The True Death

Our long, sexy, national nightmare is over.  This past summer, perennial WTF generator True Blood finally met the True Death and concluded a seven season-long run on HBO.  And while I can’t say that I’ll really miss the show, I am going to miss always knowing that there was something on TV that would make me shake my head and mutter, “well, okay…” 

True Blood started ridiculously strong back in 2007.  In an era where every single story emphasized the misunderstood, sympathetic, chaste, teenage nature of vampires, True Blood’s malicious, randy bloodsuckers were a breath of fresh air.  There was no “romantic” staring into each other’s eyes scenes, no “they just don’t understand us” soliloquies set to classical music.   You got the sense that the entire cast and crew of the show read about 30 pages of an Anne Rice novel and said to themselves, “well this is boring as hell” and then immediately got to filming a butt sex scene while covered in blood.

YES!

Because the show’s mission was always to showcase adults, the initial storylines functioned as a mature, if telegraphed, metaphor not for growing up or some other theme ripped from Joss Whedon’s notes, but for social issues like racism, anti-gay bigotry, and the American South’s continuing struggles emerging into the 21^st century.  (Sorry, southern readers.  You know it’s true.)  And while the show was never subtle about its issues (the opening credits featured a billboard sign reading “God hates fangs”), it made up for its lack of grace with original storytelling and fresh visuals that hadn’t been used before.  If you haven’t seen the show, the first time a vampire is staked it will make your mouth fall open. 

The first season featured an erstwhile murder mystery as a framing story to introducing us to a world where vampires have “come out of the coffin” (what is this thing you call subtlety?) and organized, more or less, under two factions – those who want to integrate into society and live among humans thanks to a new synthetic substance called True Blood that mimics human blood thus negating the need for vampires to feed off humans, and those vampires who still believe that they are the superior race and that humans should be subjugated, not cohabitated with.  Later seasons ran with this tension, showing more and more about how vampire society worked and the ways in which the rest of the world had adapted or not, including the rise of “fangbangers” who are humans who have a sexual proclivity with vampires and drinking blood and even vampire-focused legal offices that only operate at night and help vampires who have been undead for many years figure out what their legal rights are to property owned while they were living.  Add that to a healthy dose of graphic sexuality, and you're at least going to be entertained for an hour each week. 

Did I mention the ho-yay?

All of this world-building made for fascinating watching.  Even as the show began to jump off the rails around its fourth or fifth season, seeing how the creators imagined how the most mundane aspects of everyday life would be managed in a world where vampires were real (a specialty airline service with UV-blocking windows caters to the vampires who wish to travel abroad) was always still interesting.  And if you couldn’t get into the subplots involving werewolves, fairies, shapeshifters, or witches, you always at least had the recurring southern gothic drama between the townspeople of Bon Temps, Louisiana, to keep you occupied. 

Unlike the characters, however, True Blood was not destined for an eternal life and began to age.  Plotlines got more and more ridiculous, the show developed an unhealthy tendency toward melodrama such that the speechifying and campy grandstanding of the later seasons stand in stark contrast to the more nuanced and, at times, genuinely scary first few seasons.  Where the first two seasons played with the audience’s expectations about reality and mystery, the show in its later life preferred to keep strictly to over-the-top plot contrivances and characters behaving like characters instead of people. 

An assemblance of well-developed, three-dimensional characters that were sadly never seen again after season three. 

Nothing is more illustrative of this trend that season seven’s insistence upon finding a way to bring lead characters Sookie and Bill back together.  True Blood was premised on the story of diner waitress Sookie Stackhouse falling in love with Bill Compton, a nearly 200-year-old vampire who is the first of his kind to make himself known to humans in his small Louisiana town.  Sookie and Bill remained the show’s primary couple for the first three years before starting to breakdown in season four.  By the start of the final season, it is well established that both characters have moved on, however the writers couldn’t resist the chance for an easy bookend and piled on the nostalgia to create a final story arc where both characters realize that they are Meant To Be or something.  This is particularly remarkable considering that neither character in the novels that serve as the show’s source material ever comes to any similar consideration.  Thanks, Hollywood. 

The final season is slightly mitigated by sheer number of Easter Eggs tossed in to appease long-time viewers.   The return of several fan-favorite characters, as well as the reunification of several others, helped to send the show off properly even if several other major characters, Tara and Alcide being the two most prominent, are given some of the most abrupt write-offs in the history of television.

So Hail and Farewell, True Blood.  I won’t miss your convoluted storylines, but I will miss Eric.  I won’t miss your unfortunate tendency toward saccharine storytelling, but I will most definitely miss Pam.  Actually, thinking on it, Pam is the thing I’m going to miss the most.  Someone get Kristin Bauer van Straten a pilot, STAT.  Meanwhile, I remain confident that television audiences have not lost their taste for WTF programming.  In any case, Salem is going to have some large, bloody shoes to fill.

Oh, Pam.  You can keep sassing me/slitting my throat for another ten seasons. 

Bitten

Another day, another new Syfy (by way of Canada) show.

This one is about werewolves. I know! How original! Based on the Women of the Underworld series of books by Kelley Armstrong, Bitten is a relatively entertaining and non-offensive entry into the supernatural drama genre. You probably won't love it, but you probably won't hate it either.

From the Syfy website:

Bitten is an emotionally charged supernatural thriller starring Laura Vandervoort (Smallville, Ted) as Elena Michaels, the lone female werewolf in existence. Desperate to escape both a world she never wanted to be part of and the man who turned her into a werewolf, Elena has abandoned her pack and taken refuge in a new city. There, she works as a photographer and hides her werewolf existence from her new boyfriend. When bodies start turning up in her pack’s backyard, Elena finds herself back at Stonehaven, the werewolves’ ancestral domain. Torn between two worlds and two loves, she quickly realizes that – when push comes to shove – she’ll stop at nothing to defend her pack.

The concept is somewhat interesting--the show has been teasing out details of the how and what of the werewolves and addressing why Elena is the only female of the species, but there are still questions to resolve. Bitten also features a large ensemble cast of mostly white guys (an all too common occurrence unfortunately), so distinguishing between all the different characters is a bit of a challenge. But I have to give Syfy props  for creating a show with a strong female lead.

Elena can kick ass with the best of them and struggles with balancing her desire for independence with her duties to the pack, i.e. her family. It's something that most women starting out on their own can relate to--albeit with less fur, claws, and disemboweling. At least, I hope that's not how your adult life got started. Bitten also pairs well with the Canadian-import Lost Girl for a supernatural girl power block on Monday nights.

If it sounds like I am kinda "meh" on the show, well you're not wrong. I've actually read the first book in the series (also called Bitten) and from what I remember the series is tracking the book's plot pretty closely.

Maybe because I already have a general idea of what is going to happen it's difficult for me to get invested in the show, or maybe it's just that it it's kind of average all over. Nobody in the cast is particular bad...or particularly good. They've tried to dress it up with some sex scenes, but even those are only moderately hot. And it doesn't help that there isn't a lot of chemistry between the actress who plays Elena and the actor who plays Clay, the guy who supposedly has a "deep burning love" for her.

Maybe if we stare at each other hard enough, we can convince the viewing public that we are actually attracted to one another instead of wondering if we remembered to set the DVR for Scandal.

If you're a fan of supernatural dramas, it's worth checking out to see what you think. There are some original ideas here regarding the werewolf pack, what makes a family, and where your loyalties should lie. I will stick with it, but mostly because I am a sucker for any kind of creature feature.

Bitten airs on Syfy Monday evenings at 8:00 EST. You can catch all the aired episodes on the show's website here, or on On Demand.

True Blood Special - All Shirts Half Off!

So, the True Blood episode "At Last" this week finally brought us back to some of the classic Season 1-era good stuff, with all the vampire-lovin' and crazy V Juice hallucinations and some good, old fashioned slaughter. It took us four episodes, but we're finally getting to the good stuff, people. 

We begin with Sookie and Ben distracting themselves from their nascent hormones to notice that Jason’s “I’m Totally Fine It’s In No Way A Problem” related sickness from last episode is, go figure, a problem now that he’s passed out on the floor. While Sookie goes to call 911, Ben vamps out (!!!)and bites into his own arm to feed Jason his blood. Why Ben – you sly dog you! So that’s why Sookie is so into you.  And it couldn’t possibly be in no way shape or form because you’re totally maybe not really Warlow. I mean, there’s absolutely no possible way our blonde heroine could be fooled by a handsome man who’s secretly the big bad, right?

Oh. Right. 

Nora is fleeing but is stopped by Grandpa. Nora has figured out that Warlow is the only one who can kill Lilith, but no one knew before now due to a mistranslation in the Vampire Bible. Don’t you just kinda wish there was also something about wearing mixed textiles or selling your daughter into slavery for not being a virgin as well? Anyway, It’s right about then that Nora realizes she’s talking to a yummy, yummy faerie and Grandpa has to literally blast her half a mile away, right into a troop of the Gov’s armed men, who bag and tag Nora like it’s their job. Of course, that’s because it is.

Back at the house, Jason has made an astonishing recovery and is back to normal in, literally, seconds. Ben feigns ignorance as Grandpa returns to remind Ben that Sookie is the one who is Fey and needs protecting, not Jason. Tough love, Jason. Don’t look to Grandpa to be your new father figure.

The werewolf pack is finishing up their meal of Hipsters Au Gratin when Martha notices that Sam made away with Emma. Alcide orders the wolves to give chase. Sidebar – did the writers this season just decide to throw out all of Alcide’s characterization from the past three years? He’s approaching serious dick-itude. Sam is helping the wounded Nicole get to Lafayette who’s waiting with the getaway car.

"I know. We're almost halfway through the season and we're both stuck in this plotline."

Ginger, meanwhile, is doing her best to keep the Governor talking, but his patience is up and his men raid her house with “silver oxide” tear gas. Ginger gets yet another chance to scream her trademark scream as the Governor orders her taken to the Camp as well. Given how often she’s been glamoured, the Camp may actually be restful for her. Eric and Pam, however, have already escaped to find Tara, who has says she’s hidden Willa at the county fairground.

At the Bellefleur’s, the Quintuplets are listening into Terry’s thoughts about Patrick, the dead fire-monster Marine from last season. Terry tries to tell them he’s just sad that Patrick had to go away, but the girls are like, “Um… we’re mind-readers. You killed him, dude.” These four are rapidly becoming the Mean Girls of Bon Temps with all their giggling and laser-hand blasting. Andy arrives to put the girls to bed. “You haven’t slept since you were three,” he tells them. He kisses them goodnight and turns out the light and closes the door, which is right when the next growth spurt hits and the girls instantly mature to late teenagers. “I don’t want to stay in bed,” one of them says. “We might be 30 by the time we wake up.” They decide to do what teenage girls do best – sneak out and find a rager somewhere.

"Maybe a pillow fight will break out while we're still developmentally age-appropriate for one."

At Sookie’s, Jason is working out (shirtless, naturally) and managing pull up reps in the upper 200s. Hrm… Sookie is tidying up the living  room when she sees a drop of blood on the floor. She remembers Grandpa showing her last episode how the blood that was all over the slaughtered faerie Go-Go club reacted strangely to faerie light and this drop does the same. Remember how Ben was supposedly walking around for a day before finding the place and I was asking if it was bad writing or a plot point? Guess we know which.

The Quintuplets meanwhile have stolen Andy’s police cruiser and headed to the liquor store in Aunt Arlene’s best “gal on the town” clothes, unaware that they’re being followed by Bill and Jessica. Inside the liquor store, the girls tell the skeezy cashier that they forgot their IDs, but they’re totes 27. The cashier says if they want to follow him to the back there’s a “little known trick of anatomy” that he knows that can tell him for sure if they’re of age. Jessica saves the day, glamouring the cashier into leaving. Jessica tries to bond with the kids before inviting them back to her place, but the girls notice that she “smells funny” and isn’t like them. Jessica admits that she’s a vampire, but tells them not to worry because she’s “Like, totally old and I can totally control myself and I have, like, a ton of faerie friends.” Sounds good to the girls! (See my repeated comments re: faeries and their lack of critical thinking skills.)

Jason, meanwhile, is shaving (shirtless, naturally). With Ben’s help. While Barry White style music plays in the background.  “Do you want to do me now?” Ben asks, winking. Jason lathers his face with shaving cream before accidently cutting Ben’s neck with the razor, causing a trickle of blood. Ben asks him to taste the blood and Jason moves in, mouth open, tongue out aaaaaaaand you TOTALLY knew this was a weird sex dream, right? Jason bolts upright in his bed, looking hilariously freaked out.

Ho-yay ahoy!

Bill talks one of the girls into letting him take some of her blood, under the guise of it being a foreplay thing. He then brings the blood to the professor that Jessica brought in last episode who’s being held in a makeshift lab in the basement. Bill asks him to use the girl’s blood to replicate this blood, just like he did with human blood to make True Blood, telling the professor “failure is not an option.”

Eric has found Willa in the fairgrounds. She reiterates that she’s on his side, not being happy with what her father is doing and she wants to help in any way that she can. Eric digs a grave in the earth and helps her into it before joining her (shirtless, naturally). “Is it going to hurt?” She whimpers. “Not the way I do it,” he responds before biting her, spilling blood all over her white nightgown. He then uses her crucifix to open his own neck and has her drink from him. FINALLY, TRUE BLOOD! Only took you, like six years to get to this classic dangerous, Dracula-y, sexy, sacrilegious vampire stuff. 

Jeez, way to make a guy wait for it, you know?

The next day, Sam and Nicole are patching up Nicole and breaking the bad news that her Vampire Unity group was killed. By Werewolves. There’s a joke in there, but I’m not sure exactly where it is. Nicole tries to leave town, but Sam points out that’s ridiculously stupid given that there’s a whole pack of werewolves on her tail that can follow her anywhere.

Sookie finds Ben at his hotel (shirtless, naturally). She offers to fix him supper for his trouble, but it’s totally not a date. Actually, it’s probably totally not since Sookie has uncharacteristically seemed to figure out that Ben’s not being totally upfront here.

Jason finds Grandpa at the kitchen table and decides to “coyly” ask about his sexytime dream. Grandpa immediately knows what’s going on, amusedly noting that Ben is “a handsome fella.” It could all be a good opportunity for a Bon Temps It Gets Better video, when it occurs to Grandpa that if a vampire could turn a Fey, the end result could be a vampire who can be out in the sun. Grandpa and Jason find Ben in his hotel room about to get into the shower (he apparently put a shirt on after talking to Sookie, however quickly takes it off, naturally) and move in for the kill. They try to ambush him in the shower, but Ben is already behind them, taking Grandpa out with a light blast and glamoring Jason into believing that they never found him, and suddenly speaking in an English accent. Jason is sent to the car, leaving Grandpa with Ben who feeds on him.

Andy Bellefeur is going nuts looking for his missing daughters and wants to put out an APB on “four Caucasian girls between 4 and 7 feet tall, 60 and 260lbs. and the ages of 10 and 50.” Arlene and Terry correctly point out that they’re probably just being teenagers and his reactions are exactly what parents go through. They’re not wrong, but, as usual, they’re so not right at the same time.

Sookie has set the table all nice and Southern-like, however like a true Southern Gothic novel character, she’s got a bottle of liquid silver poison next to her recipe box.  Upstairs she makes herself pretty (shirtless, naturally. Hey, everyone gets a little sumthin’ sumthin’ in this episode).

"Let me show you how a shirtless scene is done, boys."

In the lab, the Professor has figured out that the girl’s blood is highly unstable and will turn into regular human blood once outside of the girl’s bodies. The Professor refuses to work as long as Bill is holding anyone else hostage, but Bill’s not hearing it, throwing the Prof to the ceiling with his brain.

Willa, meanwhile, has awoken and is feeding off a young man until Eric tears her away, handing the young man some money as “short notice hazard pay.” Willa wants to either hunt or have sex, but Eric sends her home to her father. Eric tells her that in 1000 years, she’s only the second vampire he’s ever made and it wasn’t done lightly – if her father can see that vampires were once human and aren’t something to be hunted, it will be worth it. Have to say, I can’t see this going the way he thinks it’s going to.

Pam and Tara are trying to find an underground speakeasy for a willing human meal and fighting about Willa. Tara is pissed at Pam’s “This is war” attitude and runs away just as Pam is shot by an approaching Army guard and taken captive.

In the Governor’s mansion, Sarah Newlin is trying to distract the Governor from his missing daughter. Sarah, it seems, has embraced the mistress-y parts of modern politics. Just then, Willa arrives, and tells her father he has to stop persecuting “us vampires” and if he still loves her, he will call off his plans. “This is my daughter” he says, seemingly willing to agree. Too bad he’s still got that wound from earlier, leaking fresh blood which just sets Willa off. Thankfully, Sarah’s there to shoot Willa down like a dog. “You’ve got to send her to the camp,” Sarah tells the Gov.

On the bridge, Ben is feeding Grandpa his blood when Grandpa makes the connection that Ben is Warlow. Ben tells Grandpa that what made him spare Grandpa all those years ago was the struggle that he feels between his own dark and light impulses before opening the portal that he came through and tossing Grandpa into it.

Sam and Nicole hide out in a hotel room as Nicole has serious survivor guilt over being the last hipster standing and Sam is just now thinking about how Luna died in his arms. Well, this is a good time to make out, right?

Sookie is about to give up on Ben having stood her up when he shows up at the door with flowers. She serves him the plate of silver-infused chicken which he eats with gusto, confounding Sookie.

At Bill’s house, the girls are getting restless and ready to go and no amount of Jessica’s dress up clothes is going to keep them here. Jessica suddenly looses control and lunges at one of them, biting her neck. 

"None of you even have names. I'm just going my part to clean up the character roster."

Andy and Jason, meanwhile, have found Andy’s abandoned cruiser and the cashier who can’t recall the girls ever coming by. Jason says that its possible he was glamoured “or he might just be an idiot.” Right on both counts, Jason. Jason lets slip that faeries are catnip to vampires, sending Andy running for his car.

At Bill’s house, Jessica has fallen off the wagon in a major way. Like, in a “sorry I ate all of the Sheriff’s daughters, but at least we’ve resolved this aging plotline before they got to middle age” kind of way. Bill finds her sobbing over their bloody bodies, praying that they’re not dead.

Sookie and Ben are getting friendly on the couch. This being Sookie and Ben being a vampire, “friendly” means going from a kiss to straddling and unzipping within literally seconds. (I never have dates like this.) The shirts come off one last time (naturally) and Ben is about to get lucky when Sookie whispers all soft and sexy-like into his ear, “You can get the fuck off me now, Warlow.” We see she’s got her Faerie Nuclear Light Bomb ready to go in her hand as we cut to black.

"The writers never give me moments of awesome. Don't take this from me, Jerk."

A Comedy Tonight!

Recap of this week's True Blood’s episode “You’re No Good." Despite the overly serious nature of the last two episodes, we finally got some time to (intentionally) bring the funny in this one. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric abducts Willa, the daughter of the Governor and learns that the Gov has been building a concentration camp for vampires, the newest addition to which is a captured Steve Newlin. Alcide is torn between protecting the pack and Emma’s obvious fear and desire to be returned to Sam. Andy Bellefleur tries to make nice with waitress Holly. Bill’s new powers don’t extend to keeping him safe in the sun, so he tries to force Sookie to give him some of her blood to save everyone, possibly irreparably damaging their relationship forever. Jason falls mysteriously ill just as Ben and Grandpa try to help Sookie defend herself against Warlow.

Recap:

Eric is making with the sexy gesturing on the Governor’s daughter, Willa. It’s all very cheesy 1990s porn-y, honestly, with Eric saying things like, “Are you daddy’s little girl?” to her. The point being, if he kills her, will it mess up the Governor in a royally craptastic way. (One assumes “yes”.) Willa manages to tell Eric just before the biting and draining begins about her father's “experiments.” This is news to Eric. Armed guards burst down the door to Willa’s bedroom, but Eric and Willa are already gone through the open window.

Sookie is practicing her faerie lights unaware that something is watching her from outside her house. Again, how the hell have faeries survived all this time? Any other prey in the animal kingdom at least had the good sense to evolve side-facing eyes in order to avoid predators. Thankfully, Grandpa is a bit better in tune and feels something approaching. He begins to pursue, but when Jason, who’s suddenly feeling ill, collapses outside and Sookie leaves the house to help him, Grandpa is forced to teleport them all back inside. Sookie says she’s so used to danger she doesn’t get scared until the “shit starts to really hit the fan.” 

“Inter-dimensional ancient vampire with a hate on for your blood? That’s pretty much as shit-and-fan as you get, sister.”

Eric brings Willa to Fangtasia. Which is to say, he’s kidnapped the Governor’s daughter and brought her to an illegal vampire business that the Governor is expressly trying to shut down. Tara sums it up nicely with an “aw hell no you di’en.” Eric orders Pam and Tara to pack what they need while he glamours the hell out of Willa, but before he can do anything Willa turns that tables and offers to help, saying she doesn’t approve of her father’s politics. Apparently the Gov has been using state funds to build a vampire concentration camp, but she doesn’t know where. Pam wants Willa killed out of retribution, but Eric’s says the world is changing and she’s their only bargaining chip. Well, her and, you know, super powers.

Meanwhile, at the Vampire Concentration Camp, guards drag a hooded man into a lab and strap him down – it’s Steve Newlin! Remember him? The rabidly Christian anti-vampire preacher who last season got turned into a vampire and in the process also became uber gay? Poor guy’s fallen on harder times it seems. The lab scientist does his best Goebbels impression and orders the guards to get Newlin ready.

Sam and Lafayette are coming to in Sam’s living room – Nicole and her boyfriend Jesse brought them in after the werewolf fight was over. Lafayette kicks them and their overly PC asses out with a bottle of whiskey and awesomeness, but Nicole manages to get an apology out to Sam before leaving. Yup, it’s new love interest season and no existing boyfriend is safe. Sam wants to get Emma, but Lafayette points out that he can’t possibly do it along since his schemes usually end up with him being captured. “So I’m telling you, I is in, and I want to know what’s the muthafuckin’ plan, boyfriend?”

Lafayette is awesome ALWAYS.

Eric shows up at Ginger’s house (she’s the tweaked out barmaid at Fangtasia who’s perpetually hot for Eric and perpetually confused from how many times Pam has had to glamour her) and gets her to invite him in on the pretext of having sex so he can hide Willa and hide from the sun that’s going to rise soon. Classic comedy of errors with many times the front door slamming only to be stopped by Pam then Tara. It’s classic comedy, people.

Jessica, meanwhile, is trying to clarify Bill’s “everyone’s going to burn” comment since, you know, details on such a prediction could potentially be important since she’s one of everyone, but Bill doesn’t know the whys or wherefores. Because his vision is a gift from Lilith he thinks he can survive during the day. As the sun comes up, Jessica tries to talk him into coming inside, terrified that he’ll burn, but Bill sends her inside to safety and waits for the sun in his front yard. It…doesn’t go well. Bill instantly ignites in flames and runs burning into the house. “I don’t understand…” he weeps as Jessica holds him.

"I believe I'm a God and so I want to take a potentially fatal risk. When has that ever gone wrong?"

Grandpa arrives at the faerie sanctuary/club to find it deserted and bloody. He uses his faerie light whatchamahoozle powers to see into the recent past and all the faerie Go-Go dancers that lived there scattered as something entered the club and killed them. That’s when he finds the one faerie left alive, who confirms that it was a vampire that got in somehow and asks Grandpa to send him home – which apparently involves disintegrating him into a pile of dust. Hail and farewell, you brave Go-Go dancing faerie boy.

Jason is still feeling miserable back at the house. Sookie wants to take him to the hospital, but he insists he’s getting better now that the hallucinations are gone, which Sookie had no idea about. “You didn’t wonder why I’ve been acting all crazy and more racist than usual?” he asks her. Fair point, Jason. He tells Sookie that it was because he’s been seeing their parents encouraging him, which he doesn’t understand given how nice they were in life. Sookie points out that when we lose people, sometimes we only remember the good and become blind to their faults, reminding Jason that their mother was scared of her for Sookie’s entire life. The entire scene is actually really sweet and I honestly love Sookie/Jason scenes for how well the way they capture how adult siblings act with each other.

At the Sheriff’s office, Andy Bellefleur and his deputy are unpacking their new anti-vampire provisions supplied by the Louisiana state government when Holly the waitress and sometimes paramour arrives wanting to know if Andy’s going to enforce the Governor’s vampire curfew. Behind her are Andy’s now tween-aged quadruplets, who have evolved quickly to like tracksuits and Justin Beiber. Holly, being there for the girls’ birth two days ago is…nonplussed to say the least. “Do they have names?” she asks. “ Right now I’m just using numbers,” Andy replies.

"There's literally nothing about the concept of good parenting that makes it through to you, is there?"

Meanwhile, two officers have arrived at Martha’s house looking for Emma, who is stashed in the back. Alcide and Ricki (one of the two indistinguishable were-bitches, just using her words) say they haven’t seen her and can’t help, but the cops insist on seeing Martha. Ricki fetches Martha to distract the cops and then turns on Emma, forcibly demanding that she shift into wolf form, despite her terror at being there. Outside the cops aren’t buying anyone’s story and insist that they be let in, since the Gov’s new orders give them vast latitude on search and seizure. Because Governors can overrule federal law as well as constitutionally protected rights with an executive order, but whatevs reality. Upon entering, they find Ricki holding a small puppy and leave. Ricki gains a little sympathy from me when she points out to Alcide and Martha that if the cops learn that they’re all werewolves than it’s only a matter of time before everything that they’re doing to the vampires is done to them too. Grumble, grumble, character depth, grrr…

Andy, Holly and the girls have taken to the woods so that Andy can teach Holly how to shoot a gun in case she needs to protect herself. When Holly can’t manage to hit any of the targets, the girls begin taking potshots of their own. “Dammit, girls! How many times do I have to tell you? Hand lasers off!” Andy yells. When Holly finally manages to hit a target, Andy confesses that he still has feelings for her and knows she’s mad that he, you know, knocked up a faerie a few weeks ago. Holly tries to sound unimpressed until one of the girls says, “Do you want to know what she’s thinking?” “Shut up, Number Three,” Holly yells back.

In less funny situations, Willa is stuck sitting in a hole in the ground with Eric all day trying to talk to him when all he wants to do is sleep. Willa says the reason the Gov hates vampires is because her mother was cheating on him with a vampire. So Mom was a fangbanger and, turns out, Willa is too! (Naturally – we’ve gone almost two episodes without a sex scene.) Willa tries to taste Eric’s blood from a scratch on his face, but he won’t let her. No sex for you, Willa!

"If I wanted to not have sex, I wouldn't have dumped that Pattinson guy."

Ben apparently never made it to the faerie club/abattoir because he’s still wandering the forest almost 24 hours after Sookie left him. Bad writing, or a plot point? Time will tell. Anyway, he spots Grandpa leaving the field where the sanctuary is hidden and recognizes him as the King of the Fey. Grandpa gives him the 411 on Warlow and recruits him to help once Ben hears that Grandpa is related to Sookie.

At the Vampire Concentration Camp lab, a visitor is here to see Steve – it’s his ex-wife Sarah, who we last saw co-leading the Fellowship of the Sun with him before she had extra-marital sex with Jason and he left her to be a gay vampire. Modern marriage, you know? Anyway, Steve thinks Sarah’s here to save him, which judging by her significantly greater amount of makeup and hairstyling, is not going to happen. They argue about who left who, who run away with who’s money, who decided to write a best-selling tell-all book about the whole deal. Again, the usual for a recently-divorced Christian celebrity power couple. Sarah tells him the Camp is a legally-sanctioned facility for eradicating the vampire race. After all, she tells him, “if you really want to go God’s work, you have to be in politics.”

"Is there possibly a vampire version of the Appalachian Trial you could hike? That would really help my congressional ambitions." 

That night, Bill awakes healed and asks Jessica to find a professor at the university, the one who originally created True Blood and bring him, but he advises her to wear something “inappropriate.” Oh Jesus, True Blood. This was all just an excuse to get Jessica in a schoolgirl outfit wasn’t it?

Spoiler alert: Yes.

Jessica joins the Good Dr. Jailbait’s lecture, Charlie’s Angels style, and immediately catches his attention. After the lecture Jessica lays it on thick, telling him that she just switched her major to organic chemistry and needs a little “private tutoring” to catch up. Dr. Pedophile suggests tonight, perhaps? “Oh, it has to be tonight,” Jess vamps. (Pun!) Bill, meanwhile, shows up at Sookie’s door and asks for her help to prevent the vision he saw. Sookie refuses to invite him in, but Bill somehow is able to enter without the invitation. He tells Sookie he needs her blood for Dr. Sleezy to synthesize so he can save Eric, Pam, Jessica and Tara from his vision and he’ll take her with her or against her will. Sookie says if he ever loved her, he’d leave and not ask for her blood again. Bill angrily tells her that she’s practically dead to him now. “I’m good with that,” she responds, albeit a little sadly.

Nicole, Jesse and the other hipster activists are trying to get covert video of the werewolves turning, so they approach Alcide and the others asking to talk to them. In retrospect, approaching werewolves with a name like the Vampire Unity Society was not a smart idea, and the pack gets restless quickly, starting with Ricki who wolfs out and charges. A few blood splatters later and Nicole is the only member left alive. She flees for the hills pursued by the wolves, which is when the owl that has been watching them for a while turns into Sam, who runs into the house to rescue Emma.

At Ginger’s house, the Governor is on the line. Literally. He’s called Eric’s cell phone. Ginger rouses the vamps who keep Willa quiet while Eric talks. The Gov tries to trace the call while they talk (ATTN: Hollywood – do you not know how caller ID works?), locating them. Eric uses Ginger to keep the line open while chasing after Willa whom Tara has fled with.

Grandpa brings Ben to Sookie’s house, just in time for Sookie’s emotional break with Bill. He tells them about what he found, including how many of Sookie’s faerie friends are now dead. Ben tries to make nice with Sookie, asking if he can help clean the damage to the kitchen from Bill’s temper tantrum. She softens a bit and notices that she can feel it when Ben listens in on her thoughts, but not when other Fey do. Grandpa senses that Warlow is back outside the house. Grandpa and Ben head outside and trap something, but it turns out to be Nora. Just then, Jason collapses inside the house, allowing Nora to get away.

Andy catches Bill outside after curfew, but Bill persuades him to let him go home. In the process, Bill notices that Andy suddenly has a whole batch of new half-faerie children floating about. Well, isn’t that a development for someone who’s looking for faerie blood…

Vampires and Existentialism

Hello, Fangbaners! Welcome to season six of True Blood. In case you’re new to the show and want a summary of what’s gone before, here’s my write up. Fair warning, from here on out I’m either going to assume that you’ve been watching the show and don’t need to be caught up on five years of history or you just don’t care. Do join me!

TL;DR: Bill returns as something halfway vampire, halfway other and destroys what’s left of the Vampire Authority (and that stupid plotline) but still doesn't know what he is now.  Tara hearts Pam. Pam says she doesn’t heart Tara. Both are probably wrong.  Alcide becomes Packmaster and has his pick of the ladies. The Governor of Louisiana cracks down on vampires, but maybe definitely has a secret agenda. Eric gives Sookie back her home and searches for an answer to how Bill is connected to Warlow, the vampire that killed Sookie and Jason’s parents. Sookie swears for the umpeenth time that she just wants a normal life.

We pick right up where we left off with naked, bloody Bilith, the unholy union of Bill and Lilith, the first vampire, rising from his own pile of deconstituted goo to a terrified Eric and Sookie. This is all done “Bill Cam” style, btw. Eric and Sookie run away through the headquarters of the Vampire Ministry of Exposition but can’t get out before Bilith shuts down the power.  Things are looking dire as Bill-Cam speeds through the building looking for our other heroes, Pam, Tara, Jessica, Jason and Nora. Jason talks tough about his accuracy shooting the mean vampires coming at them with wooden bullets, saying he’s had a lot of practice “killing your kind” until Nora reminds him that she’s, oh, about two thousand years older than he is and she’s had a bit more practice killing his, so maybe lets just stop measuring our dicks and get out of the evil death trap building, okay? Nora gets the ragtag team out just as Sookie and Eric commandeer a sweet SUV. As they start to speed away, Bilith emerges from the flames of the destroyed Vampire Ministry of Religious Overzealousness before flying, still naked and bloody, off into the sky.

"But Mommy, why was that naked bloody man so angry?" "Because drugs, Sweetie."

The gang speeds away, hopefully not with Bill following them like, as Jason says it, “a naked, evil Superman.” Fortuitously, just at that time, Vampire NPR is carrying a live press conference on the radio from the governor of Louisiana (New character! Because we didn’t have enough!) announcing that he’s not life-ist or anything, but this “vamper” menace has got to stop and even though they’re “citizens” or whatever, he’s instituting a state-wide vampire curfew and recommending that everyone in the state buy a gun. I don’t know which I love more – that he’s announcing in an outdoor press conference at night instead of during the daylight that the state of Louisiana will no longer tolerate vampires or that when fleeing for their lives, the radio station of choice for Eric and Sookie is talk radio. Anyway, Jason is pretty thrilled with the Gov’s hardline take, leading to the entire car giving Jason his first “SHUT UP, JASON” of this season.

Eric pulls the car over to talk to Nora privately about whether or not there’s anything in the Vampire Bible about Lilith being resurrected into a modern body, but Nora says there’s nothing in this, but clearly Bill needs to be destroyed. Jessica is not pleased with the suggestion and vamps away. Pam meanwhile pouts on the beach (actual line: “I hate the beach. Fish piss and sand in your cooch.”) about Eric not ever telling her about Nora, leading Tara to try to comfort her. Oh Tara. You stopped dating men because you kept picking the bad ones who were emotionally unavailable and/or literal monsters. Good to see your patterns are the same now that you’re into chicks.

On another part of the beach, Jessica and Sookie bond over the fact that they both still love Bill, albeit in different ways, and they’re both afraid of what he’s become. Sookie says they need to let him go and that Jessica will never be alone as long as she’s around.

Literally the only two women on this show who have not yet made out with each other.

Nora decides to glamour Jason to learn more about Warlow, the vampire of mystery that we learned last season is the one who murdered Jason and Sookie’s parents and who is mentioned in the Vampire Bible as being progeny of Lilith. Glamouring Jason is not a smart idea though, because when he comes out of it and realizes what Nora has done he’s just more pissed off.  Jason threatens to shoot both Nora and Tara until Sookie steps between them, forcing Jason to run off, referring to Sookie as dead to him for sticking up for vampires.

Just then, Jessica is suddenly “summoned” by Bill. Jessica feels a powerful urge to go to his side and when Eric tries to stop her, she immediately begins to vomit blood all over him. (Eric, dryly: “Lovely.”) Sookie convinces Eric to let her take Jessica to Bill, despite the danger, because its clearly tearing Jessica apart. Eric and Nora sly off leving Pam and Tara to manage for themselves.

Meanwhile, on National Geographic: Earth the werewolf camp, the wolves are pulling apart their former Packmaster and bringing Alcide the severed human arm for him to eat, which he must do if he wants to become Packmaster. Alcide looks a little non-plussed about it, but what they hey – at least it’s not a full horse heart. Also, because he’s now Packmaster, there are a line of sexy weregirls who are “proud to serve” him. The wolves all decide to go for a frisky naked run through the forest, because apparently that’s just what you do on a Tuesday night.

At the Bellefleur home, Andy is still understandably freaked out about suddenly being the father to four newborn half-faerie babies after knocking up that faerie girl in the woods only, like, a week ago. Awesome waitress Arlene lays down the law and tells him to face up to his responsibilities. Andy is terrified because he doesn’t know how to care for one baby, much less four. Arlene softens a bit and tells him that every good parent is freaked out, now get in here and help but these diapers on. Arlene's right, although in Andy’s defense at least most parents have, like, a few months to think about the consequences of their sexy hookup in a field with a mysterious vanishing hot girl.

What to expect when you're expecting half faerie monster babies.

Elsewhere, a mortally-wounded Luna (don’t remember her? Don’t worry, she’s not around long) manages to get literally three lines in before dying, asking Sam to care for her daughter. Sam agrees and makes off with little Whatshername, taking her to Merlott’s. He thinks he hears someone in the darkness, but it’s just Lafayette, “holding down the fort.” “You mean drinking all my tequila,” Sam accuses. “Sobering up on the floor. Hell, drunk driving kills,” Lafayette responds, proving yet again why he’s awesome. Little Whatshername confesses sadly that her mom is dead and she’s hungry. Lafayette offers her “something deep fried, dipped in sugar and then deep fried all over again.”

Jason is making his way back to town in the dark when a car rambled by and offers him a ride. Who is driving? It’s Rutger Hauer, boys and girls! Gee, no way he’s going to turn out to not be Warlow someone important. To Jason’s credit, he at least realizes that this guy is a little off for not being freaked out by Jason being covered in blood and keeps his gun at the ready.

At La Casa de Bill, Jessica is being pulled inside. Sookie manages to grab a stick that she fashions into a stake just in case. They make their way to the upstairs verandah (this is Louisana. Of course there’s a verandah.) to find an utterly normal looking Bill sitting waiting for them who “just wants to talk.” Eric and Nora attempt a sneak attack, but Bill is much faster then them, even pulling out the stake that Sookie manages to plunge directly into his heart. Bill tells them that he’s not sure what he is, but he’s more than he ever was. Sookie insists that he’s not Bill, saying she felt him die. Sookie wants Bill to leave Bon Temps forever, but Jessica stands up for her Maker, telling the others to leave and that Bill can stay as long as he wants and the rest of them need to leave.

In new plot development time, the Governor meets with a representative of the True Blood production company at an abandoned bottling plant. The Governor wants to “bail out” the company by giving them the bottling plant free to start making True Blood again. Despite his political blustering, he claims to be interested solely in restoring the peace, which can be done with vampires back to having their True Blood and back to paying taxes like regular people. He referrs to himself as not “the new Big Bad” (ha! Joss Whedon humor!) and strikes a deal.

He's a politician, so it's possible his as-yet unrevealed superpower is lying.

In the woods, Alcide and one of the nameless naked werewolf ladies have sex when they are interrupted by Alcide’s other naked werewolf lady who’s kind into threeways, it turns out. She’s okay with Alcide doing what he has to go because she’s very GGG, but tells him to never for get that she’s his “number one bitch.” This, btw, is going to be your only sexy naked actors and actresses scene this episode, so enjoy it, people.

"Oh Yeah. It's good to be the Packmaster."

At Fangtasia, Tara tries to emo Pam into admitting that she actually has feelings and maybe some of those are for Tara herself. Pam lays it all out there, though and tells Tara that this isn’t going to be one of those lay in the meadow and gaze into each other’s eyes while admiring their sculpted marble bodies and not having sex before marriage kind of vampire love stories.

It kind of kills me that my browser history is going to have this image in it now.

Aaaand that’s when the National Guard arrives to shut down Fangtasia on Executive Order of the Governor to shut down all vampire-run businesses. Tara tries to defend her woman and gets shot by the guard for her trouble, causing actual distress in Pam and possibly undoing her own argument.

Eric escorts Sookie home, marveling that she would stake Bill to save him, a far cry from where the two of them were at the start of this whole series. Eric is feeling gracious and offers to return the lease to Sookie’s house back to her, removing his rights to it and restoring it to her. Sookie is genuinely touched and tells him that she wants her life back and for things to be the way they were. Which is why she’s taking back his invitation to her house, which is supposed to be sad but leads to a really cheesy effect that involves Eric looking like he’s been placed on a conveyer belt and carted out the door for bottling by either Laverne or Shirley. Outside the house, Eric tells Nora that Sookie stays out of this going forward. Nora isn’t convinced, to say the least.

"Schlemeel, Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated..."

At the Bellfluer house, the little half fairy babies have literally grown into toddlers in just hours. Jesus, poor Andy isn’t goint to even have time to get to the bank to even start a college fund for these girls before they’re ready for senior year.

At Bill’s house, he tucks Jessica into bed inadvertently revealing some new abilities like stopping a glass of True Blood from spilling with his mind. Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t know what he is or what’s happened, but he needs her as his progeny to help keep him from going all “power corrupts”. It’s a really sweet scene, with the father/daughter dynamic that they have, but it does lead one to ask why in the world would a vampire go to bed when it’s dark out?

On the road, Jason is still driving with NotWarlow, complaining about Sookie and about how lately Jason’s been seeing his parents more frequently. Sure enough, the ghosts/visions/hallucinations whatever they are to Jason are, in fact, sitting in the backseat. “They’ve gotten kinda racist and scary since they went to Heaven,” Jason confesses. NotWarlow tells Jason he’s never going to be able to keep him, who is TOTES WARLOW OMG from Sookie, surprising no one but Jason before vanishing out of the car.

In her house, the fairy/vampire contract beside Sookie’s bed begins to glow. In Bill’s house, Bill begins to hallucinate lashings against his skin and hears his name called, leading him to his study. In the study is Lilith, who suddenly rushes at Bill, entering into him.

That’s the end of the first episode, which by True Blood standards actually kinda dialed back the wacky a bit. Maybe because they had so much plot to get through or maybe because Alan Ball is now off the show, but here’s hoping they keep it up. I pay good money for the crazy and I don’t care what people think.

Word.

Love Sucks

Friends, Romans, Fangbangers – lend me your ears. The sixth season premier of HBO’s wacky vampire love story, True Blood, is this weekend and given the show’s penchant for outrageous storylines and ridiculous character decisions, I am totally going to be recapping this bitch for your reading pleasure. But what of those of you who have not seen any True Blood and are wary of jumping into recaps in year six of a show? Fear not! I’m here to give you a brief rundown on the major players and themes.

Hey - I wonder if there's a double-meaning in that...

True Blood is set in the small town of Bon Temps, Louisiana in a world where, just prior to the start of the series, vampires have revealed themselves to be real and for the most part joined civilized society. The discovery of a synthetic blood substitute called True Blood, has made feeding off humans passé since it’s now easier for vampires to just pick up a six-pack of the stuff and call it an evening than slaughter a family in their sleep and have to relocate every few years before the locals start to get suspicious. Of course, if vampires are real one has to wonder what other supernatural forces might be out there, and oh boy do we find out.

As a sidebar, even if this doesn’t sound interesting to you, you owe it to yourself to at least watch the main titles. They’re seriously amazing and have won awards for how well they are made while at the same time capturing the look and feel of the entire show. 

Go ahead and watch. I’ll wait.

But who are the characters for us to hang our narrative hats on? Roll Call! Our “hero” is Sookie Stackhouse, played by Anna Paquin at her breast-y-est. Sookie is waitress at a local diner who can read minds and occasionally demonstrates other weird abilities that are initially unexplained. Sookie gets wrapped up into all the supernatural nonsense when she begins dating Bill, a 170-year-old vampire. Sookie’s twin brother, Jason, is the town’s resident poon-hound and all around dim, but lovable, bulb, like a Louisiana version of Ryan Lochte. Tara, Sookie’s best friend is the smartass skeptical one, while Tara’s cousin, Lafayette, is the town’s resident cook and fabulous gay man. Eric is the region’s “Sheriff” (kind of like a vampire middle-manager) and with his companion, the seriously amazing Pam, he runs a vampire bondage bar, because even in this world just being a badass vampire isn’t enough to pay the bills. Rounding out the supernatural cast is Baby Vamp Jessica, werewolf Alcide and a menagerie of ethereal, yet still kind of rape-y, fairies. Yes, really. Sookie, Tara and Lafayette all work for Sam, the owner of Merlotte’s Bar, though with all their vampire/werewolf/shapeshifter/fairy shenanigans, it’s rare that all of them actually show up to their shifts at the same time or at all.

Monsters, pictured in a rare moment of lighthearted bonhomie that doesn't involve viscera.

The wide variety of characters and the frankly ridiculous plotting is part of what makes the show, for me at least, stupidly watchable. It’s a train-wreck, much in the same way that the first season of American Horror Story was, but it’s so much frickin’ fun that you can get past the insanity and just enjoy the bloody, soapy good time. The stories are melodramatic, but enjoyable. The sex is hot and plentiful. (Seriously, how did swamp trash get so good-looking?) The show doesn’t believe it’s anything more than it is – a modern day Dark Shadows, albeit one given a much more significant budget, the pedigree of Oscar-winning actors and producers and a cable network that’s very willing to allow the show to indulge its adult desires with relation to sex, drugs and violence.

And to be honest, True Blood was never a show built on restraint – the opening scene of the first episode is a man getting a handjob from his girlfriend while they’re driving because she’s bored. The show clearly believes that if there are more than two scenes that pass without someone getting splattered in blood or being naked, the writers just aren’t trying hard enough. Meanwhile the metaphors are anything but restrained; vampires are referred to as having “come out of the coffin” and conservative religious groups protest the proposed Vampire Rights Amendment with signs that say “God Hates Fangs”. Vampire bars are depicted in the same cautiously naughty light as gay bars were in the 1970s – not hidden exactly, but not a place that anyone who wasn’t “like that” went. What saves the show from being completely offensive is, actually, this over-the-top sense of drawing comparisons. Because the show isn’t hiding its comparisons of vampires as a sexual minority, it avoids the uncomfortable implication that previous movies have made that all gay people are predators and murderers. “We’re here, we’re undead, get used to it” may as well be the show’s tagline.

So where does this put us for the season six premier? Spoilers Ahead!

To recap briefly over five years, Sookie and Bill met shortly after the Great Unveiling that told the world that vampires exist and that they just want to be treated like everyone else. Things could have gone okay, even for the sleepy southern town of Bon Temps, LA, with having an “out” vampire in their town until a series of murders occurred that naturally everyone thought Bill was committing. Sookie and Bill catch the real killer (it was Jason’s utterly human co-worker) and in the process learn that Sam is a shapeshifter and that there is a vampire hierarchy that must be obeyed at all costs. Season two brings us both a maenad named Maryann who almost destroys the town with drunken debauchery (of course that’s how it would happen on this show) while a religious group called The Fellowship of the Sun forms to combat the tolerance that the world is beginning to show for vampires. Think of them as the Westboro Baptist Church, except for the fact that, as we see, not all vampires are very fluffy, so maybe they actually have a point.

Not like you need me to tell you this, but their sunny optimism clearly indicates that they're evil. 

Season three brings us werewolves for the first time along with the story of a Vampire King who rules over Louisiana and enjoys causing a particularly destructive form of mischief. The season ends with Sookie learning that her strange abilities are the result of her being part fairy. Season four sees a coven of witches setting up shop in Bon Temps, introducing magic more thoroughly into the story line and setting up the vampires and the fairies as natural enemies of each other because vampires who feed from fairies can survive in the sunlight.

Season five delved deeper into the vampire community’s social structure, giving us The Authority, a sort of Ministry of Funny Walks for vampires only with less funny walking and a lot more purified blood sacrifice. The Authority is experiencing a schism in the vampire world between vampires that want to integrate with humans and pay taxes and play with puppies without eating them afterwards and those vampires that really, really miss the eating puppy parts of life and would just like to get back to slaughtering humans like the good old days in the Middle Ages. The season ends with Bill drinking from a vial of sacred blood that supposedly comes from Lilith, the first vampire. Bill “dies” and is reborn as a naked blood-coated demi-god who turns and advances on Sookie and Eric before the two can run away.

Thus, we begin season six wondering what, exactly, is Bill now that he’s met “the true death” and been reborn as some kind of new entity? How will The Authority’s corruption spill over into the already fractured relationships between humans and vampires? Will the Fellowship of the Sun swing opinion to their side, in which case the more loveable vamps (NEVER LEAVE US, JESSICA!) could be in danger? For God’s sake, how quickly can we get to the bloody sexy times? Starting this weekend, we’ll start to see.

MOAR PAM! MOAR!!

True Blood airs starting this Sunday, June 16, on HBO. 

Catching up with Teen Wolf

Did you miss out on the first two seasons of Teen Wolf? Never fear! Guest-poster Annie is here to fill you in on all the happenings on this MTV series....which, based on her summary, sounds like it falls in the "so bad it's awesomely good" category. I think I may have to check this one out!

Here's the thing: many people will tell you that MTV's Teen Wolf, which is premiering its third season on Monday June 3, is about one teen, Scott McCall, who is turned into a werewolf and must deal with the new changes and secrets in his life.

It's not.

It's about Stiles Stilinski. I mean, sure, Stiles is technically the sidekick character, the goofy, human best friend that nobody takes seriously, the one who exists to provide comic relief amidst all the werewolf-y angst and violence. In reality, Stiles is the true hero of the show and it's just taking some time for creator Jeff Davis (not actually the reanimated corpse of Confederacy President Jefferson Davis) and the other writers to figure it out, but I have faith that they will, and when they do they will rename the show to Stiles Stilinski and his Werewolf Pals.

Okay, you know what? I do love me some Stiles but I think I'm making myself want to barf with my adoration. So, setting the fangirl goggles aside, here's what you need to know about seasons one and two of Teen Wolf before season three starts:  

Season one: It all starts when sweet but dumb Scott gets bitten by a werewolf. Well, technically it all starts when most of the Hale family gets burned alive by a crazy werewolf hunter several years previously, but we'll get back to that in a bit. So, Scott gets bitten, becomes a werewolf, furry angst yadda yadda yadda. He and his best friend Stiles, who is awesome, think Derek Hale, who is hot like burning but a complete failure at everything, ever, is 1) a werewolf, 2) the werewolf who bit Scott, and 3) killed a lady who was found ripped in half in the woods. Also, the Argent family moves to Beacon Hills, which is where all this action takes place, and Argent is French for silver so we all know where this is going, right?

Spoiler alert: they're werewolf hunters.

There's DILF Chris Argent, creepy mom Victoria Argent, and adorable teen Allison Argent, who Scott immediately falls in love with. Y'all, his computer login is "allison" and his password is "allison." This dude is besotted. Coming along a few weeks later is Kate Argent, Chris's younger sister, and she's pretty much clearly unhinged from the get-go although none of the characters notice this because they're dumb as a box of hair, especially Scott. Additional characters are popular jock dudebro Jackson, his girlfriend Lydia, who plays dumb for popularity but is a secret genius, and a bunch of other people who are varying degrees of likeable but frankly irrelevant to this quick and dirty summary.

Anyway, the season revolves around the mystery of who the dismembered lady is and who killed her. It turns out that she's Laura Hale, Derek's sister. They, along with their uncle Peter, were the only surviving members of the Hale family fire. Peter, however, was burned to a crisp and has been catatonic in a hospital ever since. OR HAS HE? Of course he hasn't. He's actually been slowly recovering physically while growing crazy mentally, and he's managed to sneak out of the hospital to murder his niece so he could steal her alpha powers. He's also the one who bit Scott.

Long story short, Peter is killed and so is Kate Argent, who was responsible for the Hale fire. She also banged Derek Hale when he was like 16 and she was in her 20s so she was a creepy pervert on top of being a creepy mass murderer. At season's end, Peter and Kate are dead, Derek is the alpha, Scott's still a werewolf, and Allison has figured out that her family's kind of nuts. Oh, and Lydia gets mauled and bitten by Peter but doesn't turn into a werewolf because she's immune, and at some point during the season Derek bit Jackson because Jackson wanted all the cool powers he noticed Scott had developed during lacrosse games. There's a lot of lacrosse on this show, y'all.  

Season two: Jackson turns into a lizard and kills a lot of people. No, seriously. But let me backtrack a bit. We pick up right at the end of season one. Scott is still having werewolf angst and he doesn't want to be in Derek's pack, so Derek decides to stalk and bite three vulnerable teenagers. I'm rather fond of Derek but he is pretty much a brooding, hairier version of Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. All I'm saying is, dude needs some friends his own age.

So Derek brings Isaac, Erica, and Boyd into his pack. You think they'd have important roles and developed characters but no, they really just take time away from the season one characters. There's also Matt, a kid at school who is a stereotypical Nice Guy with a crush on Allison. Meanwhile, Scott and Allison are pretending to be broken up but secretly dating behind Allison's parents' backs, Lydia is having weird dreams and wandering around town naked, Jackson is turning into a lizard, and Stiles is still awesome. To kick things into gear, Allison's grandpa moves to Beacon Hills and he's played by the dude who was Saul Tigh in Battlestar Galactica, so you know he's up to no good. He wants revenge for Kate's death, even though her own brother Chris is like, "Um, dad, Kate was kind of batshit crazy and murdered a bunch of innocent people, including babies." But Saul Tigh doesn't give a fuck because he's also batshit crazy.

As it turns out, Jackson is a lizard because Nice Guy Matt was nearly drowned in a pool by a bunch of jocks and somehow Matt magically created the lizard thing as a manifestation of his rage and it overrode the bite Derek gave Jackson and made Jackson turn into a lizard. It's actually called a kanima but, whatever, he's a giant lizard thing. And to be honest I don't even know if it's exactly how it went down because I don't care about Matt or Jackson. Also, somehow Saul Tigh found out about the magical rage lizard and wanted it for himself. At the end, all the good guys set aside their differences and band together to remove the lizard from Jackson's body, then stop Matt and Saul Tigh. Matt most definitely ends up dead and Saul Tigh is probably dead but we don't see a corpse so he'll probably come back because he's Saul Tigh.

And speaking of coming back, Peter's alive! His spirit possessed Lydia or something, explaining the crazy dreams and naked wandering, and he was able to use her psyche to come back to life. Or something. This show seriously makes no sense and it's not like the writing is complex. But Peter's back and he's possibly not murderous anymore but he's definitely sassy and possibly still crazy.

Speaking of Lydia, she has the worst luck. First Peter hijacks her mind to pull a Jesus Christ, then her boyfriend becomes a rage lizard, and then after her love saves him (seriously), her boyfriend becomes a werewolf. But she won't have to worry about that in season three, because Jackson's portrayer, Colton Haynes, quit Teen Wolf to go be on Arrow. However, I'm sure the writers will find many new ways to torture Lydia in season three.

Finally, after the bad guys are defeated, Scott once again tells Derek that he doesn't want to be in his pack. Also, Scott and Allison break up because Allison went briefly crazy and started torturing werewolves after her dad killed her mom because she was going to turn into a werewolf. See, Allison's mom kidnapped Scott and was bitten by Derek when Derek came to Scott's rescue. The only sane one in the Argent family is Chris Argent. And did I mention what a DILF he is? At the very end, Derek slinks home, which is his half-burned, condemned childhood house because he is a weirdo, and discovers that there's an alpha pack in town. Dun-dun-DUUUNNNNN! And now you know all you need to know before season three starts! In conclusion: STILES.