Broadchurch will break you

So, I kind of don't know where to begin with this. Broadchurch, y'all. Easily the best eight hours of television I've seen in a while.

For those of you not on top of your BBC America summer re-airing game, Broadchurch is a self-contained series about the murder of a young boy in the small seaside town of Broadchurch, England. I was initially a little hesitant because, although it stars David Tennant's native Scottish accent* as a world-weary police investigator, it also features the death of an 11-year-old kid. As the stepmom of an 11-year-old kid, I was ... wary.

But dear Lord am I glad I tuned in. (WARNING: ALL OF THE SPOILERS AHEAD!)

Everybody Bleeds

So, this week's episode of True Blood was bloody for sure. Pretty much every character bleeds either literally or emotionally all over the place. And, I don't know, stuff happened, but man it just felt like it was a big old mess, you know? With only one more episode, there's not a lot of clarity about what happens next. We'll see next week, but in the meantime, here you go.

TL;DR: Ben's not quite dead yet, but he's going to be recuperating in that faerie land for a while. Meanwhile, Sookie and the rest of the townsfolk have to get to Terry's funeral, which is honestly heartbreaking and a bit of a real-world relief to watch next to all the supernatural soap-y-ness happening in the vampire plotline. Bill and Eric each make it to the camp to liberate the vampires, Eric through extreme violence, Bill through inoculating them so that they are invulnerable to the sun. Everyone gets high at the end.

Recap: ZOMG you guys! Ben is totes dying in Sookie’s arms and Bill is all like, whatevs – I need his blood now, whatever he’s got left kthanx. And then Sookie actually bites open her own wrist to feed Ben back to health. Remember when this show pretended to try to be sort of real and grounded? Bill wants to charge into battle but Sookie points out that Eric has more of Ben’s blood in him right now than Ben does, so good luck with that, VampireJesus, and let’s just Faerie Light you back to the real world while we stay here, what say we?

Yup. Totally grounded.

Arlene attends Terry’s funeral, black veil and all. Remember how she wanted the black preacher? Guess who’s the preacher’s wife is. It’s totally Tara’s mother, the now reformed former alcoholic who used to rip Tara apart on the daily and then claim she only did it because she had a demon in her. Again, back when the show was grounded.  Sookie, meanwhile, wants to get to this funeral but promises Ben that she’ll be back and still intends to go through with the whole eternal bride thing. She teleports right into the funeral, which you would think would have made a bigger splash, but no one really even notices except for one old biddy who refers to Sookie as “the Stackhouse girl – the weird one.”

Sookie takes her place with the other mourners and happens to be seated next to Mrs. Fortenberry, mother of Hoyt, everyone’s favorite Woobie character who we had to write off the show last year. Hoyt’s doing well since leaving town for Alaska, got a girlfriend and everything. Again, remember, only like a week has passed in this show’s timeline. Hoyt moves quickly. Alcide shows up as well, showing how nothing brings the town of Bon Temps together like a funeral.

Eric is taking advantage of his newly sunlight-enabled Faerie blood-enfused lifestyle to attack VampCamp in the middle of the day. By the time Bill arrives, there’s just the usual - Blood, carnage, lots of body parts. Eric is inside the camp using the gnawned off hand of some prison guard to open all the secure doors before finding the scientist who killed Nora and literally ripping the man’s genitals from his body and throwing them to the floor because Eric is kind of a boss when it comes to vengeance torture. Must be because he’s Scandinavian. (And yes, we see the entire thing, including the removed components. Because why not go big at this stage in the season, really?) Eric goes about freeing vampires and starts to find ones who have drank the infected True Blood and are becoming ill.

Bill is hot on Eric’s trail and finds the now dickless scientist begging for death. Bill asks if the scientist ever did anything to hurt Jessica while she was in here. When he honestly says yes, Bill obliges his wish to die. By crushing his face with his boot. Again, we see everything.

I don't know, you guys. I just feel like I'm not even fazed by the carnage anymore. Does Pat Robertson have something that he could say about that on Fox News sometime?

At the funeral, Andy delivers an honestly moving eulogy about how shattered and hurt Terry was when he first returned from the war.  Sam recalls how it was that he came to hire Terry to work at the bar, being impressed by how sensitive he was to people around him, even with the damage done to him. Lafayette (wearing a sweet suit with fake eyelashes because he’s Lafayette) recalled working with Terry and feeling like he could see Terry wearing his soul on his sleeve and taught him how to deep dry things in the kitchen with style. Sookie gets up to speak, which would seem out of place, but is honestly kind of sweet because she could hear Arlene’s thoughts about how she wasn’t ready to speak herself. She tells everyone that she remembers how the first thing Terry thought when he saw Arlene at work was that he loved her already. (This, btw, is told in flashback, marking the first time this season we see Sookie at work. And it’s the second to last episode. And it’s from the past. So, yeah, there’s that. But it’s honestly a really beautiful moment.)

Bill makes his way through the VampCamp to see that the fang is in the other mouth now as the vampires are making the humans go through the same “experiments” that they were subjected to. Eric, meanwhile, discovers Jason having been the ongoing buffet for a room of female vampires. Jason’s looking more than a little drained (rimshot!), Eric feeds him his blood. “When you dream of me,” Eric tells him, “Dream of nice things.”

Well, this got homoerotic quickly.

Jason’s up and moving and leading Eric through the Camp, unaware that Sarah Newlin has been hiding from the carnage under some slaughtered bodies.  Eric discovers Pam’s shrink being cornered by a few vamps. Eric menaces him a bit but the shrink seems actually not very bothered and that he’s going to die a happy man after fucking Pam. Eric is visibly riled and drags the shrink off to help them find Pam. On the way, a woman screams in the distance. “I know that scream,” Eric muses and finds who else but Ginger held in one of the rooms.

Sarah Newlin meanwhile recites the Bible and climbs the steps to the top of a building in the Camp and opens the ceiling, revealing the white room below where Jessica, Pam, Tara, Willa and the other vampires have been huddled into in order to be exposed to the sunlight, just like in Bill’s vision. Bill, however, has gotten there in the nick of time and allows them all to feed off him, giving them the ability to survive in the sunlight.

And to think, all this time you thought I was being over the top about the VampireJesus stuff.

Hilariously, the only vampire that can’t reach Bill to feed is Steve Newlin. Eric finds them all in the room and holds Steve into the sunlight. As Sarah looks down from above (and yelling “Die, Fuckers!”), she’s shocked to see everyone doing just fine, except for Steve. Steve sees her as he begins to burn and makes his final confession. “I love you…” he says looking directly at Sarah. “…Jason Stackhouse!” he finishes. The best part of this is honestly Jason’s “WTF?” reaction, btw. Oh Jason. You never were that bright, were you?

The vamps are saved, but also high as kites from all the faerie-tainted blood in them. Eric finds Pam. “I saved you the therapist,” he tells her. “You take such good care of me,” she purrs before rushing to kill the therapist.  The other vampires trip out, dance with each other and honest to God play ring around the rosey with Steve’s bloody remains. Viola spends a particular amount of time cradling Bill, who starts to see visions of Lilith that whisper a shush to him.

Back at the funeral, it’s finally time for Arlene to say her last words. She breaks down, remembering the first night that their son was born and how much she wanted to fall apart but Terry kept her together. As the funeral is about to wind down, Big John Dixon, a character that we've literally never seen before and only just started to hear about in passing a few episodes ago who is also a cook at the restaurant and can totally sing OMG THAT'S SO CONVIENT, arrives to sing a song called “Life Matters” for Terry. It’s a little out of place and really only serves to provide the mood music for the scene that runs concurrently with it below, but what the hey. Big John has a beautiful voice. Even a distraught Arlene admits, “That was the shit.”

 At VampireWoodstock, Pam gets down to business. “Have we killed everyone who needs killing yet?” she asks. Jason realizes that the only human left (aside from him and the still tricked out and occasionally screaming Ginger) is Sarah Newlin herself. Sarah tries to run for it, but he gets to her before the vampires do.  Sarah tries to tell Jason that she’s doing God’s work. Jason wrestles her gun from her and tries to bring himself to shoot her, but isn’t able to do it, saying he doesn’t want anymore blood on his hands.

Say it with me, Clue fans: "Too late!"

Eric leads the vamps around the camp in the sun and they begin to smash the infected True Blood. Meanwhile, in Honolulu (wait, what?), crates are being unloaded only to be instantly taken by local, fun-loving Hawaiian vampires. Um. I guess Hawaii is a thing in this show now?

Back in the white room, Lilith tells Bill that his time on earth is over, but he insists that he’s not going anywhere. He calls Jessica to him. When she and James arrive, they can see him talking to someone, but can’t see Lilith. Jessica literally walks through Lilith to get to him. As Lilith moves closer, James tries to get Bill to drink from him, theorizing that maybe it will save him.

The funeral ends with the 21-gun salute, taps and the marines presenting Arlene with the folded flag from Terry’s casket. Sad Panda.

Jessica and James leave the vampire camp, followed by a restored Bill who walks among the rest of the vamps like a messiah. Pam looks for Eric, finally seeing him off in the distance and not joining the rest of the crowd. “Don’t you dare leave me,” she whispers as Eric flies away. 

F*ck the Pain Away

Folks, subtly is not True Blood's thing. We know this. This week's episode, "Fuck the Pain Away", pretty much does exactly what it says on the tin. If last week brought back some of the humor, this week brought back the over-the-top sex. Enjoy!

Remember when Sookie cooked up a master plan to reveal to the big bad Warlow that she knew who he was by making out with him in a half-clothed state on her couch? Yup, we’re still there. Ben/Warlow says she doesn’t understand, she is his intended, he waited a millennia, blah blah blah. Man, guys will say anything to get laid, won’t they? He says he’s loved her for 1,000 years. “Then why did you kill my parents?” she asks. Ben/Warlow drops the bomb: he says he actually saved Sookie and that her parents were going to kill her on that bridge. “Bullshit,” Sookie says, blasting him with her magic fairy ball of light. Who is this strange blonde girl who looks like Sookie but finally asks discriminating questions of her vampire suitors?

Jessica meanwhile is freaking out after her smorgas-fairy-bord. Thing is, fairy blood makes vampires high and Jess has just done the equivalent of a speedball which is why she’s suddenly trying to make out with Bill, her sire and surrogate father. Jess, you have so many issues. In fairy vino veritas, you know? Anyway, right then, Bill feels the impact of Sookie’s fairy attack on Ben.

Sookie explains to Ben that he doesn’t love her, he’s just another in a long line of jerk Creatures of the Night trying to own her and he can fuck off and it’s all got this total second-wave feminism vibe, but then Bill shows up looking for Ben and finds them both in their underwear.

Awkward half-naked revelations? Must be Tuesday.

Ben tries to threaten Bill away, saying he’ll kill him, but Bill is all “Um, remember how I’m kind of Lilith? I’m totally your maker. Now scoot, you’re coming with me.”

Andy Bellefleur, meanwhile, has raced to Bill’s house just in time to see the remains of his four fairy daughters slaughtered in the living room. Jess hides in the closet while Andy understandably panics. Thankfully, one of the four seems to have survived! (Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t bond with the other ones by giving them names.)

Tara tells Eric that the Gov’s men have taken Pam. Because of an inability to plan for anything better, Eric and Tara agree to get taken themselves in order to find her. Pam, meanwhile, has been brought to the camp. On the way to her cell she sees that the camp is making vampires run on big hamster wheels, have teeth pulled and have superfast, kinda hot in a CGI way sex with humans. “All in the name of science, huh?” Pam asks. Thing is, you know the thing Pam’s pissed about most is being forced to wear that stupid prison jumpsuit.

Sarah Newlin has apparently been comforting the Gov from his very recent decision to commit his daughter to the Camp in a particularly sexy way judging by their removed clothes. Hey, Sarah says, I got burned by vampires, you got burned by vampires, clearly that means that we should have a baby together. But I need a ring first, I’m a good Christian lady. Except for when I was cheating on my husband with Jason Stackhouse. The Gov is still sort of grieving his daughter (she’s been undead to him for, what, an hour?), so he’s less inclined to Learn to Love Again, despite Sarah’s apparently considerable assets. Financial ones, I mean.

And, yes, the other kind too.

Bill bringsBen to the lab in his basement to draw some of Ben’s blood for testing,. In the process, we flashback to 3500 BC where prehistoric Ben and his prehistoric pregnant wife gather in their prehistoric nomadic tribe on the steppe somewhere. Tellingly, people in prehistory were just as attractive and bathed as the swamp trash in this universe’s Louisiana. Yay, continuity! Pre-history was also filmed through an instagram filter, just in case you were wondering. Things could have been beautiful for the budding family, if Lilith hadn’t been drawn to Ben one night when he was alone at the water and instantly had sex with him. (like, instantly, guys. No preparation – she just jumped into his arms and he was apparently set to start thrusting.) Lilith told Ben he was destined to save Vampire kind and turned him.

Jason finds sad, dejected Sarah at his front door when he gets home, though she tells him she has a “new, powerful man” in her life now. “That’s good,” Jason says to her genuinely, “because Steve turned out to be a gay vampire.” Never leave us, True Blood staff writers. Either way, Sarah is here to save Jason’s soul, by which she means, in her words, “God wants me to fuck you.” Jason’s been trying to walk the straight and narrow with women lately, but come on – we all know where this is going.

Right about here.

Andy brings his barely alive daughter back to the Sheriff’s Office and fishes some vampire blood out of the evidence room to feed to her, just barely managing to bring her back. She confesses everything, including Bill taking her blood. Later, Andy is about to hunt down Bill when Holly points out what a stupid idea that is and that Bill isn’t going to be stopped by a wooden bullet. Holly also agrees to lie and tell everyone that the girls “went back to their mama” rather than admit the truth.

In a run down bar, Alcide approaches a werewolf prostitute (spin-off show!) for information about Sam, but Jenny the whore doesn’t know anything. The rest of the bar is just as reluctant to help out. When his father challenges Alcide as to why he’s going to such lengths to find Emma, Alcide erupts, throwing him to the ground and kicking him out.

Jessica, still a little bloody and crying, rouses Jason from his post-sex nap, hysterical. She tells Jason what she’s done and confesses that it actually turned her on to eat a fairy. Jessica wonders if this reaction is because it’s the Devil’s work and what if Bill isn’t God after all, but the other one? When Sarah emerges from the bedroom, Jess recognizes her as Steve’s ex-wife and the leading bigot of the anti-Vampire brigade. Sarah calls Jess a whore and Jessica attacks, alternating between looking to bite Sarah and maybe do something kinda sexy with her. Sarah seems weirdly calm, quotes the bible and rescinds Jessica’s invitation to Jason’s house, causing Jessica to be thrown from the house into a cadre of the Governor’s armed guard waiting outside. Um… how dafuq…?

Eric is brought into a circular room with four other Vampires, one that looks suspiciously like the one Bill saw in his vision. It quickly becomes apparent that the room is designed to “scientifically” test the vampires in such a way as any that fail a test gets shot with the Gov’s special bullets. Because he’s Eric, Eric wins.

Pam, meanwhile, is being psychoanalyzed in a shrink’s office. Pam says she’s not going to talk about her feelings, but she is willing to try out that room where they’ve got the vampires fucking people. Pam’s a giver, really. If Pam agrees to talk, they’ll let her feed from a willing human donor. Pam requests a woman. 

Om nom nom

The Shrink wants to know what value she places on any given human life? Pam tells him in his case, none; he’s food. “And not even good food. You smell like tuna fish.”

Sookie finds Lafayette at Merlotte’s. Lafayette wants to know what she’s doing her “because it sure isn’t work.” Good to see the show has a sense of humor about how Sookie never actually makes it to her shifts. Sookie tells Lafayette about Ben and asks him to help her communicate with her dead parents to learn the truth.

Terry is reminiscing with Justin, an old war buddy, trying to keep it casual, but Justin isn’t a fool and wants to know what’s going on. Terry drops the bomb and tells him that he wants Justin to kill him on account of his ongoing war guilt. Clearly he’s not talked about this with Arlene who’s suspicious. Justin, who was a sniper in the war, agrees to kill Terry at some point in the next few days and Terry will never know it’s coming. Thing is, I like Terry and his post-war PTSD Iraq stuff, but Jesus I’m tired of this storyline. I’m almost rooting for Justin in this one.

In the hotel, Nicole tries to sneak out of the room when Sam wakes up. Nicole is getting a dose of what being a shifter is like, what with all the running and hiding and death.  When Sam checks on Emma, she attempts to call her parents from a payphone. Sam stops her, pointing out that if the Wolves find her parents, they’ll kill them. Unknown to both of them, they just happen to be at the same motel as Alcide’s father, who watches them curiously.

Jessica is brought into the Camp and finds Tara. Jessica is still coming down from the fairy blood and rambling about the Devil. Tara tries to comfort her as much as she can.  When Jessica turns down the government-rationed True Blood, the other vampires swarm her and Tara. The vamps are called away by a woman. “I guess now you girls owe me,” the woman says.

Next time, on True Blood...

Just then, Tara spots the guards bringing in Willa and puts two and two together about what’s happened to her. The guard brings Willa to her cell but not without offering to make things easier for her if she “gets friendly” with him. Daddy Gov isn’t going to be much help here, Willa.

Now that she’s had her fill of pretty girl, Pam is a regular Chatty Cathy with the shrink, spilling all sorts of info about how Vampires group and relate to each other. She tenses up though when the shrink asks about her Maker. She admits that Eric released her, but insists that she feels nothing for him anymore, waxing philosophical about how Vampires can take pain because of the promise of eternity. The Shrink isn’t convinced, however.

Jason decides to take matters into his own hands following the fall out with Sarah and joins the VTF, the Gov’s guards. Sookie and Lafayette, meanwhile, prepare for a séance to talk with Sookie’s parents, despite Lafaeyette’s warnings that this may not be awesome. Lafayette begins very undramatically (“Listen up, Dead Folks!”), shoos away a couple of the other spirits that want to talk. And that’s when the creepy starts.

"It's gonna get awkward if we have to do that Whoopie Goldberg scene from Ghost."

The room goes dark, lights go out. Lafayette tells them to “calm the fuck down.” Sookie listens to Lafayette’s thoughts, through which she can see her parents remembering Ben/Warlow coming to them years ago asking for Sookie, but her parents refused to give her up. Instead they took her into the car to go to the bridge with the intention of killing her, rather than let her be turned into a monster.  In the present, Sookie’s father possesses Lafayette and warns Sookie not to believe Ben when he says that he loves Sookie. He then subdues Sookie, taking her to the river in an attempt to continue to “save” her.

In Bill’s basement, Ben remembers going back to his village a vampire and, being unable to control himself around a bunch of half fairies, slaughtering them all. Except for one little boy who, natch, is Sookie and Jason’s Grandpa. And Warlow’s son. Yup.

In the Camp, Sarah has brought the Governor a “surprise” – Steve Newlin who show’s the Gov the vampire torture room with Eric in it. The Gov tells Eric that his plan didn’t work – the Gov isn’t sympathetic, in fact he’s imprisoned Willa. Eric is given a stake as a door opens and Pam is ushered in and the two are ordered to fight to the death. 

Two vampires enter, one vampire leaves...

What If God Was (A Vampire Like) One Of Us?

Hi All - A little delayed, but here's the recap for last week's episode of True Blood, "The Sun."

TL;DR:  Surprise! The guy we thought was Warlow is actually the Stackhouse pater familias who tells Sookie she can kill every vampire at the price of her faerie-tude. The Governor has a few technological tricks up his sleeve including silver-UV bullets, glamour-resistant contacts and a sense of the dramatic. Sookie meets yet another handsome wounded man who is half-faerie. Eric has a plan involving the Governor's daughter. Bill has a Lilith-acid trip and learns that he is JesusVampire and can see the future and we're ALL GOING TO DIE!


FULL STORY: While Sookie sleeps and the magic fairy contract glows, a monster or possibly Odin from the Neil Gaiman universe rips open a tear in the fabric of space and time and forces himself into our world. NotOdin bears his vampiric teeth and vanishes into the night. I would kind of love this show forever if it turns out he’s just popping around to our world because whatever hell dimension he is from just doesn’t have twinkies or something and he’s really got a craving.

"In the event of inter-dimensional invasion, the secondary party as described by the blood oath in section 2, paragraph 1, shall be entitled to full compensation via faerie orgy party."

Warlow stops Jason from crashing the car into a tree with magic laser blasts out of his hands. Since the only reason the car was crashing to begin with is that Warlow, who was driving, vanished out of it, seems like there was an easier solution. The laser blasts are at least quickly explained – Rutger Hauer is actually not Warlow (joke’s on us) – he’s Jason’s Fairy Grandfather. Oh True Blood. I really do love you sometimes for the things you let me write. Anyway, the reason he convinces Jason he is who he says he is by telling him he knows about the “juicy porn” that Jason keeps stashed under the bed. He cooked up the hitchhiker opportunity to test Jason’s ability to defend himself against Warlow – and Jason has failed. In fairness, if Grandpa has been watching Jason for years, the news that Jason can’t trust people or keep his mouth shut when big things are afoot really shouldn’t have needed any more proving. Grandpa tells Jason that something big is coming and neither he nor Sookie is ready.

At Fangtasia, Tara is in pain after being shot by the National Guard and she isn’t healing. Eric and Nora figure out that the bullet is made of silver and emitting UV light. The Governor’s folk have been watching a lot of Underworld, apparently. Nora admits that the Vampire Authority was talking about humans developing new weapons. Eric says he isn’t scared, but Pam points out that “there’s more of them than us, maybe we should be scared.”

At Bill’s house, Jessica wakes up to Bill screaming downstairs. He is manic, insisting that he can feel all the vampires’ pain, everywhere, and has visions of vampires being harmed in different ways including one who is being chained and dragged behind a car. (Subtle, True Blood.) Bill goes into a kind of trance where he sees himself being led by three naked and bloodied women through a field to a woman who appears to be Lilith, who tells Bill that events have been set in motion. A Tide Is Rising. It Is The Beginning of the End. Etc, etc. Jeez, even vampires’ prophetic dreams are cryptic. Lilith tells Bill he’s not a God, although one day people may worship him as one. (Foreshadowing!) There is only one God, and He created Lilith as a Vampire and Adam and Eve as humans. Theological differences aside, Bill must complete Lilith’s “work”. Just when we might find out what that is, Jessica manages to snap Bill out of the trance, saying she’s ordered delivery for him.

 From the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog in Hell.

Sookie wakes to a phone call from Arlene who is upset that Sookie (again) has not shown up for work. Terry and Arlene notice that one of the pregnant women who has just entered the very busy Merlotte’s bar is the wife of Patrick, Terry’s old army buddy from last season. The wife demands to know what happened to Patrick, assuming he left her for another girl. Loveable Oaf Terry wants to tell her the truth – that he was implicit in the summoning of an Ifrit that almost consumed everyone from their unit in Iraq but Terry killed Patrick thus allowing the Ifrit to resolve its bloodcurse without further destruction, but Sensible Human Arlene steps in, telling her that yes, sweetheart, he left you. Men, right? Ice cream? It’s Death By Chocolate!

Sookie hauls herself to work for once and passes a potential love interest strange man in the bayou groaning. “Not today. I have a real job,” Sookie hilariously tells herself before giving in and checking on the man. The thing is, no one on this show ever just has a stomach ache, so I honestly can understand her logic that a groaning or wounded man on the side of the street is certain to be a supernatural entity that will probably look amazing with his shirt off and that’s just not the distraction she needs right now. The man says a vampire attached her, but she hears his thoughts that it was for his blood. Sookie asks him telepathically if he’s a faerie, to which he responds that he’s a halfblood, like her. She drags him back home (Again, Sookie gets out of going to work. How does she afford her house?) as he tells her that she reminds him of the first girl he ever fell in love with, but she's nicer.

There's only so much Meet Cute FLOTUS can take.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene seats a collection of cool kids who have arrived to be ironic in places you’ve never heard of. One wants to know if the food is organic. “This is Bon Temps,” Arlene tells them. “Around here, that means you play the piano in church.” Meanwhile, Sam checks in with Lafeyette who is watching little Whatshername by allowing her to play dress up tea party with him.

Whatshername literally could not have picked a better person in Bon Temps for this job. 

One of the hipsters asks for Sam by name, saying she knows he’s a shifter and she’d like to start a dialogue between humans and supernaturals and she knows he’s been targeted by hate groups. The girl, Nicole, is the founder of the Vampire Unity Society and she wants Sam to “come out” and tell his story to the world because politicians are forcing them to stay hidden. She’s basically like a one-woman ACT UP intern who’s probably just graduated from Berkley and wants to live in an environmentally friendly co-op and refer to people as “the Movement.” Nicole admits that her mixed-race grandparents were Freedom Riders and, once again, True Blood does not miss an opportunity to tell us how much it thinks subtlety is a thing for pansies.

At Bill’s, the delivery service has arrived. Delivery is a platinum blonde woman named Veronica who works for a service called “Human Edibles” (Honest tagling: “We’re Tasty!”). I honestly really like this idea – they’re basically prostitutes for vampires who need blood instead of sex. Now I’m honestly wondering if the folk who work for this service are viewed differently from other prostitutes in this reality. Leave it to me to think of the socio-political implications of an easily telegraphed joke. I’m here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway,  Veronica isn’t exactly tickled by letting Bill, who is unresponsive, feed off her and tries to leave when her body begins to contort suddenly and she’s pulled back in front of Bill. Veronica begins to hemorrhage from her mouth, the blood pouring out from her and floating directly into Bill’s until she’s nothing more than a husk.  

Sookie is nursing the latest mysteriously attractive man (this one’s named Ben) to pass out on her couch when she notices that touching him causes her faerie light powers to act up. She confesses that she has wanted to get rid of her light, wishing to be normal. He agrees and offers folksy wisdom about things not turning out how we want before getting up to leave. Sookie tells him about the faerie sanctuary near town where he may be able to be safe.

Speaking of which, Andy Bellfleur is bringing his rapidly aging quintuplets to the field where the sanctuary is yelling for Mirella, the mother, to take them back. Given that he’s yelling this in front of his kids and the girls are still giddily running literal circles around him without feeling at least a little hurt by their father’s intense desire to be rid of them, faeries must have a pathological inability to recognize reality.

Jason has brought Grandpa to Sookie’s house to show her where Warlow attempted to break into our world in Sookie’s bathroom at the end of last season. Grandpa finds the portal and leaps through it to see if Warlow succeeded, returning seconds later covered in slime. “Well, that was worse than I thought,” he deadpans.

Ben walks with Sookie to the Faerie Field, dropping like his twentieth hint that he’s had something really bad in his past, but Sookie’s not picking up on it. See above, re: faeries and their inability to recognize things. Sookie is more interested in dissuading Ben from any kind of romantic interest. “I shouldn’t be taking walks with handsome strangers,” she tells him. “That never ends well.” Ben overhears Sookie’s thoughts about Bill and asks about him. Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh Sookie? She demurs but tells Ben how to find the faerie sanctuary.

 "The fact that you're telling me up front about your supernatural abilities is frankly 80% of the attraction."

Nora is scouring the Vampire Bible for references to Lilith and Bill. Pam snarks her, as is Pam’s wont, but Nora realizes that a passage may have been mistranslated and wants to investigate. Nora tells Pam that Eric loves her and is proud of her and the reason he never told her about Nora is because it would have put Pam in danger if the Authority connected the three of them.

At the Governor’s mansion, aides are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out this vampire thing. Again, possibly they shouldn’t be doing this at night, but whatevs. The Governor’s daughter, recent Tulane grad, wants to go out drinking with the staff rather than stay at work, but Gov says no. She instead sees in the Gov’s next appointment, which happens to be Eric, who has put on nerd glasses and a bad haircut and is pretending to be human from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

"Golly, Miss Lane - I don't know how it is that I keep just missing Superman."

Eric chats up the Gov, applauding his vision on the vampire front after the Gov tells him about a vampire attack on a Chuck E Cheese. (Me: heh. Awesome.) Eric carries on a double-entrendre laden conversation about how the Whooping Crane is just trying to survive and that maybe the Gov shouldn’t make things worse for them because a Whooping Crane will rip your fucking throat out while you sleep. Oops, a step too far, Eric. Eric attempts to glamour the Gov into reversing his course of action, informing him that he now loves all vampires, but it MASSIVELY doesn’t work thanks to the Gov’s special contact lenses that protect him. The humans have more than just the silver-UV bullets up their sleeves, apparently. The Gov thanks Eric for gift-wrapping the political excuses he needs to look like a hero to the state and orders Eric taken to “the camp.” He’s marched outside before being all “hell with this” and flying away before the guards can do anything.

Sookie arrives home to find Jason who introduces her to Grandpa, saying he’s hunting down Warlow, just like Boba Fett. Grandpa assures Jason he’s not from “outer space” like Jason thinks but that Warlow has definitely made it into this reality. Apparently Sookie’s actions last season with the faeries created the energies that have let Warlow get through. Grandpa tells them that Warlow has been obsessed with the Stackhouse family for years because they are the original Fey and in fact, Grandpa is the King of their tribe. Jason brightens: “That means Sookie is a Faerie Princess and I’m a Faerie Prince!” he exclaims. “The gene skipped you,” Grandpa says. Wah-wah. Anyway, backstory time: Warlow massacred Grandpa’s entire village when he was a child, killing everyone but him. Grandpa tracked Warlow, but not before Warlow showed himself to one of Grandpa’s sons, John Stackhouse, who signed the fearie pact with Warlow to give him Sookie. The night Warlow came for Sookie and killed her parents on the bridge, Claudine (their Faerie Grandmother) managed to send Warlow into another existence before he could get to Sookie. Grandpa tells Sookie they have a unique ability among the fey – they can channel their light into essentially a supernova in a glowy ball that will kill any vampire nearby. Because Sookie is only half-fey, she can only do this once and after it’s done, she’ll no longer be a faerie.  

But if you clap your hands three times and say "I do believe in fairies!" nothing will happen and you just look like an idiot.

Sam arrives home to find Lafeyette has already put Whatshername (turns out it’s Emma) to bed and is now watching reality TV. Alcide, Luna’s grandmother (Martha) and some other wolves show up looking for her and Sam has to tell them that Luna is dead. Alcide says the feds will be investigating Luna’s stunt on TV, looking for all shifters and werewolves sooner or later and that Sam may not be able to hide for long. Martha insists that Emma come with them, grabbing her when Emma rushes outside looking for Sam. The predictable fight ensues, all the while being witnessed by the Vampire Unity group.

In her room, The Governor’s daughter removes her special contacts to go to sleep when Eric Draculas up to her window and glamours her into inviting him in. It took six seasons, but we finally got the “Vampire at the Window Next to the Willowy Virgin in the Nightgown” scene.

 "My father's secret defense, all undone by my discomfort with dry eyes!"

At Bill’s, Jessica has cleaned up what’s left of Veronica while Bill is still catatonic in his chair. Trying to reach him, Jessica reminds him that if he can feel the pain of all vampires, he should be able to feel how scared she is right now. Jessica confesses she doesn’t know which Bible is real, having been force fed the traditional version by her father as a repressed human girl and now the vampire one by the Authority, but she’s starting to wonder if Bill is God, kneeling to pray before him and confessing her sins and asking Him to bless her friends, including Hoyt, wherever he is. (Cue audience sob at the Hoyt reference, remembering that breakup scene.) Finally, she asks God to bring Bill back to her. Internally, Lilith tells Bill that he must save them all, forcing Bill awake. As he comes to, the television turns on to news of the vampire lynching that Bill saw earlier, along with the news that the Governor has announced that vampires have no rights, so violence against them is not illegal. Jessica realizes that Bill can see the future just as Bill has a vision of a room full of vampires, including Jessica, Tara, Pam and Eric, being executed in a room that is opened to the sun.