Fall Premieres Part I

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The Fall TV season is upon us and it's like Christmas morning, but with even more potential for fun and disappointment! Which of our anticipated favorites will end up being awful? What black horse series will be take us by surprise and become a new obsession?

And remember, there's also the chance that everything will be terrible. Wheeee! It's like TV show roulette!

There's a whole lot of shows and only so much typing my little delicate lady-fingers can handle, so I am going to knock these out quick and dirty for you over the next couple weeks. Sure, some things might be worthy of a full write-up, but I'm fundamentally lazy so the chances of that are kinda slim. #truthtelling

Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris: You gotta give it to him, NPH always works really hard. You can tell that he really wants to make this one succeed; he was almost manic in the premiere, with the jokes! And the stunts! And the dancing and the quipping and chatting and smiling and jumping and...man, it's exhausting just writing about it.

The producers don't want you to call it a variety show (that's been made very clear in all the pre-premiere press), but I'm not sure there's any other way to capture the essence of the show. Best Time Ever's website describes it as "a live one-hour show that is unlike any other on American television. Anything can happen on "Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris," which will feature appearances by A-list stars, stunts, comedy skits, incredible performances, mini game shows, audience giveaways and hidden camera pranks."

They're also very open with the fact that it's based on a British series called "Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway," and while I've never seen the original, I'm willing to bet it's better than the American version.  Because the first episode of Best Time Ever felt a little too rushed, a little too full, that there was never any time to breathe. NPH worked his butt off, but none of the segments got the chance to stretch their legs.

I can't decide if making the show live is a help or a hindrance; in the premiere NPH felt almost frantic and the pacing was kind of off. NPH came across more "used car salesman" rather than "comfortable show host." But the guts of the show are sound, the gags were pretty funny and/or cute and/or clever, and I think with time when everyone settles into it there really could be something here. Though it's unlikely it may get the chance based on the premiere ratings. Still, if you're looking for something family-friendly, say to watch with the parents sometime, this would be a great pick.

Honestly, the best reason to keep watching is to see what the show does with the "Little NPH" guy. He's kind of like Neil's Mini-Me. Please, God, let there be a Doogie Howser, MD, reference soon.

Best Time Ever airs Tuesday nights at 10:00PM EST on NBC.

The Bastard Executioner: Wow, this show has really thrown me for a loop. I kind of hated the first hour which felt like a total Braveheart rip-off except in Wales, and featured such gratuitous violence (especially towards women) that I almost turned the television off in disgust. The entire set up of the series was so paint-by-numbers it was kind of embarassing.

According to the press-release monkeys over at FX, The Bastard Executioner is about "Wilkin Brattle, a 14th century warrior, whose life is forever changed when a divine messenger beseeches him to lay down his sword and lead the life of another man: a journeyman executioner. Set in northern Wales during a time rife with rebellion and political upheaval, Wilkin must walk a tight rope between protecting his true identity while also serving a mysterious destiny."

So basically, this guy was a bad ass soldier fighting on the side of the English King in Wales, but gave up the sword when he saw an Angel (for real) on the battlefield. He gets married, lives the whole quiet life, until he fights back against the local Baron's tax-collectors. Of course there is retribution, and his entire village and family is killed in really horrible and awful ways, and it all goes down just as you expect. He swears vengeance and pretends to be a traveling punisher, basically a torturer and executioner for hire to infiltrate the Baron's estate. No, really.

Like I said, the first hour was pretty bad for several reasons, but then the second hour when Wilkin (ugh, that name) ends up in the Baron's castle got intriguing. Mostly due to the character of the Baroness, credited as "Baroness Lady Love Ventris" (no, really), who so far is fascinating and really well-acted by Flora Spencer-Longhurst. I've never heard of her, but I am impressed. I am really hoping that she will end up as more than just a love interest and will stick around for a couple more episodes to see where the show is going. Oh, and there was also some really interesting twists at the end of the premiere episode dealing with Katey Sagal's character (yes, THAT Katey Sagal) and excellent work from Stephen Moyer (Vampire Bill in True Blood!) that left me pseudo-hooked.

One warning though: there is some REALLY graphic violence here. So much so in fact that I was shocked this aired on regular cable--sure, it's not basic cable, it's FX, but still. This is the kind of stuff that you wouldn't even see on Game of Thrones. If that's something that bothers you a lot, you're going to want to avoid this show like the 14th century plague. But if you can handle it or even dig it, The Bastard Executioner might be up your alley.

The Bastard Executioner airs on Tuesdays at 10PM on FX.

There's a lot of RAWR on this show. 

Recapping AHS: That Voodoo That You Do

Happy (belated) Halloween, everyone! Here's the second of two recaps that I'm behind on. The first one is below.

Picture it. New Orleans. 1961. The halcyon days of America’s innocence are pretty much non-existent if you’re black and southern as a young black boy finds out when he’s chased down his street in broad daylight and lynched by four white men. Guess New Orleans has a Stand Your Ground law. Know who doesn’t take kindly to this whole Emmitt Till shit? Marie Fucking Laveau. 

"Aw no, Mama gonna do somthin' 'bout this."

After painting symbols on the floor and some drumming and some serious snake killing, Marie casts a spell. The white men, out in a field somewhere that night bemoaning the “n**gers that just keep coming” are, understandably, surprised when outside their barn hands start to come out of the ground. Hands attached to bodies. There’s snarling, growling and…wait...yes… WE HAVE ZOMBIES PEOPLE! WE HAVE FULL-ON ZOMBIES EATING THE RACIST ASSHOLES! (Including, hilariously, a long-dead Confederate Civil War soldier.) Well done, zombies.

In the modern day, we get an idea of what Spaulding, the house’s butler, likes to do in his free time, which is to play old-timey photographs and have wickedly creepy tea parties in a room full of dolls. Spaulding hears Fiona and Madison coming home and arrives in time to watch Fiona slice Madison’s throat open. Spaulding rolls Madison up into the carpet, per Fiona’s request. “I’ve always enjoyed our little talks together,” Fiona tells him. “Particularly since you lost your tongue. Makes you seem wiser, somehow.”

Just then, Fiona hears a window breaking out back and finds Queenie laying on the ground, gored through her stomach and weeping as the Minotaur rises behind her. Cut to Fiona, looking bloodied, bringing Cordelia to treat Queenie who is rapidly dying. Cordelia and Fiona argue over both of their attempts to see Marie as they try to heal Queenie using magic. Fiona fears that a war is beginning again. “I went there to show strength,” she tells Cordelia, “And you undermined me.” In Fiona’s bedroom, Delphine is terrified and confesses that Marie sent the Minotaur to kill her and that Queenie saved her. Fiona assures her that she knows and that the Minotaur isn’t coming back. How does she know?

Well, in Marie’s salon the next day, as Marie does up a neighborhood woman for free in preparation for the Mayor’s annual Halloween ball, a large box arrives delivered by “some freak who didn’t say a word.” Marie opens the box and screams, finding the Minotaur’s severed head. Oh, it is ON. Marie begins to plot when one of her compatriots tries to convince her not to begin war again, reminding her that it was Marie and Fiona’s Supreme who signed the original peace agreement in the late 60s that allowed the witches and the voodoo to coexist without fighting.

Oh, Minotaur. We hardly knew ye.

Back at the House, Kyle is still getting more out of the banging his head against the wall parts of life than anything else and Zoe is about at her wits’ end for what she’s done to him. She offers to make him some food and in the process finds a box of rat poison. You know, as you do. Figuring maybe there’s a way to Put All This Right, she mixes some into the oatmeal and then heads back upstairs to find Kyle missing and the front door wide open. Kyle is on the loose on Halloween, just as the kids are coming out for Trick or Treating. Because of course he is.

Meanwhile, Fiona is getting Delphine to help her get ready for Halloween. Delphine HILARIOUSLY has some outdated ideas about what “the end of harvest” means, including lighting the traditional bonfires and leaving out offerings to keep away demons, because people out of time are riots! Fiona, meanwhile, doesn't have the time to even deal with this shit and bring Delphine up to speed, not when she's got a holiday to celebrate. 

Werk.

Cordelia is missing her husband, Hank. Hank has told Cordelia that he is out of town on business in Baton Rouge. He’s not wrong, it’s just that business means having loud, screaming, sweaty sex with another woman that he met online in a hotel outside of town. During the naked afterglow, the two talk about Halloween and the girl wants to know what Frank was last year for Halloween. “I was a monster,” he tells her.

Subtle, guy.

Back at the house, Queenie is doing better, but there are problems. Three of them. Yes, kids – The Council has arrived, lead by Myrtle Snow who’s still “mad about Tartan.” Cordelia tells them that she’s got everything under control, the assault on Queenie was terrible but she’s doing better. Oh wait, that’s not why you’re here? Oh God. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking attempting to treat with Marie Laveau for fertility spells. Um. That’s not what you’re here for either? Basically, Cordelia sucks at playing anything close to her vest. No, the reason why the Council has arrived is because they were summoned by Nan, who believes Madison has been murdered because she can’t hear her thoughts anymore.

Judges Dowdy, Fabulous, and Dapper presiding. 

And it’s time for Witches Court! Hilariously, one of the three council actually acts as stenographer. They routinely question each of the women. Cordelia fucks it up again by basically admitting that she has no control over Madison. Zoe looks like she’s about ready to crack again. Queenie couldn’t give a shit. “If she’s dead, it’s probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a hand job or something,” she tells the Council. Nan, however, confesses that Madison was demonstrating new powers suddenly, a telling sign for a witch that is starting to become more powerful.

Back at the Hotel, Frank and the girl talk after their marathoning sex. She’s sweet, although clearly sheltered. She praises him for being “quite the world traveler, big shot USDA agent,” for having been to exotic places like San Diego. Apparently they met on a website for people who like to collect Thomas Kincaid paintings. She’s utterly smitten, praising him for not immediately asking for her nude pics. She really likes him and just asks that he doesn’t break her heart. He just smiles, holds her close, and pulls out a gun and shoots her through the head.

Back to Court! Myrtle Snow is not pleased with how Fiona has been comporting herself in her job. Fiona hasn’t been living up, not doing the things that a Supreme is supposed to do, is the only one who has been the last person to see a missing witch alive in this very house over the past 40 years, yadda yadda yadda.

To the Flashback! At the School in 1971, a young Fiona was able to convince the Council of the day that Anna-Lee went missing, possibly at the hands of Marie Laveau. The Council announces that Fiona will be the Supreme-elect after she begins the Tests of the Seven Wonders, a kind of Sorting Hat for this coven. Meanwhile, a young Myrtle is not pleased, muttering that she can’t believe Fiona is getting away with murder. As Fiona competes in the Tests, Myrtle concocts a plan – she’s noticed that young Spaulding always seems to be cleaning up after Fiona, so she enchants Spaulding’s tongue such that when the Council asks him about Fiona, he’ll have no choice but to tell the truth. Later that night, the girls all discover Spaulding in a bathroom with his tongue cut out and Fiona standing over him.

Back in 2013, Myrtle is clear that she wants Fiona to burn, calling the final witness – Spaulding. She reminds Spaulding that he’s been living under the rule of the witch who has abused him while making him brew her tea for 40 years. She tells Spaulding that he needs to only to write down the name of the witch who is responsible for severing his tongue. Spaulding calmly hands Myrtle a note – it reads “Myrtle Snow”. Turns out, back in 1971, Spaulding knew of Myrtle’s attempt to enchant him and took pre-emptive measures. Calling Fiona to the bathroom that night, he confesses that he has always loved her before cutting out his own tongue to save her.

Myrtle is… not pleased, screaming that Fiona keeps killing Supremes and getting away with it. And that’s when Cordelia drops the bomb – Madison wasn’t the next Supreme. The hallmark of a Supreme is “glowing, radiant health” and Madison had a secret heart murmur, making her ineligible.  Myrtle has been barking up the wrong proverbial tree all these years.

PWNED!

At Marie’s the spells and the drumming and the snakes are in full force yet once again as the kids take to the streets for Halloween. In a graveyard somewhere, bodies begin to rise from the ground.

Delphine is stern-talking the trick or treaters for being “street urchins” and stealing too much candy. The girls debate what’s happened to Madison and Zoe wants to go looking for her (and Kyle), but Fiona has warned them not to leave the House. Upstairs, Spaulding is back to playing his records and having his tea party, all the while getting dressed…in robes… and dresses. Oh Wait. This isn’t good. And that’s when we find out where Madison is – what’s left of her is a frozen corpse, left to attend Spaulding’s tea party while he picks out a new dress for her.

I mean, at this point, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but still. Ick. 

Somewhere in the city, Fiona and Cordelia drink in celebration and, slightly tipsy, agree to play a game where they each ask the other three questions. One of Cordelia’s questions is did Fiona kill Madison. “And no lying!” she tells her. Fiona lies straight through her teeth, saying she’s innocent and trying to get out of Cordelia who she thinks the new Supreme is. Later, Cordelia is feeling the after affects of all that alcohol and gets sick in the ladies room. As she comes out of a stall from throwing up, a figure in a hood waits for her, throwing some clear liquid into her eyes, which begins to burn Cordelia.

Back at the house, the cute boy from next door has brought over cookies, but not for Madison – they’re to thank Nan for her cake. Just then, knocking at the door. Delphine opens it to see the corpses of her three daughters joined by an entire lawn-full of zombies shambling toward the house.

And yes, that was FX just giving the middle finger all over the place to AMC.