmer. The predictable bar fight ensues and they both bloody the other one pretty badly. Like true men, though, this puts a lot behind them and they continue to bond as Remo confesses that he’s never advanced in this business because he’s not “consistently reliable” despite working for the “big boss”, who is not Gil but someone who Dylan will come to know when he needs to. Ominous.

Just two guys wrasslin'. Nothing to see here, barkeep. 

That night, Norman apologizes for leaving school, but he doesn’t want to talk about what made him upset. Mother tells him that he has to try to fit in and not be so emotional all the time. Norman insists that he’s totally normal and btw, can Mother drive him to Emma’s father’s shop so that he can take apart animals and put them back together again? At the taxidermy shop, Mother tells Emma’s father privately that she’s not sure this is an awesome idea, given Norman’s background. The father insists that Norman is skilled and the animals are already dead – what could go so wrong with letting him follow his passion? Oh, the Irony Monster strikes again!

Later that night, Emma’s father and Norman bond over rebuilding the dead dog. I’m not clear on the subtext, but I also think the show may have suggested that the reason Emma’s parents are separated is because the father is gay. Not sure if that’s something the show is going to deal with or not. Either way, while the conversation continues, Mother drives back to the motel and sees the Dapper Man driving off for the evening. She decides to follow him.

The man drives to the docks and Mother follows him once again COMPLETELY NOT STEALTHILY onto a houseboat. He pokes around the bridge a bit before exiting. Mother tries to slink away but gets instantly caught by him. “I think you know what I’m looking for,” he tells her and demands to know “where did you hide it?” Mother is completely confused, but he insists that he’s not going to walk away from this, like Keith Summers did. “He was the bottom rung. I am the top.” He tells Mother.

"It's a carpentry metaphor, actually. I know. Wacky, right?"

The next day, Mother has followed up on her promise and brought Norman to a shrink, who wants to talk about Norman’s father dying. Norman repeatedly tries to answer his questions, only to be interrupted by Mother. The therapist tells Mother privately that he should probably see the two of them separately and asks them both to come back, but on their own. He identifies that Mother needs to control Norman and asks her if she ever feels out of control in her life. Mother bristles and begins to explode about how in control she is over everything. I actually want to read this therapists’ notes from this session. They must be awesome.

Meanwhile, Dylan finally arrives for the trimmer, turns out to be part of troupe of dirty teenage hippies with their hackey sacks and guitar circles. Remo wants them to stop with the folk music and they give him crap for it, clearly believing they have the power here. Dylan stops the car and forces each of them out at gunpoint, showing the kind of initiative that Remo obviously never did. He doesn’t hurt the trimmer, but he does leave him by the side of the road.

Coming back to the motel, Mother comes to room number 9 and gives the Dapper Man his money back and tells him to leave. She tells him that she’ll call the cops and tell them all about his plans for “privacy” parties every other month. The Dapper Man says he knows that won’t work because Mother was sleeping with Shelby and she obviously knows what was going on in the motel. Mother begins to wilt at this, whimpering that he doesn’t have any power over her, a recurring theme of this episode. For whatever reason, the Dapper Man moves his bags into his car and drives off.

Norman meanwhile has finished mounting his dog when Emma finds him. She confesses she heard what the Super Models were saying about Norman and it made her angry because she thinks Norman is “special”. Emma says she can be okay with Norman not falling for her like she’s fallen for him, but she just feels safe with him and besides, she doesn’t have many friends. Emma is seriously at risk of becoming the woobie for this entire show.

Back home, Dylan arrives back at the motel with Remo and the rest of the hippies. He wants to put up the kids in the rooms for the next two weeks. Mother is honestly touched and agrees to take care of the hippies. Then she asks him if he wants to grab dinner with her and Dylan shakily agrees. It’s obviously a new dynamic for them. Things are going so well! She’s kicked out the creepy guy, the motel is filling up, her sons maybe sorta don’t hate her anymore. Life is good.

Except that it’s totally not for long. Mother goes up to her bedroom to change and finds that someone has placed the mutilated, decaying body of Shelby in her bed. Gross. And, obviously, creepy.

"My rugged good looks are starting to suffer a bit."

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill. 

Recapping AHS: Baby, I Was Born This Way

Oh my God, you guys. I've been a little worried that this show wasn't going to live up to the thoroughly ridiculous crazy from last year. So far, we just haven’t seen anything that over the top, you know? Yeah, not after this episode. To begin - A thoroughly modern phone rings and 911 answers a call from a man’s voice saying that the police are needed at Briarcliff and that he has taken care of “the impostors . Modern day cops arrive at the Briarcliff ruins to find the bodies of the three teenagers dressed as Bloody Face suspended in the air.

"So wat's up?" "Nuthin. Just hangin out."

Act I! In 1964, a woman brings her young daughter to the asylum after it appears that the little girl, Jenny, murdered her friend and then dispassionately blamed a man with a beard and a brown jacket in a totally unconvincing way. Lana awakes in a comfortable bed and someone cooking in the distance. As she comes to, she realizes she’s still in Thredson’s torture chamber, although at least the bed is real. Thredson is making her tomato soup and sandwiches because that’s what polite killers do for their victims. Thredson says the sandwiches are the “perfect mommy snack”, but that he never had a mother because he was abandoned as a child and then grew up in an orphanage. Thredson always knew he was different, but it wasn't until Medical school that he really understood about himself when he encountered a female cadaver, which he came to believe was a sort of surrogate for his real mother. He felt compelled to be close to the cadaver, finding her body in a gross anatomy class and eventually stripping down and laying next to her and OH HOLY GOD WE JUST WENT RIGHT INTO NECROPHILIA WITH A CORPSE THAT HE WANTS TO BE HIS MOTHER OH MY GOD!!! He says the experience was only marred by how cold and stiff the cadaver’s skin was, even after he removed it. Thus, he decided to start off with fresher bodies and began murdering the women that he has now framed Kit for. 

Forever unclean...

Meanwhile, Mr. Goodman calls Sister Jude to say that he’s made a breakthrough and even though Anne wasn't really Anne Frank, her information was accurate and Arden is, in fact, Hans Gruber. Goodman asks Jude for Arden’s fingerprint. In a local hospital, Monsignor has agreed to deliver Last Rights for a Jane Doe who is extremely defiled and suffering from TB in addition to many other diseases. No surprise, the Jane Doe is Shelly looking not long for the world.

Act II! Flashback to 1962 as Monsignor meets Arden for the first time when Briarcliff was still a sanitarium. Arden is the supervising physician. Monsignor delivers Last Rights for the few remaining patients as they die and then assists Arden in disposing of the bodies in the crematorium. With Briarcliff is shutting down, Arden fears his research developing a drug that would boost the immune system will be over. Back in 1964, Monsignor watches helplessly as Shelly appears to finally die before confronting Arden directly in his office, saying Jude was right about him and that he is a monster. Arden sees the inmates as evolutionary failures, including one whom who has caught masturbating while spying on Sister Eunice as she undresses in her room and is now his latest test subject. By infecting them with both TB and Syphilis, Arden believes that they are now “more than human” and that the research will get American through an inevitable Russian nuclear attack. Monsignor is all, hells no, I’m reporting you, but Arden says that doing that will expose him too. Wonder what that’s about? Arden says Monsignor can avoid anything by getting rid of Jude. In the kitchen, Eunice is cutting vegetables with Jenny. Eunice eggs Jenny on, saying that the friend she murdered was totes asking for it and Jenny shouldn't apologize for anything. Eunice reveals her own tortured past trying to be friends with a bunch of Mean Girls who tricked her into disrobing at a pool party in front of a cute boy. Jenny is skeptical, but Eunice confesses that she’s actually the devil, so take that, little psychopathic kid. And BTW, God is totally false, you know that right? This scene is kind of amazing and I totally want to see more of Demon Eunice and the child murderer.

Maybe a cooking show?

Upstairs, Monsignor tells Jude to pack her bags – he’s arranged for her to be transferred to a girls’ home in Pittsburgh. Jude knows Arden is behind this and that he’s turned Monsignor against her.

Act III! Jude packs her bags as Eunice informs her that Jenny’s mother has come back to pick her up. Jude tearfully tells her that she’s leaving Briarcliff, but she’s not going to leave Eunice at the mercy of Arden. In his house, Thredson takes a call from Kit from the prison who wants to know what the hell is up with that taped confession? Thredson is all hey man, sucks to be you. Lana takes advantage of the distraction to try to saw through the chains holding her leg to the bed, but Thredson comes back to the torture room before she can get free. When he sees what she’s done he says that she is just like all the others and not Mommy at all. He ties her arms to the bed and dons the Bloody Face mask. In her room, Eunice has put on Jude’s red slip and dances around her room provocatively while singing along to “You Don’t Own Me” at the crucifix on her wall. Seriously, am I the only one who really digs this demon’s sense of humor? A phone rings – it’s Goodman looking for Sister Jude. Jude brings some cognac to Arden in his lab, offering him a toast to his success at getting her kicked out. Jude says she’s always been a good sport and offers a glass, which Arden eventually accepts, leaving a nice convenient fingerprint. In his hotel room, Goodman answers a knock at the door – it’s Sister Eunice.

Act IV! Jude arrives at Goodman’s hotel room to a phone ringing and the door open. She answers the phone, but no one responds on the other end of the line. It’s then that she notices a VERY bloody Goodman lying in the bathroom with a shard of mirror sticking out of his neck. Goodman manages to get out that a nun did this. Eunice, meanwhile, is confronting Arden with Goodman’s evidence, but tells him she’s taken care of it, although she has hidden some evidence herself in case he tries to double-cross her. Arden insists that he isn't a monster, he’s a visionary and the Nazi hunters are just "money-grubbing Jews", which kinda damages his case. Eunice tells him he just needs to trust her “with your entire soul” and everything will work out. Meanwhile, Jenny is up to her old tricks, having murdered her entire family and again dispassionately giving the story about the man with a beard and a brown coat being the culprit. Back in his torture room, Thredon starts to cut off Lana’s clothes while still wearing the mask. He admits that he’s been watching Lana for some time now, going back to when Lana first took an interest as Kit was initially brought in by the police. Lana, sensing her only option, tells him that she understands and that she doesn't want him to feel guilty because a mother’s love is unconditional. She calls him her baby and Thredson tearfully removes the mask before cuddling up to her like an infant and starting to nurse from her breast. In the modern day, cops pull down the three bodies and report that the call came from Leo’s phone. They find Leo, sans arm, in the next room. Suddenly, a phone rings. It’s in another room, being held by Leo’s arm. The detectives answer it and hear the man’s voice, who says he only killed the impostors  Cut to another torture room and another Bloody Face, standing over Teresa who is strapped to a table.

Next week – Sister Eunice gets wicked and apparently there’s an angel? Sure. Why not.

Just a quick post on this hot and humid Friday to announce some news...

MTV cancels Jersey Shore. 

 I think I speak for all of America when I say, THANK THE LORD.

Next week, all of TV Sluts' regular contributors will be on vacation--that's right, we're all going to Las Vegas along with some other friends for a week of fun in the sun and debauchery. I am sure there will also be some television watching in there (hey, it's us), but posts will be probably be on the thin side. Though I have been meaning to post about BBC America's Copper, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, and So You Think You Can Dance...but no promises as to whether it will actually happen. It's a vacation after all!

In the meantime, if anybody wants to send a guest post my way feel free!

There Goes Honey Boo Boo

My own adventures with travel television watching are well-documented here on the blog, and usually involve one of the many versions of Law and Order. You can't argue that channel options are severely limited while on the road, and here's a guest post from Scienter weighing in on what is clearly the result of some truly desperate times.  

I’ll admit it up front, I’ve never watched an entire episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.  Even watching part of an episode preview makes me think about how Pageant Moms are setting their daughters up for a lifetime of self esteem and body image issues in a desperate attempt to live vicariously through a little girl made up to look like a grown woman.  Maybe I’m being too harsh?  Nah. 

I was on work travel last week and had some time to kill in my hotel room.  After clicking through what felt like 6,000 variations of ESPN, I found Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC.  Remember when TLC stood for The Learning Channel? I didn’t catch the episode from the beginning, nor do I know the back story of Honey Boo Boo.  But this show was like a train wreck that I couldn’t stop watching, even though I could feel my IQ slowly dropping.  This must be satire, I thought.  Maybe these people are actors!

I didn’t catch the whole episode, but I saw enough to get the gist.  Alana (“Honey Boo Boo”) had the misfortune of being born to June, a 32 year old woman who puts her daughter into pageants.  Her sisters are teenagers and one of them is in her third trimester, which is why Honey Boo Boo calls her “the pregnanciest.”  The middle sister seems a bit obsessed with farting.  TLC clearly was trying to portray this family as quite ignorant and unintelligent, and they did a top-notch job.  

 Do rednecks really need subtitles?  Yes, sometimes they do. 

I got the impression that lots of the lines were scripted, especially the things that Honey Boo Boo herself said.  That said, she seems like a sassy, relatively un-messed up child (at least for now). I thought it was cute that her family bought her a pig to cheer her up after losing at a pageant. 

I tried to get through this episode, I really did.  But after seeing a teenage girl ask if farting at the dinner table was acceptable, I called it quits.  Either that line was scripted, she was serious, or she was being sarcastic.  If it was either of the first two, I weep for humanity. 

Super Duper Sumos

This? Is a real show.



It is called Super Duper Sumos, and according to Wikipedia it aired on Nickelodeon from 2002 to 2003.

And I have seen it.

There I was, innocently watching Sunday morning television while out of town this past weekend with friends and BOOM. Super Duper Sumos. I don't think we knew what we in for. Also according to wiki, "The main plot for the series was for the crimefighting sumo wrestlers to go on an adventure and fight using their buttocks." And you know what? That's pretty accurate.

There are three sumos. Boomam, the blonde white surfer dude, Kimo, the Japanese, Zen-like sumo with a strict honor code, and Mamoo, the black sensible, unofficial leader of the trio. And yes, I had to look up their names on the internet because while the show was airing the only thing I was thinking/saying was basically, "THIS CANNOT BE REAL."

But it was, you guys. It really was. 

The plot of the episode we saw involved the guys going undercover at a ballet company. For some reason they disguised themselves as female ballet dancers and it was not until the very end that someone (the bad guy who might have been a flying monkey?) figured out they were actually sumos. It was...ridiculous. But also kind of awesome? I can't be sure.

Oh, and the BEST part is when the guys activate their super powers by bumping their asses together. A ray of light then shoots out (seriously) and they grow even bigger and more powerful (the sumos, not their asses). Chris, Andi, and I did out best to recreate this moment for you. No super powers (or rays of light) yet though. 

I don't know when or even if this show airs anywhere else. I bet if you looked for it online you would find it, but be warned. It is craaaaaaaazy.