So after 10 long episodes (and some of them felt longer than
others) we finally get to learn about The Seven Wonders via an old-timey silent
movie style classroom infomercial. AHS is nothing if not stylized. For those
keeping count at home, the Seven Wonders are defined as seven act of
significantly advanced magic. They include telekinesis, consilium (mind
control), transmutation, divination, vitum vitalis (bringing the dead back to
life through breath) descensum (“a perilous descent into the nether worlds of
afterlife), and pyrokinesis. Attempting them can kill you, but successfully
performing all of them will make you the next Supreme.
Cordelia and her freaky fucking eye sockets comes to Madison
to see what Madison knows about Misty’s disappearing act. Madison is cagey as
hell, refusing to let Cordelia touch her and possibly see what she’s done, but
eventually relents only to find that Cordelia apparently still hasn’t regained
her sight. Kinda makes that eye thing a problem.
GAH! Sunglasses, woman!
Meanwhile, Queenie finds a bloody mess in the conservatory
and hears Marie’s murderous thoughts, but can’t find a body. Queenie decides to
practice some early Seven Wonders training and invokes Papa Legba, but finds
herself back in the fried chicken joint she left back in Detroit. There’s a
line literally around the block and no one else working. Confused, she begins
to help the eerily quiet customers before seeing Papa Legba in the corner who
tells her that she’s been brought to her own private hell – no power, no
respect, stuck in a place where no one thinks she can do anything. Papa is
impressed that she made it to Hell, however, praising her ability. He tells her
that if she can’t get out of Hell by morning, she’ll be stuck there forever.
Pulling herself out, Queenie finds Papa in her room who tells her what’s
happened to Marie – Delphine dismembered her and spread her body parts all
around. Queenie still needs Papas help. Thinking quickly, Queenie points out
that Marie is now going to be in breach of her contract, which removes her from
the equation of what’s about to come. That means that Delphine needs to be
removed too…
Weirdest employee review ever.
At Delphine’s old house-turned-tourist attraction, the
original docent has been replaced by someone much more…Delphine-looking.
Delphine has taken up the revisionist history banner, telling her version of
her “the elegant and universally admired Delphine LaLaurie” to the tourists
while posing as a tour guide in the house. When pressed about the murders and
the attic torture chamber, she coldly tells the tourists that attic is off the
tour and anyway it was all lies and the attic was only for “firm, but humane”
correctional behavior. She praises herself as “a visionary ahead of her time”
thus securing her a future contract with Fox News.
When the tourists leave, Queenie confronts Delphine who
admits to murdering the old docent after she critized her tactics and, worse,
her entertaining. “Nobody’s going to waste their time on some uppity Negro when
there’s a fabulous party,” she mutters when the docent tells the group that
oftentimes the murders happened while revelries were going on downstairs.
Priorities. Queenie tries to give Delphine one last attempt at redeption,
hilariously by suggesting that she volunteer with the Urban League. Delphine,
however, has been watching the news about Paula Dean and Anthony
Weiner(seriously) and thinks this redemption shit is bunk. Seeing that it’s not
going to work, Queenie plunges a dagger into Delphine’s chest.
Part of me really hopes Kathy Bates just did this in real life to screw with people.
In the school, Fiona is finally getting her portrait done
under Myrtle’s artistic eye and realizing her mortality is closing in. She
attempts a final honest connection with Cordelia, telling her that her power is
still inside of her and she can’t lose it or regain it. She also gives her an
old necklace that was her mother’s. When Cordelia puts on the necklace she
suddenly sees the house, the girls all laying slaughtered and mutilated on the
floors and impaled on the walls. In her vision, Cordelia sees a hale and
healthy Fiona pull the necklace off Cordelia’s own dead body and leave the house.
Cordelia hightails it to the Axeman’s apartment. Cordelia
tells the Axeman that she also saw Fiona with a plane ticket in her purse,
fleeing the country with her new health and leaving him behind. The flight
leaves in two days and, given that he doesn’t exactly have a passport, clearly
she’s not planning on him joining her.
Knocking things off the To-Do list, Cordelia then divines
from Misty’s shalls that she is entombed in the cemetery. Cordelia brings
Queenie to the crypt and has her pull the coffin from the grave. Misty’s body
is still inside, but she isn’t breathing. At Cordelia’s urging, Queenie
breathes life back into Misty, bringing her back from the dead.
At the school, Zoe and Kyle have returned: apparently
Florida didn’t agree with them when Kyle angrily killed a homeless man and Zoe
had to bring him back to life. Par for the course for that relationship,
really, but Zoe is now convinced that she may be the next Supreme. Just then,
Misty returns and begins to literally bitch-slap Madison across the house. What
follows is a seriously awesome girl fight through the house that was one of the
only real exciting moments this entire season. The awesome gets even better
when the Axeman interrupts the fight to kill the girls and the girls collectively
throw him across the room LIKE A BOSS. He’s covered n blood, which Cordelia
divines is Fiona’s.
In a flashback we see Fiona coming to the Axeman after
Cordelia left him. Axeman tells Fiona that he wants to take her out of town to
go catfishing – he has a vision of them living together forever in a cabin by
the river. Fiona laughs it off and tries to change the subject, but the jig she
is up. Axeman finds the plane ticket in her purse, just like Cordelia said, and
confronts her angrily. Fiona points out that with the next Supreme dead she has
30 more years of vitality – it’s not like she’s going to waste it in a rustic
cabin by a river with him. And that’s when the Axeman lived up to his name,
buring his axe into Fiona’s back over and over again before throwing her body
into the swamp
Cordelia sees the entire scene. She tells the girls that
Fiona really is gone, her body was thrown into the swamps and fed to the
alligators. “Even I can’t bring back someone once they’re gator shit,” Misty demurs.
The girls(and Kyle) are pleased that he’s gotten rid of Fiona for them, but
they’re not about to let the Axeman go free either. They descend on him, cutting him literally to pieces
together in what almost passes for sisterhood.
Girlpower!
Somewhere else, Delphine is thrown being thrown into the
cages in her own house, although she is dressed in 1830s clothes. Delphine
screams as a fully unharmed Marie Laveau stands waiting with a white hot poker
while standing over Delphine’s daughter, also imprisoned in a cage. When the
daughter complains of being thirsty, Marie cuts Delphine’s throat and gives her
the blood to drink. Marie is confused, though – she doesn’t want to torture
Marie’s daughter and doesn’t know why she’s doing it or even how she got there.
“You will do as you are commanded,” Papa Legba suddenly appears. Turns out,
Hell is a funny place and Marie and Delphine are both condemned to spend theirs
together. “Eventually,” Papa says. “Everybody pays. Everybody suffers.”
In the school, Fiona’s portrait is hung with care as Myrtle
and Cordelia tell the girls that Fiona shirked her responsibility to name a
successor. Which means each of the girls will be tested – they’re all going to
have to compete in the Seven Wonders.
And may the best witch win.
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